Stella models last year's costume.

As you probably know by now, every year at KSK we take a week to raise some money for a good cause, and I end up sweaty and nearly naked as a result. This year’s fundraising effort raised over $34,000 for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, which helps out the families of wounded special ops servicemen and gives full scholarships to their children should they be killed in combat. It is a wonderful, wonderful charity, and your generous donations made me the #1 fundraiser out of 15,000 people who registered for Fight Gone Bad. The readers of KSK may like dick jokes and name-calling, but you’ve once again shown that you’re an exceptionally strong and caring community. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving a shit.

Of course, you didn’t donate SOLELY out of kindness. There were stakes involved. Stakes that I regret, and that you will too once you scroll down and witness me struggling through Fight Gone Bad in nut-hugging faux-denim boxer briefs. The video is below, followed by pictures. Be advised: the pictures, though technically safe for work, are probably not what your boss should catch you looking at, for any number of reasons.

This year’s video was shot and cut by commenter The White Boom Boom. Man, he really got right up in there, didn’t he? (I’ll swap this out with HD video later tonight. I’m sure you can’t wait.)

Unveiling:

And now for pictures of the workout itself. I’d appreciate you not clicking on these thumbnails.

There’s a minute of rest between each of Fight Gone Bad’s three rounds. This is me after round two:

And using the puke bucket after round three:

P.S. New avatar, guys!

Before we get to the stuff you’d rather see, I wanted to share one final fundraising plea about the Special Operations Warrior Fund, the charity that benefits from me getting my ass kicked in Fight Gone Bad tomorrow. I made the stupid video above to talk briefly about it, and I also wanted to share the story of Keith Zeier.

This was from an email sent to me by Greta Zagarino, who helps run Sportsgrants (the non-profit that organizes Fight Gone Bad):

Keith Zeier became a Special Ops Marine when he was 17 after losing his best friend’s dad in 9/11 (fire fighter who was like his dad). He went to Iraq, and was injured from a road side bomb. He damaged his left leg and had some brain damage. He fought back and trained in CrossFit (in Brooklyn) and ran a 100 MILE RACE in Florida to “prove them wrong”. He collapsed in mile 75, but refused medical treatment and was able to finish in 31 hours. About a year later, his leg became infected and they had to amputate it. He is currently in San Antonio getting fit for his new prosthetic and is determined to do FGB6. This guy does not know what “quit” means.

He experienced first-hand the services of our beneficiary this year, The Special Operations Warrior Foundation. They don’t wait to be contacted, they are notified when any Special Ops is either injured or killed. If injured, they stop everything in the office and overnight a $2K check to the immediate family so they can fly to the injured’s bedside. Keith’s family was able to fly to see him right away, thanks to SOWF, and it really helped Keith’s spirits. If killed, SOWF GUARANTEES every child of that soldier a fully-paid four year college scholarship (even if the wife is pregnant). They currently have 866 children to fulfill, and 125 are currently in school. If we can give them $1 million dollars, that equals approximately 66 kids’ one year of tuition. This is the way we thank these guys.

So… yeah. This is an incredible foundation for incredible people who do incredible things. You can DONATE HERE. If I get to $30,000 by tomorrow morning, I’ll do the workout in these embarrassingly tight-fitting boxer briefs. Otherwise I’ll be doing them in regular ol’ cut-off jean shorts like a Funke-ian never nude.

Sayyyyyyy… SPEAKING OF CUT-OFF JEAN SHORTS, here are some women who wear them better than I do. Happy Friday, everybody. We’ll see you back here for Sunday’s games.

If none of those are salacious enough for you, I recommend the single-serving Tumblr Denim in Distress, which happens to be NSFW.

A couple weeks ago, I ordered these horrific jean short boxer briefs from Japan, because I pledged to wear them during Fight Gone Bad this Saturday if I raised $30,000 for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, and it looked like KSK readers were going to hit that mark.

Now, I’m a medium. Always have been, since I hit puberty at age 22. The problem is, Japanese people are smaller than Americans, and so a medium in Japan is a small in America. Like, very small.  When I said that I couldn’t wear anything gayer than rainbow snakeskin short-shorts, that was before I tried on super-tight spandex boxer briefs meant to look like denim hot pants.

Fortunately for me, I haven’t raised $30,000 yet. As I write this, I’m holding steady at $25,260. Surely there’s no way that KSK readers could mobilize to raise an additional $4740 by Saturday morning. There’s simply no way people could donate enough in time to humiliate me more. Nope, I’m going to be able to keep a few shreds of dignity after all. Nothing could possibl-eye go wrong.

Phew!

Anyway, you’re here for sex and fantasy football. Let’s get to your questions:

Oh Wise Man of Pigskin and Pussylickin,

Football: After a thoroughly shitty performance by Rapey Ben, and an injury to Bradford on my bench, I scrambled to pick up Cam Newton off waivers (we have a FAAB so I bid $8 out of 100 for the season). How dumb of a move was this? There isn’t much else on the wire except Henne, who also had a good week but how faith can one really put in Chad Fucking Henne?

None. You can have no faith in Henne. Even if, say, you autodrafted him in a 16-team league and there are no starting quarterbacks on the waiver wire, and so you started Sam Bradford, and then you lost your Week 1 fantasy matchup because Henne had 40 points to Bradford’s 4. Not that that happened to me. Just strictly a hypothetical fucking situation with that fucking Down syndrome-looking Rams dipshit under center.

Also, my team spectacularly underperformed, from V-Jax/Braylon and Sydney Rice injured at WR, to LeGarrette at RB with Jacobs and Pierre Thomas as possible backups. Is it too soon to freak out? I’m also a Giants fan so I’m already bracing for a season full of disappointment.

A lot of people are singling out Chris Johnson for a lackluster Week 1 performance (9 carries, 25 yards), but Blount’s whopping 15 yards from scrimmage also earns him a well-deserved dick-punching. Nevertheless, I think it’s still too early to freak out. Unless someone is injured or clearly not getting looks (Chad Johnson), the NFL season doesn’t start to take shape until about Week 4. Stick with the guys you intended to be your starters, for now.

Not sex per se, but depending on how I handle such situations it definitely affects how much I have: Naturally, my girlfriend and I argue. However, I feel like there’s a double standard when we do similar things. If she brings up an old thing, she’s making a point. If I do it, I’m being petty and can’t let things go, etc. Any ideas on how I can point this out without coming off as an asshole?

Also, there are phases when seemingly small arguments escalate very fast. I’m not a human stenographer, and I hardly ever remember what goes down in an argument after it’s done, so its seemingly always my fault in some way because she remembers more than I do (although I suspect that her knowledge of my forgetfulness has been used against me several times). How do I get across that not everything is my fault without having the “it’s not about (who’s right or wrong/keeping count)” argument for the hundredth time?

Thanks, Fluke Newton

Ugh, I’m getting some ugly flashbacks reading your email. Women can win any argument with any number of tactics that we simple-minded men lack the appropriate skill set for: wheedling, whining, crying, manipulation of facts, and their ace in the hole: ignoring reason. I once had a girlfriend who told me that she was jealous because she cared, and that my lack of jealous behavior was a sign that I didn’t care.

I later told her that if I stayed with her, I’d be dead of a heart attack by 50. In retrospect, that was a conservative estimate.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the twin foundations of any successful relationship are communication and compromise. If you’re fighting with your girlfriend more often than you’re saying, “Wow, this woman gets me,” then end it right now. Don’t even finish reading the mailbag. Call her up and break it off, then go outside and remember what fresh air feels like. A relationship is collaborative; if your partner is keeping score, she’s lost sight of — or maybe she never realized — that you should be on the same team.

P.S. to make up for the unsexyness of my inquiries, please accept my token of a hot picture of Marisa Miller.

That is an acceptable token of apology.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain

Fantasy: 12 team yahoo league. Are either Hardesty or Ridley worth keeping around? My top three backs are set with McFadden, AD and Wells but I took a gamble on the two backups above think there was a shot at least one would break out. I’m stacked at WR and TE, lacking backups elsewhere. Is it worth dumping either now?

Wait, what? You’re stacked with three solid starting RBs, and you’re stacked at WR and TE, and your complaint is that you don’t have backups? Fuck you. Go hang out on the waiver wire.

Sex (sort of, not really): Through mutual friends I’d gotten to know a younger girl, and she seemed legitimately into me. I asked her if she wanted to get together. She didn’t hesitate, said yes, seemed excited to give me her number. When I called to ask her out on a few days later she seemed wishy washy on the idea. I took it as a blowoff, that she wasn’t interested and I didn’t make another attempt. I brought it up with her roommate a couple weeks later, wondering if she’d said anything. I was confused because the girl and I still saw each other fairly regularly and she still seemed interested. It turns out she was turned off on the idea of going on a date. So is her roommate. So are a lot of women in their early 20s, apparently. Hanging out, and whatever the hell that implies, is the thing to do.

Nothing has ever made less sense to me in my entire life.

I’m 30 years old, she’s 24, and this sort of blows my mind a little. I’ve texted women (at least the ones I’ve met drunkenly at bars and parties) for dateless hookups in the past. That I get. But this was a girl I’d gotten to know outside of the bar and I legitimately like her. Drunkenly asking her for a sleepover seemed like a bad idea, and asking her to hang out (and do what exactly?) just seems so juvenile and un-manlike. But is this the cost of doing business with a younger generation? I’m not complaining, mind you. I loathe dating. Asking you and the commenters for a better way to navigate this situation in the future.

Feeling really fucking old at the moment,

DB

I have no idea. I just turned 33, and my girlfriend is [REDACTED], close enough in age to be on the same page from jump. By the time I reached my late 20s, I realized I couldn’t find much common ground with a woman younger than about 26, not unless she was on at least her second job since college and had life stories to tell that didn’t happen on campus. So I’m not exactly tuned in to the young folk outside of the emails I get for the mailbag and the brief glimpses of the CW and MTV I get while writing about TV. So I don’t know.

But if I had to guess… maybe younger people think of a “date” as something more antiquated than it really is? Whether you want to blame the societal move toward sexual equality or the pussification of our nation’s young people, there are fewer strong male role models in America, and as the chivalrous “strong, silent type” archetype has crumbled, so too has the notion of a “date” where the man shows up to the door holding flowers and drives the woman to dinner and a movie. Kids grow up hanging out in groups and making out at parties, not going out on a traditional dates. So even though taking a woman out to dinner is the most normal thing to do with a girl you’ve met and hit it off with, it’s possible — even likely — that it’s a foreign concept to her.

Anyway, that’s my theory, and if it’s true, young people are even stupider than I thought. It’s free food with someone you like! Fucking say yes!

Moving forward, perhaps it would be better not to say the words “date” or “Can I take you out?” I like the question, “Would you like to meet up for a drink?” It’s not as formal as a full-on date, it doesn’t sound immature like “hanging out,” and it offers both of you several options: you meet on neutral territory; she has the option of leaving after a harmless drink; you have the option to be chivalrous and pay for her drink; and — best of all — a drink can become several drinks, which could lead to anything from dinner (!) to sexy bad decisions.

**********

Matt/C.C.,

Married with two kids, and the sex is still good (pats self on back). I’m thinking about scheduling a vasectomy on a Friday during football season so I can ice my junk for the whole weekend while watching football. Sounds like a great excuse to do nothing but watch football all weekend, right? I’m thinking there can’t be a downside to this plan unless I freak out while tracking my fantasy teams and and the Bills. Is there anyway this can go wrong?

Something can always go wrong. God could give you the Job treatment: you know, kill off your wife and kids in a horrible car wreck. Then you’d meet a wonderful new woman and want to have kids, but whoops! You got a vasectomy. But that seems pretty unlikely, and besides, your wife probably wouldn’t like you planning on her and the kids dying.

Anyway, your plan sounds like a good one, although I think a better time for post-vasectomy scrotum-icing might be the beginning of the NCAA tournament. More games to watch and more time off of work.

Onto FFB, I’m trying to decide between Blount, TB (v. Minn) or P. Thomas, NO (v. CHI) this week at running back and Gonzalez, ATL (v. PHI) or Chandler , BUF (v. OAK) at TE. Leaning towards Blount and Chandler. Also, thought about starting Fitzpatrick, BUF (v. OAK) over Schaub, HOU (v. MIA) but after seeing Brady put up 500 passing yards against the Dolphins I have to believe Schaub is good for 300 yards this weekend. -John F

I concur with you on all points. But Blount can still get fucked for that Week 1 no-show.

***********

Caveman-

Fantasy: I feel pretty confident in the team that I drafted (12 team, 6 pts per TD for everyone, 1 QB, 1 RB, 2 WR, 2 Flex RB/WR, TE). Though the way it worked out, after an early run of QB’s I waited and ended up taking Flacco in the 11th rd as my starting QB. Needless to say I’m not too thrilled about this. Given this format, we can only play a max of three RB’s at a time, and as I drafted 1st and ended up with AP, Jennings, D-Mac, Shonn Greene, and Jahvid Best as my first 5 picks. So question is: should I: 1. try and deal one of the RB’s for a better starting QB stat, 2. wait until hopefully one of these more risky RB’s gets hot then deal for a QB, or 3. stick with Flacco and keep all the RB’s as an insurance policy since one of them is bound to get hurt?

I like Flacco. He’s actually put up better numbers his first few years than his much more-heralded draft class mate Matt Ryan. I’d stand pat for now — hold out and let the season take shape before making a move. If you’re going to trade a running back, at least wait until Best or Greene gives you a particularly strong week to improve your standing.

Sex: Several months ago I entered into an ill-advised relationship with a 20 year old girl who already has a kid (I’m 27). I quickly realized she was more into me than I was into her, so I broke it off after a month or so. Two weeks later, her friend informs me that she is pregnant. This comes as a complete shock, as it would in any case but also because I wrapped up every time with no mishap that I was aware of. When I contact the girl, she tells me that she is going to take the abortion pill. I’m pretty distraught about the situation, but this girl is steadily proving crazier and crazier, so I figure it is probably for the best.

During this time, my friends that I have told seem very confident that she is full of shit, but she has shown me a positive pregnancy test and texted me sonogram pictures with the right date. I know this can be faked, but it does not seem like something she is capable of. Well, two weeks later, when I’m in the process of trying to part ways again, she tells me she didn’t take the second of two pills and is still pregnant. She claims to know what she has to do and will get the actual procedure. I drop her off at the hospital and try to insist on joining her, but she does not let me. All indications point to the abortion being done. She also starts drinking and smoking regularly again. I wait a few weeks to make sure everything seems ok, and then break it off again (not a pretty process, as you can imagine). Well about 3 weeks later she starts sending cryptic texts about a secret she has and, you guessed it, she eventually says she never got the abortion and is still pregnant (and includes more sonogram pictures). I just went to the doctor with her, and while I didn’t speak to the doc directly, she now looks pregnant so it seems as though she’s going to have this baby. What the fuck do I do here? Aside from proving paternity (though I’m 99% confident she didn’t mess around), is there just nothing I can do until this baby is born? This girl has proved herself to be an incredible liar (not to mention crazy), and I do not want to have anything to do with her if that is possible. I’m just kind of at a loss here. Sincerely, -M.V.

I believe the refrain I’ve seen in the comments section is “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.” Unfortunately, it’s too late for that, and because I’m not Maury Povich, I lack the expertise to give you sound advice. Let’s go to the Magic 8-Ball!

O wise Magic 8-Ball, what should M.V. do about his problem?

/shakes ball

**********

Dearest Poontificates,

SEXINESS: Got nothing for you since I’m wifeyed up and doing well on the sex front. Wait jk yes I do it’s Faye Reagan/Valentine and don’t search her on any search engine on your work machine unless your boss is cool with you checking out fisting pics.

I have to say, seven photos is kind of overkill, even for a cheesecake-friendly forum like the sexbag. On the other hand, I enjoy the novelty of a safe-for-work Faye Reagan gallery. I don’t think that’s ever happened before.

FANTASY FOOTBALL: Say Tiny Darren takes a punt back for a touchdown, as he did last Thursday. Where do the points go? To the Saints D? To Sproles? I’ve heard 6 for both and six for one or the other. What’s the common solution to this? Cheers, -FSJ

It depends on what your settings are for defense. Sproles definitely deserves six points for the TD because, you know, he’s the one that scored it. If your settings are for the Saints D and special teams, then I suppose it’s fair that it gets 6 as well. I mean, we award points to both the QB and WR for the same touchdown pass, why not the returner and the return team?

**********

Dear Man of the Cave, I am in my first FF league this year. It’s pretty casual, mostly coworkers plus their wives and friends, sixteen teams in all. With so many teams and an autodraft format, the talent was spread pretty thin. I felt pretty lucky to get Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning. Then I found out Manning’s surgery will likely put him on the bench for the whole season. whoopie. I guess I’ll have to make do with my backup McNabb.

LOL

At WR I have Marques Colston, Davone Bess, and Michael Crabtree. My other RBs are Ryan Grant and LaDanian Tomlinson. For TE I have the supremely happy choice of Brandon Pettigrew or Jeremy Shockey. All of that is to set up my football question. I’ve been considering offering up either Grant or LT for trade but I don’t know what to request for them. Do I shore up my receiving corps or try to get a tight end that I’ve actually heard of before? Or do I still need another QB? Or do I wait until after the MIN bye in week nine so Peterson has a backup? Actually that last one sounds kinda dumb now that I’ve typed it out.

Make no mistake: your fantasy team is really shitty. You’re fine at tight end (you should’ve heard of Pettigrew by now), but LaDainian’s on fumes and McNabb’s gonna kill you. Without giving up your one stud player (Peterson), your best hope is to package LDT and Shockey for a less-shitty QB. Those turds might be able to get you somebody’s backup. Ugh, what a dogshit way to start playing FF. Next year, try playing in a 12-team league with a live draft. It won’t blow so hard.

My sex life is pretty awesome right now, even with a 7-month-old in the house. So instead of a sex question, I offer you one of my all-time hall-of-wanking-fame favorite babes, Erica Campbell:

I tried to get a photo that not everyone has seen already from a cursory Google search. Enjoy!

Your Newest Mailbagger,

The Trashcan Man

Okay, that’s all well and good. I enjoy looking at that picture, and I enjoyed the Google search I just did. But this is getting to be an awful lot of people with more sexy pictures than sex questions. In the coming weeks, I’m going to give priority to people who ask both a sex question and a fantasy football question. You don’t necessarily have to have a sex problem, but it should at least be something that stirs discussion beyond “THAT WOMAN IS ATTRACTIVE I WOULD SEX HER IF I GOT THE CHANCE.”

That said, that Erica Campbell is very attractive, and I would sex her if I got the chance. (And if I were single. Love you, honey!)

Hey everybody, thanks for putting up with these KSK Kares updates all week. I know that it’s a lot more fun to just read the football stuff and dick jokes, so I appreciate the warm and generous response that I’ve gotten in my drive to do an awful workout in Daisy Dukes in order to raise scholarship money to put the children of deceased special ops soldiers through college.

Here are today’s notes on the subject, then I’ll get out of the way and work on putting together a Sexy Friday post for you.

• We had a tie for yesterday’s top donors: Chris D. and Phil K. donated $500 each. Since I can’t cut DVDs in half, I’ll send you each a signed copy of Drew’s new book. Email me, and when Drew comes to New York I’ll ply him with liquor and make him write funny things to you on the title page.
• Today’s top donor will get my last remaining awesome TV DVDs that are not available to the public yet. Donate here for a chance to win.
• Fight Gone Bad will be held on the morning of September 17th, but don’t worry, KSK Kares is only a week long, so even though you can donate until all next week, I won’t pester you about it any more . Well, maybe one more post. You can follow me on Twitter for updates.
• We’re still a more than $2o00 away from Daisy Dukes, so be sure to bother people with jobs to get them to donate. Send them this post that explains everything. If you have ties to super-rich people or a corporate hegemony that makes donations to charities to offset the damage it does to humanity, I would appreciate you pulling that string for me.

Okay, that’s it. Thanks for your patience. To everyone who donated — even the person who donated 61 cents to be ironic — thank you. I really do appreciate every penny that goes to this amazing cause.

(TL;DR — CliffsNotes: DONATE HERE)

As you can see, we still have a ways to go before I actually have to wear cutoff jean shorts. Hey, it’s no skin off my back. I’m happy to wear normal workout clothes, and those orphans of deceased special operations soldiers can go to state school for all I care. But if YOU want to see me do Fight Gone Bad as a never nude, or if you just want the sweet, sweet endorphins you get by giving money to the Special Operations Warrior Fund, DONATE HERE.

Yesterday’s winner was Sanjay M., who gave a whopping $800. He’ll get Season 2 of [REDACTED] on DVD before it’s available for sale, plus a signed poster of “Wilfred.” Today’s top donor will receive an official Aaron Rodgers Super Bowl XLVI jersey. I’m afraid the size is XL, so it will only fit the skinniest Packers fans.

My sincere and endless thanks to everyone who has already donated. I look forward to being humiliated for your entertainment.

A hearty and heartfelt thanks to everyone who donated to to my Fight Gone Bad effort yesterday (if you’re joining us late, read about it here). As of this writing, we’re just a hair over $10,000 raised, which means I now need to find a cameraman and video editor for September 17th. That means we’re also now less than $10,000 away from me doing an ass-kicking workout in cut-off jean shorts. Yay.

Yesterday’s prize — a Slingbox — goes to Richard P., who donated an astounding $1000 to the cause. Holy crap. Thanks, Richard. Email me with your address, and I’ll send it your way.

Today’s prize: TV SWAG. Today’s top donor by midnight Eastern time will get a “Wilfred” poster signed by stars Elijah Wood (Frodo himself!) and Jason Gann, as well as a whole season of an acclaimed TV comedy that is not yet out on DVD. I can’t say which TV series it is because I’m not supposed to be giving it away, but I assure you that it’s most excellent. Thanks again to everyone who has already donated; every dollar counts.

DONATE HERE.

One week a year, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber take a week to raise money for a good cause. Over the last four years, we’ve raised tens of thousands of dollars for wonderful causes like Fisher House Foundation and Wounded Warrior Project thanks to your generosity. This year, much like the last two years, our method will be to send grumpy ol’ Ufford into the woodchipper known as Fight Gone Bad, a punishing 17-minute CrossFit workout that benefits different charities every year. As you can see from the video above, the more money we raise, the dumber I’m willing to look for your entertainment.

This year’s primary charity is the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. SOWF provides two main services. First, any time an American special ops soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine is severely wounded while deployed, the fund immediately cuts a $2000 check to the service member’s family so that they can afford travel and lodging to be at their loved one’s bedside as they recover from their injuries (a lot of combat wounds are treated in Germany, Walter Reed, etc.). Second — and more impressively — if a special ops warrior gets killed in the line of duty, SOWF pays for the surviving children to go to college. Full ride — tuition, room and board, books, everything.

Think about that for a minute. On August 6th this year, a helicopter crash killed 31 personnel in the special forces community, 17 of them Navy SEALS. They died in Afghanistan a couple months after killing the world’s most renowned and infamous terrorist, and you can help put their orphaned children through college. That is an awesome privilege. If you’re so motivated by that information that you don’t want to hear the rest of the details of the KSK Kares drive, you can go here to donate now.

ANYWAY, a lot of people have asked me what I could do to top last year’s gloriously sexy workout in rainbow snakeskin short-shorts with matching headband. It was a tough question, because I refuse to wear less clothing than that, and it’s impossible to find a pattern as gaudily flamboyant as rainbow snakeskin. But I think I found a way to go bigger than last year:

FIGHT GONE BAD 6: THE NEVER NUDE CHALLENGE

On Saturday, September 17th, I will subject myself to the misery of Fight Gone Bad for charity — and with enough donations to the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, I’ll do it dressed as David Cross’s never nude Tobias Fünke from “Arrested Development.” Here’s the breakdown:

Ten thousand bucks gets you a video of the event. $20K and I’ll do the workout in nothing but jean cut-offs. $30K and I’ll spend $87 of my own money to buy these awful  jean short boxer briefs from Japan. $40K and I’ll don glasses and a fake mustache for the workout (due to testosterone issues, I can’t grow my own). And the $50,000 goal: I’ll shave only the top of my head so that I have the male pattern baldness of Tobias Fünke. (NOTE: Said head-shaving will happen a week before I appear at the Blogs with Balls convention. High stakes. Donate accordingly.)

Every day for the next week, I’ll give away prizes to each day’s biggest donors. These prizes include:

• A brand-new, never used Slingbox.
• DVDs of acclaimed TV shows that are perhaps not available on DVD yet (specifics withheld because certain TV bloggers would NEVER give away screening DVDs).
• NFL officially licensed Super Bowl XLI Aaron Rodgers Packers jersey.
• Signed copy of The Postmortal by Drew Magary.
• The most generous NYC-area donor will be invited to my home for a bacon-and-bourbon party.
• Other TBD swag.

So let’s do this, people. Go here to donate, and the biggest donor by midnight tonight will get a new Slingbox. If you’ve ever laughed at a Rex Ryan post or enjoyed Drew’s takedown of Peter King or gotten sage advice from the fantasy/sex mailbag, please take two minutes to chip in five bucks or twenty or whatever you can spare (I’ve gotten things started with a $300 donation myself). Every dollar goes to a good cause: my public humiliation. Oh, and also the children of deceased special ops servicemen going to college. Whatever motivates you.

In case you missed it, we here at KSK spend one week a year to raise money for a charity in a futile attempt to redeem our black souls. This year, I offered to trade what little dignity I had for donations to Fight Gone Bad, a brief and brutal workout that benefits the Wounded Warrior Project, Livestrong, and the CrossFit Foundation.

The readers of Kissing Suzy Kolber rose to the challenge, donating $23,787 to Fight Gone Bad and making me the top individual fundraiser of the thousands who combined to raise over $1.5 million. So, if you donated: thank you. Here is the video from the event, as promised. Highlights include me falling off a box (3:33), me almost throwing up (3:54), my general awkwardness/discomfort when speaking to a camera, and — of course — those rainbow snakeskin short-shorts. Enjoy.

Special thanks to: Ari Bassin-Hill for shooting and editing the video, the wonderful community of CrossFit South Brooklyn, and everyone who donated to this terrific cause.

Many of you made very generous donations to Fight Gone Bad during our annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive earlier this month (and if you would like to donate, you still can by clicking here until October 5th). Due to your bloodthirsty support, I went through the workout with a freshly shaved head, rainbow metallic snakeskin short-shorts, a matching headband, and a camera crew to record it all.

The video editor I’ve hired won’t have all the footage cut and mixed into a nice little video for about a month, but until then, you are welcome to ridicule the photos below the jump. Fellas, be warned: you probably don’t want to see this. Ladies… well, you probably don’t, either. Whatever.

Do you worst.

Note the adjustments I’m making in back. Suzi Fox makes some great short-shorts, but if you do squats in them, they WILL ride up your ass. Here’s another example:

Due to reader concerns about my junk, I wore a jock strap with the shorts. As you can see.

Out of the way, Guy in the White Shirt! We’re trying to photograph side-ass here!

Oh, and here’s me shaving my head.

Hey, anyone need to wash their clothes? Too bad, because that washboard is long gone. I lost that definition by consuming an ocean of beer after the workout.

I should note that these aren’t even the BAD pictures. If you can bump my fundraising total up to $25,000, I’ll post photos of the face I make during rowing. It’s kind of like an angry sex face, but with a rainbow headband. SEXY!

Pardon the interruption of football discussion, but I thought some of you might be interested in an update on the KSK Kares Kharity Drive benefiting Livestrong and The Wounded Warrior Project, seeing as how my rainbow metallic snakeskin short-shorts from Liquid Vinyl Clothing have finally arrived. I can’t explain my rationale for thinking this, but somehow I expected “rainbow metallic snakeskin” to be more tasteful. Nope.

Oh, and by the way: the shorts in the banner picture are NOT the shorts I’ll be wearing this Saturday. Oh no, the pair above came free with my order, for cruel reasons that remain a mystery to me. The shorts above offer ACRES of leg coverage compared to the shorts I’ll be sporting at Fight Gone Bad this weekend. Witness:

When these arrived yesterday, I laughed, because it was too painful to cry. I tried them on, and realized instantly that this was whole thing was a TERRIBLE idea. The slit on the side of the leg simply DOES NOT STOP.

On Saturday morning, I will shave my head, put on these shorts (and a matching headband), and put myself through a workout that may very well make me throw up. And then I will put pictures and video of the event on the Internet for all to see. These are things that people will see when they Google “Matt Ufford.” This Saturday will be an indelible mark of embarrassment, assuming I don’t get arrested for masturbating at the zoo before then (in which case it will be a step up).

The only thing that can make this debacle worthwhile for me is if you take the time to donate to my fundraising page to help out injured veterans and cancer patients. Right now I’m close to $22,000. Please, I’d feel so much better if I could say that my pride was worth $25,000.