For those of you who are late getting to the charitable party, the astoundingly generous KSK community raised $8,346 dollars for my participation in Fight Gone Bad IV, which just so happened to be the second-highest total of the 5000 CrossFit athletes who participated, an effort that helped FGB raise over $1 million for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. You are all to be commended and rewarded, and the only way that I can reward you is by offering up my sweaty, imperfect being for your satanically cruel scrutiny.
After the jump is my Fight Gone Bad experience in words and pictures, as promised. Be warned: male shirtlessness and vomit ensue.
“Hey, what’s goin’ on? … Me? Oh, not much. Just doing weighted squats with a kettlebell on the beach at sunset. Got some Uggs on ‘cuz it’s kinda cold.”
Well folks, although there’s still another week until Fight Gone Bad, but this post marks the end of our annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive. As I write this, we’ve raised $4,795 towards my goal of $5000, and so far your efforts have put me in 4th place in money raised to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. That’s out of thousands and thousands of athletes competing.
If you’d like to help make a final push and help me attain (and exceed) my goal, please donate here. It’d be pretty cool to finish #1 overall and help out some veterans and cancer patients in the process. Otherwise, feel free to enjoy these lovely ladies of CrossFit.
UPDATE on the puking situation: For those of you who are donating only to see pictures of me vomiting, good news: I booted after a 2000-meter row last night. It doesn’t mean I’ll necessarily do it at FGB, but it’s certainly a good sign for you.
Apologies for yet another departure from the subject of football, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who donated to my Fight Gone Bad effort to support wounded veterans and prostate cancer research. In the last 24 hours, KSK readers donated over $2000 to FGB IV, bringing my tally to over $4000 and guaranteeing you, the reader, four humiliating pictures of me looking ill while throwing a medicine ball or struggling to get 75 pounds overhead for the fortieth time.
Anyway, our most generous donations yesterday came from readers Ace Bandito of James W. Brown Animations and Mark Curtis. Mark deferred on the prize, so Ace is the proud owner of a pair of Oakley Gascans. And if you don’t think they’re cool, check out how awesome that dog looks. Congratulations to Ace, and thank you again to everyone who donated.
One final thing. The person who made the third-highest donation wrote something that impressed me even more than his generous gift, and I wanted to share it with you because he’s KSK’s de facto Nice Human being of the Week:
If my donation is in fact big enough to win the Oakleys, I ask that you keep my name anonymous on the site. Being lauded for my “charitable magnanimity and general physical attractiveness” sounds pretty damn good but this donation isn’t about me so I would appreciate you keeping me anonymous (and I’m not trying to sound presumptuous because here’s to hoping that someone else donates more than I do). All that I ask is that you give a shout out to The Vikes and ND Football in some way if possible. Not too much to ask, though I’m sure you’ll get some shit for anything regarding ND. Thanks, and good luck at FGB.
No, it certainly isn’t too much to ask. See below.
You know, I very occasionally go to business meetings or blog-centric parties where people are always lauding blogs for their voices and praising the few of us professional bloggers while using words like “tastemakers” and “trailblazers,” and it always feels completely false, because I always keep blogs’ influence in perspective. The percentage of the American population that knows this site is preposterously small. Most of the people I’ve met in my life have no idea what I do or how I’m able to make a living off of it. Day-to-day life out in the real world makes the importance of a blog feel pretty small.
But then we ask you to help out for a cause, and you give us $4000 in the heart of a recession. It is absolutely humbling, and on behalf of Athletes for a Cure and the Wounded Warrior Project, I thank you for your support. I look forward to puking for you.
I know you’re all focused on the new NFL season and busy trawling the waiver wire for fantasy pick-ups, but I wanted to briefly thank everyone who has donated to my participation in Fight Gone Bad IV, which benefits Athletes for a Cure and the Wounded Warrior Project (more on all that here).
Yesterday, KSK readers donated $615 to my fund, which currently stands at more than $1900. Unbeknownst to me, there was something called the FGB IV Home Stretch Challenge, and $615 was more than any other athlete raised yesterday, so I won said challenge. The prize: a pair of limited edition Oakley Gascan sunglasses. These are nice sunglasses. But I don’t deserve them; you do. (Besides, my charming translucent pallor prevents me from experiencing direct sunlight.)
Perhaps in a perfect world, I could break the sunglasses into scores of different-sized pieces and mail every donor a sunglass shard proportionate to their gift. Instead, let’s do this: make a donation, then forward me the email you receive confirming your donation (my email). The person who makes the largest donation between now and 5 p.m. Eastern tomorrow will be lauded on this blog for their charitable magnanimity and general physical attractiveness — and he or she will also be the proud new owner of a pair of limited edition Oakley Gascan sunglasses.
Also: consider this a reminder to send us questions for tomorrow’s sex/fantasy football mailbag. Naturally, we’ll favor submissions from people who have donated to FGB.
MOAR $ PLZ. Congratulations, sexy readers: we’ve cracked the $1000 mark in the KSK Kares Kharity Drive to benefit my impending ass-kicking in Fight Gone Bad IV, benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Unfortunately, we’ve still got a ways to get to the $5000 goal.
As incentive, I shall post photos of the delightfully in-shape women of CrossFit until we get to 5 G’s. (Just as a general suggestion to every woman in the world: you are hereby invited to do more squats. Yowza.) Also, I realize we have female/gay readers, so here’s a little somethin’ for you, too.
If you haven’t donated yet (or feel like donating again — c’mon, you don’t need that lap dance), you can do so here. Thanks for all your generosity so far. (click image for larger)
We here at KSK are awful people. We sit on our asses watching a violent sport, ingesting fried food and alcohol, and then we devote the rest of our week to telling the meanest, crudest jokes we can think of. We challenge each other to swear in new and inventive ways. We draw on racist stereotypes for cheap laughs and make casual assertions of homosexuality.
We’re all headed straight to hell.
UNLESS! Unless we can use our evil powers for good! That’s right, it’s the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive! In 2007, when our little blog was barely a year old, we raised $1565 for Fisher House, which helps the families of wounded and amputee veterans. Last year, even with the economy at its absolute worst, you fine readers went above and beyond and chipped in $2495 for charity.
This year, I, Matt Ufford/Captain Caveman, will participate in Fight Gone Bad, a brutally punishing workout that raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project (raising awareness and providing aid to severely wounded veterans) and Athletes for a Cure (fighting prostate cancer). That’s right: TWO charities! That’s twice the charities to brag about donating to at your next cocktail party!
What exactly does Fight Gone Bad entail? I’m glad you asked. On Saturday, September 26th, I’m going to head over to CrossFit South Brooklyn and perform three five-minute rounds of a sadistic combination of exercises:
Wall-ball: 20-pound medicine ball, 10 ft target.
Sumo deadlift high-pull: 75 pounds
Box Jump: 20″ box
Push-press: 75 pounds
Row
You don’t have any idea what most of that is, do you? Here’s what it looked like last year:
Nice place, right? It’s like working out in a dungeon with windows.
ANYWAY, here’s where you come in. For every thousand dollars donated via my athlete page at FGB, I’ll pay back your kindness by posting one picture of me at FGB in increasing order of humiliation. One thousand dollars and it’ll be me shirtless, which is only mildly embarrassing. Two grand gets you a photo of me making a stupid face and sweating. $3000 and you get me curled up in the fetal position, unwilling and unable to move. Five grand is my goal, and if we hit that you get the money shot: me vomiting into a trash can.*
So please, donate now. I’ve started us off with $50, so we’re already 1% of the way there. The sooner we get to five G’s, the sooner we’ll stop reminding you to please help us support wounded veterans while also fighting cancer. You don’t want the cancer terrorists to win, do you? C’mon, let’s humiliate me for a good cause.
Thanks to those of you who have ponied up for a good cause. As for the rest of you? AVERT YOUR EYES!
This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.
I’ve never understood the phrase “give till it hurts.” Whoa whoa whoa there, fella. Let’s not give TOO much, okay? I don’t want to give till it hurts. No, I like to give until I feel extremely proud of myself, without putting any kind of serious dent in my portfolio, a dent that would cause me to alter my lifestyle in any way. That just wouldn’t make any sense. The reason you give is because you CAN. That’s what makes it so lovely for all parties involved.
And with that, I’m proud to announce that Fisher House has informed us that this year’s KSK Kares Kharity Drive has already raised $2,495 to help build temporary housing for wounded veterans and their families. And that my friends, gets you an extra helping of Veronika Zemanova. Because it shouldn’t hurt to give. It should feel good. And warm. And cleavagey. And sexy as all hell.
So big thanks to all of you who donated. Haven’t pitched in yet? Well, then you aren’t getting that warm sexy feeling now, are you? You can donate directly to Fisher House here.
It’s that time of year again. As I’ve said many times before, this site exists solely for evil purposes. No good can possibly come from what we’re doing here. Which is why I like donating a small, tax-deductible amount to charity on an annual basis, to absolve myself of all past sins. It’s just as soul-cleansing as giving yourself to Jesus, without having to give yourself to Jesus.
Yes, it’s the KSK Kares Kharity Drive, where we give to charity strictly for karmic and social gain. Last year, we raised $1,565 for Fisher House, a four-star rated charity which helps build temporary housing for injured military vets and their families. And if you think I don’t quote that figure to every asshole who questions the morality of this website, then you don’t know me very well. So what if I made Peter King cry himself to sleep the other night? I SUPPORTED OUR FUCKING TROOPS. I rule.
All week long, we’ll be placing the link to directly donate to Fisher House right at the end of every post. We ask that you give what you can. Not because it makes you a nice person, but specifically because it gives you an excuse to continue being a fucking horrible person. I suggest you bring up your donation any chance you get: on dates, in job interviews, everywhere.
Use it to illicit unjustified admiration and/or sexual favors. Be sure to mention your donation very casually, almost as if it means nothing to you. “Oh last week? Well, I went to the game. Then I had to fly to Sacramento for an offsite. Oh, and I HELPED TEND TO THE CARE OF WOUNDED VETERANS, WHICH MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU. AND I DID IT EVEN IN THE THROES OF A TERRIBLE RECESSION. SUCK IT.”
See how subtly I did that?
To repay your generosity, all week long we’ll also be posting pictures of chicks with guns. Because it really helps keep the important things in perspective. Goddamn. Look at that thing. It’s almost as big as Shiancoe’s cock.
The link to directly donate to Fisher House is right here. And you can read more about FH here. We’re gonna try and top last year’s total. Because we care just that much. It’s almost as if we’re TOO brave and noble for our own good.
The total donations raised for Fisher House: $1,565. It just goes to prove: KSK is here for the children. We’re not just here for the dick jokes, people. We’re here to give back to the community, and then to brag about just how much we gave back in order to justify being total fucking dicks. I feel great!
39 of you donated, which averages out to about $40 a donation. Jesus, you people are loaded. Why can’t you give ME any of that money? Huggies are never discounted at Giant, god dammit. Everyday low prices, my ass.
So take pride, you charitable souls, and spend this weekend celebrating yourselves. Drink 1,565 beers. Eat 1,565 flautas. Beat up 1,565 Patriot fans. Write a 1,565-word epic poem about yourself in the original Latin (mine is called The Drewterralogue). Spend 1,565 seconds giving your loved one oral pleasure. Dial 1-565-156-5156 and harass whoever’s on the other end. Refresh your NFL GameCenter 1,565 times. Spend $15.65 in takeout money. You could get three chicken finger subs instead of just one, fatty! Call your mother and give her a 1,565-word diatribe about how she doesn’t appreciate you enough.
$1,565. Nicely done, people. Here’s a cheerleader in lingerie. You should tell her about just how giving you are. Maybe she’ll acknowledge you presence for longer than 1.565 seconds.
QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I’ll be on WCCO Radio in Minneapolis this evening at 10:10 Central Time. You can listen here. if you so choose. I will not be sober.
