To stave off the specter of boredom or maybe just to sublimate our own latent rapey urges, the Gay Mafia occasionally engages in hour-long sessions of e-mail-based rape joke bandying. Really works out the dark urges. Yesterday, in what began innocently enough as a discussion of which reader has creeped us out the most at various blogger meet-ups then quickly morphed into a whirlwind brainstorm of how rapists would alter popular board games. Because we’re sick deviants like that. And, being so, we enjoy passing our pathology onto you, the reader. Preferably against your will.

**No rapist’s game shelf would be complete without handcuffs, And, of course, the game of Battlerape!

“You sunk my Rapesub!”

And now there’s Electronic Battlerape! With sound effects!

“D-Rectum? It’s a hit!”

“Beware the submarine — long, hard, etc.”

**A rapist sets up a spy cam in the dressing rooms in Mall Madness.

**They always like a good game of Connect Four Toddlers.

**Rapists naturally love Rape-opoly. Sample Chance card:

“You win first prize in a beauty contest. And then are raped.”

**Every time he captures a country in Risk, he rapes you using methods specific to that nation.

**Rapists love Twister. RIGHT FOOT LEFT LABIA

**Rapists claim Parcheesi is Hindi for “forced entry.”

**When playing Trivial Pursuit, a rapist goes right for the pink triangle.

**Only a rapist will call his scrotum the “Popomatic bubble”

**I’ve found that many rapists love a good game of Chutes and More Chutes.

**Candyland is the #1 game played in their windowless vans.

**Rapists are hard at work developing a new version of Mouse Trap, complete with a cage capable of subduing even the lithest tween.

**rapists adore a good game of TABOO. Guess the word without saying these five clue words!

crime
penetration
violation
bruising
rope

**A rapist will always choose rapist as their profession when playing The Game of Life. Then they rape all the pink and blue stick figures. Then the spin wheel.

**A rapist was the first and last champion of “Win Ben Stein’s Skin and Internal Organs.”

**A classic among rapists: Guess Who…Is Sneaking In Your Bedroom At Night

**Kerplunk is the noise it makes when he takes his dick out of your ass.

**They play Sorry! with kids only AFTER raping them

**Yahtzee is what a rapist screams when he rapes an ESPN anchor

**Rapists win every game of Scene It?: Rape Edition

**Rapists write letters to the makers of Operation demanding they supply them with the missing Penis Bone.

**The rapist version of Jeopardy! The Home Game! has nothing to do with the TV show.

**A rapist loves playing Clue, but it’s the same result every time. Col. Mustard, in the ass, with the candlestick.

**The rapist version of Chinese Checkers involves a confused 12-year-old and some anal beads

**Don’t challenge a rapist in Horny Horny Rapists. He always get more balls.

Above is the image Punté used yesterday for Beaker’s Super Bowl prediction.  Of course, blog commenters being what they are — that is, people who tend to ignore the forest to look at the trees (and leaves, and individual pieces of bark, and chloroplasts) — they instantly ignored the obvious bandwagon imagery and instead asked why Beaker was riding a D.C. Metro bus.

Anyway, from Maj’s annoying homerism for our nation’s capital (and Punte’s annoyance with it) was born a new meme: Beaker in D.C.

(more…)

Once again, it’s Green Week at NBC. Yes, from the people who brought you Earth Day, and Earth Hour, and Compost Week, and Drink-Your-Own-Urine Fortnight, comes a week where NBC personalities lecture you about just how wasteful and shitty a human being you are. I’m excited for random PSA’s from Hayden Panettiere where she tells me to not purchase bottled water while I mute the TV to gaze longingly at her supple hips.

Well, we at KSK are no strangers to environmental awareness. Why, just last week, I decided to start eating Velveeta again, in a brave attempt to help rid the world of all harmful BPA plastic byproducts. I also started throwing my empty beer cans directly in the forest behind my house. Some lucky centipedes now have a community of cylindrical townhomes to live in. Ecosystem: impoved.

The gents at Football Night in America also got in on the action. Tiki Barber said he was helping save the environment by using mass transit (though rumor has it he gets frustrated with the conductor and quits the train right before it reaches its destination). Cris Collinsworth said he walks to work, though I don’t know why he wouldn’t just spread his giant buzzard wings and fly in. And Keith Olbermann said his girlfriend (or hooker he ordered for the evening) makes him recycle shit. Well, thank God. These men are fucking VISIONARIES. How would our precious atmosphere survive without them doing the everyday, eco-friendly shit they probably would have done anyway?

So, in the spirit of Green Week, we again present to you all the myriad ways in which prominent NFL figures are helping to save the planet.

Joey Porter: Feeds garbage to his dogs

Travis Henry: Recycles all condoms

Tatum Bell: Buys none of his own clothes

Ben Roethlisberger: Doesn’t buy books

Joe Flacco: Stares down global warming when he drops back

Chris Hovan: Overpursues environmental agenda

William Clay Ford: Burns tires

Terrell Owens: Only bathes in organic popcorn

Jerry Jones: Now only holds extramarital affairs via company hang glider

Kurt Warner: Thanks Gaia, Spirit of the Earth, after key first down

Donovan McNabb: Did not know there was global warming. WHEN DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN?!

Keith Olbermann: Plans very important, overly melodramatic “special comment”, berating all of you for failing to save the planet, then will take private plane to exclusive dolphin-grilling brothel/restaurant

Al Davis: Denies existence of climate crisis, then denies existence of planet itself

Warren Moon: Beats wife only using biodegradable soap in hemp sock

Eagles and Bengals: Play so poorly that you’re convinced you won’t miss the world once it’s gone

Brady Quinn: Plans to harness vast energy expended to vigorously hide homosexuality

Tiki Barber: Uses teeth to provide much needed light source

Willis McGahee: Convinces industrial sector to follow his example and underproduce waste

Emmitt Smith: Will pull up all the stocks to beat climax change

Daunte Culpepper: Plans to stop consuming 55% of world’s food supply

Hines Ward: WHIRR WOLK HODDER IN LICE PADDIES! YOU RAZY MERICANS NO WOLK HOD!

Brett Favre: Will cause massive oil slick, then be praised by Peter King for cleaning up half of it

Mike Singletary: Will angrily give Congress “the red eye”

Reggie Bush: Will use girlfriend’s ass for energy-saving insulation

Your suggestions in the comments. Join us, won’t you? Together, we can make empty gestures to save the Earth and then spend a disproportionate amount of time congratulating ourselves for it.

Nnamdi Asomugha is the best corner in the league. In fact, he makes Champ Bailey look like a steaming pile of puke. The Panthers tested Nnamdi but once last week and he was on that ball like Romeo Crennel on the last loaded potato skin. While not well-known among casual fans, he commands the respect of other teams, having only a dozen or so balls thrown his way this entire season. Excellence like that demands appropriate recognition. Accordingly, Nnamdi Asomugha is your Meast of the Week.

Some of you might be saying to yourselves, “No freakin’ way, the Raiders suck out loud, plus they lost last week.” If you are of that school of thought, I kindly invite you to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. I’m tired of waiting for the Raiders to stop being inept before I give this award.

It’s hard not to pity Asomugha. He’s the best at what he does, yet he toils in the midst of the Oakland Raider shitshow. In his honor, the KSK gang sought out to recognize other superstars who are surrounded by talentless jackanapes. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Isolated beacon of talent ——————————- Crap factory they are/were stuck with

Alec Baldwin ———————————————————————— Baldwin bros.
Cris Collinsworth ————— other 37 assclowns in NBC’s “Football Night in America” studio
Andy Samberg —————————————————————- Saturday Night Live
The Nuge ————————————————————————- Damn Yankees
Honey Nut Cheerios ————————————– All the other varieties of Cheerios
Chris Walken ———————————————————————— Suicide Kings
Jack White ————————————————————————- White Stripes
Big Daddy Drew —————————————————————————— KSK
Colin Powell ——————————————————————- Bush administration
Jeremy Piven ——————————————————————– “Entourage” cast

Once in a while, FOX’s Terry Bradshaw stops by our fair site to dispense his much-loved brand of folksy advice. Take it away, Terry.

You know, I’ve traveled all across this country, far and near. I’ve met lots of people, and gotten all kinds of different gum diseases! And I’ve learned a whole lot meeting people out on the road, and then marrying them, and then divorcing them. For instance…

My daddy always said that if you’ve got yourself some gum, then you’ve got yourself some glue!

If you burn a book, you just release its knowledge out into the air. I done breathed lots of book smoke in my time. How else you thinks I got so smart?

Run out of hogs to make fancy city bacon? Just grab an opossum!

My favorite route is the crossing route! Especially if I’ve got a squirmer in the trunk!

Nothin’ in the Bible says you can’t be baptized with swamp water!

I’ll tell you what. If you ever need a cure for the homosexuality, I got one for ya: Kate Jackson’s drippin’ cooter!

Ain’t no black folk play a washboard quite like creole folk! HOO WEE, THAT’S ONE PURTY SOUNDING WASHBOARD THERE, FELLA!

Ever tried roasting a critter on a spit? Critter eatin’s the best eatin’ there be!

Depression’s terrible. It can eat at your very soul. You end up trapping yourself in this very dark place that you just can’t seem to escape. You feel cold. And alone. And you feel like there’s no hope. That there’s nothing you can do about it. But there is something you can do about it. Watch “Failure To Launch”!

Where I come from, you can always tell if a girl is marriage material by tasting her gumbo. And her tit milk!

Don’t throw out that fish head! Head’s the best part!

When we eventually colonize Mars, I hope we bring the crawdaddies with us!

Howie was in some Radio Shack commercials, you know? I sez to him, “We had a radio shack growin’ up! Kept the AM tuner in the outhouse!”

You ain’t need no cell phone when you got yourself 10-10-220, and someone who can read numbers and what not!

You know what would be a real purty name for a baby girl? Nutria!

Don’t care what the eggheads tell me, the speed of sound is 6. 6 what? 6 nothing, just 6.

Jillian Barberie is what Grammy Bradshaw would call a real “alligator boot whore”!

I don’t care what no one say, you know damn well a computer ain’t nothin’ but a typewriter attached to a teevee!

My momma always said a black tooth means six weeks of good luck!

If you ever see a feller in Oklahoma named Billy Joe “Blackjack” Raymond, you tell him Terry Bradshaw said hi! And then you take a crowbar and nail that sumbitch in the damn head with it. I WANT MY MARBLES BACK, BLACKJACK! THERE’S A SIDE TO TERRY BRADSHAW YOU DON’T SEE ON THAT THERE TEEVEE, ASSHOLE! YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT I’M CAPABLE OF WHEN A MAN’S GOT MY MARBLES!

They tell me we landed on the moon, but every night I look up there and I’ve never seen no flag!

You know, my momma always said that “Black Snake Moan” was about her! Ain’t that somethin’?

These California folk out here in LA sure are weird! They use forks!

Ain’t no better siding than tin foil siding!

Thanks, Terry. More backwater wisdom from Terry to come!

Vince Young went missing for four hours last night. Rumors abound of a possible mental breakdown. Well, we at KSK don’t like to speculate. We prefer to get the fucking FACTS. Here now is what transpired in those four hours that Vince Young was MIA.

7:00 PM – Young stumbles into top area hair salon. Sits in chair. Demands shaved head. Despite protestations from salon owner Gerry Jovel that he has “absolutely gorgeous, nappy roots,” Young persists. Jovel reports Young is slurring words and “wobbling badly”.

7:25 PM – Confronted by pushy paprazzi, Young assaults them with an umbrella.

7:45 PM – Young, now barefoot and only wearing his underwear, walks into local Victoria’s Secret and makes quick friends with two local teenage girls. He tries on various outfits for the girls, not bothering to use the changing room, often asking the girls, “Do I still look pretty?” One of the teens, local girl Stacy Johnson says, “He didn’t strike me as crazy at all. I think he just really wanted a friend. He was really very sweet.”

8:12 PM – Young absconds with nearby baby and goes for a joyride in a stolen Corvette with it in the front seat. Shouts out to nearby motorists, “I AIN’T USIN’ NO CAR SEAT CAUSE I’M COUNTRY!”

8:57 PM – Young binges on ice cream and raw cookie dough. Gains 700 pounds and acquires horrible acne.

9:34 PM – Young gets out of a limo and is photographed with his cock clearly hanging out of his pants.

10:00 PM – Young conducts tearful interview with Matt Lauer. Forgets to wear makeup. Looks like the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith.

10:12 PM – Local judge takes away Young’s kids, giving custody to his layabout baby momma, Kendra “Megahead” Fetterlang, who then sells the children in order to finance a hip hop album. Judge places Young’s dad in control of all his assets.

10:13 PM – Young checks into Promises, Malibu.

10:14 PM – Young escapes from Promises, Malibu.

10:16 PM – Young goes to a nightclub in pink wig, uses toilet without closing the door.

10:35 PM – Drives into middle of desert. Buys a York Peppermint Pattie. Returns home.

10:50 PM – Embarasses self at VMA’s by dancing awkwardly and declaring, “It’s Vince, bitch.”

11:00 PM – Young forcefully strapped to gurney by local paramedics, escorted to local psychiatric ward.

The Central Florida Jort Aficionados Association Packer Backers got together recently and O-town got tore up Wisconsin-diaspora style. Nothing says dignified sportsmanship like flinging yellow toilet seats around an otherwise scenic locale. Now you know how the CFPB rolls.

My panties are all Brett: Our Andrea Peyser says Favre a “real man”

New Jersey Bretts: New resident welcomed by home crowd

Sour Clemons: Favre arrival ruins run at starting gig

Favring For Football! Brett “Hungry” To Start Taking Snaps

Brett Brett Hut! Favre practices

Not Favre Now! Brett to Start in Week 1!

Favrey Far Far! Jets win in laugher!

Bobba Brett! Favre hunts down opposing corners!

Breast in Show: Deanna Favre at NY Fashion Week

Catherine Bretta Jones! Deanna and Douglas’ wife spar in “huge catfight”

Brett’s Get Physical: Jets win ugly brawler against Bills

Best Little Fourhouse In Jersey: Jets win again!

Bretty in Pink: Favre supports wife’s breast cancer awareness

Favre And Away: Brett and Peter King marry in Irish countryside

Favralous! Favre and King enjoy 2-night Key West getaway

You Can Brett On It! Favre Boldly Predicts Win Over Dolphins

Brettrosexual! Favre goes shoe shopping at Barney’s

Brett Offensive! Throw 3 picks in Pats loss

Chronicles Of Favria: Steve Serby hails the Jets new “Prince”

Bretteranarian! Favre tells Cindy Adams about his love for small toy dogs

Rum Slinger: Favre arrested in barroom brawl

Soldier Boy! Fightin’ Favre reminds our Steve Dunleavy of his old WWI chums at Gallipoli

Favre-y Dent: Brett’s inconsistent play has made him a Two-Face

Not The Man He First Brett: King and Favre try “trial separation”

4 Skinned? Favre arrested in Montclair, NJ, rest stop sting

Favre 4 Fighting: Jets make run at final playoff spot

Brett Him Outta Here! Rich Lowry says Favre’s whiny ways totally fucking Un-American

Favra Conger! Brett did all for the $$$$!

Brett Him Play! Favre wants start over Clemons

Brett Blanket! Favre unhappy with Clemons start

Pot Calls Brettle Back! Mangini says Favre “sabotaging” team

A Bridge Too Favre? Mangini and Favre “at a stalemate”

Favre, Nifty 4, Where Are You?! Favre a no-show for road trip

Favred Up! Jets miss playoffs thanks to untimely 8 INT Favre performance after Kellen goes down!

Thanks Four The Memories: Favre retires after disappointing season in New York; plans July unretirement

The Titans are always at the leading edge of innovation in the NFL. For example, on Monday they just installed lights on one of the three fields at their training facility. Lights! The kind that run on some sorcery called el-ek-tris-soty. Sounds evil, but it grants them the ability to run drills at night without the use of a bordering phalanx of druids holding votive candles. Those druids are threatening to unionize, you know.

Here are some other additions the Titans eventually hope to add to training camp:

The forward pass.

Coach’s loudspeaker that operates on fist-pumping

Training camp is here! Training camp is here! Training camp is here! YEAAARRRGGHHH!!

/cream jeans

God, it’s just so nice to kinda not really have the NFL back. And if there’s anything that heralds the near-arrival of yet another NFL season, it’s that late-July/early-August time when your brain, as if on some sort of internal clock, says to you:

“Hey, you better get your fantasy league going, asshole.”

Oh, how I just adore planning for my fantasy season. Like any real NFL team (even the Lions!), this is the time of year when my record is 0-0 and the harsh survival-of-the-fittest process of the regular season has yet to cleave my spirit in two. I could win a championship year! I really could! This could be THE year, fuckos! God dammit, it’s fun to be so naïve.

This is the time of year when I run to the newsstand to pick the $8 fantasy annual that will give me terrible, terrible advice. I never pick the same one. One year I went with Street and Smith’s, which I think is published sometime around February 1st. Another year I went with Pro Football Weekly’s. That one was okay. Then I tried Lindy’s, which isn’t fit to line a snake cage. And don’t even get me started on Athlon. I swear it’s written by some sort of computer program. Worst of all, last year I picked the ESPN annual. Dunno why I did that. If you like your fantasy football delivered with Poochie-sized doses of synergized attitude, plus Mike & Mike’s gay bantering in written form, that’s the annual for you.

All of these annuals will help you compile your draft board, a draft board I assure you’ll end up deviating from during the draft (“Wait, maybe I should take Marques Colston instead of Calvin Johnson! FUCK IT, I’M DOING IT!”). But none of them will help with the most important preparation of all: naming your squad.

Well, we here at KSK are here to help. Time to bring back our now annual fantasy team naming guide. Tired of naming your team Magic Man And El Diablo, like you do every year? Well, fear not. Once again, we break it down by category.

Dirty Names
-Mangy Little Pussyflaps
-Sexy Friday Flautas
-Dana Cuntstubblefield
-Chief Executive Boners
-Fuckshovels
-Shovelfucks
-Ladyfingerers
-Fuck Town
-A Bunch Ah Fackin’ Dahkies
-Dongbones
-Nutz On Ya Chin
-Faceless Pussies
-Ass Hammers
-Giant Snatches
-Cockpunchers
-Nipple Pullers
-Chocolate Dongs
-Fuck Lions

Film/TV/Music/Internet References
-Jenkem Huffers
-Tiny Brained Wipers Of Other People’s Bottoms
-Not Your Fwiends, Guy
-Vertimaids
-Leeeeeeeeerrrroyyyyyyyyyy Jennnnnkemmmmmm!!!!
-Tell Me How My Ass Tastes
-Bologna Hammers
-Cock Swallowing Toilet Rapists
-Steaming Bags Of Pony Cunt
-Johnny Human Torches
-Friend-O’s
-We Are The Third Revelation
-Bastards From A Basket
-Hey, That’s My Asshole!
-Hayden Panettiere Hymen Busters
-Guitar Queeros
-YOU. ARE. FAGS.

Football/KSK References:
-Kellen Kolber’s 12 Dads
-Cooley’s Bag o Dicks
-Sean Taylor’s Thigh Hole
-Tedy Bruschi’s Skull Clot
-Kenny’s Suitcase Midgets
-The Fightin’ Cutlers
-Santonio’s Dong Rodeo
-Chubtards
-Shawn Merriman: Office Rapist
-Brady’s Bunch O Cock
-Biff Kings
-The Worst Team Dan Snyder Can Buy
-My Sauces
-Favraros
-Emmitt Smith’s Debaclers
-Matt Jones Toilet Rail
-Ken Stabler’s Ass Stapler
-Cedric’s Sun Chips
-$1000 Bounty on Daunte Culpepper
-Defenestrators
-Jack Nastys
-Billy Belichick’s MILF-Hunters
-Rainmakers
-Todd Sauerbrun’s Gaping Vag
-Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company
-WELKAHHHHHS
-Reggie Bush’s Tush Regiment
-Brett Favre’s Intercepted Texts
-Emmitt Smith’s Guide To Renuciation and Dicked-chin
-Matty Ice Bukkake Latte
-Jerramy Stevens’ Mickey Slippers
-Smirre If You Want Team Win

News References
-McCain: Let’s Get Silly
-Tim Russert’s Humble Infarction
-God Damn Americans
-Hezbollahs Fist Bumps
-Angelina’s Adopted Children
-Michelle Obama, Whitey Receiver Coach
-Obama Been Fondlin’
-Heath Ledger’s Ambien Stash
-Holy Gay Bissingers
-Amy Winehouse Dead By Week 3
-Teddy Kennedy’s, Er Uh, Tumahs

Puns
No pun teams this year. You’re better than that!

Yours in the comments. Get ready for fantasy football, gang.