As Nashville police try and sort through the sad details of Steve McNair’s murder, various media outlets have stumbled over themselves to get ahead of the story, thus resulting in a rare perfect storm of retarded speculation and braindead theories about the circumstances surrounding the star QB’s demise. Well folks, no one covers a major event as poorly as we at KSK do. If you’re going to read speculation about McNair that is clearly false, you deserve only the DUMBEST of theories and predictions. Here now, is some of our very finest non-detective work on the matter.

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Reports surfaced today that a Vikings trainer visited the Brittfar feudal land barony on Sunday to suggest to his lordship a regimen of exercises for his recently operated upon shoulder, so that the quarterback may be fine enough physical condition to torpedo the Vikes season by Week 1.

Sometimes we feel like we maybe have maybe a tad too much Favre antipathy on this site. So, concerned that a trainer from a team already fraught with inept quarterback play would only make things worse, we have some other suggestions to get that gun in slinging shape.

Surely you can think of some more. And not only hoisting a gun to discharge into his head.

That’s right, SI’s preeminent coffee and travel blogger turns 52 today. In honor of the momentous occasion we’ve compiled some first-rate gift ideas.

-Land
-Elite flyer medal (really just the plastic wings they give to kids to get them to behave on the plane)
-Red Sox championship ring
-Brett Favre stubble
-Walking cane
-Reimbursement from Schlereth
-Long term parking for one seldom used car
-Toone P. Wiggins gift card
-A copy of Coldplay’s Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends
-Season 3 of House on DVD

Continue after the jump for our own special gift to the birthday boy.

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He doesn’t mow that field.  He cuts the grass. (Sometimes they let him paint the lines!)
He runs the hell out of a concession stand. He knows right way to top off a Pepsi so it doesn’t foam over the edge of the cup.
Every summer he helps the marching band raise money by eating their funnel cakes at the fair.
He spends his nights in a shed behind the field.
He “volunteers” at the weekly fish fry at the VFW post, but really he’s in it for the fry-batter.
He used to own a hound dog.  Used to…
The most expensive beer he drinks is Budweiser.
He did not purchase those shorts — he found them.
Though he has no children, he’s an avid supporter of the high school football team.
“You kids know about meth? I’ll tell ya about meth.”

CNBC’s Darren Rovell did a story yesterday about athletes receiving free schwag or making a quick buck by endorsing goods or services on Twitter. Intrigued, we did a quick search and found that a number of our favorite NFL figures were already cashing in on the phenomenon. Check it out:

TheBen: “15 KILL STREAK ON CALL OF DUTY BEATS SUPER BOWL RING ANYDAY”

Percy_Harvin: Big thanks to Magic Bus head shop on Broad Ripple for hooking me up with that sweet-ass Graffix bong while I was at the combine in Indy.

PacmanJones: Yo yo Pacman down wid Belvedere Vodka. O YOU GON DRANK WID MR. BELVEDERE, BITCH. Chuh chuh 4:15PM from the strizzay

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This week the AJC reported that in addition to switching defense attorneys, Michael Vick has been busy penning a book during his time in prison. The former Falcon is still looking for a co-author for project, so we figured we’d toss our collective hat in the ring. What follows is a list of our suggested book titles that should show Vick just how serious we are about this whole enterprise. There will be rape stand jokes.

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1. Train Chef
2. Automobile “Otto” Baker
3. Monorail T. Busboy
4. Taxicab Chauffeur
5. Jet Receptionist
6. Jeep Shinebox
7. Tank Bricklayer
8. Trolley Mason
9. Unicycle Priest
10. Scooter Cooper
11. Rascal St. Tax Attorney
12. Skateboard Sommelier
13. Dinghy Cobbler
14. Raft Crossingguard
15. “Hatchback” Alderman
16. Truck Fluffer
17. Rollerblade Broadway-Star
18. Ford Constable
19. Spaceshuttle Pizzaboy
20. Chevy Chase-Bankteller
21. Locomotive Coxswain
22. Segway von Blogger III
23. Submarine Tailor
24. Magic Carpet Ditchdigger
25. V-22 “Osprey” Firefighter

It’s often said that the drills used at the NFL Combine are inadequate, that they don’t capture many of the critical nuances that separate NFL-grade talent from Ted Ginn Jr. That’s why we at KSK are lobbying for the inclusion of the following drills so that teams are better able to judge how an athlete will hold up when faced with the rigors of the NFL. Also, they’d be fun to watch.

Maxwell Bump
Shepard “Shep” Houndclaw
Eddie Sidearm
Dash Worley, “Privatest Eye”
Smoke McCloud
Johnny C. Lately
Crescenzo “Cup” Pucino
Morris Longfellow
Vaughn von Renssalaer
Rex Abernathy
Rip Turlington IV (NOTE: wears eye patch)
Barnaby Frisco
Roscoe Tenpin
Hector O’Bannon
Chet Studebaker
Oscar Sweetwater
JJ McDuff (NOTE: Is currently parked in the inconspicuous Ford right down the street)
Ephraim Flintlock
Freddie Fong, The Fortune Teller
Elvin Armstrong
Stanley Brubeck (NOTE: Sleeps with and physically abuses all female clientele)
Harold Getz
Eddie Gumm
Arnold “Switchblade” Sanders
Tefilio “Tug” Toronado
Riff Hoback
Salvatore “Flatiron” Venuti (NOTE: Knows you’re queerin’ the details, Mister)
Fenster McCubbin
Moe Byrd (“Sorry, honey. This Byrd don’t sing.”)
Bruno “Deep Sleep” Kowolski
Walter “The Walnut” Baines (NOTE: He’ll never crack)
Frank “20/20” Salvatoriello
Jack Dobbins (NOTE: This whole thing’s gettin’ too big for him. He’s just tryin’ to make a living here.)
Puck Darlington
“Pop” Morgan, Sr.
The Hutch Brothers
Cliff Kastle (NOTE: He’ll never let you in)
Thurgood Badd
Mance L. Dinwiddie (NOTE: Plays all the angles)
Bones Goodwin
Sal Mandrake
Butch Longacre
Elroy Hirsch (NOTE: May be actual NFL Hall of Famer)
Harvey Lee Robinson
Nick Barque
Hubbs Lanscott (NOTE: Has midget assistant named Mancha)
Horace Traffort
Grayson “The Shadow” Lawson
Bix Weedmann (”I swear to Christ, Vern. One more reefer crack and I slug him. I don’t give a tinker’s damn how many stripes he’s got on his sleeve.”)
Clarence “Roughhouse” Hopper