So, an NFL scout claims that Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett “thinks he’s Eminem.” I can see where that would be a bad thing. Schizophrenic quarterbacks can be rather unpredictable. But this made us collectively wonder, in what way does Mallett think he’s the Enema Man?

Does he sing duets with Elton John?
Does his throwing motion go out of style two months after everyone’s seen it?
Did he pen a derisive philippic about his slattern mother?
Did he film a love scene with Brittany Murphy? (Because that probably isn’t legal.)

* * * *

Bill Belichick would do this just to get a free a change of clothes.
(“FOOTBALL FRANCONA, NO ONE DENIES THIS!”)

Bucs coach Raheem Morris managed the Tampa Bay Rays in a spring training victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. Morris said of the job “All I’ve got to do is look serious and spit seeds.” Interestingly enough that’s also the job description for Charlie Sheen’s next “goddess”.
[via MJD]

* * * *
When asked by ESPN about Tiki Barber’s ill-conceived comeback, Antonio Pierce slammed his former teammate. “Tiki Barber, the leader, the person in that locker room? He is not going to do anything for your team.” The Giants are going about this the wrong way. They need to get Tiki into camp and show him how to be a better teammate this time around. Just think of the playful welcome-back taunts he could receive, “Ann Curry could hang on to the ball better than you!” or “Hey Tiki, Al Roker woulda made that block!” or “You destroyed your family, you selfish c*cks*cker!” You know, good-natured banter like that.

* * * *
According to this tweet, ESPN’s Todd McShay was enthusiastic over Auburn tackle Nick Fairley’s pro day performance. Perhaps too enthusiastic:

[via Goal Line Stand]

Gushing? Ewww. I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason I find that phrase a little disquieting.

Oh yeah, that’s why.

It even has a steering wheel. Let’s hope Bray didn’t try to drive it home.

This is Braylon Edwards’ birthday cake. We don’t know anything about where this cake appeared, but we’re going to presume it wasn’t the party room at Dave & Buster’s. Maj chalks this spectacle up to a case of birthday cake envy, but perhaps…wait, is that a Transformer on the third tier?

Link via the PigskinLovingLady, who wonders, “Who ate the head… and tail?” We’re pretty sure Coach Ryan and the missus double teamed it at the after-party. Yummy.

Plaxico Burress: Celebrated New Year’s Eve.

Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.

Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.

Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.

Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.

Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.

Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.

“Valentine’s Day? Already? Man, they don’t tell us sh!t in here.”

Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.

DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.

Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.

Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.

Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.

Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.

Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.

Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.

Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.

Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.

Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights

Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.

Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.

OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.

We were all taken aback by the news that Brett Favre’s NFL-record consecutive game streak is in jeopardy. And while it may be premature to count Favaro out, it’s never too early to plan for the future. With that in mind, this latest setback might present some lucrative new marketing possibilities for the Land Baron:

“Whew, all better now!”
“When an ornery li’l dogie puts a hitch in my get-a-long, Sheriff Brett reaches for the Dingo Western Pride™ Athletic Boot. Genuine hand-tooled Apache leather, oil-resistant outsole, relaxed wide-fit… it’s the only ankle-boot that provides the comfort of the great outdoors with the Western-best look that I demand.  Is that a double-stitched welt?  Dern tootin’!  

A classic look that’s equally at home on the ranch or at the saloon.  It’s the only boot this gunslinger will ever wear. Lookin’ good, pardner!”

What fools we were. Thinking all along that it was a standoff between the players’ union and the owners that was going to ruin the NFL. No, it’s going to be the work of Little Nancy Non-Football People (Millen’s words) trying to dilute the innate toughness of the game all for the sake of people not getting permanently maimed. HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?

Anyway, it only took a couple generations of players becoming slobbering wrecks in old age as well as a litany of studies that produced the startling conclusion that head injuries do not in fact make males more virile later in life for the NFL to do something about protecting its players from concussions. Just kidding. It was all the result of the TINDERBOX OF DEATH THAT WAS WEEK 6. Prior to Sunday, we had no idea helmet-to-helmet hits could be a problem. But now they are worse than 12 types of cancer and we must stamp them out immediately.

What will the NFL do? Besides overact horribly and ruin the sport? Read on and discover the pussifying rule changes (Millen’s words) to come:

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The Chiefs yesterday were the last team to be knocked from the ranks of the unbeaten when they lost to the Colts in Indianapolis, mostly because Dwayne Bowe can’t catch, Matt Cassel is awful and Todd Haley wanted to pretend like it was Super Bowl XLIV all over again and he was Sean Payton. The Chiefs might also have been as startled as we were to spot a non-atrocious looking female Colts fan.

But CBS, crack production team that they have, was able to identify a few other key reasons as to why Kansas City lost that escaped our attention. You might have missed them during the broadcast, but lucky for you we at KSK were able to screencap them.

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This past Friday, the news came out that John Harbaugh doesn’t expect Sergio Kindle to play this season because of the injuries sustained when the second-round pick fell down a flight of stairs during training camp. Instead of the understandable sympathy another might show to a serious injury sustained because of a medical issue like narcolepsy, our line of thinking instantly retreated to DURR HURR HIS LAST NAME IS THE SAME AS THAT FANCY READING DO-HICKEY!

So we got to thinking: how can we incorporate trendy devices into the names of prominent NFL players? Why? Because it was Friday and we were bored and possibly on drugs. Fortunately, we were so moved by the force of our collective wit that we decided to share the fruits of our pointless time-wasting endeavor.

We occasionally bent the rules a few times, instead straying into faddish online sites and sometimes using devices that haven’t been considered current in nearly a decade. Got a problem? Do us one better in the comments, then.

Mathias Wiiwanuka

TomTom Brady

Bernard Blackberrian

Blu-Rey Malaluga

Jeremy Mac-lin

SIRIUS Norwood

Antonio Gateway

Antwaan Randle LCD

Yeremiah Dell

iOmegatron

Limas Tweet

Droidell Williams

Sony Stylez G. White

Derrick iPod Dockery

SanCasio Holmes

Samsung Hurd

Aaron RSS

Alge Tumblr

Maurice Jones-USB Flash Drive

Okay, we’re stretching on that last one. Want more? Might I suggest you go to Jahvid Best Buy for inspiration.

Don’t mind this unrelated whoring for my Designed Rush column at SB Nation.

It’s the second week of the preseason, which means we’re officially in the middle of prime fantasy drafting time, from now right up until Week 1. So let’s go ahead and celebrate that right now by saying…

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Dez Bryant: clearly not burdened with carrying AT&T’s nation-wide network

Cowboys rookie receiver Dez Bryant has so enamored football pundits that he has almost single-handedly vaulted Dallas into the role of preseason NFC favorites, even though they have pretty much the same weaknesses they had before and Wade Phillips is still the coach and don’t we go through this every year? In what is either evidence of looming rookie intransigence or, more likely, that Dez was quick to learn that no one cares what Roy Williams wants, news has come out that Bryant is refusing to carry Williams’ pads during camp. This is a horrible violation of The Rookie Code, which states that first-year players happily submit to hazing and subjugation on penalty of bitchy comments to the media about their commitment.

As usual, the media is fixated on the controversy but not the underlying issues behind it. KSK, as always, is better informed and better attuned to the interests of its audience. Here, then, are some actual reasons as to why Dez Bryant will not carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads. Surprisingly, fewer than half have to do with being the son of a prostitute.

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All duh whirl is gabbin on dat bigol hushpuppy dere LeBon Jane and wut his decissin gunna be. Well you lissin here, whirl, ol’ brittfar gotsta talk turkey to ya: frankly, you don really care none bout dat bassetball foolishness. Wut is da bassetball anyway? Dem tall coloreds runs to and fro on da wood floors what was nice and polish-like. Got no regard for a nice wood floor. Das why brittfar play a sport what got the sense tuh be in tha outdoors on thuh greengas where it fun tuh play in yer Wranglers.

But sumayas still ackin all obsess-like. Dunno why. Ol’ brittfar gunna helps ya, cause he got the horse cents. He know you’s really missin the foobaw and they bassetball tricksters has ya fooled nta recokinnin that you give a flyin cowpie wut LeBon Jane do wit his life. Seems ta me, brittfar gotsta save ya from yaself.

Problem is, brittfar ain’ no idear man. He a man of ackshun. Thas why he turn to sum clever book-lurned Jewfolk ta gin a few up for him. Which ya think will wurk bess to get the attenshun back to brittfar and the foobaw?

Take the USS Alabama out to the Deepwater Horizon site and clog the breach by chucking footballs at it

Hunger strike for Lindsay Lohan

March on Selma for Mel Gibson

Sail around the world with a 17 year old girl

Become Alvin Greene’s campaign manager

Sign with the Knicks

Catch a huge fish

Watch the World Cup Final with a cell phone tucked in between his new implants.

Call a press conference for 8:45 pm EST to announce that he’s Batman

Let Paul the Octopus decide if he should come back for another season.

Twilight could always use a homespun Mummy character

Out himself as a Russian spy.

Continue supplying purple drank to washed out quarterbacks

Try to fit three regulation billiard balls into his mouth at the same time.

Offer to fight Manny Pacquiao

Accuse Childress of sexual assault.

One uh dese is fittin ta work. Which one it gunna be, whirl? Remember ol’ brittfar is only doin this fer you, not like the no-account schemin’ LeBon feller. He know whuts good fer him, he just gunna go away fer good.