Our excitement over the fallout from the Super Bowl has plateaued, with the only items of note today being Brandon Jacobs telling Gisele to shut up, Kurt Warner stoking tedious “Is Eli a Hall of Famer yet?” discussions and Greg Jones’ mom appearing less than thrilled about her son’s on-field proposal to this white woman. While we wait a few days before the Bucs decide to already fire Greg Schiano, we’re left to make more fun of our own, preferably at the expense of our favorite anti-football poetry enthusiast, Peter King. Watching Super Bowl postgame interviews, I noticed PK shoehorning himself in the camera shot like an everyday me-first GLORY BOY. At first, I wasn’t sure why I found the image funny, but then we realized that his bewildered expression lent itself well to Photoshops, and that was all the inspiration we needed. Laughable face, PK has it.

‘Shops after the jump. As always, you’re encouraged to add your own in the comments, whether you be an Elite 15er or not.

“Um, Brett, your dog took my seat again.”

“Those nuggets are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE”

“One triple hazlelofty nugmet memeacchino, pronto, or Seattle will hear of this!”

According to Philip Rivers, yesterday was the “worst day ever.” But aside from blowing a potential win for the second straight week, what had Marmalard feeling so down? Continue after the jump for an exclusive breakdown of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

- Flat tire on the way to work
- Wife wants to try a position besides missionary
- Church brought in annoying new priest
- Mondays, am I right?
- Didn’t get to eat barbecue during road trip
- Eldest son keeps questioning transubstantiation
- Deltas started a food fight in the cafeteria
- Missed out on an opportunity to lecture youths about the sin of Halloween
- Wife brought up getting a vasectomy again
- Bothered by Rick Perry’s drinking
- Forgot to set the DVR for The Sing Off
- Norv suggested that someone else lead the post-game prayer
- Mistaken for a ginger

Every Halloween, the KSK staff joins together to eat candy and brainstorm creative costume ideas for notable NFL figures. Mostly though, we eat candy. God, I live a snack-size Butterfinger. The way it flattens out at the end, giving you a perfect entry bite into the crunchy peanut buttery goodness? So, so good. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Anyway, here is our list of costumes. By all means, add your in the comments. Here we go:

Andy Reid – Oogie Boogie from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Bill Simmons – Ryan Reynolds

Bernard Berrian – Ron Kovic

Kevin Kolb – Nick Offerman

Al Davis – Corpse

Jim Schwartz/Jim Harbaugh – Punch and Judy

Brandon Marshall – Herschel Walker

Herschel Walker – Martha Marcy May Marlene

Donovan McNabb – Gus from Breaking Bad (post-explosion)

Peyton Manning/Andrew Luck – Cap Rooney/Willie Beamon

Peter King – the Shock Top Logo

Eli Manning – The bunny from “Hop” that shits jelly beans

Gregg Easterbrook – Jew

Mark Sanchez – Aaron Sanchez

Rashard Mendenhall – Slutty Osama

Cam Newton – Black Ryan Gosling from Drive

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Kyle Kinane

Vince Young – Christian Laettner ’92 USA Team jersey

Chad Ochocinco – Store bought Charlie Sheen costume LOL

Vince Wilfork – Adele

Jason Garrett – Occupy Wall Street protestor

BEN – Seal Team 6 guy

Megatron – Real Steel robot

Chris Kluwe – Nyan Cat

Andy Dalton – Shaun White, unless he can find another ginger to form a Pete and Pete combo

Roger Goodell – DeMaurice Smith (full blackface)

Roger Goodell – David Stern

Jerry Richardson – Calvin Candie

Hines Ward – pictured

Michael Vick – Guy in full body cast from the old Milk commercial

Dan Snyder – The .01 %

Tony Sparano – The 99%

Andy Dalton – Opie Taylor

Dez Bryant – Legendary cat burglar The Phantom from “The Pink Panther”

Tom Brady – Theo Epstein in full Cubs uniform (TROLLIN!)

Todd Haley – Chet from “Weird Science”

Norv Turner – No costume (“I dunno. Seems awfully risky to deviate from my tried and true khakis and polo shirt combo, you guys.”)

Felix Jones – Wally Pipp

Ronnie Brown – Garo Yepremian

Ndamukong Suh – Chong Li from “Bloodsport”

The Cleveland Browns – A team that can grow into something

Joe Flacco – Tony Banks

Blaine Gabbert – Wes Scantlin

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Yalie with boorish manners

Tim Tebow – Martin from “The Human Centipede: Full Sequence”

Pete Carroll – Bill Clinton (no actual costume required)

DeMaurice Smith – John Witherspoon

Rex Grossman – Rubber Man from “American Horror Story”

Maurice Morris – Any character from “Glee”

Chris Johnson – Albert Haynesworth

Alex Smith – Trent Dilfer

Hue Jackson – Nero

St. Louis Rams – Los Angeles Rams

John Beck – Ken Jennings

Terrell Owens – Full New England Patriots uniform

Happy Halloween, kiddos.

KSK’s favorite nutmeg evangelist, Peter King, spent yesterday tooling around Texans camp in search of the type of Munchakian nuggets that made this week’s MMQB column so devastatingly depressing to Titans fans. And what was PK able to deliver to his adoring public? That Wade Phillips awards raisin roundies (his special no-raisin recipe!) for each pass deflection? Not even! Instead, we got a bratty quote from Cole Cameron Leinart, son of quarterbacking virtuoso Matt, that fully illustrates that the apple doesn’t fall far from the apple-scented Axe body spray tree.

Ignoring the sad fact that it might be PK’s best piece of original reportage all year, we were left to wonder what other kinds of things Lil’ Leinart is saying. Follow us on a thought experiment in which we use a small child as a vehicle to make cruel jokes about his father. You won’t feel scummy at all!

“Saw Suri Cruise in People. Threre’s a chick that needs a dickin’.”

He’s the oft-criticized quarterback of the Chicago Bears, and he’s a bit of a dick.

This one was submitted by our own Christmas Ape. Now you can play along at home using the image macro below.

Thanks to Ufford for the Photoshop work.

Come, gather ’round, ye scalawags. The seas be quiet, the air is still, and it’s past time that Old Bill filled your head wi’ t’ truth of this fine ship, t’ privateer Grantland.

Yarrr, Old Bill were not always t’ captain o’ t’ swiftest ship on t’ seven seas. True, they call me t’ Dread Pirate Simmons now, but in me younger years, I were no more ‘n Barnacle Bill, a lowly barhand in t’ Bay Colony, scribblin’ out me thoughts and tossin’ them into t’ briny morass. But aye, those bottled messages traveled far and wide, they did. The voice of Barnacle Bill, the stories of me voyages, me misadventures wi’ Blackjacko and First Mate Sal, gained me entry into t’ fearsome Espanish arrrrrmada.

I were little more’n a deckhand back then, but me work ethic and tireless production gained me followers, aye. Sailors and surfers alike appreciate that I’m lowborn, like them. Me father were a simple gold prospector:

Aye, look at me. A tadpole I were back then, smooth-faced and two-eyed. ‘Twas afore I took a broken bottle t’ me porthole whilst celebratin’ t’ victory of t’ Red Stockings, back in aught-four. Worth it, says I.

Where were I? Aye, me rise troo t’ ranks.

I spake t’ the common hand, I did. For I knew e’ery young landlubber enjoys T’ Karrrrrate Kid, and even t’ lowest bilge rat knows t’ career of Ryan Reynolds, t’is not SEAWORTHY! His pictures be sinkin’ ships all. Yarrr, denied by none!

Wi’ wisdom an’ insights like that, I soon helmed t’ most fearsome corsair in the Espanish arrrrmada, stocked full from bow t’ stern wi’ t’ most bloodthirsty an’ loyal pyrates ye’d never survive meetin’. Arrr, me fame and notoriety struck fear in t’ empire, it did. Tired o’ fightin’ an’ pillagin’ alongside slow-witted landlubbers like DJ Gallows, I brokered a separation o’ sorts from Espain. Oh, sure, t’ queen gets her cut o’ t’ Grantland‘s gold, but this here be Simmons’s ship.

Me ship, me hand-picked crew o’ swaggerin’ pyrates o’ prose. Klosterman, t’ Viking Pussy. He’ll kill yer brain wi’ his trickery, fashionin’ stupid arguments about meanin’less shite. T’ mountainous Wright Thompson. He’ll drink ya under t’ table an’ stick ya wi’ t’ bill. An’ we got a diverse crew o’ young’uns we stole out t’ scuppers o’ jollyboats: t’ wench Baker, a well-spake Negro, an’ a jolly giant from t’ Northlands named Jonah. Out from t’ belly o’ t’ whale he came, says I.

Wi’ this fine seasoned crew, Old Bill barely needs t’ touch t’ rudder o’ Grantland, seein’ t’ way she steers herself. Most hours, I rest easy in me stateroom, workin’ — if ye call it that — on what I pray’ll be a 10,000 word retellin’ o’ t’ finest tale e’er put to screen:

Old salts tell the tale of an accursed lad. When the moon grows full, the wretch assumed the form and manner of the dreaded fenris–surfing the streets atop his father’s hardware store van, as dolphins play in the wake of a ship.

Yarrr, a fine start that is.

Every year we do this fantasy naming guide, but I’m especially happy to present it to you this year because, of course, there almost wasn’t fantasy football at all. And how terrible would that have been? No choosing an offensive team name. No hoping to organize a live draft with all your KRAYZEE BUDDIES IN VEGAS, only to have your plans fall through and organize a Yahoo! draft that features a disappointingly low amount of chat in the chat box, with people bailing after the sixth round. No looking at your draft haul and realizing you hate your team. No dropping players in Week 2 who magically turn into perma-studs in Week 3. No sitting there impotently while Chad, that dickhead from sales, cruises to the title for the fourth straight year and pretends he knows a lot about football WHEN IT’S ALL LUCK, I TELL YOU! ALL DUMB LUCK!

None of that. Which would be horrible.

So it’s with great relief that I bring you this year’s fantasy naming guide. These name suggestions have been painstakingly hand-crafted over the course of the year (or past two hours), and they are yours to do with as you see fit. There are NO Charlie Sheen jokes on this list. If you use a Charlie Sheen joke, you deserve to be kicked out of your league for being a tit. The best fantasy name is one that amuses you and/or disgusts others throughout the course of the entire season. And so these names were conceived with an EVERGREEN feel in mind. Let us begin:

-Casey Anthony Baby Shower
-Amy Winehouse Corpse Bukkake
-Rex Ryan Footpie
-Gay Dungys
-Pumpkin-Flavored Sperm
-The Loftorium
-Alabama Tornado Pot Luck ’11
-The Ryan Dunn 500 Brought To You By Smirnoff
-Rainbow Jizzstains
-Fister Roboto
-Rashard Mendenladen
-Bill Barnwell’s Foreskin Metrics
-Cowherd Penis Tumor
-Jay Cutler Kneeginas
-#blacktwittertags
-Jerry Richardson Ass Cancer Fairies
-Cromartie Foster Child Outlet
-Adam Schefter Porn Tape
-Nipple Pot Pie
-Gin & Chloroform
-Sophomores For Sanchez
-Li’l Sebastians
-Slutwranglers
-Authorized Bill Simmons Movie Stars
-Tebow Anal Pledge
-Oslo Shooting Daycamp
-Steve Slaton Butterclaws
-Tommy Freshes
-Lexxi Silver’s Side-Armed Handjobs (courtesy @pearlbullets)
-Crazy Ira & The DOUCHE
-Tiki’s White Girl Fund
-Cock And Biscuits
-Lenny Dykstra’s Debt Ceiling
-The Charging Vulvas
-Slutty Megatron
-Peles of Anal
-Tonguin’ Connie Britton
-Brandon Marshall’s Better Half
-Angry Turds
-Banjo Chris Kluwe
-Dichabod Cranes
-Darren Rovell’s Cake Balls
-Snapplecunt and the Vomitoriums
-Roger Goodell Anal Faceplant
-Monkey With A Gun
-Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship
-Gabby Giffords Skull Bowling
-Betty Ford Gravekegger
-Russian Nesting Dildos
-Nastyass Honey Badgers
-Bin Laden Corpse Removal Systems
-Hot Fudge Butt
-The Last Chinese Rapist
-The Last Wilting Turd
-The Booty Farmers
-Laurie Berkner Titpinch
-Clarence Clemons Skin Sax
-Motorboatin’ Nancy Grace’s Eyebrows
-Ellis Lankster Always Pays His Debts
-Ryan Murphy’s Leaking Colon
-Kenny Britt Lockout Blotter
-Jeff Fisher Will Fistpump For Dollars
-Hillis Week 2 Groin Tear
-Nazi Baristas
-Penises & Aliens
-Yogi Nuggets
-Steve Serby Has Mouth Herpes
-OSU Scrotal Tattoos
-Steig Larsson’s Rape Scenes
-Anal Hair Putting Green
-Vancouver Riotkissers
-Battery Acid Colonic
-Beav Hose Soaking
-Venice Peronis
-Al Davis Face Lesions
-Pyramid of Greatness
-All the Bacon and Eggs You Have
-Conrad Hotel Receipt Bitch
-Dave Duerson’s Headspot
-Derek Jeter Rapes Starving Cripples
-The More Teams Should Do This Department
-Four Seasons Or Bust
-Dave Meggett GHB Bucket
-Kam Nootuns
-The Recombobulation Area
-Pippa Middleton Booty Watch 2011
-Peter’s King Team. Sort Of.
-Montclair GODFUCKYOUS
-Jeff Blumbkins
-Childhood Molestation Pillows
-Gus Johnson Mouthskeet
-Dan Snyder’s Inverted Penis
-Rick Reilly’s Adjectives
-Cookies For Steve Young
-Box O’ Clits
-Dallas Moonscapers
-Clown Shoes Brewmeisters
-Polka Dot Boners
-Roger Ebert’s Jawbag
-RUPERT MURDOCH JACKED OFF TO MY SEXTS
-Prikileaks
-Peter King’s Extended Vacation
-Darnell Dockett’s Trillest Tweets
-Box Full Of Baby Penises
-Gulf Coast Oilbirds
-Bleechur Reeporte
-Hugh Jackman Mustache Parade
-Spork in Your Uterus
-Gary Kubiak Fumble Orgy
-Norv’s Face Geologist
-Joey Harrington’s Paper Route
-Titburglars
-Urethra Foam Beard
-Katy Perry’s Speculum
-Backfat Corn Turds
-Mexican Gingivitis
-The Spanish Tit Hammers
-Fukushima Blinkies

Yours in the comments. Rejoice everyone. Fantasy is BACK.

AdamSchefter Tebow would have been there before 8, but that old lady looked like she needed a hand crossing the street.

AdamSchefter He also picked up trash and found a lost dog while waiting for them to unlock the gates.

AdamSchefter Tebow’s posture perhaps straighter than ever before.

AdamSchefter Early arrival may have something to do with putting personalized welcome baskets in each teammate’s locker.

AdamSchefter Maybe it’s just the early morning light, but he also seemed to be… glowing. Dare I say angelic?

AdamSchefter Sack of apples in Tebow’s right hand reportedly for rookies and UFAs.

AdamSchefter Tebow’s athletic shorts worn precisely one-quarter inch ABOVE his waist. A pleasure to see.

AdamSchefter First order of Te-business: complete construction on team rectory.

AdamSchefter I’m told he talked one woman out of an abortion on the drive over.

AdamSchefter Two Broncos coaches confirm: “no chance in hell” Tebow starts a game this year.

Well well well, if it isn’t Tom Brady in a gingham suit (or seersucker, you can fight about it in the comments) and a wide-brimmed hat at the Kentucky Derby this weekend. PLUS stubble and Wayfarers and uncut hair? Why, he’s equal parts southern gentleman and urban hipster. He’s practically inviting us to judge his appearance — but don’t YOU fall into that trap. He’s just being Tom Brady: Troll Genius. When Brady wasn’t making fashion statements you hated this weekend, he was busy doing the following:

• Asking attractive southern belles if they’d gained weight.
• Bad-mouthing Robert E. Lee.
• “This is almost as exciting as a Big Ten football game!”
• Going up to Animal Kingdom after the race and saying, “Nice shoes, asshole.”
• Placing a thousand-dollar bet on every horse, because parading a winning ticket around is more gratifying than the money.
• “Louisville Slugger museum? Dude, you know they make aluminum bats now, right?”
• Telling football fans that he “totally gets” where NFL owners are coming from.
• “This is nothing. Last year Gisele and I attended the Dubai World Cup as personal guests of Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan.”
• Punching horses.
• Swerving on 31W to bait cops into pulling him over for DUI, then passing the Breathalyzer.
• Parking his car on the grass in front of the hotel. “What? I thought that’s what you do here.”
• Declining mint juleps by saying, “No thanks, I’m a scotch man.”
• Holding hands with a black woman.
• Holding hands with a man.
• “Seersucker? More like queersucker.”

By now you’ve probably seen the ESPN segment in which Tom Brady cries while recounting the story of being drafted in the sixth round in 2000 (video below, also at Deadspin). It’s anyone’s guess whether this is a genuinely emotional moment or part of super-troll master plan, but it’s certainly not an isolated case of tears. In a KSK EKSKLUSIVE, we’ve learned through sources that Tom Brady cries in countless scenarios:

• The latest Japanese earthquake
• Rory McIlroy’s back nine
• All of the attention being paid to Peyton Manning’s twins
• The Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercial
• Watching his favorite Borders closing up shop for the last time
• Haircuts
• Spiders
• Gay Penguins
• The end of FreeDarko
• Infomercials with fat people struggling to use antiquated exercise equipment
• Proposed cuts to Planned Parenthood
• Sunsets
• Excessive corkage fees
• Obese pets
• American flags
• Slow-motion replays of Wes Welker catches
• First signs of Gisele aging
• New York Times paywall
• The last ten minutes of Million Dollar Baby
• The first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan
  
• Those candy-caned-looking barber poles
  
• Three unopened text messages from Bridge
• Michigan football
• Steve Carell leaving “The Office”
• The dentist
• The English Patient
• Labor negotiations
• The lack of labor negotiations
• Whatever the hell is going on in Libya
• Seeing John Boehner cry
• ZooBorns.com
Super Bowl XLII

I’m sure we’ve forgotten a few. Yours in the comments.