Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, which is tremendous when coupled with the coinciding occurrence of Daylight Savings Time. That’s an extra hour to sleep off all the drinking de los muertes before preparing for a day of sports-related drinking. And we’re counting on Halloween to be good, knowing full well that Fox is preparing to unleash the goddamn Favre Cam on us the following day. Continuing what has become a yearly tradition for us, we’ve compiled a list of costumes for NFL figures. Do enjoy.

Wes Welker — Sandpaper

Julian Edelman — Slightly shittier version of whatever Welker’s costume is

Jim Mora Sr. — Robert Novak

Aaron Rodgers — Vampire goth

Jay Cutler — Goth vampire

Josh McDaniels — Nazi Belichick (will attend with Prince Harry)

Rex Ryan – A play sheet that simply reads “BLITZ” in huge letters.

Owen Schmitt — Stone Cold Steve Austin from Wrestlemania 13 (for 12th year in a row)

Ben Roethlisberger – Good Humor man (”SORRY I ATED ALL THE CHOCO TACOS.”)

Dan Snyder — Waring Hudsucker (the dead version)

Darren Sproles — Tinkerbell

James Harrison — James Harrison

Braylon Edwards — NOT LEBRON JAMES!

Brady Quinn — Harvey Milk

Redskins fans — Ravens fans

Eli Manning — “A cowboy! No, a fireman! No, an astronaut! No, a dinosaur!” “A firefighting space cowboy that also happens to be a dinosaur!”

JaMarcus Russell – Funny hat (actual costumes require too much effort)

Miles Austin — Baraka

Pierre Garcon — Waiter

Brett Favre — a kid

Peyton Manning — Billy Mays

Ed Reed — Hamburger Helper Glove

Peter King — Clint Eastwood (only to find out the Clint Eastwood costume is only available in New York and LA)

Peter King’s backup plan — A chemist

Marty B – Jason Whitlock

Jason Whitlock — An oozing pumpkin

Jeff Garcia — Certainly not Zorro!

Matt Schaub — Street clothes (so normal!)

Joey Porter — Huckleberry Hound

Limas Sweed — Basketball hoop

Chris Cooley — Jeff Reed

Jeff Reed — Naked

Philip Rivers — Balloon boy

William Gay — Doormat

Justin Fargas — Ghost pigeon

Tom Brady — Don Draper

LenDale White — Jose Cuervo

Calvin Johnson — Slutty Megatron

Darrius Heyward-Bey – Invisible man

Michael Crabtree — Darrius Heyward-Bey

As it just so happens, your weekly King eviscerator Drew Magary is unavailable today, so this PK-themed crossword puzzle will have to satisfy you until Drew’s MMQB breakdown drops tomorrow. We’ll post the answers in a few hours.

ACROSS

3. Most humane train
5. You should respect it
10. Land baron
12. Johnny Damon lookalike
13. Criminally melted candy
16. Extraneous urban asset
17. The perfect save
18. Alarming new fashion trend
19. Disturbing trend on I-95

DOWN

1. No room at the Inn?
2. Led NFL in smiles during 2008 season
4. Unknowable science
6. Crime committed by film companies
7. Favre?
8. Chain restaurant with coffee-flavored water
9. Ohio home of Toone P. Wiggins
11. Two wonderful?
14. Moniker for SI scribe Banks
15. Pre-ferred prefix
16. Car part, defined

p.s. Fuck you, Will Shortz.

As you’ve undoubtedly heard by now, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh is putting together a bid to purchase the St. Louis Rams in partnership Dave Checketts. Believe it or not, some people seem to think that this isn’t such a good thing. Countless writers have chimed in with their thoughts on why an overtly racist windbag might not be the best fit for the NFL, and now Reverend Al Sharpton is is on the case. The opinions at KSK are varied as to whether Limbaugh’s bid to become the NFL’s newest owner should be considered, so let’s break this down with a little point/counterpoint.

Point: It’s a free country so why shouldn’t he have an opportunity to own an NFL franchise? Besides, trying to block Limbaugh’s bid would just give him more crap to bitch about on the radio.

Counterpoint: In a league dominated by black players and with its own racial problems, this is exactly the kind of owner we can ill afford to have.

Counter-counterpoint: HOLY SHIT, look at the tits on Susan Sarandon’s daughter!

At least that’s something we can all agree on.

Have at it in the comments, but please try to keep it relatively civil.

Image

 
Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginatively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend….

#1 Marge Simpson in Playboy! I’m a little conflicted about this. Iwouldn’t think that she would ever go along with something as tawdry as this. But on the other hand, her jugs are as authentic as those of most the ladies in Playboy.

 
#2 Broncos-Patriots. The Belichick-McDaniels post-game encounter starts as a firm handshake, slowly becomes a tender embrace, then a passionate make-out session at midfield. SUPERAIDNOONEDENIESTHIS!!!

 
#3 On the other end of the love/war continuum, we can’t wait until the feuding Clinton Portis and Mike Sellers go toe-to-toe on the sidelines when the Redskins visit Charlotte Sunday. (Note to Portis: if you think Sellers wasn’t blocking for you before, what do think he’s going to do now that you hate each other?)

 
#4 Chad Ochocinco’s promised “Ricky Bobby” touchdown celebration in Baltimore. It becomes 50 percent less funny when Will Ferrell actually shows up to join in.

 
# 5 Spending quality time with the family on the couch, kicking back and watching the games.

Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

“Ze peanut ist ze only pure nut! Exterminate ze cashjews!”

Much has been made of the many eye-opening features at the new Cowboys Stadium, and rightly so. I thought we’d already seen everything the stadium had to offer, and then we were treated to the cage dancers. That development got us wondering what other features Jerry Jones tried to cram into the stadium. After a little bit of digging we managed to come up with a list of proposed stadium features that didn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.

- A four drink minimum

- Mirrored ceilings

- Cheerleader locker room cam

- Indoor coach firing squad

- Tower of Babel built to scale

- Massive throne for when God shows up to watch his team

- Shark tank dancers

- Marcus Dixon’s Super Fun Kids’ Playroom

- 18 hole golf course

- Monorail around concourse

- Oversized belt buckle concession stand

- Gun check

- Double wooden swinging doors in front of the tunnel

- Michael Irvin’s Barbershop

- A kick ass rear spoiler

- Swearing in of all club-level ticket holders as “Deputies”

- Pass defense

- Sideline hitching posts

- Baked potato bar

- Sarsaparilla vendors

- Mean dog on a chain in lieu of stadium security

- Hologram ushers

- Glory holes

- All you can eat pussy buffet

- On-site White House with shuttle access to special dirtier off-site White House

- Wade Phillips dunk tank

- Jason Garret’s dining club (closed to the public)

- “Shoot your own steak” barbecue pit/cattle corral

- Flozell Adams Brazilian Wax Salon

- Used cheerleader panties concession stand

Image via Flickr

(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)

Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!

Leon Washington: Yo.

Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?

Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.

Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.

Washington: Yup.

Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?

Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.

Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?

(door flies open)

Rex: HOW THE FUCK YOU GUYS DOIN?!

(swipes Sanchez’s PowerBar, takes bite, throws rest in the trash)

Everyone: Hey, Coach.

Rex: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t know I stumbled into THE PUSSY CONVENTION! I asked you all HOW THE FUCK YOU’RE DOIN’?!

(cranks GNR on the locker room stereo)

Everyone: HEY, COACH!

Rex: Okay. First order of the day: NICKNAMES. Sanchez, from now on your name is Chimichanga.

Sanchez: I thought my nickname was Dirty.

Rex: It’s both! YOU DIRTY FUCKING CHIMICHANGA! You get laid last night, son?

Sanchez: Well, I don’t wanna kiss and tell…

Rex: OH! OUR LITTLE ROOKIE GOT HIMSELF SOME SWEET NOOKIE!

(gives Sanchez noogie)

(farts)

Washington, your nickname is Tiny, because you’re fucking small. Keller, your nickname is Pussymangler. Ferguson, your nickname is Da Brick. And I got a special nickname for our opponent this week: FAGGOTS! YOU’RE PLAYING THE NEW ENGLAND FAGGOTS!

Sanchez: What’s the game plan, Coach?

Rex: Well son, we’re gonna go six DB’s against these guys. We’re gonna sit back, force them to drive down the field. We’re gonna lay off the blitz, and we’re go with straight umbrella coverage.

Sanchez: Really?

Rex: Nah. I was just fuckin’ was ya. WE’RE GONNA FUCKING MUTILATE THOSE FUCKERS! KILLLLLLLLL!!!!!

(everyone cheers)

Rex: We’re blitzing every play! I’m bringing the house, boys. Actually, FUCK THE HOUSE. WE’RE BRINGING THE WHOLE GODDAMN BLOCK. You’re blitzing too, Dirty Chimichanga!

Sanchez: But I play offense.

Rex: WHO GIVES A JUMPING FUCK? I want EVERY GODDAMN PLAYER ON THIS SQUAD READY TO FUCKING KILL!

(hands out bayonets)

(straps Belichick dummy to tackling sled)

LET’S GO. FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL IT!

(everyone stabs it)

Good. That’s good fucking work, boys! Next order of business: Bounties! Any you fellas know this Adalius Thomas? $50 TO THE MAN WHO FUCKS HIS SISTER AND BRINGS ME A SNAPSHOT OF HER NAKED! Everyone who doesn’t is fined $1,000. You guys! I’m so fucking jazzed for this game. WE’RE GONNA RAPE ‘EM! AND THEN WE’RE GOIN’ TUBING!

Sanchez: Snow tubing or water tubing?

Rex: PUSSY TUBING! Next order of business: Brady’s knee. Now, that fucking dipshit was wearing a brace last night. Keller, I want you to sneak into Brady’s hotel room the night before the game and carefully remove the screws from that brace.

Keller: Uh, isn’t that illegal?

Rex: Goddamn right it is. THAT’S THE BEST PART! Tear that asshole’s leg in half and I’m taking all of you out for STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS!

(everyone cheers)

Next order of business: Shit talking. MANGOLD, I saw a picture of your sister on the COMPUNET! There’s a woman who could take a punch! HEY DA BRICK! How many a these sausage patties you think I can eat in five minutes? YOU WANNA THROW DOWN? Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!

Sanchez: Coach, can we have story time today?

Rex: Maybe later in the week. Right now, I have to call this 49-year-old skank I know to show up at Belichick’s door the night of the game and suck that man’s cold white dick! BUT NOT BEFORE I GET A TASTE OF HER!

(everyone cheers)

Men, lemme tell you something. Everyone’s calling us underdogs on Sunday. Well, THERE ARE NO FUCKING UNDERDOGS IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS AND AFTER WE DISMEMBER THESE FUCKERS WE’RE ALL GOING ICE FISHING. WE’RE GONNA KILL, FUCK, AND DRINK. THAT’S HOW A REX FUCKING RYAN TEAM OPERATES. YOU THINK I’M GONNA GET OUTCOACHED BY SOME HERMIT IN A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT? FUCK THAT TEAM, FUCK THEIR FAMILIES, AND FUCK THE WORLD. ARE YOU WITH ME?!

Everyone: YES!

Rex: GIMME A FUCKING HELL YEAH!

Everyone: FUCKING HELL YEAH!

Rex: Jesus, I’ve got to take a monster shit!

(tucks box of donuts under arm, walks to bathroom)

Sanchez: I love that man.

 
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!

He’s got a thing for blond moms, and she needs a man in her life who can domineer her for a change. Bill will stick it out as long as it takes for him to stick it in, assuming of course that none of the children make eye contact with him. Ever.

He’s mopey malcontent and her ego has been known to annoy the shit out of her coworkers. They might as well hook up, because nobody else can seem to stand their presence for extended periods of time.

He loves to party and has been known to skank it up for the cameras, and she’s exactly the same in every conceivable way. It’s science.

Submit your own dream NFL/Celeb couples in the comments.

This afternoon we have another edition of the sporadic “Inside a Tailgate” series. It’s a feature that gives you insight into some of the goings-on with fans around the league. And it gives us a chance to count a YouTube video as a post. Nice.

00:01 – Chubs tells “Reggie Wane” that he will handle the introduction duties. I’ve just seen this guy, but I have always been able to make snap judgments about people. I predict this guy will open his introduction with some Proust before making a dry self-deprecating observation on the human condition. That, or quoting Stone Cold Steve Austin. It could go either way.

0:03 – Hitch up you sweatpants, Bulbous Fett.

0:08 – Waiting for his cue… Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy here is used to working with professionals. Give his ass a countdown, you clod.

0:10 – “HEY! WE’RE COLTS FANS!” This is your brilliant introduction? This is the least expository introduction in the history of introducing stuff. Christ, this thing is already going downhill.

0:16 – Now he introduces Shawne Merriman, “defensive player for the Chargers”. Dude, if we don’t already know who he is, your impression is kind of pointless.

0:20 – This guy seems to shortchanging Merriman’s surname by a full syllable– pronouncing it ‘Merman’. It seems they fear this Mer-Man and thinks he intends to drag them before King Poseidon and his briny palace in Atlantis.

0:24 – Two days later, he moaned and flopped in precisely the same manner when the EMT administered the defibrillator.

0:31 – “RETARD….OUT!” He says it like that’s his end communication signal.

0:36 – At first I thought it was a novelty helmet, merely festooning his head whimsically before the big game. I know realize he is living with a serious head injury and that thing is a medical necessity under doctor’s orders.