After a painstaking process of pulling random names out of our ass (ASS DON’T LIE) and briefly scanning stats to make sure players weren’t better than we remember, we here at KSK have produced the definitive list of the most average NFL players ever. Never mind that entire generations of players aren’t represented. THEY WERE JUST TOO GOOD BACK THEN. Anyway, feel free to argue and complain, as we’re likely wrong about most of these. It’s not like anyone is going to prove us wrong, unless Football Outsiders runs the numbers and calculates which players hewed most closely to replacement level for the longest, in which case someone will actually have proved us wrong. Until at that time, this will have to do.
Also worth nothing: we’re aware some of these players were named to a Pro Bowl. We’re confident that that Pro Bowl season is surrounded by enough mediocrity or meager production for their career to be considered quintessentially average on the whole. We’re not disqualifying a cornerback from the list just because of a statistical aberration that caused them to make the Pro Bowl for having eight picks one year just because the ball bounced their way or quarterbacks repeatedly threw on them. So there! And now, the list!
In a show of force by new head coach Greg Schiano, who seems eager to prove that he’s a true Belichick disciple, the Buccaneers will either trade or release tight end/soldier Kellen Winslow because he skipped the start of the team’s “voluntary” OTAs. More damning to us is that the week before Winslow had been DJing in Vegas and saying things like “Creed was awesome.”
Such laxity will not stand in the Schiano regime, for the new coach wants what he calls “Buccaneer Men”. That’s less a team philosophy than it is a name for the worst musical ever. But what qualities comprise a Buccaneer Man? Flamboyant ones, no doubt. We turned to one of those swashbuckling, seafaring types for insight:
What’s Jimmy Clausen up to these days, besides being the Panthers worst case scenario if Cam Newton goes down? Being shockingly dissatisfied by the quality of a Supercuts and ranting about it on Twitter, of course. What else? The former Notre Dame douchelord/Peter King-anointed most pro-ready QB ever discovered that when you skimp on paying up a haircut, you end up with the less than perfectly frosted tips that you’ve come to expect. It’s okay, though. Supercuts “guarantees” their work, so the next butchering is on the house.
All too appropriate that Brady Quinn started giving Clausen a hard time, only for Jimmy to explain that he was out eating somewhere, spotted the Supercuts and decided to go for it. Total #YOLO move, brah.
Overheard at the Supercuts:
“More dye! How else can I show off my sixteen high school rings?”
“That kid got a balloon! I want a balloon!”
“If I didn’t want coconut-scented conditioner I wouldn’t have come to the place I saw advertised on the side of a bus.”
“Why do I have to take my sunglasses off? Can’t you go around them? Didn’t you learn anything at barber college?”
“I don’t mind waiting five minutes, but can you please find some magazines that mention me? Try Street and Smith’s 2007 College Football Preview.”
“I’m not wearing that stupid smock. And if you get one hair on my shirt I’ll rip you a new asshole on Twitter.”
The 49ers had been fighting to get a new stadium to replace drafty, MNF blackout-prone Candlestick Park for pretty much forever. Last month, the team finally got a site approved in Santa Clara for a stadium to be built by the 2014 season. So now comes the usual messy business of approving designs and dealing with cost overruns. It’s a shame they don’t have Peter King’s architect quarterbacks, Eli Manning and Andrew Luck, to take the lead on this. Anyway, people are flipping out because the cost has ballooned to $1.2 billion, with the odd side item that $50 million has been budgeted into the project for technology that doesn’t even exist yet. Makes sense, as the Niners home market includes Silicon Valley and fans are gonna need a place that accommodates the next eight generations of the iPad.
But what other technological marvels could be on the way? While media reports are vague on the matter, we pressed our many well-placed sources to clue us in on what’s to come.
Automated clapping hands
Raiders fan vaporizers – fatal sense
49ers fan vaporizers – fun sense
RG IX
Joe Montana instant cloning device
Seat warmers
Seat coolers
Seat temperature maintainers
Robo-ushers
Holographic seat fillers
Breathalyzer activated in-seat beer taps
In-seat zoom lenses focused on cheerleaders
Suicide machines
Hand enlarging ray for Alex Smith
Teleportation stations to beat the traffic
Really massive grow light
Stadium generator powered by pretentious farts
Urinals that track personal information from your pee
Glowing on-field first down lines that are only a little toxic
Dubstep DJ available to be peed on in every restroom
Dippin’ Dots: the ice cream of the future
With the Rams looking to deal the second pick and a slew of teams interested in moving up to get RGIII, the time is ripe for smokescreens, each more deceptive and misleading than the last. Still, the consensus is that the Browns and the Redskins are the two major players if a deal is gonna get made. Not so fast, reports FoxSports.com’s John Czarnecki, as it appears the Browns are now showing signs of disinterest in trading for the quarterback because “One of the problems is that Mike ‘Big Show’ Holmgren has never really done a trade of this magnitude and, two, his coaching staff remains confused on what to do with RGIII.”
Sure, that statement sounds ridiculous on its face, but these overheard comments in Browns team headquarters that were passed on to us should shed some light on their quandary:
“How do I turn him on? Is there a switch in the back or something? How many batteries does he require?”
“Do we play him at cornerback?”
“Can he handle clerical work? We do need office interns.”
“He’s really funny. Maybe there’s something we can do with that? Do we have a mascot or something?”
“He ran a 4.4? Remind me, how sure are we that he doesn’t kill dogs?”
“He’s a stick shift! I CAN’T DRIVE A STICK SHIFT.”
“Is it worth getting the HDMI cable for him?”
“Would he benefit from a staph infection of some sort?”
“Yeah, he’s got all of these newfangled features. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to slog through that user’s manual.”
“Do we use the whole grain mustard on him? Is that how you’re supposed to eat him?”
“What’s his Wifi password?”
“He can’t record three shows at once? Well then, he’s no good for my man cave.”
“Why won’t his clock stop flashing 12:00?”
“If he’s 3D, great, but I’m not wearing any stupid goggles to watch him.”
Sports Illustrated’s Don Banks (DONNIE BRASCO!) yesterday dropped the nuggetbomb that Peyton Manning had a previously undisclosed fourth surgical procedure on his NeckAIDs during the lockout last year, and that the always cryptic, always whispering “league sources” believe that Peyton has developed bones spurs in his neck that will require additional surgery at some point in the future. At KSK, we know for every hidden secret that is revealed, especially when it comes to the cagey House of Manning, there are potentially dozens more waiting to be discovered. We’ll save you and SI some time and list them here:
Snaggletooth
Secret third testicle
Shy bladder
Wooden leg with kickstand
Actual battleship lodged in forehead
Can’t taste sour
Horn that is ugly even for a Manning
Spina trifida
Those parasites that made Fry smart in Futurama.
Prostate the size of a honeydew
Papaphobia (fear of the Pope)
Non-partum depression
Uncontrollable flow of breast milk
Faulty circuitry
Darren Rovell is the worst. We can all agree on that, right?
If you’re still unsure, try following him on Twitter for a week. Or, for the sake of your sanity, simply click on the handy “Darren Rovell” tag on Uproxx. The most recent post you’ll see is video of Rovell getting down on one knee to Kate Upton if she’ll be his valentine. She rejects him, because she is the best, and the rest is awkward television history. The video is good, but we have some ideas on how it could have reached that elusive next level.
• “Sorry, I need my Valentine to have more Twitter followers than I do.”
• An appearance by Piotor the CNBC karate bear.
• “No. I’m a teenager and you’re the creepy guy who follows me around at industry parties.”
• A detailed analysis of how much income the SI Swimsuit issue generates for the swimsuit industry. (not really)
• Upton rejecting his proposal in a tweet and misspelling his handle.
• A pregnant Mrs. Rovell showing up with divorce papers and Maury Povich, who tells Rovell that the kid isn’t his.
• A scroll on the bottom of the screen announcing Rovell’s plummeting Klout score.
• Viewers find Upton’s unapproachability to be off-putting. Sales of SoBe Lifewater plummet, throwing the economy into a tailspin, putting several more millions out of work. Unemployed pitchfork mob takes out frustrations on Rovell.
• Upton unfollows Rovell. Rovell goes into an expletive-laced tirade as CNBC cuts to commercial. They come back from commercial to apologize and inform the horrified audience that Rovell has been fired.
Our excitement over the fallout from the Super Bowl has plateaued, with the only items of note today being Brandon Jacobs telling Gisele to shut up, Kurt Warner stoking tedious “Is Eli a Hall of Famer yet?” discussions and Greg Jones’ mom appearing less than thrilled about her son’s on-field proposal to this white woman. While we wait a few days before the Bucs decide to already fire Greg Schiano, we’re left to make more fun of our own, preferably at the expense of our favorite anti-football poetry enthusiast, Peter King. Watching Super Bowl postgame interviews, I noticed PK shoehorning himself in the camera shot like an everyday me-first GLORY BOY. At first, I wasn’t sure why I found the image funny, but then we realized that his bewildered expression lent itself well to Photoshops, and that was all the inspiration we needed. Laughable face, PK has it.
‘Shops after the jump. As always, you’re encouraged to add your own in the comments, whether you be an Elite 15er or not.
According to Philip Rivers, yesterday was the “worst day ever.” But aside from blowing a potential win for the second straight week, what had Marmalard feeling so down? Continue after the jump for an exclusive breakdown of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Every Halloween, the KSK staff joins together to eat candy and brainstorm creative costume ideas for notable NFL figures. Mostly though, we eat candy. God, I live a snack-size Butterfinger. The way it flattens out at the end, giving you a perfect entry bite into the crunchy peanut buttery goodness? So, so good. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Anyway, here is our list of costumes. By all means, add your in the comments. Here we go:
Andy Reid – Oogie Boogie from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”
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