Kissing Suzy Kolber » ksk group post

A Fat People’s History Of The Packers-Bears Rivalry

Christmas Ape — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 19:54:26 +0000

The Bears and Packers have played each other more times than any other two teams in NFL history, yet Sunday will be only the second time ever that the two have met in the postseason. Because most Americans have no concept of history uncovered by VH1 nostalgia shows, we felt it necessary to recap some of the more notable moments that have happened over the course of the rivalry. At least it’s more entertaining than the rivalry’s Wikipedia page. Unless it’s been hacked in hilarious fashion, in which case, no chance.

1919: Packers established. Town of Green Bay formed 30 years later.

1927: Curly Lambeau suspended after sending telegram to team seamstress Eunice Niemankurtz describing the size of his bed.

1934: Al Capone delivers special playbook to Coach Halas for the Bears offense, later revealed to be a tablet of 40 pages, completely blank.

1937: Bears defeat Packers, 3-0. Coach Halas receives death threats for “running up the score tally.”

1940: Sid Luckman creates forward pass– not popularized until 1944 when someone else invents “the catch.”

1940: Bears beat the Washington Redskins 73-0 in NFL championship game. No joke here, just trying to piss off Maj.

1941: Teams play each other in the playoffs for the first and heretofore only time, the week after Pearl Harbor. One coordinator is convicted of treason for calling a jap play.

1941-45: Due to labor shortage, Chicago fields teams consisting of actual bears.

1956: Lambeau Field opens. At the time, it was known as City Stadium. It was also briefly called New City Stadium and Father Bebbo’s House of Hoary Football Cliches, before being renamed for the late Mr. Lambeau.

1956: Bears and Packers tie, 21-21, as four people on the Soldier Field concourse are shot and killed by an intoxicated gunman. It is the first and only time the NFL has gone to a shootout.

1959: Sepia tone ban allows quarterbacks to distinguish team uniform colors. Interception rate drops dramatically.

1965: Gale Sayers scores 22 touchdowns, setting a record for rookies with a lady’s name.

1968: Game in Chicago decided by who can beat up the most DNC protesters.

1970: Brian Piccolo out with a lung.

1974: With both teams mired in down seasons, rivalry bragging rights determined by Midwestern self-effacing remark contest.

1983: Tundra not frozen. Packers forfeit home game.

1992-2007: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRE

1993: Packers make the playoffs for the first time in 11 years, finally allowing their fans to whip out the long mothballed response to the Super Bowl Shuffle: the Wild Card Waddle.

1997: Mark Chmura fondles a young Jay Cutler. Psychologists determine this has little effect on the future quarterback’s already dour demeanor.

2003: Soldier Field reopens after officials were finally able replace playing surface with even stronger concrete.

2005: The ’90s arrive in Green Bay.

2006: Nothing short of sheer hatred of the Packers forces the Bears purposely tank their chance at the Lombardi trophy. Halas trophy deemed superior.

2010: Bears mull a return of the Honey Bears, the squad of cheerleaders the team employed for only 10 years until 1985, but decide against it based on concerns for Cutler’s diabeetus.

What Really Happened in the Capital City Bar Women’s Bathroom?

Christmas Ape — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:11:52 +0000

The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

THE BEN WAS IN BAR. THEN BEN WAS IN DIFFERENT BAR. HAD GIRLS. HAD DRINKS. DEVIL SHIRT ON TO SHOW LADIES ELEMENT OF DANGER. LADIES LIKE.

ONE GIRL SING CARRY OKIE. SHE SAY SHE WANT BOOM BOOM POW WHILE LOOKING RIGHT AT THE BEN.

BEN THINK TO BENSELF THAT SHE PRETTY ENOUGH TO DROWN IN TOILET

THE BEN WANTED TO LOVE HER AND HUG HER AND PET HER…

GEORGIA PEACHES GOOD. SLOPPY BUT GOOD

THE BEN TELL GIRL HE IS INTO FOOTBALL, CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY. GIRL SAID SHE KNOW THE BEN FROM THE TV. BEN GET THAT A LOT.

GIRL LAUGH AND SAY SHE HAD TO DROP OFF CHOCO TACOS IN TOILET. BEN WAS EXCITED. THAT WAS WHERE THE BAR WAS HIDING CHOCO TACOS. HE WAS LOOKING ALL NIGHT.

GIRL CONFUSED ABOUT BEN IN BATHROOM. BEN SAID YOU SAID CHOCO TACOS IN HERE. YOU SAID THAT WAS JOKE. BEN SAID YOU NOT MAKE HARFS ABOUT CHOCO TACOS. THAT IS SERIOUS. SHE SAID SORRY, BUT THERE IS NO CHOCO TACO.

BEN GOT UPSET

BUT THEN BEN REMEMBER SOMETHING FUNNY FROM THE TV. SHOW CALLED FUNNY OR DIE. BEN DID NOT DIE, SO SHOW MUST BE FUNNY. BEN DO WHAT SHIRT DOES BECAUSE WHAT SHIRT DOES IS FUNNY.

SO BEN INNOCENT BECAUSE HE MADE COMEDY. EVERYONE SAY RAPE SERIOUS, BUT IF SERIOUS THEY WOULD NOT HAVE IT ON A FUNNY SHOW. BEN IS GOING ON WITH HIS OFF-SEASON NOW.

Playoff Scenarios Are Complex and Unknowable (Except to Us)

Christmas Ape — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:23:28 +0000

Now merely a week away from the start of the postseason, the hopes of many have been stoked, only so that they can soon be dashed to our everlasting cackling delight. While only two playoff berths remain to be secured, there can still be a good deal of movement among those assured to be alive past the first week of January (isn’t it so much less clunky when the regular season ends in December?). To help untangle the Gordian knot of playoff scenarios, we unpack how the events of Week 17 can impact those teams still in the running.

NFC

THE SAINTS HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE PROVIDED: Tom Benson remembers where he put the keys to the team bus when he sobers up.

THE EAGLES CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: God hates us.

AND

He wishes us ill.

AND

Flipadelphia poisons Dallas.

THE CARDINALS CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: They win and the Eagles lose.

They are this year’s Arizona.

THE VIKINGS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss at home.

THE COWBOYS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss on the road or possibly one at home.

SHOULD THE COWBOYS AND VIKINGS MEET IN THE FIRST ROUND: The winner will be determined by an advantage in two of the following three categories:

- Number of Favres on roster.

- Number of Romos on roster.

- Amount of players wearing dew-proof gloves.

THE PACKERS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT IF: They make this stop.

AFC

COLTS FANS WILL SPEND THEIR DEMANDED REFUND FROM LAST WEEK ON: Fries

WITH

Cheese

AND

Bacon

AND

Chili

AND

Beef

AND

Served on a pizza

WITH

The mushrooms removed

AND

Then comes the buffet

THE CHARGERS WILL SPEND THEIR BYE WEEK:

“MARVELING AT 3-D FLOAT TECHNOLOGY! GO SEE IT OR I’LL STICK THE BACK OF MY HEAD PENIS-BRAID WHERE THE DISTANT STAR SYSTEM DON’T SHINE!”

THE PATRIOTS SECURE THE THIRD SEED IF:

The Randy Moss costume requires less effort than being the actual Randy Moss.

THE BENGALS CAN TAKE THE THIRD SEED IF: “15 + 85 = 100 ways to be great” actually means something.

They find a McDonald’s on Revis Island.

THE JETS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They continue playing teams that only try for half the game (They are!)

Nacho agrees to look at the dump Rex Ryan just took.

THE RAVENS SECURE A WILD CARD BERTH IF: They continue whining about the refs.

AND

Someone actually cares.

THE JAGUARS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Unicorns frolic through Central Park

AND

Tom Arnold begins farting out rose petals

Jesus returns to Earth and has anal sex with a bear on Fox News.

THE BRONCOS CAN CLINCH A WILD CARD IF: Brandon Stokley hits another ref

Brandon Marshall slugs another woman

Kyle Orton drunkenly hits on a woman who really turns out to be a ref

THE TEXANS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They are located in Dallas and named the Cowboys.

THE STEELERS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Roger Goodell has anything to say about it.

THE DOLPHINS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Their couch feels like the playoffs on weed.

Have Aaron Schatz Calculate Who The Better Team Is!

Christmas Ape — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:21:10 +0000

The NFL’s competition committee, of which thankfully Matt Millen is no longer part, is taking a look at the always contentious overtime structure this week. We don’t much mind the way things are handled now, but there is some room for improvement. Here now are some wholesale alternatives or slight tweaks of the currents rules for determining the winner of a game that cannot be decided in regulation.

Best rape joke wins

Coin toss replaced by game of War.

Winner is the team Simmons gambled on (because that was the right play)

Victor determined by Cleatus the Robot

Final Jeopardy. And the category is Opera.

Teams have to climb the Aggro Crag

Have Peter King judge which team is the “clutchiest”

Mascots fight to the death

BEST FACKIN’ FANS WINS!

/Tommy’d

Hide-and-seek on stadium concourse.

Quarterback pie eating contest

Red Rover exclusively with special teams players

Overtime decided by Madden simulation

Head Coach vs. Head Coach in a 100 yard dash

Cheerleader Jell-0 wrestling (Giants and Steelers lose automatically)

Most Super Bowl titles wins (Steelers win automatically!)

11-on-11 dodgeball

Roshambo for it

Breathalyzer challenge: both teams are supplied with a case of booze, first team to have a player blow a .2 wins

Winner of coin flip can choose a victory or what’s in the mystery box

Adopt all college overtime rules, minus whatever is deemed “too gay” by Roger Goodell

First team to score six points

The KSK Running Back Tandem Nickname Generator

Christmas Ape — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:48:52 +0000

The Great White LenWhale decided to get in on the fun with T.O. and Antonio Bryant in the spree of complaining about what some guy said on TV. The Tennessee fatback took issue with NFL punditocracy terming DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart “Smash and Dash” after their merciless reaming of the Buccaneers’ defense on Monday night. Hey, that’s his quasi-catchy appellation that fits on an early ’90s-style big head caricature shirt. To avoid further confusion, we’ve decided to get to nicknaming the other various running back tandems throughout the league. Of course, the Giants backfield already holds claim to Earth, Wind and Fire, and far be it from us to deny them going the Berman route with an R&B group from the ’70s. As for the rest, here y’go. You’re on your on as far as tracking down a street vendor that carries the shirts.

Tomlinson and Sproles — “Hurt & Squirt”
McClane and Rice — “5.95 at the Chef Chen’s”
Portis and Betts — “Bitch and Bench”
Jamaal Charles & Larry Johnson – “Grit ‘n’ Spit”
Julius Jones and Maurice Morris — “Mohawk and Cravecock”
James & Hightower — “Edge ‘n’ Sledge”
Westbrook and Buckhalter – “Questionable & Doubtful”
Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris — “Dink & Dunk”
Matt Forte and Kevin Jones — “Forte & Shit-tay”
Parker and Moore — “Willwelde”
Thomas Jones and Leon Washington “WHO DO I START IN FANTASY?”
Adrian and Chester — “Jesus & Vulture”
Taylor and Jones-Drew — “M.J.D. & O.L.D.”
Earnest Graham and Caddilac — “MCL & ACL”
______ & _______ — “Whoever Shanny Claims off the Waiver Wire”
Jerome Harrison & Jamal Lewis — “Wheelin’ & Dealin’”
Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams — “Brown & Green”
Marion & Felix — “Sounds like two gay geriatrics”

And, hey, why stop with running backs!

Ray Lewis and Bart Scott — “Stab and Stabbier”
Fitzy and Boldin — “Crackers & Bolts”
Westbrook and McNabb — “Juke & Puke”

Feel free to add more and the comments.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

KSK Jokekkake: Cope’s Comet

Christmas Ape — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 20:54:23 +0000

Late breaking news today that 7835 Myroncope, an asteroid located between Mars and Jupiter, has been named for the late Steelers broadcaster. Because the Steelers are endlessly mockable and because we need to pass the rest of the afternoon, we served up an array of astronomical gags. The asteroid is occasionally referred to as a comet, because we don’t know the difference between the two.

That asteroid is six months younger than Rooney

The asteroid is about three miles wide and 88 million miles from Earth. It cannot be seen by the naked eye, making it slightly less desolate than Pittsburgh.

It’s surface used to be covered in grass, but now it’s mostly just sloppy frozen mud.

Hines calls it an Ass Loid

The asteroid is expected to slide right into Alan Faneca’s roster spot

Even from the comet you could tell James Harrison was held in the 4th quarter of the Jaguars game

It’s not expected to collide with the Earth, thereby not ending the world or affecting any Steelers games. Pittsburghers call it the Terrible Asteroid.

The Steelers launch a missile at it containing explosives, Anthony Smith and Sean Mahan

The comet almost collides with the Earth but gets pulled into Casey Hampton’s gravitational field

Like an attractive Steeler fan, it only comes along once every 76 years.

The asteroid took a cheapshot at Carson Palmer’s knee.

Jeff Reed wants to fuck it

Principal Skinner is pissed about the snub.

Greg Lloyd is asking it for money.

nepatriotsdraft.com still thinks the comet has less celestial impact than Wes Welker.

Cedrick Wilson’s fiancee is holding the asteroid hostage

Everybody thinks the asteroid looks like Omar Epps

Like Willie Parker, it isn’t anywhere near as fucking fast as we was promised.

MDS can see the positives and negatives of having a comet named after your deceased announcer.

Troy Polamalu won’t stop praying to the damn thing.

Know who also leaves a comet tail? A Steeler fan with no legs who can’t get to the bathroom in time.

The asteroid hits harder than Daniel Sepulveda.

The extraterrestrial residents near 7835 Myroncope want the Steelers to win “one for the lower dorsal flange.”

Mike Florio is reporting that the asteroid is dead.

The comet tail is almost as long as Santonio’s dick.

It’s actually easier to find a job on that comet than in Pittsburgh.

Got any more after that joke shower? Let’s have ‘em in the comments.