The Bears and Packers have played each other more times than any other two teams in NFL history, yet Sunday will be only the second time ever that the two have met in the postseason. Because most Americans have no concept of history uncovered by VH1 nostalgia shows, we felt it necessary to recap some of the more notable moments that have happened over the course of the rivalry. At least it’s more entertaining than the rivalry’s Wikipedia page. Unless it’s been hacked in hilarious fashion, in which case, no chance.

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The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

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Now merely a week away from the start of the postseason, the hopes of many have been stoked, only so that they can soon be dashed to our everlasting cackling delight. While only two playoff berths remain to be secured, there can still be a good deal of movement among those assured to be alive past the first week of January (isn’t it so much less clunky when the regular season ends in December?). To help untangle the Gordian knot of playoff scenarios, we unpack how the events of Week 17 can impact those teams still in the running.

NFC

THE SAINTS HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE PROVIDED: Tom Benson remembers where he put the keys to the team bus when he sobers up.

THE EAGLES CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: God hates us.

AND

He wishes us ill.

AND

Flipadelphia poisons Dallas.

THE CARDINALS CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: They win and the Eagles lose.

OR

They are this year’s Arizona.

THE VIKINGS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss at home.

THE COWBOYS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss on the road or possibly one at home.

SHOULD THE COWBOYS AND VIKINGS MEET IN THE FIRST ROUND: The winner will be determined by an advantage in two of the following three categories:

- Number of Favres on roster.

- Number of Romos on roster.

- Amount of players wearing dew-proof gloves.

THE PACKERS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT IF: They make this stop.

AFC

COLTS FANS WILL SPEND THEIR DEMANDED REFUND FROM LAST WEEK ON: Fries

WITH

Cheese

AND

Bacon

AND

Chili

AND

Beef

AND

Served on a pizza

WITH

The mushrooms removed

AND

Then comes the buffet

THE CHARGERS WILL SPEND THEIR BYE WEEK:

“MARVELING AT 3-D FLOAT TECHNOLOGY! GO SEE IT OR I’LL STICK THE BACK OF MY HEAD PENIS-BRAID WHERE THE DISTANT STAR SYSTEM DON’T SHINE!”

THE PATRIOTS SECURE THE THIRD SEED IF:

The Randy Moss costume requires less effort than being the actual Randy Moss.

THE BENGALS CAN TAKE THE THIRD SEED IF: “15 + 85 = 100 ways to be great” actually means something.

OR

They find a McDonald’s on Revis Island.

THE JETS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They continue playing teams that only try for half the game (They are!)

OR

Nacho agrees to look at the dump Rex Ryan just took.

THE RAVENS SECURE A WILD CARD BERTH IF: They continue whining about the refs.

AND

Someone actually cares.

THE JAGUARS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Unicorns frolic through Central Park

AND

Tom Arnold begins farting out rose petals

OR

Jesus returns to Earth and has anal sex with a bear on Fox News.

THE BRONCOS CAN CLINCH A WILD CARD IF: Brandon Stokley hits another ref

OR

Brandon Marshall slugs another woman

OR

Kyle Orton drunkenly hits on a woman who really turns out to be a ref

THE TEXANS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They are located in Dallas and named the Cowboys.

THE STEELERS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Roger Goodell has anything to say about it.

THE DOLPHINS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Their couch feels like the playoffs on weed.

The NFL’s competition committee, of which thankfully Matt Millen is no longer part, is taking a look at the always contentious overtime structure this week. We don’t much mind the way things are handled now, but there is some room for improvement. Here now are some wholesale alternatives or slight tweaks of the currents rules for determining the winner of a game that cannot be decided in regulation.

Best rape joke wins

The Great White LenWhale decided to get in on the fun with T.O. and Antonio Bryant in the spree of complaining about what some guy said on TV. The Tennessee fatback took issue with NFL punditocracy terming DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart “Smash and Dash” after their merciless reaming of the Buccaneers’ defense on Monday night. Hey, that’s his quasi-catchy appellation that fits on an early ’90s-style big head caricature shirt. To avoid further confusion, we’ve decided to get to nicknaming the other various running back tandems throughout the league. Of course, the Giants backfield already holds claim to Earth, Wind and Fire, and far be it from us to deny them going the Berman route with an R&B group from the ’70s. As for the rest, here y’go. You’re on your on as far as tracking down a street vendor that carries the shirts.

Tomlinson and Sproles — “Hurt & Squirt”
McClane and Rice — “5.95 at the Chef Chen’s”
Portis and Betts — “Bitch and Bench”
Jamaal Charles & Larry Johnson – “Grit ‘n’ Spit”
Julius Jones and Maurice Morris — “Mohawk and Cravecock”
James & Hightower — “Edge ‘n’ Sledge”
Westbrook and Buckhalter – “Questionable & Doubtful”
Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris — “Dink & Dunk”
Matt Forte and Kevin Jones — “Forte & Shit-tay”
Parker and Moore — “Willwelde”
Thomas Jones and Leon Washington “WHO DO I START IN FANTASY?”
Adrian and Chester — “Jesus & Vulture”
Taylor and Jones-Drew — “M.J.D. & O.L.D.”
Earnest Graham and Caddilac — “MCL & ACL”
______ & _______ — “Whoever Shanny Claims off the Waiver Wire”
Jerome Harrison & Jamal Lewis — “Wheelin’ & Dealin’”
Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams — “Brown & Green”
Marion & Felix — “Sounds like two gay geriatrics”

And, hey, why stop with running backs!

Ray Lewis and Bart Scott — “Stab and Stabbier”
Fitzy and Boldin — “Crackers & Bolts”
Westbrook and McNabb — “Juke & Puke”

Feel free to add more and the comments.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Late breaking news today that 7835 Myroncope, an asteroid located between Mars and Jupiter, has been named for the late Steelers broadcaster. Because the Steelers are endlessly mockable and because we need to pass the rest of the afternoon, we served up an array of astronomical gags. The asteroid is occasionally referred to as a comet, because we don’t know the difference between the two.

That asteroid is six months younger than Rooney

It’s actually easier to find a job on that comet than in Pittsburgh.

Got any more after that joke shower? Let’s have ‘em in the comments.