KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag Reminder. It’s that time of the week once again, so send in your football and sex questions for the Mailbag between now and tomorrow morning to kissingsuzykolber-at-gmail-dot-com. If you need to know who your team should draft and are looking for advice on how to mount your sister-in-law without the rest of the family being any the wiser then we are pretty much your only hope. Well that and therapy, but I doubt that your average couch-monkey understands the 3-4 defense any better than we understand your bout with Cotard’s syndrome. Plus we don’t charge $150 for an hour that only really lasts 50 minutes (don’t think we’re not on to you, Dr. Monroe!).

Welcome to another enlightening edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such topics as bi love triangles, a Rachel Maddow fetish, foodie blowjobs, and of course, the quest for anal.

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KSK: Say, Reader, do you like football?
Reader: Do I ever!
KSK: Do you like sex?
Reader: Yes, Mr. Blogger.
KSK: Well, why don’t you come over and talk about the game and then we’ll talk about sex.
Reader: KSK, I think you and I are going to get along just–
(They both trip in KSK’s driveway)
Reader and KSK: D’oh!

Email us your questions (and sexy comments) at kissingsuzykolber-at-gmail-dot-com

Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such sensitive issues as how to explain away that tape you made of your sister-in-law undressing, teaching your adolescent son the proper way to clean up after himself, pregnant sex, and of course, the quest for anal.

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Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll answer such sensitive questions as when to clean the pipes, what to do about a dog who wants to join the fun, and when it’s time to retire the spooge sock (Ed. note: Immediately).

(more…)

The KSK Football/Sex Advice Mailbag Returns Tomorrow. Hey, you! Captain Limpdick! Need sound sexual advice from six convicted misdemeanor blowjob solicitors? Or care to just chat about what a cockbag Carl Peterson is? Then email us here for the glorious return of KSK Football/Sex Advice Mailbag. Be sure to include one question about the NFL, and one question about sex advice. Then we can all have a good laugh at your expense. The mailbag will continue into the offseason as well. Because Fordyce’s jokes work all year round.

It’s championship week in fantasy land (unless you’re me and your league decided to hold its title game in Week 15, and then you went and choked the championship away and now want to absolutely fucking die. I’m telling you. I am the Minnesota Vikings of fantasy football owners.). Not only that, it’s now the holidays, when loneliness and sexual frustration can often reach their peak, especially if you’re the kind of person that reads this site. That’s a lot of pressure coming at you from both angles. You want to win your league. You want to get laid. You could just drive yourself fucking crazy over all this… GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

You need a release. So before I even get to your questions this week, let me just dole out this one universal piece of holiday sex advice: Double your jerking. Don’t ask questions, just do it. If you jerk twice a day, go for four. If you jerk three times a day, jerk it up to a sixpack. I don’t care if you have to go to the bathroom at work four times in an hour to do it. I don’t care if you start tearing foreskin. Just get it done. You’ll feel better. Your mind will be clearer. You won’t feel so much pressure to go out there and have some awesome, party-filled, orgasmatastic Christmas break no one ever actually has.

It’s a fact: national per capita jerking levels rise at least 45% during the holiday season. You got football, relatives, and old high school friends swirling around you. You need some stability. You need a rock. An anchor. And there’s no better anchor than the one swinging between your legs. Some call it a penis. I call it my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Onto your questions. Got a query for next week? Email us here. Next week, we’ll be expanding to both questions regarding fantasy football and real football. And the mailbag will continue through the offseason. As always, points are awarded for brevity and sincerity. And, may I say, I think this is our finest batch of questions yet. You folks really brought your A-game this week. Kudos to you.

KSK,

-Al

This is difficult because Al here hasn’t specified exactly which country in Europe he’s going to (though I suspect Germany). Hitting on European women always varies by country. When I was in England, I found out with relative speed that some British women are ecstatic to hook up with American men, while most other British ladies won’t touch them even if their dicks were covered in steak and kidney pie. I heard porn star Jo Guest speak once (for real! It was a formal address and everything!), and she said she far preferred British men and would never date an American man. Fag hag.

Here’s a quick guide to hitting on European women by country. Keep in mind, I’ve only hooked up with one European woman in my lifetime, and everything I know about foreign chicks I learned by watching European Vacation.

England: Hit the DTM nightclub in Oxford. No self-respecting person goes within 100 feet of that place. But you likely have none, and can therefore expect an easy hookup with anyone on the dance floor within about seven seconds. Do not expect to be proud of yourself in the morning.

Italy: You’ll meet an incredibly striking beauty with kickass curves and ravishing brown eyes. She’ll make nice eyes at you. She’ll take you to the Tuscan countryside to meet her family. And it won’t be until you’ve invested five weeks of dating and learning Italian that you’ll discover she’s a devout Catholic who wouldn’t touch your dick even if the Pope told her to. Therefore, I suggest you try scoring with other American female tourists around town. Italy makes American women fat and horny.

Germany: Skip the beer halls. Hit the clubs. I can’t think of a less sexual place than a German beer hall. Except for maybe a German porn film set. An ICH LIEBE DER FUHRER shirt can’t hurt your chances either.

Switzerland: It’s well known that Swiss people aren’t actually human, but are in fact elaborately designed timepieces. So don’t bother hitting on women in Zurich. There are gears inside there your penis wants no part of.

Spain: I don’t know how you score with Spanish women, except that you will stay up far longer than you want to in the course of trying. Seriously, those people are like fucking vampires.

France: I’d make love to a crepe instead. Ever have one of those street crepes in France? With the sugar and the good butter? Holy shit.

Poland: Just tell her you’re a UN Vaginal Weapons Inspector.

Czech Republic: Ask locals for directions to Silvia Saint and/or Anita Blonde.

Scandanavia: Just show up. Those women will have sex with anyone. But the currency exchange will really hurt your wallet. 200 kroner for a beer? Who is the one getting fucked now?

Holland: Got $10 on you, and no fear of disease?

Start Rodgers. As I point out this week in the Jamboroo, Rodgers is the #2 overall scorer in fantasy football. In others words, he’s secretly kind of a stud.

Dear Sultans of Cock & Jock,
Pick one of the following for a flex spot:
donald driver
desean jackson
muhsin muhhamad
dominic rhodes

SN

This is a classic problem that condom makers often fail to address. Condoms often cause immediate flaccidity in many men. My first piece of advice comes from Dennis Miller. “I wear two condoms at all times. Then, when I go to fuck, I take one off and feel like a wild man.”

My other real advice, and this will sound odd, is to put it on while standing up. Don’t try and put it on while laying down. Or while kneeling on the bed. That always kills you. Get out of bed, stand up, admire how far you’re sticking out, and then cover it, as if you’re preparing it to go head to head with insurgents in a Basra firefight. I swear it makes a difference.

If Addai is out, start Rhodes. Otherwise, go with Jackson and hope he doesn’t spend any time at quarterback.

Gentlemen-

Also, with Christmas coming up, I need some help with gift-buying etiquette: if you’re trying to sleep with a girl, but know it’s highly unlikely to happen, do you splurge on the gift in hopes of gracious sex, or just not bother?

Don’t bother. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, therefore she never will. Take that gift money and go buy yourself a blowjob from a hooker on the point.

Start Rhodes if Addai is out. Otherwise, go with LenWhale unfortunately. Bench Bruce.

I have been married for almost eleven years, and after one child, she is hotter now and in better shape than when we first were married. Sadly, due to fatigue and exhaustion over both of us working and raising a child, I am getting as much action now as when I was in high school, which is to say barely any. As a result, I wind up hiding in our walk-in closet when nobody is around to toss one off. No biggie, except that I am not beating off to porn or the like, I have an image of my wife’s naked body in my mind. Yeah, she’s hot and in phenomenal shape, but I thought the point of beating off was to be stimulated by unobtainable women or situations. Is that normal, or do I need help?

Oh, and for my championship game this week, do I start Warner or Romo?

I’m pretty sure you qualify for some sort of sainthood or something with that story. The point of beating off is to get off. I don’t care what you have to think of to get there: your wife, other women, dogs, robots, whatever. It’s like eating a Reese’s peanut butter cup: there’s no wrong way to do it. Now go claim your husband of the year trophy.

Start my boy WARNER.

I work for a large corporation and I just started working here about 8 months ago. I met a girl at work that is pretty cute, big dark eyes, dark hair, large breasts, 5′ 2″, small ass. Anyways, we started hanging out while taking smoke breaks while at work. She has told me such interesting tidbits as “I get everything waxed” and “I didn’t do anything on Sunday, just made dinner for one.”

I assumed that these were subtle ways of telling me to ask her out, so I did. She takes two days to respond to me and when she finally does, she says no, she has other plans that she can’t break.

That means she doesn’t want to date you.

So I tell her that I’ll ask her out again.

Oh, that’s not a good idea.

She tells me about a week later that she decided she doesn’t want to date anyone at work.

“Anyone” means you specifically, I assure you.

Understandable. I told her we would still just be friends if she said no, to make her feel comfortable, but who really ever means that?

No one. She knows this.

Since then, she has asked me a couple of times to walk with her to the store or have a smoke, etc. Is she interested in me but might take more persuasion or does she just want to be friends for real? And do I bother being her friend or do I just start ignoring her?

King Crackhead

Ignore her. Gentlemen, if I have one piece of universal advice for you, it is this: DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN WHO DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Took me 30 years to figure that one out. Don’t fall into the same trap.

What a shitheap you have at RB. Flip a coin. You’re in a lose/lose-lose-lose-lose situation. Choice and Gore, if you need help being decisive.

Dear KISSING SUZY KOLBER,

Andy

Take the date. If a woman at your mom’s office is desperate enough to be set up with the son of one of her co-workers, that’s a green light. Your mom likely won’t annoy her at work about it. But she may annoy you forever afterwards. ”Why don’t you date that Margie Fishman again? She was so nice!” You’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of that.

Start Keller and the Jets.

My question concerns the curve of a penis. Can my method of masturbation (righty, lefty, underhand, side-arm, craps, rolling-down-a-car-window, etc.) influence the natural bend of my skeet-shooter? Or am I just stuck with whatever direction the Big Guy bestowed on my little guy? I guess this is a simple question of nature versus nurture. And if it’s nurture, which way should I be jerking this sucker for the best twat-tickling trajectory?

-Lloyd

I’m no doctor. But I’m quite sure a doctor would tell you your method of masturbating cannot permanently alter the shape of your penis. Unless you jerk off by sticking your dick in a Play Doh fun factory or something. Oooh, look! It’s a star log!

Your dick is what it is. Love your hook and jerk as you please.

Start Hill.

KSK,

As for football, who do I take out of Andre Johnson, Roddy White and TO? Actually, I don’t care. I just wanted to brag about how awesome my team is.

I’d let her bring up the idea of hooking up. No point in trying to force the issue with her, as she clearly wants to do it on her own terms. And, since you’re already caving by seeing her again, you may as well cave all the way if sex is what you’re looking for. Don’t cop an attitude with her. Surprise her by being gracious. Then, when you’re back at her place and just about ready to relive old sexual delights… BAM! Forearm shiver right to her sternum. She’ll never see it coming.

Start Johnson.

Love the site, you guys do a great job!

Sex: I just recently started dating again after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend. She was completely bare and I got spoiled by that goodness. Contrary to what I thought, I’m finding out that not all girls believe in all things Brazilian. How do I approach the topic and get them to keep it clean down there?

Shave or wax your own genitalia. When any new girl asks why you do it, tell her, “Oh my God, you don’t do it? OMIGOD IT FEELS INCREDIBLE! YOU GOTTA TRY IT!” You’ll be swimming in bald chipmunk by then.

Start Marmalard.

KSK-

Sincerely,
Hopefully a G richer come Tuesday

Ah, the ol’ Southern Titty Love. I call that “Tickling the blowhole.” But a lazy urbandictionary search turns up nothing.

And start Cassel, you crazy man.

So this girl I’ve been seeing recently mentioned something she read online that could “help us”. Naturally that scared the shit out of me, but really she was talking about how over a few weeks she could effectively turn off her gag reflex (while brushing her teeth or something) to give better head. The hitch is she’s effectively turning off her gag reflex so she could choke on food easily, and she’s already a klutz as is. Am I wrong to encourage her at this and risk her safety for my oral pleasure?

No you are not.

Fantasy, for the league title: two WR spots between Wayne @Jax, Colston @Det, and S.Moss@Phi, or should I just use the third in my flex spot over Chris Johnson against that Pitt D?

-Alf

Bench Moss. I hate the idea of benching Chris Johnson, but I guess the matchup mandates it.

hey homos,

big dave

Two hours! Are you insane? After 2 hours, you won’t have a dick left! That’s wasting valuable time, my friend. Get more efficient. It’s about the destination, not the journey.

Bench Coles. Start Cassel. If T-Jack can get 4 TD’s versus that Cardinals D…

What’s the easiest way to convince a girl that I don’t have an STD and it’s simply Fordyces, which isn’t bad or contagious. I’ve went as far as telling them to look it up online – not really helpful if you’re hooking up anywhere but her house or your house (and it still doesn’t convince them sometimes).

-name withheld

Well, let me just look up Fordyce’s on Wikipedia here and GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (NSFW) Holy shit. Why, Wikipedia? Why would you do that to me? Your dick looks like a goodamn SnoCap. Two words, my friend: blemish crème. Use all the makeup you can to convince ladies your dick doesn’t have chicken pox.

Seriously, though. I’d continue explaining to potential women your condition AND I would get a blood test that proves you’re STD-free. So you can whip it out if need be and say, “Look! I swear it’s true! Now give Bumpy here a big ol’ kiss.”

Tough call here. Start Ryan.

Until next week, gang.

Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such sensitive topics as the man-on-man massage and Michael Turner’s matchup with the Bucs.

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HERE’S YOUR WEEKLY REMINDER FOR FANTASY/SEX QUESTIONS: Send ‘em here. And, please, try a little harder than the tickledick who lobbed us this one yesterday: “put something funny in here. i just need to know who to start. delhomme, garcia, ryan, or collins, i get 2. this is the semis” Drew politely requests you start his cock.

We’ve got a full sack this week, so let’s get right into it. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s slap your questions on the ass and take the deep plunge.

Hey guys, I’m a college freshman and there is this guy that lives across the hall from me who enjoys having sex with his door open. How do I break the news to him that it’s a bad idea to leave the door open?

-Schuffalufagas

MAJ SAYS: Take pictures.

UFFORD SAYS: Walk in and take pictures.

THE ENTIRE WORLD SAYS: Take a fucking picture.

As for the fantasy question, if you have running back depth like that, do you really need our help? Jesus. Spin a wheel, you lucky dick.

I graduated from BU and just came across this in the news about a girl I tried to get with back in college, but she shot me down.

-D

How could you miss out on the sex if she shot you down before? You were never in position to get that crazy love to begin with. You’re lucky she didn’t shoot you down by quite literally shooting you down. My favorite quite from that article, by the way…

“She was a feisty girl, but I can’t imagine her stabbing someone . . . She just had a definite opinion about things.”

Yes, I’d say she’s rather fervent about her stances. Start Thigpen.

Dear KSK,

Thanks,
IRONMIKE

THE HOOK! We knew a kid in prep school who supposedly had a dick that was nearly at a right angle. He practically had to stand sideways in the stall. Anyway, if you’ve got The Hook, I’d recommend you see a penile orthodontist to have it straightened out, either with braces, or the little known Invisalign: Penile Edition. Failing that, the position I’d recommend for you is the Sideways Chubby Checker. Be sure to thrust your left hip only!

Bench Jackson.

KSK,

-S. Jaffe

Is your coworker Troy McClure? How does one fuck someone like a dolphin? Do you have to shriek like a deaf person during the act? Anyway, I’d go right ahead and let her buy the flippers and wetsuit. You know much a wetsuit costs? That’s good value. And if she wants you to feed her fish, or make sonar bleeps during intercourse, or ensnare her in some sort of tuna net, go for it. Sounds fun to me.

Start Cassel.

KSK,

-M

If she’s enthusiastic, I don’t think it should be all that hard to offer advice. If you’re just honest with her and say, “I love it when you do that, but I’d also kind of like it if you were to…” and then go into whatever you like: gravy blowjobs or whatever.

I wouldn’t keep Hines or LJ if it meant an extra draft pick. Otherwise, keep LJ, I guess.

Dir Sirs,

Thank you,
Mr. S

I don’t know any web-run fantasy league that would let you change your roster during game play, even if you ARE commissioner. But, if this is true, it is indeed diabolical. Obviously, she must be required to forfeit that week’s game. She also should be stripped of her commissioner status. As for marital punishment, some sort of hogtying is probably in order.

Dear KSK,

Jon G.

MAJ SAYS: The key is finding a casino where you can get a rub and tug from the pai gow dealer right at the table.

DREW SAYS: It’s not cheating if it’s with an Asian lady! Start Clayton.

Gay Mafia-
My girlfriend never seems to be in the mood to have sex at convenient times. She’s constantly exhausted at night (she’s in grad school) and wants to fall asleep as soon as she gets in bed, but she also hates staying in bed late in the morning. Which means virtually the only time she wants to have sex is in the middle of the day, which would be awesome if I didn’t work a normal 9-to-5 job. She often gets in the mood while we’re doing some inane errand during the weekends, which pisses me off because then I’m stuck buying window treatments at West Elm instead of at home having sex. How can I get her to want to have sex at a NORMAL FUCKING TIME, like when we’re in bed together at night?

Who should I start between Roethlisberger and Tyler Thigpen at QB, and Joseph Addai, Clinton Portis, Steve Slaton and Tim Hightower at 2 RB spots?

This is so beyond true. “Omigod, I wish you had been here at 2PM! I was sooooo horny!” Well, good for you, Missy. I was busy jacking it in the work toilet. Pay me a visit for lunch, dammit.

I’ve yet to find a solution for this. All I can tell you is that women are usually ready for lovin’ when they are at their most relaxed. So do everything in your power to make your lady feel relaxed at proper hours. Cook her dinner and have some red wine ready. Smoke some weed together. Nap together on the weekends and then do it when you wake up. That’s all I can offer. The classic conundrum. Stupid ladies. BE MORE TIMELY WITH YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS!

Start Thigpen, Portis, and Slaton.

Hey KSK,

Thanks,
McG

PUNTER SAYS: Pay her and put it on film. PS – Great job on “Charlie’s Angels”

Sit Gage.

Greetings, sage wizards of the bedroom and fantasy football field,

Flummoxed in Florida

I think you have to counter her bizarre role-playing with some of your own. If she dresses as a falcon, you dress as a Rubik’s Cube. If she dresses as a quadriplegic, you dress as a Nazi storm trooper. It’ll totally throw her off her game.

Start Romo.

Does having a threesome with asian girls really count as a threesome due to their small size compared to most women?

Pete

Ask them. They’d know the math. Start Ryan.

Over the weekend I took a girl to a bar to watch the Alabama/Auburn game. It was the first time we had done anything together and I basically had gotten her to go with me by lying to her and telling her I was a huge Alabama fan. Coincidently, my father is at the same bar. She gets super hammered as do I, and during her frequent trips to the bathroom my dad asks if I’m fucking her.

A Liar and a Pussy

My suggestion is that you get yourself a new dad. Jesus, what a pushy asshole. Flacco.

So I have a play-in game this week. I win, I make the league’s playoff. I have both McNabb & Rodgers. Both at times have been as useful as a bag of nipples. I really need to make the right choice here. Help a brother out!!

Notjustcheese
Phillipsburg, NJ

I’ll let Robert Evans handle this one. “Baby, if it feels good, do it! I remember back in 1978 when I was having a threesome with Linda Evans and Dusty Hoffman. Sexy? You bet? Racy? Oh, yes. Anyway, halfway through, Dusty decides to play the merry prankster and tickle my testicles. Well, damned if that wasn’t just the jumpstart ol’ Evans needed! Don’t let social mores stand in the way of you liking a tongue to the ol’ Midnight Cowboyhole!”

Start Rodgers.

Assuming Marion Barber is questionable/probably for Sunday’s game, is it worth the risk to start him? Le’Ron McClain is the o’ther op’tion.

Barry

This is a good question. Men, I find, prefer to do it with the lights on. You want to see that sex live as it happens. Why just feel it when you can take a mental snapshot for later use? I suggest you compromise and buy a dimmer switch for your place. It’s light AND it’s dark!

KSK,

-Fox

Guilt-free? Um, never?

Start Favre.

I’ve got Willis McGahee and Steven Jackson as my “feature” backs. Seems like it’s time to bench McGahee, if not cut him loose. Who out of my pack of injury/suspension reliant RBs should get the start in his spot this week: Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice or Cadillac?

ps – My 96 Camry is parked on a back alley every night that sees some traffic, so that’s out of the question. Kind of.

Whoa whoa whoa. A blowjob on a playground? I need more specifics there. Was it on the swing? Did you use a real swing as a sex swing? Or did you use the diaper swing? Did you sit on one end of the teeter totter? God, I never realized just how many sexual possibilities exist at playgrounds. No wonder that 50-year-old drifter is always hanging out at the one near my house! He must be taking notes for when he romances a lady!

Use the Camry or do it on the floor. The floor always makes less noise. And pick up Thomas.

Photo from reader CCP, who tried to convince one of the girls was his girlfriend. Sure, buddy. And my name’s Cock McLongington.