All it took was a little nudging and you readers responded with a bevy of questions for this week’s mailbag. Ufford is taking a break this week, but we received some pretty good questions this week. There’s even an update from everyone’s favorite truck drivin’ Asian lady.
With the fantasy season being over — sorry, I don’t consider the playoff fantasy challenges to be actual fantasy football — we didn’t get many queries this week. So let’s kick things off this week with some belated fantasy bitching. Namely, what is a fantasy manager to do if s/he GOES INTO A COMA before the league championship? Oh snap! Let’s find out:
We only got something like three or four submissions for the mailbag this week, so Christmas Ape was like, “Hey, should we do a mailbag reminder?” and I was all “HAIL NAW, it’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t feel like writing and formatting a 4000-word column.” So, we’re gonna make do.
Also, so there’s some transparency here, I finished up my fantasy season with both my teams making the playoffs. The ass-kicking team I had (a choice of Matt Schaub and Tom Brady at QB, MJD, Tony Gonzalez, late-round draft picks Percy Harvin and Jamaal Charles, and savvy pick-ups like Miles Austin) lost in the first round, while the middling team I put together finished third. I have now never NOT made the playoffs, but I’ve never finished better than third, either.
Kinda like my sex advice. Sure, I’ve made some regrettable decisions, but I’ve also slept with women I had no business seeing naked. I think it balances out, mostly. I’m not Nostradamus, but I’m consistent. Consistently slightly better than mediocre. Speaking of sex advice, we got a very handy New Year’s tip from the beloved Starter Wife this week:
Not sure if you guys are doing the FF / Sex Mailbag this week, but if you are – and if you are so inclined – an important safety message that you might be interested including in the post:
“According to the National Institute for Reproductive Health, sales for emergency contraception more than double in the first days after the New Year.“ (via Bitch Magazine)
The NIRH link includes a cute video of grandmas reading text messages not meant for them, and a link for Don’t Drop the Ball where you can sign up to send a text message reminder to your friends (or if you are a man with balls of steel, your conquests) for the morning after pill New Year’s Day.
Happy New Year!
I’ll say. A happy New Year is a non-impregnated one. Now on to your questions!
Hoo boy. It’s the semifinals of most fantasy playoffs, but I have a feeling the biggest topic of discussion today is going to be the various fluids produced by the female body. Try to guess which ones come up!
Who guessed period blood? Anyone? Well you’re wrong! There is NO period blood in this mailbag. Read on to find out which ones made the cut.
Welcome to another fun edition of the mailbag. Who cares if it says “No Swimming”? Let’s dive right in. Topless, preferably.
Alright, I have a question regarding your take on the use of certain words by women. As a man, I have an uncharacteristic ability to misinterpret the use of language by the opposite sex. That being said, in the past I’ve also found ways to end up being “just friends” with far too many girls. I mean, Ive whiffed at thigh high fast balls from sluts in my day, and whatever, they come and go. What my question is, what’s with girls using the word “dork”? I’m pretty sure at least 4 girls in the past month have said “you’re a dork” / “you’re silly”. what the hell does this mean?
So, the KSK sex advice/fantasy football mailbag is on the way later this afternoon, but we thought it necessary to spotlight the following submission separately. It’s too long for inclusion in the mailbag, but it would be a shame not to share it.
The mailbag this week is brought to you — belated, I know — by sadness and apathy. Not that I’ve ever been accused of giving out solid fantasy football advice before, but this past Sunday was a painful reminder that I’m very much an amateur. And hell, even if I weren’t an amateur, I’m confident that NFL players and coaches would still find a way to brutally destroy my fantasy football expectations.
I was supposed to write the mailbag last night, but then I got drunk on bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds, watched “Top Chef,” and went to bed a little before midnight. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to answer your questions in the quiet hours before dawn. Now that it’s well into the afternoon, I’m a goddamn zombie and that’s why you’re not getting any kind of sensible introduction here.
Featured below: a follow-up message from the gentleman whose girlfriend has the regrettable tattoo she’s ashamed of, the wonders of Ray Rice and Donald Driver, shtupping roommates and local barmaids, suicide pools, ex-lesbians, bald college poon, and the absolute worst drunken college experience possible. Enjoy.
Time again for the KSK sexbag, the weekly feature that combines flex positions and sex positions, PPRs and STDs, running back handcuffs and the ones you use on the freaky coworker.
This installment runs kind of long, as I compiled most of it during the World Series game last night and I find facing the choice between work and watching baseball really ramps up the productivity, so hooray for surplus mailbag content. If it’s still too much for you, there’s always a game of Steakhouse or Gay Bar. If you sent a question that didn’t get used, you either sent it too late or it wasn’t interesting enough. My condolences. Feel free to try again next week.
Topics tackled within: Porny appearance as false determinant of freakiness, how much a third wheel has to try to maintain an open marriage, presex masturbatory guidelines, animosity between wives and female drinking buddies, and spicy psycho Peruvian girls.
Wow. Some really great submissions this week. I would’ve loved to have gotten to every question, but I really do prefer to keep this shorter than a Gregg Easterbrook column. (Good Lord, could you imagine Easterbrook writing this column? (Sour Play of the Week No.2: When TMQ’s wife refused to lube the strap-on with hamburger grease.”)
Anyway, if you didn’t make the cut this week, please don’t hesitate to hit us up for next week’s column. We (I) prefer to receive mailbag submissions on Tuesday or Wednesday, as this unwieldy monster requires some thought and, occasionally, research. In the space below, we’ll address sex during pregnancy, midseason trades, mismatched sex drives, tattoo turn-offs, Catholic guilt, Marques Colston, and more. (People, do NOT ask us if you need to start Colston. Yes. Start him. Every week.)
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