Whew! We made it to April! That means it’s almost draft time! And once the draft comes and goes, we can finally kick off four months of speculation about which rookies will have an impact on fantasy football. WHEEEE!!!! …assuming, of course, that there isn’t a lockout that cancels an entire year of NFL football and possibly a season of “The League.”

But it’s also spring! Who needs football when women are wearing tank tops and sun dresses again! HOORAY TITTIES! Oh titties, how we’ve missed you. Don’t get us wrong, you look great in sweaters, but it’s so nice to see you breathing the fresh vernal air, exposed to sunshine and our loving, attentive eyeballs. Welcome back.

Of course, nobody wrote in about a lovely blossoming romance, because that would be way too easy for me. Let’s talk problems.

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I could easily introduce this mailbag with a rant against Valentine’s Day, but it’s been done countless times before in increasingly boring ways: invented by Hallmark, fake holiday, Steak and a Blowjob Day, St. Valentine doesn’t even have a romantic backstory, et cetera et cetera. So I’m against it, but that’s because I’m a romantic S.O.B. 365 days a year. Why should I have to step up my game and buy a gift just because other dudes are thoughtless slackers?

Anyway, on to your letters. As always, my apologies to those that didn’t make the cut.

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You have to admit, it's a pretty good price.

For most of us, this is the last week of the fantasy regular season. Woe be to those who drafted poorly or suffered rashes of injuries without wise waiver-wire pick-ups. Lucky for us, though, sex and relationship problems are a year-round thing. Let’s get into it.

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Today’s mailbag is bursting at the seams with lengthy-but-interesting submissions, so I thought I’d whet your appetite with this doozy of a story about mystery white trash neighbor blackout rape. I’ll do my best to interject as little as possible.

Arrrgh Cap’n,
Football: Playoffs are go, but my man Gore’s out and my other RBs are a jumbled mess. Forte (NE), Lynch (@SF), Goodson (ATL), and Starks (@DET): pick two.

My take…Forte’s a given I guess, though that gives me heartburn. I’m leaning Starks with the other one. But I’m guessing that’s because I snatched Starks up the day before his debut and implausible visions of Jerome Harrison are dancing in my head. But Lynch can’t be the right call (right? he’s awful against all non-Panther teams), and Goodson tweaked his shoulder again. And all three are likely splitting snaps, and the waiver wire’s barren. Straighten me out. By Saturday if possible.

Starks is a chic pick this week, but I’m not as high on him as everyone else is — despite his 18 carries last week, I just don’t think the run game is that much of a priority for the Packers. However, since Goodson and Lynch are both facing top-10 run defenses (Atlanta’s 8th, Niners are 10th), I’d have to recommend Starks on the strength of the matchup (Lions are 25th in run D).

Sex: OK this is fucked up. So, fair warning. I’ll be concise as I can but it’s complicated. (Post note: yep, it turned out long, even after I cut out some stuff. But hey – even if you can’t post it due to length, I swear it’s entertaining. Strippers. ‘Roids. Roofies. An unsolved mystery. Read on if you have time.)

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DEAL WITH IT.

Holy cow, what a crazy week for the NFL — and already a wild year for fantasy football. Randy Moss to Minnesota, Brett Favre’s penis (allegedly!), Marshawn Lynch to the Seahawks, white running backs everywhere, Christopher Ivory (who’s black) and Ladell Betts in the Saints backfield, someone named Max Hall starting at quarterback for the Cardinals this Sunday, and the Chiefs at 3-0 are the only undefeated team in the NFL. There’s barely enough time to think about sex.

Except there’s ALWAYS enough time to think about sex. Thanks to everyone who sent in such concise questions this week, and apologies to those who didn’t make the cut — even with the short questions, we’re still clocking in at about 5,500 words. Woooo-wee! And not a friend zone question in sight! Don’t get used to it or this mailbag’s gonna make you spoiled.

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Ufford is out this week, which means that you can forget about getting lectured on email length, or receiving any credible relationship advice. Ever notice that most of the people looking for advice aren’t really bad at something, but rather they’re just too afraid to try? Trying and failing is a big part of life, and it is an even bigger part of getting laid. The journey to a lady’s promised land begins with a single step. Unless you’re in a whorehouse in Thailand, and then it just begins with a single. And now, your emails, where I blow up on the first douchebag and do my best to exude benevolence upon all those who follow. Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t have much in the way of an introduction this week, so let’s take a brief detour to talk about KSK’s makeover that makes it a little less Blogspotty, and a little more Uproxxy:

If you have a problem with it, wait two days. You’ll forget that you never liked the old format in the first place.

On to your questions!

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Unlike one of our emailers, this guy didn’t meet his girlfriend at church.

I love you readers. You know that, right? I love you. I sincerely care about your problems, and I want to help. But, you know, sometimes you make it difficult. For example, when I explicitly state that a 700-word email is too long to print in the mailbag, that is NOT an invitation to submit a 1,283-word email. I simply can’t publish that. People’s eyes will glaze over. Even if you have some very sad circumstances and happen to be a disabled veteran, the only thing you accomplish with something that long is making me feel guilty for excluding your letter.

Please. Help me help you.

Anyway, this edition of the mailbag runs a mere 2796 words, which is a little thinner than some of you might like. That’s life for ya.

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Last week, I was surprised to learn that one reader in his mid-twenties had trouble getting and maintaining an erection. Well, that opened a door for other people with problems getting their dick hard, as you’ll see this week. Oh, and everyone who CAN get a boner on the regular can’t get laid. It’s a big bag of frustration this week!

But FIRST, let’s start with another patented KSK MAILBAG SUCCESS STORY:

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We only had three submissions for the mailbag this week. Instead of putting out the Batsignal for more questions, I put some more time and effort into the responses, so this week’s edition isn’t all that much shorter than the average ‘bag. I think it’s a nice change of pace to go more in-depth. Disagree? Too bad!

Despite the banner image (via RoboShark), this week’s mailbag does not have the TRUTH ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE. It does include, however, someone whose bazooka goes off too soon. And yeah, that’s a metaphor. If anyone out there has an actual bazooka, please write in. There aren’t enough explosions on this blog.

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