I was thinking about the internet today, you guys.

What an amazing collection of knowledge we have in front of us. Volumes and volumes of anything any person would ever want to learn in his or her lifetime. And what do we do? We search for our own names in search engines. We find our own locations on those GPS machines. And we stalk our friends on Facebook, especially the hot sexy people that are friends with our wives. Don’t act like you don’t do that either. The Great Masturbator In The Sky will know if you’re being truthful. Because he jacks it to your lies.

Anyway, let’s get to the mailbag. Caveman’s on vacation, which is kinda funny when you think about a caveman trying to get away from it all:

Good Sir Ufford,

Excuse me, but this is Footsteps Falco here. Please address me accordingly.

FF: First time playing, started a league. What would you consider a good draft order? I’m thinking:

And then I’m lost.

No sir. You were already lost when you were drafting a quarterback in the first round. Are you too good for a Jamaal Charles or a Ray Rice? A LeSean McCoy even? Are you too good to refer to these gentlemen with indefinite articles despite their being the only persons of their ilk? Your skills, good sir, would be better suited for the front office of the Miami Dolphins, who can’t ever seem to acquire a quarterback worth his salt. Feel free to inform them of your availability, and also feel free to list Gerald Dean “Footsteps” Falco as a reference on your resumé.

Sex: I’m college bound, my girlfriend is a junior in high school.

Is she 18? Better question: Would a judge believe me if I said she looked 18?

My college isn’t too terribly far, about a 2 hour drive, but I didn’t plan on a lot of trips home. While I’d love to get the full college experience of a different co-ed every night,

Ho ho! You and every other red-blooded male, my friend! Please…continue.

I’ve always been more of a girlfriend guy than one to hit it and quit it. She’s easily one of the coolest girls I’ve known, and she’d most likely be going to a nearby college in 2 years. What say you: keep the Middling Distance Relationship or start over new?
-MDR

I am reminded of the old Chinese proverb: He who drives for pussy wastes at least 3 of his nine lives. I think I read that in a fortune cookie someplace. Hey, have you ever noticed that some of the “fortunes” in those fortune cookies aren’t actual fortunes? Like if I crack open one of those suckers and it says “You are a wise and gentile soul” or some shit? That’s not a prognostication! That’s downright brown-nosing! What’s the dealio with that?

**********

Dear Caveman,

Dearest Falco, you mean.

Sex: I know you like brevity, so I’ll break it down quickly: I think this girl is spectacular.

Stick with her.

Glad we could help. Next!

I could go on, but it would end up resembling Louie’s confession to Pamela too much.

Oh, when you said “I could go on,” I didn’t realize that you were actually going to…uh…go on. And I don’t watch that Louie show. My wife finagled the parental controls for FX and she won’t give me the PIN for it. Damn V-Chips.

Naturally, she’s also in a secure, long-term relationship with a British dude who I have come to hate without meeting him.

Hey, I’m with you, buddy! Nobody hates the Brits more than I do! Except for maybe Paul Revere. I heard he once sodomized a gal from Sussex in 1781. I believe the battle cry was “One if by ass, two if by cooter.”

She’s a friend-of-a-friend, we hung out pretty frequently last summer and by the end confessed mutual interest, but nothing happened, she was only in town for a few months, and I haven’t seen her since. This fall, she’ll be moving back to my city, without the boyfriend.

/lights first lantern

I’ll completely understand if you want to take the moral fifth on this, and tell me to stop being an asshole or stop deluding myself.

Stop being an asshole! Stop…wait, what was the rest?

No question, that is the sensible answer that you ought to give and I am realistic about the likely results here. But I think at least the kommentariat will have enough evil bastards to produce a couple dastardly schemes to break up this relationship. Honestly it’s almost like a Kommenter Draft: “ways to wreck a home.” I’ll take anything from “go dancing and grind her” to “have the boyfriend killed.” Actually, let me revise: THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, SO LONG AS THAT LIMIT DOES NOT CARRY FELONY CHARGES.

You’ve obviously never raped a 14-year-old girl in a hot air balloon before.

Look here, friendo. If you think you stand a chance at being the Transcontinental Lolita, you have to take a few things into account. One: homewrecking is not enumerated in the Geneva Convention. And if I read your email correctly, these two aren’t even married! That’s gives Captain Peepee free reign in my book! And Two, if you can demonstrate more value to her in person than Nigel can via Skype, then you should give her a declaration of independence with your (John Han)cock.

America!

Football: My league has an auction draft.

America again!

I know this is a niche (though hopefully a growing one), I was wondering what your thoughts were about nominating players for auction. One school of thought is to put up players you want, so you can find out quickly what you’re going to have on your team (and snag favorites) and thus maximize flexibility as the auction wears on. Another is to nominate players you DON’T want, so that everyone else wastes their money on them and you (hopefully) reap the rewards. Do you have any thoughts on that particular piece of strategy?
-PB

I have some thoughts on this! Remember when you went to the homecoming dance in high school? Now think of yourself as a Taiwanese crime lord and auctioning off those women to be shipped out as sex slaves across the globe. Hey, it could happen! But would you want the best girls from your dance to get stuck in the back of that 45-foot shipping container, subject to starvation or potentially being crushed? Golly, no! You’d save the prettiest gals of the gala for the very end, and that’s a great rule of thumb for fantasy football too. Wait for everyone else to spend their money, be they fellow owners or the captains of the Yakuza.

Bon chance, buddy!

***********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Everyone should buy their FFL commissioner a beer for taking the time to make the league work. Specifically organizing everyone the draft/auction. I get exhausted just answering yes/no to predetermined auction dates. Organizing a fantasy football draft is probably way harder than any task I’ve ever done at my job.

You should be grateful for even having a job right now. Ah, I’m just pulling your leg! Jobs suck!

Sex: I live in an old area where the buildings are all as big as the lots, this puts my windows close to my neighbors. My girlfriend happens to be friends with the girl that lives next door to me and apparently she can hear her while we’re going at it (regardless of the window being open or closed).

Kinky!

Last week she sent a text to my GF saying please keep it down, I’m tired of hearing your shrill moans. This really pissed her off and they traded a few text messages. It ended with her saying stop being such a bitch and we moved on.

Maybe she meant “Stop being such a banshee!” Damn autocorrect!

Last night and we turned on the TV loud like we normally do (I’ve got roommates — they’ve never said anything to me about her) and she mentioned she was going to work on being a little less loud (I like it and do not care what this neighbor thinks). We’re going at it, she starts singing a little and her phone rings twice and then gets a text notification (I notice it during sex, she doesn’t). About an hour later she checks her phone and sees this text message saying ‘SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ and pretty much immediately starts crying.

Hold the phone there, bub. Pun intended!

So instead of getting your ladygal to hush up, you turn up your television? And your roommates obviously aren’t going to admit to listening to you bumping uglies…at least I never did to my roommates! But enough about my parents. But why is your neighbor getting a free show? This sounds like a lawsuit for voyeurism to me, friendo!

It wasn’t a problem before, we both just laughed it off. Now it is. I have her crying in my arms after sex and she’s going to be self conscious to the point of probably not wanting to have sex at my place for at least a week. I’m pissed. What’s my play here?
-Anon

Most women cry in my bed after sex. Don’t worry. When you call her in three days, she’ll just tell you that she’s really busy with a lot of things and will get back to you when she can. Problem solved!

But really, no sex for a week? My heart bleeds for ya, Jack.

**********

Dear Sages of snatch,

Not a whole lot of fantasy advice needed, I’m the GM of a 12 team league with owners of varying levels of experience. Any suggestions on how to improve the quality of a draft party? I’m having a cookout at the house with plenty of booze and food, a few little gimmicks to determine draft order and other fun things, but I figure you’ve done this enough times to have a good idea or two.

The best and worst thing about draft parties is giving the other owners things to preoccupy themselves between picks, whether it’s a game of bocce out in the yard or torturing your homecoming dance slave in your basement.

The issue is that most of us gents can’t pay attention to anything for more than two hours, especially under the influence of alcohol. Give the fellas some opportunities to horse around between picks, but make sure they know when they’re on deck to get their selections in.

Sex, or rather relationships, or rather being a shallow bastard in the midst of a pretty good relationship. I’ve been dating a girl for roughly 5 months now (We’re both in our mid-20’s), after spending the last 5-6 years in various casual non-monogamous relationships. The girl I’m dating now is funny, intelligent, has an interesting career and hobbies, seems to be head over heels for me for some reason, and is generally fantastic to be around. This is the part where you likely type “but…”

Fuck you. Ha! Really changed it up there, didn’t I, friendo?

She is cute, but she is unhealthily overweight (20-30 pounds by BMI standards)

Whoa whoa whoa. BMI is a joke. An absolute joke. You know who else is obese by BMI standards? Michael Jordan and pretty much every other professional athlete that ever cashed a check since 1990. Fuck BMI. Fuck it in its poorly-groomed asshole.

and far less sexually experienced than I am (by a factor of more than 10:1).

So she hasn’t fuck halfed of Wichita like you have. I can see why this is such a bad thing for you.

The latter isn’t a huge deal, though it makes her somewhat hesitant to try new things.

“Baby, when I get really excited, I want you to stick a finger in my poorly-groomed asshole.”

The former is an issue though because I really want to see her as having serious long term potential. As someone who was in the same position growing up I’m sympathetic to how difficult it is to lose weight and because I care for her so much I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Fat bitch, look at my life. I’m a lot like you wereeeeeeeeee….”

She’s trying on her own to get in shape, and I’ve done my best to support her, going on a small diet myself and trying to get her to exercise with me, but she’s less and less committed to it every day. She’s not dumb, so she knows that my attempts to help aren’t entirely health related, but I don’t know how not to come off like a jerk. I’m just finding myself less attracted as time passes and I don’t know when it’s time to give up on a fantastic girl. I feel like a frank talk would only be really hurtful to her while accomplishing next to nothing, and I’m sure if I push it more outwardly she’s going to be rightfully resentful. So what to do? At what point is trying to change someone who loves you harder on them than just breaking it off?
-Shallow Hal

Wait, I just realized that lyric should have been “I was a lot like you are now.” Golly, I really screwed that up guys. My bad.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain,

Oh Falco, Your Falco.

Football first. I have participated in the same league for the last couple of years.

So? You want a medal or something? This isn’t the Special Olympics, you know (by the way, if you actually are retarded or something, I apologize).

Good group of guys, $100 buy in, and pretty typical rules. But in the middle of last season, I got a job in the mountains (all the guys live in Denver), about 3 hours away. They’re doing a live draft on a Wednesday and are giving me a ton of shit for wanting to skype or call in for the draft, but of course, leaving work early on Wednesday to get to Denver for a fucking fantasy draft seems patently absurd to me.

I’m flying 1200 miles, round-trip, for a fantasy draft in 2 weeks. Sounds like you could use a 20-ounce bottle of man the fuck up. Buy some at your local gas station on your way to Denver.

Now, let’s make with the love. I had a very tumultuous, sometimes great sometimes awful relationship with a woman in Denver for a good long time.

“And then she wanted me to come into town to do stuff and I was all fuck that, bitch!”

That’s over now, her wandering eye and my moving being a bad combination that couldn’t be overcome. But we were together for a solid four years, and during that time we really did share everything: an apartment, dog, record collection, and a really great friendship. It’s been difficult, sometimes with her wanting back in, sometimes me, but never at the same time.

If El Capitan were here now, he’d probably remind you that most people only remember the good things from their relationships, that we tend to gloss over or block out the bad, and that we’re often gravitating toward other people if only for the sake of acquiring stank on our planks.

Anyway, now I’m moved and starting over and have begun seeing a woman with whom I really connect.

“Planks” means “penises,” by the way.

The dates are awesome, we have great conversations, completely “get” one another. And the intimate times? Outta sight, my man!

Dad?

Problem is, I’m still hearing from the ex, and every time I do, the hurt feelings and memories come rushing back, causing me great consternation.

Eat lots of grapes. Those always get me back on track.

I still want to be friends with this woman, but if I heard she was seeing someone else, I’d be hurt, as I know she would be about me and this new woman. I have no interest in hurting her.

Thank you sir.
Jeff Georgeous

Golly, Jeff! It sounds like your old ladymate hasn’t quite had the chance to move on! It’s probably best to keep her nose out of your business, unless of course she lives right next door to your current girlfriend and sends over cock-blocking text messages in the midst of coitus. But really, if she’s upset with you and your new girl, she’s entitled to that, and you can’t plan around that.

You’ll just have to be extra-careful if you want to keep your new relationship in hiding, but the best approach might be to acknowledge that this is out of your control: you can’t control whether you’ll run into her, and you can’t control how she’ll feel when she sees you with your new girl. And goodness gracious, that just might be what she needs to see in order to move on.
**********

Dear Corporal Creeper,
Fantasy: I am in an auction keeper league with a $200 budget where your keepers cost last years draft price plus $10. I am keeping Freeman and Hillis for a total of $20, which leaves me with a starting QB with upside potential, a #2rb (at least), and $180 to spend on the rest of my team.

B) Go after a top RB and two top receivers and have somewhere around $30 to fill 10 more spots.

Always always always wait for the end of auction drafts. The bargains are at the end of the draft, where other owners have expended their funds and their patience entirely too early. Option A is your better bet here, sir.

Sex (I think): I have not blacked out since college, which I have been removed from for 3yrs. That was until last weekend. I remember being with my buddy, meeting up with his girlfriend and her friends, and talking, with no interest, to one of his girlfriend’s friends. From that point until 6:30 am when I had a friend pick me and aforementioned girl up on a dt street corner in the pouring rain, I remember nothing.

Sincerely,
I forget

Tell her you lost your hat. She’ll understand.

Hey everybody! I’m back from vaKSKation the only way you should ever be back on the job after a week off: half-heartedly, with minimal effort and maximal foot-dragging. You won’t find any extra photos or long-winded asides from me today, but I promise you this: what follows is definitely a mailbag. You cannot deny that.

Anyway, we have several different issues this week, but a couple folks below have problems that stem from being roommates with their siblings. Dude, just… no. I think my sister’s one of the coolest people on the planet, but that doesn’t mean I want to live under the same roof with her. Siblings should only live together if they’re (a) 18 or younger and (b) in their parents’ house. The one exception: twins who go to the same college. There are literally BILLIONS of other people in the world. Go meet some of them and offer them your extra room before turning to your brother or sister.

Captain Coochie Crusher,
Sex thing first that really has nothing to do with sex. Fingers crossed that this wastes your time and you destroy me for it. I’ve been dating a girl for almost a year now. She’s pretty amazing. I love spending time with her, we never argue, we like the same things and all that other shit that happy relationshippy people brag about. Since most of my past relationships usually end in a matter of months with the girl revealing some sort of hidden drug problem or violent streak or inability to act normal or penis (just kidding), you can see how I’m pretty excited about this one. But there is one problem that I’m not quite sure how to handle.

You see, I have always been a thorough enjoyer of “me” time. Time where I can do whatever the fuck I want without having to answer to anyone. Time where I can just be by myself, away from everyone and relax uninterrupted by anything. I realize getting into a serious relationship means sacrificing such things like the amount of “me” time I get. And I’m cool with that. Relationships are about compromise. I just wasn’t aware that I would be sacrificing ALL of it. The one thing that has been bothering me is that when I’m not with this girl she seems to think that we need to constantly text each other from the time I get off work until the time I go to bed. A couple texts here and there are fine, but to carry on the entire day…every day for the past year…can be a little overbearing at times. How do I let her know that the 6th grade constant texting is a little too much for me without hurting her feelings? I really like this girl and the last thing I want to do is hurt her by voicing my opinion the wrong way. Or am I just making too big of deal out of the whole texting thing?

This email makes me feel old. All I can think is, “Fucking kids with their texting, rabble rabble.” And I like texting. It’s a nice way to be concise and share information without wasting time on the phone saying, “Yeah… yeah… uh huh… totally… Love you, too, honey. Bye-bye.” And it’s especially nice because you can respond to texts at your leisure — something you clearly have failed to do for the last year, otherwise she wouldn’t be texting you hourly.

Everything in a relationship takes two people. Yes, she appears to be clingy with her constant texting, but I’d wager you fostered that habit by promptly responding to her texts and not creating the space for yourself that you need. And now you can’t just start ignoring her texts for an hour, because she’ll probably freak out and leap to conclusions. “Oh my God he hasn’t answered yet! What did I do? He doesn’t like me any more! I should send more texts to see what’s wrong!”

Now, because you didn’t properly maintain a little bubble of individualism separate from your relationship, you’re going to have to sit her down and explain to her in the nicest way possible that she needs to text you less often. And no matter how much you stress that you love her and she makes your life better in every way, she’s probably still going to be butt-hurt by the conversation. But it’s better that she be a little butt-hurt now, with the knowledge of how to be a better girlfriend to you, than for you to just blow up at her out of the blue when you finally reach your breaking point.

Now football. I’m in a big money league ($200 entry) with keepers. Friendships have been severed because of this league but I continue to be in it because I have a problem, apparently. The first year I was runner up. Last year I missed the playoffs by one game (Fuck you very much Jonathan Stewart…3rd round pick). The rules state you can only keep one player for two years, then they get thrown back into the draft. I’m keeping Peyton Manning for the final year I’m able to, but I have a dilemma with my second keeper. I’ll have the 6th pick based on where I finished last year but I also have Peyton Hillis. So…Do I keep Manning/Hillis and risk losing my fucking mind if Hillis tanks next year or roll the dice, only keep Manning and see what’s out there on draft day? Thanks for the help.

Sincerely,
Calloused Thumbs

I’d keep Hillis. Even if his ridiculous production from last year falls off, he’s still likely to be better than Running Back X you get in the second round. Besides, if he truly sucks this year, you can at least have the small satisfaction of cutting him. If you get rid of him and he kicks ass, you’ll never forgive yourself. Minimize the potential damage to your psyche by keeping him.

**********

Captain Caveman,
Fantasy Football: My top four players are Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Mike Wallace and Jamal Charles. Yet I can only keep two of them since our commissioner set the keeper number at 2 (this is our first year doing keeper). I also lose their value in our 200 point auction draft (Sidebar: Auction drafts are much better than snake since there is more strategy and less random luck). Charles is worth 41, Rodgers 39, Jennings 26 and Wallace 7. Standard scoring w/ .25PPR

Rodgers is a shoo-in (third in scoring behind Foster and Vick). After that I’m stuck. Charles got me the 2nd most points, Wallace is the best value and the Rodgers-to-Jennings connection worked very well.

Either Charles or Wallace. My first inclination is to say Charles, because that insane YPC doesn’t lie, and he’ll probably get more red zone touches this year. However, that’s a tall order to spend 1/5 of your entire budget on two players. If you think you can fill out the rest of your roster with 120 points, keep Charles. Otherwise, I like the value you get from Mike Wallace.

Sex: On the relationship front I also have a dilemma. It boils down to this: to reconnect with a past flame, is it better to do what worked the first time to remind her of something comforting and familiar, or to do new and flashy things to show you’ve changed for the better?

Context: As a senior in college I had an amazing relationship, including last summer in my current city. It ended only because she was a year younger and didn’t want to enter a long distance relationship. In hindsight that makes sense, but at the time I was devastated. So I followed the KSK/CC model of break ups: Sulk for a month and try to forget her by improving my life: I ran a 10K, learned how to cook and went on dates with other girls.

However, a couple months ago my ex told me she’s moving to my city. Since then, we’ve started chatting again. In fact, I saw her several times during Reunion Weekend (which I’d previously booked before we started talking). I definitely could tell that our chemistry was still there. We even were close to hooking up, but she stopped me and said “Listen, I’ve been really emotional with graduating and leaving all my friends. If we want to date when I move down I think it’s best if we don’t drunkenly hook up tonight. It’ll only complicate things.” Normally this would be DING DING leading on/crazy/attention whore signs.

Eh, that could go either way. You could interpret it as her playing manipulative mind games, but my gut reaction is that she probably just wants a better chance at a fresh start with you.

However, my ex is not the type to get emotional or play those kinds of games. So I know she was being sincere. (She also was the first to bring up dating again.)

Needless to say, since that weekend, my feelings for her have resurfaced. And at the very least she has thought about dating me again. So I’m trying to think of a great way to reconnect with her when she moves. Hence the past vs. new question above. Would it better to go to our favorite restaurant from last summer (familiar, evocative of the good times) or offer to come over one night and cook her dinner at her place (new, flashy skill that’s impressive for a 23-year old guy). Similarly, would wearing a shirt that she bought for me (which I’ve kept because it’s comfortable not for sentimental reasons) perhaps subconsciously remind her of our great connection? Or would she think my wardrobe hasn’t changed since we broke up?

HOLY SHIT. Put your ovaries away and stop over-thinking this.

I’m probably over-thinking the shirt part,

Yes.

but I’m curious whether you you think evoking the glory days or showing improvement is better. I really think a good “second first date” would go a long way to rekindling the flame (or determining whether she actually was just leading me on…)
Thanks CC,
Keeper Keeper

Cook dinner at YOUR place, not hers (unless she invites you over). She’ll be moving into a new space and will want to get the fuck out of her apartment after being surrounded by boxes. And don’t think of it as showing off a new skill — think of it as being yourself. I hate to use a baseball metaphor, but this is an easy fly ball to catch — don’t squeeze the glove too hard.

**********

Dear KSK,
Currently dating a girl named Debbie, but this question refers to her relationship with her sister Pam. Debbie is very close to her sister, both in life (roomates) and in age (18 mos. apart). About two years ago, Pam starts dating a GI, and as she is prone to do, becomes very impulsive and they elope two weeks before he ships off to Afghanistan.

Oh wow. A “GI,” you say? I believe this is the first email I’ve ever received from the 1950s. ”Golly, chum! Ya think Ike will drop the A-bomb on the Reds?”

Now, in the absence of having her husband around, she starts sleeping with a new guy. A very skeevy, asshole-ish gentleman who is about 12 years her senior, and who is also very well aware that he is helping the wife of a man who is risking his life for the cause of freedom cheat. Debbie is completely exasperated by the situation. She has tried everything: yelling at Pam, giving her the cold-shoulder, sitting her down for a “sister-to-sister” chat, to make her realize that what she is doing is very very wrong, but nothing seems to be working. Just the other day, Pam went out to see the skeeve-ball and left her phone at home. When Debbie picked up the phone, and Pam’s hubby was on the line from the other side of the world looking for her, Debbie couldn’t do anything but cover for her sister, and she rightfull feels very, very disgusted with herself for doing so. Now, GI Hubby is coming home for two weeks R&R and is staying with them. Pam just started a new job and Debbie will be spending most mornings at home with Mr. Husband (Debbie is service industry), which will be incredibly uncomfortable for her. What does she do?? It’s pretty obvious that he shouldn’t be married to Pam, but is it Debbie’s job to tell him about the infidelity?? It’s really eating Debbie up…should she pay for her sister’s shit-brained behavior??

I suppose shoving Pam in front of a city bus isn’t an option, huh? Too bad.

Ordinarily, I would recommend staying out of people’s relationships: they’re hard enough to maintain — and painful enough when destroyed — without a third party tattling on someone. However, Pam’s insistence on being brazen about cuckolding her military husband is particularly distasteful, and I’d argue that it becomes your business when it starts affecting people in your life.

Some people might say that you should give Pam some kind of warning, like “If you don’t tell him, I will” or “I don’t want to hear about you seeing that other guy ever again, because it’s killing Debbie” — but that just gives Pam the upper hand and gives her the chance to feed Debbie lies about you.

If I were in your shoes, I’d talk to Debbie and see if she’d be okay with me telling the soldier about Pam’s infidelity. Just blow it the fuck up, man. In the process, you’ll probably guarantee that Pam will hate you forever, but you’ll relieve Debbie’s worry while preserving her sisterly relationship. And although Pam’s anger at you may not benefit your relationship, you’ll sleep soundly knowing that you exposed truth, took some lumps so your girlfriend didn’t have to, and acted in the best interest of a deployed serviceman. It will be a shitstorm for sure, but at least you won’t be an accomplice to Pam’s cruel idiocy.

Football – Should we shy away from drafting rookies this year due to the lockout-induced lack of team activities?? Will they have less impact as rookies that in years past had entire offseasons to prepare with their new teams??
-BwJ

Shit, I hadn’t thought about that until now. I guess we’ll have to follow training camp reports a little more closely than usual to see if your suspicions are true.

**********

Greetings,
First with football: I won a 16(!) team league last year solely due to picking up Mike Vick off waivers the week before the season started (my bench was absolute trash). This allowed me to trade Aaron Rogers to a huge Packer fan in my league for a King’s ransom early in the season. Included in that trade was Calvin Johnson. Between Vick and Johnson, who do I keep (we get one keeper and don’t have to sacrifice a pick in the round he was selected)? I’ve been debating this in my head since the season ended.

On one hand, Vick was easily the most dominant player in fantasy football last year – racking up scores in the 20s even when he had a mostly awful game (see the Vikings game). On the other hand, he’s assured to miss a few games during the season, which means I’d have to draft a backup quarterback earlier than most and won’t be able to use him as trade bait, which can kill you in a league with such little depth. Megatron was also incredibly consistent, especially for a wide receiver. If Matt Stafford stays healthy for an entire season, he could very well be the best WR in fantasy football.

I’ve found that quarterbacks make the world go ’round in the deeper fantasy leagues, because you can’t count on consistent production from such a thin roster. As of now, however, it seems like quarterback and runningback are relatively deep, especially when compared to the wide receiver group. Should I keep Vick and hope Megatron/other dominant WR falls to me in round one? Or should I keep Johnson and take my chances finding a good, consistent starter after a couple rounds?

That is an exceptionally tough question. I’d pick Megatron, but that’s because I would live in fear of a Vick injury if he were on my team, and I’d rather sleep at night instead of stressing about my fantasy team.

Now, other stuff. And it’s not really my problem, but my girlfriend’s problem (therefore, I suppose it’s my problem by default).

Such obvious words need not be said.

Girlfriend and I rent a house, and her older brother rents a room from us. I’m 23, girlfriend is 25, and her brother is 36. My girlfriend and I like to have our friends over, so there’s been a decent amount of attractive females in their young 20s at the house. Unfortunately, however, my girlfriend’s brother is 36 years old going on 16 (which brings a host of fucking problems, but I’m trying to focus on just this one for the sake of your column). He ONLY wants girls aged 18-25ish

Get in line, pal.

and generally creeps out every friend my girlfriend brings over to hang out with her.

She doesn’t know what to do. I’ve told her to just be brutally honest with him – that he’s a creep, ugly, poor, and shouldn’t want to deal with the inherent drama that would could with dating someone 10-15 years younger than him. She’s tried to do it tactfully, but he can’t take the hint (well, I suppose he can since he complains about her not wanting him to hit on her friends). This situation is just fucking retarded to me. Am I right? Does she just need to be brutally honest with him?
-Clever Pseudonym

The problem isn’t her unwillingness to be brutally honest with him. The problem is that you, 23, and your girlfriend, 25, rent a room to her brother, 36. Would the two of you rent a room to some other 36-year-old creepy dude who hit on her friends? Fuck and no. I mean, I understand that family ties are important, but that doesn’t mean he has to be your charity case. Let him suckle off his parents’ teat, not your girlfriend’s.

And yeah, that metaphor is SUPPOSED to make you ill at the thought of him living under your roof. Get a new roommate.

Whew, sorry about the lateness of the mailbag, as usual. Strap in, everybody. It’s a long haul to get to the end of this week’s mailbag. On today’s docket: Michael Vick, smack talk, group sex, harlots, the 37th iteration of my standard dating tips, Joey Porter, and more. Enjoy.

Dear Copernicus of Copulation,
Fantasy first: I’m in a league with good friends, it’s casual but competitive. One glaring shortcoming is the lack of creative shit talking. Instead of one-liners, my chosen method of shit talk is in the form of weekly press releases. I’m pissed because I put some thought and effort into the releases, but nobody puts anywhere near that effort into their banter. How can I get these guys (who are generally smart and funny dudes) on the Shittalk Express?

“I work so hard at being a dick to my friends! Why won’t they put a little more effort into being dicks to each other?”

For a lot of people, talking shit to their friends is one of the highlights of playing fantasy football. Other people don’t feel the same way. Some folks (me)  just like the additional rush of weekly gambling. Some people are too busy with work or family to dedicate time and effort to shit-talk. And some people wish that the guy who talks smack non-stop would just shut the fuck up and act like an adult.

Now, I’m not saying that all of those possibilities apply specifically to your league-mates, but it seems likely that not everyone enjoys the shit-talking as much as you do. Or perhaps they read it and enjoy it, but don’t feel the need to engage. Last week, one of my buddies bragged that he’d never lost a Words With Friends game, so I picked up the gauntlet and positively crushed him — he resigned after I hit 500 points, and I was still holding the X — so I posted a screenshot of the game on his Facebook wall with the caption “Do you know where you are? YOU IN THE JUNGLE BABY.” I thought it was funny. 

It got zero comments and zero likes.

Internet interaction is often one-way like that — a lot of people consume but don’t engage. Try getting together some of your league-mates to watch the games together. Trash talking in person is a lot more fun — and less likely to be ignored.

Seximus scandalous: I’m divorced and I’m now dating a fantastic woman who is beautiful both inside and out. Bonus, she’s also a divorcee and makes a solid living as a doctor. Everything is right about this woman, everything. We recently had the talk about past sexual experiences, she asked point-blank if I’d had experience in a group setting (she has not, btw). I said yes, and explained that after my divorce I was in an exploratory mood and had an arrangement with a married couple – I didn’t name names. She was amused but not outwardly bothered by it. By “arrangement” I mean that the three of us would plan dates for the specific reason of having kick-ass sex. Nothing gay mind you, but this woman likes a LOT of attention, simultaneously from her husband and me.

“Okay, team. I want a good, clean, non-gay MMF threesome. No eye contact, and no touching dicks. Now go out there and stuff that bird from both ends!”

Now that I’m in a relationship, we no longer have our threesomes (it’s been about 5 months). Outside of occasional sexual encounters, the three of us are pretty good friends. As I enjoy hanging out with them socially, the time has come to introduce my girlfriend to this couple. So, do I tell her before we go out that this is THE couple? If I do so, do I risk putting my girlfriend in a bad spot because we’re sitting across the table from a beautiful woman whom I’ve… well, you know. My girlfriend’s not the jealous type, but that’s no reason to push it. Or do I not tell her at all, hoping she doesn’t connect the dots? She’s very observant, and I’m worried that she’ll figure things out and feel that I haven’t been honest with her. Also, my swinging friends are in professions where this kind of information could be devastating to their careers. One more thing; if she were agreeable, I know that this couple would probably be open to including my girlfriend (she’s fucking hot), but I don’t think I could handle seeing another dude’s dick in her mouth – does that make me a big hypocrite?

Thanks for your advice -
Three-or-Foursome

Whoa, okay. Can you maybe ask some more questions next time?

First of all, if you don’t want to see another dude’s penis in your girlfriend, then you’re not going to have a four-way. Period. If the idea of a sexual situation makes you uncomfortable, DON’T DO IT. (Seriously dude, that’s like the first thing parents tell teenage girls.) Is your feeling hypocritical? Maybe, maybe not. A lot of male fantasies are built on double standards, which is one of the reasons why porn is so awesome. Regardless, it’s not unusual for a man to not want to see his girlfriend penetrated by someone else’s penis.

So, given that you’re not going to engage in a foursome, you just need to gauge what your girlfriend wants to know or is comfortable hearing. Personally, if it were me, I’d talk to the threesome couple and ask for discretion on their part — they should be good with it given their careers — and then I wouldn’t tell my girlfriend. If she asked, I’d tell her the truth. And if she followed that up with “Why didn’t you tell me?,” I’d tell her the truth again: because it was in the past, and it’s not applicable to our relationship now.

Honesty and disclosure are good for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you need to point out every woman you’ve seen naked, or every dick you totally haven’t touched during a threesome.

**********

Dear Cap’n Crunch,
I prefer fantasy first: Is Michael Vick your ultimate late first round pick, or should you reach for him even at three or four if you have it?

Eeeessh. I wouldn’t feel comfortable using a three or four on Vick. In a twelve-team league, I might go as low as 7 or 8 for Vick if Aaron Rodgers went off the board early.

Now for the business: This question is mostly subtlety and not so much straight up sex. I worked with this girl that ended dating a good friend of mine, but initially we flirted a lot and still sort of flirted on the side while she was dating my friend. I have a solid relationship with my girlfriend but this other girl would come out to trivia night with her boy (my friend) and rub her leg up aginast mine under the table and stuff like that.

Stuff like what? Stuff like touching your shoulder when she laughed? Or stuff like putting her tits in your face when she got up to go to the bathroom?

I went abroad this past year (with my lady) and she kept e-mailing me, and when I got home she had sent me in the mail a hand-written note seeing how I was doing, wanted to keep in touch etc. My question is, have you ever seen this angle before? Is she just trying to be friendly or she (as you say) keeping me in the wings? I see her as a real straightforward kind of girl, and I’ve only been in two long term relationships (one for five and this current one for three) so I just don’t know what she’s playing at. Am I getting played?

Signed,
Making it Happen

The very last thing that girl is is straightforward. Ask yourself this: would you be comfortable with YOUR girlfriend doing flirting with your buddy that way?

**********

Dear Caveman,
Dating: Each of my last 3 girlfriends suffered a sickness or injury that ended the relationship. The first (1.5 years) had been in therapy for years for depression, OCD, and had a overall traumatic past with several “hard hitter” medications to keep her head straight. I finally reached a boiling point when she started accusing me of causing her additional depression and other outlandish made up things. The next (2-3 months) came down with a brain tumor. Her father basically told me we weren’t in love and this was a family matter and he’d like me to leave the scene and if perhaps after her surgery we wanted to reignite things maybe we could (we didn’t). The latest (7 months) tore her ACL playing sports and her stress level exploded and she was boiling over in rage when intoxicated (usually blaming it on liquor). After 3 drunken rages lasting for hours I had to cut her for my own sanity.

Why do all of my partners keep getting sick/injured/losing it?

Because of you, obviously. “WARNING: Dating this man may cause mental illness, knee injury, or cancer.”

These females are all middle class late 20s to early 30s healthy looking girls with professional occupations and health insurance. I’m not the easiest person to date, but I don’t think I cause enough stress to be causing such ailments.

Oh, you’re actually taking the possibility of being a carcinogen seriously. I did not see that coming.

But 3 in a row and I’m starting to really wonder if karma is after my ass or something like that. Its to the point where after I give an attractive girl a quick up/down, I wonder to myself what ailments she might have and include that in my mental assessment. It’s hard to spot the crazy though.

And even harder to tell which ones have bad knees! That’s why you should ask every woman you’re interested in to bring her medical chart with her on your first date.

Do you have any tips for meeting healthy girls with no mental issues, healthy bodies, and non-brittle bones?

Sure. Move to Fantasy Town in Shangri-La. I’m told the Unicorn District has a thriving singles scene.

I was in a running club but it was mostly dominated by socially awkward dudes.

*cough*

Do I take up yoga? I’m 28 and I live in a medium sized city. There are alot of random attractive females roaming the streets during a workday but what on earth to say to a girl walking in the other direction is beyond me. Or how to break the ice with a cute girl in front of me for my morning coffee.

Stop sweating it. Girls can smell desperation and desire, and it dries their vaginas up. What you need to do is just focus on improving yourself: get a library card and read more / find a new exercise regimen (yoga might be nice; I of course recommend CrossFit to anyone with extra funds and a masochistic streak) / volunteer at an animal shelter / take a class / whatever breaks you out of your routine. After a while — maybe a month, maybe six months — you’ll look better, you’ll feel better, and you’ll carry yourself with something women won’t have noticed before: a certain air of confidence that tells them, “I’d be lucky to have a guy like that” rather than “I bet he wants to fuck me.” When that happens, the girl getting coffee in front of you will be the one to start the conversation.

Football: I’m heated an 8 game season is even suggested. After such great NBA and NHL championships too. Get it together NFL. The owners obviously don’t want to open their books since they are making plenty of money off their investment in buying a team. It infuriates me.
Yours,
Sick of Sicklings

I will make sure that the NFL hears of your unhappiness.

**********

Dear KSK,
Football first: Ahmad Bradshaw. Hang onto him? Or shop him around?

Every player is worth shopping if you think you can get someone better for him.

Sex: After a long, shitty dry spell for a while when I took a friend’s advice and gave online dating a shot. I lucked out, met a fun girl, and we’ve dating for about two months now. The sex has been great and she’s a blast to hang out with, so i’m happy on the whole. However, during a more recent round of Tumblr-trawling, I found a picture of her beating around the bush rather enthusiastically, along with a link indicating that she spends her free time working actively as a camgirl. I’m curious, and a perv, so I followed the trail, and yes, indeed, she is apparently augmenting her income working as a camgirl.

Hard to believe that a camgirl would turn to online dating.

Now, I don’t have an issue with her doing it

Wait, what? Really?

(as long as the closest she’s getting with these dudes is the distance between modems), but I feel like this is going to be screaming around in the back of my head the next time I see her. Should I let her know I know what she does? Or should I just wait, and see if she decides to tell me? I like her a lot, and I feel like it might screw up the relationship at an early stage to just blurt out “oh I saw you taking pornographic requests online last night”, but pretending I don’t know seems even harder.

Okay, to each his own. Me, I’d have a problem if my woman was taking money from strangers to masturbate on camera so said strangers could masturbate to her. It would be like dating a stripper, only without the good parts (cocaine and body glitter).

However, since you’re more open-minded, why not just talk to her about it? She’s secretly doing something pervy online, you found out because of your own pervy inclinations — why keep it under wraps? If you want to make her more comfortable about the conversation, make it an admission of your secret: “Listen, there’s something you should know about me. I spend a lot of time on Tumblr, and that’s where I get a lot of my porn…” If she doesn’t react to that, then she should be on the World Poker Tour.

One more thing: make sure — like, one million percent sure — that it’s really her, and that she doesn’t have a secret twin or anything. Because EMBARRASSING.

**********

Dear Licensed Professionals,
Sex: I am a 38 year old male divorcee currently in a relationship of 4 months. I have been divorced for 3 years now. The current girl is attractive, funny, and much more sane than the ex wife. Sex has been fantastic and I could be any happier until I recently got a phone call from her. She told me that she is pregnant. All of our sex has been protected although just last week she pulled a condom out of the trash and told me it was broken. This would not have been as much of a problem except the fact that I had a vasectomy at age 33.

Oh man. Fucking BURN! Destroy that cheating harlot!

This is the kind of things that a wife makes you do when she is done having kids. I agreed to this before the relationship started to deteriorate, but this was definitely the start of it. I have kept this secret from my current girlfriend because to be honest, it’s pretty embarrassing. I realize this was a stupid move now.

Are you kidding? If she’d known about your vasectomy she could’ve gotten a secret abortion and stayed with you and kept fucking other dudes unprotected until you got an STD. Stupid LIKE A FOX, maybe.

(NOTE: I’m going to answer this question under the assumption that she is indeed pregnant, and not just saying she’s pregnant.)

As you have probably figured out, this created plenty of problems, all that I’ve kept to myself for around 4 days now. Im the type of guy who likes closure and I would like to find out everything. How do you suggest I go about this without completely fucking up my life, her life, and maybe even the kids life. I also realize there is probably no way this relationship continues.

“Probably” no way the relationship continues? You, sir, must be the chillest man alive. Do you even have a pulse?

Let me put this in very clear terms: women are much more cunning than men. It’s not our fault; our brains are no match for our dicks, and our dicks are terrible at thinking. By not telling your girlfriend about your vasectomy, you have the rarest gift a man can have in a relationship: a position of strategic advantage. So if you want to truly “find out everything,” ask her the questions you want answered without revealing how you know the baby isn’t yours.

Sit her down and say, “I know the baby isn’t mine. Whose is it?” She’s going to try to redirect the conversation — outrage that you don’t trust her, how dare you, why would you say that, etc. Don’t flinch. Stay on point. Ask again and again until she breaks. When you get your information, tell her, “I had a vasectomy! Now get out, whore!”

Oh, also maybe check with your doctor to make sure that you’re shooting blanks. Might be tough to repair the relationship if the baby turns out to be yours by some miracle.

Fantasy Football: Picked up Vick last year so i automatically won. Somewhat skeptical about drafting him in the first round because he is not going to play all 16 games. I usually have good luck in the draft order so who are the top 5 picks this year?
-Max with No Manhood

I haven’t finalized my top five order yet, but these are the likely names I’d go with: Chris Johnson, Arian Foster, Adrian Peterson, Jamaal Charles, and… either LeSean McCoy or Andre Johnson. MJD falls from the top five because I’m worried about the knee surgery he had, and I’ll take McCoy over Ray Rice because he plays in a better offense and seems better at finding the end zone (or at least gets the red zone touches to do so).

**********

Salutations,
This has been bugging me for a couple of years, and I just wanted someone else to weigh in. I got a Joey Porter jersey for my birthday in ’04, and then he was shot in the ass, and I thought, wow, he’s very lucky. Then the Sopranos aired an episode where a “football player” pays a guy to shoot him in the ass to make him look tough. And I am now certain that’s what happened since Porter never, to my knowledge, had a Pacman-type reputation for hanging out with unsavory characters, (alleged) rapists not withstanding. Should I throw out the jersey in shame?

No. Throw it out because he’s a loudmouth jackass, or because he left your team for a conference rival, or because his dogs kill horses, or because you don’t approve of what you suspect is his closeted homosexuality. Hell, throw it out because it’s a Steelers jersey.

Fuck Joey Porter.

As for the other thing – I work in the political field as a researcher. My job every day is to dig up dirt, analyze records, and essentially compile dossiers on all the good and bad things people have ever done — all of it free and available online, if you know where to look for it. I’m good at it because this kind of stuff fascinated me. This makes me very cautious of people I associate with, but I still do manage to go on a couple of dates when I find the time.

However, after I explain to a girl on the first date what I do, there’s about an 80% chance she’ll ask “so, did you look me up?” I don’t want to say “yes, I know about your speeding ticket, made sure you didn’t have a drug habit in college, looked over your friends, pulled your voter registration, made sure you weren’t a hardcore activist or ideologue who might try and steal my laptop if you spend the night, etc.” (that last one has happened to a friend of mine in the same field, these aren’t paranoid suspicions, just necessary cautions). However, I also don’t want to lie and say “of course not” because a) I wouldn’t want to lie to someone who may turn out to be the real thing, and b) it wouldn’t even sound true. Any ideas on how to thread the needle?
-Alex.

I can’t help but wonder if the woman who tried to steal your colleague’s laptop did so because he went through the “necessary caution” of doing an in-depth background check on her.

We’ve all got dirt, Alex. Run-ins with the law, unsavory behavior at casinos, drugs we shouldn’t have done, people we shouldn’t have fucked, things we shouldn’t have said. What allows the average person to have a romantic relationship with another average person is that most people only judge their partner on their actions since they met that person. Granted, I don’t want to date someone who’s cheated on every boyfriend she’s ever had, but I also don’t give a shit if someone had a drug habit in college. THAT’S WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR, YOU ASS. I mean, you’re judging people based on paperwork filed by government employees. Have you ever met a cop? My friend got ticketed for an open container violation last month as he was walking to throw away an empty bottle.

What I’m trying to say is, relationships are about trusting someone. When you do an in-depth background search on someone — not just a standard “Is this person a murderer?” Google search — you violate that trust before it even has a chance to form, and you’ve already formed opinions about someone who very likely has changed and grown and matured since they did whatever you dug up on them.

My recommendation, obviously, is to not do the background search on women you might like. Instead, turn it from something creepy into something intriguing. When your date says, “So, did you look me up?,” you say, “No, I like to form my own opinions about people I’m interested in.” And THEN you hit her with this: “Why? What would I find out about you?” See, that shows that you want to learn about her from her. If the date goes really well, you can invite her back to your place — “I’ll show you how to do a background check” — and you can dig up the dirt on her as she watches. She gets to see how you do your job, she can explain why she attended a communist rally when she was 19, and you get verification that she doesn’t have AIDS before you sleep with her. High five!

A strange thing happened this week: one of the people who wrote in to the mailbag and rescinded their question out of deference to friendships and feelings and blah blah blah. So, it is on a completely unrelated note that I recommend AGAINST falling in love with a married woman, particularly if her husband is a soldier in Afghanistan. As if adultery wasn’t already a terrible idea, you REALLY don’t want the cuckhold to be a veteran with PTSD and access to firearms.

Just sayin’.

Anyway, enjoy this week’s mailbag. Try to guess which person I’m talking about in the headline.

Dear KSK:
Sex (or lack thereof) first and it’s sort of a two-parter. I’m pretty happy with how things are going with a guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months – he’s a single dad which is most definitely a new situation for me. It’s cool, but it significantly limits the time we get to spend together. But my concern isn’t with his son or anything like that. I’m a little bothered because I can count the number of times we’ve had sex on one hand. Which, in my mind, is odd because I always thought sex tapered off later in the relationship. Granted, we’re both busy people and since he has a kid and all, we really don’t have that many opportunities to get it on. But his son was away at the mom’s house for the past two weeks, so I was pretty hyped, and confident, that I would be getting some. I have big tits and like to bang,

Awww yeah.

so he should be happy to take advantage of that, right? Well, this girl barely got any ass. Normally, I would just convince myself that I’m unattractive and bad in bed, but as mentioned above, i have tits, and definitely know how bad-ass I am in the sack. Plus he hasn’t bailed on all physical contact – he’ll still kiss me goodbye and we messed around a little bit, which is nice and all but at this point, I’d rather a goodbye bang. He’s been exceptionally stressed with work, trying to move, an awful custody situation with the kid’s mom, etc. so I thought (hoped) maybe that was the reason for this drought. So my question is, can significant amounts of stress completely destroy a guy’s sex drive temporarily, or is that just wishful thinking? I mean, logic says that he’s probably over it, but that explanation wasn’t really consistent with some of his actions (introducing me to his friends, bringing his kid around me, etc.). I hate talking about my feelings because that’s awkward but if he just views me as a friend now, I feel like knowing that sooner rather than later would be better for all of us, but I don’t know how to bring it up without adding or creating any pressure or stress. Any suggestions as to how I can do that?

Forget the lack of sex for a moment. Has it occurred to you that someone saddled with a kid, an impending move, a bad custody situation, and a stressful job might not be mentally ready for a relationship? That sticks out to me as a red flag more than his nonexistent sex drive.

As for stress’s effect on sex drive, different men react to different things in different ways. Personally, I find sex to be a welcome respite when I’m stressed out, but not every man is an unfeeling tit-crazed Neanderthal like me. Who knows? Maybe his sex drive is down, maybe he wants to move slowly because his life is up in the air, maybe he’s not attracted to you, maybe he’s coming to grips with the feeling that he’s a woman in a man’s body who just wants the embrace of another man. I remind you that I’m not a licensed professional, just a dude who likes fucking.

Regardless, I think the best course of action is to sit back and let him take the reins. Next time he asks you out, tell him that it’s okay, you understand that he’s busy and stressed, and he shouldn’t feel obligated to hang out with you. Then he’ll be all, “No, no, I want to see you.” That’s when you say, “Well then, you need to step it up and fuck me like you hate me.” That should get his attention. After that, a quick talk about feelings won’t be so bad — “Hey, I like you, and I won’t pressure you, but I need my relationships to be more physical.” If he can’t or won’t provide that, then you have fair reason to move on.

Fantasy: Which is more likely to happen: getting kicked out of your fantasy league because you win too often or because the commissioner’s girlfriend doesn’t like you?
Sincerely,
Dry Spell from Hell

Either situation reflects the worst of each gender. The former would require several men (I assume you play with mostly men) to act like jealous teenage girls, while the latter would require a pussy-whipped commissioner who runs a fantasy league according to the whims of a controlling girlfriend.

I don’t know a single person like that in any of my leagues, because I play with my friends, and my friends aren’t shitheads. So, coming from my position, both situations are totally unrealistic (and not just because I’ll never win too often). If either one of those seems possible for you, you may be better off in a league where people act like adults.

**********

Ahoy Captain,
Fantasy: I need keeper advice. I can keep one of the following: Brady, Hillis, and Forte. Keep in mind that this is a fairly QB friendly league even though scoring is 6TD/2INT and 1pt/50 pass yds. Last year Brady ended with 328, Hillis with 277 and Forte with 252. I’m leaning Brady, but can he really replicate the 36:4 TD:INT ratio?

No.

But then Hillis could be a one-hit wonder?

Possibly.

And I just threw Forte in there cause he had the 3rd most pts on my team (6th place, holla!). Your guidance is appreciated.

Forte’s out unless your league is PPR and you gamble like Krusty the Klown.

I’d go with Brady, just because I’d be angrier at Hillis if he flamed out than I would be at Brady if he got hurt again. There’s nothing wrong with making a top-tier quarterback your keeper.

Sex: This is less of a what should I do and more of a request for some calming words of encouragement. My best friend’s girlfriend’s best friend (that is way easier to say) just moved to town from Idaho after graduating college and deciding she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Well, my BF’s GF thought that we would make a really great couple and introduced us. Normally, I hate getting set-up by my friends, but this girl is really awesome, fun, easy-going, and at least one level above me in the looks department. Now is where I should mention that she is a 23 year old divorcee (I’m 28). She has no ties to her former life, and wanted to put it behind her so bad that she moved 1000 miles across the country. But she is not in the mindset to have a serious relationship right now.

My problem is that I tend to meet someone I like and my mind goes into fucking overdrive. I start thinking 1, 2, 5, 10 years ahead, instead of just living in the moment.

I have identified the problem: you are a woman.

Now I know she likes me (intel from the BF’s GF) and we have great chemistry. So how can I keep my mind in the here and now, and not A) work myself into a frenzy that this might finally be the one, causing myself to have a nervous breakdown or B) try and push things too fast and end up frightening her to the point that she wants to move another 1000 miles away? I don’t know when I developed the tendency to do this, but I would like to re-boot my mind to high school when I was much more chill when it came to relationships. What say you?
Much obliged,
Cowboys fan by birth/Cowboys fan by choice

You’re going to do what every other smart person does in a fledgling relationship: you hide the crazy for as long as possible. It’s summer; treat it like a fling. Just relax and enjoy getting laid by a younger woman who’s better-looking than you deserve. Maybe by the end of the summer she’ll like you enough to try a real relationship with you, or even think your completely insane over-analyzing of the future is charming. But probably not. Keep that shit hidden.

Also: GF = girlfriend; BF = boyfriend. “BF” is not short for “best friend.” That’s just common sense, man.

**********

Suicide Suppressors,
Sex – Long story (I’ve rehashed it roughly 100000 times in my head and will try and keep it brief). Met a girl last fall who had a long term relationship (2 years ago) with a friend of a friend (an acquaintance to me). I wasn’t particularly close to this guy, but we are/were in the same social circle. I hit it off with this girl and fell hard. This naturally created any manner of drama in our group, including shoving at a bar between him and I, him calling her saying he is going to kill himself, etc. I am seriously falling for this girl as the winter goes along, the sex is mind blowing and daily. But this is always hovering. One day she calls me to say she is spending the month before she starts her new (and first) job abroad with her dad who she has no relationship with and before she leaves breaks it off. That’s all well and good, but as soon as she gets back, she is right back with the ex. This was pretty devastating to me and she wonders why we can’t all be friends.

I don’t know, but it probably has something to do with her being an obtuse moron with daddy issues.

It is now sufficiently awkward and fractured in our friend group as a result. I point out the obvious which confuses her. She still drunk texts me regularly and says she thinks about me all the time, misses me, but is with him, etc. Pretty much a total mind fuck whenever she wants (I know I shouldnt let it…but still).

No. There’s no “but still.” That’s precisely the kind of idiocy you hear from abused women who say shit like, “I know it’s wrong that he hits me, but…” And then they get murdered by the dude because they didn’t leave.

And frankly, getting murdered is a better ending than what you’re doing, because at least death brings some finality to the story. You’re willingly allowing yourself to get jerked around by some dumb bitch because… because the pussy was great? I didn’t see you write anything glowing about her personality.

Everyone I know (friends, family) says to get over this girl, it was for the best, she is psycho, etc… but for some reason I can’t and feel like I lost.

You did lose, dumbass. You lost a person who isn’t right for you, and now you’re losing your mind because you won’t move on with your life. You know, other people have REAL problems, problems like cancer and crippling financial woes and parents with Alzheimer’s and shit that doesn’t go away. Your shit will go away as soon as you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You’ve got a broken heart. Boo hoo. Join the club. Now stop wasting your friends’ and family’s (and my) time telling your lame story about how dumb you are, then hold your head up like a man and move on with your life.

So was I just delusional and in reality a stepping stone guy?

No, you weren’t a stepping stone. A stepping stone would mean that she moved on to someone else. You were more of a placeholder.

Further, was I in the wrong for dating a girl who used to date someone I know (again, not a “friend” didn’t have his number in my phone or anything)?

No, that wasn’t the problem. Lots of people date more than one person in their circle of friends over time, and it’s something that most adults can cope with. Your problem was dating the flighty bitch.

Items of note: 1) This is the first time I have ever been broken up with so my mind is.

Your mind is what? Not finishing sentences?

2) I met this girl through my friends (hometown) and she has a bad history like this with guys so I suppose I should have seen it coming.

No shit.

3) Before we started dating I was dating her good girlfriend, further, i found out she goes after guys with a girl (the new boyfriend/ex was seeing someone else when she broke it off with me).

All of your sentences have different words in them, but they have the same message: “I am a moron.”

4) The aforementioned potential “daddy issues” 5) I am starting a job soon at the same place she works.
–At least the Packers won the Super Bowl

Way to backload all the important details at the end, pal. And good luck with #5. I suppose you already know that’s a fucking terrible idea.

**********

Dear KSK,
I’ve always felt that I should tell the truth, not hurt people, and just let things happen in life and things will work out. Some things look bad at first but turn out good and vice versa, so why get angry or try to change them? You could be changing them for the worse. Even when I was a kid, people called me “lucky” the way things seemed to work out for me. In school I never brought home a book and was top 5% in a class of 400. Same thing happened in college. One time, my car broken down at 1 A.M. and I walked the 3 miles home, but found a brick of weed on the side of road. Later that summer, my car was stolen and two weeks later the cops found it, only with 4 new tires and a paint job. I got in a philosophical argument with a professor my last semester of college and walked out of class, he gave me an ‘I’ and I had to take a summer course to graduate. At that class, I made friends with a beautiful girl and we smoked bowls and she gave me a BJ every morning before class. As I was paying my final bill for that summer class, I just happened to be there when the new Career Resource handbook was being delivered and I applied to a job advertised therein. Now at that same organization to which I applied, I make $100K/year in a great small town, come and go as I please and I swear I don’t think I have a supervisor. If there’s no work, I just stay home or go golfing and my job is generally someone calling me and me giving my opinion. Stuff like this happens all the time. Basically, the universe shines on me. I don’t deny that and in deference to it, I agree to abide by its wishes.

That sounds great. Fuck you.

Fantasy Football: I was invited to join an established local league several years ago, I drafted Shaun Alexander first and was ridiculed (2005, his 27 TD year). I was ridiculed for starting out 0-5, not trash talking (not my style), not making any trades, and forgetting to sub players on bye (I know). People were demanding I abdicate ownership (maybe rightly so?). I ended up running the table and winning the whole thing. I was not invited back, so no questions.

My two cents: you weren’t kicked out because you won. You were kicked out because you’re an aloof asshole.

Sex/Relationships: My resulting personality and attitude has served me fine with women for short term engagements. But relationships never worked out. If a girl tries to test me to see if I’ll “chase” her by saying she wants space or to see other people, I’ve always wished her well in her endeavors. They generally find my easy-going demeanor and lack of jealousy maddening. But at 25, I finally met a woman who didn’t care. She was 9 years older and let me do my thing and had my same attitude that if someone doesn’t want to be with you, let them go and wish them well.

That was 5 years ago and the problem is that lately, this has changed. She’s much more demanding and not happy if I’m not doing husband-like things or if I want to go do things alone. It’s sort of a bummer but not a deal breaker (did I mention I’m easy going?). We’re not married as I don’t think the universe wants that and I told her that in the beginning. I’m perfectly content growing old with her. The problem is that I’ve been thinking lately about kids (she can’t have any). I’ve come to the conclusion that I would like to have kids if the opportunity presents itself. In other words, if the universe sends me a woman with the care free attitude she had, who can have kids, I’ll probably consider leaving with her. Now my question is should I tell my current woman this? Should I leave now? Should I suggest counseling? I don’t want to be an ass but I may stay with her for the rest of my life, who knows? I won’t ever pursue another woman or cheat but for example, if someone gets hired to work with me and she seems like the one, I’ll probably leave and start anew. I’m afraid she’s cramping my mojo too. In the past, I’ve always fixed broken cars myself, by learning how to do it with friends over beers or books and internet videos. But she demanded I take her car to a shop because it’s faster (obviously). I did and the car broke down 3 times over the next 3 months costing over $5,000! That kind of stuff never used to happen to me. I understand if you think I’m crazy, am I?
Thanks for your input,
FSO

Hold on a second, let me put my ear to the ground and ask the universe.

Hey Universe, what have you got for FSO? Yeah, he really said that. I know, right? Hmmm. Interesting, interesting. Okay, gotcha.

All right, I’m back. The universe says fuck you, it ain’t sending you shit. It also said something about your life philosophy of being a passive recipient of good fortune is the sort of selfish bullshit it expects from aging hippies who’ve never contributed anything of worth to the planet. Then it went on a long rant about how your best bet for being happy is to make some fucking decisions for once in your life. It also said that luck isn’t bestowed upon the easy-going few, but made by people who work hard and try to make other people’s lives better.

Finally, the universe said good luck with being less of a New Age douchebag.

Aw, crap. Mailbag’s late again this week. Sorry about that. Let’s get right to it:

Good afternoon (I’m guessing you’re doing this in the afternoon),

Actually, I review the mailbag questions and format them on Wednesday night. The responses get crafted throughout the day on Thursday, which is why the mailbag sometimes runs late. The mailbag also runs late when nude photos of Blake Lively show up online and I spend the morning saving the high-res images to my hard drive and staring in blissful wonder at the fulfillment of so many wishes.

Some Fantasy/Sex Mailbag questions for you. Sex first: A few weeks ago, I was out at a bar and started talking to a girl. Things went well and we exchanged numbers and texted each other the next day. Because I’m a dumbass, I didn’t really follow up with her and try to secure a date of some sort. We’re still friends on Facebook and she’ll occasionally ‘like’ a picture or status update I have, so I’m guessing there’s some interest from her. But I’m unsure of how to re-establish contact. I know calling her is the best way, but I’m unsure of what to say. I’d like to avoid “It’s [NAME], from [BAR] a few weeks ago. Um, call me!”

Do you have any pointers or advice on what my first few sentences should be?

There are going to be differing opinions on this one. Some of the older-school folks will claim that a phone call is most appropriate, because it takes more balls and is the most direct form of communication. But what happens if she presses “ignore” on your call? You go to voicemail and stammer out something that’s either too long and apologetic or too abrupt and uncaring, and then she doesn’t listen to it for two days because, honestly, voicemail is a fucking pain in the ass that everyone with text messaging has grown to hate.

I think a simple text message along the lines of “Hey, sorry I messed up and never asked you out. Can I buy you a drink/take you to the movies this week?” is all you need. If she responds with a yes, you text, “Excellent, I’ll call you tonight.” If she ignores you, oh well. Lesson learned.

Another option that I like is the Facebook message, but that’s because I like to communicate in more detail when I’m wooing a woman. If writing is one of your strengths, that may be a better option.

Fantasy Football: I’m in a keeper league and we can keep four guys. Your four keepers are effectively your first four picks. My team made the playoffs so I’ve got some options. Phillip Rivers and Michael Turner are the ‘duh’ keepers. But I’ve also got Jahvid Best, Marques Colston, Hakeem Nicks, Kenny Britt, Marshawn Lynch and Shonn Greene as options.

My gut says to keep Rivers, Turner, Nicks and Best. Thoughts?
The A-Train

I’d probably lean toward Colston over Best, but Jahvid is the bolder choice.

I really like all of your players, though. They’re not keepers, but I think Greene and Lynch could be sleepers next year: Greene is massively talented but devalued after a disappointing 2010 season, and Beast Mode is still young and playing for a Seahawks line that was young, injured, and playing in a new scheme last year.

**********

This next letter made the mailbag for its pure swagger: part life coach, part asshole, all confidence.

Cut the music,
Sex/bragging: I’ve anxiously awaited the mailbag every week, it’s hysterically funny and actually pretty great advice. But the whining has got to stop from some of you. It’s getting worse each week and I’ve noticed a trend where it gets real bitchy in the offseason which is ridiculous because it’s Spring/Summer and if you’re not busy pulling wool out of your teeth, then what the fuck are you doing? Life definitely sucks at times no doubt. I was on the verge of marriage with a looney bird (albeit a looney bird with amazing boobs, low self esteem and issues with dad, aka jackpot!) who called it quits with seconds to spare. Of COURSE she was fucking my friends, SURE she was fucking my coworkers, YOU BET she was fucking her coworkers, that’s normal crap to find out after a break up. But, don’t mope around when shit like this happens! Share sex stories and send naked pics to friends, family or random people and have fun with it.

Sure shit can seem real rough but it shouldn’t take long to realize how easy it can be to either go out and find some strange to take to pound town OR to find a non slutty girl to date, which is definitely the harder of the two. If you actually pay any attention the advice is always the same whether it comes from your buddies or the Don Juans at KSK: sit up straight, lose some weight, don’t be an asshole, don’t be a douche bag (they’re different), have at least one interesting thing to talk about, find your balls and then shave them because it’s just common fucking courtesy (get it? like literally ‘fucking’ courtesy, like sex, get it? fuck you, i don’t have to impress you). It really doesn’t take much to make this shit happen.

Also, stop asking about how you can stick your penis in some poor girls fart box! If you ask me it always ends shitty (pause for laughter) and don’t be a puss, if they like you enough for you to put them through that pain then be a man and let them stick a finger up your poop hole. I promise, you’ll never ask for anal again.

I don’t think I’ve answered an email about anal in at least a year. Those questions were browbeaten out of the mailbag ages ago.

By the way, screw your long-distance relationship moratorium, being in one is the best thing that’s happened in awhile.

Better than Osama bin Laden getting killed?

I’m going on 6 months in an LDR and it’s awesome.

“Hey everybody, go to hell with the repetitive subject matter! Now listen to me bring up the most worn-out mailbag subject of the last six months.”

Every week or two I get on a plane, have a ton of awesome sex, have someone tell me how handsome and fun I am and then fly home where I don’t have to deal with anyone’s day to day bullshit and they don’t have to deal with mine. Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t but right now all I’m worried about is that this girl is the nicest and coolest person I have ever met and without a doubt it’s the best sex I could ask for. She lets me do things to her that would make her father cry but at the same time she’s so cool that I couldn’t wait for my mommy to meet her and really what more do you want?

Well, bully for you. Scroll down to the comments to read what I’m sure will be nothing but praise and compliments about how awesome you are.

Football in the groin: There better be a GD season this year, I’m primed for making fun of Brady (because of how jealous I am), listening to Joe Buck (seriously can it get any better than this guy?) and critiquing everything my favorite team does (because, how the hell could they not have gone for two?! those freakin’ idiots). If there is a season, shortened or not do you have any advice for either trying starting a league or an approach to take for weaseling into an existing one? I just moved and I don’t like playing with people that I can’t harass in person but I don’t know how I should bring it up to people I barely know or gauge how seriously they would take it because FF is serious business.
Smash dem’ guts,
R. Goodells Weird Neck

Step 1: Lay off the Red Bull, Macho Man. You’re scaring away what few women read the blog.

If you want to be in a fantasy league with people in your area, spend your summer making friends. Go to the local sports bar tonight; if there are guys in tank tops yelling at the TV and cheering for LeBron in the NBA Finals, chat them up. I bet y’all will get along just fine.

**********

Dear KSK,
Sex: I really love my girlfriend. We’ve been together 3.5 years and now live together (after 2.5 years of long distance). She’s in med school and I’m graduated but have been unable to find a teaching job. I work a shitty job that pays me very very little and I can’t stand it anymore. This has caused no small amount of doubt (from me) about our relationship because my hatred of my job has sort of spilled over into hating everything about my life, including my girlfriend.

Seems healthy.

I moved to her city to be with her and hopefully start my career and then things would just progress naturally from there. But things haven’t happened that way and I find myself waking up everyday thinking about how I should quit my job and break up with my girlfriend and go somewhere, anywhere else and start over. I, for a while, felt like this feeling was solely generated by the hatred of my job/life but now I’m not so sure. I also feel like, after 3.5 years, she should have some sort of say and understanding about this decision. We’re both adults and we both should be able to sit down and talk about how our goals for the next five years (her: get married, have kids, become successful doctor. me: find a job) are totally different and how we have two different views on what everyday life should be like (her: I’m the stay at home dad. Me: I’m NOT the stay at home dad, in fact I’m not a dad at all).

Jesus, dude. She wants kids and you don’t. And you’ve been together 3.5 years.

*sigh*

NOTE TO KSK READERS — This dude is too late to help, but here’s a handy guideline: it is best to discuss whether you and a potential partner share the same goals for having a family sometime BEFORE you embark on a long-distance relationship for two and a half year, then move to a different city to live with that person, then live with that person for a year. And remember, this helpful advice comes totally free of charge. What a deal!

I honestly just don’t know if I have the stones to have that conversation because she’ll cry and I’m not very good with sticking to my guns when a woman is crying. But, if I know I’m going to say, at some point, “I think we should separate/break up” shouldn’t I just open with that? (We’ve already had one conversation involving how unhappy I am here and how I was going to look for jobs (including ones outside of teaching) in other cities and how that might make me unable to move/live with her for multiple years and that might cause us to break up. So this isn’t coming out of the blue.) I really do love this woman and want nothing but the best for her. I just feel like I am so unhappy that whatever I bring to the table isn’t good for either of us anymore.
-Sad Wagon

That’s tough, man. Being unemployed or employed at a shitty job for any extended period of time can be absolutely crushing. I feel you: I went through some lean times when I moved to New York City, burning through my savings and feeding on Ramen noodles and slices of pizza before landing jobs that sapped my spirit and barely paid the bills — and I didn’t even have a loving, caring girlfriend to help pay the rent and direct my unhappiness at.

Whoops, sorry. I was trying be sympathetic, you miserable son of a bitch. Given the tone of your email, your girlfriend has to be a goddam saint to put up with the dark cloud you must cast over the apartment.

We’re all responsible for our own happiness. Love, work, home: all that shit is ultimately controlled by you. You sound like someone who needs a change in at least one of those three categories. If you and your girlfriend can’t have a mature conversation about the future because you can’t handle the sight of a woman crying, you’re only sentencing yourself to a whole fucking ocean of tears down the road.

**********

Dear KSK,
Some eight years ago, give or take, a student at my school built a service into the school website called “Hookup.” People can log in using their school usernames, and can enter another student’s username into a list. Those students receive an e-mail telling them that someone has entered their name, but they can only see who it is if they enter the same person’s name on their own list, at which point both people get notifications that they have a match, and then awkwardness ensues. Like I said, the site was built years ago, and while apparently it was popular for a little while, its fell off the map pretty quickly, for fairly obvious reasons.

Flash forward to this winter: That same former-student is back at school as a guest lecturer (he turned out to be a pretty successful dude) and some idiot on the school paper (me) decides to write up a feature about his work, mostly because we needed to get some filler copy. One of the things that comes up in the article is “Hookup.” The site’s usage explodes immediately after the article comes out – keep in mind no one knew about this for years – and just as rapidly dissipates once people get bored guessing who added them, or realize it was just their roommates messing with them.

If I may:

Another rapid transition: Back in the fall, I met a girl at a party who I hit it off with surprisingly well – this is not something that happens to me all that regularly keep in mind. We didn’t hook up, mostly because her friends decided to be buzzkills, but shit happens. We flirt briefly on Facebook after that, but after a few days of radio silence the connection seems dead, and since we crossed paths maybe once for the rest of the semester, nothing came of that.

Coming back in the spring though, suddenly our schedules are a little more compatible, and we run into each other a decent amount. It’s all very flirty, and shit is going nicely. I keep hoping to run into her at a party, but no luck, so eventually I invite her to a party at my apartment. She doesn’t show up, and I’m sufficiently disappointed, etc. This is the same week that the article about “Hookup” comes out though, and I wake up the next morning to an e-mail saying someone added me. In my hopeful (and I think still slightly drunk) state, I add her name and, what do you know, it’s a match.

I don’t have her number at this point, so I have to find an opportunity to talk to her in person.

Or you could have contacted her on Facebook, smart guy.

It takes a few weeks (this happened just before spring break) but eventually I find the opportunity and the balls to ask her out, and she says yes. Victory for me, it seems, but when I try to actually have a date of any sort, she either is busy, or ignores my messages completely. I try a few different times, doing my best to avoid being annoyingly persistent, and eventually the semester ends with no success, and no real indication from her that she has any intention of ever going out with me.

My question is this: What the hell happened?

She wasn’t interested and/or you blew it.

Was she messing with me from the beginning?

I doubt it. She might have liked flirting with you when she was drinking, but then wasn’t interested in you when she was sober.

Did I do something wrong and scare her off?

It’s possible. You’re a young journalist, which means you’re probably an awkward weirdo with no game.

Do I owe the guy who built “Hookup” a high five for creating a good lead, or a deadarm for creating such a confusion (keeping in mind he was my professor this semester)?
Sincerely,
Not Getting Laid Via Journalism

It wasn’t a good lead at all. The good lead was you hitting it off at the party last fall. The “Hookup” part of this story is just a big red herring and waste of column space.

Forget the girl; it’s not worth the brainpower trying to figure out what went wrong. Just be more confident. Try to find a happy medium between your email and the rant above from the Coke Bandit, whatshisface, Goodell’s Neck or whatever.

**********

Dear Stone-age Swami:
FF first: I am the commissioner of a 16 team league comprised of mostly guys from college with a few random friends thrown in. About half the league lives in the same city and the other half is spread out throughout the country. Now that we are entering our second year, I need some advice on how to approach setting the league when its almost impossible to get a consensus amongst all the players. I don’t want to be a tyrant but it seems like the easiest thing to do is just set the rules myself to prevent an endless debate on the details. Some things that need to be decided are: Draft order (Random, inverse order of last years standings), Where to have the Draft (we did all online last year and I thought it sucked but it would be nearly impossible to get everyone in the same place), Keepers (yes/no, if so what round), Fees, Trophy ( I was thinking title belt at the start of last year but I almost don’t want to do it now b/c everyone will think I am copying Aaron Rodgers). Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

In order:

• Draft order: Random, decided ten minutes before the draft.
• Draft location: Online if you’re spread over the country; in person if you can get 75% of the owners in the same place.
• Keepers: Your job as commish is easier without them.
• Fees: Yes, variable depending on people’s employment. $20-$50 is normal for us middle class folk, though people with better jobs and gambling addictions may scoff at those numbers.
• Trophy: No. You’re adults. Money is your trophy.

Sex: My GF and I have dated for almost a year and a half, and we have lived an hour and a half apart the entire time (not really long distance but annoying non the less). She just lost her job and is talking about looking for work in my city. I am very excited about being in the same town and getting to see her more often. But, in order to move here she is going to have to live with me, at least temporarily, and I have never lived with a girlfriend before.

I love her but we have never been able to spend more than a week together because of our work commitments and I am a little scared about what would happen if it went south and she didn’t have any other place to go (right now her only friends in my city are my friends). I truly think this is the girl I am going to marry, but I am not the type of person to jump blindly into any situation. Am I wrong to suggest that she should try and find her on place as soon as possible, or should just man the F up and let it ride and deal with the fallout if it ever goes south.

I sincerely hope I don’t come across as a whiny lil bitch.
-Clever Pseudonym

I don’t think you’re a whiny bitch; your concerns are perfectly valid. The situation you’re in is like having a romantic picnic on a beautiful spring day in a flowery meadow that is littered with anti-personnel mines: it’s possible that you’ll have a wonderful time, but you’re right to be worried about losing your legs or ending up a bloody mist.

Obviously, having your girlfriend in the same city as you would be a great step forward for your relationship, but having her in the same apartment may put undue stress on you two, especially if her unemployment streak stretches longer than anticipated.

The best thing you can do is be open and honest about your feelings right now: tell her that you love her and you’re excited to have her closer to you, but express that her living with you might be too big of a leap and could actually hurt your relationship. Explore other options, like helping her find her own place, or seeing if her parents will help financially, or allowing her to crash at your place during the week while she interviews for jobs. IMPORTANT: you need to get her to see eye-to-eye with you on this, because if you let her move ANY of her big stuff in — table, books, armoire — be prepared for the possibility of her staying with you a LOT longer than planned.

First of all, a huge thanks to PUNTE for tackling last week’s mailbag. I think it’s important for us to change things up every now and again — both at KSK and in life — and should I ever succumb to a tragic death by blood clot because I spend too much time sitting down at my computer, you all would be lucky to have PUNTE wax on about bestiality every week.

Let’s get to your questions.

Dear KSK,
I recently got married to a wonderful woman. Like many married men, I carry some regrets about how I only get to sleep with ONE woman for the rest of my life, but it’s not a big deal – I take my vows seriously and I’m not going to cheat on my wife. I’ve got a perfectly good imagination I can use whenever I start feeling like I’m missing the variety of partners (or at least, the perception of variety) that I used to enjoy when I was a single. Which brings me to my fantasy question.

I have a female friend named Dawn that I have known for about as long as I have known my wife. Dawn was a gymnast at a Division I university and definitely qualifies as my “type.” We’ve never been (and never will be) anything more than friends, but at some point – I think it was after I got married – Dawn mentioned to me that she has taken nude photographs. I would like to see these photographs. I would like to see them very much. I figure Dawn would not have mentioned them to me if she were particularly shy about showing them. My question: on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being a disinterested shrug and 10 being a scorched earth divorce), how big of a deal would it be if I took a gander at these photos? I browse porn occasionally, and while I try to be reasonably discreet about it, my wife wouldn’t be particularly surprised or upset if she “caught” me. However, since it’s somebody we both know, this seems like it would be different. Especially knowing that there’s a good chance I will be fantasizing about a naked Dawn the next time I am intimate with my wife.
-Fantasy Semantics

Oh, hello there, gray area. Welcome to the mailbag.

Your dilemma is the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. Would accepting and looking at pictures of a naked Dawn violate your marriage vows? No, not unless you exchanged some crazy specific vows. But acquiring these photos, in my opinion, is the first step on a slippery slope: if you say yes to these photos, what’s to stop Dawn from some flirty G-chatting at work? Or maybe some friendly drinks the next time your wife’s out of town? None of that is cheating, but it’s not being a good husband, either.

Listen, as a horny male, I absolutely want you to get your hands on those photos, if only so you can forward them on to me. But being a man of integrity sometimes requires your brain to triumph over your cock. And frankly, I’d rather say a small, easy “no” to a friend’s nude pictures than attempt a big, difficult “no” after three drinks and her hand in my pants.

**********

Dear Captain Crunch (-ing Box),
FF First: I have the usual issues with paying dues that many other posters have, but I want to ask about draft location. My league is a bunch of guys recently out of college, with some starting careers, some in grad school, some working dead end jobs, some doing nothing. That said we want to organize a draft event that everyone can get into. We live in the greater Philadelphia area, so Atlantic City usually comes up, but I feel the economic restrictions for some members are prohibitive enough to stray away from that because I don’t want people worrying about money when they should be getting drunk and messing up their picks. Do you have any suggestions for a smaller scale event that we could make a weekend of?

I don’t see why A.C. should be out of the question. If you guys are young and just out of college, then you’re used to living in filth and tight quarters, so it shouldn’t be too much to put eight guys into two hotel rooms (financially soluble guys can get their own rooms if they want). Or get one big suite — excellent for hosting a draft party — and have the poor guys sleep on couches or in sleeping bags. Whatever the case, there’s probably an affordable combination of hotel rooms as long as the poor dudes are willing to share quarters. I mean, it’s Atlantic City, not Dubai.

If you want to keep it local, just host it at the home of whoever has the biggest open space. Buy a keg and order pizzas. If you have any friends on the Eagles cheerleading squad, see if they’ll serve the beer and give out lap dances for free. Hey, it can’t hurt to ask.

Sex: I have been dating a girl who I love for the past few months, but we (shockingly) live 2 hours apart. We talk on the phone every day for 30 – 60 minutes and I see her probably 3 out of every 5 weekends.

Whoa whoa whoa. Someone missed the memo that there’s a four-month moratorium on questions regarding long-distance relationships. I’ve done myself and everyone who reads this column the favor of deleting the rest of your question.

Feel free to submit your question again in September. (And if it’s a different question because you got out of the long-distance relationship, even better.)

**********

Dearest Internet Advice Man;
Relationship Advice: This, fortunately is not a traditional long distance relationship issue.

Thin ice, pal.

I graduated law school on the East Coast two years ago, and moved back to the Midwest. Over the last year I started communicating with a girl that I sort of knew through school through the Facebook. She graduated last week and is heading back to the town where I live at least for the Summer, and maybe longer. I would characterize our interactions over the last few months as flirtatious, but I’m really not good at identifying exactly what is flirting. We even hung out and had a few drinks a couple times when she was back for Winter Break, but we were both seeing people at the time, so it didn’t lead anywhere (besides a lot of fun and laughing). I’m well aware of the Caveman rule of “She Only Wants Attention,” (and have been burned by it before) so I never really thought it was going anywhere, until I realized she was coming back to town. She’s really, really funny, loves Hawkeye football, cusses almost as much as I do, hates all the same people I hated in law school, and is way out of my league beautiful. So, yeah, I’m interested.

Two parts to my inquiry:

1) Are there any keys I can look for in our past communication that would indicate genuine flirting, and not attention-seeking behavior?

Yep: physical contact. If she touches your arm or leg when she laughs at your joke, that’s flirting. If she isn’t touching you, try touching her arm or leg (keep it friendly, not creepy). If she reciprocates sometime during the conversation, that’s a green light for more flirting and possible kissing.

I can’t believe I have to write this down for an adult. This is like Flirting 101, dude.

2) Do you have any suggestions for delicately exploring a potential relationship? Important things to consider: we have an extensive network of mutual friends (we started talking because her best friend in law school is dating my friend from law school) and serious issues may arise if I misread some signals or act too aggressively.

So rape is out. Got it.

/crosses “rape” off list

She’s going to be studying for and taking the Bar Exam this summer, and I’m working two jobs, so time is going to be an issue. I’m relatively poor. She may have to leave town after the summer. The only thing I can think of is A) Trying to get shit faced drunk and hooking up, or B) just coming right out and telling her what I want, but the fear of rejection is high.

I think there’s a happy medium somewhere between A and B. You can have a couple drinks with her, try out your newly learned flirting tricks, and if that goes well you can be obvious about admitting you like her without being awkwardly direct. Saying things like “It’d be a shame if you leave after the summer, because I really enjoy hanging out with you” gives both you AND her more options than “I really like you and want to date you.” The former allows her to reciprocate and move forward OR, if she’s not interested, to gracefully back away without rejecting you outright. The latter approach puts her in the potentially awkward position of saying, “You’re a nice guy, but…”

Come on, you went to law school! You have to be able to read people better than you’re letting on.

Football: I don’t play fantasy, but I’d like to share this football related story:

I went to a D3 school to play offensive line. Our running back my Freshman year was Fred Jackson (now of the Buffalo Bills). The night before our homecoming game, our school did the coronation of the homecoming court at the pep rally bonfire. Fred was named king. When they described his future plans, the MC read: “Fred plans to play football at the next level after graduating from college.” When I heard that, my inner monologue said: “Dude, give it up, you’re an RB at a D3 school.” I liked Fred, and he’s a great guy, but I was predisposed to being more pragmatic in my goals. I’m so glad Jackson proved me wrong. For those of you that are unaware of his journey to the NFL, it’s amazing, and you should look into it. (His Wikipedia page is a good place to start)

Jackson inspired me to say “fuck it” and do what I love. The reason I have to work 2 jobs over the summer is because from August to May I make an underwhelming $15,000 a year as a D3 college offensive line coach, and I love every second of it. Thanks Freddy!
Lustily;
Broke-ass Lawya

Wow, that was all heartfelt and sincere. You’re weird, but you seem nice. Good luck with everything.

**********

Sir Sultan of Twat,
Sex first: About two months ago, I met an awesome girl via a close mutual friend. I spent a couple weeks concentrating on befriending her – going to yoga class, out for jogs, etc – but it was evident from the start that we had excellent chemistry. After a couple dates we finally hooked up and even though we tried hard to take it slow, things got serious pretty quickly. She would say things like, “I can picture you as my best friend” and “it feels like I’ve known you forever,” and it’s fair to say that I was equally smitten (oh yeah, and the sex was the best I’ve ever had, too). We spent about a month in this dream-like world, and in my opinion it just kept getting better. However about a week ago I noticed she was acting a bit cold. When I asked what was wrong, she basically told me that she was in a pretty fucked-up mental state and was “emotionally unavailable.” She tried to dampen the blow by telling me that I was the perfect guy and that I had said & done everything right, but that she just couldn’t see anyone right now. I reacted calmly, offering my consolation and understanding, and even said that we could try to be friends for the time being (stupid, I know – but I was pretty shocked & trying to salvage something). Now obviously I want more, but I know that stating this desire will only repel her further. My current plan is to tell her that I have no real expectations for commitment and that I just want to enjoy our time together in the present moment… but should I give her some time/space to get herself in a better place? Tell her how I feel when I see her next week? Or am I fucked, perpetually relegated to the dreaded ‘friend zone’?

I’ve been in your position before, and I’ve also been the person who put the out-of-left-field brakes on like that. In every case, there was someone else in the picture: I started dating someone else, or she was still tied to an ex-boyfriend but didn’t want to disclose details. It sucks every time.

Part of the burn in a situation like this is that you just don’t know why the fuck it happened. And I think you’d be justified in trying to get an explanation out of her if you phrase it the right way: “Hey, I thought we had something special, and I think I deserve a better explanation of why it happened. Whatever it is, you can tell me, etc.” Maybe you’ll get an answer. Maybe she found another, better-looking person. Maybe it’s family trouble she doesn’t want to entangle you in. Maybe it’s herpes.

Or maybe you’ll never know. Some mysteries go unsolved. Personally, I think you have the best chance of getting her back if you just cut her out and give her the cold shoulder. NOTE: this is also the best way to start getting over someone.

FF: I have a pathetic circle of friends. Every year they tell me they’re interested in playing but inevitably a couple miss the draft, beginning the downward spiral and the league is basically dead by October. Can I entice them to actually care by instituting a buy-in, or are these dudes pretty much hopeless? Should I just find a better group of friends who actually care about fantasy football?
Salacious in SF

Hell yes you need a buy-in. For some players, it will make them care a little bit more and make your league more fun. Others will still slack off, but fuck them: you have their money, and you stand a better chance of winning it if they don’t field a competitive team.

*********

Hello,

I do not have a fantasy question. I do, however, have a sex-related question that I would like a man’s perspective on.

Ooohhh, lady reader!

/combs hair

I have been dating a guy for a couple of months, and I like him a lot.

/messes hair back up

He is attractive, funny, and nice without being a pushover. We recently progressed to the sober (work night) sleep over, and this is where the problem comes into play. We had sex the first two times we had sober sleep overs, and both times, he finished within 2 minutes.

/combs hair again

After the first two sober times occurred, we have still been spending the night together sober, but not having sex. (We still have great sex when not sober.) I think that he is embarrassed about the quick finishes. I am willing to work with him on this — to be explicit, if he needs to have sex once quickly and have a longer second time, I am OK with that, or if he needs to beat off in the bathroom first, I am OK with that, or if he needs me to blow him first, I am OK with that. I know the key to this is clear communication, but I need some advice about how to start the conversation without embarrassing him further. Any advice you could give me would be much appreciated.

Thank you & please keep me anonymous.
-Janet P. Kozlowski
498 Grand Avenue
Alliance, Nebraska 69301

I’d keep two things in mind: (1) actions speak louder than words, and (2) the best time to talk about sex is immediately after sex. Allow me to flesh those ideas out, so to speak.

First, you say that you’re okay with various different things, like blowing him first or going for a second round of sex after the quick trigger. So just do it. The next time sober sex lasts two minutes, give him a minute to enjoy his orgasm, then grab onto his cock and don’t let him get soft. Pump that thing like a butter churn. Get on top and use him. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t, but if it doesn’t, you can say, “Sorry, I just love your cock and want more of it.” Which leads us to:

Point #2: the nice little post-sex glow is the best time to make the little rudder adjustments that keep the USS Coitus on course. With all the endorphins pumped into his brain will make him happy and receptive to a conversation about pleasing you a little more before he finishes.

And a final note: some men just have quick triggers. If that’s the case with your man, he’s likely to be self-conscious about it, so tread softly and compliment frequently. And make he gets you off orally first when he’s sober.

(images via the excellent glasscaseofemotion; and yes: that’s a fake name and address for Janet)

I always write the introduction to the mailbag last. Sometimes it’s good, because it allows me to introduce some of the overarching themes of the week in a meaningful way. Sometimes it’s bad, because I spend all day juggling sex questions and TV news and then I’m too tired to write anything besides, “Here are the questions!”

Today, I offer an apology. Four of the five submissions today seemed specifically crafted to push my buttons, and I kinda lost my patience and snapped a little bit. So, to the people who were so kind as to write in with problems they genuinely sought advice for: I’m sorry. I can get a little mean sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, baby. Come back next week and I’ll make it all better. I promise to be nicer in the future. *drinks whiskey*

Hola Captain-
FFB: Keeper League question. Who do you like as a developmental QB? I have one more year of eligibility with Brees, but he goes back in the pool next year. I’m hoping to draft a QB with a low pick this year and keep him for 2012-13. My thoughts from most obvious/expensive are Bradford, Newton, McCoy, then any of the other 2011 rookies. Who do you think might get themselves into a position to blow up?

Stay away from rookie QBs. Even with someone promising like, say, Matt Stafford a couple years ago, you still have to wait a couple years to get a return on your investment (and you might never get a return if that sonofabitch keeps getting hurt). Out of the current crop of young QBs, I’d guess that Sam Bradford is the best investment.

Sex: About a year ago, my girlfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. The final year had been long distance

Timeout. I’ve just come to a realization: there have been WAY too many questions about long-distance relationships over the last couple months. I’m sick of all you assholes in LDRs. If you had a girlfriend in the same city, you wouldn’t have all this time to sit at your computer and write about your problems. You could go on a date or something.

Anyway. Please continue.

and eventually it took its toll. It wasn’t a real clean break-up.

Good! Fuck yo’ long-distance relationship!

That winter we’d been awkwardly talking about dating other people while still being together and things like that. Obviously in hindsight we saw where things were eventually heading and were trying to make a bargain to save a failing relationship with a person we loved. After a great visit in the spring, things seemed to be looking up, but it didn’t last long and she started seeing someone else.

Note to future people writing into the mailbag: if you edit out needless and boring details like that, I’m less likely to interject with my asshole two cents.

I dove headlong into your standard post-breakup funk for the rest of the spring and summer, into the fall. I was/am dating other people during that time, but nobody special. The ex and I had continued talking on rare occasions, but she finally shut that down over Thanksgiving as the new bf was getting upset. I stopped texting/emailing and continued to try to get over her little by little. That was going ok until she randomly sent me an email about a month ago just to say hi and hope I’m doing well. This threw me off and got my head spinning about her again, so I took several days to send a simple reply to her. Soon thereafter she sent a more casual email asking for trivia help. I helped but also reminded her that it was her idea to not talk. After I preemptively apologized (I was a little snooty with my reminder,) she was very nice she said she understood and just wanted to check in.

DUMBASS. Dumbass dumbass dumbass. For the 3 millionth time, I’ll say this again: women like attention. They CRAVE it. She didn’t want to check in to see how you’re doing; she checked in because you stopped paying attention to her and she missed it. She could give two shits about your well-being or mental health; even though she has another relationship and doesn’t want to be with you, she STILL likes the texts and emails because it means that a man is thinking about her. You may think she’s being nice, but what she really is is selfish.

Meanwhile in the realm of much more important problems, my younger brother has cancer. After years of surgeries, chemo, radiation and repeated remissions, he’s scheduled to undergo an experimental treatment next week. I will be flying out the week after to keep him company when he gets out of the hospital. (He can’t fly back for a few days because he’ll literally be radioactive.)

“Up and at them!”

As it so happens, of all the hospitals in all the towns in all the world, the one that’s conducting this clinical trial is less than a mile from my ex-girlfriend’s house.

Now I’m not a big “fate” guy, but I feel like I have to do something.

Get punched in the dick until you come to your senses? I’m sure we have a reader nearby who will volunteer for that.

I’m not planning to pack my trench coat and boombox with Peter Gabriel cassettes, but I do want to see her and have a chance to talk. But how? What to say? Her recent attempts to reopen communication seem like a positive step (though I’m sure I’m overthinking it at least some.) I’m not expecting much, as I assume she’s still going out with that guy, but I know I would regret not taking the opportunity to see her in person and tell her how I feel. If this was a rom-com,

The fact that you mentioned a rom-com is telling. This is LIFE, not a movie. Your brother has fucking CANCER, man! Your flesh and blood could DIE, and you’re looking to play an angle so that you can win the girl back and live happily ever after. I can’t imagine what other idiotic imagery is bouncing around your head, but I assume there’s a kiss in the rain somewhere.

I’d just surprise her at work, profess my undying love and carry her off into the sunset while her coworkers cried and cheered. I’m hoping you can think of something slightly more realistic…

-RG

I hate you.

Don’t take that the wrong way. I don’t hate you because you’re obsessing over someone who isn’t treating you or her boyfriend fairly. I don’t hate you because you’re selfishly thinking about her when you should be taking care of your cancer-stricken brother (although that IS pretty shitty). I hate you because you’re making the same mistakes that almost every man makes at some point in his life. I’ve been head over heels for an ex that I couldn’t get back together with before, one who played tricks with my head and led me to think that I could eventually make it work. She was dating someone else and lived far away but we still stayed in touch and we had great chemistry and made each other laugh and all that bullshit. And I sounded just as naive and hopeful and romantic as you do now. I let that go on for years. YEARS! Years of my life pining for something that wasn’t meant to be. I was basically treading water with my life: I wasn’t going anywhere, and if I didn’t start going somewhere, eventually I’d get tired and drown.

Don’t call her. Don’t text. Don’t email. Stay by your brother’s side and focus on his needs. The next time your ex contacts you, tell her that you need to focus on moving on and that you don’t want to be in contact with her, and the nicest thing she can do for you is to respect your healing process. And then move on with your life, because there’s someone better out there: someone who lives close to you and has never hurt you and who lets you be the best version of yourself. Trust me on this. Moving on feels FANTASTIC.

**********

Hi Caveman,
Fantasy/Football: I was the highest scoring team by over 300 points in a non-playoff 12 person league last year and was in 1st or 2nd place for the entire year except in the final week when only the top two spots paid. Still kinda bitter about that one. Also, I’m a Carolina fan…so I pretty much hate my football life right now.

Sex-ish: I’ll start by saying I’m pretty sure what you’ll say, but I would appreciate the advice anyway (I’m guessing leave/ignore the girl or some derivative) since I’m too big a pussy to take the advice I dish out daily when it comes to similar scenarios of my own situation.

Currently, I live in London for a work/study program which is nearing completion. Prior to leaving the US, I began talking to a girl

I had previously dated in high school (10 years ago) and we became very close in a short period of time, although there was no talk of any kind of relationship other than friendship. The day before leaving for my year abroad, we finally managed to get together for an afternoon where we did anything sexual any two people could, minus actual sex. I was/am fine with what happened since she has some strange ideology when it comes sex, especially given our past (never more than a little kissing) and iffy at best future.

Without too much detail, the next few months we kept in contact on a daily basis, gchatting for hours a day, talking and looking forward to the potential future we had once I returned from the year away. Somewhere down the line, it became less of a friendship and more of an unspoken relationship without the relationship. A common saying was we were “together, but not together” as to not completely expect something that may never happen.

The only thing stupider than trying to develop a transatlantic relationship with someone who doesn’t put out is the phrase “together, but not together.”

Over the course of my months away, we have had our fair share of fights, and on a few occasions were serious enough where we stopped speaking for weeks at a time, which is unusual since we would gchat on a daily basis for hours at a time prior to the fights.

“Oh, it was terrible! I had to go out and experience London’s rich history, world-famous museums, and lively pub culture — when all I wanted to do was sit on my computer and gchat the girl who won’t have sex with me.”

Fast forward to last month when I went back to the US to visit friends and family over Easter week, including the girl in question. During said week, we were together nearly every day going out to lunch, dinner, sleeping in the same bed, working out together, showering together, and again, doing everything two people sexually could without actually having sex. Again, the reason was due to her views on sex and the unknown future; not ideal, but not exactly unexpected and not the issue at hand.

This is amazing. I didn’t think it was possible, but this email is actually more clueless than the first one.

Other than a few minor hiccups relating to needing some time away from each other due to specific personality traits, everything went as well as could be expected. We ended the time together with a fond farewell and positive thoughts for the future. Once I was back to my temporary home, we had a candid talk about how the week went, feelings for the future, etc. Essentially, she comes out saying she’s unsure about the future because she constantly flips between wanting to be together and thinking it’s a horrible idea both now and in the future. She claims she doesn’t want to lead me on but also wants to continue to talk on a daily basis and knows in a few minutes/hours/the next day that she’ll be all about wanting it to work again and how it’s only a temporary feeling of thinking it wouldn’t be a good idea to continue.

Since having that conversation, we have decided to take it easy and slow it down to the point of no expectations, similar to how it was when I had first moved to here. The first few days were fine, but inevitably we have fallen into the same old routine despite my best efforts to keep conversation light, non-committal, and less frequent as we had discussed previously. She continues to say how she misses me, wants me to come home, can’t wait till I come back, etc. I suppose my question is this: what’s my play here? I have all the opportunity in the world to live essentially wherever I want and pick the job that suits me best, regardless of her location, which she is hesitant to change. Any advice or suggestions are much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dumbassery in London

You’re fucking fired. That’s your advice.

**********

Dear CC,
Sex/Relationship: My ex-fiancee broke up with me about a year ago. Six months later, she got married to the last guy she had dated before me (when I met her she was not seeing anyone). This marriage was mostly caused by a custody battle she is fighting with her son’s father. She has admitted to me that she had to show resources for the court, so she did what she had to do to keep her son. Despite the short time-frame, I am certain she did not cheat on me and she has said she did not and that the guy popped back into the picture after she and I broke up. In any case, I have remained friends with her and we communicate on a daily basis, with communication initiated by her, which I know is not good. All of this could be a mailbag submission by itself, but that’s not the reason I am writing in.

Recently, her son was diagnosed with ADHD. She and I got to talking and we figured out that she has it too although she has never been diagnosed, much less treated. Tonight, after the Pacquiao fight, I was channel surfing and I stumbled on a PBS special on ADHD. I learned a lot of new information and then I did additional internet research. My mind was blown because all the issues we had in our relationship which were the cause of our breakup (sexual issues, fighting over unimportant things, her financial irresponsibility) were all tied to her ADHD.

I plan on telling her what I have learned. I found a good book that could help her deal with her ADHD and how it affects personal relationships and I will encourage her to get diagnosed and some treatment. My dilemma is this: I feel that with the knowledge I have now, we could have avoided and/or worked on those issues and the breakup could have been avoided. Obviously, I am not over her, considering I am still friends with her and in daily contact. By giving her this information, I know this will help her in her marriage, which I thought was doomed to fail.

Don’t get me wrong, I will go ahead and do the right thing and give her all the info. I am also strongly considering cutting off contact, which is hard considering we work 6 floors apart, but probably for the best. I have tried that before, though, and she contacts me and I go back to talking to her. I am just pissed off that it will help her be with someone else and not me. Yes, that is probably childish and immature, but I can’t help it. This was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now she will have a better chance to spend it with someone else. As a military man, I know you have previously chosen the greater good over your own selfish wants/needs. Any words of advice on how to deal with my own selfish desires and anger/resentment?

Lemme get this straight: you’re hung up on a married woman who had a kid with another dude, and she has an ailment that makes her pick fights and buy shit she can’t afford? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s not a rhetorical question, either. This woman sounds so completely unappealing to me that I can only assume you’re an amputee or a victim of horrible third-degree burns over 70% of your body. Because otherwise you can do better.

But let’s back this up. First of all, you’re not a doctor. You can’t diagnose someone with ADHD. And even though doctors today will diagnose ADHD in anything that isn’t an inanimate object, a successful diagnosis doesn’t make the problem go away. ADHD medication may help people focus, but it can also change personalities for the worse — people on ADHD meds often complain about feeling a loss of creativity, humor, or identity. So even IF her problems are tied to ADHD, and IF she goes to a doctor who gives her medication, and IF the medication works for her, she’ll still have to work on her problems. She was an unmarried mother who married a man for financial expedience; ADHD meds aren’t a guarantee that her marriage will work, and you’re not some altruistic savior because you’re giving her a book. Drop the martyr act.

And yes, cut off contact with her. Stop being so weak by indulging her every time she contacts you. You’ll lose the anger and resentment when you focus your energy on self-improvement. Exercise, volunteerism, and education aren’t just ways to redirect your broken heart; they’re also good ways to meet new people, make new friends, and screw new women. Hooray!

Fantasy Football: Last year we had a controversy over draft order. Some people wanted to do it based on the prior year’s finish. Others wanted to do it like we’ve always done: random draw out of a hat on draft night. Any thoughts on the subject?

Much appreciated and thank you for your service,
Lana Kane Aficionado

Because fantasy drafts are serpentine, I don’t think the first overall pick is all that advantageous, especially for the people who are already bad enough to finish at the bottom of the league. Go with the hat. More drama and excitement that way.

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Esteemed Internet Advice Columnists-
Fantasy: I am the commissioner of an amazing fantasy football league. Great group of guys, keepers, smacktalk, wheeling and dealing, funny emails, etc. We’re the league that most guys wish they could be in. We’re a couple of years old and have decided to pull out all the stops for the upcoming draft. Vegas here we come.

We have a fairly basic plan in mind, involving (I think) a good balance between hanging by the pool shooting the breeze while enjoying each others’ company and debauchery. My question is twofold: what sort of hangout:wangout ratio would you suggest for this long weekend in August, and do you have any advice for common scenarios we should try to avoid (or heists and scams we should initiate) while in Sin City?

It’s hard to stay abreast of what’s cool in Vegas: there’s always a newer, hotter casino or club or pool scene or underground party. And I’m a bad person to ask: I’m a particularly crusty 32-year-old with partial hearing loss who likes quiet conversation, strong drinks, and small parties.

My recommendation to you is a business called No Worry Nights. It’s run by a couple of young, laid-back guys who facilitate groups of people looking to have a good time. You know those douchey party promoters that grow like mold in Vegas? These guys are NOT like that. They’ll get you good deals on whatever kind of stuff you want to do, from bottle service to transportation to strippers.

Sex: We have a member of our league who may well be a virgin. We’ve tried on multiple occasions to set him up with ladies or give him prime opportunities to make the most of his ample charms. Sadly, he doesn’t ever bite. Our league buy-in is only $15, and with around 10 guys going to Vegas, what kind of cap does that put on our prostitute funds?
Kindest Regards,
Daniel Snyder Ocean

I’ll be straight with you: you’re too poor to fuck any Vegas prostitute you’d want to have sex with.

*********

Hey Caveman,
Football: Two questions: 1) Keeper choice between Braylon Edwards or Brandon Marshall? 2) Assuming Ronnie and Ricky are done, where do you take Daniel Thomas? Or is he just another Ryan Matthews in the making?

Oh, I don’t know. I’m all worn out from that long-distance relationship stuff above. I guess Marshall? And considering that the Ricky Williams/Ronnie Brown duo has frustrated fantasy owners for the last couple years, do you really think it’s smart to get the back-up who’s just going to enter another split-carries situation?

Sex: I have been fucking two different girls for the last couple months without either of them finding out. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where they both want to be exclusive. So, I have to decide between the two. Both girls are blonde and basically they same body type, not skinny but not fat either. So deciding on looks isn’t an option. Girl #1 is 21 and works at a clothing store. She’s more willing in bed, and judging from the ass play we’ve had before, anal is around the corner. She is however very quiet in the sack and harder to get off. Girl #2 is 26 and in the middle of med school. We haven’t really done anything adventurous in bed (just missionary and her on top), but she is very vocal and gets off rather easy (at least 3-4 times per session). FYI, I’m 27 and just finished law school. Who should I pick? Or should I just dump them both and try to bang more girls before I turn 28?

Thanks,

Sexual Fantasy Conundrum Guy

They’re both blonde with similar bodies, huh? Golly, that’s a tough one, mister. If only there were some other aspect to them besides the way they act in bed. I mean, if only these women that you’ve given no consideration to for the last couple months had personalities, then I might be able to weigh in on your decision. But you conveniently reduced them to the only qualities that truly matter in women, so I can’t decide.

The younger one seems good because she’s probably going to be hotter for longer, plus she’s down for anal. And who cares if she gets off? Am I right, bro? Up top!

But the older one is all freaky and loud! Plus, she’s in med school, so she’ll be super-busy for the next ten years and really easy to cheat on. You really win either way, but definitely keep screwing both of them as long as possible.

(You are an asshole.)

I’d like to thank the readership this week for submitting almost no emails whatsoever, as I was really tired and unable to write about anything too heavy after the last couple weeks, which were all traumatic and filled with rape and murder. So consider this a a nice little back-off week — like an easy yoga class after a bunch of punishing workouts. Hey! Speaking of yoga…

Happy Sinko Day My-Oh Masters of the Wizard Sleeve,
Sex, sort of: I just recently took up yoga and was wondering the etiquette of hitting on gals there, if there is any. I am well aware of your stance on hitting on girls at the gym, but was wondering if it was any different within the confines of the yoga studio. I feel as though the combination of the ratio of (hot) chicks to dudes (19:1, I did count) plus the somewhat and curiously endearing factor of me being absolutely clueless of what I am doing would equal an absolute mistake on my part if I did not take advantage. Is the yoga studio a safe, non-threatening haven for chicks, or is there an appropriate and tasteful way I could ask a lady out after class?

I used to take bikram yoga (aka “hot yoga”) — mostly because it was the only yoga that really felt like an ass-kicking workout, but partly because people wore the bare minimum of clothing, and there were always a couple girls with unbelievable bodies. I mean absolutely SICK bodies: willowy limbs, flat stomachs, awesome round asses. Then they got all sweaty and pulled their legs over their heads, and, well… it was distracting. It’s like a pleasure cruise for your eyes, except you’re supposed to be looking at yourself while you balance on one leg. Not easy.

Anyway, I think you can ask a fellow yogi out, but you need to establish yourself as a regular first. You have to appear to be a guy who’s there to take yoga, not a guy who’s at yoga to pick up girls. Once you get in the habit of engaging in bullshit yoga small talk (“Hey, great class!” “Your standing bow is awesome!”), you can branch out into slightly more meaningful conversation, then eventually drop the ol’ “Hey, I’ve got to go [volunteer at a veterans hospital / meet friends at an underground jazz festival / feed my cats and watch "Grey's Anatomy" by myself], but maybe we can get a drink some time and talk some more?” But make sure you choose your hot yoga girl wisely. It’s not going to be easy to ask out various girls from the studio without becoming the creepy guy everyone wants to avoid.

ADDENDUM: I’ve said repeatedly in the past that men should never try to pick up women at the gym. I think a yoga studio’s vibe is sufficiently different to allow fraternizing: not only is it “safer” because of the largely female clientele, but it’s also a group activity versus a collection of people with headphones doing individual workouts.

Football: This is a two headed question about the same person; C) Is Jacquizz the best first name in football? and %) I am definitely going to be drafting Mr. Rodgers. Is it safe to assume he will be around for my last pick, or will the 66 inch backup to Michael Turner warrant a higher draft spot?
Namaste,
Franklin Bluth

Jacquizz may very well be the best first name in the NFL, but until he becomes a fantasy stud and gets himself a Super Bowl MVP, “Mr. Rodgers” can only be Aaron. Oh, and if the other owners in your league are even remotely savvy, there’s almost no chance of you seeing Jacquizz in the final round. People draft handcuffs to top running backs well before that.

**********

Dear KSK,
FF: I’m the commissioner of a ten-team league and six of the ten teams teams have continually been a league together since eighth grade (we’re all graduating college in a couple weeks) and the other teams are some of my college buddies. Because we’re all about to be spread out all over the place, and because it’s an absolute hassle to get twenty bucks from anyone, I suggested that we do away with dues. Some people complained saying that it wouldn’t be as competitive anymore, but I argued that because we’ve all been in a league together for so long and because it’s a keeper league we’d all still care. What do you think?

PayPal.

Sex: I usually tend to break off relationships before a serious emotional commitment becomes necessary but over the past five/six months I’ve fallen for this really amazing girl who I met completely incidentally (and who goes to another school). It makes absolutely no sense for me to get involved with her: she’s a junior, and although I’m gonna be living in the city that’s her hometown (and will probably be after she graduates), a lot is going to happen in the next year: I’m going to be going abroad a bit for job training, she’s going abroad for her first semester of senior year, I’m graduating now, followed in a year by her graduation…among a million other things. It’s stupid. We’ve had a “talk” and decided on a “we won’t jump into anything now and will see in the future” approach and I’m sure I’ll see her a decent amount over the summer…but I can’t help but feel shitty about the situation. I don’t know whether it’s an “obstacle is the key to desire” type deal where because I know I can’t be with her I kind of pump up the idea of being in a relationship in my head or whether it’s actually the fact she’s the first really special girl I’ve met since my last serious girlfriend. Could be both. And obviously both of us are gonna change a lot in a year — it’s dumb to just expect everything to be the same. I’ve talked to a bunch of friends about it and they all said the same thing — “don’t sweat it if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.” Anyways, I can’t help but just feel remiss about the situation and was hoping for some advice on how to handle not being able to be with the girl I like for reasons out of my control.
-Steve

Well, I think you’ve done an excellent job of staying grounded and being realistic. Sometimes things just suck, and your best course of action is to wait and see what happens.

**********

Dear KSK,
I can keep 3 of these 5, Vick, Foster, R. White, G. Jennings, M. Turner. And yes, I won my league last year.

Vick, Foster, and White. Nothing resembling a hesitation on that one.

Sexy time, I started sleeping with a now ex-coworker when we stayed late at work one night, grabbed food/drinks before going back and working a few hours (my boss was there, best boss ever) then she claimed she was to drunk to drive home. I had a poker game at my place, so I said come back, hang out, go home whenever. When I asked if she wanted anything else to drink she said “If I have anymore to drink, you’ll have to drive me home and stay there.” So taking the hint, I got her more and even though she had one over the course of 5 hours, drove her home and good times rolled.

Told her I was just looking to have fun, not a serious relationship, love is not in my near future after being single from a 6 year relationship for about 3 months at the time, so of course she says she’s falling in love within the first month. Crazy bells went off and I kept sleeping with her due to the green light for anything involving 2 people in the bedroom being welcomed by her, but the relationship was going nowhere. 6 months in, she brings up the love thing again, asks where it’s going, I say nowhere and haven’t ever lied to her or led her to believe it was going anywhere, so she splits with me.

2 weeks later she goes through some shit with one of her kids, she’s 36 with 3 kids I’m 28 with 0 but I work with them, and we talk after work, I go spend the night without trying to get any, but after not falling asleep for about 2 hours she rolls on top of me and put herself to bed so to speak. That was February, and I slept with her again for 2 months until she brought up the kids at which point I said it’s not going anywhere, you need more and I don’t want the kids involved, we should end this. Range of emotions comes out from anger, to crying, to understanding, to trying to get me to sleep with her at the end of the night. I decline, then get a message later that I should come over 2 days later for “closure” meaning sexy time. I decline that also, few days go by, another attempt to get me to go over, not happening. It’s to the point where she’s openly telling me what she wants/”needs” me to do to her and it’s pretty graphic and I haven’t gotten any in 3 weeks now so at some point my resolve will weaken. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? I’m well aware she was in love with me, which after 3 weeks I’m sure those feelings are still there, but she’s basically telling me to come use her body and I can’t help but think she’s asking for emotional abuse too. Am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong and to go fuck her and enjoy the booty call.
Regards,
Rosy Palms current best friend

I’ve always said that it’s okay to have post-breakup sex twice*. It’s like weaning yourself off cigarettes: really difficult to do cold turkey. Besides, the two people know all the ins and outs (so to speak) of each other’s bodies, and it seems like such a waste not to get laid just because the relationship isn’t going to work.

But I maintain that you should only ever do that two times. You did it for two MONTHS. And if you backslide again, you’re just going to start the process all over again. She’s gonna be all lovey-dovey, and you’re just going to hurt her again, and you’ll find yourself in this same goddam boat in another six weeks until she wears down your patience and you end up exploding at her and yelling, “GODDAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!?!?” Better to cut her out of your life in no uncertain terms so that she can start getting over you and move on (and raise her kids).

**********

Dear….wait, come back to me…I had something for this,

+1 for the Archer reference

After a recent mind-blowing revelation that apparently it’s now okay to use one space after periods, the theme of this email is current trends I don’t understand.

Football: I’ve played FF for many years now, and it was always an iron-clad rule that you had to have a sick running back to win.  Then came the trend of platooning backs and people started to say that you should use high picks on an elite QB.  I switched up my game and got massacred the past two years.  The guy who racked up the most points by far last year had Hillis, McCoy and Rice and then at QB…the Sex Cannon and Kitna.  I had Aaron Rodgers and Andre Johnson and some mildly productive backs and didn’t even sniff the playoffs. So, WTF do I do this year?

Recognize that there are a few elite players at every position, and do your best to get those guys on your team. I’ve never understood people who are locked into this mentality of “I have to draft RB-RB-QB-WR” or whatever. Got the first overall pick? Then take Chris Johnson or Jamaal Charles or Arian Foster. Got the tenth pick? Then take Aaron Rodgers or Michael Vick or Andre Johnson. I’d rather pick a player I KNOW is awesome than draft Frank Gore in the first round and hate myself.

Sex: A friend of mine who works for our state healthcare benefits program said that our state is considering doing away with coverage for circumcisions.  She said that pediatricians have testified that about 70% of the lads in this state still get cut, but that it’s at 50% now in other states.  And that San Francisco is considering some law making them entirely illegal (for what it’s worth, being San Francisco and all).  I was shocked by all this.

Fucking San Francisco. When I’m declared God-King, one of my first acts is going to be importing 40,000 rednecks into the city limits, so that pistol-whipping becomes a common occurrence for aggressive panhandlers and asshole progressives.

I just assumed most people were cut, but that’s apparently not the case.  I remember in college girls would make a big deal about how shocked they were to come across a non-circumcised dick, as it was a rarity.  I also remember a poor SOB in our middle school getting mocked soundly in gym class for being the only one not cut.

There was once a lot of talk about circumcisions reducing the risk of HIV and other STDs, but I’m not sure of the truth of that.  It might have just been propaganda spread by the powerful mohel lobby.  I just thought it was religious/traditional.

So what’s the deal these days?  Will we someday live in a country where being cut puts you in a minority? I’d thank you to alleviate the swelling of my mind grapes.
John

I’m not an expert on circumcisions, and I don’t want to rehash the arguments for or against them, so I’m going to quote our old friend Wikipedia:

The Ancient Greeks and Romans valued the foreskin and were opposed to circumcision – an opposition inherited by the canon and secular legal systems of the Christian West that lasted at least through to the Middle Ages, according to Hodges. Traditional Judaism and Islam have advocated male circumcision as a religious obligation.

The ethics of circumcision are sometimes controversial… Modern proponents, such as Morris, argue that circumcision reduces the risks of urinary tract infections, penile cancer, HIV, balanitis, posthitis, phimosis, and prostate cancer as well as conferring sexual benefits. In contrast, opponents of infant circumcision often question its effectiveness in preventing disease, and object to subjecting newborn boys, without their consent, to a procedure they consider to have questionable benefits, significant risks and a potentially negative impact on later sexual enjoyment.

As an average circumcised dude who’s had a couple conversations with ladies about cut-versus-uncut before, here are my random thoughts on the matter:

• A circumcised dick is much easier to keep clean (I’ve heard women who’ve been with uncut guys complain about the smell).
• Penises are inherently gross-looking, but ones with foreskins are SUPER gross. You ever seen porn where the guy has a foreskin? Ugh, might as well masturbate to NatGeo.
• Since the foreskin has lots of nerve endings, uncut dudes may very well have more pleasurable sensations during sex than I do. I’ll obviously never know the difference. However, the whole “Let a man choose” argument is preposterous. Nobody’s going to CHOOSE to get a piece of their dick cut off. And if for some reason a grown man WOULD choose to get a circumcision — at the behest of a woman, no doubt — then he’s going to be massively disappointed when he all of a sudden has less sensation during sex. If it’s going to happen, it should happen the dude’s a baby and has no chance of remembering it.
• My pro-circumcision bias aside, there are few things as terrifying as a botched circumcision story. I think we had one in the mailbag once. JEEZUS. Utterly horrifying.

So, to answer your question, what’s the deal these days? I dunno. I don’t know enough new parents with sons to know if they’re getting the procedure done, and I don’t see enough dicks to judge the state of the populace. Maybe you should ask your mom. BURN!

Draft day mailbag! Let’s get right into it.

Dear KSK,
Football first: We’re allowed just one keeper in my 12 team league, and while the obvious choice a year ago would’ve been CJ23, I’m leaning towards Jamaal Charles because he seems more fresh. Or do I just go with Tom Brady?

I think you’re right to pick Charles. Don’t get me wrong: Chris Johnson is still an amazing running back (and fuck you for having him and Jamaal and Tom Brady on your fantasy team at the same time), but I think Charles is posed for an even more dominant year in 2011. Keep in mind that he was third in rushing yardage in the NFL without being his team’s primary back. Oh sure, Charles put up much better numbers than Thomas Jones, but that’s only because Todd Haley hates fantasy football more than he likes his job. The knock on Charles is that he doesn’t get into the end zone, which is an expediently stupid way of ignoring his OBSCENE 6.4 yards per carry and more than 10 yards per reception. Jamaal Charles is a live wire: an electric current capable of holding a football.

Sex–ish: In one of my undergrad classes there is an extremely attractive grad student who is probably at least 6-7 years older than me. According to some friends of mine she’s giving me some clear signals but the fact that she’s much older and crazy hot gives me pause. We also are coworkers in a very large company where word gets around; although we rarely see each other there (different hours). I keep telling myself she’s way out of my league and trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m afraid my curiosity is going to end up making me look stupid. Is there a chance for me or should I just listen to my brain telling me to leave well enough alone?
-thinking I may be reaching too far

Well, the deck is certainly stacked against you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t try. The typical complaints about younger men — and college men in particular — is that they’re immature and just want to do awesome stuff like drink beer and smoke weed and play video games. Thus many women, understandably, gravitate to men with jobs and pants that fit.

But regardless of age, women want men who are confident. So if you’re going to ask her out, just go up to her after class and say, “Hey, do you wanna get coffee some time?” It’s good for you, because it’s not like you’re asking her out-out, and it’s good for her because it’s just coffee — she can suss you out in a well-lit setting without fear of getting roofied and waking up dead. (Also, if you’re not 21 yet, it saves you the embarrassment of getting turned away by a bar’s bouncer after she’s already gone inside.) If she says yes, then you’re already halfway there. Just be sure to wear pants that fit and talk about your non-video game hobbies.

**********

Caveman,
FF: None as i’m into fantasy baseball right now and I have no real problems with my fantasy football leagues but I just love reading the columns so I figured I’d try a submission.

Okay, let’s do this! Your confidence and enthusiasm is positively ELECTRIC.

Sex: I’m interested in this girl as we have a lot in common, she’s fun, energetic, interesting, and more. She’s cute, but I feel like she could exercise a little more. I really enjoy my time with her; however, we are currently about 60 miles apart. She’s in law school and I work and am in grad school. She used to be a fantastic swimmer and in law school she stopped really going to the gym as much and it’s starting to show. Now this is not to say I’m vain but I would like to see her take care of herself. I feel if we were in the same place things would be different because I suggest her coming with me to the gym or on a run. So my question is this: how do i suggest her going to run/swim/gym? Or do I just have to accept it for now because we are far apart and a serious relationship really isn’t in the forecast?
-Part Time Ninja

Let me get this straight: you’re interested in this girl, but she lives an hour away and needs to lose some weight? My, but you have exacting standards.

I don’t know, Mr. Ninja. I’ve been bouncing ideas around in my head for ways you could bring this up to your girlfriend, and then I realize that she isn’t even your girlfriend. I understand that you’re attracted to her personality, but broaching the exercise/body appearance topic with a woman you’re not even dating is a minefield I wouldn’t want to enter. She’s either cute enough for you to date as is, or you should date women who better fit your mold. Hell, you go to grad school. There’s a campus! Don’t tell me you don’t have other options.

**********

Hey Caveman,
Fantasy football: I am the commissioner of my football league (and have been for 5 or 6 years) and quite frankly I’ve been sucking badly the past few years. I have finished in the bottom two, two of the last three years, and although I made the playoffs in 2009-10 it was pretty much solely because of Chris Johnson. I’m not that great and care a lot more about baseball than football. My question is should I step down and let someone else take commissioner, or as long as I’m fair does it not matter that I don’t care too much and that I suck?

Who gives a shit? Nobody needs the commissioner to have a good team. Just set up the draft and adjudicate disputes fairly.

Sex: I’ve been talking with this girl since about January and although we have never been physical I’m gaining the sense that we both have feelings or each other, and she’s the kind of girl that I think might be worth locking down. Problem is she is from my hometown and our colleges are about two hours apart. This wouldn’t matter much as summer break nears, except I’m leaving for an internship that is about half way across the country a week after I get out of school. Now I know you aren’t a big fan of long-distance relationships but I’ve been doing the hit it and quit it thing for a little bit and getting a little bored of it. The thing is I’ve never really been in a real relationship and don’t really know how to approach her and try to make things “official” or exclusive. I’m also against the clock as I will only have about a week to hang out with her before I leave. So how should I approach her and try to see how she would feel about getting in a relationship?
-J.C.

I’m going to try to phrase this as delicately as possible: you are retarded. “I’ve never been in a real relationship before, but I thought I’d try to start one during the one week I have at home so that I can spend my summer internship in a long-distance relationship.” Dude, I give advice. I don’t work miracles.

Listen, I totally understand being tired of booty calls and drunken hook-ups and all the other amazing aspects of college life. So let’s just say you somehow start up a relationship during the week that you’re home packing and catching up with friends. Then you go off to a shiny new city that’s filled with exciting sights and bars you’ve never been to and girls you’ve never seen. And one of your fellow interns is a beautiful girl named Amanda. Everyone in the office wants to hook up with her, but she’s creeped out by the older guys and wants to bond with you because you’re in the same position, and her auburn hair tumbles down past her shoulders and she always wears a shirt that offer just a hint of cleavage and she smells like a spring meadow at dusk. The two of you often talk over lunch about hoping you get jobs with the firm after you graduate, and you get an erection at your desk when you think about her.

Now who’s the asshole with a long-distance girlfriend? Oh, that’s right: it’s YOU.

Obviously, that story is fictional because no female on the planet is interested in a male intern, but it serves a larger point: you’re young and unattached and about to embark on a summer in a new place. You might be mentally ready for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have the right circumstances for one. So go home after the school year, hang out with your girl, hook up with her if that’s in the cards, and by all means tell her that you like her and you want to stay in touch over the summer. Maybe she can even visit you. But don’t rush into anything or make any promises.

**********

Bonjour Boner Buddies!
Football ALWAYS first: Fuck, there’s nothing to talk about in football this time of year, is there?

Well, there is this little thing called the NFL Draft that starts today.

Uh… is Mike Vick worth a first-round pick? He’ll ONLY break his leg if I draft him, right?

I think Vick is a top-tier fantasy quarterback, and I’d happily take him late in the first round or early in the second round. And yes, he will almost certainly break his leg if you draft him.

Sex: My girlfriend has sexual dreams of her with other women, and no, I’m not in them. No toys. Nothing fancy. She says it’s just naked kissing and sometimes fingering. Is this normal? I’ve noticed she likes looking at naked woman more than most girls I know. She says she likes admiring the bodies of woman she wishes she looked like, but that she’s not sexually attracted to them. Well, I’m not sexually attracted to men, hence why I don’t have dreams of messing around with them. Is this a girl thing, and more importantly, can I finagle a three-some out of this? Please say yes, but only if you really mean it.
Sincerely,
AAAW YEEEAAH! *Hi-Five*

This is a girl thing. Many straight women enjoy looking at other women with a mix of jealousy and non-sexual attraction that most straight men don’t really understand. And while your girlfriend’s softcore lesbian dreams may suggest that she’s less than 100% heterosexual, it’s also important to remember that dreams aren’t always a window into someone’s soul. Sometime they’re just random shit your brain cooks up while you sleep.

Anyway, men and women are just programmed differently when it comes to looking at members of the same sex. If you’re gunning for a threesome, approach it the same way you would with any new sexual act you want to try: by having a frank discussion about fantasies. Maybe she’ll yes, maybe she’ll say no. What do I look like, some kind of qualified psychologist?

**********

Dear KSK,
Final Fantasy Football: Dude, I’m over it. Don’t get me wrong, I will still be an ardent reader of your wonderful site while living and breathing professional football. Hell, I will probably even still play fantasy football out of the same compulsion that causes criminals to steal a pack of gum even after they’ve found Jesus.

I just don’t want to talk about playing fantasy football anymore. I’m tired of discussing bad beats, mindlessly arbitrary rules, and all the other facets that suck me dry of enthusiasm as a fan of the actual games. I remember being a teenager and thinking no further than, “Natrone Means came out of nowhere, how exciting!” As an adult, I can’t simply enjoy the emergence of Arian Foster from the ether because one of my loser friends stayed up until 4 a.m. to scoop him off waivers.

Chide me if you will, good sir.

Nah, those all seem like legitimate gripes. I love playing poker, but I absolutely HATE bad beat stories. It’s like, c’mon, you’re GAMBLING. What do you think is gonna happen?

Now with that self-indulgent but necessary bit of whining off my chest, it’s high time I asked a sex question.

I’ve smoked pot on a regular basis for a decade plus. I’ve learned to dose my intake based on the impending activities I’ll be undertaking. Staying in to watch a movie? Let ‘er rip. Going to a bar to meet friends? Stay medium and mellow. Funeral? Stick to water.

Up until my current relationship, one of my favorite activities to enjoy while zooted was sex. I found that being high enhanced my appreciation of every nuance and made the physical sensations more intense. However, for some reason, the greenery saps me of any desire when with my new girl. It’s kind of odd since ours is the best fornicatin’ I’ve ever fornicated while sober.

So my question is this: can the biochemistry between two people impact the effect of buds and booze on one’s libido? Maybe my subconscious is saying I simply don’t need any enhancement since she is extremely attractive and my emotions for her are stronger than the kushest of kush, but I can’t helping thinking a higher level with her would be nirvana.
-Pocket Rocket Man

So what’s the problem? That you’re enjoying sex without smoking pot? Congratulations, you’re in a mature relationship with someone you like and/or you’re showing signs of growing up.

Take this advice from a heavy drinker: unless you’re only having the doctor-approved single glass of red wine a day, doing less/fewer drugs — be it alcohol, weed, pills, or anything harder — is ALWAYS a good thing. Just enjoy your fantastic sober sex. Seriously, why did you even write me this email?

**********

This next letter is a response to one of last week’s emails. In case you don’t remember, Lil Wayne Chrebet wrote:

Pretty much every girlfriend and any other female friend I have had over the years has at some point told me that they were molested at a young age. I’ve heard stories of fathers, uncles, babysitters, religious figures, and family friends molesting them… are we just that fucked up of a society where a girl can’t make it to the age of 10 without someone molesting her?

Since I’m not an expert, I cited what statistics were on Wikipedia. Thankfully, a female reader replied and used this opportunity to segue into a discussion of rape.

Dear KSK,
I used to volunteer as a legal advocate for survivors of sexual assault, and whenever this fact would come up in conversation it would often lead other women to disclose some incident that had happened to them. I don’t necessarily mean legal-definition rape here (though there were a scary number of those), but just among the dozen or so women I am closest to, every single one has some form of sexual assault in her past. And no, I’m not exaggerating this for effect or anything. Literally every single one.

Just among the women who managed to escape the worst (so to speak), one fought her way out of a car and ran two miles home to get away from a boyfriend who didn’t want to stop when she told him to, another had a boss trap her in a storeroom and feel her up, another had a guy follow her into a bathroom at a bar and rip her shirt off, another had three men dry hump her against her car in a parking lot until someone else scared them off…the list goes on and on and on. At some point in the life of literally every woman I know, some asshole has at least threatened her with rape in a very real and terrifying way. The statistics don’t even scratch the surface of how prevalent this shit is.

I apologize for the enormous dose of depressing, but this is as close as I can come to explaining how unbelievably fucked it is to be a woman in this society. Please return to your regularly-scheduled dick jokes.

I appreciate you writing in, even if your sole purpose was to leave a gigantic, rape-y turd in the punch bowl. I can’t for a second imagine the various difficulties and pitfalls of being a young woman subject to unwanted advances from men, and yet I still find something off-putting about your email. As much as my heart goes out to all the women you described, I take issue with your assertion that being a woman in today’s society is “unbelievably fucked.” I’d like to downgrade it to “believably fucked.” Women in Africa and the Middle East are unbelievably fucked. They get their clitorises cut off or they get AIDS as teenage prostitutes or they get stoned to death for adultery after someone besides their husband rapes them.

In terms of opportunity for education and employment, America in the 21st century is probably the pinnacle of female existence throughout human history. Yes, OBVIOUSLY we still have a long way to go, and perhaps our patriarchal past allows the lesser men you described to act on base impulses, but we also enjoy a democratic society and the rule of law that can punish those acts. You can’t say the same thing for Iran.

Again, I’m not trying to belittle or demean the gravity of rape and sexual assault that so many women experience — I’d like nothing better than to personally mete out the death penalty to child molesters. What I’m trying to say is that American society is more good than bad, and that we still favor the courageous to the cowardly.

**********

dear ksk,
Im a 21 yr old with severe self esteem issues. I have a really prominent nose, and huge frontal ears that got me picked on as a child. I was called bunch of names that affected my viewpoint of myself. It didnt help that my parents lost our home when i was 17 and i was forced to drop out of school in order to work to help pay the bills. Thankfully, i got my ged and have taken clep credits and i’m ready to enroll to a university next year. My problem is the following; i want to have a better experience this time (from high school) around and i think that plastic surgery would truly help. However, my parents who are not paying one cent for the procedures, have told me that they would disown me if i went through my surgeries. My parents (old school mexican) viewpoints of the procedures are that this is how god made me and i should deal “with the cross that he gave me.” Should i risk the surgeries and my family’s banishment for what some consider a pointless exercise?

I truly believe that the surgeries would help me become less conscious of my looks and help with my confidence with the ladies. Considering i had to sacrifice my teenage years for the family, should they have the right to manipulate my life now as an adult?
thanks,
living in the cleanest bathrooms in texas

Oof, that’s a tough one. I’m somewhat sympathetic to your parents: you are, after all, a product of their DNA. Because you don’t want the features that they gave you, they probably feel that you’re rejecting them. By changing your appearance, you’re sending a message to them that they somehow failed to make you correctly. Their threats to disown you, I suspect, stem from a fear of their child rejecting them. (DISCLAIMER: I have never in my life taken a single psychology course or read any textbook on the subject.) That said, it’s not right for your parents to try to manipulate your decisions as an adult — though that’s never stopped any other parent before.

The ideal scenario here, of course, is that you realize you’re perfect the way you are, blah blah blah, then we all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” But the fact of the matter is that a LOT of us change our appearance to feel better ourselves. Many endomorphs embark on life-long trials of diet and surgery to be thin. Women dye their hair to hide gray hair or just to get a different look. And getting braces to straighten our teeth is practically a rite of childhood. Think about it: is a mouth full of crooked teeth any less attractive than a big nose or radar ears?

My point is, the line is blurry when it comes to “correcting” what we don’t find attractive about ourselves. If a small-breasted woman feels like she’d be more confident and happy with breast implants, then she should feel free to get them. Ditto for you and your features. You should be able to look at the mirror and feel comfortable with what you see without worrying about being disowned. Ideally, that comfort comes from mental acceptance and not surgery, but we don’t often inhabit an ideal world.

So, right. Your parents. The surgery. I don’t know what to tell you except that you’re still a young man with a lot of life in front of you, and this is a big, irreversible decision. If I were to make this sort of choice, I’d want the support of my friends and family. Maybe that means wait; maybe that means convince your parents to join your side.

Before we begin today, I’d like to respond to some criticism from last week’s mailbag.

In case you don’t remember, one reader talked about a woman who lost interest in him after he turned her down when she was drunk. Personally, I think it’s foolhardy to turn down sex, but my response — which perhaps lacked perfect clarity — led commenter “stinkdaddy” to say this:

Haha, that second guy was too much of a pussy to commit sexual assault! What a loser! Really Ufford? You don’t know the difference between taking advantage of bad judgement and boning someone who is “incoherently drunk?” Let me help. One is bad judgement, and the other means you just fucking raped someone. It’s subtle, I know.

I guess this is what you end up with when a trained Marine pretends he’s also qualified to dispense relationship advice.

First things first: I have never once said that I’m qualified to dispense advice. In fact, I’ve said the opposite repeatedly, yet people keep writing in with questions. And I don’t see why being a “trained Marine” (redundant for any veteran, by the way) has anything to do with that. At best, it implies that someone who served in the Marine Corps is too stupid or immoral to give relation advice, and at worst it implies that Marines are inclined to rape people. It’s just a shitty, ignorant thing to say.

Anyway, to be clear – because apparently I need to make the most obvious declarations with every piece of advice I give – in no way am I a proponent of sexual assault. The reality is that a lot of people have sex after lowering their inhibitions with alcohol, and to to skip past that reality and twist my words so that you can jump right into screaming “Rape!” is nothing more than trolling. Fuck you. Die in a chemical fire.

There. Much better. Let’s get to your questions.

Caveman,
Football – I am in a keeper league and have been having a real issue with my WR and RB options. For WR it’s either Megatron or Roddy White and for RB it’s Bradshaw or Hillis. Another opinion on this matter is greatly appreciated.

Can you keep Megatron AND Roddy White? Those would be my choices: White and Williams are the second- and third-ranked players at their positions according to NFL.com’s 2011 fantasy ranks. Bradshaw and Hillis, meanwhile, are 17th and 18th. And while I don’t stand by those rankings as hard and fast truths, they do reflect a reality: your WRs are top-tier consistent producers, while your running backs are talented first options who can put up good numbers. If you HAVE to keep one of each, flip a coin. Personally, I’d roll the dice with Roddy and Hillis.

Sex – I was browsing the internet the other day when I came upon a picture of an ex of mine. The picture is of this person giving a hand job with her mouth to someone. It is unmistakably my former girlfriend. This is definitely not a picture I had taken because I like to think my penis is better looking and I am not a prick who posts pictures of their exes. I dated this person for some time until I finally realized that being with someone like her (abusive, insecure) was not worth it. We still send each other the occasional email around holidays and birthdays but that is the extent of the relationship. I guess my question is, should I reach out to her about something like this?
Thanks, Burt

We had a similar question to this sometime in the past, but it’s hard as hell to sift through the archives, so I’ll give this another whirl.

On the surface, it seems like the right thing to do would be to tell her about the picture, because that’s the most honest and open path. But really, what does she gain by you telling her about that picture? What can she do about it? Seek some kind of legal injunction against whichever ex-boyfriend (or fling) took the picture? I doubt it. And even if she gets it removed from whichever site it appears on, it will only pop up on other forums.

And all of that, of course, assumes that the picture was taken for private use only. What if she got paid for that photo and knew it was going to end up online? It’s not a likely scenario, but it’s possible. And that would make your holiday email exchange with her even MORE awkward than the baseline of “I found a picture online of you blowing a guy.”

Let it be. The kindest thing you can do for your ex is not share the photo with anyone.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I’m in a keeper league where we keep 6 players.

Holy shit, that’s got to be the most boring draft in all of fantasy football. “And with the first pick of the draft, I select Owen Daniels.”

We usually have to submit our keepers the Monday after the NFL draft. Is it reasonable to ask the commissioner to put off naming our keepers until we know for sure that there will be a season? I’m just not confident that all of my players will be in the same exact situations a year from now as they are now.

I think that makes perfect sense, and I don’t see why any commissioner wouldn’t be flexible in making changes to accommodate the lockout. You’d have to be a giant asshole to be all, “No! You’re locked into your keepers now! Even if there’s no 2011 season!”

Sex: This is unfortunately a sad and serious topic. Pretty much every girlfriend and any other female friend I have had over the years has at some point told me that they were molested at a young age. I’ve heard stories of fathers, uncles, babysitters, religious figures, and family friends molesting them. I just recently had a girl completely break down to me and tell me how a good friend of the family molested her when she was 7 and then her mother beat her for lying when she told her about it.

I guess my question is: do you have similar experience of your girlfriends/friends telling you similar stories or do I just happen to know a skewed sample of girls? Furthermore, are we just that fucked up of a society where a girl can’t make it to the age of 10 without someone molesting her?
– Lil’ Wayne Chrebet

Does it happen to a lot of girls? Yes, absolutely. Does it happen to every girl? Certainly not. It’s possible that women who were molested are just drawn to you, or maybe you live in West Virginia. As always when I don’t have a good answer, I look to Wikipedia for answers:

In North America, for example, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as ‘friends’ of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

So… yeah. Cheerful subject. How ’bout them Knicks?

**********

Dear Colossus of Cunt,

That… that’s really not a very good nickname.

I do not really wish to file this topic under “sex” for forthcoming apparent reasons:

So, a few weeks ago I was at my gym and a guy asked me about something workout related, and I chatted with him for a bit. From time to time in the next few weeks I see him around at bars, and he will buy drinks for my friends and me without fail, even though I try to refuse. It turns out some one of my female friends knows him from around town as he is somewhat of a local fixture, and she tells me that he is a super nice guy and is often buying drinks for people. She also informs me that he is gay. I am straight, and I have no problem with gay people even though I’m from a part of the country that does not tend to embrace homosexuality.

So, the Midwest, the South, or Utah. Got it.

So I talk with him a little bit, and end up giving him my number after telling him that I was looking for a job, and he offered to call me if he heard of anything.

This is when things start getting weird. For the last two weeks he has started texting me almost daily asking how my day is going and what’s up. He also sent me some late night texts telling me how much he wishes I were with him on a business trip he was on, and that he wants to spend lots of money on me. He later sent me an “oops I see I sent some drunk texts the other night ;)” text, and I’m not sure whether that is more or less unsettling. After some very curt text messages back to him, he tells me that he knows I’m straight and that I need to stop being so homophobic. If I don’t text him back promptly, he’ll ask if he’s offended me. Let me add that this man is in his late 50′s. Now, I’m sure half of your commenters will tell me I’m a huge pussy and this is all my fault for not telling him to step the fuck off, and the other half may call me a homophobic, unworldly heathen for being uncomfortable interacting with a gay man, he’s also black and I’m white if you want to add “racist” in there.

Anyway, the guy seems like a nice dude who is generally well-liked around town, and I’m sure I will run into him again in the future, but I straight up do not like getting creepy text messages all the time. Today, he suggested that we should get dinner sometime. Also, he frequently calls me “stud.” So I have a few questions to throw out into the universe:

1. I have always assumed that gay people would know not to try to force a 22 year old clearly straight men into their gay world. Should he not expect me to be skittish about even speaking with him at this point? Does he not have the social responsibility to reign that shit in a little? Plus he’s like 30 years older than I am. I’m kind of irritated with the gay community that one of their members has put me into this situation.

2. This needs to stop, so how the fuck should I handle this?

First of all, you’re WAY off base about expecting gay men to respect your straightness. You know how women play hard to get, and we chase them because we’re idiots? Well, straight men are the ULTIMATE hard-to-get for gay men. And keep in mind, they might like musicals and have excellent taste in interior design, but they’re still men. Which means they think with their dicks just as much as we do — maybe even more so, since they get to target other men and don’t have to worry about offending feminine sensibilities as much.

Is he a creep? Yes, absolutely. But you need to stand up for yourself and handle him the way a woman would handle a gross older stalker. It’s a 3-step process: 1. Clearly state that you don’t want him to contact you any more. 2. Ignore his texts/calls. 3. If he persists, get yourself a restraining order. Who gives a fuck if he’s well-liked? He’s an asshole.

Post script: You’re irritated with the gay community because of one gay man, huh? That’s like being irritated with Italian-Americans for “Jersey Shore,” or being irritated with black people because of Tyler Perry, or being irritated with women because of Kate Gosselin. It’s preposterously reductive.

Football: The Colts

DING DING DING! Sorry Utah, the winner is “Midwest.”

are saying they are thinking of drafting a QB fairly high in the draft. Does that not seem like the most wasteful pick of any team possible at this point. Though I loathe that pale-faced choke artist, Peyton has never been hurt and by all indications has at least 5 years left in my humble opinion. So two colts QB’s…. what does it mean?
-Likin’ the ladies more than ever

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they’re thinking of grooming a young QB with more talent than Jim Sorgi or Curtis Painter — maybe as a long-term replacement for Manning, maybe as insurance for Manning’s aging body (that they could deal for more picks like the Pats did with Matt Cassel). Who’s to say, really? The Colts have made pretty excellent personnel decisions over the last decade, so I’d give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

**********

Hi Captain,
Sex: No problem there. I get as much as you would expect after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids which is not as much as I would like but enough to keep me happy.

*yawn* Good story.

Football: My exposure to the NFL started in the late 80s when one of the TV channels down here in Oz started to show a game of the week around midnight on a Friday night.

I think it’s really cool that people call Australia “Oz” for short. And yet, every time I see it in writing, I’m like, “Holy shit you’re from OZ?!?!? But that place isn’t real!” It comes from a childhood of seeing The Wizard of Oz and The Wiz. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people whose frame of reference is the HBO series “Oz.”

One game a week was all we got. The games seemed to always feature either the 49ers or Oilers. I then became a fan of the Oilers. A few years later the broadcasts stopped. Then around 1998 they started again. By this time the Oilers no longer existed and I decided to pick a new team. We had an American at my work place who I asked about the current league. He steered me in the direction of a team which had a history similar to the Australian Rule Football team I support, mediocre with the occasional good season. So I became a fan of the Patriots. Since the explosion of the internet and my exposure to NFL based blogs I have come to realize that the team I follow has a supporter base that I under no circumstances would normally associate with. The question is am I able to renounce my fandom of the team and just follow the NFL as a whole or am I stuck being one of them?
-Concerned.

Just about every enlightened sports fan has a byzantine set of rules for what teams you can and can’t root for, and who’s a real fan versus who’s a poseur, and when it’s okay to wear a jersey of your team, et cetera ad nauseam. But I think when you’re an international fan who’s never had the chance to pick a team based on watching the games with native fans, none of your allegiances need be set in stone. For now, just watch the games and root for which players are on your fantasy team, or whichever team is more fun to watch, or whichever team has Rex Ryan on the sidelines.

I’ll try to watch a little EPL every now and again, and I say that my team is Fulham because they’ve been home to American players like Brian McBride, Carlos Bocanegra, and Clint Dempsey (my favorite player). But when it comes down to it, I’ve never lived in London, never been to Craven Cottage, and have only ever met one Brit whose favorite team was Fulham. (Everyone in London seems to cheer for Chelsea or Arsenal, with a sprinkling of Spurs and West Ham supporters. Fulham seemed a distance fifth in terms of fan bases.) My point is: it’s hard to truly connect to a team unless you feel like you’re part of the fan community. If you don’t feel like a part of FACKIN FOOTBALL RED SOX NATION, well, feel free to take your loyalties elsewhere.

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Dearest Caveman,
Longtime reader of the mailbag. I’ve finally been motivated to write in after struggling with a lady-related issue. First off the Fantasy question: after getting some serious mileage out of the ‘Kurt N Kitna’ moniker over the past couple of seasons, I feel it has grown stale. While there is no hooker-killing duo quite like them, I was wondering if you had any suggestions for team names that might strike fear in the hearts of my opponents. (PussyTubers has been taken…)

Worry not, dear reader. Every summer, Big Daddy Drew compiles a giant list of KSK-approved fantasy team names. Wait until July, then come back to KSK every hour until we post. Until then you can peruse the previous years: 2010, 2009, 2008, and 2007. It’s fun to revisit what was relevant in previous years. Remember Fred Smoot and his double-ended dildo? Ah, how I miss the sex boat scandal.

SEX (sorry this will be long): After years of sleeping around in a drunken and drug induced haze with anything that moved, I met a girl through my program at school. She was fit, good looking, funny, good in bed, smart, easy to talk to, similar interests and priorities to mine, supportive of me and very caring/loving. Things progressed quickly needless to say, and I felt that for the first time in my life (of 27 years) I actually, legitimately, was in love with someone and could see myself with them in a long term relationship, (the longest, continuous relationship I had been in before might’ve been 5 months? So this was a huge step for me to even think about.)

But…?

However here is the let-down: in recent years I had been struggling with a number of serious problems, some of which I had ignored, some of which I had tried (and failed) to get help with. A few weeks before I met her, I was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation for really bad obsessive compulsive disorder, which I put on the back burner once the relationship progressed. Needless to say, that backfired. She wasn’t an idiot and could see that my brain worked differently than other people’s. Along with the OCD came a number of rage and anger issues, anxiety and depression.

Furthermore, I had always fancied myself as (or took pride in) being an smart-ass/asshole/tough guy who didn’t have much of a filter, so I would do and say things to her that were borderline stupid, or lies or just idiotic. These were things I could hide at times, but not forever, and she accepted them for a while, and probably could have lived with them if it weren’t for the final personality strike which was my chemical dependency.

When sober, I can usually be a stand-up individual (which is what attracted her to me in the first place I suppose). When drunk (and these things would occur long before she was in the picture), I would become a tazmanian devil, drinking to the point of blacking out, getting behind the wheel, stealing things, getting into very aggressive fist fights taking any pill I could get my hands on, calling old hookups, ending up in flop houses or brothels or after hours parties with shady characters, and so on. After a night of ‘bad things’, I called her for a ride home. When she arrived she witnessed me and my roommate in the aftermath of a brawl against 3 or 4 guys and a couple of girls, in cuffs on a city sidewalk. (Don’t ask me how I was able to weasel my way out of the charges, but we got off, thank god, as my future profession prevents me from having any type of criminal record…). She gave me a couple of weeks benefit, and then high tailed it out of my life (which I do not blame her for doing…).

Needless to say, my life went into a bit of a tailspin and I thankfully hit rock bottom without doing too much more damage to myself or others. Currently I am undergoing treatment for the OCD, which has progressed really well. I stopped drinking cold turkey, and began to get help from professionals in regards to my other mental issues. Months have passed, and without going into too much detail, I am doing a lot better now.

That’s lovely to hear.

As for her, she started dating some hipster d-bag from our school program (which absolutely floored me…),

Really? And do you think for even half a second that some “hipster d-bag” is worse than the reckless, dangerous, drug-abusing, drunk-driving, whoring guy she dated before? Reality check, buddy.

but they decided recently to go their separate ways. I guess my question is… what do I do to get her back in my life?

…Invent a time machine?

(I know from the description above, that this might be border line impossible, but from what she had told me at the time of break-up, and in the aftermath, I am pretty convinced that the possibility still exists.) We haven’t had much contact lately as I obviously needed to focus on myself, until the other day I sent her an e-mail saying hi and asking how she was doing. Her response was luke-warm at best, so where do I go from here oh wise one? I actually would be perfectly fine with just being her friend, and having her in my life as such, but I really do not know how to go about it. I await your guidance.
Sincerely, Admiral Heavy

Generally speaking, I think the human race would be a lot happier if more individuals would be happier to let go of people in their lives. Obviously, my opinion in this regard is colored by the life experience of growing up in the military and moving every three years — I’ve grown to enjoy fresh starts where I leave everything behind, and only stay in touch with the people who truly matter to me. And so, on the few occasions where I’ve treated a girlfriend poorly — not quite as bad as you, but still worse than any decent person deserves — I’ve always wanted to move my life away from her (maybe not by moving away, but always moving on). Seeing the ex-girlfriend just reminds me of how shitty a person I was, and I’d rather focus my life on moving forward. I’d rather build something new than try to fix up the rubble.

Now, second chances are great. I don’t discount the fact that you loved this girl, and I’m sure you’re confident you can get it right this time if she just gives you the opportunity to show her. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she takes you back but won’t let you get close to her because she can’t force herself to trust you, and then you spend the second iteration of your relationship apologizing for things that you’ve gotten treatment for and are trying to move past — not exactly the best thing for either of you. Or hey, maybe she takes you back and it’s awesome — but I’ve never known anyone who’s enjoyed that route.

My suggestion to you is to you is a heartfelt email to the ex. Let her know how special she is, and everything you loved about her — and also how sorry you are that you dragged her down with your problems. Let her know that the regret you feel about losing her has helped you get your life back on track, and that whatever capacity she’ll allow you in her life, you’ll gratefully accept even though you don’t deserve it. That sort of honesty allows you to express your feelings, but it also gives her an out — it relieves her of the burden of having you in her life. After saying your piece, you can move on. I’d recommend taking the regret and sorrow and love for your ex-girlfriend, and applying those feelings to building a new relationship with someone else.

(Note: the first two images used in this article came from the delightful tumblr glass case of emotion.)