I was supposed to write the mailbag last night, but then I got drunk on bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds, watched “Top Chef,” and went to bed a little before midnight. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to answer your questions in the quiet hours before dawn. Now that it’s well into the afternoon, I’m a goddamn zombie and that’s why you’re not getting any kind of sensible introduction here.

Featured below: a follow-up message from the gentleman whose girlfriend has the regrettable tattoo she’s ashamed of, the wonders of Ray Rice and Donald Driver, shtupping roommates and local barmaids, suicide pools, ex-lesbians, bald college poon, and the absolute worst drunken college experience possible. Enjoy.

Fantasy: In my work league I start 3 WR, but I’m loaded with 4 good ones. Pick the 3. TJ Housh @ Zona, Wayne @ Pats, Driver @ Dallas, and Megatron @ Minny.

Ooh, tough one. I’d say Wayne and Megatron for sure, and I’d give a slight edge to Driver over Houshmandzadeh. As an owner of both Driver and T.J., Housh has been frustratingly uneven all year, while Driver seems to break a long a touchdown every other game. I haven’t seen many sing the praises of Donald Driver this year, but he’s one of the more pleasant surprises this fantasy season. In my PPR league that starts three WRs, Driver’s the 14th-ranked wideout, just after Welker and ahead of guys like Mike Sims-Walker and Brandon Marshall. That’s a nice return on a late-round old guy.

I’m the “FUCK” tattoo guy. Not that you care,

But we DO care!

but I tried a different approach on Friday. We hadn’t seen each other in a week because she had to go to a funeral. I picked her up from the airport and when we got to my place I showed her what I did. I wrote “FUCK” across my chest in Sharpie. It actually worked. Best sex we’ve ever had. She had no shame when I showed her I had none. Thanks for the help. I’m pretty smitten by this chick, so I had to get over it. You and the comments helped some. Way to go!
-Shuan

Hooray! We helped! Kind of!

Business: Standard scoring, non-PPR league and could use a hand at RB2 this week. I’ve got Joey Addai vs the Chowds and Ryan Grant vs. Jerry’s Boys. Gotta play 1.

I’m sure you’ll want me tarred and feathered after Sunday proves me wrong, but I’d go with Ryan Grant. I just don’t trust Belichick when it comes to fantasy. You never know when he’s going to design a game plan to shut down a single player or give carries to the third-string running back, with no greater purpose than to fuck over fantasy owners.

Pleasure: I live about a block from a neighborhood bar that my buddies and I like to frequent. There is a very hot young bartender that works there that is in to me. I’ve been in a prolonged dryspell, and this hottie would not only bust my slump but would be a solid knock out of the park. The only catch is that it’s fairly obvious that she’s emotionally….needy and I’m fully engrossed in my return to full bachelordom. I don’t want a relationship, just a fuck buddy and knowing most chicks, that will likely end up being an issue. Do I hit it, risk pissing her off and potentially make my self unwelcome at my favorite watering hole? Or do I let this one go and keep it corked for awhile longer?
Gracias, E.H.

I say go for it. A lot of adults can engage in sex without committing to a relationship; she just might be one of them. And if not, well, she doesn’t work at the bar every night, does she?

To my heroes,
I don’t have a fantasy question, I do want Andy Reid to fall into a giant vat of bubbling lard though.

Unsilent Majority: you mean his food trough?

I have very recently found out that my old roommate and erstwhile best friend has been fucking my ex girlfriend (and I believe he even wrote in to the mailbag about it!)

Awkward!

Now of course this came as a great shock and since I loved the girl, excuse me for being a pussy, but I am heartbroken. Now we weren’t together or anything at the time so I won’t dwell on that fact, even though its really fucked up. My question relates to this. I want to get over this by burying myself in pretty much everything with a vagina that I’m not related to that passes my way. However, I’ve never exactly been a Lothario and I’m no smooth talker. What is the rule on playing the hurt card? I am actually hurt badly by all this, to what degree should I use that if I should use it at all to find said vagina. Has that even worked before? Should I just grin and bear it and be stoic about it?
–Uncle Rahls

I’m not a fan of this so-called “hurt card.” What’s the angle? You want women to sleep with you because they feel sorry for you? Pfffft. If anything, the hurt card is really only useful in keeping yourself from getting embroiled in a new relationship when you’ve achieved your goal of casual sex. And it’s not even a “card” to play as much as it is honesty: there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” if you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship. In fact, it’s commendable.

Gentlemen,
Well fuck you. I am one of those readers that you have just cast aside over the last weeks claiming immunity on the basis that you could not get to all the questions. I came to you out of curiosity two weeks ago; I come to you now out of desperation.

Football: I have lost all ability to choose my RB’s. I need three. Brown and/or Williams @TB; Gore @Chi; Addai @NE or S. Jackson @NO. I have been playing Brown and Williams and that has proceeded to slaughter me as I sit there and watch Addai fuck me on his way to two TD’s. I am only confident in Gore.

Blech, I’ve never liked owning two carry-sharing RBs from the same team. I’d rather have one guy and sometimes be fated to getting fucked than face the weekly two-chamber Russian roulette. As for your decision this week, it’s a tough one: you’ve got some great talent and some favorable matchups. Whenever I can’t make up my mind, I simply go with the most talented player. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least it’s system. And having a system means that you can blame the system instead of your decision-making abilities. So: Gore and Jackson.

Sex: Much more important then my shit league is my roommate. I wrote to you two weeks ago saying that I thought it was a really good possibility that I was going to fuck my new roommate. Well we did. We did all weekend. Now it’s Tuesday and it’s real awkward. We haven’t talked at all since I left her room on Saturday night to go back to my room. She is a cool chick, but I can’t date my roommate, I don’t piss where I eat.

Au contraire. You just urinated all over the dining room.

I don’t want a fuck buddy either especially one who sleeps 15 feet away from me. We are stuck together no matter what for at least another year, do i avoid her or just man up and confront the awkwardness?
-P.M.

I remember your email from two weeks ago. Dude, it didn’t matter what I or anyone in the comments said: you were gonna bang this chick regardless. Obviously — and this is a topic that’s been covered in previous mailbags — sleeping with your roommate is a terrible idea. It creates all sorts of pitfalls in navigating your bachelor’s life. But since the damage is done, avoiding or ignoring the situation isn’t going to help.

Here’s what I would do if I had your terrible judgment: take her out for a drink (dinner is too date-y, lunch or coffee is too formal), and begin by apologizing for not speaking to her for several days afterward — be honest and say that you didn’t know how to handle it. Then tell her you’re happy that you spent a weekend wearing each other out, because it was obvious that it was what both of you wanted. Then say that you think it’s probably not the best idea to get involved with someone you live with, because you don’t want to be jealous when she moves on and brings another guy home and shit like that. Then what will happen next is she’ll probably agree with you, then you two will have some more drinks and have sex anyway. Then the next year of your life will be spent occasionally having sex with her while you never develop a relationship with anyone else because it’s too awkward to bring a girl home, so you’ll only ever hook up with someone else if you can go back to her place or if your roommate is out of town.

Essentially, you’re fucked. But if you approach the situation with openness and honesty, you’ll make your life somewhat easier.

Hey fellas,
Quasi-Fantasy First: I have a suicide pool question as opposed to the traditional fantasy team question for you. By a bit of luck and educated guesses, I’m still in a suicide pool and somehow still have the Colts, Saints, Cowboys and Broncos to choose from over the heart of the season. Seeing as these teams will more than likely make the playoffs, is it a better idea to use them over the next few weeks and take my chances with teams who have a pretty good chance to make the playoffs or use these powerhouses in December when Sorgi will get lots of snaps?

While it’s nice to have those excellent teams available to you, I’d look at it from the other way: who are the terrible teams playing that you haven’t used? I’d be poring over the schedules of the Redskins, Lions, Browns, and Raiders. Those teams are dogshit. Dude, the Lions blew a 17-point lead to the Seahawks last week. Shitty teams are where you’re gonna make your money.

Sex: Here’s a set of circumstances that I’m not sure warrant red flags and I should run for the hills or worth the risk/heartbreak. I’m 30, college educated and have been in the work force 10+ years, she’s 25 just finished grad school, never had a real job or any work experience. She mentioned possibly moving in together as she can no longer keep her student housing. We started having a heated discussion about the job market and where it may or may not lead and although I am paying for everything right now, when the job market recovers, I would want her to contribute financially if she were living with me. She impolitely disagrees.

Well, fuck her in the face.

Been dating for about 5 months and New Years Day would be when she would move into my place. Other possible red flags: I am the first guy she’s dated since she was in high school. Her current roommate is her ex-girlfriend, who gives me the death stare when I am in her presence. They broke up about 3 months before we started dating, but still share their house. She is also a big fan of jam bands. Endearing qualities: Although she has a very hippy vibe, she does not reek of patchouli. She loves football and hockey. She is a solid 8.5.

I’ll be honest: I kind of hate your girlfriend.

sidebar: If a threesome were to happen with her and another girl, it wouldn’t be her roommate as roommate is totally butch and has sworn to cut my dick off if I make her cry. So, should I stick with her hoping she comes into the real world sooner than later or end it now?
-Lesbo Converter

Listen, that’s great that she’s hot and likes sports. But dude, this girl has never been an actual grown-up, and the notion that someone wants to live with you and has issued not a request but the expectation that you pay her portion of the rent and continue to do so in perpetuity? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Oh, the economy’s shit and she can’t put her master’s degree to use? Boo fucking hoo, Denny’s needs a waitress. She isn’t entitled to shit. Welcome to life, honey. Pay your bills. Pay your own fucking rent. And if she’s got a problem with that, she can go crying to her dyke ex-girlfriend and munch box for a living. Put that broad on waivers.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am torn at the Flex position this week between Devin Hester (Thurs. @ SF) and Ladell Betts (Sun. vs. Den). Please help me with this shitshow.

Yeesh. My knee-jerk reaction was Hester, who’s had at least six catches each of the last four weeks. But Betts looked good filling in for Clinton Portis, and Denver did give up 155 yards to Rashard Mendenhall in getting exposed on Monday night. So I don’t know. Given that the Redskins are fucking terrible and will likely be throwing most of the second half, I’d lean towards Hester.

I am also torn about Christmas with the old lady. My girlfriend is freaking out because she has strong feelings about wanting to spend Christmas together. She is pretty adamant about being together that day, but apparently that means giving up my family celebration for hers in a far, far different location, and my family is going to be fucking pissed if I’m not there with them. Keep in mind, her and I haven’t been together long enough at all to call the other’s family our in-laws. This is hardly sex related, but could very well result in a chain of events to affect it. Do I say fuck it, hurt her feelings, and catch her on the flip side, or do I bargain?
-Santos L. Halper

I gave up a Christmas once to spend it with a girlfriend’s family instead of my own. We were awfully young (something like 23 and 19) but pretty serious about each other, and I was very much already welcomed into her parents’ home. It was my first Christmas away from my family, and it turned out okay. Looking back, I would have preferred to spend it with my family, but at the time it was the right thing for my relationship and the girl I was head over heels for.

Judging by the tone of your email, you would rather be with your family, so be with your family. Just explain to her that as special as she is to you, your family has been in your life a whole lot longer than she has been, and you choosing them isn’t a sign of disrespect to her but a sign of respect to your familial bond. If you have to, bargain: arrange for a separate trip to meet/spend time with her family. Easter’s nice for that.

My friends and brethren at KSK,
I need help the good ol’ fantasy squad this week. I have to start 3 of these WRs. Please help me choose. They are: Brandon Marshall (@WAS), Mike Sims-Walker (@NYJ), Sidney Rice (DET), Jerricho Cotchery (JAC), Malcom Floyd (PHI), Mohamed Massaquoi (BAL). I was leaning towards a line-up of B-Marsh, Rice, and Cotchery. What combo do you think would lead to me to victory this week?

Pretty good, but I’d go with Sims-Walker over Cotchery. Cotchery’s only found the end zone once all season.

As for the more romantic aspects of life. People are always asking whether you’re an Ass man or Tit man. Some people who don’t have the balls to choose one say, a little bit of both. I was just wondering what the gentlemen at KSK preferred?
-Chronic

I don’t have such a narrow worldview. If a girl’s got a perfect ass but not much up top, then I’m an ass man. If a girl’s got a flat ass but a great rack, then I’m a tit man. If I see a petite thing with great stems in kitten heels, voilà, I’m a leg man.

I appreciate women’s bodies, plain and simple. I love great tits. I love a phenomenal ass. To choose one or the other is to deny yourself the beauty of the female form.

what up KSK-
Fantasy first. I’m pretty positive I’m making the playoffs in my league. I’m 8-1, the 2nd place team is 5-4. It’s a ten team league and 4 teams make the playoffs. A very big reason for my winning is taking risks on drafting Ochocinco and Benson early in the draft when no one else was. Now, is it ok for me to adopt the Bengals as my favorite team for the rest of the season considering these three factors: (1) Obviously they are a big part of me being 8-1 at this point, (2) I’m a huge Bears fan (obviously rooting for Benson kind of sucks), but I really want Lovie/Angelo gone otherwise that franchise will become Browns-esque; but with more sulk. (3) I go to grad school in ‘the city of champions’ (shoot me in the face), so naturally Steeler fans made me despise the Steelers. Am I a douche for rooting for the Bengals out of wanting my coach fired, fantasy football, and hatred for their rival fanbase?

Nope. Those are excellent reasons to root for a team. If scientists could harness my hatred for the Steelers, it would solve the energy crisis. Go Bengals! (Note: you still have to cheer for the Bears as your #1 team. Even if it’s cheering for a higher draft pick.)

On to the bangaranging. I drink heavily and often. I’ve made girls I’ve slept with feel bad about themselves because I wasn’t able ejac because I’ve been so drunk. Obviously it’s an awkward thing and i have to pull some “no, i am attracted to you, i’m just shitfaced” bullshit. I’ve tried being like, ‘why don’t we try again in the morning?’ but that seems to piss them off more. How would you deal with this? (yes I know I should maybe just not get so shitty)

Oh, and thanks for giving me stuff to read when I should be listening to some nerd drone on about federal rules of evidence and shit.
-Jack Daniels

Fake an orgasm. It preserves her feelings and prevents your embarrassment. (NOTE: this only works if you’re wearing a condom, which obviously you should be doing anyway.) Then when you get it on again in the morning, she’ll think you’re really virile. What a sucker!

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: Mendenhall v cincy with willie parker returning, or moreno @wash with a struggling washington run d… standard scoring, ppr.

Yahoo projects Mendenhall to get 14.08 points in a PPR league. Knowshon: only 7.42. Now, it goes without saying that Yahoo projections will fuck you in the ass if you give them the chance, but that’s a pretty big disparity. Go with ‘Shard.

Sex second: Let me preface this by saying I hate anal, and this has nothing to do with the question, but I want it to be duly noted. I am a 22 year old college senior at a major state school. I am about as far from a virgin as you can get, but as I near graduation, I find myself questioning the fact that I am manipulating 18 and 19 year old girls into giving me sucking/fucking me pretty much all over campus.

Obviously I love this, and am not complaining, but I feel like I should start preparing for the real world where girls aren’t trashy and they enjoy relationships. I guess the real question is, when do you move on from the random strange in anticipation of bars/parties where girls don’t show you their tits for lukewarm natty lights?

When you graduate from college and get a job. Not a minute before then. Do you hear me? NOT ONE FUCKING MINUTE.

Bonus question, why do so many girls like the bald look nowadays? To quote a fictional hero of mine Hank Moody, “And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult.”
gloriously,
anal non-enthusiast

There are plenty of women who don’t tend their gardens. And there are many who tend them but leave some hair. You’ll learn this when you leave your big state school and start missing the days of getting hot teenage shaved pussy all the time.

Dear Pubes On Bars Of Soap,
Football: Would you trade Steve Smith (NYG) and Julius Jones for Ocho? Steve Smith is on a bye this week and it’s a crucial matchup for me. I could really use Ocho’s points, but there’s still a decent chance I win without him (even though I’d either be playing Johnny Knox, Pierre Garcon, or Andre Caldwell).

Smith has more yards and as many touchdowns as Ochocinco, so in essence you’re giving up a better wide receiver and a running back for a lesser wideout (as far as number this season are concerned). However, on a week-to-week basis, I think Smith and Ocho are essentially a wash — you can be reasonably assured that Chad’s going to continue to produce. If you really need the help, I’d say make the trade, but counter-offer to trade the WRs straight up.

Pussy-pounding: The girl I’ve been dating for a month and am really into just dropped the bomb on me – she has herpes. I’ve been fortunate to keep my dick clean for 26 years and 30+ partners, but after a little research I found out that herpes isn’t that easy to transfer unless the carrier has an outbreak. Should I say fuck it and just keep my mouth away from her meat curtains, or keep my dick sore-free and move along?
Thanks,
Paterfamilias

I’d like to direct you to the KSK mailbag from March 12th of this year, in which Drew provided what I consider to be the definitive take on dating someone with herpes:

I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes. [...]

The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!

In a PPR league, Ray Rice is the third-ranked fantasy running back in the NFL. Play Rice and Johnson. Trade Brown.

Sex: Ugh, I don’t even know were to begin. This is pretty fucked up, so if you want to pass on this I won’t be offended or anything. For reference, I’m a 21 year old male. Okay. So it had been awhile since I last got laid. It’s not that I’m a freak or anything, I just have intense commitment issues. But that could be it’s own topic altogether. I only bring this up because it relates later.

So anyway, I have a gay friend. We hang out occasionally, mostly seeing each other at parties, that sort of thing.

Uh oh. I see where this is going.

This last weekend we just so happened to be going to the same party. I ended up drinking, a lot. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty, but I ended up having sex with my gay friend.

Now I am completely straight. I realize that sounds retarded considering I had gay sex, but it’s one thing I’m totally positive about. I’ve never been attracted to another man, ever. I watch exclusively straight or lesbian porn, I’m not even remotely turned on or attracted to guy on guy porn.

Here’s another thing, I was blacked out the whole time. I literally was standing in the kitchen with a large group of people, and then next thing I knew I woke up in bed with another dude.

And ANOTHER thing. From the conversation I had with him the next morning. Apparently, it wasn’t just a little sex. It was a lot of sex. Multiple hours of really hardcore sex.

Bleh.

Okay.

What do I say to this guy? I’m not even sure I want to even see him again! Can you reasonably have a friendship with someone after that? How do I get over something like that? I mean, it’s really easy to say “Well, it doesn’t change who you are” or whatever. But I gotta say, it’s really a mindfuck finding out you went all out with another dude. I feel like maybe I’m over reacting. He hangs out with a lot of the same people I do, so it’s not like I can just run away from this. I don’t want to upset him or anything but “Yeah, when we fucked I was totally blacked out and even thinking about it makes me want to vomit” seems like a pretty shitty thing to tell someone, even if it’s the truth.

I’m also really terrified of other people finding out. I have no idea who knows what actually happened. Would I lose friends over this? Do I just try and bury all of this or do I come out with it?

Can I ever go back to being who I was before all this? Please help.
Thanks,
never drinking again

Yikes. Wow. Hoo boy.

First things first: have you considered the possibility that you were raped? I mean, you’re straight, you were blacked out, and he had a whole lot of anal sex with you without you remembering a thing. Think about it: if that same scenario happened between a woman and a guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, everyone would call it rape.

Verdict: gay rape, also known as “grape.”

I apologize for not being more serious, but holy shit, dude. I don’t even know where to begin. Before you take a word of anyone’s advice — be it my own or someone in the comments — I’d make a beeline to a mental health professional. That’s some heavy shit that goes beyond what little expertise I have.

In fact, I don’t think I want to give you any advice on the chance that it might be bad advice. I have no idea what you can or should say to your gay friend. I don’t know the best way to keep this under wraps (Jesus, have you seen the way gay men gossip?). I have no clue how your friends might react, and I can’t begin to imagine how you’d go about getting past this, other than by seeking professional help.

I don’t know what to say here. Um, at least  you have Ray Rice and Chris Johnson as your starting running backs?

Time again for the KSK sexbag, the weekly feature that combines flex positions and sex positions, PPRs and STDs, running back handcuffs and the ones you use on the freaky coworker.

This installment runs kind of long, as I compiled most of it during the World Series game last night and I find facing the choice between work and watching baseball really ramps up the productivity, so hooray for surplus mailbag content. If it’s still too much for you, there’s always a game of Steakhouse or Gay Bar. If you sent a question that didn’t get used, you either sent it too late or it wasn’t interesting enough. My condolences. Feel free to try again next week.

Topics tackled within: Porny appearance as false determinant of freakiness, how much a third wheel has to try to maintain an open marriage, presex masturbatory guidelines, animosity between wives and female drinking buddies, and spicy psycho Peruvian girls.

To the buttsecks: I compare every woman that I date by which pornstar they remind me of. I imagine I’m not the only one who participates in this exercise. This can be a good thing. For example, if your half-Korean girlfriend lives three hours away, you can still comfort yourself with a nice left-handed proxy until the following weekend when you see her again.

Or you could jerk it to spank bank material that doesn’t look anything like your current girlfriend. It’s not like it’s cheating or anything. But have it your way.

Unfortunately Nikki Price doesn’t disappear from the Internet when your half-Korean girlfriend that lives three hours away decides to turn into a whore.

Anyways, I was recently hooked up with a nice young lass, and I’m not enamored with anything else besides the fact that I think she looks kinda like Allysin Chaynes.

We’re about two weeks in, and have yet to do the deed. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to put very much effort into anything that I don’t want hanging around for more than two weeks, so this would normally be the point where I would say, “have a nice life,” but I just can’t. It might be love…or, it might be that I subconsciously think there’s some pretty awesome anal sex around the corner, because: that Allysin Chaynes sure loves anal sex!! Should I stick around or cut bait? Am I counting my starfish (eggs) before they hatch?

I didn’t know starfish laid eggs. I learn something new from unimaginative and raunchy puns everyday!

Two weeks is a pretty hard line to draw, depending on how many times you’ve seen each other over that span. Also, you haven’t told me how hard you’ve tried to push the idea of sex. It could be that you haven’t been aggressive enough, but then you’re a dude who likens all the women in his sex life to porn stars, so I’m willing to wager that it’s at least been broached. Allow me to inform your subconscious that a physical resemble to Ms. Chaynes need not indicate that this woman shares her love for anal. I’d say give it a little more time, but if you’ve got some other porny looking girl lined up in the meantime, by all means. Wouldn’t want to violate that two-week cut-off.

To the football: I’m currently 2-6 in a 12 team league where the top teams are 6-2, but everybody else is between that and where I am. I’ve had some bad beats, so our first playoff tie-breaker, point total, is a place where I’m healthy. I have Knowshon Moreno as one of my top two RBs, and have been fielding offers for him that include draft picks due to the fact that he still has yet to play OAK and KC twice. At what point do I pull the string and start stockpiling picks for next year?? Do you think the D’s of KC and OAK are bad enough for me to make a playoff push?

-Bellwether Johnson

If it’s a keeper league, I’d recommend hanging on to him. Otherwise, it depends on the picks being offered up. At 2-6 you’re probably going to have to run the table if your league only has four playoff slots. Not an easy task. And Knowshon is going against a not particularly generous Steelers run D (top ranked in the NFL) this week, so it’s not hanging onto him for another week is going to do you a world of good.

sup guys.

SEX: More of a “girl” question than anything, really. What’s the protocol for hitting on girls in train stations? I live at home still (ugh.) and I take the train to college and every other day I see what I’m sure is the hottest girl ever. Short, little bit of a strange sense of style topped off with a Winona Ryder haircut (ya know, about the time she started to shoplift). In other words, drop-dead gorgeous. Problem is though, I only ever see her in the subway where it’s quiet and awkward as shit. Everyone seems to keep to themselves and just waits for the train to come, so I feel like I need some kind of angle… any suggestions on how to hit it up with train girl?

All right. Here’s what you gotta do: Wear the most tattered rags you possibly can and start panhandling in the train. Smear them with shit if you’re truly serious. Make sure you have a good sob story. Nay, a superb sob story. Oh, what am I saying, you’re just gonna fuck it up. HERE’S A SOB STORY. Were you in the war? Of course you were in the war. It left you emotionally scarred and broken. A hollow husk of The Man That Was. You can’t get a job and you need help, direction, a drink. Stop midway through a severe coughing jag to tell the hot Winona Ryder girl that she reminds you of the woman sobbing on 9/11 who first inspired you to enlist. The girl you got engaged to on a whim the night before you shipped off. But she’s gone now, right? A freak occurrence. You would know what happened, but, UGH, this PTSD! Just as she’s about to drop a fresh G-Wash quarter into your change hat…BAM! You ask for her number.

WORK THOSE ANGLES, HOMIE!

Just kidding, you tentative pussy. The quiet subway car can be daunting for making your approach, but short of stalking her, it’s the only chance you’re going to get with this girl. Just remember – these people know fuck all about you and care even less. So make your move already. Sit down next to her and tell her you’ve seen her a few times during the commute and ask if she would like to grab a drink. I can’t guarantee it’s going to work. It easily might blow up in your face. We’ve all been there. I’ve hit on a girl in the gym and had her laugh in my face. But I can tell you the chances for success are higher with straightforward behavior than some fabricated bullshit.

FOOTBALL: I’m kinda in deep shit with this one. After starting the year 3-0, I have since lost the last 5 weeks in a row all the while having my bench QB do better than my starter every single time. And on top of that, my current running backs are Brian Westbrook (constantly hurt), Steve Slaton (benched) and tiny darren (who let’s face it, will never see the light of day unless LaToeinjury dies). I’ve thought about trying to trade to help my running core and have come up with this potential trade: Ryan Grant & Eli Manning for Matt Schaub & Sproles. I already have Phillip Rivers and plan to ride out the rest of this shit storm of a season with him and the guy I wanna trade needs a legit QB. The only thing is that he’s leading our league and my gut says not to help him win any further… So two parts. 1.) is it a fair trade? and do you see it benefiting me down the road?

sincerely, Trains and Tailbacks

Why are trading the QB who’s putting up better numbers, again? Granted he’s losing one of his favorite targets in Owen “Snake Dick” Daniels, but fugly boy Schaub is killing Laserface in fantasy points. Though if you think you’re dumping him at his peak before he drops off without Snake Dick, by all means. It’s a fair trade, though I’d say he’s getting the better of you a little bit. But then, you are desperate for a running back. Ryan Grant isn’t good enough to make up for that weakness, but he will help. As for helping the top guy in the league – at the moments you’re hanging on by a thread in the league. Your concern should be staying in contention before anything else.

Gentlemen of the cloth/stat/wang,

It’s paid off; 2nd overall so far. I’ve also been accumulating their associated talents to score doubles, so answer this: Peyton, plus Addai, Collie and “the Waiter” vs. HOU, or Brees, Moore, and Bush vs. CAR. [Backups: Maclin (PHI - WR) vs. DAL, Hightower (ARI - RB) @ CHI,
Rice (BAL - RB @ CIN)]

The Panthers have the top ranked pass D in the NFL, while the Texans’ is 14th. Houston has also given up almost twice as many pass plays of more than 20 yards than Carolina. Since both New Orleans and Indy are at home, the Colts would appear to be the call.

Sex: I’m a boyfriend of a married woman in an open marriage. I’m actually friends with the husband. (Not “hey, can I bone your wife real quick?” friends, but friends nonetheless). Recently, they’ve been having problems, and though my actions have been officially and verbally condoned by the husband (meaning that I am operating within the confines of their open marriage agreement) and that I have been personally accommodating to their wants and needs (respect all involved, open, honest communication, etc.) I feel like my interaction with the wife might be interfering with reconciliation with her husband.

-Just Another Guy

You’re awfully unselfish for a KSK reader, aren’t you? However, I would caution against thinking you can fix problems that most likely have nothing to do with you. You’re not overstepping your bounds in the open marriage scenario. And while you say you give the wife a convenient distraction, why do you assume the problem is solely on her end? How are you providing an out for the wife any more than another woman is giving an easy out (or should I say a little easy in/out, huh? Huh?) to the husband? Sure, it’s better to confront relationship issues than tiptoe around them, I don’t know if it’s your place to force that confrontation on this couple.

Hi guys,

Dave

There are several women who have told me that they only ever read the site for the mailbag and that, even then, they skip over the football questions, making a beeline straight at the sex stuff, so I’m answering one of the half-dozen lazy fantasy-only questions I otherwise wouldn’t just to spite them. TAKE THEM, WOMENS! I’ll say Steve Smith in the first and Mason in the second. The Bengals completely shut out Mason in the teams’ first meeting in Baltimore. That’s not likely to happen again, but Cincy knows even though the Ravens passing game has opened up, he’s still a major focal point. As for Slaton, the Texans are reportedly splitting his carries with Ryan Moats and Chris Brown against Indy. I’d wager on Mason having a better second game against the Bengals than a member of a running back committee who just got benched last week.

Dear Abbys,

If this were a one year thing, I’d sit here and take it like a man in a Turkish bathhouse. But, for the past four years, I’ve been in the league’s Top 4 for total points, and I’ve only made the playoffs once in those four miserable fucking years. How do I convince these assholes who are afraid of change that a Rotisserie League is the way to go? And, if that isn’t an option, do I at least have open season to bitch and moan publicly and constantly about my bad luck? Because if I can’t have that, I’m going to have to figure out what the fantasy equivalent of going postal is. Maybe spreading H1N1 on my league dues?

Tough shit. Fantasy football is a cruel mistress. I had the top seed in one of my leagues last year, only to lose in the first round of the playoffs to a team that won two games because it was a league that allowed every team to make the playoffs. Still, my team lost when it counted. It happens. Fantasy fucks you over with regularity. That said, I feel for your plight and grant you license to bitch and moan about it once, while suggesting they transition to a Rotisserie league. Should they accept (unlikely), good on you. If not (more likely), you can either lump it or go elsewhere.

Sex:

Yours in Purple Jesus,
Enduring in New England

It’s not easy going from being girl-in-the-new-Reebok-ad trim to portly in the span of a year, even if she has gotten somewhat closer to where she was. It’s gonna take some time to adjust. You’re on the right track by working with her and reassuring her, but she will have to come to the realization that we don’t get to keep our college or high school bodies forever. Granted her drop off arrived sooner than expected, but it’s a fact of life for everyone. As for you: a lot of people wouldn’t bitch extensively about their “fleshy trebuchet” getting off thrice a week.

Dear Gents,
About six months ago I figured out that the female friend that I liked would never like me back, so I decide to extricate myself from the friendship. It is difficult to be around her, so I have tried to ignore her, but she is friends with my entire group of friends, including my sister. How do I, without telling her that I love her, get her to take the hint?

As far as Fantasy Football, I suck.
Kyle in Chicago

You can either lose all your current friends (save your sister, who you can just avoid) or get the fuck over it. Neither is easy, but then such is life.

Football: Do I have anything to worry about with my RB depth? Starting Chris Johnson and Marion Barber with Maroney/McFadden/Felix Jones/Beanie Wells as my plethora of backups. I was thinking of dealing Donald Driver/Steve Smith (Giants) as one is on the bench because I have Roddy White or dealing Dallas Clark for a more solid backup RB. I am 6-2 and in 1st place, so I should be fine to make the playoffs at least.

Barber never gets the full 20 touches per game, but he does provide the assurance of being a reliable goal line guy. I’d recommend standing pat, unless you can fleece someone with what you got. No owner worth his salt (unless really, really desperate or high) will give up a back better than Barber for Driver, Steve Smith or Dallas Clark.

Sex: So, I don’t remember if KSK has ever discussed and made a “rule of thumb” for the best pre-sex gameplan before a possible period of sex is gonna cum.

/consults KSK Sex Pregame Bylaws

Nope. Not in here. How remiss of us.

My personal preference when I used to get vagina was to hold out for a three-day minimum and tease my dick for each subsequent day, generating a huge load in my nuts. It worked out perfectly for my long-distance situation. I lasted too long on my regular masturbation gameplan and I loved shooting the biggest load I can make. This high reward though comes with a possible cost. A no sex rejection makes the three-plus days of hard work to not beat it the worst possible mindfuck you could call upon yourself. And if you have trouble lasting, it may not be the best approach to go in with a loaded gun. Not to mention the tease in itself is hard to pull off, once you get to a certain point during masturbation, you’re beyond the point of no return. I need some feedback on this hot topic.

It sounds like it’s a subjective thing. For me, waiting three days doesn’t produce a markedly better result than a two days or even a day and a half, but clearly you’ve done enough self-examination, as it were, to land on this three-day threshold. Obviously the blowing of a mammoth load holds a great appeal for you, whereas it might not as much with others, and you know well enough to weigh the attendant risks of a *GASP!* three-day period of self-denial.

Dear Pussytubers,

Sex: So, I’m a strapping young lad who made the unfortunate mistake of attending an all-engineering college. About 5% of the people who go here are attractive females. Even worse, these girls often have an inflated sense of self-importance because they are nearly constantly surrounded by the 20% of douchey guys and other assorted tools who go here.

Wow, it’s like you live in D.C.

As for me, I’m part of the cynical 1% and think that I am better than everyone else my age. So, I have essentially given up on the girls here.

At least you’re upfront about being a snide little shit.

However, hope still exists for me because I am in a great part of Brooklyn (within walking distance of Brooklyn Heights/Cobble Hill). Now, I can pass for 22 and prefer going to bars rather than clubs. So here’s my question: Should I try meeting slightly older women at bars and just say that I’m a grad student, or should I focus my attention on weeding through the pretentious and/or generally stupid people who seem to attend schools near Downtown Brooklyn or Lower Manhattan and try meeting girls I can tolerate?

Fantasy: I’m probably one of the few readers who isn’t in any sort of fantasy league. I just come for the dick jokes.

-Andrew

Oh fuck, really? You’re in Brooklyn? See, I might’ve worked up a modicum of sympathy if you were stuck in Ugmo College in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere. But you’re in a city teeming with attractive women. If you want to go the “Bored to Death” route as try to pose as something you’re not, I’m sure there’s a perfectly nice dense cougar willing to pretend that she believes you. Otherwise, I guess you can deign to weed through the hordes of attractive but, like you, pretentious girls at nearby colleges. It’s a struggle, I know. Be strong.

I’ve already nicknamed you guys once, I’ll leave it at that.

Thanks Gruden. Do I get to be “The Homer”?

Fantasmic Football:

Also second FF question: Should I drop Brian Westbrook? He’s been dog feces for the year, and I’m a sucker for drafting him. I’m thinking of just picking up an up and coming guy like this Ryan Moats character or something. Westbrook’s been worthless for me except for week 1.

The Steelers last game in Denver was actually in 2007, and even though the Steelers lost, Ben had 290 yards passing and four TDs. Not that that terrible ’07 Broncos D has anything to do with the much improved current one, but at least we know THE BEN’s not Ryan Clark and affected by the altitude. Hasselbeck has been pretty hit or miss since returning from injury, with two good statistical games sandwiching a horrible one, but he should put up good numbers against the Lions. Denver still has the league’s statistically stingiest D, which is playing at home and coming off an embarrassing loss that is bound to motivate them. Start Hass.

/barf

Copulation:

Steeler fan in Peru

Well, it only takes that one percent of abnormal behavior for her to stab you in your sleep. And for one percent, that’s quite the litany of serious issues. If you can somehow get the homicidal ex-boyfriend killed (it’s South America, I imagine the laws are generally more lax on these things) I’d say it’s worth sticking it out a little. I’d probably cut and run but there are some guys who treasure the crazies.

Dear Pink Triangle Latin Kings,

Football- I don’t have a fantasy question. However, I think I speak for all Dolphins fans in asking for a “Gibril Fucking Wilson” tag. He makes Brian Russell look like Ed Reed. Okay, that’s not quite true. But he is terrible.

Yeah, but it’s always funnier when white guys are terrible at sports. GRITTY GALLOWS HUMOR!

On the other hand, he does bear a startling resemblance to DeAngelo Barksdale, for whatever that’s worth.

/things you can learn at Harvard next year

Sex – I’ll just cut to the chase. I’m concerned that my years of copious pornography consumption have impaired my ability to have sexual relations with an actual woman. I’ve been with two women over the course of my life, both within the last year and a half (I’ll be 28 later this month). Both times, I was unable to finish the job (that is, my quarterback pulled himself from the game before the end of the fourth quarter). It should be noted that there are some plausible alternate explanations, like the fact that I’m on Zoloft, performance anxiety due to inexperience, and the fact that I wasn’t necessarily all that attracted to the women I was with. But let’s go with the porn. Have I permanently damaged my ability to hook up? What can I do to counteract the effects?

xoxo,
B to the D

C’mon, don’t blame the porn, lest you force the guy who loves porny girls make mush of your face. Seriously though, if Dan Savage has taught me anything, it has more to do with how hard you’ve ravaged yourself while watching said porn. If you’ve gone to town on your trebuchet (all subsequent references to penii in this column will be such) with extreme prejudice over the years, it’s going to take some time to train it to respond to conventional sex. Also, it helps if you actually are with a girl you’re attracted to. Find one of those and if the problems persist, then start to worry.

Dear KSK,

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years, I have no doubt I’m going to marry this girl, and she recently moved in with me. About two months ago while packing away things in storage I found a mini video tape that sparked my curiosity. I played it only to find a sex tape of her with an ex-boyfriend from years ago. I can honestly say it didn’t disturb me THAT much. The two things that did irk me were that she seemed friskier and more dominant in the video and that she hasn’t gotten rid of the tape since then. She has definitely come across it numerous times while moving. My wonder is if she still replays the thing from time to time. I also would like to know how to pull that friskier side out. I have tried numerous ways to get her to open up sexually since then. In no way is our sex life bad, but it isn’t amazing. I feel like I’m to blame for some of our mundane sexual routine but nothing I’ve tried in the last few months has created the spark I am looking for. Do I tell her that I watched the tape and would like to find that sexually dormant personality? It’s risky and could go a number of directions. I also worry that somewhere deep down she could be unsatisfied, although I doubt she would ever admit to it.

If she’s lugging the thing around in plain sight, she definitely has a use for it. I know in general women are better at the taking pictures and trying to hold onto memories than guys, but sex tapes typically don’t fall into the fond mementoes scanned over on a rainy day years later category.

You’re right, there’s not much to be gained by telling your girlfriend that you watched her fuck another dude and that you noticed that she was far more into it than she is with you. Unless you think that epiphany will magically trigger the long-dormant sexpot she’s been hiding until the moment you broke down her performance Jaws-like with another guy.

Fantasy:
1. Cadillac or Jamaal Charles?
2. Is Eddie Royal going to have more production and is he worth holding on to?

Thanks,
Matt

1. Start Charles
B. The Steelers have allowed kickoff return TDs in each of their last two games, so hanging onto Royal for at least one more week might not be a bad idea.

Gents,

Fantasy: I need some help with my WRs and flex spot. This week my options are DeSean Jackson (DAL), Hines Ward (@DEN, also I have Big Ben starting), Sims-Walker (KC), Maroney (MIA), Bradshaw (SD), and Jamaal Charles (@JAC). I’m leaning towards Jackson, Ward, and Sims-Walker but would it make sense to sub in one of the RBs at the flex spot?

Bradshaw is very tempting against the Chargers shitty, shitty run D, especially because against Tennessee, Sims-Walker had his first subpar game of the year since his breakout in Week 2. But then he’s going against the Chiefs, so I’d say a bounce back is likely enough to keep him in there.

Sex: I have been with my girlfriend for a long time. In her previous relationship she was cheated on and as a result she has some pretty big trust issues. I’m a very trusting person so when she does things like constantly ask who I’m talking to on the phone and texting with it really bothers me. She has gotten a little better but pretty much every person I’ve talked to says that ultimately that is something that will live with her forever.

Seems like every person you talked to is a little melodramatic. Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, no doubt, but it’s hardly justification to indulge in extreme paranoia with all future partners in perpetuity.

She wants to get engaged and talks about it with me quite a lot (to the point where I tell her to stop pressuring me about it) and every time I think about it I get scared that I’m going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. The only redeeming thing about it all is that I know it will go away to a certain extent if we were to get engaged but I know an engagement shouldn’t be a fix. She’s hot, we have great sex, and there are a lot of things I love about her, but trust is incredibly important to me. Will she ever get over it or am I living in a fantasy world thinking that this will never be an issue again?

You’re right to be concerned if your girlfriend of “a long time” is constantly on the lookout for you to be messing around behind her back. An engagement might be the thing that proves to her that you’re never going to stray, but most likely it won’t. And it really shouldn’t have to come to that. My guess is she has other issues with trust that run deeper than the fact that she was cheated on in a previous relationship. The next time you get pressure about an engagement, you need to your concerns about her distrust be known.

ok guys

Fantasy first: Thanks to co-running a team with a friend who apparently drafts like a drunken chimp, I’m dealing with a lot of third options and assorted dreck here. The only week in week out solid plays I have are QB (Brees) and TE (Celek). Do me a solid and sift through the rest of this stuff and give me your thoughts: We play one RB, 2WR and 2 RB/WR flex positions. RB’s: Addai (vs Houston), Westbrook (vs Dallas; early reports are that he’ll play), Ricky Williams (vs NE) and Tiny Darren at NYG. WR’s: Breaston & Boldin (@Chi), Hester (vs Ari), Welker (@Mia) and D Mason (@Cin). My initial thoughts are to play Addai, Welker, Breaston, R Williams and Mason, but wanted to get an outside opinion.

Can I just say Boldin’s been a gimpy little cunt all season? Indestructible, my ass.

/bitter

Anyway, I’d say your instincts are correct here. If Hester weren’t dealing with an ankle injury, I’d counsel starting him in place of Mason, but as it stands, stick with the favorite target of the QB who still lives at home with his parents.

Sex: I broke up with my ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. We’re still on relatively friendly terms and all, but we’re not dating anymore. So about a month ago I found a profile she’d created on a dating site and contacted her through a fake profile I set up. Because it’s really me, she’s so blow away by how much she and my fake guy have in common and how much he gets her. So anyway, here’s the thing: my ex has a bit of a sexually submissive streak, which we always found fun when we were dating. So she’s been exchanging some VERY dirty emails with my fake profile guy where he/I has been dominating her (telling her how to masturbate, when to get off, stuff like that). On top of which, I’ve been using the fake guy to get her to call me up and engage in some truly epic sex. First off, I know this is a hugely dick move. It’s not fair to her, she’d never talk to me again if she found out and it’s not something I can do forever. So my question is…actually, I didn’t have a question. I just wanted to confess to someone who’s probably heard worse.

Corey

Well, isn’t this just the fakest fakery that’s ever been faked? In the off chance that your tale actually is true, yes, you’re a colossal cockcubby who will get his in this life or the next.

Also, your name is Corey. Your hotline ripped off Lisa Simpson, you hump.

Dear men who know more than I,

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for a few months now. We really care about each other, she is a great girl and possibly marriage material. The problem is that she’s never touched a penis before, mine included. I’ve fingered her a few times, so it’s not like she’s against a physical relationship. We’ve talked about it a little, and she says she might warm up to the idea of going down there eventually, but it’s just starting to get frustrating for me. I keep trying to explain to her that furthering our physical relationship furthers our emotional relationship, but she’s still so reluctant.

I understand there’s a certain amount of shyness in the bedroom that comes with dating a girl that’s never been around male genitalia, but what do I do? Do I continue to play with her vag and hope that she one day returns the favor, or do I withhold it from her? Would maybe going down on her be a good option on speeding up her decision?

I doubt she’s fiendishly baiting you to submit to oral first before she reciprocate, so punishing her isn’t the way to get her to jump on your dick. You didn’t mention how old you/her are, but even though you mention possible marriage somewhere down the line, the subject of actual sex didn’t come up, only fingering. So I’m guessing you’re probably really young. There’s bound to be some unease early on with the first timer, especially if you’re older than I think you are. Consider forcing the issue a little. No, I don’t mean jam your cock down her throat, but say you two are watching TV, guide her hand down there. Or even after once you’re done with one of your fingering sessions. If she recoils, kindly remind her that one must get as good as they give, and it’s time to pony the fuck up.

I have Andre Johnson (@Ind) in one WR spot, just need to know who else to start. TJ Housh (@Det) Derrick Mason (@Cin) Donald Driver (@TB) Austin Collie (Hou).

Thanks,
-D

Start Driver.

Purveyors of Poontang Pontification,

Awesome alliteration, assface.

Fantasy first. I’m in a multi-sport league, MLB, NFL, NBA. I know you hate that shit, but screw it, telling people who to start is a bit boring. Pretty standard scoring (no PPR, 6/4 Rush/Pass TDs, 25/10 Pass/Rush yds/pt). My team is 3-5. 10 teams, probably need to win 4 out of last 5 to make playoffs, 3-2 may do. Overall standings are heavily skewed to playoff success. 2 keepers. Brady, Roethlisberger, Kevin Smith, Moreno, Pierre Thomas, Julius Jones, Fitzgerald, Holmes, Mason, Carlson (used to be Daniels). I’m planning on keeping Roethlisberger and Moreno b/c I got them at good value (forfeit draft picks from where you drafted your keepers). So should I blow this team up and trade away Brady & Fitty for some quality NBA talent and make a run at a basketball championship or do I have a chance of winning 4 of the last 5 and hope for lightning to strike in the playoffs?

Fuck the NBA. Go all in on the football team, dipshit.

Sex. There is a young lady about my age in my office who has caught my attention, I should say, I believe I’ve caught hers. We work for completely different companies but we share the same space, break room, copy room, bathrooms, elevators, etc. We talk and flirt a little, she goes out of her way to make playful comments to me, etc. She’s cute, but a little heavy (needs to lose about 20% of her bodyweight). It could be just excess college fat, but I’m not attracted enough to her to date/fuck sober right now. On the other hand, she’s decent enough that, knowing my drunk self, I would almost certainly have sloppy drunken sex with her. With the holiday season approaching (and the accompanying libational office holiday parties) that one-sided sexual tension is likely going to come to a head. She’s very cool and I like her as a person, but I’m just not that attracted to her. Should I refrain from partaking in inebriated coitus so I don’t hurt her feelings? I would feel bad if she thought it would lead to anything more. Also, I would be very interested in dating her if she lost some weight. She’s a prime post-college weight shedding candidate. But right now, I don’t really want to see her naked without alcohol blurring my vision. Or should I just stop over-thinking it and let my evolutionary instinct to spread my seed take over?

Probably Thinks a Little Too Much of Himself

Probably?

You think this girl is unattractive, but start a letter to a sex advice column by saying she caught your attention? Sounds like we have a clear-cut case of “GAH! I THINK MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES WILL JUDGE ME HARSHLY FOR BEING INTO A CHUBBY GIRL!” Just take your drunken holiday party sex and shut the fuck up. Who says she wants a serious relationship with you? (though once she gets a better idea of your charms, I’m sure that’s bound to change) Maybe the girl just wants to fuck.

Proprietors of KSK,

So I started at my current job a little over year ago on the same day as this girl who works in the same department and position as me. We ended up as pretty good friends, since we were both fresh out of grad school and my co-workers are mostly old/terrible. However, this girl is pretty hot, so I figured I’d invite her and her long-term boyfriend out to grab a drink with me and my long-term girlfriend (now wife), so that I wouldn’t later get yelled at when my girl inevitably met my coworker. Well, although my wife was civil and pleasant to her during this and during subsequent happy hours with my other coworkers, my wife made it very clear that she HATES this girl on a quasi-Aniston vs. Jolie level and does not ever want to see her if at all possible, ostensibly because this coworker is somehow out to steal me away from her or something like that. Despite the fact that this is an absurd idea, I sort of get where my wife is coming form since a) this girl is in fact hot, b) she’s kinda touchy/unprofessional with people on a regular basis (i.e. kissed both me and my wife goodbye on the cheek after a happy hour), and c) my wife and I went to grad school together and work in the same field, but this girl and I work together all the time in a very niche area of this same field.

I wouldn’t mind except for the fact that this girl and her boyfriend are INSANELY fun to hang out with. They lived in New Orleans for a while before moving here to DC, so by “fun” I mean they’ve actually fashioned a concealable platypus to carry a half-gallon of homemade Hurricaines with them to drink during those interminable 4-minute walks between bars. Of course, I’m afraid to even suggest hanging out them now based on past results. Cue the Charlie Brown theme as I morosely flip through FB pix of their kickass halloween party that we were not at. My question is, do concede to my wife with regards to this, or do I try to somehow rehabilitate the relationship between coworker (who seems blissfully unaware of the blistering rays of hatred directed her way) and my wife, so that we can have Mardi Gras upwards of 5 times a month? On the one hand, this is probably the only thing that really bugs me about our relationship, and my wife has never in the almost 4 years we’ve been together pulled this with any other female friend I’ve had, so I could see just giving her this based on accumulated good will in other areas. But this coworker and her boyfriend live together, have been together for over three years and seem headed towards engagement pretty soon, plus she’s the skinny, Kate Moss-type hot whereas I’ve always been a Christina Hendricks-type guy (my wife knows this, and is herself an epitome thereof)…so the idea that this coworker is gonna “steal” me away is absurd. Can’t we all just hang out and get wrecked on Hurricaines?

You can try to rehab their relationship all you want, but your potentially psycho wife seems bound and determined to hate this girl forever. Believe me, that woman-on-woman hate, once established, doesn’t dissipate easily. Especially when your argument to patch things up boils down to “but she’s so fun to get drunk with!”

Fantasy. I need to know who to start this week as my 2nd WR next to Reggie Wayne, and I’m in a 16-team keeper league, so the pickings are slim. Choices are: Lance Moore v. Carolina, Johnny Knox v. ‘zona (Hester may have a bad ankle injury), Pierre Garcon v. Houston, or Sam Aiken v. Miami.

Keep up the good work.

God damn Lance Moore. Worst sleeper pick ever. I say go with Knox and Garcon.

[Top image credit]

Wow. Some really great submissions this week. I would’ve loved to have gotten to every question, but I really do prefer to keep this shorter than a Gregg Easterbrook column. (Good Lord, could you imagine Easterbrook writing this column? (Sour Play of the Week No.2: When TMQ’s wife refused to lube the strap-on with hamburger grease.”)

Anyway, if you didn’t make the cut this week, please don’t hesitate to hit us up for next week’s column. We (I) prefer to receive mailbag submissions on Tuesday or Wednesday, as this unwieldy monster requires some thought and, occasionally, research. In the space below, we’ll address sex during pregnancy, midseason trades, mismatched sex drives, tattoo turn-offs, Catholic guilt, Marques Colston, and more. (People, do NOT ask us if you need to start Colston. Yes. Start him. Every week.)

You dirty fuckers,
We will start with the sex issue of the day. My wife is carrying our first child. Due to her changing body, she is contributing our complete lack of sex to 10% being her insecurities about her changing body and 90% to just being downright uncomfortable. We have only been married one year this week and should be banging like rabid donkeys and I feel a bit put out. What is the best course of action? 1.) Make her feel better about the insecurities and tell her to suck it up? 2.) Engage her in a deep psychological reconnaissance mission to find a potential deeper issue for the lack of sex? 3.) Immerse myself in porn? I don’t know.

Oh, I’m sorry! Thanks for playing, but the answer we were looking for was (4) Don’t get your wife pregnant during the first year of your marriage. But don’t worry, I’ve heard that your sex life picks up exactly where it left off after you have kids! (In 18 years.)

Now to the fantasy question. I am the commish of a typical 10 team inter-office league, $20 per entry, winner take all. I have this one jackass in the league that makes at least 30 trade proposals a week. In the normal course of life this guy is completely oblivious to his own major short-comings and he has carried it over to the fantasy league. It has become a running joke for us to compare dildo’s absurd trade requests throughout the office. It was all fun and games until he hung himself out there bad to the #2 team in the league. When I saw the trade request, I thought to myself, “he is really fucking himself.” I didn’t think much of it until another guy in the league came over to my desk and suggested that I veto the trade because he was giving the guy so much talent in exchange for peanuts. With all the whimsical trade requests he has offered, it was only a matter of time before he fucked himself and the rest of us. Do I need to explain myself in this situation to the rest of the league if I were to veto his trade? Is it wrong for me to just cut off his trade function all together?
Sincerely,
dying to power trip on this fool

This is a tough one, as I’d like to suggest you allow the trade to punish the jackass. However, your duty as commissioner is to make sure the league is run fairly, and this would seem like the time to veto the trade, turn off his trade function, and write a long decree outlining Corky McMongoloid’s retardery and explaining your actions. Essentially, you want to embarrass him and make him hate everyone in the league so he doesn’t want to join next year.

Despots of Dick Jokes,
First, the sex.  So, one night I got drunk and hooked up with an ex-girlfriend that was about to leave town.  Since we both were interested in dating again, we started up the relationship long-distance.  The problem is that we’re both fairly religious people and didn’t really want to continue this behavior… but the sex was fantastic and we slipped back into it every time we saw each other.  Now she’s probably going to be breaking up with me because we aren’t keeping physical boundaries that we’d both prefer.  I’m wondering if you think it’s at all possible to stop getting it on after you know you have great sexual chemistry?

Dear human being, sex isn’t wrong. Religion is a social construct created thousands of years ago to control the uneducated masses. By all means, believe in God and worship as you please, but don’t drop this Catholic guilt bullshit about sex being wrong. If you need someone to tell you that God gets mad when you have sex before marriage, you’ve written into the wrong mailbag. Get over yourselves and fuck away.

Now, the fantasy football moral dilemma.  We’re playing in a league together and she dropped BJacobs for Chester Taylor (yeah… she’s not great at fantasy sports) after deciding that we should probably break up.  Am I being a dick to the rest of the league if I swoop in and pick up the manchild without stepping in and telling her not to do that?  Is that still my responsibility?
-MP

No, it’s not. But you may want to ask Jesus, just in case.

Dear Gentlemen –
Sex: My fiancé wants to have sex every night, which I attribute to her unfortunate childhood (namely, hearing her father frequently accuse her mother of cheating on him because she didn’t want to sleep with him). I’m in law school, so I’m simply not up to the task every night (I know, I know, I’m a baby, need to man up, blah blah blah). I’ve tried explaining this multiple times, but she still takes it personally. To an extent, I understand- I’m literally rejecting her advances; however, it’s not like we have a non-existent sex life. We still have sex three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how I can explain this to her without causing more damage?

I’m sure others will want to harangue you about your complaint, but it’s a real problem — and I speak from experience. How did I handle my situation? Well, I carefully explained that I had to work a couple nights a week in order to stay on top of the blogging game, and that I needed a night or two off per week. She said she understood, then we still ended up having sex every night. even on nights when I wasn’t feeling it beforehand, I was pretty happy we decided to have sex.

As her future husband, you should feel a responsibility to satisfy your mate. And as a man, you have the ability to be convinced to have sex. Believe me. Let her go down on you for a couple minutes and see how badly you don’t want to have sex any more.

Fantasy: I was recently offered a trade in a no-keeper, 3 WR 2 RB league: I give up Colston, Marshall, and Longwell and get Edwards, Turner, and Shiancoe. I have Ward and Manningham, so I’m not sure my WRs would take a big hit. My other kicker is Crosby, and he’s been comparable to Longwell. My RBs are Slaton and Westbrook, and Westbrook worries me.

Obviously, this email was written before Westbrook’s concussion on MNF.

Also, my TEs are John Carlson and Jermichael Finley, and I’m not positive Finley will become what I originally thought he would. So, do I take the trade, counter-offer Colston for Turner straight up, or reject it and stick with what I’ve got?
Regards,
BrentFarve

Counter-offer Colston for Turner straight-up. He’s trying to stick you with Braylon — who WILL drive you insane — in order to rob you of Brandon Marshall. Don’t fall for it.

Hold on a second. Your other kicker? You keep TWO kickers?  Dude. Dude. Your homework tonight is to drop Crosby and pick up a second- or third-string running back who can get some playing time if someone gets injured. Or throw a kicker into the trade to sweeten the deal to get Turner. Just don’t keep two kickers on your team.

Consiglieres of Coitus,
What’s the official KSK policy on plowing your buddy’s girlfriend?

Seriously? We still need to ask these things?

He’s dating this girl that I work with who is mind-bendingly hot and way out of my league, but recently their relationship has started to go tits-up. I also recently broke up with a friend of hers I was dating. We’ve been talking a lot about our relationships and sex lives, but I never figured it would amount to anything. Finally it leads to her telling me in no uncertain terms that she would gladly be bludgeoned by my meat bat.

She’s won over by your chivalrous words, no doubt.

I’ve always tried to be an ethical guy and a good friend, but this could be my only opportunity to sleep with a woman this attractive. Do I go for it?

No, of course you don’t. But you’re a fucking terrible friend, so you’ll do it anyway. C’mon, at least wait until they break up.

As for fantasy football, I have no real dilemmas. But I am in a league that starts two quarterbacks and is both IDP and PPR. I’ll give you a minute to scoop your brain up off the floor.
-T

Sounds like the kind of league where people fuck their friends’ girlfriends.

Gents,
Fantasy: I have some bye week shuffling and have 4 of these guys to pick, so tell me what you think. I need one of them in my open WR slot (unless Megatron doesn’t play against StL, then I use both), one in an open RB spot, one to start at TE, and an extra one you like at my open RB/WR spot (can’t use a tight end there). It’s a half PPR and everything else is standard.

WR: M. Austin vs. Sea / D. Hester vs. Cle
RB: T. Choice vs. Sea / D. Sproles vs. Oak / P. Thomas vs. Atl
TE: G. Olsen vs. Cle / V. Davis @ Hou

Austin and Sproles for sure. Flip a coin with Hester and Thomas. And at tight end… Davis, I suppose. Olsen’s gotten a couple TD’s, but Davis has way more yardage — I don’t think the shittiness of the Browns makes up for the difference in fantasy numbers.

Sex: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. Everything’s great, including the sex. She has no qualms about going down on me on a regular basis either. Good for me, right? The only problem is, while I obviously enjoy her efforts, she’s not very careful with her teeth. And I don’t think it’s intentional. It scrapes. As you can imagine, it can be painful. Not to the point that I have to stop her (there are probably few things short of a plane crashing into the house that would make me do that), but the kind of pain where I have to wince and grab onto a pillow. I guess overall it doesn’t stop me from the positive end result, but it definitely knocks me out of euphoria each time it happens. Just knowing what kind of girl she is, I know she’d get embarrassed if I ever pointed out that she was hurting me, and she might be hesitant to do the deed on anything close to a regular basis. I’m sure there are guys who would be happy with the pain, but it’s not for me. So: Man up, shut up, and consider myself lucky enough as it is, or risk hurting her feelings (and losing out) but avoid the pain?

We’ve all been there. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say “Ow” when she rakes her teeth on your dick. That’ll get her attention. Then you say, “Babe, careful with the teeth, please.” And if she needs extra reassurance, you tell her please don’t stop and it really turns you on blah blah blah. Then be all, “Less talky more sucky.”

And ladies: lips over teeth, please. It bothers me to no end that there are grown women who can’t fellate their way out of a paper bag.

Gentlemen,
fantasy football: I play in a 10 team league that starts 2 quarterbacks. My starters are Ben and Brees, and Ben is on a bye this week. I had Shaun Hill as my back up, figuring I would only need him for the two bye weeks. He has since been downgraded to the king of the bench behind baby hands Alex Smith. I need a victory this week, and I have an offer for a trade for The Bulge, but I have to give up Jeremy Maclin. I have reasonable depth at wide out, meaning that I have 4 or 5 guys that all put up mediocre numbers. Is the trade worth it?

Well, your main concern should be that the Rams are fucking terrible so you shouldn’t want Bulger. But Maclin’s had just one good game, and it’s been an aberration compared to the rest of his season. He shouldn’t be starting in a ten-team league. So I guess you can make the trade, but you should realize that you’re getting the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.

Sex: So, I started dating a girl a couple of months ago, and after a month I put her next to Shaun Hill on the bench. I wasn’t a dick about it, I simply told her that I wasn’t into her and wanted to see other people. A couple of weeks later she told me that she was pregnant with my demon seed. It was odd, because she she was only 3 1/2 weeks pregnant, which i didn’t know you could tell that early.

Nope. You can get a positive pregnancy test within 7-10 days after conception.

Things have grown more suspicious over the past month. I haven’t been invited to go to a doctor’s appointment with her, and every week it seems like more and more drama is going on that makes me feel straight out of daytime TV. These things have included her passing out, having a Russian guy text me from her phone telling me to watch my back (the text used words and phrases that she would use), and her telling me two weeks ago that it was more than likely twins. After I sufficiently shit my pants, I started dealing with it. I’m trying to be supportive but this chick is fucking crazy. My friends have advised me to invite her over, and when she does give her a pregnancy test and tell her to start pissing. Do you have any advice on this situation? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick, find out she’s is actually pregnant and then spend two decades with this girl trying to ruin my life because of the way I handle things now.

Help?
-From the Hopeless

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeikes. I would recommend NOT inviting her over to your house. Maybe to the top of the stairs, or to the local coat hanger factory. But not your house.

But no, you’re right: you DO need to find out if she’s pregnant. This is best done with your eyes by looking at her stomach. In order to do this, I’d suggest being nice to her. Ask her out to coffee under the conceit that the two of you need to clear the air about your future interaction, since she’s supposedly pregnant with your two children. Be honest and forthright in the big-picture stuff: it’s too bad you didn’t have the right feelings for her, but you don’t want to be a deadbeat, so you want do fatherly things like feel her stomach to see if the babies are kicking — oh, and while she’s there, this seems like a good time to talk about getting lawyers to draw up what kind of child support there should be, and also you need to arrange a paternity test. You know, just to be sure.

Basically, this woman — pregnant or not — has been able to fuck with your head by catching you off-guard about a serious issue. It’s time you started thinking a couple moves ahead.

(NOTE TO ALL READERS: Use a fucking condom.)

Bearers of gold, frankincense and myrrh,
Sex – I’ve been happily married for ten years and have two kids. The wife and I have sex on average two to three times a week. My question revolves around protocol when she is battling a cold. Typically this means one to two weeks of going to tube8.com for satisfaction, which is sort of like having to settle for the old woman while a very doable (at the time) Sondra Locke is sitting in the wagon waiting for Ten Bears. Is there a way to get any loving from a sick spouse without being seen as an inconsiderate lout?

Nope. Be a good husband: bring her chicken soup and flowers, and go out of your way to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to. The payoff on the backend will be considerably better sex.

Fantasy – Leagues that employ a flex position are lame. Flex positions are to fantasy as the Canadian Football League is to the NFL. In fact, I’ve found that the more asinine the fantasy question is, the more likely it’s from some dork in a flex position league (Look it up, it’s true!) So my question to people in flex leagues is a two parter. Eli Manning sucks and go fuck yourselves.

Well, I disagree about the flex position — it makes sense for the wave of bye weeks that take up the plurality of the fantasy regular season. However, I admire the panache with which you made your point. Bravo, sir.

Dear KSK:
Fantasy: I am 2-5 but would be 5-2 if I knew how to play matchups, I ask for your guidance. Standard scoring with .5 PPR. 2 WR, 2 RB, one flex, and I am totally stumped here. For receivers I got Jennings (vs. Minnesota), Crabtree (@ Indy), Maclin (vs Giants), Manningham (@ Philly), Collie (vs. San Fran). At RB I got Jacobs (@ Philly), Westbrook (vs. Giants), Knowshon (@ Balt), Beanie Wells (vs. Carolina). I feel douchey asking for so much help, but everyone I bench ends up breaking out, so I am leaving my fate to you.

That might not be wise. Before the season we told some guy to make Forte his keeper instead of Tom Brady. He’s not happy with us.

In descending order of how strongly I feel about them: Jennings, Jacobs, Knowshon, Beanie, Manningham.

Sex: I have been dating my girl for over a year now. We’ve dropped the L-bomb and talk about how were gonna get married down the line. Recently I have found out that she has had a lot more partners than I have, which sorta bothers me but I can get past that. Then I found out she is into some really kinky shit (likes fisting, hasn’t tried bondage but really wants to). This came out of nowhere from her, so now I am wondering what she is still holding back. I am having trouble respecting a girl who has done all this kinky shit with other guys. Tell me I’m not a pussy please.
-VP

Sorry: you’re a pussy. Men existed in her life before you entered it. And guess what, they might have even had bigger dicks! Get over yourself.

Gentlemen,
Sex First: Last weekend, I went out with a good friend, his girlfriend, and his sister. My buddy was being an ass all night, but his sister and I hit it off pretty well and graduated to shamelessly flirting in front of him. She’s really athletic and has pretty killer legs, so I was pleased with the direction this was headed. He called it a night, we went out for more drinks and hanging out, made it back to my place, had some intense making out, and slept in the same bed (no sex). Then, she invites me to her place on Monday…further making out ensues, but again I go home without getting down and dirty with her. Any advice on graduating this from high school making out to full-blown, toe curling, carnal lust? Situations that involve copious amounts of alcohol (for her) would probably help, I imagine.

I feel the following are pertinent facts: 1. She broke off an engagement a month ago. 2. I have a bet with another friend regarding which one of us will nail her first. 3. Holding this over her brother would be really huge for me for the rest of my life. 4. I’m working about a 3 month dry spell right now, which sucks.

5. Your life is the pinnacle of negative stereotypes about frat boys. 6.You’re playing the villain in a 1980s college comedy.

Seriously, how did you write that list without using the word “bro”? Do you have any kind of mental barometer for what assholes do versus what good human beings do? Give the girl some time to get over her broken engagement, call off the bet, let go of your immature desire to use a woman to hurt your friend, and THEN, maybe, you’ll see your three-month dry spell end.

Fantasy: Two of my starting three WRs are locks (Fitty and D. Jackson). Advice on the #3 slot: Nicks (@PHI); Knox (@ CLE); Crabby (@IND). I’m a Giants fan, so I lean toward Nicks, but I have used Knox a few games this year with success (PPR league and return yards/tds count in this league, so that gives Knox a plus). I’m not quite sold on starting Crabby yet. Also, who the fuck is Megatron?

Nicks is a solid play, and Manningham’s hands have been less than stellar lately, so he might get more looks. But I’d look into Cleveland’s special teams coverage before I made the call if I were you.

Megatron is Calvin Johnson. It’s a nickname he got from Roy Williams during his rookie season. Welcome to the blogosphere.

My RB situation always seems to be a crapshoot. Pick two: Slaton (@BUF); Addai (@SF); Grant (@MIN); Hightower (@CAR); F. Jones (@SEA). I liked Grant’s matchups the last couple of weeks, started him two weeks ago and he shit on me, so replaced him with Addai last week and Grant had a great game (for Ryan Grant, that is).
Thanks,
MF

Slaton and Addai. Slaton over Grant is a little bit of a risk, but teams have been running roughshod over the Bills. I’d also strongly consider Felix Jones. I’m not picking him because I prefer guys that are guaranteed to get the touches, but he’s got a chance to break some plays against a Seahawks defense that’s susceptible to long runs.

Dear KSK,
I met my current GF three months ago. We met in a pretty standard way, drunk at a bar. We went home that first night and nothing happened. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy. We didn’t have any type of sex until 6 weeks into our relationship. And actually set a day to be our first time.

The time finally comes. I jerked off 5 times a day leading up to the day so I wouldn’t be a one pump Gump. I get to her apartment that night and it’s all candles and 2 glasses of wine. We ordered pizza (so romantic I know). After food and maybe 2 glasses of wine a piece it gets hot and heavy. Clothes are coming off. When I pulled her shirt off she had an interesting tattoo across her upper abdomen. In about 6 inch solid black old English writing it simply said “FUCK.” Nothing about her ever told me there was a possibility of a giant “FUCK” tattoo. She’s 25, finished with school, has a career (fraud manager), and all that jazz. I obviously do a quintuple take and ask “what the heck is that?” She immediately starts crying and apologizing as she’s pullng her shirt on. We go through all the talking and I come to find she was a bit of a wild child when she was younger and got it when she was 19. I come to find out her hood and nipples were also pierced. She says she regretted it a week after she got it. Her insurance won’t cover the removal and she can’t afford the removal until she finishes paying her student loans. I told her it didn’t bother me, but the mood was ruined for that night.

We have since had great sex (with our shirts on). I think I’m in love with this chick, but the tattoo fucking bothers me to no end. She won’t take her shirt off when we have sex. She has the few times we’ve fucked while drunk, but even then it bothered me. I have told her that it’s not my favorite thing about her but she has no idea how upset it makes me. Am I being selfish about this? I want to be with her, but not with the tattoo. I have not even told my friends about this. Do I tell her it bothers me and potentially crush her or do I bite my tongue and see if this relationship is the real deal and eventually help her pay for the removal.
-Shuan (It’s pronounced Schwan, i hate my parents)
PS-Fantasy: My first two picks this year. LT & Frank Gore. Have you heard of a worse 1-2 pick combo this year?

As much as I’d like to admonish you for your tastes — I have searched my entire adult life for a woman with hidden piercings and a FUCK tattoo — a turn-off is a turn-off. But then, my stomach turns when I see a woman in pearls and a sweater set. To each his own, even if you’re wasting a freaky good time.

One thing’s clear to me: not only are YOU not comfortable with the tattoo, neither is she — and you’re partly to blame for it. The only way that we can conquer our dislike for something is by exposing ourselves to it. So you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. And no, do NOT tell her how much you hate the tattoo, but you do need to stress that it’s gotten in the way of you two furthering your intimacy. You need to start by having sex with your shirts off. Do it in complete darkness at first if you have to. Then add a little bit of light. Get used to seeing the tattoo, even if it’s just in your periphery. (For Christ’s sake! She has pierced nipples! Don’t let her cover that with a shirt.) When you get used to seeing it, force yourself to caress the tattoo. Kiss it. You’re not going to like it at first — and let’s be honest: you may not like it, ever — but facing the thing you don’t like is the only chance you have of liking or accepting it. As my friend Joe said, “I tried hummus 25 times before I liked it.”

And yes, LT and Gore was a horrible 1-2. You should have known better.

Do you think the Pope masturbates? I really don’t have any leaning one way or the other on the matter, but this is where I’m torn. First of all, dude is probably so powerful that he can get his knob slobbered on by just about anyone he wants (bad news for all the youngsters entering junior high in the Vatican). But then, wouldn’t he just be all, “Screw this, I’m the Pope, and I feel like giving the Kid Pope a coupla tugs.” I really don’t know how this would turn out, so if you happen to be a former Pope and could bring some insight to this debate, your correspondence would be appreciated.

We lead off with a non-question. It was just such a bizarre email–whether it was intended for the sexbag or not–that I just had to show it some love:

Hey fellas,
so I have a story I’d like to share…I’m a fan of and read the KSK
and follow all links, NSFW or not, and this brings me to the point
where I forgot I followed the link with the words of “we’re gunna need
a bigger boat” and 5 months later a drunk lady friend wants to show a
friend of mine some porn and tries to go to redtube.com and thinks I
had it bookmarked only to see the shark getting it on. after quite a
bit of ridicule from my friends I obtain the nickname of: shark porn.
so I’d like to thank you for helping me achieve this nickname.

—————
Dear Shark Porn:

Anyway, onto the actual mailbag:

Purveyors of Pigskin and Poon-

Sex: I recently started seeing this girl about a month ago, and things have been going very well, with one noticeable exception. We’ve had several marathon makeout sessions, but as of yet we haven’t gotten know each other carnally.

Jesus fucking Christ, Willie. You on a deadline or something?

We saw each other last night and during another makekout session, I broached the subject of what her timetable typically is for getting down to business, and after some hesitation on her part, she dropped a bit of a bomb on me- she hasn’t as of yet cashed in her V Card.

Wait a second…they GIVE YOU CASH FOR THOSE THINGS?!

So, one the one hand I felt relived, as my previous question to her was (jokingly) if she had a dick. But on the other hand, her revelation to me was still a bit of a shock. Now, with this in mind, here’s some much needed context- we’re both in our 30s, and she explained that she went through high school and college thinking she should save herself for marraige. She made the decision in her mid-20s to scrap the idea of chastity, but never got around to having her. Also, I’m not looking at this as an excuse to bail, since we get along great and in such a short time we’ve gotten very comfortable with each other. However, I am looking for advice on how to approach this moving forward- specifically, what to expect from her and how to deal with it.

The best and worst part of all of this is that you’re starting from square one. You’ve been tapped (heh, tapped) as her official ambassador to Happyland, and that can be pretty cool. It can also be annoying as fuck.

Basically, you’re standing at the tee of a 350-yard par 4; that is to say, you can play any club in the bag here. But remember, the objective here is repeat business, so it’s not a bad idea to march south past the equator through the jungle rather than jumping on a direct flight. Then again, if you do that and she’s expecting a wild, hair-pulling fuck, you run the risk of disappointment. Chick logic dictates that you explore the course of action that you think she’ll like least, because that’s probably what she’ll like best. I don’t get it, either.

Football: Last year I managed to strike rookie gold for my fantasy team and finished 9th in my 12 team league.

That doesn’t sound like gold. That sounds more like boron. It’s one of the noble dipshit elements.

I drafted Forte and Slaton in the 2nd and 7th rounds, respectively, and picked up Matt Ryan, who was a 22nd round pick. So the question is this- should I target a stud WR in the 1st round this season? A lot of the top RBs- Peterson, Turner, MJD, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson- all figure to be kept, meaning guys like Steven Jackson, Portis, Westbrook and LT going in the first 4-5 picks.

If your keeper league starts two running backs (I play in one that doesn’t), and you can get value at RB with your number one, do it. Never mind your wideout situation at that point; you grab the best available player at that point, who typically is also the most scarce. Somebody in your league will be emailing you the day after the draft wondering what it will take for you to part with DeAngelo Willams or Kevin Smith. I find wideouts to have a lot of variance from year to year–I don’t expect Kurt Warner to pull magic out of his ass again, and I’d rather not pin my draft on the promise of Greg Jennings, either. Good luck fucking your girlfriend and your draft. You’ll find great satisfaction in both.

Dear KSK/Anyone who gives a fuck,

Fantasy football first: I’m in a league that scores 6 points per TD, regardless of position. So, is it worth taking Brady 1st overall? Or should I just wait to get a QB in the 2nd round?

Quarterbacks are first-round picks when TD passes are worth 6 points. Mid- to late-first round picks. But you have to go QB-RB or you’re fucked, and by “quarterbacks,” I don’t mean “Matt Hasselbeck.” I’m looking at you, futuremrsrickankiel.

Sex…Or lack there of: So I’m 22 and have yet to have sex. I know, go buy a prosty…Gotchya. You have my word that when I turn 23, I’m going to pay to have sex (how sad is that…). That’s not the problem. See, there’s this girls (thank God) that I’ve known for about 6 and a half years now. Now we’re just friends, according to her, but we’ve done shit two or three times together. And by shit I mean fingerbangin, an over the pants hand job and hell I even went down on her for like…5 seconds.

Five seconds?! Were you just in a hurry? Did you perform this with your head sticking out of a moving car window?

She is easily the hottest girl I know. Short, pretty as hell, great tits/body and an ass that essentially makes me weep when she’s naked/wearing shorts.

Because those are basically the same thing.

Now this is the only ‘experience’ I have, while she’s a bit more experienced than I am. I don’t know if I actually have feelings for this girl, but I mean, we basically spend every day together and everyone thinks we’re married with the way we argue/talk to each other. And she’s even said she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she doesn’t want to be my first. So seriously, what the fuck? Does this chick like me? Am I just convenient? Is there even a way, besides getting plastered with her, where we can do it? My testicles hurt when we’re just hanging out.

Chris in Toronto

This is where a horrible double standard comes into play–men are not allowed to be bad at sex. Oh, sure, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but even the most progressive women realize that it’s the man’s job to mount his woman and perform. And perform you must.

It really is a train wreck of bodies, emotions and semen. Mostly semen, but you can understand why this friend of yours doesn’t want to be placed at the scene, your five-second taco lunch notwithstanding. If you really like this girl, you might consider bringing in another girl into the fold that you may or may not actually have sex with. When your friend finds out that you might be getting your Tex Mex elsewhere, she might be more inclined to partake in your cherry-popping.

What up, faggety fags!

- No hang time guy

Stop eating so much processed sugar. And take Mendenhall.

Gents,

Football first: I am in a 16 team 4 player keeper league that’s pretty compeditive.

I’m sure that it’s really cuddthroat.

I draft dead last and am not keeping a quarterback. That said, I need to go QB with my first pick, or risk marching out mouth breathers like JaMarcus Russell and Shaun Hill. Who are your choices for second tier sleepers this year?

Don’t flip out if you can’t find a quarterback on your first trip up and down the board. There will be plenty of QBs available even after the first five rounds. For a sleeper, I really like Kerry Collins this year. The absence of Albert Haynesworth on the Titans’ D-Line is going to put that team behind in more games this year, and they’ll be counting on Collins to air-deliver salvation for them. While the Titans will struggle in a finally-competitive AFC South, Collins’ numbers should get a nice boost.

Sex: I am dating a really great girl, and I must say, the sex is amazing….at night. Unlike any woman I have ever been with, she refuses to give it up in the morning.

I gotta stop you there. I really can’t stand morning sex. The morning is My Time to be grumpy and insensitive toward everything. You know, before I sit down in front of the laptop each workday. Anyway…

She blames her lack of a morning labedo on her disgust for morning breath, so I have even tried showering and brushing my teeth before crawling back into bed with her and giving her the business. I have even explained that I will gladly do all the work, and it really is a super way to start the day. We get it on nearly every night, but I am batting about .106 in my efforts to get her to give up the “morning glory”…what else can I do?

This reminds me of a semi-funny story from a guy I knew that drove a beer truck in Cincinnati. He’s laying (lying?) in bed, asleep when his disgruntled wife elbows him in the ribs, awakening him. When he turns toward his bride to sort out her issue, she whispers into his ear, “Give me a hummer.” Bear in mind that this was in 1997, so she wasn’t talking about the SUV. But seriously, don’t beat this thing to death; you continually asking her to do it won’t warm her up to the idea. I suggest modifying your approach, possibly beating the alarm by 20 minutes or so, and then putting a vertical smile on your face.

Futbaw first: I’m pretty high on Jason Witten this year.

Bad idea, but please continue.

Basically I’d consider taking him above all wideouts except for Moss, Fitzgerald, and Calvin and Andre Johnson.

Bad, bad idea.

I just can’t see Tony Romo actually getting the ball downfield to his wideouts now that T.O. is gone, and he’s always loved to throw to Witten. Two problems: I hate the Cowboys, and I’m afraid our delightfully insane friend Martellus Bennett is going to take some catches away from Witten. Specifically, I hate the Cowboys so much that I’ve never drafted one, and Bennett looks like he could well turn in to a poor man’s Antonio Gates one of these days. Given those qualms, whadya think about my idea of drafting Witten ahead of all but 4 or 5 wide receivers?

Uh…

Our league allows WR/TE subbing.

Good to know. Say, you looking to join any more leagues?

Sex: I’m a rising college sophomore.

Rising all the way to 12th place in your fantasy league.

Over the past year or so I’ve been fooling around with a lady friend who attends a college out-of-state and visits my school often (we share a mutual friend at my school).

You two share him? That’s hot. And at least 50 percent gay for you.

She’s a bit of a tease. While we’ve gotten close, the deed has never been done. As a lover of the chase this wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem for me, but she’s cost me sure sex with other girls on two occasions now.

One time I was flirting with a girl that I’d previously slept with (and was about to sleep with again) and literally blew her off cold when Tease walked up and made it clear that she didn’t like my flirting with this other girl. I turn my attention to Tease and we wind up in bed again. I haven’t been that pushy with regards to our failure to actually have sex, but this time she eventually whispers that she wants me to fuck her. This is about as green as the light can get, but in the ten seconds between “I want you to fuck me” and my hands reaching her underwear she apparently changes her mind. I back off accordingly.

Ten seconds? TEN SECONDS?! Sheesh…Skip to the 3:00 mark.

Class dismissed.

It’s time to discuss football and sex. And once summer ends, you really shouldn’t be investing your time in anything else. There’s nothing better for the soul, and when either is performed well, one is inclined to scream wonderful things from the top of one’s lungs. It only seems appropriate that we pool our resources to be the best football watchers and significant others that we can be. As the flamboyantly profound MC Hammer once said, “Ring the bell, sucka. School’s back in.”

Sex First: I am attending my buddy’s wedding this weekend and was looking for some advice. I haven’t attended a wedding of any sort since i was in grade school, so i’m looking for as many tips as possible. We went to college together, but i’m not part of the wedding party, so i don’t have any obligations except to get drunk and make passes at the female contingent. I imagine since you guys would have a wealth of wedding dos and don’ts based on your own wedding experiences. I’m currently riding a dry spell so any advice to pick up drunk bridesmaids would be well appreciated.

Weddings are fertile grounds for hooking up: everyone’s dressed up, plenty of common topics for idle chatter, music in the air…and all the single women are depressed. Even the ones with boyfriends. But getting the actual face-to-face is the hardest part. So here’s some advice, in your requested do’s and don’t’s form:

DO dress well. Iron your fucking shirt. But it’s too late to get a haircut. People at weddings with fresh haircuts are annoying. Don’t be that asshole.

DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake. I prefer mixing rum-and-diets with actual diets in alternating trips to the bar. I’m taking trips to the bar because EVERYONE IS AT THE FUCKING BAR. If you’re not talking to people in line–whether it’s with someone you find interesting, or with someone else so that someone interesting can listen in and perhaps interject–you are wasting your time.

DO scout out make-out spots beforehand. Closets and coat rooms obviously are good. Cars are not. Be leery of SUVs, even. But tagging along in the event of a random trip to CVS is always a strong play.

DON’T overcommit. But if someone great wanders up to you in the first half-hour, don’t feel pressured to turn her away. You’re not casting the next Tomb Raider movie. You’re trying to get your dick wet.

And if you want to be an asshole, you could buy the newly wed couple a nicer wedding gift and then brag about it in passing, go for it. Women like assholes for some reason. Look at Rihanna.

Football: I’m in a 10 team Auction League ($100 budget) and was wondering how high you would go for some second tier QB’s. I usually aim for bargains like McNabb or Hasselbeck, and i was wondering what QB’s this year could qualify for the $10-14 winning bid and produce excellent numbers in return?

Virgin Wedding Crasher

Hasselbeck is a great value option; dude never seems to get enough fantasy love. Schaub will be cheap (if he stays healthy, he’ll have a breakout year). Flacco and Pennington kinda scare me, but they’ll be cheap as well. I don’t recommend being too frugal at RB or QB in auction leagues. Good luck.

Football First,

I am a Browns fan (insert joke here).

Fuck the Browns.

2 part question -

Are we going to beat the Steelers at least before they win another Super Bowl?

Mangini was the Vapors of the NFL. The Browns make the Washington Nationals look poised and respectable as an organization. And I like the fact that Cleveland spends the money in free agency, but they’ve remained hopeless. Pittsburgh will probably sweep the division this year. If they can beat Baltimore three times last year after playing the toughest schedule in the league, there’s no hope for anyone.

Sex,

Every woman I’ve dated in the past few years has gone on to marry the next guy she dates. I am the living, breathing Good Luck Chuck (only women don’t know this so no sex).

I don’t know what the hell you just said.

I even introduced one of my ex girlfriends to her husband on Myspace. I forwarded his profile to her because I thought it was funny (he had a flaming bag on his head). They started chatting and next thing I know I’m dumped and she’s married.

What can I say: Chicks dig bags.

I’ve taken myself out of the dating scene for a year now because I just needed a break from all the heartache. In this time, I’ve looked at A LOT of porn. But now I’m ready to get back out there. The question is – How much porn is too much? I don’t think I look at too much (probably an hour a day) but I guess I wanted to get a feel for what you and the readers think. I’ve grown accustomed to my foot fetish and anal pics/videos and just don’t want to start dating someone and have them think I’m a weirdo. Or am I?

Horny in Ohio

If you have the mental wherewithal to actually time how much porn you look at, you have an issue. Instead of working out your frustrations in front of your monitor, put some pants on and start jogging outside. Because nobody wants to date a benevolent masturbator with a poor cardiovascular system. And get the fuck off MySpace. What are you, 19?

Dear Kooky Sex Krackers (see what I did there!),

Clever.

Football first. I know that there is a general hatred of Lee Evans for fantasy purposes. But with TO on the other side (in contrast to his former companions in Josh Reed, Peerless Price, Roscoe Parrish, among other sucktastic receivers), is he a viable option as a #2/3 receiver in a 10 team league? I end up drafting him every year, and usually regret it, and then I swear to myself that I won’t do it again the next year. Please tell me that this is the year that I wouldn’t be a fucking retard for spending a 7th/8th round pick on him. And also, after watching TO’s reality show, I’d like to smack both of his publicists with a frying pan. I’m guessing I’m not alone there.

That logic of a marquee player acquisition improving the stats of the guys around him is always solid. Don’t be the guy that judges players entirely on what they did the year before. This could be Evans’ year, but knowing his fantasy history, he might pop an MCL just to spite us all.

Now to the sex. I’ll start with some quick background info. I was with this girl a for few years, I was kind of an asshole, and she broke up with me. A short while later, she started dating one of my friends, which for obvious reasons, kind of pissed me off. Fast forward to now. About a month ago, she called me, seemingly just to patch things up and catch up. She’s still with that same guy, and I didn’t really think anything of her call. She then called me a few more times “just to talk.” So whatever, still not a big deal…until this past weekend when she sent me a photo of her cleavage with the words “we miss you.” She called me the next day and said she wanted to see me, which I can only assume means she wants to bang me.

That wasn’t exactly quick, but go on.

I really have no interest in getting back together with her (I was an asshole for a reason; because she’s fucking whiny/annoying, moreso than most girls. Plus, she’s pretty mediocre looking), and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. She’s not really the whorish type, but it seems like she’s looking for some lovin. I don’t go after girls who have boyfriends, cause that shit is fucked up. But, I’m thinking I should make an exception in this case, considering the circumstances.

Your hate has made you powerful.

I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.

Uh-huh.

Plus, there are some things I would like to do during sex, that, you know, I couldn’t do when I actually cared what she thought about it afterward. Your thoughts?

Revenge fucks, seriously, are the best. There’s very little–pay attention here, ladies–there’s very little more satisfying to a man’s primitive instincts than an ex crawling back with the veritable “I fucked up” sign around her head. Such a woman becomes a beacon for emotional abuse. You can almost run over her with her own car without facing retribution (and not have to fill it back up with gas!)

And be sure to give plenty of attention to those breasts. They missed you.

Dear Goo Guzzlers,

Fantasy Football: I never bought into the “pick 2 RBs first” strategy (yes, I’m aware that has gone mostly by the wayside the last couple years.) In fact, every year I seem to pick a QB first… and I win or consistently finish in the top ~3 of our 12 team league (unless Tom Brady gets hurt, like the puffy labia lip he is…)

That’s usually a solid play when you’re picking late in the first round, especially when your league awards 6 points for passing touchdowns. You were saying…

I generally play by “choose the best available player at the time” rule, and steer it towards the positions that have holes (Priority: QB, RBs, WRs, etc.) My question is: Other than Purple Messiah or possibly Turner… can you convince me *not* to pick Tom or Peyton with my first pick? Even if Tom isn’t 100% and Peyton is starting on the downhill slope of his career… I *know* I’m going to get 300 yards and 2 TDs out of these guys minimum every single game, and then once every 4 games (or more, depending on how they are doing that year) they are going to single-handedly win your game for you.

This will probably be the last great year Pey-pey has to offer you. He still plays in a dome and still has lots of talent surrounding him, but he’s breaking in a new head coach, one that kinda irritates me for a lot of reasons, and that’s typically the first rung of falling down the ladder. As for Brady, he’s not first-round value this year. Be happy if he’s gone before you pick second, because that person didn’t do his homework.

What other players are that consistent that you can guarantee they are worth a higher pick? RBs have a tendency these days to run by committee anyway, so I just pay attention after the first week and pick up free agents to fill in any particularly weak holes in my RB or WR slots. It seems to me that paying attention to the free agent list the first couple weeks of the season is way more important than picking a RB in the first round. Fastest clicker wins…

You’re right about the fastest-clicker thing; that’s why I typically endorse a waiver period after all games are played. It’s more fair, and more advantageous to the guy that has nothing better to do on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon than the guy that stays up all night prowling the wire. Save your higher picks for QBs, two or three RBs, and one WR. Don’t burn an early pick on a second wideout. You’d just be guessing at that point.

More coming in Part II.

Welcome back for another edition of the Fantasy Sex Advice Mailbag, the mailbaggiest mailbag on the internet. This week we answer reader questions ranging from your standard fantasy football questions to Dorito dusted naughty bits. This week’s questions and answers are after the jump, and as usual all spelling is correct.

Dear Masters of Cumshots,

I’ve been with this girl for almost two months and everything has been great. She is really nice, satisfies me in every possible way, always good to me. And I would like to repay her somehow (not with money). A few times after sex she said “Tell me something”, “Talk with me” and such things, and I don’t think that things that comes trough my mind then are good pillow talk themes (football, cars, what should I eat when I come home…). So my question is what are good pillow talk themes to have with girl after good sex?

Yeah, never say what comes into your head, that will only lead to trouble. Instead try telling her what she wants to hear. That means reflecting how much you love being with her and how great she is. Sure you’ll sound like a pussy, but it will make her happy and happy girls are more likely to reciprocate with unsolicited blowjobs down the line. If that doesn’t work try giving her the money and tell her to go buy something pretty while you watch the NBA Draft. Women be shoppin’.

Cheers,
KSK fan from Europe

Assuming he stays healthy Heap is bound to be more involved in the passing game this season. Now that Joe Flacco’s been around the block he should be comfortable enough in the offense to quit staring daggers through Derrick Mason and open things up a bit more. That being said, Heap has been fantasy crap the last two seasons, so don’t jump on him until your draft is winding down.

Dear Cock Rockers,

1. Football – Now that Jay Cutler has diabeetused his way into Chicago, are any Chicago wide receivers worth a late round pick?

Sure, but keep your expectations in check. None of them are going to turn into Brandon Marshall overnight.

2. Sex – Let’s say that I happen to have a sexy co-worker. Let’s say that she happens to have a Myspace account with sexy pictures. Also, let’s say that I happened to come across this sexy account.

Sexy!

Mr. S

Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea. Instead of being a creepy fuck perhaps you should consider asking her out. Seeing as how you have access to her Myspace page you should already have a pretty good idea of what she does for fun (my guess: dress like a skank, get drunk, and post the results on Myspace). And if that fails you should probably just masturbate to her pictures in the privacy of your own home.

KSK-

I have been friends with this girl for years. She’s amazing, but the timing never seemed to work out for us to date despite mutual interest. Over time we just became close friends. Two years ago we finally hooked up. She was ready to run off and get married and I freaked out and she ended up really embarassed by the whole thing. She stayed in Florida after she graduated (I’m in California) and after a few unsuccessful relationships with guys, started dating a girl. They’ve been together for a year and are moving in together. She recently came back for a family function her girlfriend couldn’t attend and took me as her date. We ended up making out and it was amazing. She says I’m the only guy she’d go straight for and now I’m fucking confused. She’s never been unfaithful to anyone in her life, so I wonder what it means that she’d cheat with me? I’ve got an active dating life, but there’s always been this assumption I’d end up with her. Do I just let time go by and see what happens? Make some grand gesture (those never end well)? She and I are going to screw this up so badly that we never do get together, aren’t we?

Hey look at that, you managed to answer your own question. Obviously she’s pretty in to you and it probably won’t take some ridiculous grand gesture to make it happen. The real question is whether or not you truly want to be with her. The last time around you balked and she fled for the land of labia. You say that you’ve always assumed you’d wind up together, but is that something you’re truly interested in and ready for? If you are then go for it. If not then it’s your duty to inquire as to the possibility of some hot 3-way action, amiright?

I went thorugh one of those mock drafts that ESPN offers and noticed that the quality of receivers drops like crazy after a while (to the point where I was excited Devin Hester was still available). Who might be some late round sleepers so I don’t end up with Derrick Mason or Justin Gage on my team? Does it make more sense to go receiver early?

Matt

Forget about trying to target late round sleepers at the wr position because everybody is going to do that and you’ll all wind up targeting the same third year breakout contenders anyway. Load up early and let the rest of your league fall over themselves to draft a “sleeper” two rounds early.

Dear KSK,
Recently I’ve undergone a tremendous personal transformation. In the past 6 months I’ve gone from 140 lbs stick to 170 lbs with 10% body fat (No steroids too!). My confidence and self-esteem have never been higher, the only problem is that it’s been a year and half since I last had sex (she was really ugly, like Bono’s kid mannish-ugly). So my question to you is this: should I set my standards low to get back in the game (4-6’s) or should I set my standards high (7-9’s) so I don’t fall back into the rut and settle for ridiculously ugly women? I’m far from ugly (think a young Ed Helms with blond hair–take that for what you will) so I don’t think I’m being too much of an idiot in thinking I can get more attractive women.

Congrats on bulking up, Mr. Helms, just don’t expect to start landing beauties because you’ve added some muscle to your frame. Your increased self-confidence will go a long way in your quest for some lovin’, but try to not get ahead of yourself. Set your sights on someone you find attractive and make a go of it. Oh, and try to stop grading women out on a scale of 1-10. While some women flock to douchebags, most don’t.

Football: If you had to give a percentage for a Steelers repeat, what would it be? I’m asking not as a fan, but for the likelihood I will be going to jail for murdering one of their bandwagon asshat fans come Febuary.

-Jeremy

Uh…21%.

Dear KSK Krew,

First sex: my birthday is at the end of the month and was wondering if you have tips regarding using the birthday angle to snag some snatch.

I hear this shirt works like a charm. If that’s not your style try going out to celebrate with a small group of friends. If some ladies happen to catch your eye offer them some drinks and ask if they’d like to partake in your festivities. Only don’t talk like that. It’s off-putting.

Football: Not that I care much about Cleveland because it’s a shithole of a city, but what do you think Fuhrer Goodell’s punishment for Stallworth should be? Personally, I think 12 games minimum, but that’s just me.

-Jeremy

Ape: If you’re gonna go as far as 12 games, why not the full year?

Valid point. If I had to take a stab at a minimum punishment I’d lean towards 8 games. As for my own personal opinion, I say sit him down for the whole season.

What’s crackin?

Ain’t shit, what’s crackin’ with you?

I suppose I should start with my fantasy football question first?

Whatever works for you is good.

I’m in a fantasy league where we can keep 4 guys from the previous year, and a player drops off of your team after 3 years. This will by my third year with Maurice Jones-Drew, I’m hoping to deal him mid-season before trade deadline for a player of equal value (if he exists). Problem is I’m having troubles deciding who my other three keepers should be. I definitely am going to go with some combination of DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, Dewayne Bowe, and Steve Smith (Carolina’s, not the one on the Giants). I’m worried whichever Carolina RB I drop will blow up on someone elses team, also I’m weery of what kind of numbers Bowe is going to put up in KC with Cassel as QB. I’m not huge on Cassel. What’s your advice?

Only drop Bowe or Smith if there are some other good options at wide receiver in the draft pool, otherwise you’ll have to choose between Williams and Stewart. I’d hang on to Williams and hope Stewart tears or ruptures something important.

Second, my sex question isn’t too tough.

- Billy From Bengal Country

It doesn’t get much lower than sleeping with a girl whose boyfriend is in Iraq, so get that idea out of your head. The pictures are another matter. If she’s willing to send you topless shots (unsolicited) then it would be insulting not to look, right? At some point you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel about her, and explain to her that despite those feelings you’re not going to be that guy who fucks a soldier’s girl while he’s overseas.

As for the religious one, at some point you’re going to have to broach the subject of s-e-x (spelling it will help to soften the blow). If you really adore her then you’ll be willing to play by her rules, however if the mere mention of premarital sex truly offends her she might not be the one for you.

Dear Naked Football Sex Gods -
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and absolutely love the Thursday mailbag. I attended a wedding this past weekend and actually referenced the mailbag in conversation – which is odd in itself when you think about it. Primarily, I expressed how utterly surprised I was by the number of men who have sent in emails stating that they were willingly open to being with a partner who had a sexually transmitted disease that they did not share because they thought that person was “worth it”. My question is really what’s the protocol on telling someone your dating that you have an STD? Is it first date material or do you wait until you think there’s a chance that the relationship will stick? At least if you tell someone on the first date, it gives them a chance to run before they get emotionally involved. Part of me thinks if I was dating someone who told me after a month of dating that they had an STD that I would feel sucker-punched. Depending on the relationship, emotions start to become involved and the decision to stay becomes more of an emotional one than one based on logic. Six months later, not only are you likely to be left with a broken heart because you broke up but also a burning, sore-infested crotch. So when do you tell?

The first date is probably not the best time to tell somebody you have an STD. It’s too much information to be sharing about yourself, and some women might consider your admission to be a bit presumptuous. However you have to come clean when the relationship begins to turn sexual in nature. Hopefully that will occur sometime before your six month anniversary.

Football question – last year was my first year in a fantasy league and the league had 15+ owners (ed. note: so…16?). I faired fairly well so I don’t have many complaints. But I know there were a number of owners who didn’t like the league being that large. How large is too large for a league? And do you have any suggestions on how to make it a better experience for all the owners? On a bye week or with injuries, I was literally scraping to find players to fill slots. I started Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis for 2 or 3 weeks….’nuff said.

Andy Reid’s Girdle
Philly

12 is the perfect number of teams for a fantasy football league.

Hi Sugar Boogers,

Football: Are Clinton Portis, Southeast Jerome and Choo Choo worth a late first rounder this year? Last year, he proved he can still carry a team (first half of season), while also proving he is still old and injury-prone (second half of season). If he’s healthy, you can still count on 85 yds and a TD, eh?

Oh, you’re asking the wrong person. I’m a total homer and I love Clinton. That’s why I’ve only drafted him on one team over the years. He’s a great #2 back in smaller leagues, but I wouldn’t take him in the first round.

Doin’ it: I’ve had a girl for over a year now. Great girl, great sex, blah blah. The only thing is, she inexplicably despises my dog. And I love my dog, he’s the shit. At first, they were cool, but not so much now. When I ask her why, she says he annoys her. More recently, she likes to make its life miserable and brag about making it’s life miserable. I think it’s because she’s not white, so she doesn’t treat dogs like (or better than) family members. Anyhow, given my absolute adoration for my dog, should I ignore it and hope they somehow find an appreciation for eachother, report her to the Humane Society, or … ?

Love,
Caught In The Middle.

Wait…WHAT? You think she hates your dog because she’s not white? I have no clue what to say to that. Obviously you love your dog, so you need to explain to her that the dog is an important part of your life, and if she insists on making its life hell then the two of you probably aren’t going to work out.

Team Macho Borrachos,

Does it have potential?

No, and frankly I’m a little bit disturbed right now.

Disturbed and hungry.

Disturbed, hungry, and horny.

HOLY SHIT, YOU MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING!

FOOTBALL:
Do you know if anyone compiles stats by position after serious injury (by injury type)? For example, would help evaluate Dreamboat’s potential this year for fantasy football purposes if I could look up next season stats for (White Immobile QB + Knee Injury).

Thanks,
Generalissimo Guapo

I do not know of any service that offers such a statistic, but your best bet would be to contact the fine folks at Football Outsiders. Just remember, everybody recovers differently.

That’s it for this week’s ‘bag. Until next time, stay sexy.

You people have problems, we have answers.  And I mean you people REALLY have problems.  That’s why we have the Fantasy Sex/Football Advice Mailbag.  This week’s deluge of emails kept us from being able to use everyone’s submission, but don’t worry: the column still checks in at over 3200 words.  So you should probably use the bathroom before you click through to read the rest.  This goes on for a while.  Like my johnson!  BOOSH.

The solutions to all your sick (and [sic]) problems after the jump.  Spoiler alert: you’re gonna need booze.

Dear KSK,

This is not a sex question per se, but allow me to elaborate. Me and my best friend are graduating college in a week,

From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.

and we’ve been friends for our entire lives. I can honestly say that both of us would take a bullet for each other. In addition, we have both saved each other’s lives at least once (I saved him from from skinhead who started to go a little too far in a bar fight; he saved me from an incident in high school when I got alcohol poisoning and had the presence of mind to know what to do to make sure I didn’t die).

The thing is, he and his girl are pretty close and she’s moving out to the west coast for a job and he’s going with her. I am staying on the east coast, and unless one of us moves we’re probably only going to see each other maybe once every other year for the rest of our lives during the holidays. The question is: am I being a huge [homo] for feeling a little depressed about this? If not any suggestions?

Ahhh, my least favorite recent addition to the lexicon: bromance.  It’s very real, and I’d happily tell my own story of Marine Corps brotherhood, but then everyone would just call me gay in the comments (more so than usual, that is).  But yes: your guy friends will always be the greatest dudes on the planet, and the chicks they run away with will never be cool enough to warrant them stealing your man away from you.  Got a problem with that?  Grow some tits.

Sorry, pal.  This is life, not Burger King.  You can’t have it your way.

Football: Growing up, I was a huge Jerry Rice fan, and basically rooted for any team he was on to win. Coincidentally, with the exceptions of the Seahawks, every team he was on was winning. Does this make me a bandwagon fan, or is this a legitimate reason to switch team allegiances?

Kids are idiots, and they need to be told by their fathers who to root for, or they’ll just end up liking the best player or the team that wins the Super Bowl.  You apparently grew up without such a rudder (parents divorce?  Dad gay?), so feel free to cheer for whomever you like… but know that you will always face the quiet scorn of die-hards.

Also, Jerry Rice is a douche for wearing Steve Largent’s retired number.

Dear “Big Daddy Balls” and Co,
Football first. So I was (mis)fortunate enough to be born in Colorado, thus I’m a diehard Broncos fan, and even considered buying a Cutlerfucker jersey at one point in time. Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t. Given the Broncos schedule, (we pulled the fackin’ Pats, Indy, the NFC East, and the AFC North, as well as getting to play marmalard 2x) what chances do you give Denver to, oh, I dunno, be an above .500 team or make a wildcard spot?

Go ahead and start reining in those expectations now.  The Broncos went 8-8 last year while having the NFL’s 26th most difficult schedule.  Meanwhile, according to advanced metrics, the Broncos were lucky to the tune of half a win, while the Chargers were the unluckiest team in the league, winning only 8 games even though their play projected them to win 11.4 games.  AND the Broncos lost their best player, who happened to play the most important position on the field.  AND their schedule is tougher this year.

But hey, at least you can draft a replacement for Orton with next year’s top-ten pick.  Oh wait, the Broncos traded that first-round pick to the Seahawks.  Sorry.  **stifles glee**

Sex: so, I’m a 21 year old student and consider myself above average (albeit by the slimest of margins) in the bedroom. I love eating box, and what not, but my previous girlfriends set a TERRIBLE precedent and have led me to believe that every girl in the world has shit for brains when it comes to dicks. Seriously, in high school every girl I dated or hooked up with seemed to have a vice-grip for a hand which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind. Long story short whenever I’m hooking up with a girl and she makes a move towards my junk, I basically just back up and get right to the sex. What the hell is wrong with me? And will I err be able to find/ enjoy getting head?

Sorry about the brevity, but you guys kickass and you’re also my last resort,
- Neckbeard’s New #1 Fan

What, you think women get taught how to give blowjobs in high school health class?  Sorry, buddy, but you gotta take some responsibility here.  Great cocksuckers — and it’s a rare instance that “cocksucker” is a compliment, as it is here — are made, not born.  I definitely understand where you’re coming from, because women who are good at head are surprisingly hard to find, but that’s only because their 21-year-old college boyfriends never told them what they liked.

I know what you’re going to say: you don’t know what you like because everyone you’ve been with has sucked at sucking.  Well, it ain’t rocket science.  Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance.  Remind her to keep her lips over her teeth.  And everyone enjoys some nice ball-cupping.

Speak up.  Don’t spend the rest of your life not liking blowjobs.  That’s no way to live, son.

Dear Sultans of Semen,

Ever feel like your chance at happiness in this life is slowly slipping away from you?

If by “slowly” you mean “quickly” — yes.  Every day.

There’s this great girl that I have repeatedly dropped the ball with over the course of, oh, five years. Whenever I was ready for something to happen, she wasn’t ready/taken, and whenever she was ready, I was drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels/seeing someone else. We have remained friends, and every time we talk it seems like the most substantial elements of our conversation involve us complaining about our lack of success with the opposite sex. When we’re not doing that, we’re arguing and picking at each other like a married couple. My question is, how do I drop an A-bomb on the friend zone and tell her that I want to give the dating thing an honest try? The closest I’ve come to a relationship in the past three years is telling a girl I really, really like her to score a killer beej.

Here’s a fact: the more serious a relationship gets, the fewer female friends a male can feasibly have.  Hell, married guys have a hard enough time maintaining friendships with other men.  So it’s not like your friendship with this gal has a real future UNLESS you make a move for the intimate zone.  I recommend you get drunk with her and let laughter turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway.  Hooray for booze!

Football: I’m a Bengals fan. I have a high tolerance. Can you recommend something to get me through the season? Everclear is illegal where I live.

Warmest Regards,
Glen Matthews

The good news is that football games are three hours for a reason.  That’s plenty of time for even the most hardened of livers to get pickled.  Check in on any of KSK’s Monday Night Football live-blogs during the season; the standard operating procedure is beer through the first half, then switching to liquor when the game starts to get unbearable.  If regular beer isn’t strong enough, look into Dogfish Head and Belgian tripels like Chimay.  If you like whiskey, spend the extra few bucks on Baker’s, which at 53.5% ABV is an extra 15-20 proof stronger than the average bourbon.

Masters of the poon and the pigskin,

Football: What the hell are the Dolphins doing at QB? The John Beck era came and went pretty quickly, didn’t it? Is Henne the answer, or are we going to end up running the veer?

The… veer?  Is that something like the Wildcat?

Hey, Tom Brady was a low pick out of Michigan, and he turned out okay.  But no, seriously: you guys are fucked.  Just keep telling yourself that Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl.  Defense wins championships!

Sex: After 15 years of a monogamous relationship I am dating again. I’ve recently started having sexy time with a woman my age (36). My issue is the number of guys she’s been with. She told that she has had sex with 35 guys and “probably blown another 20 or so.” On the one hand, she’s never been married, so she’s had nearly 20 years to do whoever she wants, so the yearly average is low. But on the other hand, 50 plus dicks is a lot, right? Is there some age-to-sex partner ratio that no one has told me about?

Thanks,
QB dating a LB

Hey fucko, not everyone resigns themselves to the same doomed relationship for 15 years.  Hell, 50 dicks is a slow month for commenter FutureMrsRickAnkiel.  The only thing that matters is a negative test from the clinic.  Get over yourself.  And stop asking how many people girls have slept with.  Dick.

p.s.  Go ahead and add 20-30 to that number.  Everybody hedges.

Fat white drunk men,

Hey!  Two of us are skinny!

I’m getting hitched soon and can’t wait for it. She’s a great girl and really cool – read: open to trying pretty much anything I can cook up in the bedroom. Would a honeymoon be a poor choice to broach the subject of the brown eye? I’ve never ventured down that sticky path before, but would like to give it a go. I want to have a great trip and there will be a ton of emotions flying around. Should I try to parlay that high into back door triumph? Or would that result in me spending my first married week on the couch?

Buddy, if ever there’s a time to ask for it, I would think the honeymoon is the time.  And she doesn’t sound like the kind of girl that would sulk if you asked.  Bring lube.

Also, does the drafting of 324,751 tight ends by the Texans mean I should steer clear of Owen Daniels this coming year? Guy was great in my PPR league as a late round keeper last year.
Thanks,
Rectum Ranger

Call it a hunch, but I don’t think all 300,000+ draftees will make the final roster, and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis Johnson every play.  I think he’s still a viable option at TE.

Skullfuckers of Sacrament,

FOOTBALL: I’m consistently the guy who blows the draft (either due to injury or delusion) but usually hits the waiver wire and picks match-ups well (thanks FO) and thus play my way into the bottom seed. I know in betting you shouldn’t go against your heart even as a hedging measure, as you will feel even more despicable, but what about using fantasy to hedge your monetary wagers?

You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting.  Bet on everything you can.

DRUGS: I used to be an iller, that’s the term we had amongst my group of friends for those of us who smoked all day, every day yet were still active, driven, socially-composed heathen. [For my job,] I quit almost two years ago cold turkey. I stilll smoke about once a month with podnuhs over beers but I really miss just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hitting the bong before getting in the shower or blazing down before going for a bike ride, cleaning my place/cooking dinner while turning the music up loud. I’d love to get back to iller status even if I know that it wouldn’t be quite the same as those pre-25 years, after all I like being productive and a bit stiffer in some regards as well. PROBLEM is that everytime I try to smoke and chill like before I am no longer an iller and just become a pathetic stoner easy-to-tire, bored and sleepy. Should I start out with regs or something, would coffee work? Help me feel beautiful again (laugh it up ingrates).

Maj says: If a bong hit is making you all sleepy and useless then maybe try out a different smoking device. Maybe a small pipe is all you need to transform you back into a more productive stoner.

I say: This may sound totally revolutionary, but people who do the same drug for years on end start getting diminishing returns.

SEX: Sometime after dropping the weed habit, I quit being cool. Sure, I’m more confident and successful and all and can still put on a face all day and be Mr. Corporate Charming at the office and what-not but I can’t get laid for the life of me. Never used to be a problem even though I was an underachieving, self-loathing drunk a large majority of the time. I’ve always had a knack for recognizing which girls wanted to ball and am not a pussy when it comes to approaching them. Also, now that my emotions and body can’t afford $500/wk bartabs I can not do the whole drunken hook-up thing. Recently, when I get that first date, I become an automaton, spouting the same BS lifestory as Mr. Corporate Charming- interesting and entertaining but not sexy and quite soul-less. Is there hope or does the suit and tie also require retiring my fertilizer rocket?

- What is the insatiable man to do?

Good Lord, that was depressing.  A corporate automaton who yearns for his old stoner days?  Golly, I can’t imagine why the women don’t flock to you.

You’re not the same person you were when you were an “iller,” so why would you use the same methods?  You’ve got two options: (1) Embrace your inner asshole, find a cocaine dealer, and start nailing strippers, or (2) Get yourself a damn hobby.  Start volunteering.  Take a cooking class.  Study muay Thai kickboxing. Stop looking back on who you were, and start embracing your life now.  When you’re happy with who you are, women’s interest will follow.

Dear Hines Ward Appreciation Fan Club,

So this is more of a relationship thing then pure sex, but you guys have turned into semi-straight Dan Savages, so I doubt it’ll be a problem. So after a two-year cold streak, I randomly bring this 7/8 (8 and a half in four beers time) and we do the nasty.

Your Streets reference is noted and appreciated.

That was three months ago, and it’s still going strong, morphing into a relationship. She’s pretty cool- graphic design major (as compared to my Poli Sci), likes smoking smoking weed and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And as for sex, she is, in her own words, “insatiable”. So that’s good. Mutual friends warned me about just one thing- apparently, a couple of nights before we met, she was really drunk and blurted out “I hate n-ggers”. I mean, sounds bad, right? I brushed it off because a) people say fucked up shit when they’re drunk and b) I’d never heard her say/do anything remotely like that. Until two nights ago, when she posted a link on my Facebook wall to something called “the n-gga flip”, which is a YTMND of a black guy flipping a white woman over while they had sex. Needless to say, that shit’s pretty racist, considering how it makes black men look like jive-shucking crazy sex machines. She didn’t see it that way, saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit, and called me too sensitive (I read Harpers, to give you a sense of my political leanings). She eventually promised not to say shit like that if we were together, but it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t really sorry. Some friends suggested I could try to change her mind, but if you’re 20, and it’s 2009, and you still think that one white person saying shit like that to another white person is acceptable, then you’re not going to change. So what do I do? I mean, is she racist? Am I, in fact, overreacting? Should I stick with her? It’s not like I was planning on marrying this girl, but as Gob would say, come on.

Sounds like you’re dating a KSK commenter.

You seem to have a pretty good assessment of things.  In my opinion, few things make an attractive woman ugly faster than a sincerely racist comment.  And that may be the best way to get change out of her: tell her that her insensitive, casual attitude about race-related comments makes her less attractive.  Don’t say it turns YOU off; say that it makes HER look unattractive.  If she goes complaining to her friends about how mean you are, she’ll only expose her own prejudices.

If that advice doesn’t work, when people ask why you guys split up, say: “I couldn’t get over her being a racist.”  Word travels fast on campus.  She’ll learn her lesson real quick about what is and isn’t okay to say.

Football: Where, precisely, does Colt Brennan rank on the list of All Time Useless Redskins?
-Beaker in DC

Maj says: He makes Cary Conklin look like Billy Kilmer.

Hi fellow peen-gobblers,

Long time reader, first time commenter in any form. Football first, as law allows: I’ll be participating in fantasy football season ever with my husband and our office crew. I’ve pretty much decided taking anyone from my favorite team (the Dolphins, har-har) is a bad idea, but are there any offical do-s and don’t-s of fantasy football?

A broad question deserves a broad answer: Pay up front, and set your starting line-up on Sunday morning.  (Also, as a first-timer, keep an eye on the bye weeks while you draft.  You don’t want your three best running backs all sitting out in Week 7.)

Sexings: My husband and I have a three way relationship involving another female. She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles*. Anyway, should we find someone else to play with or just tolerate it? I’m down with finding someone else but he’s scared of the trauma that might ensue.

-Ricky William’s Drug Test aka Monica

“Wah wah wah, our interracial threesome could be sexier!”

Lady, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that freaky threesomes are something to be enjoyed, not tolerated.  There are plenty more bisexually inclined fish in the sea.  And they all cruise Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section.

Welcome louche libertines to the latest installment of the mailbag for the anally adventurous and the roving of eye. This week, we entertain a few more questions than normal because brevity be damned. Sometime the load must be blown. The usual spate of anal curious male has given way to one dealing with rectally trepidatious gent. I feel your pain, Amanda. Be sure to send your address (or, you know, same goes to people with questions for future editions) here.

Let’s get it on.

Dear KSK,

Sorry for the length of this question, but my question is, what kind of line do you draw here when it comes to an ex that she’s been friends with for a long time and with whom she’s had a child? To me, it should be strictly professional if you have to see him due to a kid. You can’t have your cake and eat it too if you’re going to get into a relationship with someone else. Hanging out with him or even having personal phone conversations where you share things doesn’t seem like what you should be doing when in a serious relationship. You agree, or am I being unrealistic? I’ve never dealt with a situation like this before.

I understand your anxiety, but she obviously has a different situation with this ex than you have with yours. It seems like she’s being very upfront with you about what’s doing. For the sake of this kid, they want to keep something of a decent relationship going. I think you can be a little less unyielding in this regard.

Football question: Does Buffalo automatically make Terrell Owens fantasy poison, similar to Randy Moss in Oakland?

Steve

See, I wouldn’t have said so up until the Jason Peters trade. Signing Terrell Owens for a year has all the makings of a last-ditch effort to make a playoff run. So what did the Bills do a few weeks later? Trade their starting left tackle to Philly for draft picks. Makes no sense. Therefore, I’m inclined to believe it’ll be a disaster. At least, even more of one than it was already destined to be.

Dear sir or madam:

My rather mundane request is for any good ways to ask this chick to prom. She’s Italian (as in foreign) and I’m looking for some ins with the mafia.

Try this: “Ragazza, ti prego, vieni con me alla prom”

/puts years of pointless Italian instruction to use.

Either that or gel the fuck out of your hair and wear tight-ass jeans. Those Eyetie women seem to go nuts for that.

Dear Gayest of all Mafias,

As Jesus once said, football first. I am the commissioner of a ten team league, consisting of close friends and family members. My cousin Lee (he reads this site) has not paid the $100 in two years. I was not aware of this until two weeks ago. Before everyone calls me a shitty commissioner, which I am, he is married and does not come to the end of the year drink fest, his brother has won the last two years, and he always said he would get Lee to pay him. I find out last week and am upset. Isn’t this clear grounds for kicking him out of the league, despite him being family?

Ab-so-fucking-lutely. Fantasy sports are one of the treasured forums in life where you can completely fuck over family relatively free of consequence.

Sex: I have liked this girl for many years, but before I knew what happened I was in the “friend zone.” I usually had a steady string of girlfriends I liked and after a while I stopped thinking of her “that way.” But, recently I was dumped by my girlfriend of two years when she rejected my marriage proposal. My female friend also just got dumped. Hard. While I know I will never be with her in a relationship, I most certainly can fuck her right now. No matter how good the sex is, will this be torture for me after?

Yes to One No to Two,
Kyle

You’re both decisively on the rebound, so the opportunity is likely there. Without context, I’m not sure why you believe a relationship with friend girl is out of the question, but you’d have to weigh how valuable a friend she is before deciding to move in for a hook up. Because her potentially shooting you down could have the same effect or be a huge ego slam to boost.

Dear exalted sex-experts,

The revenge fuck was awesome & we ended up fucking each other senseless for pretty much the entire summer. Not only was she hot as all fuck but that polite, quiet & sweet girl was an absolute animal in the sack, just a totally pornographic little pervert. The whole thing was clandestine & on the QT but it got to a point where we were talking about running away together & all that shit.

Not that you’re not bragging about it or anything.

But the summer ended & cooler heads prevailed, she got back together with my friend & they ended up settling down together. At the time I was a deviant criminal-minded narcotics salesman while he was attending business school blah blah blah so I can’t really blame her & I never did. We all remained friends & she & I just kept it to ourselves. I see them all the time & it’s all been cool. We’ve flirted here & there but otherwise I just assumed it was dead & buried a long time ago.

Sincerely,
Satan’s Hand Puppet, NJ

You know, I see the fucking deluge of ampersands in your letter and I immediately think of the capuchin monkey from Y: The Last Man.

And yet I’m the one writing the sex advice column. Veddy bemusing.

Anynerd, you also forgot D) SHE WORKS WITH YOU! Therefore you stand to royally fuck up personal, social AND professional life for a woman you admittedly don’t have long-term prospects with. My recommendation is to revert her to the spank bank and maintain a semblance of order in your life.

That is, unless you want to get back into the drug-pushing game, in which case be a dear and sell me some weed. All my connects dried up.

I have a few close friends who are complete lesbian lovers and this is how it works: there are two schools…

That, my friend, is your answer.

I’ll let you know which one I see more Caps fans doing at the Verizon Center this weekend and report my findings.

Dear Rainbow Butt Monkeys,

Full disclosure, I’m Indian. But no arranged wife, not even Indian, she’s Irish and nowhere near subservient enough.

Nor sober

Sex Question: She’s four months pregnant and I’m worried about having sex now. Are there positions I should avoid? Maybe suggest anal? But then again I wonder if a baby can feel the psychic pain of a plowed rectum. What do you think?

Not unless she plans on shitting the kid out. If that’s the case, buy a Browns jersey now. Otherwise, you should be fine with the ol’ missionary in-and-out.

Football Question: So I’m from Boston. An Indian with a Boston accent (you want a fackin’ Slurpee?) So clearly I’m an awesome sports fan and did masturbate to the thought of Papelbon running the Wildcat. Do you think Patrick Chung will be subjected to hazing that includes doing the dry cleaning of the veterans and endless Happy Ending jokes? And will he get out of the huddle, run a circle around it and then get back in?

Raghead

Nah. None of that. Though Belichick may make him his eunuch.

Hey Douches,

Football first: Did the Cowboys royally fuck up the draft, or did JJ actually make the right move by deferring to the later rounds in a talent thin suckfest?

It was a pretty weak draft at the high end. And I’ve heard reports that the players they were looking at in the 2nd were off the board right before their pick, so that made some sense. Considering how much they overpaid for Roy Williams, it couldn’t hurt to get a few more picks.

Sex: I’ve been fucking this girl who’s a veritable minx in the sack, she loves anal, gives toe-curling blowjobs, loves porn, great tits, nicely manicured snatch etc. My only problem is that our sexual escapades seem to revolve around cocaine. She loves doing blow (who doesn’t?) and every time we get together, she wants to do lines. I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is the cost of these evenings, and the fact that we’re typically up all night and I’m cored out and useless for a couple of days afterwards. What the fuck? Is this just the cost of doing business?

Fucking Elvira Hancock

Maj: “God gave us Xanax for a reason.”

How’s this for brevity, sir(s)?

Sex: I just started going out with a woman that I have been really close friends with for the past four years. What is the maximum number of dates we can go on, without engaging in any sort of physical contact, before I must accept the fact that I am stuck with a really good friend that just so happens to possess a vagina? The second date is this week.

Football: Should I be encouraged by the fact that the Eagles finally realized that their top priority should be to get McNabb some offensive help, or discouraged because it took them nearly a decade to figure that out?

Thank you for all the free entertainment you provide me with, each week – it really helps me get through the insanity that consumes my workday. Do you gentlemen have some sort of donation PayPal account available, which I am apparently too dumb to find? Or, at the very least, is there a P.O. Box set up so that I can send this token of my esteem to BDD:

P.S. I apologize if that last part veered off the brevity path.

Signed,
Reggie20×6

The Eagles got them another rookie receiver, running back and a Pro Bowl left tackle. All signs point to Donovan McNabb preseason career-ending injury.

Gayest of Mafia:

ANYway, this was months ago now, and she hasn’t brought it up again. I’m not sure she’s forgotten, but I’m still not fucking two chicks, so something went awry. My question: how do I get her to make this fantasy a reality without expressly saying “Hey, how about you go get me some other hot chick to bang?”

Should have showed more initiative when she first posited the menage, but then I’m not adroit at avoiding female relationship traps.

Football: How do you think Moreno will fare in Denver?

Disappointed in Denver

Probably not as well as he would have faced if the Broncos didn’t have a quarterback opposing defenses could line eight in the box against.

Hello there,

1. I notice a lot of emphasis on anal sex in this column. Here is my issue: I love anal sex and want it all the time, however, my boyfriend has no desire to engage in this act. I’ve even gone as far as to climb on top of him and try to do it myself. At that point, he tells me to stop, I get pissed off and have no desire to do anything further. This gets better though – the other week, I went on his computer and saw him downloading shemale porn. What kind of a guy downloads shemale porn but doesn’t want to do what what in the butt? Of course, when I asked him about it, he told me he must have clicked on it accidentally. Accidentally? You accidentally downloaded a movie called Shemale Sex Party? Right. Anywho, what should I do? Should I dump this guy and find someone who will do it how I want? Should I just ram a dildo up my ass instead? Help!

Dumb the shemale lover and prepare to get stalked by 20,000 other guys who read this site. Or head on down Christmas Ape Way.

2. I think I may have just answered my own question, but, is there anyone in the free world who actually likes the New York Jets? Shemale Porn Lover (mentioned above) does…and I’m wondering if this is one more reason to cut my losses and find someone else.

Amanda

He’s saving himself for Johnny Damon Mark Sanchez.

Punter: “Seriously, the Jets have been a homo team since their inception. No one denies this.”

Dear Flip-Flop Fanatics,

Ok, first the football: Do you think the Giants’ receiving core, as currently constructed, can take enough pressure off of the running game to restore balance to the offense (you know, now that we don’t have what’s-his-name around anymore)?

No.

If so, do you see a return trip to the Super Bowl this year?

Nicks isn’t gonna solve shit in his rookie season, but it’s still entirely possible for the Giants to make it to Miami next February. The NFC looks to be fairly wide open in ‘09.

Now, sex: If this gonna be that kind of party, should I stick my dick in the mashed potatoes?

Warm Regards,
Moishe Alou

Only if you do it first.

Attention Chris Mortensens of Cock,

Football: I want to wager on football games online, but don’t know what sites are legit. I have no access to bookie / casino.

Quitcher bitching.

Maj: “I’d just recommend Bodog. They’re easy to use, but they can be difficult if you try to withdraw large sums. So go with Bodog, but if you start winning make frequent withdraws in smaller amounts (a few hundred at a time).”

Also make sure to have multiple credit cards, as I was using my sole debit card and my banked blocked that shit from depositing in my Bodog account. Another reason we need to let banks fail and stuff all our money in a mattress.

Sex: I like to do facials on wife, but she refuses. What to do?

-AG

That’s a tough one, as it is pretty humiliating and most women would give anal a shot before facials. If it means that much to you, try on a whore. Or do it to the wife once and deal with a year without sex.

Dear Cum Dumpsters (and I mean that in the most endearing way possible),

Andy

Drew: “Jesus brutha, we can’t even tolerate Ape in his non-native environment.”

WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM
BOM BOM BOM BOM
WE CHEER THE PICKSBURGH STILLERS

Have fun, buddy.

Also, my downfall last draft was drafting the same players as in my championship team the year before. Needless to say I came in last. Who is a good, solid, middle of the first round pick who I can lead off my revamped team with?

Hard to say to without knowing how many teams are in your league, but if Slaton falls to you, take him.

Dear Seamen of the great Lake: NFL knowledge,

Are we doing some Gilbert and Sullivan shit?

Football first: I’m some sort of sad hack who’s studying to become a journalist in Britain. I maintain a huge interest in the NFL and wanted to ask your opinions on the NFL draft for a project I’m doing. Basically who did the best? The worst (Raiders don’t count they didn’t draft, they simply chucked darts at a wall and took whichever name they hit)? Steals and reaches? Anything along those lines basically.

So many people base draft grades on the first two rounds, because it’s players they recognize. In reality, it’s a pointless venture and we won’t know for sure for years. That said, people seem to think the Giants, Bills and Patriots (stockpiling 2010 2nd rounders ftw!) had a good showing. Despite misgivings about character issues, shockingly enough I think the Bengals had a pretty decent draft as well.

Sex: I’ve been with a girl for the last 5 months and the subject of earning a brown belt has turned up. In fact we’ve even given it one go on a drunken night, but thing is, it was too painful for her. She’s a dirty little girl and wants to give it another go, but wants some way to “loosen things up” as it were. And no, not in the X-lax sense. Any suggestions on how to make it slightly less painful, more enjoyable for her?

Deuchars is the Best

Ever tried a giant bottle of lubbbeeee?

Connoisseurs of Cock,

Bathroom Jack

Ufford: “Completely pathetic kinda says it all right there.”

Domestic work must rate highly for you if you’re willing to overlook constant blue balls for the sake of having clean kitchen tiles. That said, you’re not married to this girl yet, however much she wants to act like it, so there’s still time to threaten to leave if she doesn’t get her libido together. Because it’s only getting worse if you go ahead as planned.

Peyton won’t be entering the season injured this year (presumably, though one can hope) so I’d say he’s still among the top fantasy QBs, though possibly no longer a late first round fantasy draft pick. Even when Addai is healthy for a full year, he only gets about 250 carries. Brown may work out as a good counter, but Addai should still put up similar numbers, though I’d say he’s at the back half of the top 20 overall.

Sex: The girl I’m currently fucking around with is not very good looking. She’s chubby and usually dresses bummy (sweats and a t-shirt). I still like her a lot because she’s not insane, very low maintenance, unselfish, good sense of humor, and also a sports fan. I feel like a dick because I never bring her around my friends. She has brought it up jokingly a few times that I’m embarrassed to show her off, which I am. So, do I bring her around and fuck if my friends give me shit or do I just continue keeping her away from them?

So I’m assuming all your friends are banging super models. Fuck those twatwaffles if you like the girl.

Football: I need 6 keepers – regular fantasy league statistics and starters (+ 2 rb/wr/te spots) and I don’t drop or lose any picks no matter who I decide to keep. We have individual defenders (TK=1 pt, sack=3, ForFumble/RecFumble=4, Def TD=6).

Here are the guys I am considering keeping: McNabb, Tomlinson, McFadden, Thomas Jones, Sproles, Cooley, Greg Jennings, Jon Beason, Karlos Dansby. I’m also being offered Larry Johnson for the 11th overall pick, so that would mean I would only get to keep 5 of these – I don’t think it’s worth it.

It most certainly is not.

Also: How early would you draft Mark Sanchez in a keeper league (regular settings and statistics, 12 team league)?

- Lil’ Wayne Chrebet

No earlier than the seventh round, you shemale porn lover.

It’s that time of week again. Time for me to open up the mailhole, jam my fist inside, and spread my hand wide like a Texas five-star. Speaking of which, I have a mailbag question of my own for you people.

You know that scene in “Chasing Amy” where Joey Lauren Adams’ character (God I fucking hated her. WAHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHH!!! HIGH PITCHED VOICE WAHHH!!!) explained that fisting counted as intercourse for lesbians? That always struck me as completely fucking misguided. It seemed as if Kevin Smith said to himself, “Say, I’m a heterosexual white guy. How would I have sex if I were a lesbian? Oooh! I got it! Painful arm insertion! Of course! Lesbians gotta love that.”

I don’t buy that shit for an instant, but I’m going to need corroboration from REAL lesbians on that. We don’t get enough lesbians writing in to the mailbag (I wonder why), so if you’re a reader AND you’re a gym teacher, give us the scoop.

Anyway, to the letters. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity.

Fellas,

I emailed you a couple months ago about a pregnant chick I started sleeping with.

Hey, I remember this guy. Here was his original email from 3/12:

I went to a house party last weekend at a friends house. She introduces me to her friend “Amy” and we hit it off. I noticed the whole time she wasn’t drinking. I asked her why and she said she was that night’s DD. Looking for an in I ask her if she would be willing to drive me home as well. I figured I could capitalize on this in later days. The night goes on, I curb my drinking a bit to impress, and we head home. She let me ride shotgun and took everyone home first. We get to my place and she parks and turns the car off. She asked to come in and I obliged.

We were inside for 5 minutes before we were making out and leading towards greater things. She is hesitant to let me take her shirt off (wearing hoodie), but her pants are off. Finally after being denied a few times she stops me and drops a bomb. “I’m 2.5 months pregnant.” She didn’t have a very big bump, but once she lifted her shirt I could see it. She explained her B/F broke up with her before they found out about the pregnancy and they aren’t together but decided to have the baby. I decide that if she wants to have a go I’m down. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. Not even close to the second best. I’ve been back for seconds, I’m just wondering if I’m a terrible human?

And the answer to that is: of course not. YOU didn’t get her pregnant. Fast forward to this week.

The child is not mine and the sex is still great. I’m just wondering if it’s like this for all pregnant women.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We don’t see each other but once a week to do the nasty and that’s all it is. We had the “where is this going” talk and decided that when it gets close to the birth we should stop.

Yes, you should probably stop having sex after her water breaks. That would be prudent.

I’m just amazed by how good the sex is. Am I now the guy that can only get off to pregnant chicks?

I don’t know. ARE YOU? Let me send you a collector’s volume of the “Ready To Drop” trilogy and you should know very quickly.

I have not slept with anybody else in the last two months. Some of you guys have kids, was it like that for you?

Not sleeping with anyone else while my wife was pregnant? Yes, I managed that.

My roommate found out and told all my friends. It got back to a couple of people at work. Everyone thinks I’m a freak now, tell me I’m not.

You’re not a freak. And your roommate is a prick. This may be a case of you liking sex with, you know, THIS girl. Not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s her, and she’s hot and horny and blah blah blah. And if you feel like no, the pregnancy IS what really turns you on, then I strongly suggest you find someone to fall in love with, turn Catholic, and then get them pregnant 17 times. Banging every pregnant lady you meet is probably an unwise course of action. I assure you, not all of them are horny little jackrabbits.

Should the Lions take Smith at one and then trade their other first and their 2 thirds up for Sanchez. The core of J. Smith, Sanchez, Megatron, and K. Smith looks like a nice offense to build around.

Barefoot and Wishing you were Pregnant

That’s not a terrible idea. I think the QB’s in this draft are way fucking overrated. The Lions are obviously bereft at the position, but I’ve never understood the whole “you have to take a QB high if you don’t have one” mentality. At the very least, I think they should go o-line before drafting Stafford.

Hey Village People,

Sex first: I’m an immigrant to this country, and contrary to many of your regular writers, I had very little choice in a partner: my wife was arranged for me

Say hi to Manjula for me.

and though she seemed pleasant and smart enough, she was slightly, shall we say, ummm… plump.

No more tikka masala for you, young missy!

At that time, I thought nothing of it (sad fool, me) other than to expect that I would encourage her to exercise and all that.

To be succinct, how in the hell do I encourage her to do better?

You don’t. You divorce her and marry someone you actually love and are attracted to, and she does likewise. Your wife likes to eat. Hmm, I wonder why that is. Could it be because she was forced into a loveless marriage by her family, and a tray of brownies provides her a brief, if ever so slight, moment of happiness in an otherwise cruel life? Couldn’t be.

I’d like her to exercise and act sluttish, but she doesn’t do either and then I lose interest in sex with her and masturbate like a hyper monkey and this continues on and on. She does like sex, and has no trouble with orgasms, either orally induced or otherwise. Any advice?

Again, divorce. That’s legal in this country.

Football-wise, d’you think trading Cassell was smart?

Unpronounceable-in-Boston

They had to trade Cassel now to get anything for him and to clear cap room. But the trade is obviously a failure if Brady returns and still has injury problems. Only Belichick knows for sure, and I’m assuming he knows quite a bit more than I do about it. Seriously, though: get divorced. Or learn to love your plump arranged wife.

Dear Masters of Masturbatory Mischievousness,

First the football. I’m in a keeper league and have Marmalard and Peyton Manning. I can only keep one of those. Am I foolish for thinking Manning might be getting old/wanting to keep Marmalard and his wicked sweet floaters? Or should I just release Marmalard knowing full well there’s a chance he’ll decapitate LaToeInjury in camp and then have a huge season?

Yeah, it’s a tougher call than it might seem. I think Rivers will stay as productive as he was last year. Manning, on the other hand, may now occupy a role similar to Tom Brady’s initial years with the Pats, where he wins lots of games but doesn’t get a lot of style points in the process. GUT DECISION: Marmalard.

Now for the sex. Ok it’s not really even sex. I had a bit of a thing for this girl for a while in college. I told her one day and she basically told me tough shit, she didn’t have similar feelings. So THAT was fun. Well I stayed in the city where I went to college and she’s now a junior. We stayed on good terms even after I got shot down.

Why? That’s a complete fucking waste of time. Gentlemen, always the rule: If a girl rejects you, MOVE THE FUCK ON.

She invited me to an art showing of hers the other day. I thought why not, what could possibly go wrong?

Besides being stuck at some gay art show with a chick who won’t have sex with you?

Oh, many things. Turns out her “artwork” was pictures of her naked (great rack). AND her new boyfriend was there with her. Awesome. My question is, would it be too much/illegal to send her naked pictures of myself? I kid. Seriously though, what should I do about this that will result in me and my friends laughing even more and not at my expense this time? Thanks.

-Bones

Yeah, never talk to the girl again. Move on. IT’S TOUGH LOVE WEEK AT THE MAILBAG, PEOPLE.

Dear manic sexholios,

Probably like a lot of guys, I’ve queried my wife from time-to-time to gauge her interest in bringing in another girl (I mean, a guy can ask, right?)

If he wears leopard print vests, most certainly.

and while she always seems situationally interested, it never really materializes beyond talk. It’s really no big deal because we have a great sex life. So, c’est la vie. Life moves.

I don’t think you translated that phrase quite right.

Anyway, a few months ago we meet a new couple and became fast friends. They’re educated, funny, have a lot of the same interests as we do, etc., and to make a long story short…they divulged recently that they like to, uh, shall we say ’swap’?

SEXY!

Now, my experience in the realm of non-monogomy has been strict avoidance. This, however, is not due to adherence to a moral standard or conformance to a societal norm. No. Not at all. In fact, quite honestly the main reason is most of the ’swinging’ types I’ve ever run across are just plain ugly. I mean, really fucking ugly. So as far as I’m concerned the hippies can have their orgy elsewhere.

So here is the dilemma–and trust me on this–this woman is smokin’ hot. Off the charts. My wife also genuinely seems interested at this point also. So it’s been really tempting to try and move forward with the hottie but should we even consider this? Or is the clutch play* just to find the best way to get the other guy out of the picture?

I’m assuming your wife has expressed interest specifically because the other guy would be involved, yes? Frankly, it’s only fair that she gets plowed if you get to have sex with another woman. I think your wife-swapping thing is probably fun to think about as a fantasy, and a complete train wreck when put into actual practice. I tend to be fairly conservative in my beliefs about marriage. That is to say, if you want to fuck other people, don’t ever get fucking married. Because the whole point of marriage is that you don’t fuck other people. Watch an Andrew Blake film together or something.

Oh, also, after the off-season management debacle in Denver do you think Belisuck Jr. wins more than 4-games for the Donks this year? And what octane fuel would you recommend that would best incinerate my Portis, Plummer, and Cutlerfucker jerseys?

Sincerely,
headed-for-commune-living

I think 4 to 7 wins is right on target for the Broncos. I recommend straight gasoline for jersey burning.

Dear Gay Mafia,

This girl has some really kinky fetishes. She told me that she wants me to throat fuck her.

Jeez, it sounds so wrong when put that way. Cool.

She also wants to put her strap-on to use on me.

Whoa! Hey! Can’t we just stay on the throat fucking, lady?

I get the feeling that’s only the start of the weird shit she’s into. As much as I like her sexual deviancy and wouldn’t mind trying some new stuff with her, I don’t want to get in over my head.

Should I experiment, try talking her into doing more normal stuff, or run away with my anal virginity intact?

I’d only do what you feel comfortable with. If that’s not enough for her, tell her to go crying to her almost-certainly-dead daddy.

Football – Who will have the better season this year: Cutlerfucker or Neckbeard?

Cutler. Better QB. Better defense. Better run game supporting him. Better throat fucker.

Sex: There has been plenty of e-mails concerning the fucking of friends’ ex-es, so just for fun, I think I’ll share my story. I fucked a friend’s ex-girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day.

Romantic.

And she had been with him earlier that day. No, not “been with him” as in fucked him. She went to lunch with him and her family (holy shit, i think that’s worse).

It is worse. Why was he lunching with her family?

He also somehow became suspicious, and when he confronted me about it, I denied it like a bitch! In my defense, he wasn’t really my friend; he was more friend of a friend. We rarely hung out, and when we did, it was through our mutual friend. Furthermore, this girl was a virgin when I fucked her. I don’t know if that makes it more or less shitty. Am I the worst friend ever?

How can you be a bad friend to someone you admit you aren’t friends with? Referee Mills Lane says: “I’LL ALLOW IT.”

More Sex: On a side note, I cannot bring myself to eat a pussy for the life of me. I just can’t do it. I’m not some kind of macho misogynist either. I’m just not at all interested or turned on by it. I’ve had pussy in my face and just can’t do it. I love fucking it as much as the next guy, but I can’t and won’t eat it. Am I the pussy, or do other guys feel this way?

Big Don says YOU’RE the pussy.

“I eat the pussy. I eat the butt. I eat every motherfuckin’ thang.”

Football: I’m a Bengals fan, and this might just be the homer in me, but I think Carson Palmer is fucking great. As in “capable of being just as good as Manning or Brady” great, and it pisses me off that this guy’s talent is being wasted on such a shitty team. Is there any chance this perennial disappointment of a team can turn it around in the Palmer era, or is he doomed?

It’s a goddamn tragedy. I too think Palmer is a great QB, but Mike Brown has gone back to being a cheapskate, letting Housh walk and refusing to fire Marvin Lewis to buy out his contract. It’s a waste of an otherwise promising career. I feel for you, brutha. I really do. Now go bang your non-friend’s ladyfriend.

Dear Gay Mafia,

I’ve written to Dear Prudence at Slate, but that bitch doesn’t respond, so I come to you for help. My wife is in jail (2 months now) for money laundering and it looks like she’s getting 4 years.

Best letter ever? Best letter ever.

Conjugal visits don’t seem to be anywhere in the prison handbook, and there isn’t a chance in hell I’m waiting 4 years. What’s the best way to let her know that I have to take care of business elsewhere while she’s in the clink?

By having your divorce lawyer visit her.

Also based on all the shit she’s put our family through, should I let her know she’s gonna be my sex slave upon release if she thinks I’m taking her back, or at least parlay it into alarm clock blowjobs for life?

Sounds like yours is a loving, healthy relationship. If you want to fuck other people and are merely waiting for her to get out so you can dish out some kind of sexual revenge upon her, I suggest no longer being married to her. Prison, like gayness, serves as a fair excuse to end any marriage. You rarely get that “end marriage” out so clearly and decisively.

First time in a Keeper Lg. can keep 4(no picks lost). T.Jones, B.Jacobs, Mcfadden, Fitzy. R.Moss, TO, V.Jackson? If I could trade any 2 (minus Fitzy) to get Slaton should I? Thanks for your help on all matters

Sincerely,
Just hoping shes doesn’t turn Lez

Any two? You’d have to be way more specific. Trade Jacobs and McFadden for Slaton? No. That’s dumb. Trade Jackson and Jones for him? Eh, maybe.

Keep Fitty, Jacobs, Moss, and McFadden.

Dear [Insert witty burn about you all being either a Steelers fan or friends with one],

Sex: I have a serious attachment issue with women. I hate my mom, have since the age of 10 or so while never really liking her before that, and now completely have no relationship with her. After several psychology classes, I think this might have something to do with my problem with women. Also, I do whatever I can to get with attractive girls (which works as I’m built well and sweet talk like a Spanish man in a romantic movie) but as soon as I get any kind of sexual, regardless of how great it is, I end up diving out of there like Cutler out of Denver. What the hell can I do to fix any of this? Note: reconciling the situation with my mother is impossible as she is bat-shit crazy.

Well then, you’re going to have to kill her, keep the body in your fruit cellar, wear her clothing, and spend the rest of your days stabbing motel patrons and burying them in tarpits. Buy hey, at least you aren’t stuck in an arranged marriage.

See a therapist, buddy.

Football: Why the hell are the Browns trying to trade Braylon Edwards instead of one of the two evenly-matched, young quarterbacks on their roster? Am I the only person completely crazy for thinking that Braylon is still a great WR despite the rockhands he had last year? And what kind of value do you think the Browns could get for him since they’re intent on becoming even more like the Lions by trading away any kind of talent? I suppose it’s just days until the Lions try to trade Calvin Johnson and forfeit their entire draft for an empty bag of Doritos.

Sincerely
Snow

Snow? Could have sworn Eminem wrote this letter. I don’t think the Browns should trade ANY of those players. Why trade Edwards when his value is at its lowest?

Over break I hooked up with a longtime best guy friend, for whom I’ve always had feelings. It was cute and awesome, but he’s working almost ten hours away. He said that he didn’t want to just be fuck buddies and if it was to ever happen again he would want to woo me first. But its not like he asked me to be his girlfriend or anything and I sort of made it clear I would be down for that. I’ll be visiting him in soon and refused sex with anyone else since him so I’m ridiculously horny and kinda just want to fuck him the instant I get there. Would you recommend waiting and seeing if he makes a grand effort to show his affection before I give it up?

No. I’m quite sure he’ll happily respond to your advances.

Does fucking him before pretty much guarantee I’ll never enter girlfriend land? And if I’m trying to make this guy my boyfriend should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?

You should run for President, lady. You really should. You rule. You aren’t currently in prison, are you?

No, I don’t think having sex right off the bat augurs poorly for a future relationship. Every relationship is different. There’s no set pattern you have to conform to. You like each other so much you can’t keep your hands off one another. Sounds good to me. Screw away, you two crazy kids.

And somewhat football related, I can’t decide what dish to make for my Draft party on Saturday. What are the Gay Mafia’s individual favs?

-Sad and sexless

Well, I like wings, of course. Maj likes pretzels. Uff likes chewing on desert sand. Punter snacks on mascarpone stoma candy. Ape feasts on bananas and self-loathing. And Flubby, as a Kentuckian, only snacks on horse jerky.

Yours in the comments.

Due to a dearth of emails followed by a flurry of post-deadline submissions, last week’s fantasy mailbag was relatively light on content.  As recompense, we’re going to get to some of those emails now.  And, as a reminder, now through tomorrow is a good time to get submissions in for this week’s regularly scheduled mailbag.

But first, let’s tackle the problems of hapless weirdos with weird sexual hang-ups.  Or, as they’re more commonly known, “Lions fans.”  As much bad advice as you can handle after the jump.

Nostradami of pigskin and poon alike,

I’ve been dating a girl for awhile, and I kinda love her and shit…but we’ve been long distance for most of the relationship.  I’m pretty cool with that, but it really exacerbates the problem of our sex life being lame.  She puts out and all, but I honestly can’t remember the last time we had non-missionary sex…it’s been a long fucking time.  The fact that it’s long distance means we don’t see each other much, so by the time we do, I usually don’t have the willpower to hold out for something better; she wants missionary, I want sex, shit works out.  I’ve tried talking to her about the fact that it’s boring, and, she has begrudgingly agreed to liven things up, but it never plays out.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Holding out is kinda tough…she’s much more attractive than me, and I’m not particularly stellar in the sack,

So I gathered.

so I can’t imagine I can outlast her, and talking to her often resembles talking to a wall, particularly when it comes to sex.  I’ve tried nothing and am all out of ideas.

Well, with communication skills like that, how can a long-distance relationship NOT work?!?!

This isn’t rocket science.  You’ve talked about it, and she’s agreed to liven things up.  Now it’s time for you to — and I admit, this is probably gonna be difficult — be a man.  You want doggystyle?  You say, “Turn around, baby.”  You want her on top?  You say, “I want you to get on top.”  You can’t get this advice just anywhere, people.

Football:  It’s bad enough that I get blue balls from the long distance thing, but now the media (and yes, I include you in that) is collectively adding to that by dangling a braylon edwards trade in front of me an average of 6 times a day…does this happen, and if so, when, and if not, what’s the issue?

Looking forward to the sagest wisdom ever.

Get ready for disappointment, then.  You didn’t say if you were a Giants or Browns fan, or whether you hated or loved Edwards, so it’s anyone’s guess what exactly is bothering you about trade talks.  So here’s some general advice on getting worked up about trades: you should have some semblance of faith that each team’s management, acting on assumptions that come from a better-informed point of view than you’re privy to, made a decision in the best interest of the team’s fortunes.  Unless, of course, one of the teams involved is the Raiders or coached by Bill Belichick.

To the good men of KSK,

Football first (as it should be). As a Washington Redskins fan, my football seasons are generally filled with hopes of getting a Wild Card spot in the playoffs, and praying we don’t get beat down by our first round game. So I ask, is Jim Zorn a good enough coach to get us to the promised land (ie, PAST the first round)? Also, can Jason Campbell turn into a franchise QB? With so many holes to fill, (ha) who should the Redskins take with the 13th pick?

Sex. Lately, I’ve been noticing that I can only come one way. By rubbing one out myself in to my lady’s mouth. I last for a good amount of time but find that, when inebriated, reaching orgasm is actually an issue. I have no problems jacking off, but there’s a mental block that prevents me from busting a nut. There’s no problem maintaining erections, or my sexual performance (my lady friend this evening came 4 times). What the fuck is wrong? Am I watching too much porn?

With Leather can suck it,
Cum troubles in Cuse. (G’Orange)

Wow, a Redskins fan who insults the blog that has provided income to half of KSK’s writers.  Welp, I think it’s safe to say the ‘Skins should trade up to get the #1 pick, and you’re doing everything right in the bedroom.  Get yourself a subscription Brazzers and tighten your grip when you masturbate.  That should solve everything.

Hey guys,

First, the sex. So, what’s the rule on sleeping with a friend’s ex? I’ve heard it’s discouraged, but really, who cares?  I know that if I found out one of my friends slept with one of my ex-girlfriends, I’d buy him a drink.

Who cares?  Your friends, probably.  For those of us men who develop so-called “feelings” for women, we prefer that our closest friends not sleep with them as soon as we break up.  Now, you can tinker with the variables (time passed since break-up, intensity/seriousness of relationship) and find a more palatable answer for your purposes.  But let’s put it this way: say you and your friend’s ex-girlfriend are really meant to be, and you end up falling in love and getting married.  At the wedding, do you really want to have a groomsman who nailed your bride before you did?

Now for football. There is a quite diverse mix of fans in the L.A. area. Should we Southern Californians drop our current teams in favor of a local team (if it ever happens), or stay with who we’ve got regardless of how well/poor they’re doing.

Oh, you’re from L.A.!  Now the sleeping-with-your-friends’s-exes thing makes a lot more sense.  Stick with your team, you faithless schmuck.

However, you may root for the geographically-convenient newcomer if a win doesn’t affect your team’s playoff chances OR if it’s the playoffs and your team is out of contention.  Bonus cred if you hold season tickets.

To the conquistadores of the cock,

Football: Do you like the Giants winning it all this season with their current roster? And would they possibly be better with the acquisition of a wide-receiver that dropped so many goddamned passes (that if he dropped as much soap in a prison bathroom, you could see his insides through his asshole)?

Oh, quit your bitching.  The Giants have what may be the best offensive line in all of football.  Try rooting for a team that can’t convert a 3rd-and-1 on the ground for a season; you’ll forget all about complaining about which receivers may or may not be essential to making your mere playoff team a Super Bowl winner.

Sex: I’m a 21 year old broke college student (emphasis on “broke”), and I’m eyeing this 24 year old chick in my African Civilization class who in my opinion is a prettier version of Mary Lynn Rajskub. We only had the usual small talk about school and her college career, but I have this overwhelming desire to ask her out/get in the sack with her (and possibly do a Jack Bauer-Chloe O’Brian roleplay). I’ve never went for older women before, so any tips would be great.

I want to shout out my love for KSK and especially the commenters; you all bring the win. Keep on spanking it!

Aw, that’s nice.  I’m sure they will.

Small talk is a good start.  Assuming that “small talk” means she has engaged you equally — that is, mirroring your nonverbal cues, making eye contact, not making immediate excuses for where she has to be next — the next logical step is asking her out.

Forget that age bullshit.  24 is still very young, and a three-year difference between students in the same class means absolutely nothing.  The simplest, most straightforward thing to ask: “Do you wanna get a drink?”  Master that sentence, sound confident and carefree when you ask it, and you’ll see that asking girls out isn’t as hard as it seems.  And if you’re too broke to buy a woman a drink, then you got problems that are bigger than getting laid.

KSK Gay Mafia,

FB:  I have Drew Brees and Clinton Portis (who broke down last year) in a keeper league.  Am I completely stupid for even considering keeping Brees?

No. I would call that “completely intelligent.”

Sex:  I’m currently on a dry streak, something not too uncommon throughout high school/college, and staring at surgery in a few weeks that will keep me out of the game for the next 3 months or so (no, nothing penis-related).

So, the balls then?

Do you have any recommendations for last minute sex in the meantime that don’t involve me paying anything?  There’s only so much I can whack it.
– Cpt. Carpal Tunnel

Yeah, ask a girl you know if she wants to get a drink.

Dear Cockswirlers,

Sex first. I’m a university student who, like most, loves to go out, get drunk, and, naturally, hook up with random women I have just met. Meeting or enticing women usually isn’t the problem, closing the deal is. My #1 pickup spot – the campus pub – goldmine. Problem being, I dont live on campus, or in the neighbouring student ghetto. I live about a $30 cab ride away…with my parents. I’d gladly foot the cab money, but no way in hell I would get away with bringing a 4am’er home to mom n pop. Sometimes suggesting going back to her place works, but most times appears creepy and scares the good ones away. How do I get into their pants and apartment without suggesting it myself?

Use whatever combination of lies and half-truths to get the job done. “I live way off campus.” “My place got fumigated.”  “My roommate and his girlfriend have been fighting all weekend.”  “My roommates are old dickheads who treat me like I’m their son or something.”

Football. I have to keep 3 between Steven Jackson, Frank Gore, Chris Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Cutlerfuck. Standard League. I’m a Titans fan. Fat Albert can rot in his $100-million coffin.

Sincerely,
No Place to Bone

Oooooohhh.  That’s a nice one.  I’d say Chris Johnson and Fitty for sure.  I like Cutler, but I’m not sure if the Bears have the wideouts (or the offense) to make him a great keeper.  So, Gore or Jackson: flip a coin.  They’re both inconsistent Measts in the NFC West.  Although if it’s PPR, I’d take Jackson.

Dear Gay Mafia:

I’ve been in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl from my school for the past two months. [...] She’s a cool girl with a pretty enthusiastic attitude toward sex (e.g. loves giving blowjobs, into being spanked/dominated, etc.).

Unfortunately, she’s been getting urinary tract infections pretty often for the past year, first from her ex-boyfriend and then from me.  She’s tried everything to try to prevent them, from pissing before and after sex, washing up afterwards, drinking lots of water and cranberry juice and so on.  I’m also pretty careful, making sure I shower before seeing her and washing my hands before giving her manual stimulation.

I can feel the spontaneity from here.

She’s planning on seeing a specialist after graduation, but this pretty much means there’s no “below the waist” action from now on. So now I’m feeling guilty that she’s giving me blowjobs while I’m doing little in return. Since it seems like any sort of penetration puts her at risk for a UTI, I’m thinking that we could use a vibrator to give her some clitoral stimulation.  She doesn’t own a vibrator, so do you think it’s OK to buy her one as a pre-graduation gift (a decent ~$30 one, not one of those with a no-name pornstar on the packaging)?  Or is that a little too weird or forward for this kind of relationship?  Should I just stick with being on the receiving end of things and feeling a little bit guilty?  Would simply taking her out to a couple of nice dinners and giving massages make up for the lack of the big O?

Um, you DO understand what “friends with benefits” is, right?  The whole point of FWB is that you’re NOT in a relationship, so you DON’T have to buy her gifts and dinner and bullshit like that.

However, if you really think you need to make it up to her — and maybe you should, what with the way your dirty cock has infected her urinary tract — you’re the person best equipped to answer this question. What would she rather have, romance or clitoral stimulation?  Or, since this girl who isn’t your girlfriend and you can’t have sex with is so special, maybe you should give her both.  A vibrator isn’t going to break the bank, and with the leftover money you can go to dinner wherever college kids go out on dates.  The Cheesecake Factory?

Football:
Not much to say here except that she’s a Lions fan and I’m a Seahawks fan.  Misery loves company, eh?

Thanks,
Good Vibes Guy

Brutal.  But hey, if she’s a Lions fan, she probably likes getting fucked in the ass.  Problem solved!

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