Glorious television. It’s always there when you need it, it never asks anything of you, and today it’s the inspiration for another KSK Commenter Draft. This week you’ll be picking a supporting character from any scripted television show (past or present) who you would want to be. The idea is that you’d live out this character’s life in whichever era he or she existed.
We’ll start things off with Kramer, because I’ve always wanted to punch Mickey Mantle.
Aaaaaaaand…go!
Holy hell, it’s hot outside. But the more uncomfortable it becomes outside the closer we get to 350 pound men suffering through two-a-days. And when that time comes, it becomes socially acceptable (relatively speaking) to start obsessing over your upcoming fantasy football draft. Sadly, we’re still weeks away from that, but it doesn’t mean we can’t get in the spirit of things a bit early.
That’s why this week you’ll be drafting your all-time fantasy football team. It’s pretty simple, really. You pick a player and a year, wait for at least ten people to pick after you, then select again. By the end you should have filled out a starting fantasy football lineup (1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 DEF/ST), and whichever commenter can claim to have the highest point total (1 point for 10 yards rushing/receiving, 1 for 25 yards passing, 6 for rushing/receiving touchdowns, 4 for passing touchdowns, -1 for interceptions) can declare themselves the winner of this furtive time wasting activity.
The ceremonial first pick of the draft is…OJ in 1975! Say what you want about the murder and that other crime for which he was actually convicted, that ’75 season was fantasy magic. That was the year he amassed 2243 yards from scrimmage and 23 touchdowns in a 14 game season. Extrapolate that over the modern 16 game season and you get nearly 414 fantasy points (granted, it’s not the all-time record, but the difference is negligible).
Now it’s your turn. Please pay attention to the rules. And no biting.
Americans are obsessed with firearms. Of this fact there is a lot of bitching, but little dispute. But for something we harbor such an intense fixation, we are woefully limited in our choice of ordnance. Just think of all the items that could be adapted for this delivery system.
Sure, there already is an array of things other than bullets that can be shot from a gun, whether it’s paint, potatoes, pellets, darts, condiments, watermelons and, if Orgazmo is to be believed, orgasms. That’s barely scratching the surface of what could be violent launched at a target from the end of a barrel.
Therefore, we turn the twisted gun nuts in our readership to provide us with either hilarious or useful ammo options. Let’s try to keep it from getting too abstract. Yes, we used the orgasm example as a joke, but if you say something like a diarrhea gun, it better not be giving the user diarrhea. It had better be firing diarrhea at your target.
The usual rules are in play. Wait 10 picks between each of yours or you’re a selfish bastard and will be thrown against the wall for target practice.
And in case there was ever any doubt, KSK’s first pick is a bukkake gun. “Isn’t that basically just a penis?” you scoff. In principle, maybe, but isn’t every gun just another penis anyway?
Oh, that was horrid. The second they had that nonunion Mexican Darth Vader equivalent do the intro, you knew you were screwed. Then we had to suffer through 30 minutes of Jim Gray asking LeBron if he bites his nails and when he made his decision and if he likes his fresh hand towels warmed or chilled. Then we had to listen to LeBron talk about “process” and “process” and “processing” the “process” of the “process” and all the magical things he’s learned being fellated by half the free world.
Here’s the trailer for VH1′s upcoming reality show, “Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.” It features Chad Ochocinco searching for love from a large field of women who are put into a bracket and must advance towards Chad’s heart, tournament-style. It appears to be similar to “Flavor of Love,” except the women are (slightly) less trashy and the male prize isn’t some creepy washed-up hobbit.
There’s a lot to learn here, too. At one point in the video, Chad tells a suitor, “Kisses open an emotional gate.” Sounds to me like SOMEONE is ready to guest-author the KSK mailbag.
Anyway, that brings us to today’s commenter draft topic:
Ever since Golden Tate got busted for trying to steal a maple bar from Top Pot donuts, that’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been thinking about. Look at that thing. So long. So sweet. So girthy. I MUST HAVE IT.
I saw a Bourdain show where he went to Portland and visited a boutique donut shop that had all kind of crazy varieties. One was a maple bar like the Top Pot kind, only it had two strips of candied bacon on top. And that pretty much made me get up and start chewing the LCD screen.
The World Cup is now underway, and like the Olympics or getting lap dances, it’s a half-decent way to pass the time until NFL training camp starts. But JESUS, that incessant buzzing from the vuvuzelas is maddening. It’s like I’m watching the game with my head in a beehive.
So let’s draft accordingly, shall we? Today’s draft is…
A recent depressing, if not entirely methodologically sound, Rasmussen survey showed that nearly 1 in 3 Americans have no idea which sport in being played in the World Cup. I mean, c’mon citizens, don’t you love mumblety-peg as much as I do?
This latest bit of blinkered Amurrican IGNANCE got us to thinking: which competitive activity should have its own international competition? There are so many ways to assert American dominance and so few realms of competition in which to do so. Sure, there’s the Olympics, which we obviously wreck house in. The World Cup? Perhaps less so. But other than that, there’s not a whole lot to draw from. We could be embarrassing foreigners throughout the entire gamut of human endeavor.
So let’s come up with a bunch of activities, not necessarily athletic, that require an international competition to determine which nationality reigns supreme. Just think how much it would help with stereotypes. As always, you must wait 10 picks between each of yours.
KSK official no. 1 selection: Entitled bitching. Man, we’re so good at that. I know because my Internet went down for 10 whole minutes while writing this post and C’MON ISN’T INTERNET A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT?
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