Today’s draft supposes this: scientists have selected YOU to be the subject of their horrific, God-angering plan to combine animal DNA with the human genome. You will gain the awesome traits of one animal, but not in a sexy way like Spider-Man, who gets to crawl on walls and have super-strength while still looking human.

No, you will be rendered a horrific hybrid freak. Children will laugh and point at you. It will be impossible to get laid, unless you choose “donkey” and move to Tijuana. But oh, the power! The raw strength and majesty of the animal kingdom coursing through your veins!

I’ll start things off:

Yep, a gorilla. Not terribly original or imaginative, but here’s my thinking:

1. Super-strength.
2. Fangs.
3. Close enough to human to still get laid.

I contemplated a great bird of prey such as an eagle, but I’ve got acrophobia and all the superheroes with wings (Hawkman, Archangel) look stupid. I’d just get my wings caught in doors.

We here at KSK are quite desirous of cinema. Take, for example, our drafts to claim the best room featured in a movie. Or who we want to be the subject of a biopic. Or which movie we’d like to be stranded with on a desert island if we were unable to make sweet lourvvve with Christina Hendricks ’round the clock.

Well, you can have your movie rooms, mister, but you need to fill those rooms with something. Something like love and dust and gum wrappers. And maybe pets. Because pets break up the moments of crushing isolation with flashes of cuteness and COMPLETE AND UTTER DEPENDENCE. And you know what’s better than boring-ass regular pets? Movie pets!

So, it is your duty to choose which pet featured in a movie is the one you’d most like to claim as your own. We don’t really care the reason, so long as it doesn’t revolve around bestiality. Best not to step on Punter’s toes.

I’ll get you started with my own selection – AIR BUD

I haven’t watched a single Air Bud movie, but I can tell you sight unseen that I want that dog for myself. If it weren’t for his misbegotten foray into volleyball, Air Bud might have the EGOT of American team sports. I could make hundreds of millions of dollars off that dumb mongrel and not even be called a horrible monster because I wouldn’t be forcing it to fight or anything else against its will. AIR BUD JUST LOVES TO COMPETE. And I reap all the benefits. But, humanely. Oh so, humanely. [Rifles through stack of hundreds while throwing table scraps to Air Bud]

Thanks to reader Zack for this week’s draft idea.

Tomorrow evening at 6 pm we will finally experience The Rapture. That is if you believe 89 year-old preacher Harold Camping. And why wouldn’t you? His Family Radio billboards carry a gold star guarantee from the Bible. Pretty legit. So like most of you I have resigned myself to my fate. By dinner time tomorrow all of us non-believers will be victimized by some sort of giant earthquake. By October we’ll all be dead.

With that in mind, we ask what you will do as your last pre-Rapture act on Earth? Will you get tender with the wife? Hug your kids? Or go on an all-out groping spree at Hooters Gallery Place? That is the topic of this week’s draft. Go nuts, folks. It’s your last chance.

It’s a well-established principle that every hero should have his own theme music, but what about us average bears who spend our days in adversity-free anonymity? Who’s gonna play us down to the copy machine? To the bar? To the men’s room in a hastened panic? Could imagine scrambling to the can while holding in a deuce the day after Taco Night as March Of The Valkyries plays over the PA? That would be the highlight of your week.

But how would YOU score your own daily routine? Better yet, WHO would you hire to score it for you? If you had to pick one recording artist to lay down the soundtrack of your life from this day forward, who would it be? It could be a soloist, a group, or even a classical composer with a 60-odd piece orchestra in tow.

So pick someone, wait ten picks, and pick someone else. I’m kicking this off with Jack White. I’d be fine with the bassline from “Seven Nation Army” leading me into whatever room I would enter. Now you try.

My high from the bin Laden assassination is slowly starting to wear off, and I don’t like it one bit. We need to kill a famous enemy again, so that I can get that rush back. I got a taste for it now. Once you’ve had bin Laden blood, nothing else will quite do! I CRAVE MORE WANTON BLOODSHED!

Anyway, Sunday night’s announcement of bin Laden’s death was handled with the usual dose of professionalism you’d expect from a President. But there are some of us out there who would prefer a bit more flourish in their assassination announcements. I wouldn’t have minded if the President had smashed a gong before delivering the news.

So, with that in mind, let’s go ahead and pick one person who you would want to give you this news. They can be alive or dead, real or fictional, and let’s assume this is the first time you’ve heard about the death, so the announcement is extremely fresh and of the moment to you. It can also be a written announcement, if you’d prefer a semi-Grantlandish flourish to it (composed on typewriter!). Or you can have the news SUNG to you. And please, do include a snippet of their announcement, won’t you? I’ll go ahead and take Ric Flair…

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DON’T BE BRINGING OUT THOSE MICKEY MOUSE WATCHES, BIN LADEN!

The NFL Draft has begun, so it’s as good a time as ever to kick off the first KSK Commenter Draft of the season. While you’re waiting patiently for the second round to HURRY UP AND F*CKING START ALREADY you may have noticed another ridiculous display of pageantry going on in the world. That’s right, Prince William is getting married, and the lucky lady isn’t even his cousin. Weird. Anyway, we’re left wondering which American would make the ideal monarch, if we were in to that such things.

This week you’ll be drafting someone who you feel would make the perfect King or Queen of our great land. You can pick anyone you’d like as long as they’re American and they have the long form birth certificate to prove it. And not one of those fake ones George Soros prints up in his basement either. This person would wield no actual power, but instead serve as a symbol for America as a whole. Choose wisely, and remember to wait ten picks before selecting again.

We’ll get things started with the honorary first pick, Queen Beyonce.

With Labor Day weekend set to begin in, oh, let’s say two hours, I thought it would be fun to craft the perfect holiday. Each commenter will “draft” their own brand new federally recognized holiday. The holiday can honor anything, from your own birth, to a general appreciation of grills. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and declare August 5th, Grill Day (August 5th is also International Beer Day, how fortuitous). There’s grilling, beer, women dressed like vintage pin-up models, and for some reason, a giant pinata shaped like a Weber grill filled with thick-cut cured bacon. And even if you don’t like that stuff it’s still a day off in August, something our calendar sorely lacks.

Note: For this draft you’re allowed a maximum of two selections, not to be made within 20 picks of each other.

Two years ago you commenters drafted your favorite flavors of ice cream (Drew started things off with one of my favorites, mint chocolate chip). After 241 comments we were left with an impressive list that I still consult on occasion. Well now the time has come to revisit the ice cream issue, this time with a focus on the toppings. Anything you’ve ever enjoyed on top of a scoop is eligible, so go nuts.

I’ll start things off with a basic staple, hot fudge. Oh you warm, soft, chocolately whore. I could drink you for hours. You’re often overlooked, but you are so very essential.

This week’s draft is ripped from the headlines. By that I mean I saw the newspaper in the shitter break-room and thought “Dude, this would make a kickass draft,” then I ripped the headline out of the paper. Apparently, some wackadoo bull went all Ron Artest on everybody’s ass in Spain. Or possibly Mexico– I’m fuzzy on the details. In retrospect I should have ripped out more than just the headline. Read the rest of this entry »

The world discovered the hidden gem that is New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan earlier this week, and I won’t be the first person to point out that Ryan acts exactly the way that he has been portrayed here. Honestly, I must have watched that Lead The League In Wins video 15 times in the past two days. And yes, let the record show that Darrelle Revis is “pretty f~cking good.”

But that amazing performance had us wondering: what other magnetic personalities–those already in the public eye, for one reason or another–are just waiting for their respective close-ups? Surely we can make a TV star out of people that have made names for themselves in other walks of life.

That’s your mission for today: cast your own lead for a weekly TV reality/documentary show. And then wait ten picks. And then pick again. I’m taking Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Basil Marceaux with the No. 1 pick. Now you try.