Comic-Con was a few weeks ago, so this might not be the most topical subject, but no one ever said these drafts had touch on current events anyway, soshutupwhateverleavemealone. The beautiful thing about the event is that it’s a place for geeks to geek out to the fullest extent without fear of being judged (at least too severely). This leads to the only setting other than an IMF protest where you see average folks decked out in overly elaborate costumes. It’s actually cool to see socially backward people to use their creative energy on things that don’t involve stalking.

Therefore, you too will now draft a fictional character’s costume/get-up to wear to Comic-Con. It should probably be something sci-fi, video game or comics related, but we’re willing to relax the rules for other pop culture totems.

(more…)

I know a draft where earthly donuts are as sour as poison. You’d spit them out, you would!

When I went to summer camp back in the Great Depression or whenever the hell it was, we were allowed to buy a candy bar after lunch. Just one candy bar. The camp bought in bulk, so you only had a choice between two different bars on any given day. The rotation of the candy bars was completely random, so there was no pattern you could figure out where you knew in advance which candy bars were going to be offered. Oscar winners weren’t as well-protected as the identity of these candy bars.

(more…)

I worked as a table runner for a whole lotta weddings in my time. Would you like to know the preferred first dance song of Torrington, CT white trash? It’s “Wonderful Tonight,” by Eric Clapton. I never want to hear that song ever again as long as I live.

I’m now at the age where everyone I know is sick to death of attending weddings. Any single friends I have left better go elope in Vegas, because I’m not spending $1,000 to fly somewhere, sit in a hotel conference room, watch you dance to “At Last,” and do the Electric Slide. It’s just common sense. UNLESS IT’S THE WHELANS’ WEDDING! NO INVITE FOR THE KINGS OF MONTCLAIR, MICHAEL?!

Anyway, this week, it’s the wedding song draft. Pick one song for you and your bride/groom/Japanese manga pillow to have your first dance to. Wait ten picks until picking again. Guess I better pick my actual wedding song.

Can’t go wrong with Otis.

My mom was a contestant on two game shows back in the 1960’s. She was on “Jeopardy!”, in pre-Trebek era. She lost, and was given a full set of the Encyclopedia Americana as a parting gift.

(more…)

My TV went out this week. When I called DirecTV to have them come fix it, they told me they did not have access to anyone’s account information, and that I should call back in a day or two. Excuse me? A day? Whole day? What, you people think going without TV for a day is somehow acceptable? TV IS ALL I HAVE, YOU BASTARDS.

(more…)

I had five quotes on my gay little yearbook page. Here they are:

So many idiots, so few bullets. –Andrew Dice Clay

Not as edgy as I used to think it was.

90% of everything is crap. –Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert didn’t actually say this quote. Some guy named Theodore Sturgeon did. Up that percentage to 100% when discussing electroclash records.

Do one thing and do it better than anyone –Orville Redenbacher

This is the only one I kinda like.

Random Joe Paterno Quote

I’m not even a Penn State fan. I have no clue why I included this.

(more…)

I’ve been saving the gay draft for a rainy day. And, since it’s rained for 3,490 consecutive days now, it seems like it’s about time. I’m assuming many of you will elect to not participate in this draft, and that’s okay. Because the reason I’m posting the gay draft today is to tell you this story:

(more…)

In this week’s draft, you’re choosing the funniest still images on the Internet.  Photographs, LOL images, and Photoshops (like this one — hee hee!) are all fair game; the only restrictions are no animated .gifs and nothing NSFW.

In your comment, please leave a brief description of the picture and a link; we hope that will minimize careless repeats.  After the jump comes my #1 pick; after your choice, please wait ten picks before selecting again.

(more…)

I attended two colleges: University of Michigan (for a single semester) and Colby College (for the rest). I had a decent time at school, but I wouldn’t say college was the mass baby oil orgy I had been promised in the brochure. We can’t all attend HOLY FACKIN’ CRAWSS, you know.

To that end, let’s have a do-over. You’re picking your dream college this week. Maybe it’s one you wish you had gone to. Maybe it’s one you hope to go to in the near future. Regardless, I suggest you follow Bill Simmons’ advice and forsake academic pedigree for favorable climate and above average female talent. My pick? U. Florida.

/looks at above picture

Yep, I made a terrible, terrible mistake in real life. Yours in the comments. Pick a school. REAL COLLEGES ONLY. Please wait 10 picks before picking again.

Inspiration on occasion strikes, lightning in a bottle-like, those utterly devoid of talent and/or shame. Even repugnant hacks who spew hackneyed product designed for mass consumption strike gold once in a while on something that is both an artistic and commercial success. These works are as frustrating as they are rewarding, coming as they do from people who stumbled upon greatness, almost despite what they set out to do. Or maybe they just generally suck and got lucky. It’s a reminder of the capricious nature of inspiration in art. And it’s these fluky works of greatness that spring from the seed of fuckwittery that you are identifying in this draft. You’re looking for a memorably good movie, song, album, performance, book, painting, etc. from an otherwise lackluster or forgettable body of work.

(more…)