“Fuck your pissy little blog. I’m here to talk about Burt. Go ahead, ladies. Stare. It’s all right. God gave me this gorgeous body for you to enjoy. Feast your eyes on a REAL FUCKING MAN for a change.

“Boy, they don’t make stars like they used to, do they? You think Josh Hartnett could look this good on a bearskin rug with a pack of rich Camel unfiltereds? It’s nothing but a bunch of waxed little boys out there. Lucky for you, ol’ Burt still delivers the goods. Go ahead and touch yourselves, ladies. Sally Field liked to hit ol’ rotary phone dial in front of yours truly. I’m no stranger to that game.”

Thanks, Burt! And be sure to vote today, even if you’re still throwing up at the pictures!

UPDATE: To assauge are you genuinely angry lady readers, here’s RYAN Reynolds.

“Well, the thing I love about KSK is that they care about the plight of average Americans. But they also care about the plight of PERFECT Americans such as myself. I also like the fact that they care so deeply about the hardships facing migrant farm workers and… wait, you’re not actually reading this text, are you? What are you, Larry Craig? This quote could be in Portuguese and I doubt you boys would give a shit. Just stare at my pictures and leave me alone.”

Thanks, Stacy! And be sure to vote every day, even if the site has clearly crashed!

BONUS: Tomorrow is the last day of these posts. So pick who you’d like our final endorser to be in the comments. Whoever gets the most votes wins.

“I love KSK because they talk about the issues that affect me as a citizen. Issues like, does the above swimsuit reveal my nipple? Because honestly, I can’t tell if this is a nip slip or not. KSK also shares my concerns about horseless horsebackriding.

“All big-breasted models such as myself deserve a horse to ride on, so that our huge mammaries might bounce up and down in the name of freedom. Without a horse’s back to grind against, how am I supposed to get the proper vaginal stimulation? KSK’s progressive attitude on this matter is exactly what I’m looking for.

“And will photographers stop making me do the crabwalk in high heels? Jesus Christ, man. This isn’t the military.

“I also support KSK’s proposal for a 18% increase in leg warmer subsidies. And they support wearing two bras at the same time. They’ve got my vote!”

Thanks, Jordan! Stay tuned for more endorsements from models who went way overboard at the plastic surgeon’s office all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if your wife left you to run away with her gynecologist!

I wanna have some fun
I wanna have some fun
I move my body all night long
I move my body all night long
Working hard every day
Working hard every day
I like to frig myself to KSK
I like to frig myself to KSK

Thanks, Samantha! Stay tuned for more endorsements from horny British singers all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re being trampled by the crowd at a Who concert!

“Omigod, I love KSK! I love funny things! Lots of people think I’m just a pretty face with an impossible body and flawless complexion, but I’ve got a real sense of humor! I love doing comedy and looking silly! Like, I heard this one joke yesterday. Oh my God, it was SO funny! It made me laugh SO HARD! Ha ha ha! I don’t remember what it was.”

Thanks, Jessica! Stay tuned for more endorsements from vapid, smoking-hot actresses all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in the process of assigning yourself a new gender!

What we need here is a return to the norm, the norm being defined as the tradition of a single year. That, of course, is the election of Kissing Suzy Kolber as the internet’s best sports blog, as defined by a sample size of a tinker’s damn, if you pardon my Gallic tendencies. That’s what we’ve come to value as order, something the Italian families valued above all else. Because, if there’s anything Italians are known for, it’s getting things done in time, and screwing over the schmatas.

Don’t give me the high hat, just hear me out. I know I’m not the pulchritude of a Lucy Pinder, but I’m a man who knows what he likes. And what I like is being type cast as a voluble old-timey gangster. I can speak in hard boiled slang until the chippies come home or wherever it is they distribute Carnal Knowlege correctly.

Yes, celebrity endorsments are the backbone of any campaign. Spielberg endorsed Hillary. Oprah endorsed Obama. Fred Thompson mildly endorsed Fred Thompson. And the corpse of Lenin endorsed Kucinich. Having a celebrity back you lets the common folk know you have even less in common with them than they originally thought. Is that A+ campaigning? Fuck and yes.

So, every day until voting closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote for KSK. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is British pinup model and Tebow-girlfriend lookalike Lucy Pinder. Lucy, what do YOU think of KSK?

“Oh, I think KSK is brilliant, innit? Even though I’ve never heard of them. And I don’t know anything about American football. And I’ve never heard of a blog before. In fact, I don’t even know how to use a computer. I just stick out my heaving treasure chest and say, ‘Can someone please help me with this bloody machine?’ and blokes come running in to help me! It’s brilliant. I like dancing and pretty colors.”

Thanks, Lucy! Stay tuned for more endorsements from big-breasted models all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in jail!