We kid Patriot fans a lot around here, but we do it out of love. And by that I mean love for the traffic they bring our site—not that band of dickholes they cheer for. But in the interests of presenting an honest, unbiased look at Patriots fans, we offer this clip shot at the tailgate before and after last week’s star-crossed victory over the Chiefs. We’ve taken the liberty of providing a running commentary, so you won’t miss a thing…

00:05-00:41 Before our host takes us around the paahking laaaht, he mocks Brodie Croyle for not being Tom Brady. I can think of something that Croyle can do that Brady can’t… WALK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

00:50 “Why do all the women look like they were bussed in from 1982?”- Drew

1:04 Gratuitous jail-bait crotch shot. You’re welcome.

1:10 Chiefs fan leaves Pats fan hanging. He better hope that chintzy plastic batting helmet can withstand a Sam Adams bottle thrown at close range.

1:15 Kid wastes beer, looks for place to puke.

1:19 You Mu’s sure can party!!!

1:22 The Cavalcade of Morons begins.

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Dallas cornerback Terence Newman had never been on a roller coaster before, so some of those diligent mainstream media types decided to take him for his virgin ride on Tony Hawk’s Big Spin. The monstrosity pictured is the newest attraction at Six Flags over Texas (owned by Dan Snyder of course), and while it might not look scary to you it’s enough to frighten the testicles out of a Pro Bowl cornerback. The video from Michael Ainsworth at the Dallas Morning News follows after the jump in all of its shrieking glory.
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Nike knew L.T.’s dull-ass kicks weren’t going to sell themselves. Here we see him training with Elite XC’s Kimbo Slice. Tomlinson looks a lot tougher here than when we last saw him hiding out on the Charger bench still wearing his helmet while his team’s season crashed and burned. Is there a slightly racist homespun training regimen that Kimbo can devise to help us forget about that?

This is a pretty funny video, except it is marred by a small– yet bothersome– error. I’m willing to suspend belief in order to be entertained for a little while. For example, I was willing to accept the premise that John Travolta and Nick Cage could just lop off each others faces, swap them, then keep having crazyass fight scenes. Hell, I even made it through “Boiler Room” even though they asked us to believe Vin Diesel passed the Series 7. But this sketch pushes even my generous boundaries of credulity. I mean, a black Packers fan? Are you kidding me??? What kind of wacky science fiction is this?

[ warning: may be NSFW ]

But other than that, this is wholly typical of my weekly NFL viewing experience. Cold beers, simulated fellatio, even a little watersports. Except I would never sit on a sofa that small with two other guys. Seems a tad gay for my tastes.

“Hey kid, what did the five fingers say to the face?”

In the latest episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, we learned that Cowboys Jerry Jones is a kindly old patriarch went to the Moe Howard school of grandparenting. I, for one, find great humor in billionaires smacking the snot out of their grandchildren.

That trick works but a few times before the only ones who will fall for it are the feeble-minded and Wade Phillips. As such, the intended victim is wary of the old man’s ways and is reluctant to play along. However, the other kid– perhaps seeing an opportunity to boost his inheritance– is happy to make PawPaw’s pimp hand fly. Geez, all my grandfather ever did to me was get drunk on Stroh’s and tell me to pull his finger.

[ thanks as always to gentleman farmer Awful Announcing for the clip and to the inimitable LSUfreek for the picture ]

The BuzzCuts wayback machine takes us to the early 1990’s where we meet Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan. Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan is passionate about two things: the Buffalo Bills and feathering his magnificent sandy brown hair. Unfortunately for Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan, we all know how the game went down.

Hopefully, Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan has not dropped dead of jugular vein thrombosis. If he is alive and well and plans on a smooth trip across the border to see his Bills in their new home, he better get that anger-management problem of his under control. One sure-fire remedy I recommend is to forget he ever heard of the shitty Buffalo Bills.

Holy shit! Has KSK really gone more than 48 hours without a Brett Favre video? Allow me to remedy this situation posthaste. Here we have a cartoon depicting the return of John Madden’s one true love.

Robert Stack as Roger Goodell was an inspired choice. Seeing “the Stack”, as me and my brother used to call him, makes me nostalgic for Unsolved Mysteries, Airplane and the Beer Baron episode of The Simpsons.

We will have even more Brett Favre videos later this week which is sure to provide a welcome break from the continuous coverage of all things Brett Favre on ESPN. In fact, Friday we will Favre the Favring Favre to the Favre Favrer.

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Seems Carson Palmer’s loyalty to his alma mater is still a sore spot with some Ohio State fans. If I was going to express my disdain for someone, I doubt I’d parody such a lugubrious tune. It’s kind of hard to get fired up over Neil Young (who, incidentally, was dubbed “The Human Quaalude” by my sister after an excruciatingly dull live acoustic set).

And why is this guy so pissed off anyways? Palmer has already expressed his contrition in the most personal and heartfelt manner possible: a press release on his team’s official website. I bet on his birth certificate it says: “Carson Sincerity Palmer”.

This is a brilliant mash-up of Bert & Ernie with M.O.P.’s “Ante Up.” Because any NFL blog that doesn’t bring you fetus humor, Chris Cooley’s bag of dicks and Sesame Street gangsta rap in the same day, isn’t worth reading.

Here we have Atlanta Falcons’ first-round picks Matt Ryan and Sam Baker enjoying the theater standing uncomfortably at center-stage while the cast of Oklahoma! sings and cavorts about. Hoo boy, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe this scene. These two couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable if they had porcupines in their shorts.

Despite consultation with the media savvy, I’m unable to determine what exactly this video is intended to promote. The Falcons? Rogers & Hammerstein aren’t going to move season tickets. Maybe it is intended to attract patrons of the musical theater? If so, Ryan and Baker have to qualify as the worst Curly and Laurey ever. (What, no kiss? This is supposed to be a wedding scene.) Furthermore how is serenading someone with the Oklahoma state song supposed to welcome them to Atlanta? This video is giving me tiredhead.

“C’mon Ryan, is this what we’ve worked on all week? From the top. One, two… step, slide… heel ball change. And Baker, you call that a promenade? We’re going to be here as long as it takes, people! Don’t forget your jazz hands!”