Apparently Terrell Owens is so narcissistic that he cannot enjoy being a crucial part of a much-closer-than-expected victory over the visiting Bengals. Owens was spotted late in the game conspicuously gesturing “two” as in the number of receptions he had for the entire game. But the bitch-and-moan didn’t stop there. Check out his bizarre post game comments….

“I’m not going to answer too many questions. And by that I mean none.”

After complaining last week when “only” a third of Dallas’ offense went through him in their loss to the Redskins, Owens engaged in a cryptic quasi-religious soliloquy before slinking sulkily off the stage. “God has chosen me to be the vessel of his glory. I’m so depressed. Where are those sleeping pills? God made me wear a yellow gingham shirt with fruity epaulets.”

I didn’t watch much of the ESPN News talking heads take on Owens comments, but I did hear Jeremy Green say that T.O. “said the right things.” Jeremy Green, I don’t know you and I can’t recall that I’ve ever even heard of you before now, but here’s a little gratis career advice in case the whole broadcasting thing doesn’t work out: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS!!!

A couple weeks back we took you inside a Patriots tailgate. (Just in the nick of time too, from what we understand Pats fans have decided football season is officially over. Go Sawx!) Today, we take a look at what is apparently a tradition at Bills’ tailgates: mustard and ketchup showers off the back of an Econoline van.

0:10 Why do I get the feeling that one or more of those people lives in that van?

0:25 A disgusting act. Joe Buck’s panties are now in a wad.

0:51 Meth-addled skank taunts Raider fans. Skank-in-training reluctantly helps.

1:03 “I can see you’re not a golfer.”

1:16 ‘Peter puffer’? Really??? That’s all you got? If this tailgate was in Oakland someone would be swinging around a cinderblock on the end of a tow chain and you guys are doling out some insults that wouldn’t get a rise out of a third-grader.

1:26 I was going to make a joke at the expense of big girl in the orange shirt, but then I realized he’s probably one of the Buffalo Jills.

2:17 This must be Teddy Kenny. Based on the chant, I surmise that he is a big fan of the ketchup.

2:55 MONEY SHOT!!!

3:33 Now that I think about it, this should happen to anyone who puts ketchup on a hot dog.

If any Bills fans care to shed some light on this curious pregame ritual, we’d like to hear it.

If an angry photographer ever puts Stevie Williams in a coma Tiger can get one of those guys to carry his bag for a while. In the meantime they’ll be waiting for Jeff Pearlman’s new book to come out on tape.

Video via Orland Kurtenblog

So long as it doesn’t give out.

Or you can do it right.

And you don’t spawn this.

And, uh, DeSean is a tard.

We kid Patriot fans a lot around here, but we do it out of love. And by that I mean love for the traffic they bring our site—not that band of dickholes they cheer for. But in the interests of presenting an honest, unbiased look at Patriots fans, we offer this clip shot at the tailgate before and after last week’s star-crossed victory over the Chiefs. We’ve taken the liberty of providing a running commentary, so you won’t miss a thing…

00:05-00:41 Before our host takes us around the paahking laaaht, he mocks Brodie Croyle for not being Tom Brady. I can think of something that Croyle can do that Brady can’t… WALK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

00:50 “Why do all the women look like they were bussed in from 1982?”- Drew

1:04 Gratuitous jail-bait crotch shot. You’re welcome.

1:10 Chiefs fan leaves Pats fan hanging. He better hope that chintzy plastic batting helmet can withstand a Sam Adams bottle thrown at close range.

1:15 Kid wastes beer, looks for place to puke.

1:19 You Mu’s sure can party!!!

1:22 The Cavalcade of Morons begins.

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Dallas cornerback Terence Newman had never been on a roller coaster before, so some of those diligent mainstream media types decided to take him for his virgin ride on Tony Hawk’s Big Spin. The monstrosity pictured is the newest attraction at Six Flags over Texas (owned by Dan Snyder of course), and while it might not look scary to you it’s enough to frighten the testicles out of a Pro Bowl cornerback. The video from Michael Ainsworth at the Dallas Morning News follows after the jump in all of its shrieking glory.
(more…)

Nike knew L.T.’s dull-ass kicks weren’t going to sell themselves. Here we see him training with Elite XC’s Kimbo Slice. Tomlinson looks a lot tougher here than when we last saw him hiding out on the Charger bench still wearing his helmet while his team’s season crashed and burned. Is there a slightly racist homespun training regimen that Kimbo can devise to help us forget about that?

This is a pretty funny video, except it is marred by a small– yet bothersome– error. I’m willing to suspend belief in order to be entertained for a little while. For example, I was willing to accept the premise that John Travolta and Nick Cage could just lop off each others faces, swap them, then keep having crazyass fight scenes. Hell, I even made it through “Boiler Room” even though they asked us to believe Vin Diesel passed the Series 7. But this sketch pushes even my generous boundaries of credulity. I mean, a black Packers fan? Are you kidding me??? What kind of wacky science fiction is this?

[ warning: may be NSFW ]

But other than that, this is wholly typical of my weekly NFL viewing experience. Cold beers, simulated fellatio, even a little watersports. Except I would never sit on a sofa that small with two other guys. Seems a tad gay for my tastes.

“Hey kid, what did the five fingers say to the face?”

In the latest episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, we learned that Cowboys Jerry Jones is a kindly old patriarch went to the Moe Howard school of grandparenting. I, for one, find great humor in billionaires smacking the snot out of their grandchildren.

That trick works but a few times before the only ones who will fall for it are the feeble-minded and Wade Phillips. As such, the intended victim is wary of the old man’s ways and is reluctant to play along. However, the other kid– perhaps seeing an opportunity to boost his inheritance– is happy to make PawPaw’s pimp hand fly. Geez, all my grandfather ever did to me was get drunk on Stroh’s and tell me to pull his finger.

[ thanks as always to gentleman farmer Awful Announcing for the clip and to the inimitable LSUfreek for the picture ]

The BuzzCuts wayback machine takes us to the early 1990’s where we meet Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan. Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan is passionate about two things: the Buffalo Bills and feathering his magnificent sandy brown hair. Unfortunately for Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan, we all know how the game went down.

Hopefully, Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan has not dropped dead of jugular vein thrombosis. If he is alive and well and plans on a smooth trip across the border to see his Bills in their new home, he better get that anger-management problem of his under control. One sure-fire remedy I recommend is to forget he ever heard of the shitty Buffalo Bills.