It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC North, the ancestral home of the Land Baron bloodline.

CHICAGO BEARS

The Smirk ‘N’ Sulk Connection

Key Additions: Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, Brandon Manumaleuna

Key Departures: Alex Brown, Nathan Vasher, Adewale Ogunleye, Kevin Jones, Orlando Pace, Gaines Adams (very far departed)

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:

- Jay Cutler is dating “The Hills’” Kristin Cavallari. This factoid represents the entirety of The Big Lead’s knowledge of the Chicago Bears.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous fact.
- Having been burned by Matt Forte last year, there’s almost zero chance he doesn’t run for 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns this season. I’m already working myself into a homicidal lather just thinking about it.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous murderous fantasy.
- The Bears are now out of challenges.

Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins

Verdict: PUSH

I think Cutlerf*cker will improve over the interception bonanza he had in his first season in Chicago. Then again, that means probably still he’ll throw, like, 15 picks. I’m high on Devin Aromashodu to have a breakout year. Signing Julius Peppers and having Brian Urlacher back certainly helps some on defense, but they still need more improvement than that.

DETROIT LIONS

via, in case you didn’t catch the watermark

Key Additions: Ndamukong Suh, Jahvid Best, Tony Scheffler, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Nate Burleson, Rob Sims, Shaun Hill

Key Departures: Ernie Sims, Larry Foote, Daunte Culpepper, Phillip Buchanon, Grady Jackson

Five Fast Facts About The Lions:

- Jeff Backus is the direct descendant of one of Julius Caesar’s favorite peg boys.
- Stefan Logan played in the CFL, so you already know he’s not impressed by the Lions.
- Kyle Vanden Bosch was excellent on the “Sons of Anarchy” premiere.
- It’s gonna to be a sad day if the Lions ever become respectable and Dominic Raiola doesn’t want to pummel their fans.
- Brandon Pettigrew is convinced the government taxes you based on the length of your shadow.

Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: OVER

NOT A MISPRINT. THAT IS AN AUTHENTIC BAD PICK. Just kidding. Gonna come clean and admit that I’m one of the those suckers so besotted with these young Lions that I think they might even go 6-10. That towering achievement means, should Detroit not complete its transformation into rubble, fans will be marking anniversaries of this team in five year increments until the end of days.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

An obtuse example of misused numerology, or a frightening intimation that Aaron Rodgers is a three-headed Favre-hydra?

Key Additions: Bryan Bulaga

Key Departures: Aaron Kampman, Michael Montgomery

Five Fast Facts About The Packers:

- Brandon Underwood could teach Ben Roethlisberger a thing or two about rape technique. After all, you don’t get accused of sexually assaulting a woman in separate incidents, you get accused of sexually assaulting two women at once. THAT’S how you avoid getting punished by the league. Such an effective economy of rape.
- If the Packers do in fact win the Super Bowl as many expect them to, the only way the inevitable Cheesetardery can be even slightly mollified is if Aaron Rodgers spends the entire time on the Dr.; Robotnik Super Bowl trophy presentation pod doing his title belt celebration.

- Greg Jennings once mistook a lychee for a raspberry. BOY WAS HE EMBARRASSED!
- The Packers currently have the most players of any NFL team that were drafted by their current organization.
- Jermichael Finley is perhaps the most overhyped fantasy tight end ever. Which is precisely why I took him in two of my four leagues.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re gonna be good. But my hater talking points indicate Aaron Rodgers needs to stop holding the ball forever and their defense isn’t anywhere nearly as good as its ranking from last season would suggest. Pretty much any top-flight passing team is capable of carving up their secondary and there’s no way Charles Woodson duplicates the kind of year he had in ’09. Oh, and Drew claims the Packers completely misused Aaron Kampman. Apparently he’s better suited to being a sous chef.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I’m willing to accept Favre being canonized so long as it means he dies.

Key Additions: Greg Camarillo, Toby Gerhart, Lito Sheppard

Key Departures: Chester Taylor, Benny Sapp, Sage Rosenfels, Artis Hicks

Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:

- Brett Favre bitched on Wednesday about how the media way overplayed his indecision about returning to football. Oh, you poor COMPLETELY COMPLICIT CALCULATING little thing. How I weep gallons for you.
- Something I did not know until very recently: Bernard Berrian’s nickname is “B-twice.” Clearly not a fan of Calvin Klein’s old “Just Be” campaign.
- Ray Edwards draws his playing intensity from the fact that the Nickelodeon cartoon “The Angry Beavers” was not a bigger hit.
- Mike Florio is a fan of the Vikings. So really, it’s not all about hating Favre.
- Percy Harvin continues to struggle with persistent migraines that have dogged him throughout his football playing days. WHICH IS JUST SUCH A CONVENIENT EXCUSE FOR NOT SLEEPING WITH DREW.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Vikings have a pretty brutal first half of the season, which isn’t particularly helpful given how vulnerable the team looks at the moment. Sidney Rice is scheduled to miss the first eight games. Brittfar’s gimpy ankle is going to prevent him from having the admittedly amazing season he had in 2009. And they’re about to play the Saints tonight with only three available corners. But at least Purple Jesus has promised that he’s done fumbling, which is nice, I guess. They have enough talent to keep even Brad Childress from condemning them to a .500 or worse record, but I see a dip to 9-7 coming.

/Drew smugly dismisses argument without offering a counter

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC East, home to the the league’s largest stadiums and the obnoxious fans who fill them on a weekly basis.

DALLAS COWBOYS

Key Additions: Alex Baron, Dez Bryant

Key Departures: Flozell Adams, Ken Hamlin, Bobby Carpenter, one of Wade Phillips’ chins

Five Fast Facts About The Cowboys:

-Tashard’s Choice was probably Meryl Streep’s worst movie to date. Unless you count Death Becomes Her.
-Marty B is probably the most entertaining 15-catch tight end in the NFL right now.
-Roy Williams still blows, in case you were wondering.
-L.P. LaDouceur is French Canadian, and that makes me uncomfortable.
-F*ck the Cowboys.

Over/Under For 2010: 10

Verdict: UNDER

Nothing will come easy in the division, and on top of that they travel to Houston, Minnesota, Green Bay, and Indianapolis. But hey, they get to play host to New Orleans. I don’t see where the 11 wins are going to come from.

NEW YORK GIANTS

Key Additions: Jim Sorgi (straight to IR), Sage Rosenfels, Antrell Rolle, Deon Grant , Jason Pierre-Paul

Key Departures: David Carr, Fred Robbins, Jeff Feagles, Antonio Pierce

Five Fast Facts About The Giants:

-When Madison Hedgecock’s career is over he’s going to retire to a southern plantation and insist that everyone refer to him as The Sodbuster.
-The Giants Superfan up there is Reby Sky, and yes, she’s done the NSFW stuff.
-Eli Manning got a dog this summer. His name is Bulls Eye.

-Bulls Eye will serve as the team’s emergency quarterback.
-Tom Coughlin’s gimp is named Harold.

Over/Under For 2010: 8.5

Verdict: UNDER

The Giants are a .500 team this year. I’m not prepared to back this up with anything. Although I could point at a picture of Eli for awhile.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Via.

Key Additions: Brandon Graham, Nate Allen, Darryl Tapp

Key Departures: Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Chris Gocong, Sheldon Brown, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis, Alex Smith, Will Witherspoon, Darren Howard

Five Fast Facts About The Eagles:

-Andy Reid has to eat a lot of Chunky bars to get the five daily servings of fruit that his doctor recommends.
-Stewart Bradley is a pretty chill bro.
-Mike Kafka is sick of bug jokes. He prefers The Trial anyway.
-Asante Samuel is terrified of grapefruit.
-Trent Cole earned the nickname “The Hunter” after he killed a buck with his bare hands.

Over/Under For 2010: 8.5

Verdict: OVER

The Eagles have plenty of depth on defense and an offense that shouldn’t see much of a drop off from previous years, even after parting ways with their veteran leaders. DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and ReJeremy Maclin will all need to perform at a consistent level to ease the transition for Kevin Kolb.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Via.

Key Additions: Donovan McNabb, Rex Grossman, Trent Williams, Joey Galloway, Larry Johnson, Adam Carriker, Maake Kemoeatu.

Key Departures: THAT RAT F*CK VINNY CERRATO WOOOOOOOOOOO!, Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, Ladell Betts, Antwaan Randle El, Chris Samuels, Randy Thomas, Cornelius Griffin, Fred Smoot.

Five Fast Facts About The Redskins:

- Once “Dallas Week” is over with Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones are going to go ahead and get an apartment together.
- I’m really going to miss the Faces of Zorn. Especially this one (via FanHouse).

-I wanted to list Ethan Albright as a key departure, but then i realized I was taking the phrase a bit loosely. Whatever, I still miss you, Red Snapper, even if Madden never gave you love.
-The cheerleaders are still captivating.
-Albert Haynesworth has his flaws, but apparently he can screw all night.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Dear God, just give me a winning season. I can’t take losing to these aforementioned assholes for another year. Oh, and I’m sorry about publishing a post on Rosh Hashanah. Just for that I’m going to eat extra apples and honey.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC East, where even the presence of Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells and Rex Ryan can’t counterbalance the crushing weight of suck that is Chan Gailey.

BUFFALO BILLS

Your rooting interest is invalid.

Key Additions: C.J. Spiller, Dwan Edwards, Cornell Green, Andra Davis

Key Departures: Aaron Schobel, Terrell Owens, Josh Reed, Richie Incognito

Five Fast Facts About The Bills:

- Holy shit, this team is terrible.
- Just really, really godawful.
- I can’t even intellectually assess the depths of its horrors.
- And Chan Gailey is coaching this team? Jeeeeesus.
- If the recent history of their quarterbacks is any indication, Trent Edwards will be a UFL champion by the end of the year.
- Bonus sixth fact: By virtue of having no other recognizable receivers on the roster, f*ckface Lee Evans once again has become a tempting fantasy option. DO NOT BE DUPED, FAIR CITIZENS!

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

One thing that I’ve appreciated about the recent terrible Rams teams is that St. Louis has been generous both will giving wins to opponents but also racking up fantasy points for Steven Jackson owners. If there’s anything that really irritates me, it’s a team that is at once worthless on the field, but also in the fantasy game as well (looking at you, Tampa Bay). All this is just my way of saying, “Hey, Chan Gailey, don’t force me to make orphans of your children, and then corpses of those orphans, and then sex objects of those corpses. Just keep running C.J. Spiller and all will be well.”

MIAMI DOLPHINS

“Oh my God! The undead have risen and are rooting tepidly for Miami!”

Key Additions: Brandon Marshall, Karlos Dansby, Richie Incognito

Key Departures: Ted Ginn, Jr., Joey Porter, Jason Taylor’s automobile navigation skills, Gibril Wilson, Pat White, Greg Camarillo

Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:

- Kendall Langford never recovered the 2.5-carat earring he lost at practice last week. Using this as an example of how practice is bad for you, Albert Haynesworth just purchased a diamond body suit.
- Brian Hartline: Ohio State’s latest scrappy hope at redemption with the Dolphins after the atrocity that was Ted Ginn, Jr.
- When informed that he would be a Pro Bowl alternate last season, Lousaka Polite, wrote a very moving thank you note to all the coaches and players, even though they didn’t initially grant him a place on the team.
- Ricky Williams, who once said he was going to retire after the 2010 season, is now seeking a contract extension from the Dolphins. Obviously he doesn’t want to miss out on the lockout year reefer madness that Florio is blithering about.
- This team somehow willingly accepted Benny Sapp when they traded Greg Camarillo to the Vikings. Maybe the threat of cheap shots will be used as a deterrent to keep Brandon Marshall from beating up more women.

Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Dolphins have been getting a lot of preseason playoff hype for a team that has Chad Henne as its starting quarterback. Nevertheless, Henne looked at times halfway decent during his first year as a starter in 2009 and will certainly be aided by the addition of Marshall. If Ronnie Brown could ever be trusted not to get injured at some point in the season, I would feel somewhat better about their chances, especially with Sticky Ricky having turned 33 this year. Still, I see Miami taking an incremental step forward.

NEW ENGLAND FOOTBALL RED SOX

“In the shower, grit is known as ‘pumice’”

Key Additions: Alge Crumpler, Gerald Warren, Marques Murrell

Key Departures: Benjamin Watson, Jarvin Green, Adalius Thomas, Shawn Springs

Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:

- Bill Simmons is using the image of rookie tight Rob Gronkowski as his Twitter avatar. Chances he wears his jersey to an upcoming screening of The Town? About the same of there being six unnecessary exterior shots of Fenway Park in that movie.
- Leigh Bodden went on IR the last week of August. When this is considered to be big news, your team did not have a very good secondary to begin with.
- Lucky for the Pats, but the Red Sox are still nine games back from deflecting any interest once the season begins Sunday. Just kidding, the NFL season still won’t start in Boston until October.
- New punter Zoltan Mesko speaks five languages and holds two degrees, including a master’s in sports management. Says Pats fan: “WELL IF HE’S SO FACKING SMAHT, WHY DONCHA READ MY FAHTUNE, YA RAAHMANIAN GYPSY FACK!?”

- I think it bears repeating that flubby’s suggestion of “Consequences Will Never Banta-Cain” is still the most clever fantasy name I’ve heard this year.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Hey, remember those halcyon days a few years back when the Patriots didn’t have to worry about the slightest bit of competition from anyone in their division? That sure was fun, wasn’t it? The Patriots responded to the mammoth drubbing they took in the first round of the playoffs last season by… doing very little with the roster. That isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but the Dolphins and the Jets have certainly found a way to improve while the Pats are standing, uh, pat. That and Randy Moss has already gone into full-on sulking mode before the season has even begun. Here’s to future route jogging, Randy.

NEW YORK JETS

Key Additions: Santonio Holmes, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Cromartie, Jason Taylor, Nick Folk, Brodney Poole

Key Departures: Alan Faneca, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Kerry Rhodes, Jay Feely, several hundred Rex Ryan shits

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

- Ben Hartsock? Your new nickname is COCKSOCK. It’s not subtle, but then again, there’s never anything subtle about a cock in a sock.
- Sure, Nick Mangold got a new car from his bet with Darrelle Revis. But Holly Mangold got… nothing. Such are the consequences of living in a nation that so harshly punishes female obesity.
- Thought you disliked LaDainian Tomlinson before? Well, if you drafted Shonn Greene, wait until LaToeInjury steals far too many of his carries because Rex wants to prove how smart he was to sign him.
- Tired of the constant Terminator jokes, John Conner has vowed that if the machines do rise up, he will be sure to destroy all movie playing devices first.
- Veteran fullback Tony Richardson was cut by the team earlier this week, only to be signed again a day later. Richardson said his day away from the Jets felt like five years, or 1/25th of his career.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

The overwhelming amount of hype surrounding this team has caused some to assume that the Jets will completely fall on their face and finish .500 or possibly worse. I had a hard time believing that even before Darrelle Revis finally signed and I have a harder time believing it now. Granted, the imminent shittiness of Mark Sanchez prevents them from being a lock to make the Super Bowl, much less win the division, but it’s pretty safe to say the Jets will win at least 10 games.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC West, home to so many Jeebus-obsessed quarterbacks, you might as well call it a sect instead of a division.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.

It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

via.

Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger

Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry

Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)

Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:

- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!

- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.

Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins

Verdict: OVER

Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones

Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham

Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)

Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.

- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.

Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy

Key Departures: Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, Donte Stallworth, Jamal Lewis, Kamerion Wimbley

Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)

Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?

- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

via.

Key Additions: Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote, Antwaan Randle El, anyone else who may have played for the team in the last 10 years, Flozell Adams

Key Departures: Santonio Holmes, Willie Parker, Deshea Townsend

Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)

Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:

- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC South, which boasts of being the third most interesting football division to Southerners, behind the two in the SEC.

ATLANTA FALCONS

Key Additions: Dunta Robinson, Jason Heyward (it’s the only way to get Atlanta fans to pay attention)

Key Departures: Tye Hill

Five Fast Facts About The Falcons:
- Matty Ice is following the example of many other 20-somethings and staving off the need to develop into his full potential until at least his 30s.
- Jerious Norwood averaged fewer than five yards per carry for the first time in 2009. An thus the torch was passed to [other lusted over back-up rusher who is perceived to get too few carries].
- Rookie linebacker Bear Woods not only has an awesome name, but he’s this year’s recipient of the Drexl Spivey Award for Best White Dreadlocks. Previous winners include former 49er fullback Zak Keasey.

- Noted do-gooder and macrobiotic dieter Tony Gonzalez last year posed naked for a PETA ad. This year: a promotion for Naked Juice in which he dons animal pelts.
- Second-year tight end Keith Zinger can’t say anything without you thinking he’s insulting you.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

Michael Turner was hurt for a good portion of last season. That and their defense being largely horrendous meant taking a step back from their 11-win season in 2008. Despite starting the season with Michael Jenkins injured and Jonathan Babineaux suspended, I like Atlanta to get back to the 10-win mark in 2010. It also helps that they’re probably be gifted four victories from the Bucs and Panthers.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Good idea, Jimmy. Get Steve Smith accustomed to hitting you with his fists.

Key Additions: F*ckface Jimmy Clausen

Key Departures: Julius Peppers, Jake Delhomme, Muhsin Muhammad, Maake Kemoeatu, Keydrick Vincent, Hollis Thomas, Brad Hoover

Five Fast Facts About The Panthers:
- With an average age of 25 years and seven days, the Panthers have the third youngest roster in the league, trailing only the 49ers and Packers. Of course, spending five minutes around Clausen will force his teammates to age at triple the regular rate.
- Captain Munnerlyn’s name is bizarrely the only thing that Jon Gruden says that I enjoy. There’s an extra oomph to the enunciation, as if he were pleased that someone has already provided a nickname for him.
- Brandon LaFell sounds the name of the pirate who first invented the plank.
- Wait! Matt Moore was actually mostly competent last year? So Clausen will have to go through a full year of Brady Quinn-like riding the pine until he finally get the opportunity to flame out in Year 2? Ooh, that’s gonna be nice.
- Jon Beason is so good, a Panthers fan actually knows who he is.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Yeah, fine, they have a fine tandem of running backs and a pretty good O-line. And Matt Moore did help the team to late season victories over the Vikings and Saints. Of course, those are just the kind of deceptive, nothing-to-lose type victories that mediocre teams use to build unrealistic expectations for themselves the following year. Also, Peter King has the Panthers as his sleeper team, which is as strong an indicator to me that they’re doomed to failure as anything.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Alex Rodriguez isn’t going to be happy that Drew Brees disfigured Peyton’s centaur ass even before he could get there.

Key Additions: Millions of gallons of oil from BP, free of charge, and yet all they do is bitch about it.

Key Departures: Scott Fujita, Mike Bell, The Gulf of Mexico

Five Fast Facts About The Saints:

- From acclaimed television writer David Simon comes “Treme,” a dramatic retelling of the run-up and immediate response to Hurricane Katrina, as seen by a motley collection of city residents, most of whom are involved in the local music scene.

- From acclaimed novelist Dave Eggers comes “Zeitoun,” the story of a Syrian-born painting collector who decides to remain in New Orleans after the hurricane to protect his property. Using a small canoe, he rescues people stranded by Katrina until he is arrested by government responders and flung headlong into a “vortex of bureaucratic brutality.”

- From acclaimed film director Spike Lee comes “If God Is Willing and da Creek Don’t Rise,” the second documentary from the filmmaker about post-Katrina New Orleans. While the first focused on the immediate aftermath, the newer documentary will examine the recovery process five years after the storm struck, beginning with the Saints Super Bowl victory.

- From acclaimed graphic novelist Josh Neufeld comes “A.D.: New Orleans After the Deluge,” which recounts the survival stories of five individuals who Neufeld encountered while researching the hurricane and its aftermath.

- What? Nothing on the BP spill yet? Damn your slow turnaround time, creative types!

Over/Under For 2010: 10.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Somehow, improbably, even after winning a championship, the Saints remain a mostly likable team. This is true even as the team’s title as citywide redemption story still gets repeated ad nauseum, as if it’s improved the quality of life of a single person living there. Nevertheless, the Saints put a stop to Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and are promising to once again mete out swift and extensive punishment to Brett Favre in the NFC Championship Game rematch in a few weeks, so far be from me to rain on the parade of happy feelings.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Stylez G. White can dig it.

Key Additions: Gerald McCoy, Keydrick Vincent, Sean Jones

Key Departures: Antonio Bryant, Will Allen, Chris Hovan

Five Fast Facts About The Buccaneers:
- Ah, so this is where former Eagles receiver Reggie Brown went to die.
- The buzz is that Kareem Huggins might beat out Derrick Ward for the backup running back job. How was he able to do that? If it was more than “ask nicely” it was too much.
- Aqid Talib’s Muslim name wants to build a Ground Zero mosque inside your stadium pirate ship. Stop him, crackers!
- Russ Grimm’s son, Cody, is trying to make the team as a safety. As we all know, sons of Hall of Fame linemen are 35 PERCENT MORE LIKELY TO BE CRAZY OBSCURE PLAYERS!
- Safety Corey Lynch used to wear the no. 47 in college and with the Bengals because of his admiration for former Bucs safety John Lynch. Someone just bought himself five extra years to suck in this town.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Last season, the Bucs had two players with 600 or more receiving yards. One of them left in free agency. The other one was Kellen Winslow. So unless Arrelious Benn happens to be the biggest steal in the draft, Josh Freeman is going to have a fun time finding a primary target in 2010. Speaking of Freeman, he just broke the thumb on his throwing hand. Oh yeah, their running game isn’t particularly strong either. So, uh, best of luck, Raheem Morris.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the Fat Humps’ fiefdom, the AFC South. Rex Ryan would be interested to know that this division’s champ has led the league in regular season wins each of the last two seasons.

Houston Texans

Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?

Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats

Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
- “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
- Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
- Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
- Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.

Verdict: OVER

You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?

RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH

Indianapolis Colts

Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.

* – Peyton’s phrasing

Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi

Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
- Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
- Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.

- Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
- Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.

Verdict: OVER.

We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…

Jacksonville Jaguars

Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison

Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward

Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
- Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
- The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
- Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.

- Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
- In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.

Verdict: UNDER

Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.

Tennessee Titans

So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.

Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock

Key Departures: LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Alge Crumpler

Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
- LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
- is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
- It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
- Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.

Verdict: OVER

They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.

It’s that time of year again, when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Here’s the first one, about the dreadful and boring NFC West. It helps to start at the bottom. At least that’s what your mom said.

THE BLOODBUZZ OHIO THAT IS THE ARIZONA CARDINALS

Key Additions: RESPECT!, Horse Balls, Alan Faneca

Key Departures: Anquan Boldinbot, Kurt Warner’s drawing of Jesus

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals
- Jay Feely came out vociferously in support of Arizona’s contentious immigration law. Because who wants possibly accurate kickers to be coming into this country? I’M WATCHING YOU ZENDEJAS!
- Derek Anderson isn’t so much a flash in the pan as rancid grease that was once useful in cooking, but has since congealed, begun to smell and ate your dog.
- Having taken his public ribbing of Albert Haynesworth too far, Darnell Dockett owes the world an apology when Albert takes to the shower for comedic revenge on Dockett.
- Alan Faneca says triceratops definitely exist because he is one and he’ll be damned if you deny him.
- LaRod Stephens-Howling Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie Armin Mueller-Stahl Soleil Moon Frye The End

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Sorry, brahs. Relevance was fun while it lasted.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

Key Additions: Ted Ginn Jr., David Carr WHAT A HAUL! C’MON, LEAVE SOME FOR EVERYBODY ELSE!

Key Departure: Isaac Bruce (possibly dead)

Five Fast Facts About The 49ers:
- Jehuu Caulcrick will be the mayor of Gristledown Junction, if ever the rusticated podunk I have imagined just for his name becomes reality.
- I realize Vernon Davis was raised in the D.C. area, but someday a benevolent soul is gonna sit the youngblood down and inform him that other cities indeed have strippers, too. And good ones at that!
- Guard Tony Wragge isn’t aware of oncoming danger unless he hears a “ruh roh”.
- Taylor Mays is tailor made for ban punny headlines.
- After Glen Coffee watches one of those Foundation For a Better Life commercials, he momentarily pines for a wholesome life of substance before setting his pile of gasoline-soaked Bible-clutching dead fetuses on fire with an already lit dead hooker .

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Despite very clearly being a quarterback away from contending for several years now, the 49ers are content to keep bringing baby hands Alex Smith back for another try. This year he’ll be joined by fellow no. 1 overall bust David Carr. All they need now is JaMarcus to be brought in to fill out the trio. At the same time, the rest of the division is truly horrid. So unless the Seahawks turn out to be much better than Pete Carroll’s NFL history and broken down Matt Hasselbeck would lead me to expect, the Niners are the call here.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

“Let’s see a NCAA compliance officer STOP THIS!”

Key Additions: Leon Washington, Golden Tate

Key Departures: Patrick Kerney, Walter Jones, Nate Burleson

Five Fast Facts About The Seahawks:
- Lawyer Milloy is the only player on the roster to have played for Carroll during his last stint as a pro coach. He’s having fun capturing the “before” expressions of his teammates.
- Charlie Whitehurst is the name of a shitty transitional quarterback if ever I heard one. That said, keep an eye on UFL CHAMPION J.P. LOSMAN!
- Oh, the indignity! Matt Hasselbeck had to take a drug test during the offseason. And there was a man in the room! And the toilet wasn’t festooned with gold leaf and cherub wings! Rose petals did not issue forth! SAVE HIM, WON’T YOU, ANDY HUTCHINS!?
- This team deprived us the chance to see what “swaggerjack” inventor LenDale White’s Madden swagger rating would be. May none of you ever get a Top Pot maple bar again.
- Sean Morey retired two days before the start of training camp. Woohoo! One fewer player from Brown for Berman to dribble his sausage gravy cum all over the ESPN news crawl.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Stupid half win, smugly preventing me from giving them the push at 7-9 this roster so richly deserves. Nevertheless, I could be completely off base and the Seahawks, as opposed to the 49ers, could be lucky NFC West team to eke out eight or nine wins to secure the right to host a first-round home playoff loss. We’ll see how the drama unfolds.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

 

Key Additions: Sam Bradford, TAX CHEAT MARTYR-NAMED MOOSLIM MAJORITY OWNER Shahid Kahn

Key Departure: Marc Bulger (had to put something here).

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
- They held a contest to rename their mascot. They did not chose Randy “The Ram” Robinson. FOR SHAMMMEEEE!
- Tackle Joe Gibbs will block for the counter trey on every play, even field goal attempts. AND THEY WILL LOVE HIM FOR IT IN THE DMVEEE, COOCH!
- Mardy Gilyard is only doing the NFL receiver thing until his half hat company takes off.
- Keith Null in set formation remains a rare crossover math/football meme.
- In an ironic twist, I am overpursuing a Chris Hovan punchline.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

They bad.