Ah, the AFC East. When I was in dipshit prep school, I was subjected to endless AFC matchups on Sundays, featuring the Patriots and presided over by the likes of Don Criqui, Bob Trumpy, and the notorious Beasley Reece. THE BEASE. Times have changed, but this division still remains one of the more annoying ones in all of football.

Before I get into the preview, did you realize that today, THIS DAY, uh, tomorrow marks the beginning of televised organized football? It’s true. South Carolina plays NC State tomorrow (Hi, Erin!), and Oregon plays Boise State in the nightcap. You won’t have a football-free weekend again for the rest of the year. And to that, I say…

FUCK AND YES.

NEW YORK JETS

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
-In accordance with team rules regarding all head coaches, Coach Rex Ryan’s gunt is already in midseason shape.
-Seriously though, Rex Ryan looks like a really fat Ron White. DEY CALL ME TATER SALAD! I GOT MYSELF AN EX-WIFE, AND SHE’S REAL CUNT!
-Thomas Jones is the new Osi. O HE GON POOP. Only thing that makes his life complete is when he turns yo face into a toilet seat.
-Quarterback Mark Sanchez looks JUST like Johnny Damon! His skin is brown!
-Wideout Jerricho Cotchery and tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson plan on morphing into one person: Jerricho D’Brickashaw, the greatest private eye of the 18th century.

Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 7

Verdict: UNDER! Expect Sanchez to piss away a game effort by an improved Jets defense. THAT’S A COLD HARD FOOTBALL FACT.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Five Fast Facts About The Patriots:
-Remember that one scene in “Return of the Jedi,” when they’re outside of Jabba’s palace and you see that giant frog ice some creature with his tongue? That’s the frog stuck in Robert Kraft’s throat.
-Coach Bill Belichick doesn’t like you talking when he’s fucking you in the ass.
-Backup QB Andrew Walter is currently undergoing the same medullar implant procedure Matt Cassel underwent last year.
-I can’t prove Fred Taylor has ever done cocaine, but he totally looks like a guy who’s enjoyed himself some cocaine.
-When you play charades with retired LB Tedy Bruschi, you’ll guess “helicopter” every time.

Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 11.5

Verdict: JUST OVER! It’s one of the league’s tougher schedules. But with Brady back under center, it’s tough not to pencil these assholes in for 12 wins every year.

BUFFALO BILLS

Five Fast Facts About The Bills:
-Lee Evans? Sounds like the name of a character on Falcon Crest. Fuck you, Lee Evans.
-Waiting out a three-game suspension results in a better BEEF MOE, due to the air-drying process.
-Stanford grad Trent Edwards has that kind of casual intelligence all Stanford grads have that makes you want to punch them in the kidneys.
-All residents of Buffalo are mandated by law to marry before the age of 20. Seriously. Go there sometime. Youngest brides this side of Utah.
-In Halloween 2, out now, director Rob Zombie updated Michael Myers’ look by trading a Shatner mask for a Jauron mask.

Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 7.5

Verdict: OVER! You won’t find more perfect candidate for an 8-8 year than this team.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
-When coach Tony Sparano needs some good pussy, he hits Reno.
-Quarterback Pat White is a chic fantasy football pick for people who fail to grasp the scoring systems of their league
-One! Two! Three! Four! COME ON BABY SAY YOU LOVE MEEEEE! Five! Six! SEVEN TIIIMES!!!
-A chick I know boned minority owner Jimmy Buffett. I’ve mentioned that before, but still. I don’t want to be one degree separated from Jimmy Buffet’s cock. It bothers me.
-DE Jasoin Taylor polishes his head in Shine-O Ball-O.

Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 8.0

Verdict: UNDER! Back to the pack you go, fellas!

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Dallas Cowboys

Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:

• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.
• YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAW, THEIR OWNER HAS A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.

New York Giants

Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:

• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins

Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.

Washington Redskins

Five Fast Facts About the Skins:

• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5’8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.

/homer

Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:

• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

*H/T to Ape

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.

God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.

Eagles image via Flickr.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of non-Favre content that we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC West, the NFL’s best division — at producing Super Bowl losers!

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Five Fast Facts About the Cardinals:

• Just watch, this is going to be Matt Leinart’s breakthrough year.  This is the season he finally nails three chicks at once.
• Rookie wide receiver Michael Ray Garvin has killed 18 people in ten different states, usually by strangling lone travelers at rest stops in the middle of the night.
• Dude, Michael Oher gets a movie about his life, but Kurt Warner gets ignored? C’mon, the Jesus-loving supermarket stock boy who fell in love with a single military mom with a disabled kid who then went on to win the Super Bowl?  That shit would be bigger than Left Behind.
• Who was the first person to a name a sports team the “Cardinals” anyway? Someone needs to go back in time and punch that guy in the dick.
• Wide receiver Steve Sanders still has the hots for Kelly Taylor.

2008: 9-7, AFC West Champions. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 8.5

Verdict: UNDER. It feels wrong to say a team that almost won the Super Bowl won’t finish better than .500, but they’ve got a tougher schedule this year, and I don’t like the combination of a Week 4 bye with a 38-year-old quarterback.  Or rather, I do like it, but I think it doesn’t bode well for the team.  However, if Warner stays healthy the entire year, I reserve the right to rescind this prediction.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

Five Fast Fact about the Niners:

• Michael Crabtree has already assured his teammates that he’ll be less disappointing than Vernon Davis.  Okay, okay — less disappointing than Alex Smith.
• San Francisco has a noted gay community.  Therefore, some 49er fans are probably gay.  Which means, for your taunting purposes, ALL 49er fans are gay.  Ha ha, they’re sinners in the eyes of the Christian god!
• Isn’t this team moving to Sam Jose or something?  When’s that happening?
• Quietly, the players refer to Mike Singletary’s asshole as the Eye of Sauron.
• Amazingly, Damon Huard is still in the NFL after 13 years.  Brock Huard, however, was last seen three years ago, riding rail cars in the American West and nursing a bottle of Thunderbird.

Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 7

Verdict: PUSH. Yes, the team seemed to play better after Mike Singletary took the reigns last year, but his main changes were mooning the team and benching a shitty quarterback in favor of a less shitty quarterback.  I’m skeptical.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Five Fast Facts About the Seahawks:

• Matt Hasselbeck is an alumnus and ardent supporter of Boston College.  Which is too bad, because he seemed like a cool guy.
• With Mike Holmgren and his steadfast refusal to adapt his system to match his talent gone, there’s a chance Seneca Wallace might actually get used effectively this season.
• Offensive lineman Mansfield Wrotto should have made our list of private investigator names.
• Fullback Owen Schmitt got a DUI this offseason, proving that nominative determinism exists for nicknames as well.
• If you have two or more Seahawks on your fantasy team, you will not go to the playoffs.

2008: 4-12. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 7.5

Verdict: OVER. Granted, I’m a homer, but 2008 was a Biblical plague of injuries for Seattle, and they enjoyed a solid draft and free agent class.  They lack skill at running back and depth on the offensive line, but on the other hand, the NFC West sucks.  I guess this means I’m picking them to win the division, and yet I don’t really see them doing that with a new coach in a new system.  I don’t know, I’m bad at this.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

Five Fast Facts About the Rams:

• Rookie linebacker and Ohio State alum James Lauranaitis is at least as intelligent as Andy Katzenmoyer.
• This is your annual reminder that someone named Richie Incognito exists.  “Richie”?  Pal, you gotta call yourself Dick Incognito.  Like that time I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.
• St. Louis claims it has the best baseball fans in America, thus it has the worst football fans. QED.
• After games, opposing cornerbacks can’t get the smell of Ronald Curry off of them.
• Defensive end C.J. Ah You’s name is some extra punctuation away from being a brief conversation.

2008: 4-12. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 5.5

Verdict: UNDER. When Marc Bulger (AKA Mr. Glass from Unbreakable) goes down, Kyle Boller is their starting quarterback.

San Diego Chargers (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 10-6 )

Here is what we know about the Bolts. LaDanian Tomlinson is healthy.

The Chargers should have less pressure on their offense now that Shawne Merriman is back and joined in the linebacking corps by first-round pick Larry English.

Wide receiver Buster Davis continues to develop and big things are expected from him this season.

Furthermore, the Chargers have been experimenting with the “wildcat offense” in training camp…

… with Tomlinson and Legedu Naanee lining up at quarterback.

Denver Broncos (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 5-11 )

Bronco fans have suffered through a tumultuous off-season. First the team fired their multiple Super Bowl winning and future Hall of Fame coach. Then they hired the soon-to-be latest Belichick protégé to crash and burn. Said coach then immediately pissed off their franchise quarterback, who forced a trade for a shitty neckbeard quarterback. Oh, and they paid too much for the husk of Brian Dawkins. Meanwhile, the Denver Post is keeping its readers up to date on all the preseason action. No, we’re not referring to their crappy exhibition games– they are live blogging Brandon Marshall’s trial on battery charges. This is going to be a fanfuckingtastic season for Bronco haters.

Kansas City Chiefs (2008 record: 2-14, Projected 2009 record: 6-10)

New coach Todd Haley hates his wideouts. No, I mean he fucking hates them. He hates Dwayne Bowe. He hates Devard Darling. But this isn’t surprising if you remember how famously he got along with Anquan Boldin. Here are Haley’s latest efforts to motivate his receivers.

“Haley had Bowe’s eyes checked to find out whether his dropped passes were related to poor vision, had cleats examined to help receivers improve their routes and has tried verbal assault therapy — anything to get through to Bowe, who is talented but inconsistent.”

So, what’s next on Haley’s passive-aggressive wide receiver emasculation schedule? We checked:

Oakland Raiders (2008 record: Projected 2009 record: 16-0, Super Bowl bitchez )

Back in April during a live chat on NFL.com, Michael Crabtree was asked about the prospect of being drafted by the Raiders who held the seventh pick. His response? “No comment.” Fast forward four months and Crabtree is holding out of 49ers training camp, claiming that even though he was the tenth overall pick, he should receive compensation greater than that of the Darrius Heyward-Bey—whom the Raiders drafted in his stead. Hey Crabtree, if you wanted Crazy Al to overpay you instead of DHB, maybe you should have chosen your words a little more carefully. Now kindly choke on a three-dick salad, you self-important cocksocket.

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It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

The things you’ll stoop to when Vinny Testaverde still has the best statistical season as a quarterback in your franchise’s history.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

Five Fast Facts About the Ravens:

Terrell Suggs is now the highest paid linebacker in the NFL, proving once again that the life of a bounty hunter can be a lucrative and glamorous one.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

History suggests that the Ravens fall on their knives during odd-numbered years, but these assholes should be good enough to have a winning record in 2009, even if Mark Clayton is their no. 1 receiver going into the season. That is, UNLESS THE REFS COST THEM EVERY GAME! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!

Very considerate of the Bungles to come up with a word to describe their shitty style of play

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Five Fast Facts About the Bengals:

Cedric Benson couldn’t cut it on a UFL team, so the Bengals will have to do.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 6 wins

Verdict: PUSH

People seem to think they’ll be better this year. After all, Denzel gave Ocho a stern talking-to. How could that not work?

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Shaun Smith may not be related to Steve Smith, but they enjoy punching the same people.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 7 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Browns, expected contenders in 2008, spent the whole year underachieving and then just not caring towards the end. Stands to reason they would have a chance to rebound the next year, but Eric Mangini has already done everything he can to alienate the team he’s inheriting. Credit Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress for taking all the coach-induced team implosion focus off him this offseason.

The Pussy Monsta-Pussy Ravager two-pack.

PICKSBURGH STILLERS

Five Fast Facts About the Steelers:

The “Sixburgh” stuff was barely tolerable and I love this team, but the “Stairway to Seven” slogans are gonna have me committing intra-fanbase bookkake left and right.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 10.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

They went 12-4 with a more difficult schedule last year and all they lost was Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote and Nate Washington, who’ve all been sufficiently replaced. They also don’t have the worst punter in the world anymore with Spatula returning. Barring a huge spate of injuries, they should be good for 11+ wins. Everyone will talk about what a huge distraction the civil suit is going to be. Notice that with no criminal complaint filed and ESPN finally having reported on it, the story is pretty much already gone from the news this week. There’s no police investigation to report on, hence nothing driving the story. Plus, (The) Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!” at him. Not to say it can’t be a distraction, but it doesn’t look to be a huge one when any trial wouldn’t take place until this time next year.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-afc-north.html/feed 37 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-nfc-north.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-nfc-north.html#comments Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:30:30 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=16910
More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

Like that forced grin is gonna last

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:

The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.

DETROIT LIONS

Five Fast Facts About the Lions:

Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Five Fat Fast Facts About the Packers:

Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:

Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-nfc-north.html/feed 49 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-afc-south.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-afc-south.html#comments Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:54:29 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=16645
Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About the Texans:

Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins

VERDICT: Push.

Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!

/Texans go 12-4 just to spite me

LAND OF SHIT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About the Colts:

Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins

Verdict: PUSH

Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.

She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:

With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About the Titans: