NEW ORLEANS SAINTS The question on the minds of many Saints fans heading into this season: Is this finally going to be the year that Reggie Bush establishes himself as a standout offensive weapon? Of course, the answer to that question is a resounding “hell naw.” Bush is a bust—a spicy, Creole-style laissez les bon temps roulez bust—but a bust all the same.

Experts and fans alike mocked former Houston GM Charley Casserly mercilessly after the Texans made Mario Williams the number one pick in the 2006 draft. So, the real question is why hasn’t Casserly hasn’t used one of his informative yet hopelessly dull segments on CBS with James Brown as a platform to crow about his prescient selection. Go ahead, Charley, feel free to tell us all to lick your musty old taint. You’ve earned it!

CAROLINA PANTHERS I had a really bitchy Steve Smith barb I wanted to put here, but my fragile psyche couldn’t handle the possibility of getting my ass beat by a midget. Instead, here’s a recipe for no-bake cookies:

2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
Pinch of salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 tablespoons peanut butter
3 cups quick oats

In large saucepan, combine sugar, butter, milk, cocoa and salt. Bring to boil over medium heat, stirring frequently. Continue boiling 3 minutes, stirring frequently.

Remove from heat. Stir in vanilla and peanut butter; stirring until peanut butter is melted. Add oats and mix well.

Drop by tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper. Let stand until firm. Store tightly covered. Makes approx. 3 dozen cookies.

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: Over. Sure they’re coming off of a 47-3 loss that had me screaming like Buzz Bissinger on a PCP bender, but hey, it’s just the pre-season, right? right?!?! FUCK ME LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL! GOD DAMN IT REED DOUGHTY, IF YOU COULD HEAR YOU MIGHT NOTICE THE WIDE RECEIVERS TRAMPLING PAST YOU! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR LINE LOOK LIKE THEY’RE WEARING FUCKING ROLLER SKATES?! So yeah, Super Bowl or bust!

NEW YORK GIANTS

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Osi’s done for the year, Strahan isn’t coming back, and the secondary blows without a pass rush. But hey, at least they have Eli and his equally unstoppable Citizen EcoDrive. They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.

DALLAS COWBOYS

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: Over. Yeah, I guess they’re pretty good. But they’ll figure out a fun new way to fuck up the playoffs.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Andy Reid will finally throw Donovan McNabb under the bus, and Brian Westbrook will realize that there’s no real point in trying anymore.

ARIZONA CARDINALS

- One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex with a goat.
- What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star? Matt Leinart knows the answer. Say what you will about his extracurriculars, but homeboy’s laughing all the way to the VD clinic.
- Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.0 wins

Verdict: Under. The Cardinals have been predicted to be a “sleeper” team ready to make the “leap” for more consecutive years than I can count. At this point, picking them to step up is like betting on Charlie Brown to make a field goal. Anyone who picks them to succeed deserves to get punched in the nuts, if only on principle. Just like that bitch-ass Charlie Brown.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

- The 49ers are the greatest team in NFL history to not inspire a lackluster fan base.
- Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk was known as the “Mayor of Castro Street.” Niners coach Mike Nolan is known as Der Fuehrer of Sucky Straße.
- Offensive genius Mike Martz brings his magic to the City this year. San Francisco’s population of old lesbians is already swooning.
- The name “49er” comes from the flocks of men that flooded the city in 1849 in search of cock.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins

Verdict: Push? Five wins, six wins, what’s the difference? They’re not going anywhere with Alex Smith’s elf hands holding the football.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

A Few Fast Facts About the Seahawks

- Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once presented President Bush with a Seahawks jersey. He can surpass Steve Largent as the most politically conservative Seahawk if he votes National Socialist in the next six elections.
- Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency. They’re so shorthanded at wide receiver that they let some white guys try out.
- Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all.
- Shaun Alexander is a class act who plans to stay active in the Seattle community and keep close ties with the organization, even though the team cut him. More importantly, the team cut him.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9.0 wins

Verdict: Over. I know I’m a homer, but the Seahawks are better than they were last year, and this division still sucks. Barring an injury to Hasselbeck, they’ll get at least one home game in the playoffs. Oh God, I’ve jinxed Hasselbeck! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ST. LOUIS RAMS

- Second place for the featured Ram picture was this.
- Third place was this.
- Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.
- Teri Hatcher has a ten-year-old daughter, which means Chris Long could star in the first-ever second-generation RadioShack ad. And people say Earth’s future doesn’t look bright.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 wins

Verdict: Over. The Rams got ruined by injuries last year. Bulger and S-Jax return healthy, and Chris Long should help improve last year’s shoddy D.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- On the Simpsons, Fat Tony’s last name is DeMico. Close enough to DeMeco Ryans’ given name to lead me to believe his mom is a fan. Maybe we can be friends.
- Kevin Walter wishes he was only confused with Kevin Curtis because they share a first name.
- The best quarterback in franchise history is Matt Schaub. I’m not even a Texans fan and that makes me want to drink.
- Demarcus Faggins’ nickname is “Petey”. Petey Faggins sounds like what Peedi Crakk would be known by in the Shire.
- Sure, Mario Williams proved to be a better pick than Reggie Bush, but is he encouraging kids to get out and play at least an hour a day? No? Good. Nothing’s funnier than a fatass kid.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 Wins

Verdict: OVER

They finished .500 last year and nothing leads me to believe they won’t improve if they get a full season out of Andre Johnson. Other than that, uh…you wanna fill me in, Texans fans? Hello? (Taps mouse) Hello?

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- The 2008 season will be Tony Dungy’s last as a head coach. But his first as a Vanessa Redgrave-themed transvestite.
- Marvin Harrison should be able to bounce back from injury. Dwight Freeney, however, will try to spin his way back with grim results.
- With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL.
- Just what sort of extra virulent strain of retardery inflicts the average Colts fan? Here’s a clue.
- Dominic Rhodes is happy to be back in Indy where he only has to suck on 3rd down.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 11 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Even with questions surrounding Pey-Pey’s health and the efficacy of MarHar coming off an injury and a shooting spree, the Colts should be good for their usual 13 or so wins capped by a home playoff loss. But who will it come against? The Chargers like last year? The Steelers (against whom they’re 0-5 all-time in the playoffs)? Or will some dark horse team rise up and knock them off in embarrassing fashion? The suspense, it kills me.

JACKSONVILLE JIGGYWIRES

Five Fast Facts About The Jiggywires:
- I’m pretty sure that goatee is made of the aluminum powder often found in Etch-a-Sketches.
- If it is indeed aluminum powder, Matt Jones would like to snort it in the back seat of his friend’s car.
- If Silky Garrard doesn’t watch out, Cleo Lemon might just up and snatch one from his stable if he’s not careful.
- Stout off-season acquisitions Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson are already being slowed by injury. Hopefully they can return to 100 percent mediocre by the start of the season.
- When Jack Del Rio goes fishing, he hooks his line with gummi worms to catch Swedish fish. He’s been successful in this endeavor at least three times.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Jack “Of The River” is a fuckstick of the highest order, but the Jags made strides at the end of last year. Over the off-season, they stupidly threw a lot of money at disappointing receivers, while a homegrown dfisappointing receiver was getting in some trouble. As long as the MJD-Fred Taylor combo holds up, that should be able to mask the fact that David Garrard isn’t very good.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- This year, the Titans plan to be the first team in NFL history to employ the five tight end set.
- Lendale White was the inspiration for the X-Men villain Mojo.
- Tight end Alge Crumpler is happy to finally be matched up with a run-first quarterback with an inaccurate arm.
- Tennessee, if you’ll recall, is full of snitches.
- Justin Gage doesn’t like that his last name is outdated slang for marijuana. So he smokes a lot of weed to take his mind off it.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

Probably a good enough team to finish above .500 in most divisions, but the AFC South is a toughie and somebody needs to take a step back. What better team than the one with no discernible passing game?

A Few Fast Facts About The Bills

- Drafting Lee Evans on your fantasy team is a sure-fire way to get a steel-toed dick kicking each and every week. And your balls with be placed on a tee for said booting.
- The Bills were 4-1 last year in games where Marshawn Lynch ran for more than 91.44 meters.
- Donte Whitner has guaranteed that the Bills will make the playoffs. Naturally he means in the CFL.
- Now that Tim Russert has died, the most famous Bills fan is… the decomposing corpse of Tim Russert!
- Stephen Abootman approves of Ralph Wilson’s plan to bring Canadia more money.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins

Verdict: Under

Nice try, Vegas. The Bills flirted with contention for a few weeks last year before losing five out of their last seven games and finishing 7-9. You’d think with a few breaks this year, coupled with the fact that they’ll be playing four games against the NFC West, and they could make the jump to 8-8. But the yearlong QB controversy between Trent Edwards and J.P. Losman should keep NFL fans glued to the sets for 10, maybe 15 seconds.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

A Few Fast Facts About The Dolphins
- Ronnie Brown hopesw to bounce back from last year’s injury with an even more career-threatening one this year.
- They’re bringing Quincy Carter in for a try-out this week. If he does well, he could be coveted roster spot as Ricky Williams pot supplier. Careful, Miami: he skims.
- Joey Porter requests time away from the field to solve the Bay Harbor Butcher case on his own.
- Parcells has also shown interest in bringing in Terry Glenn. Because some women you just never get over.
- Tony Sparano would tah reiterate what a huge fucking pleasure it is tah have young talent the fucking likes of Jake Long on this here fucking team. Anyone who says otherwise could kind themselves with a bit of a conflict on their hands, capische?

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins

Verdict: Under

Whoa whoa whoa. Sure, they’ll probably improve over their 1-15 campaign of last year, but let’s not go nuts, okay? I mean six wins is asking a lot. That’s like almost Bears-level sucking. And the Dolphins haven’t quite reached that plateau of suck. I’d say Chiefs-level suckage is attainable this season.

THE 18-1 EIGHTEENANDONES

A Few Fast Facts About The Patriots

- Junior Seau gleaned from the latest Indiana Jones movie that he too could be serviceably mediocre well into his 90s.
- Feeling betrayed by helmets everywhere, Rodney Harrison only vows to hit people not wearing them.
- In accordance with the terms of his contract, Wes Welker did not spend any time in the sun over the summer, so as to ensure the the purity of his milky whiteness.
- There’s a lot of pressure on the Patriots this season. Not just to rebound from last year’s disappointment, but as it states in the New England Sports Fan Charter, if any local team should go five years without winning a title, all acknowledgment of said team’s existence will be vehemently refuted, ya fackin’ daaahkie lovin’ shitbawx!
- It should come as a shock to no one who sees the Bill Belichick sex tape that he is not circumcised. Or that the extra skin is gray and made of a thick cotton material.
- Let’s just say the Commonwealth (gay) of Massachusetts is about to be owned outright by Visa.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 12 wins

Verdict: Over

Only the fucking Patriots could have a perfect regular season and wind up with the league’s easiest schedule the following season. Some might say it’s collusion but [whisked away from keyboard by NFL goons] there isn’t even the slightest trace of impropriety in the way the schedule is drawn up. I, for one, look forward to the inimitable excitement and pageantry only found in the National Football League.

NEW YORK JETS

A Few Fast Facts About The Jets

- Your tits must be as large as Mangini’s if you wish to display them at the Meadowlands.
- The Jets are deciding their starting QB by coin flip. Harvey Dent approves.
- Still think Alan Faneca is the best guard in football? Congratulations, you haven’t watched a game since 2005.
- Speaking of 2005, Kris Jenkins had already passed his brief prime by then. Great free agent class, New York!
- Like Braves first baseman Casey Kotchman, Jerricho Cotchery has people immaturely snicker at his name. But because he’s black, he can get people to stop.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins

Verdict: Over

Drew made a big deal about caling the Jets as his surprise playoff team for this year and maybe they would be if they were in the fucking NFC. Still, other than the Pats, they reside in a division where 8-8 seems within the realm of possibility. Unless, of course, they land Brett Favre. Then they’ll have no fucking prayer at all.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

A Few Fast Facts About the Ravens
- These are the only six white people in Baltimore not living in Federal Hill. Update: They’ve since been killed and dumped in a vacant rowhouse.
-Ever notice how the Ravens were never referenced on The Wire? Like, not even once? Where did McNulty and Bunk go when they were in the mood for a sporting event? Orioles game. What jersey did Namond Brice wear in Season 4? Eagles. (Yeah, Cunningham Jerome Brown throwback, but whatevs). All I’m saying is the team is evil and David Simon realizes this. Which is why I love him.
-Willis McGahee doesn’t like that Travis Henry gets all the pub for fathering illegitimate children. He hopes some of his illegitimate children grow up to be media professionals who will correct this disparity.
-The Ravens answer for the retired Jonathan Ogden is second-year tackle Jared Gaither. He went to Maryland, so you know how much he sucks.
-Paper Moon Diner is kinda cool. THERE I SAID SOMETHING FUCKING NICE ABOUT BALTIMORE

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6 wins

Verdict: Push

Six wins sounds like a reasonable tally for a team with no quarterback and a rookie coach who looks like he’s 28. But, hey, they still have an old, homicidal overrated linebacker, an overrated safety and Haloti Ngata. That’s got to be worth at least two wins over Cincy.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

A Few Fast Facts About the Bengals:

- Their reputation of unlawfulness has outlived its relevance. They’ve gone back to generally depressing ineptitude now.
- The struggling economy has pushed the retirement age of Willie Anderson from 35 to 68.
- Shayne Graham’s first name is actually Michael. But he didn’t want to be confused for the conservative author. Or a heterosexual.
- Former Bengals safety Madieu Williams signed with the Vikings for $33 million. This act alone is responsible for all depreciation of the dollar.
- The Bengals acquired Carson’s little brother, Jordan Palmer, in the off-season. Cooper Palmer, however, chooses to live his life in the shadows, feasting on lost passersby and pets who have lost their way.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7 wins

Verdict: Under

Are you explosively shitting on my dick? Seven wins out of this team? They have enough clubhouse turmoil to fill 10 Middle Easts. And ammunition too! Seriously Vegas, I appreciate the gift, but the Bungles will be lucky not to lose more than 12 games. Maybe the seven was actually meant to indicate the number of year extension Marvin Lewis will somehow get after this season. Mike Brown should get a reality show.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

A Few Fast Facts About the Browns:
- Did you know they’ve never been a Super Bowl?
- Isn’t that sad?
- Couldn’t you just cry for Cleveland?
- No?
- Me neither.
- Brady Quinn can tell you everything you’ve eaten for the last seven months by tasting your semen. If you’ve also tasted semen during that span you may become his intended.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 wins

Verdict: Over

The Browns are everybody’s chichi pick for a Super Bowl run this year, despite falling apart in big games late last season and having a coach who generally doesn’t know what he’s doing once he’s let out of his terrarium. They did pick up the Pats’ least impressive receiver and a defensive lineman from the Lions who only shows up when games are catered. What else do you need to turn the corner?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

A Few Fast Facts About The Steelers
- Marvel Smith’s back is being held together by Bubble Tape. Unfortunately, it’s not chewed.
- The only thing Jeff Reed doesn’t do drunk is wash his car. Because he doesn’t know where he left it.
- LaMarr Woodley will have 38 sacks this season. But 33 of them will be against Troy Smith.
- Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite bedtime snack is Parmesan Goldfish and scabs.
- Santonio Holmes’ penis can act as a cell phone tower if needed.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9 wins

Verdict: Over

Sure, they have the league’s most difficult schedule this year. It’ll be tough, but they’re up to the task. After all, they did pretty much address all of their weaknesses in the off-season. Well, all of them EXCEPT THE REALLY FUCKING HUGE OBVIOUS ONE THAT IS THE OFFENSIVE LINE! Justin Hartwig is good, right? Right? Oh man, here come the waterworks.