A Random Number of Fast Facts About the Giants

-Eli Manning is such a pussy that team trainers give him a precautionary Feline AIDS test bi-weekly
-Shocking but true: Defensive back Aaron Ross has two first names
-Steve Smith isn’t that Steve Smith, he’s the other Steve Smith
-Amani Toomer is benign; dressed in rags
-Osi Umenyiora is Nigerian for, “Expires After Contract Year”
-Michael Strahan videotaped his wife’s sister getting naked but he really had his eye on her boyfriend
-Tom Coughlin refuses to deny the rumors surrounding his affiliation with the Fourth Reich
-Steve Mara once castrated a five year-old for wearing an Eagles jersey in his presence
-Wellington Mara is producing Biggie and Pac’s new duets album
-Ernie Accorsi tried to tag along with Tiki Barber at Good Morning America but the producers felt he was more “ugly” ugly than “tv” ugly.
-Brandon Jacobs and Ruben Droughns take bites of Ahmad Bradshaw when they need a snack between meals.
-Chris Snee is cheating on Tom Coughlin’s daughter with Tom Coughlin’s wife and the whole family is secretly dating Jeremy Shockey

If you are one of those contemptible “fans” of the Giants you might want to check out Roger Director’s upcoming book I Dream In Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants. It offers a unique look at the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family, and career. If you have an unhealthy love of the Giants you’re bound to commiserate with Director as he follows the team throughout the tortuous and occasional tragic 2006 season. And as a Redskins fan I have a whole new book full of reasons to hate those blue-clad ass-clowns. It’s easily the second best thing Director has written; he’s also responsible “The Client’s Best Interest” which was one of the truly great episodes of Arli$$.

Robert Wuhl is a national treasure and fuck you for saying otherwise!

Relatively Rapid Retrospective Realities Regarding The Vikes:

-When the Detroit Lions visited the Vikes on October 11, 1964, it was the first (and only) instance where both teams took the field wearing white jerseys. The game started as scheduled and continued until the Vikes changed into their purple jerseys on the sideline in time for the second quarter. The Vikes not only lost the game, but then had to run a warm load of laundry AND a cold load that night.

-Also in 1964, Ohio State alumnus and NFL Hall of Famer Jim Marshall ran a fumble recovery 66 yards into his own end zone for a safety. This lapse in football awesomeness has largely overshadowed the fact that Marshall started at defensive end in 282 consecutive games. That consecutive games started mark still stands as the NFL record (Brett Lorenzo Favre only has 237. What a pussy).

-Distinguished Badass-in-Multiple-Walks-Of-Life Alan Page is one of seven Vikes–along with Marshall, four other players, a coach and a GM–to be enshrined in Canton. Page went on to earn his law degree from the University of Minnesota in 1978, the same year he was cut by the Vikes, in part because their front office believed that Page’s hobby of distance running caused him to lose too much weight to be effective on the field. He was almost immediately signed by the rival Chicago Bears and played four more years in the League with that team. Page now sits as an Associate Justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court, and may be the only player in NFL history to sit through more court appearances than Chris Henry.

-Finland native/offensive lineman/taxi squad member Seppo Evwaraye was signed by the Panthers last year , but was unable to play because the processing fee for his work visa was $5 too light. He played in NFL-E this past spring, and is noted for his 40 time (< 5.0s) and his two brothers, both of whom play for the Finnish national team. He has two goldfish, Megatron and Steve.

-The Vikings made a complete uniform overhaul in 2006, including this massive transformation of their helmets (image courtesy: Wikipedia)

Holy shit, dude. They ruined it. It was so much more awesome the old way.

Projected 2007 Record: 7-9, 2nd place, NFC North (because it sucks)

Actual 2007 Record: 3-13, T-3rd place, NFC North, (because they suck)

Star-Trib Writer Michael Rand, who also does the blog RandBall, really, really likes his team’s chances this fall:

Oh, it’s going to be ugly. They don’t have a No. 1 receiver. The might not have a No. 2 receiver. They don’t have a QB who is even remotely proven. They don’t have a pass-catching tight end. They do have two decent running backs.

The defense is a year older and missing the star coordinator from a year ago. They still do stupid shit off the field (see Cedric Griffin’s Pants-off Dance-off), and the head coach has the trust and confidence of about 12 percent of the fan base, at best.

They open with four fairly winnable games, which should put them at 2-2 into the bye. The four coming out of the bye (at Chicago, at Dallas, Philly, San Diego) will rip them apart. From there, it will be an all too familiar shame spiral.

One time I heard this story about how this one guy was farming hookers from Minnesota and he met up with these two girls, and they were like really hot and shit. Then he goes, “Hey, let’s go to Dallas.” And these dumb bitches were like, “Okay!” Bad move, sisters. So anyway, dude drives ‘em down and they they get there, and he’s all, “Looks like we’re outta gas. Guess you bitches are gonna have to sell that pussy so we can get home.” Just like that, man. They were insta-huers. Seriously, dude. It was in Rolling Stone. When the Vikings rented out those boats two years ago and tried to fuck everybody, I bet that’s what they were up to. That was two years ago, right?

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
-Fullback Madison Hedgecock moonlights as the newest star in the asstraffic.com stable.
-When Pacman Jones’ suspension was handed down, defensive end Leonard Little had a good, hearty laugh. Then he got drunk, hopped in his car, and took out a retiree crossing the street.
-Seriously, fuck Leonard Little.
-Guard Richie Incognito’s Nebraska education makes him oblivious to any and all jokes made about his last name.
-When dining out, head coach Scott Linehan will always order the strangest thing on the menu, only to immediately regret his adventurousness. Linehan has regurgitated such items as turtle blood soup, braised tripe, elephant sweetbreads, cured pig jowl, and a fritto misto with ox asshole.

Projected 2007 Record:
8-8, T-1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
7-9, T-1st in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Marc Bulger!

During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Rams, it’s starting quarterback and West Fucking Virginia’s own Marc Bulger.

Big Daddy Drew: Marc, thanks for taking time to sit down with us.
Marc Bulger: No problem.

Drew: Last year, I made the finals of my fantasy league. I’d never even made the playoffs before, so I was pretty psyched. The team I went up against had both you and Stephen Jackson. You threw 4 TD’s, while Jackson had over 250 combined yards and scored 2 TD’s. This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to tell you: Watch your back. Okay? Because I’ll be watching yours. Comprende?
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: That goes for your family as well. Protect them. Sometimes I black out, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens when “Mr. Stick” takes over.
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: You spell your name Marc with a “c”, which is the French way of spelling it. Is being sacked something you’re just naturally good at, or is it more of a learned skill?
Bulger: Our line is better this year.

Drew: When they make a live-action “Shrek” film, will Orlando Pace be tapped to star?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: Mike Rumph is on your roster. How much pressure do you feel to score 60 points every game?
Bulger: We have a good defense.

Drew: You took over starting QB duties from Kurt Warner. When Brenda Warner leaves you threatening voicemails, is it scary, or just sort of humorous?
Bulger: Brenda is a very nice person.

Drew: I’m sure that’s true during the day. I’m talking about during a full moon. You know. During the Feasting Hour.
Bulger: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The Rams signed Drew Bennett in the offseason. How do you feel about the team’s stance against performing physicals on free agents? Is this some sort of Christian Scientist policy?
Bulger: Drew had a physical and is healthy.

Drew: You went to West Virginia. I have a question about wine pairings. What moonshine goes well with grilled nutria? I was thinking a ’79 Jimbob Reserve.
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: You’re originally from Pennsylvania. Do you enjoy breathing out of your mouth as much as everyone else from that state does?
Bulger: I’m proud to be from Pennsylvania.

Drew: I’m sure you are. Brock Berlin is on the Rams roster. Why?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: The Rams signed Randy McMichael during the offseason. What has McMichael taught you about punching pregnant women?
Bulger: Randy’s great.

Drew: Your team goal this year is to win the NFC West. Isn’t winning the NFC West kind of like being handed a free Frisbee at a radio festival?
Bulger: It’s a hard division.

Drew: You recently signed a contract extension with $27 million in guaranteed money. Do you ever resent the fact that you’re rich and single but forced to live in St. Louis?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Seriously? I’ve seen chicks from that town. They all wear stirrup pants and have boobs you could hide a box of paper clips under.
Bulger: I’m happy in St. Louis.

Drew: Offensive tackle Todd Steussie is an alleged steroid user. And offensive tackle Alex Barron went to Florida State. Is this the most rape-savvy offensive line in football?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Safety Corey Chavous is known around the league as a savvy draftnik and personnel evaluator. But if that’s the case, why hasn’t Chavous recommended that the Rams release Corey Chavous yet?
Bulger: Corey is still good.

Drew: Rams owner Georgia Frontiere strikes me as the kind of old broad who starts drinking gin at 10AM in the morning, then tries to bang the pool boy around noon, only to become a sobbing wreck when he rebuffs her advances. Agreed?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Is it true that Frontiere played the evil sister in “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane”?
Bulger: That was Bette Davis.

Drew: Is it true she starred as Blanche in a stage production “A Streetcar Named Desire” and begged the actor playing Stanley to actually rape her?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Do you ever think to yourself at night, “Whew! Thank God we’re in the NFC. At least we have a fighting chance.”?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Doesn’t 1999 seem really, really, really far away to you?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Bulger: No.

Drew: What if I flashed you a little leg? See this milky white inner thigh? It could be all yours.
Bulger: No.

Drew: Marc, thanks for your time.
Bulger: My pleasure.

Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:

- Now that Kevin Federline’s career has ceased to be even a publicly acknowledged farce and thus is rightly suppressed into the canon of embarassing cultural ephemera that can only be discussed between sighs in hushed tones, no. 1 fan Carson Palmer has forsworn music altogether. At least once he gets tired of the new Linkin Park album.
-TJ Houshmazood should still be your first overall fantasy pick, especially if your name is Sarah Schorno.
-With the Steelers’ hiring of Mike Tomlin in the offseason, Marvin Lewis risks no longer being the most successful black coach in the AFC North. But at least he won’t be the fat one.
-Rudi Johnson’s entire given name is Burudi, which doesn’t sound anything like Burundi. At all. A good thing, as Burundi is filled with giant crocodiles that can fuck up tigers.
-Because he’s a Bengal, and partially for show, Chris Henry always remembers to finish off pummeling 16 year olds with a Tiger Uppercut.

Projected 2007 Record: 13-3, 2nd seed in the AFC, first round bye

Actual 2007 Record: 8-8, 3rd in AFC North, miss playoffs

Having the Bengals be the face of unruly behavior and lawlessness is, though undeniably always a treat to this Steelers fan, growing ever more tiresome. What’s worse: all the jokes have been mined. And far from just old, it’s somewhat unfair. As Cincy fans are quick to point out, such behavior is hardly exclusive to them. But most within the media or the blogosphere would have you believe a league without the Bengals would be as such:

I mean, it didn’t look like any of them were even thinking about raping that girl. Certainly not the guy who looked kind of skeeved out about getting touched by a – hyuh – girl.

My suggestion to you, Bengals, is to return to being abjectly terrible and never look back. Don’t underachieve. Don’t even achieve at all. You were so adroit at being pathetic for so long that I think the throes of withdrawal that came with modest success caused a dark night of the soul and a drunk driving of the soul and an aggravated assault of the soul. The soul’s got a long rap sheet, is what I’m saying.

The beauty of my plan is that you don’t even have to give up Chad Johnson or Houshmandzadeh. It can be just like old times, with that familiar Carl Pickens/Darnay Scott tandem. Sure, Carson may have to throw a few more frustrating picks to resemble Jeff Blake, but I think he’ll find that it will come naturally after not too long.

I’ll understand if you don’t agree. Those plaintive, longing Ryan Parker songs make agonizing losses fucking beautiful, man.

image courtesy of fark.com

Sadly, that boy, dear readers, was the smartest boy
in all of Jacksonville Proper.

Five fast facts:

1. The Jags often seem torn between Byron Leftwich and David Garrard. The unpleasant reality: they both suck big time.

2. Travel tip: Jacksonville Landing is a red-neckier version of the Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Upscale alfresco dining on Styrofoam plates, yee-fucking-haw. If you go, stay in Ponte Vedra or St. Augustine and drive up. Seriously.

3. Matt Jones is fantasy kryptonite for starry-eyed white boys. Be strong. Avoid him.

4. MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass.

5. With Mike Rumph apparently out of the game, KSK is hoping for a break-out season from Jamaal Fudge.

Projected 2007 record: 8-8

Actual 2007 record: 8-8

Between the shitty AFC South and playing the AFC West teams out of division this season, there are a lot of beatable teams on the Jags’ schedule. If end Reggie Heyward can return to the form he had two seasons ago and Mr. MoJo Risin’ continues to run all over defenses, the Jags should continue to hover around .500. But meaningful playoff success for this version of the Jags is over.

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper, then the Jags fans might have something to cheer about this season. Otherwise, one of the few things that might bear watching this is coach Jack Del Rio’s sartorial showcase. But I doubt that legions of Jags fans clad in Limp Bizkit and WWE t-shirts will be overwhelmed with the cut of the coach’s suit. If you want to impress people in Florida with a suit it should be covered in rhinestones or be full of spy gadgets like Jackie Chan’s tuxedo in that one movie. I can’t remember the name of that flick, but I think it was called Jennifer Love Hewitt: Still Not Topless.

Last week, left tackle Khalif Barnes received six months probation stemming from his DUI arrest last year. This silver-tongued, smooth talker thought he could charm his way out of a night in the cooler by coyly calling the police officer: “A white KKK devil.” Oh, K-Bar, you little minx. In case you missed it a while back when MDS had it at the Fanhouse, here is the police video of the arrest.

I thought the phrase “colored people” was deemed passé over a generation ago. Is Barnes trying to bring “colored people” back? Should I wait to see if Will Smith says it first? Then we will know it is okay for white folks to say it too. Drunk or not, Barnes still exhibits flashes of lucidity in this video, particularly when he refers to Jacksonville as a “hick town.” In vino veritas, motherfuckers.

Five Fast Facts About the Buccaneers:

- Cadillac Williams’s real name, Carnell, is Spanish for “meat.”
- According to Wikipedia, kicker Matt Bryant went undrafted and had such low-end jobs as working in a pawn shop and playing for the Frankfurt Galaxy.
- Coach Jon Gruden was narrowly defeated by Lindsay Lohan at FreckleFest ’07 this past spring.
- Owner Malcolm Glazer should not be confused with author Malcom Gladwell. Key differences: Glazer owns EPL team Manchester United; Gladwell is a published author who thinks writing a running diary is hard.
- This offseason, the Bucs signed alleged date rapist, drunk driver, dirty player, and Super Bowl goat Jerramy Stevens. Good luck with that one. Lemme know how it goes.

Projected 2007 Record:
0-16, last in NFC South

Actual 2007 Record:
2-14, last in NFC South

Three Longer Notes About the Buccaneers:

1. The Bucs quarterback depth chart, in no particular order, looks like this: Chris Simms, Jeff Garcia, Jake Plummer, Luke McCown, and Bruce Gradkowski. At one time or another all have been called gay for reasons other than being a quarterback. To wit:

- Simms has his boyfriend’s initials tattooed on his leg. Pretty gay. However, he’s an exceptionally tough gay man, as he completed a game against the Panthers last year despite having his spleen destroyed and subsequently removed. So he’s a tough, gay, crappy quarterback — or, as I like to say, a tough Eli Manning.

- Garcia was famously accused of being gay by Terrell Owens after their relationship in San Francisco soured. Garcia has since married a Playmate of the Year who went to court for fighting with another woman over him, but still: what a fruit. If we can’t take T.O. at his word, really, who can we trust?

- Jake Plummer chose retirement over playing for the Bucs. This happened for one of two reasons: (a) the shame of fighting Chris Simms and Jeff Garcia for a starting position was too great to bear, or (b) he was terrified of being responsible for more than just handing off the ball to whichever cog of the Running Back Industrial Complex was Mike Shanahan’s flavor of the month. Anyway, Plummer married a Broncos cheerleader, so he’s gay too.

- Luke McCown is a McCown.

- Gradkowski is named Bruce. Everyone knows that’s one of the names the gays took, just like Lance and Julian.

2. Bucs supporters are the only fans who can look at their team’s logo and say, “Well, at least the pirate ship is less gay than the last logo.” As you certainly know, before adopting the pewter and red color scheme, Tampa’s team color was — and I think this is the official term — creamsicle. With that came this logo:

That’s “Bucco Bruce.” He has a big feather in his hat, an exquisitely manicured mustache, a hoop earring, and I’m pretty sure he’s winking me. Even the surviving Village People think he should have been a little more subtle.

3. The Bucs mascot is Captain Fear. His web page says that his hobbies are “Surfing, Jet Skiing, Sword Tricks, and Attending Birthday Parties,” which is what I’ve always looked for in a life partner. However, I found this unauthorized history of him somewhat more entertaining:

Captain Fear used to sail around the Caribbean, drinking rum, eating meat and chocolate, and looking for those makeshift rafts that the Cubans make so that he could smash them. He had a crew of some of the biggest baddest toughest guys you’ve ever seen, as well as a bunch of hot bitches to keep them company. They were known throughout the area as the Buccaneers.

One night, while sailing around near Florida, probably dolphin hunting or doing something equally sweet, they got caught in a storm. Or maybe there was no storm and it was just good old fashioned drunk driving. Well, whatever the reason, Captain Fear and his ship ran aground on the beach in Tampa Bay. It just so happens that they crashed into a football stadium which was both sweet and convenient. There were some losers there who were trying to play football. They might have been ninjas, but nobody knows (ninjas suck at football). Anyway, they challenged the Buccaneers to a football game and were completely OWNED by the Bucs football skills.

After that, the Bucs took over the stadium and pimped it out with pirate flags and cannons and stuff and began calling it home. All their hot pirate chicks became their cheerleaders and they had some jolly good times. Captain Fear went kinda nuts and he can usually be seen running around the stadium between plays and during halftime beating up kids and shitting on the sideline and just partaking in all kinds of mischief. The people of Tampa never really minded too much because they like to watch the Bucs kick ass every Sunday.

In retrospect, those three paragraphs should have been the entire season preview.

Five Fast Facts About The Browns:

-Braylon Edwards’ AOL away message permanently set to “knot livin up to expeKtationz! LOLLERCOPTERZ!”
-Kellen Winslow Jr., like all true soldiers, is a big King of Queens fan. Hopefully he’ll get the military discount when he sees Kevin James in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” on opening day.
-Now that Jamal Lewis has left Baltimore, he’s given up distributing cocaine, only because Cleveland citizens prefer to have their bleak existence straight up.
-Ted Washington still upset he didn’t receive Unicron role in new Transformers movie. Unicron upset that it takes him years to float from one end of Ted Washington’s gut to the other.
-If head coach Romeo Crennel doesn’t work out, there are still at least two Battletoads left.

Projected 2007 Record:

5-11, 4th in AFC North

Actual 2007 Record:

6-10, 4th in AFC North (such overachievers)

Wizznutzz explained much about the small hamlet the Browns call home in its whimsical telling of the family fable of Shitsy Spitsy. Cleveland is a dour place, they said,”passed over by travelers and passed over by history.”

It is also an austere place, with its homely Harvey Pekars, Drew Careys and Harlan Ellisons. How happy these humble toilers must have been when Brady Quinn was wished into existence by an 8-year-old gay boy named Shannon and swept into town on a prismatic beam of light and Joe Thomas’ fishing boat.

If you’re a regular reader of this of any other sports blog, you’re more than aware of the swishifying exploits of a certain former Notre Dame quarterback who stole our hearts with his grabasstic and grabballstic ways. Rather than expound further upon such photos – there’s bound to be another in a few days hours – we’d like to show Brady what’s in store for him, y’know, other than galleries of photos of him posing buoyantly in compromising positions. Because, after all, the Village People costumes will all be well and good until Week 7, when the Browns, then 1-5, turn around in the shower and hand the reins to Brady Quinn.

Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
-Of the 276 reported murders in Baltimore City last year, only 273 were committed by Ray Lewis. He said God was responsible for the other three.
-The team brought in running back Willis McGahee not to give the offense a fresh pair of legs, but to restore the roughly 300,000 people the city has lost in the last 50 years through his hordes of illegitimate children.
-Quarterback Steve McNair was totally not to blame for the eventually dropped DUI charge he incurred over the off-season. That interception in the endzone in the playoffs against the Colts? Still kinda his fault.
-Raven Symone to fill in ably and fattily for Jonathan Ogden this season when he again contemplates retirement.
-Samari Rolle just a subpar sushi dish with a lot of Old Bay seasoning.

Projected 2007 Record:
0-16, 4th in AFC North.

Actual 2007 Record:
0-38, banished from league, America.
(…okay) 10-6, 2nd in AFC North.

Ways in which the Justice Department would change if tomorrow Brian Billick took over for Alberto Gonzales:

1. More running directly up the gut on first, second, and not infrequently, third down.
2. Patriot Act mostly unchanged, but somehow more pompous sounding.
3. Attorney General remains about as douchey, but with less hair.
4. There are no more differences.

Occasions in which purple camouflage pants are not gay:

1. Never.
2. Ever.
3. Andre 3000 wears them.

Players for whom white Ravens fans cheer:

1. Todd Heap.
2. Todd Heap.
3. McNulty.
4. Todd Heap (after Matt Stover kicks a field goal).

Wedding Crashers incorrectly claimed that Maryland was all about “crab cakes and football.” What is Maryland actually about?

1. Crab cakes and lacrosse.
2. Liberal politics.
3. Not being able to buy liquor anywhere.
4. Johnny Unitas — just kidding, he’s always been an Indianapolis Colt.

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals:
-Wideout Larry Fitzgerald makes a mock apple pie with Ritz Crackers that will make your head swoon.
-Running back Edgerrin James is famous for lifting weights late at night and bringing in crackheads off the street to spot for him. This is a smart move, because a crackhead can easily lift over seven times his body weight for some crack.
-Quarterback Matt Leinart is best friends with Nick Lachey. The two share much in common, including the fact that their best days are far behind them.
-The Cardinals new stadium was nearly named after the Mexican restaurant chain Pink Taco. But those plans were scrapped after restaurant executives realized that it was the Seahawks home stadium that looked more like a gaping vaginal canal.
-Tight End Leonard Pope has a Popemobile of his own. Like the real Popemobile, it features bulletproof glass. Unlike the real Popemobile, it also features a Bose surround system and a plastic vagina that plugs into the cigarette lighter.

Projected 2007 Record:
10-6, 1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
8-8, 3rd in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Bryant Johnson!

During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Cardinals, it’s third wide receiver and potentially annoying fantasy TD vulture Bryant Johnson.

Big Daddy Drew: Thanks for sitting down with us, Bryant.
Bryant Johnson: No problem.

Drew: The Super Bowl is being held in Arizona this year. Can I sit with you?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Did you know the Cards are Will Leitch’s favorite team, and by “favorite”, I mean “least indifferent towards”?
Johnson: No.

Big Daddy Drew: Is the T on the end of your name silent? Because I barely bother to pronounce it anyway.
Bryant Johnson: No. It’s Bryant.

Big Daddy Drew: Seriously though, it’s just Bryan with a vestigial T on the end. It could be a D and it still wouldn’t matter.
Bryant Johnson: It’s Bryant.

Drew: Matt Leinart once nailed Paris Hilton. Do you keep Purell in your locker? You should.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Does it concern you at all that Matt Leinart doesn’t even have a better physique than Steve fucking Nash in this photo?

Johnson: No.

Drew: Are you sure? I haven’t seen a chest that small since Debra Messing.
Johnson: Matt will be great.

Drew: Where does Leinart hide when Brynn Cameron’s process server show up? Is there a crawlspace in the locker room that he favors?
Johnson: I don’t know.

Drew: Your center’s name is Nick Leckey. Are we really to think it mere coincidence that the team hired a guy with a name two letters away from Nick Lachey to bend over in front of Matt on a daily basis?
Johnson: It’s a coincidence.

Drew: Your new coach, Ken Whisenhunt, has been called a Bill Cowher clone. Does Whisenhunt also pretend to like girl’s basketball because he’s stuck with two daughters who play it?
Johnson: No.

Drew: I heard a rumor that Whisenhunt was only able to convince Russ Grimm to join his staff by pointing out Arizona on a map and showing him that it wasn’t across the Pacific Ocean. True?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your college coach, Joe Paterno, is making his players clean the stadium after all home games this year. Are you terrified this will give Bill Bidwill potential cost-saving ideas?
Johnson: Yes.

Drew: You play the z-slot. I heard Anquan Boldin is quite good at playing the v-slot, if you know what I mean.
Johnson: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The team’s 4th receiver is Michael Spurlock. How did he get into such great shape after eating all that McDonald’s shit?
Johnson: That was Morgan Spurlock.

Drew: Whatever. I think he totally was playing to the cameras in that movie anyway. What a douche. Any cum-stained garments in Chris Liwienski’s locker?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Is Marcel Shipp a painter? That’s a total painter name.
Johnson: No.

Drew: A mime?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your coach last season was Denny Green. I remember one of Green’s favorite sayings was, “Plan your work, and work your plan.” What other worthless, empty sayings did that fat fuck bestow upon you?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Coach Green enjoyed fishing quite a bit. Do you think Coach Green missed precious time to prepare for games while being cut out of his waders every morning?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Does Edgerrin James happen to enjoy the delicious, all-artificial flavor of Koolaid?
Johnson: I dunno.

Drew: Would you tell Keith Poole to go fuck himself for me? To go fuck himself hard and raw?
Johnson: Who’s that?

Drew: Never mind. Would you consider kissing me?
Johnson: No.

Drew: C’mon. I live at home and shit on towels. This would give me a little excitement for once.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Bryant, thanks for your time. Good luck this year.
Johnson: My pleasure.