Five Fast Facts About The Patriots:

-Head coach Bill Belichick has earned two separate doctorates in MILF hunting.
-Rookie safety and expert marksman Brandon Meriweather sometimes goes by the name “The Hit Stick,” which is the exact same nickname I use for my own cock.
-Defensive Lineman Le Kevin Smith’s first name is French for, “The Kevin”, which is a nickname used by 75% of all New England males.
-Wideout Randy Moss once famously said, “I play when I want to play.” What few people know is that the quote is incomplete. The full text of Moss’ quote was, “I play when I want to play. And man, I fucking never want to play this stupid game again.”
-Wes Welker’s jersey will become a fan favorite and have the #2 selling Patriots jersey by year’s end. And you know why? Because Patriot fans are fucking racist.

Projected 2007 Record:
15-1, Super Bowl champions.

Actual 2007 Record:
13-3, Loss to Colts in AFC Title Game. Bill Simmons stomps around his playroom and yells, “Let us know when you get to three rings.” What a douche.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Dan Koppen

Nothing I can do can really top 289’s Photoshop work above. Nonetheless, I’m wrapping up my portion of our 2007 NFL Preview by “chatting” with Patriots center, official ginger kid, and apparent douchemagnet Dan Koppen.

Big Daddy Drew: Dan, thanks for sitting down with us.
Dan Koppen: No problem.

Drew: As a center, you get to bend over in front of Tom Brady regularly. Does Peter King ever try and steal your practice jersey?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Does Brady ever bring Gisele Bundchen into the locker room? Because, if the film “Buttman Goes To Rio 12” is any indication, Brazilian girls are not averse to taking on 30, even 40 dicks at a time. It’s like a churrascaria of cock.
Koppen: He’s never brought her around.

Drew: Brady wore a Yankees cap in the offseason. Don’t you think he did that on purpose? If I had to play for a bunch of fuckface Boston fans, I’d wear a Yankee cap on the goddamn sideline.
Koppen: I think he wore it innocently.

Drew: Brady’s ex-girlfriend recently had a son. Brady was on hand for the birth. Do you ever catch him humming “Broken Box” by Queens of the Stone Age to himself?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Do Junior Seau and George Hamilton share the same bronzer?
Koppen: No.

Drew: The Patriots cut Reche Caldwell recently. Is it fair to say Caldwell saw it coming?
Koppen: Maybe.

Drew: Laurence Maroney has gone on record as saying he has never heard of construda. How much money could you win from Maroney playing poker? I bet you could clean his ass out.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: For real, that guy is a fucking blatant liar. Does this photo look Photoshopped to you?
Koppen: Yes. A big Kool Aid guy was photoshopped in.

Drew: No, the necklace, motherfucker! I’m talking about the necklace!
Koppen: I have no clue.

Drew: Adalius Thomas was signed in the offseason from Baltimore. Thomas has been hailed as a highly versatile player. Do you think Bill Belichick plans on playing him at multiple positions, then cutting his salary every year as a sign of gratitude?
Koppen: I don’t think so.

Drew: Rodney Harrison was busted for using HGH recently. Shouldn’t you guys have noticed that? I heard Harrison’s chin strap was six feet long.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: Do you think Bill Belichick is so secretive because he hopes no one will notice the seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium?
Koppen: There is no seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium.

Drew: I heard the reason Tedy Bruschi had his stroke is because he took enough HGH to be featured on frozen vegetable packets.
Koppen: That is NOT true.

Drew: Randall Gay’s last name is Gay. Isn’t that hysterical?
Koppen: No.

Drew: My buddy “The Kevin” up in Ipswich has gotten some serious mileage out of that name.
Koppen: Good for him.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: You’re from Iowa. How about giving me the ol’ “sweaty corncob”?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: Dan, thanks for talking to us.
Koppen: You bet.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Red-headed long-snapper Ethan Albright is known around the locker room as “Red Snapper” because of his stanky vagina.

Albright’s head weighs more than Marcus Mason.

Dan Snyder keeps hiring away the most expensive Scientology coaches but he can’t get past OT II.

Chief Zee is immortal, he just doesn’t know it yet.

Jason Campbell and Chris Cooley have appeared in over three hundred adult features under the pen(is) names Herb Organ and Jim Holeman respectively. Neither is affiliated with the car dealers of similar names.

Mark Brunell got the Redskins playbook on audio tape, but it was narrated by Gilbert Godfried so he just said “fuck it.”

Dan Snyder is training a team of assassins to take out Steve Czaban once and for all. I didn’t want to get involved, but it’s so hard to find good hash in DC.

When Ade Jimoh gets cut an angel gets its wings.

H.B. Blades is the son of Bennie Blades who won his name in a card game from a triple amputee.

Clinton Portis’ new character, “Goosey McTaint” is a registered sex offender and a snuggly lover.

Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry spent the summer winning the WWF’s (World Wildlife Foundation) tag team titles after dispatching of a pair of adolescent kodiak bears.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

-Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is often forced to give piggyback rides to Chinese tourists who confuse his first name with an advertisement for personal transport.
-Multi-purpose threat Brad Smith will be expected to perform many duties during the season: throwing passes, running the ball, catching the ball, returning kicks, and becoming as overrated as Antwaan Randle El.
-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.
-Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is the lesbian lovechild of Velma Dinkley and Wilma Flintstone.
-Andre Wadsworth’s comeback bid with the Jets will come to a tragic end when he accidentally manages to gouge out his right eye with a washcloth.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kerry Rhodes!

During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Jets, it’s strong safety, Louisville grad, and flubby wet dream subject Kerry Rhodes.

Big Daddy Drew: Kerry, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kerry Rhodes: My pleasure.

Drew: You were ranked a stunning 29th on Peter King’s list of the 500 best NFL players, ahead of Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Bart Scott, and many others. What did you do for King for such favorable placement? Were anal beads involved?
Rhodes: I didn’t do anything.

Drew: Nosetackle Dwayne Robertson was once called, “Baby Sapp”. Was this because he too could swallow a rotisserie chicken whole?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I don’t think of Robertson as a bust, so much as a gigantic, flaming dirigible explosion. Agreed?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Many QB’s have to wear red jerseys in practice. Since Kimo von Oelhoffen is on your team, are they required to wear red pants, socks, and shoes as well?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Jets fans are known for their creative, and often intricate chants. Do you think the chant, “J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!” is easily understood by the common man? Or is it too clever by half?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: If Chad Pennington were to make whipped cream by hand, would his arm fall off completely, or would it just kinda hang there?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: Did you know The Big Lead is gay for Thomas Jones?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I’d tell Thomas to keep away. Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.
Rhodes: Okay.

Drew: Laveranues Coles was abused by his stepfather at a young age. And I think he was pretty brave to come out and admit in public. Why do you think so many other athletes are unwilling to speak out the way Coles has?
Rhodes: What?

Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?
Rhodes: No. That would be horrible.

Drew: I heard Mangini is so discreet about injuries that he didn’t bury his own grandfather when he died, and that he currently keeps him in an armoire in his basement. True?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Marques Tuiasosopo: do you really need him?
Rhodes: Yes.

Drew: Will you consider kissing me?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Come on, man! A Jet who doesn’t want to kiss people? That’s crap.
Rhodes: Tough

Drew: Kerry, thanks again.
Rhodes: You’re very welcome.

• Donovan McNabb was super pissed when he opened the media guide and saw that Kevin Kolb’s middle name is Kyle.
• Not to be outdone, Andy Reid’s kids have begun staging Persian cat fights in their drained jacuzzi.
• Jevon Kearse and Correll Buckhalter share a single pair of knees.
• Jeremiah Trotter says he’s just 30 years-old but dendrochronologists insist that he’s at least 52.
• Sean Considine looks like he’d enjoy a ham sandwich on Wonder Bread slathered in Miracle Whip washed down with a tall glass of milk.
• Chunky Soup is made out of the McNabb family’s collective excreta.
• Philly’s backup tight ends form the city’s nineteenth most popular barbershop quartet–George Harrison’s ghost finds them derivative.
• Chris Berman has spent several sleepless nights debating the pros and cons of various nicknames for Chris Gocong–each is more insufferable than the last.
• Max Jean-Gilles is pregnant with triplets.
• Jean-Gilles tried to eat Uga VI on two non-consecutive occasions–poor guy’s still scared to leave his house.
• Dedrick Roper refuses to answer all questions relating to Three’s Company.

And now–because I’ve run out of shit to talk about–here’s a video of rather raucous tailgate featuring every Eagle fan you’ve ever met. It should keep hold your attention for precisely 64 seconds (much like the rest of this post!).

Don’t worry folks, the season’s almost here.

P.S. Fuck Da Eagles

Five Fast Facts About The Bills:

-Head coach Dick Jauron is still recovering from half of his face melting after opening the Ark of the Covenant.
-Rookie running back Marshawn Lynch is attempting to fill the shoes of recent Bills RBs Willis McGahee and Travis Henry by impregnating eight women, two does, and a baby sea cow.
-Team President Marv Levy has a lifelong endorsement contract with D. Lucky Lindy’s All-Purpose Hair Gel. “You’ll never fly solo again!”
-Tight end Robert Royal couldn’t catch a fucking O Ball.
-We reiterate that running back Shaud Williams is not a fan of Bruno:

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kyle Williams!

During our 2007 NFL Preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Bills, it’s defensive tackle and jolly looking fellow Kyle Williams.

Big Daddy Drew: Kyle, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kyle Williams: Sure. No problem.

Drew: You sort of look like Tobey Maguire on the days he takes his depression meds. You ever get that?
Williams: No.

Drew: You went to LSU. Earlier this year, LSU women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman was fired for having affairs with her players. I saw the movie “Chasing Amy” once, and the annoying bitch who always cried in that flick said lesbians make love by fisting one another. My question is, when you bounce an LSU practice ball, does it stick to the court?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Buffalo fans are famed for attending games shirtless. Is it fun to know that, when you take the field, you’re gonna see lots of tits, both male and female?
Williams: I don’t look into the stands.

Drew: The Bills have one of the more tortured fanbases in the league. Did Marv Levy hire Dick Jauron just to twist the knife a little bit more?
Williams: Coach Jauron is a good coach.

Drew: I heard Paul Posluszny is so dumb that if you staple a tail to his pants he chases it. True?
Williams: No.

Drew: The Bills traded Willis McGahee in the offseason. How has McGahee’s departure affected the area’s Planned Parenthood clinics? I heard many of them had to be shuttered.
Williams: I don’t know.

Drew: Does Roscoe Parrish own a last basset hound named Flash?
Williams: No.

Drew: Linebacker Coy Wire has a bitchin’ name. If I were him, after every tackle, I’d jump up and shout, “’CAUSE I’M ALIVE!!!!! A LIVE WI-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Wouldn’t you?
Williams: No.

Drew: Larry Triplett: fat lineman, or fattest lineman?
Williams: Fat lineman.

Drew: Quarterback JP Losman has a reputation for being somewhat cocky. But isn’t that somewhat earned on his part? I think he’s fucking dreamy. And so does most of the gay population in Buffalo. I think they like his unkempt hair and free-loving spirit. Don’t you?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Shouldn’t Peerless Price really be named Peer Price?
Williams: Peerless is damn good.

Drew: Offensive line coach Jim McNally terrifies me. Look at this picture.

Does McNally ever wear a hooded cloak and start saying shit like, “It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!”?
Williams: No.

Drew: Kyle, thanks for your time.
Williams: You’re welcome.

BONUS: 289 provides this stunning video of Marshawn Lynch’s philosophical viewpoints. Kudos to you, 289. You are solid. And it don’t get no better than solid.

An arbitrary number of fast facts about the Houston Texans:

• Amobi Okoye’s cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians that I have ever seen in a life form.

• Mario Williams: still a dumb pick.

• For reasons that he can’t discuss, Matt Schaub will soon being changing his name to Matt Thompson and entering the witness relocation program.

• Keenan McCardell returned home to Houston for his 16th NFL season to back up Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones (who is not, as his name implies, a haberdasher). McCardell has over 10,000 career receiving yards and 62 touchdowns. Accordingly, we expect members of the Art Monk Yakuza to support McCardell’s Hall of Fame candidacy once he retires.

Will Amobi Okoye continue to tea-bag running backs as
he moves up to the next level? Hells yes, son.

• The Texans devoted much of their offseason to strengthening their shitty, shitty pass defense. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, they hope to improve to merely ’shitty’ this season.

• The backfield committee of Ahman Green, Samkon Gado and Wali Lundy will insure continued brisk sales of Earl Campbell throwback jerseys.

• Gary Kubiak has come a long way since his days of terrorizing Parker Lewis and the rest of Santo Domingo High. [Update: I may have him confused Larry "Kube" Kubiac, sorry.]

Seriously, what’s more fun: carrying a clip board for John Elway,
or whalin’ on some nerds?

The Texans have been the punchline to the league’s non-Browns related jokes about futility for years now. But with Schaub in control of the offense, we think this is the season they begin their transformation from laughingstock to respecting stock. Even if they don’t, Texan fans can at least celebrate finally being rid of David Carr…

Projected Record: 8-8
Actual Record: 8-8
Herm’s Favorite Time to Run Larry Johnson: Third and 8

An Arbitrary Number of Fast Facts on the Chiefs

-There are two Kansas City’s–I think the Chiefs play in the crappy one.
-Brodie Croyle was a cool name in fifth grade.
-Herm Edwards doesn’t like being called Herman. On a more interesting note, the nation’s first television advertisement for condoms aired during an episode of Herman’s Head. That night the show received thousands of complaints–non of which had anything to do with condoms.
-Priest Holmes just criticized his spinal column for holding out.
-Claude Maurice McGee goes by the nickname “Turk” because all of his real names are kinda fey.
-Kyle Turley is half C.H.U.D. and half Morlock.
-Jason Dunn is really two and half midgets.
-Even though he’s 6′3″ Napoleon Harris has been known to wear lifts.
-Jay Z is worried that Larry Johnson is trying to fuck Beyonce.
-Beyonce is terrified that Larry Johnson is already fucking Jay Z.

If you know one thing about these Kansas City Chiefs it’s that Gunther Cunningham doesn’t take lip, he gives lip!

If you’ve been watching their training camp unfold on HBO’s Hard Knocks (not me!) you know that Gunther isn’t just a crotchety old man, he’s nuttier than Chloë Sevigny’s mouth.

Three Quick Thoughts:
-I’m not footballologist but I’m pretty sure those guys need their hands.
-I’d pay good money to watch Gunther try to wrap his feeble old-guy hands around DeMarcus Tyler’s ginormous head stalk
-It should come as no surprise that Gunther was born in Munich shortly after the fall of the Third Reich.

If you are a fan of the Chiefs I offer my humble apologies for the things you’ve read here and all of the misery you’re bound to endure this season.

Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
-New quarterback Trent Green only pays $6 when he goes to the movies.
-New head coach Cam Cameron runs with a childhood gang named The Alliterates that includes buddies Jack Jackson, Tom Tomeranski, Dick Dickie, Hank Hankower, and Spanky Assspanker.
-Many people know that former Dolphin kicker Ray Finkle decided to become a woman. But what they don’t know is that kicking mascot Snowflake also decided to become a woman. Snowflake was the first dolphin to practice what is now known in the gay dolphin community as “Bottlenosing”.
-Former Dolphin coach Nick Saban abandons all his mistresses by telling them he has to do what’s best “for his family”.
-Saban has also never seen any of his daughter’s piano recitals, despite constantly promising he’ll be there. Know why? Because Nick Saban is a horrible, horrible human being.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Channing Crowder!

During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with notable players from each team. For the Dolphins, it’s linebacker Channing Crowder, who reminds me of Carol Channing and clam chowder simultaneously.

Big Daddy Drew: Channing, thank you very much for sitting down with us.
Channing Crowder: No problem.

Drew: What’s the origin of your first name? Was your mother a fan of Chinese sleuthing?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Defensive end Jason Taylor is married to linebacker Zach Thomas’ sister. Given that Katina Thomas is from Texas, is it fair to say that she and her parents are no longer on speaking terms?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Many Dolphins’ fans complained when the team bypassed Brady Quinn in the April draft. Is it fair to say most of those complaints came specifically from Dolphin fans in South Beach?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think Brady Quinn would have been a good fit down here. On any number of men. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think he also would have made an excellent flamboyant Cuban housekeeper. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: What kind of new dimension will Ted Ginn bring to your training room?
Crowder: Ted is healthy.

Drew: Backup quarterback Cleo Lemon says he would like me to squeeze him until the juice runs down his leg. What does that mean?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I’ve heard that Dom Capers has trained his hairpiece to run Oklahoma drills without his assistance. True?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Let’s talk about Joey Porter for a moment. Did Porter relocate the gayest city on the East Coast specifically to make himself angrier?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Is it true that Porter has been barred by local authorities for driving on I-95?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I bet people have tried to merge on Porter only to be run into the concrete barricade.
Crowder: Joey is a very nice person.

Drew: Joey Porter’s dogs once killed a miniature horse, yet Porter remains free to ply his trade. Is it fair to say that, if people knew how cute miniature horses are, that Porter would be in jail right now?
Crowder: That was an accident.

Drew: I mean, look at this thing. I just want to brush her mane and paint stars on her all day long. Don’t you?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I still think Porter fights his dogs. Joey Porter and dogfighting go together like my penis and Lubriderm.
Crowder: Joey does not fight dogs.

Drew: Remember the movie “Brewster’s Millions”, where Richard Pryor had so much money he got sick of it?
Crowder: Yes.

Drew: How much do you like playing defense? Enough to play it for, say, 58 minutes a game?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Are you excited for the Dolphins to lead the league in Time of Dispossession this year?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Would you consider wrestling my gator?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Channing, thanks for your time.
Crowder: My pleasure.

Five Fast Facts About the Raiders:

-JaMarcus Russell’s mother is insisting that if he’s gonna stay at her house during his contract dispute, he better change outta that one all-black suit he’s been wearing since April.

-It was speculated that Lane Kiffin, who at 32 is the league’s youngest coach, released center and long-snapper Adam Treu because Kiffin doesn’t want anyone on the roster to be close to his age or older. Owner Al Davis decided this was sound policy, fired no one ever again.

-Dominic Rhodes is only now beginning to realize why Edgerrin James kept sending him repeated “nnnooooo don’t tk bg monee from shitty tms w/ no linez” texts during the off-season.

-The Raiders are still the only AFC team this decade to lose a Super Bowl. In other news, the Raiders went to a Super Bowl this decade? Really? No foolin’?

-Despite fielding a team with Warren Sapp and JaMarcus Russell, it’s Mike Williams’ weight problem that is troubling the Raiders.

Projected 2007 Record:
5-11

Actual 2007 Record:
0-13-3 (Defense pitches three shutouts. Offense doesn’t score all season.)

Since going to that aforementioned Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Raiders are 15-49 during their last four seasons, representing the worst stretch in franchise history. And there is little indication that things are on the upswing. Sure, the defense is stout, but not good enough to win games on its own.

Their head coach is younger than two of our writers and about a half dozen of his own players. They possess no proven reliable receivers and the running back they signed in the offseason is probably their best blocker.

And they’re in Oakland.

Of course, this is the part where I segue to some auspicious moment heralding the coming uplift. A breaking of the clouds that lights the way to a new day, where wins pile high and Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. And the thing to usher in that new day is…

…

…

is…

…

well, Michael Bush could be okay.

Five Fast Facts About the Saints:

- Kicker John Carney was released in April, leaving fullback Mike Karney as the only “carnie” on the team. Well, besides linebacker Mark Simoneau. He can guess your weight within three pounds.

- The Louisiana Superdome, which was a lawless refugee camp during Hurricane Katrina, has been home to more rapes and murders than any other NFL stadium besides McAfee Coliseum in Oakland.

- Unbeknownst to most fans fans, wide receiver Devery Henderson’s first name is an adjective meaning “quick to spoil.” As in: “Oh man, I didn’t realize the meast was devery. We’re rumphed.”

- Defensive end Will Smith is married to semi-successful actress Jada Pinkett Smith.

- Reggie Bush has joined Matt Leinart as one of the few NFL stars who has dabbled in the medically unsound practice of dating celebutantes. The two former USC stars, of course, have now been romantically linked to Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton (respectively). The final third of that potent Trojan (Trojan — God, I hope) offense, LenDale White, has been seen canoodling with a Nashville-area vending machine. You oughta see what happens to the Honey Buns in the sex tape.

Projected 2007 record: 11-5, first in NFC South
Actual 2007 record: 16-0, first in NFC South, lose NFC semifinal at home.

It’s hard to believe that it was just a year ago that we all wondered what would happen to the Saints. In 2005 the team went 3-13 while playing “home” games at such close-to-New Orleans locales as Baton Rouge, San Antonio, and New Jersey. They were coached by Jim Haslett and quarterbacked by Aaron Brooks. Owner/cockmonger Tom Benson seemed hellbound to move the team to San Antonio or Los Angeles. In short, it was the single most pitiful Saints season that didn’t involve Archie Manning.

Ah, but what a difference a year makes! Coach Sean Payton was poached from the Cowboys, the Dolphins passed on free agent Drew Brees (How did Culpepper and Harrington work out, Miami?), the Texans passed on Reggie Bush, seventh-round pick and wide receiver Marques Colston became America’s tight end, and the Saints cruised to a 10-6 record, the NFC South title, and the franchise’s second playoff win EVER in an energized season in the rehabilitated Superdome.

Oh, and this chick got an F-bomb shown on live national television.

Thanks, “Fuck Da Eagles” girl, for being the pinnacle of the best Saints season ever. Do that again some more this year, ‘kay?