Solely for the sake of completeness, we present this half-assed preview. For some reason, the Broncos have deemed Jay Cutler worthy of team captaincy. Also, the Broncs are suing former receiver Ashlie Lelie for over $600,000 in fines, stemming from last season’s ill-advised holdout. Suing to collect your money is cumbersome, time-consuming and financially inefficient. We suggest a more direct method of collection:

Five Fast Facts About the Chargers:

*Igor Olshansky has two Star of David tattoos on his body. Way to make it that much easier for the Nazis to identify you, smart guy.
*Lorenzo Neal’s most prized possessions are boxing gloves used by Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, and that football he kept from his career-long seven yard rush.
*Shawne Merriman used to own a restaurant/bar in College Park called Lupo’s, where the steriods were occasionally served with alcohol.
*Cletis Gordon’s nickname is “Flash,” not because he’s fast, but like any self-respecting Cletis, he likes to show you his dick.
*Legedu Naanee would like to sell a vowel.

Projected record: 11-5

Actual record: 9-7

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

I understand there was some sort of hubbub about dogfighting.

Fast Facts About The Packers:

UPDATE: I just got an email from flub. “Not for nothing, but it’s ‘Vernand’ Morency, not Vernon and he’s never played for Pittsburgh. You may be thinking of Verron Haynes. I’m not sure if Haynes is in the league any more.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I just re-read my post and the whole thing looks fine…

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Fast Facts About the Indianapolis Colts:
In case anyone asks, you do NOT want to go to the “Sorgi Orgy” after the game tonight.

Peyton Manning now has a children’s hospital named after him. His former Tennessee Volunteer teammate Travis Henry is working furiously towards having a maternity ward named in his honor. [Yes, I'm driving Travis Henry jokes into the ground. Join me, won't you?]

Travel note to out-of-town visitors: Indianapolis has a new stadium this year. When you get to the flashing yellow light at the only intersection in town- turn left, it’s about a half-mile past the big grain silo, near the old Piggly-Wiggly.

Look Boomer, we’re all excited about the new NFL season, but,
please, wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.

Tony Dungy was recently appointed by GWB to the President’s Council on Service and Civic Participation. By our count, this makes him 56th in the line of succession to the White House– just behind the Under-Secretary of the Department of Interior and one spot ahead of Cheney Replicant #18.

Tight end Ben Utecht has developed a rudimentary pidgin language based solely on Sen. Larry Craig’s system of men’s room foot taps and hand gestures. A word of warning: three taps and a slow wave means “This outside linebacker is playing me loose in the flat,” while three taps, a wave and a cough means “I’m a bottom, turn up the Rufus Wainwright!”

Joseph Addai, an LSU alum, might have big money on this weekend’s LSU-Va. Tech Tragedy Bowl. According to Vegas, Stranded on the Roof for Nine Days is a 13-point favorite over Sending Frantic Text Messages While Cowering Under a Desk.

In the German language, there are different words for eating by humans and eating by animals. Fortunately for tubby here, English makes no such distinction. This kid will probably be mayor of Indianapolis. He may be the mayor right now for all we know.

Face it, the league is desperate to keep middle America teams out of the Super Bowl. Commissioner Roger Goodell was still finding his bearings last season, so the Colts were finally able to break through in the playoffs. Rest assured, Rog will not allow that to happen this season. We fully expect to see Ed Hochuli tying Marvin Harrison’s shoelaces together while ignoring a Kimo Von Oelhoffen-style shot to Manning’s knees at some point later this season. But not tonight– look for the Colts to open up the economy-sized can of whoop-ass on the Saints.

Thus far, the KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $400 for disabled veterans and their families. Not bad for a piddly shit site like ours. You can donate directly to FH here.

When he’s been naughty Wade Phillips enjoys being disciplined with his father’s personalized “Bum Paddle.”

Terrell Owens isn’t suicidal, he’s a contortionist.

Assistant coach Wade Phillips Wilson was using HGH and steroids to battle his diabetes. Scoff if you want but the New England Journal of Medicine is about to publish his other thesis, The Healing Properties of Crack Cocaine on the Central Nervous System.

Before Tony Romo can be considered a “true” Cowboy he’s going to need a few concussions and/or a massive drug habit.

Some guy named Jamaica Rector made the team as a wide receiver. Jamaica Rector immediately becomes my favorite Cowboy ever (although that Dat Phan was pretty funny).

Jerry Jones’s face is 30% rayon but dry cleaning is recommended.

Martin Gramatica…REALLY?

Lousaka Polite once cut in front of me at The O. It’s no wonder the Cowboys cut him the other day.

If Anthony Fasano grew out a killer mustache he might get a bit more attention.

Over the summer our favorite Cowboys Cheerleader has been working on her two favorite attributes, her tan and her ability to look in two directions simultaneously.

Dallas has often been known as “America’s Team” but it should be noted that a lot of Americans are total dumber than shit.

And now, the only Dallas shirt I’ve ever considered purchasing…

No Mas

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Fast Facts About The Bears:

As part of a dare during the offseason, Brad Maynard successfully punted an aborted pig fetus through a stained glass window of the Chicago Loop Synagogue, while standing at the corner of West Madison Street and North Dearborn. Maynard won $20 and eternal damnation in the afterlife.

Fourth-year Lousaka Polite often interrupts people during conversations, and is prone to calling up old friends during his nights out at movie theatres and restaurants.

Defensive tackle Israel Idonije played his college football at the University of Manitoba. Idonije takes it upon himself to support his parents still living in Canada, as he sends them an extra down after each game.

RB Quadtrine Hill was accidently placed on injured reserve when team officials mistakenly filled his name in for another player’s debilitation, only to realize the gaffe when NFL brass rejected the report of DE Daniel Bazuin suffering from a “strained quadtrine.”

As part of last spring’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities, a six-way “Irish Death Match” was scheduled featuring the team of Darrell McClover, Brandon McGowan, and John St. Clair pitted against Mike Brown, Alex Brown, and Ruben Brown. The match resulted in a count-out in favor of the Browns, when St. Clair, the legal man in the ring, gave chase to a heckler who had spent the balance of the match screaming “JOHN STREET CLAIR!”

2007 Projected Record: 11-5, First, NFC North.

2007 Acutal Record: 8-2-6, NFC Wild Card.

Thoughts On The Bears, In Haiku Form

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Five Fast Facts About the 49ers:

*Dashon Goldson playson special teams an’ putson a turbon when egging the white people on.
*Bryant Young and Larry Allen would appreciate it if Wilford Brimley didn’t keep pushing Liberty Mutual life insurance on them. Incidentally, they both think Norah Jones is the bee’s knees.
*Ashley Lelie was too shitty a receiver even for the Falcons, so it stands to reason he should get a starting job elsewhere.
*Like Shawne Merriman, Vernon Davis slept with all the hot College Park bitches (read: the ones not from Jersey). With Davis, however, it was all consensual.
*During the Mike Vick fiasco, a select few people called for clemency. Nate Clements wasn’t sure what he was supposed to look at.

Projected 2007 Record:
9-7, 2nd in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
5-0 in the Super Bowl. YES, YES, DAD, I KNOW! SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!

The Niners are a trendy playoff pick this year. A team that, if all goes well, could be successful without being dominating. In a weak NFC, this bodes well for me.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my father is a 49ers fan and my mother is a Redskins fan. How they produced a Steelers fan is really between my mom and the likely underemployed man she cheated on my dad with.

My dad’s sports allegiance meant a fair portion of my youthly memories involving him yelling at Tom Rathman (still not sure why) and never allowing me to take Joe Montana’s name in vain (it was always “The Magic Man” on second reference). He also ripped off one of my fingers to honor Ronnie Lott. It smtimes affx my tping.

Because dear dad is so insufferable when the Niners are winning, it’s been a real treat this last decade to have him lose interest by week 2 and start begging for Eddie and the mob to return.

What sustains him is no less irritating. To whit: the unending gloating about the 49ers’ flawless Super Bowl record. Even after the Steelers matched them with five rings two years ago, his first remarks were “Five and ohh versus five and one.”

I remember late January 1996, right before Super Bowl XXX. The Steelers, though massive underdogs to Dallas, had a chance, however remote, to tie the Niners at 5-0 in the Bowl.

“They’ll never win,” my father told me matter-of-factly. “They’ve got ‘Dumb Dumb’ O’Donnell.”

This enraged me, not only for being a vapid put-down but because it illustrated that he didn’t know anything about the team. Neil had played well in the playoffs and he wasn’t asked to do enough to lose the game for Pittsburgh.

Right after O’Donnell’s second Larry Brown interception, my father came into the basement where I was watching the game, now him a sniveling heap on the floor. He shook his head, sighed and let loose one more “Dumb Dumb” and walked into his workshop to smoke.

So basically what I long for is the Niners to win the NFC and get annihilated by whichever AFC team rises from the scrum. That’ll show that asshole.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

The Amber Alert was issued shortly after this picture was taken.

Fast facts about the Tennessee Titans

Vince Young has a rose tattoo for each special woman in his life. He also has a corndog tattoo for every teammate he sucker-punches in training camp. (Seriously dawg, sticking up for a valued teammate is one thing, risking your season over a spare like Courtney Roby is just dumb).

Bud Adams was close to firing coach Jeff Fisher after last season, but changed his mind when Fisher agreed to grow a beard and pretend to be Wolfman Jack for a week.

The bad news for Titans fans: your team lost their leading rusher and receiver from last season. The good news: it was only Drew “Sweater Boy” Bennett and the Travis “Sperminator” Henry.

Run-stopper Corey Simon makes his return to the NFL after missing all of last season. Alas, Corey didn’t spend the year off thinking of a tougher sounding name. “Corey Simon” sounds like a seminary student. Let me throw out a couple of suggestions on the house… Ropecock Jenkins and Gumbercules McBallcrusher.

Hat tip to Fanhouse and MDS. Definitely not the worst sports blogger ever.

Take it from someone who has Titans’ football foisted on them regularly via the scourge that is regional coverage: this is one dull football team. We’re talking “Scrubs” dull. Morrissey dull. The only thing saving this team from being an unwatchable snoozefest is Vince Young. Titans fans should get down on their hands and knees and thank the invisible man in the sky of their choosing for Vince Young. Do you know what Titans football would be without Vince Young? Fucking Vandy football on Sundays, that’s what. And nobody wants that.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.