We dub thee: PIPPI BONGSTOCKING. Credit to Deadspin commenter Gamboa Constrictor for Laurence Maroney’s new nickname. As much as we enjoy calling him Koolaid, those braids and his performance for the last two years warrant a more feminine moniker.

Maroney’s mug shot, by the way, comes after police pulled over some SUVs following a RICK RAWSS concert in St. Louis. Long story short: marijuana and guns, although the real crime is failing to put up fantasy numbers in Bill Belichick’s offense.

Regardless: bout time we got some construda in dis mothafukka.

Color us hoodwinked and crestfallen today at KSK. Turns out the Facebook page from which we found so much to adore about Laurence Maroney is a big, fat phony.

You mean to tell me people can make fake profiles of other people? So that comment I have from Jayson Blair on my Wall may not actually be from him? Man, I was hoping that really cheesed off everyone at my newspaper job.

We were sure we were the witless victims of yet another garden-variety Intarwebs hoax.

That is, until we read this:

“‘construda?’ — ‘I don’t know what that is,’ Maroney said”

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Sorry, Koolaid. You slipped up on that one. Really had us going there. Some of the concessions we’re willing to accept, but construda and begul shitting are just too genius for some lowly internet prankster to have pulled from the ether.

We can easily guess your motivations behind this shoddy denial to a crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area: Chairman Belichick doesn’t brook human emotions and, even more likely, some opponent probably gave you a hard time about the idiotic homosexual speculation that sprang forth from one photo.

We’d hate for you to become another unlikable Patriots player (read: any other Patriots player) so we’re standing firm in our position that this dubious denial was brought under duress. Perhaps Bob Kraft was threatening to cut off your Kool-Aid supply. Whatever. We need this.

[NOTE: Dave Brown, a writer for The Standard-Times, which tipped us to their article, took exception to my description of the paper as a "crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area." It's true: I'm a dickhole and that was a needless cheap shot at some people who were trying to help us. So I'm asking you, dear readers, to subscribe to The Standard-Times [actual circulation: more than 28!] before Dave Brown has someone from the Poynter Institute come and break my thumbs.]

After some Facebook pictures and excerpts surfaced on KSK this summer, the legend of Koolaid Maroney has grown exponentially. Yet time has done little to decode Koolaid‘s secrets of life. We wash our ass religiously, yet we still haven’t divined the mysteries behind ‘begul shitting’ or, more importantly, ‘construda.’

Frankly, we think our readers in New England are slacking on this one. Surely one of you underemployed slackers has had the opportunity to ask Maroney about construda. Koolaid has probably been asked about his increased role after the retirement of Corey Dillon a thousand freaking times already. Enough already. Someone ask something we actually want to know. If Ryan or Shaughnessy are reading this remember, one of you old bastards could land a Pulitzer over this.

In the meantime, Urban Dictionary has some suggestions, including our own, but none seem truly authoritative. Alas, the search continues.

The truly great Barstool sports was way ahead of us on the Koolaid Maroney phenomenon. They are real, live MySpace friends with Maroney, and from his MySpace page (is this guy great with social networking our what?), they have procured a gallery of pics that shame the last batch. Folks, when Koolaid tells you to wash u ass, by God he means it. He used the whole roll! Click on the link for the full effect, plus some amazing pics of receiver Chad Jackson as well, but here are some of the choicer ones, including… The Koolmobile.

I know what you’re asking. and the answer is yes. That IS a matching Koolaid bracelet. Bad. Ass.

I love this man. I really do. If you don’t love Koolaid Maroney, you molest puppies.

This comes from reader Sharkey, who just made my weekend. This needs no embellishment.

Life at the University of Minnesota, rooting for the shithole that is the Gopher football program, is tough. We need to latch on to any success we may have. Enter: Laurence Koolaid Maroney.

Koolaid=American Hero. The pictures posted win the day, however. Attached are a few of the better ones; Gopher pride, muthafuckas!

The bar just been raised.