Radio host: Uh oh. Looks like we call a from Chinatown Jack. This guy, he’s crazy, he’s off the wall, always bringing the passion. C’mon, bring that passion Jack.

Chinatown Jack: [Reading from notebook] Thanks for having me on, Sports Talk. I listen to your show and it’s great, it’s great, but unfortunately each week it’s polluted by the nonsensical ramblings of Paul from Staten Island, always flapping his gums about Quantrell Bishop this and Quantrell Bishop that. Let me tell you something: This year the ‘Skins got Brian Orakpo. He’s like Quantrell Bishop if he kept his beatings on the field. Did you see the preseason quarterback pressures this guy had? Guaranteed all-pro for the next 15 years or else I’ll pull a Bree Olsen.

Sarah Schorno: Jack, what the hell are you doing? Are you on the phone again? Goddamn it. What’s wrong with you? Get to bed!

Chinatown Jack: [Cups hand over phone and lowers voice] Can you believe these diptards in Vegas putting the over/under on Orakpo sacks at 4.5 for the season. It’s like they want to make me an obscenely rich man four times over. But then the cowards pulled it. Smart, because Orakpo’s putting up five sacks of Elisha in the first quarter, easy. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Orakpo bought a second apartment in the G-men backfield. Orakpo is gonna change the face of the game. Orakpo is gonna bring us together as a people. Orak-

Schorno: Jack!

Chinatown Jack: [Sticks hand over phone, whinces] All I want Paul from Staten Island to do is take a last good long look at his precious Elisha because, come Sunday, WE’RE GONNA TELL COOCH TO END HIS CAREER! Then we’ll fire up the bandwagon! It’s been long in coming! You’ll see!

Hey! Hey, Bob! Yeah, I’m at the tailgeet! Yeah, I have the basketball jersey on! The same one! I wore it when Sean Teelor died last year, and the team really took off after that, so no way I’m taking it off. This is the jersey that’s gonna win us the Super Bowl.

(shotguns beer in front of grandchildren)

What’s that? Tonight? Oh, no doubt we’re winning by 50. Did you see us in the first game of the preseason? DYNASTY. Oh, yeah. DYNASTY. We were as dominant that night as we were during the Spurrier preseason era. Who’s gonna stop us?

(gets in car, swerves across 8 lanes of traffic, causing 7 accidents)

Zorn’s gonna open up that offense. There’s no reason we can’t score 45 points a geem. The way they’ll utilize Randle El, we’re talking 1,700 yards from him MINIMUM. Worst keese scenario. I think the players know that we Redskin fans won’t accept anything less todee.

(starts singing “Hail to The Redskins” to self)

Wait till you see Brennan get in the geem! Oh, he’ll get in. He’s gonna revolutionize the position behind these NEW new Hogs, who are better than the old new Hogs and I think could be better than the original Hogs who were new at the time.

He’s like Manning and Breedy combined into one super QB, with Joe Montana mixed in. No doubt. Have you SEEN Brennan throw the ball? No one talks about how strong his arm is. You let him throw deep, it’s 1991 all over again. And Mike Sellers is so strong. He can bench, like 7,000 pounds. It’s true. I saw it on the news the other night.

COOLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(places Redskins pup tent in top of car)

What’s that? Jason Teelor? I KNOW! Whole new dimension to the pass rush. Best years in front of him. See, he knows how to plee now, and I think pleeing for a team with this kind of history will really motiveet him. No one apprecieets how many near hurries this d-line had last year. If they finally get to the QB this year, they’ll be terrifying.

(yells FAGGOT at Latino man walking by)

And don’t tell me Carlos Rogers stinks. He’s finally HEALTHY. Whole new player. He’s Darrell Green reincarnated if Darrell Green were dead. Absolutely. And Reed Doughty hits people harder than Sean Taylor ever did. I could see this D pitching at least 8 shutouts. You coming to the teelgeet? I’m making the FANCY curly fries in the oven.

(parks car, takes eight tries to get it right)

These plee-ers get it. They know what it means to be a TRUE Redskin. They know the importance of following in the footsteps of guys like Ricky Ervins. They’re not going to let us down, Bob. No wee. The neesee-ers haven’t seen this team plee like you and I have. I don’t think they’re ready for Zorn’s offense at all. It could take them dekeeds to adjust.

We’re totally building on the foundation that Gibbs set. You watch. He made it so that we’ll win the next twelve Super Bowls. I expect nothing less. Big return to glory. BIG.

HAIL!!!!!!!