When we last left Red Sox pegboy Peter King, he was returning from South Africa, where he couldn’t find a single barista that could adequately make a triple espresso double Snickers caramel Doritolatte with banana Romo foam to suit his needs. A shame. Ah, but he did find something in Cape Town that all South African tourists can agree on: FREE PERONI GLASSES. I know that’s why I hope to travel the world one day.

So Peter’s on vacation for the rest of this month, which is so unfair. Twenty years ago, he got FIVE months of vacation every year! And now he only gets one? THE GALL. The disgusting gall of this era of history. Don’t the people at Time Warner understand that a good nugget takes TIME to develop? The mind must rest, so that nuggets can be thought, or at least thought that they’ve been thought. Anyway, with Peter away, we are once again compelled to dive back into the King archives to unearth this treasured Klassic King kolumn. Oh, yes. Reader Ken sent in a link to this King column from way back in December of 2000. We were all so innocent back then. We knew nothing of Westin’s diabolical scheme to deny reservations, or people talking too loudly on Acela, or melty Kit Kats. It was a much sweeter time. So genuine. So down to Earth. So, so… FAVRIAN.

That’s right. Today’s Klassic King kolumn focuses squarely on the Land Baron. Read on for an early glimpse at a young and frisky Peter’s courtship with a rugged, swahbucklin’ gunslingin’, quasi-Jack Twistesque quarterback. What were these two like back then? Did they enjoy the trees and the talk? Did they know of nutmeg in lasagna? Did Brett lead the league in smirkiness? JOIN US BELOW…

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Last week, in our intensive studies of mysterious Alaskan sea blob Peter King (scientists describe the blob as hairy!), we learned the story of Peter’s desperate race against time to keep his bowels from exploding in mid-air. It was a story rife with suspense and uselessness.

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When we last left buxom donut magnet Peter King, he was preparing to take a monthlong vacation from his strenuous life of walking places, calling people, and eating things.

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