Here’s a crocodile chewin’ down on some swine. I recently read a book by Bill Buford called “Heat”, where the author goes to Italy to learn how to be a butcher. It sounded rather grueling. If you’ve ever tried to bone a chicken at home, you know it ain’t all rosy trying to get through bones and sinew with your blade. Your hand can cramp up wicked easy. That’s why I admire the croc’s approach, which is to forgo boning the pig and instead simply butchers the animal internally. No muss, no fuss, no fat stuck to your cutting board. You don’t even have to Fantastik the counter afterwards! Drew likey.
Welcome back to a new season of the kill kill kill tag. As you know, it’s very hard to go seven months without NFL-sanctioned violence, which is why we at KSK attempt to fill the void during the offseason with explicit videos of animals killing other animals.
I have to say, ever since I got an HDTV, I have a newfound respect for these animals. They are so majestic, and so beautiful, and so totally dead. Seeing them out in the wild gives me such a sense of peace and tranquility. It makes me want to eat trail mix and write in a journal. I could watch them viciously tear into each other’s carcasses all day long.
In this clip, a hyena is eating a dead giraffe from the inside out. That giraffe provides vital nutrition to the hyena, and its luscious fur will no doubt make an excellent chaise lounge for the hyena’s den. It is well known that hyenas have a penchant for laughing. They’ll laugh at anything, which is why they are frequently invited to be part of the studio audience for “Mind of Mencia” as well as Comedy Central specials such as “Blue Collar Comedy Tour: What’s With Them Chinks?”
In case you hadn’t noticed, Bear Grylls is back. Grylls, who gave us an entire offseason of useful YuTube videos, has rejiggered his show so that it’s more truthful and less, you know, bullshitty. And that’s okay with me, because I still think he’s just dreamy. He ate a frog in the Sahara last night. But that ain’t the first time. Bear is obviously a fan of the Whizzo Chocolate Assortment. Enjoy!
Thank God for savage animals for providing endless clips to help us fill the offseason doldrums. Here’s a crocodile eating a raccoon. Stay out of my goddamn trash can, you little fucking varmint.
Thus far, the KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $400 for disabled veterans and their families. Not bad for a piddly shit site like ours. You can donate directly to FH here.
As you probably already know, it’s Shark Week this week, and thank God for that, because there ain’t shit else on TV this month. I just wish they’d stop trying to make every shark-related special educational. Is there a more overly researched animal in the universe than the shark? Listen, there’s only so much we can learn from sharks. I’m pretty sure over $2 billion in federal grant research has been spent on studying sharks, and that they’ve only learned three things:
1. Sharks never sleep 2. Sometimes sharks feel like eating humans, and sometimes they do not 3. Sharks are fucking badass
That’s it, really. There isn’t much more to them. Sharks don’t hold the key to finding cold fusion or the cure for AIDS. Scientists just like studying them because they fucking rule, and it beats studying algae. Oooh, what are their mating habits? Oooh, how far will they swim in one year? Who fucking cares? You’re not getting us any closer to a flying car worrying about pointless minutiae like this, scienticians. Quit wasting my tax money lounging around in a boat. 700 other TV crews are already there at Seal Island. They’ve got it covered, okay? Get your nerdy ass back in the lab and do some real work.
The other night I watched Les Stroud feed a group of sharks a turkey, a ham, and a side of ribs. He said he did it to give us clues as to how sharks feed. Bullshit. I say he did it to watch ol’ Jaws throw down some baby backs, because that is crazy fun. And no one can tell me otherwise. Drop the facade, Discovery Channel. Quit with the marine biologists and expensive re-enactments. Just start airing a special called, “Sharks Fucking Shit Up Because They’re Awesome.”
Oh, and the above video? It’s a shark devouring a turtle. Oooh, what amazing new discoveries will be made from this video? None. Only that it sucks to be you, turtle. Adios, fucko.
I have officially received over 5,000 links from people about the fact that “Man Vs. Wild” is rigged. I know. I read too, people. I can find this shit on my own. You can stop with the schaudenfraude now.
These Bear haters out there make me sick. Why don’t you just tell me Santa Claus doesn’t exist?! It’s not important that Bear’s show is real, okay? It’s only important that I believe it’s real. And these “investigative reporters” and “government officials” are making that a real bitch. Can’t they just leave me and my man-crush alone? They’re ruining the latent homosexual fantasy for everyone, especially me. The man ate a live fish and drank elephant shitjuice. Okay? He’s a badass. Does no one appreciate a little showmanship anymore?!
Besides, how do you know the Pine Resort Hotel At Bass Lake wasn’t haunted?! Maybe he needed to go kick some ghost ass or something! Or maybe the internet access at the resort was dial-up! Tell me you could survive that! Or maybe he needed to save other guests from a man-eating rhino that had been helicoptered in! Okay? It’s conceivable. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?
/breaks down crying
OH, BEAR! Why did you do it, Bear? I thought I knew you! I thought you were rugged! I thought you were a bigger man than Les Stroud, who bores the shit outta me! Now, it’s like I don’t even know you! All the letters I wrote to you… all the photos I had framed… all the Vermont Teddy Bears I outfitted with fleece vests… all the high tech surveillance I conducted on your family… ALL FOR NOTHING! We could have had it all! We could have shared blueberry pancakes together! How dare you betray your secret gay lover #1 fan? You bastard! I’ll never watch a one-man-surviving-barren-landscapes show again!
I hate you! I hate you!
Unless you want to get a beer sometime or something. That would be kinda cool.
Oh, and the video above is of lions stalking and taking down an elephant in the dead of night. Fast forward to the end to get to good stuff. TELL ME IT REALLY HAPPENED, BEAR!!!!
So, got yerself a dead whale on the beach, eh? Eight tons of rotting flesh is an unpleasant smell, even if you live in Cleveland. Well, you can let the seagulls and crabs work on that beast, but they might as well be union labor or the Raiders offense at their pace. Our recommendation: eliminate that motherfucker RIGHT NOW in just three easy steps:
Reader John R. sends in this clip of an eagle taking down Bambi. I knew we picked the eagle as our national bird for a good reason. That’ll learn you to nibble on my flowerbed, you fucking doe.
Contrary to all the cheap British jokes listed directly below, I’m actually quite fond of England. It’s the country where I lost my cherry, which it makes it a far more meaningful nation to me than the United States. I also enjoy British beer, kebabs at 4AM, televised lawn bowling, saying “cheers” instead of “thanks”, chicken curry sandwiches from Morton’s, scotch, the Astoria, bubbly British girls with hot accents and large breasts, “About a Boy”, Oasis and so much more. Plus, everyone there drinks. It’s a great country all around. It’s why I drafted it! I’ll be claiming it for my own shortly.
So, to salute the glory of Great Britain, here’s a video of Official KSK Badass and Man I’m Slightly Gay For Bear Grylls sinking his teeth into a live trout. Seriously, this guy is fucking awesome. I’m gonna steal his identity. All I need is his social security number and a rubber girdle. I can make it happen, people.
If you were one of those hifalutin assholes who thought The Sopranos series finale was genius and inspired, then just go right ahead and stop this video at the 1:00 mark. I’d hate to make you feel like some obnoxious American who needs everything spelled out for you. Because, according to you, people who demand well-told stories with proper endings are just big babies. So enjoy not enjoying this vicious tango between a shark and an octopus. Fuckface.
