Most weeks, we’re all too happy to watch from afar, safe in the comfort of our home or office, as wild animals tear into one another for our voyeuristic thrill. Well, that’s probably not why the animals are doing it, but we derive fun from it anyway. Not this week. Now it’s a human’s turn to get ripped asunder. Comeuppance has come and it brought savagery with it. That’s what happens when people get lulled into a false sense of security. That or they’re the type of clueless white people Richard Pryor used to gag on. “Oh George, look at those lions! Let’s say hi!”

Get ‘em, Lions. That’s what Jim Harbaugh gets for mouthing off to your coach.

I’ll apologize at the outset for the lack of a death blow in this giraffe fight. I guess Discovery prefers not to be things like “exploitative” or “fun”. Either way, I enjoy the supreme awkwardness of this battle. It’s like the animal kingdom equivalent of a kicker fight in full pads, and they could only actually kick each other. Holy sh*t, I would pay so much money to see that. As much as, [checks pockets], four singles and a bar receipt.

There’s also the informative detail that the giraffes need not worry about the safety of their necks during the scrum because they have 12-inch-thick vertebrae. Any day now I expect to hear news of Peyton Manning getting giraffe implants.

Unless the NFL decides to nuggetbomb us with the Saints player suspensions, it’s shaping up to be a pretty slow Tuesday afternoon, which is such a Tuesday thing to be. Anyway, Vince Young working out for the Bills, will bring towels. Twitter oversharer Jabar Gaffney released by Redskins. Ol’ Brittfar calling his country lawyer ’cause he’s gonna have to testify in court about his dong shots. There. You’re all caught up.

Now let us while away the afternoon to the mellifluous sounds of sweet, sweet death. The above video purports to be “The Best Animal Fight” when really it’s many animal fights and you could reasonably argue that the best animal fight is not among them (Scar v. Simba, 1994). Nevertheless, there is a lot of quality on display. And an impressive array of match-ups. In particular, I recommend rhino vs. warthog at the 1:04 mark. Woohoo, loogit him fly!

I started to read this potent hate bait on NFL.com from former Boston Herald troll Ian Rapoport about how he thinks Tim Tebow should quit football this very day and begin plotting his future reign over American politics. Actual line: “W.W.T.D.? No, it’s more like, W.C.T.D.? As in, What Could Tebow Do in the world if he didn’t have football to worry about?”

How about W.W.I.R.G.M.B.A.D.S? As in, Why Won’t Ian Rapoport Get Mouthf*cked By A Double-Headed Scythe? Longish and clunky, but words to live by.

I’d be the first to celebrate Tebow leaving football but this is just a poor excuse to pretend he’s a transformative figure because he got a crowd the size of a basketball arena to come hear him stump about Jeebus on Easter in a full-publicized event.

Naturally, I called for my FJM hat and tried to get myself in the mood to tear apart yet another in a series of half-baked calls for Tebow to rule us theocratic despot, but after suffering through enough of these, I long for the catharsis of seeing actual death and not just wishing hypothetical demise on some hack. So it’s a Kill Kill Kill clip for your enjoyment and my sanity.

In it, a pack of buffalo chase off a mother lion so they kill off her children. You just got 5Chan’d, Lions. Your whole draft class wiped out like that.

Since I nabbed two horrible mismatches in the celebrity fight draft, it only makes sense that I would continue with the theme in this week’s Kill! Kill! Kill! post. And so we have a tiger stalking a wild boar, which I would presume is a match-up that heavily favors the tiger, though this narrator claims that he’s more frightened of boars than of tigers. Whatever buddy, some people are scared of spiders. Doesn’t means they’re winning a fight against a tiger.

It’s a mostly well-done clip, though I think the same guy who directed The Hunger Games is responsible for this. The camera work is steady until the moment when the tiger strikes, when everything all of a sudden becomes shaky and indecipherable. You robbed us of our money shot, dickhead. Next thing you know, the tiger is munching of the neck of downed boar. The tiger then proceeds to leave it there, knowing nobody is gonna mess with her kill. LIKE A BAWSE.

Actually, I think the end quote is my favorite part:

“This really is her territory now. I think she’s ready to be a mother.”

That’s like the cryptic final line that an arthouse movie would end on. Anyway, more people should be required to kill before they can reproduce. It’s probably the best solution for overpopulation I’ve heard yet.

After we posted the osprey video last week, a reader e-mailed us to tell us that it was coated in lamesauce. His name being Conor, we were already inclined to ignore him. It didn’t help matters that he then proceeded to send us the golden eagle clip we posted three years ago.

But Conor was persistent. Just like they say, persistence is the key to badgering women into bed (or getting a restraining order, WHATEVER CHARLENE) and getting lazy bloggers to post your nature videos. He rooted around and sent us this video of African wild dogs mauling an impala. It’s not particularly new, but it’s new to us, and that’s good enough for a Friday in March. Plus, it has women whimpering at the sight of death and what’s the point of Kill, Kill, Kill if nobody is traumatized?

Here’s a clip of an osprey bringing fishy death by dive-bombing into a lake for its prey. Truth be told, I hated ospreys as a kid, mostly because I played a lot of Odell Lake in elementary school and ospreys always wrecked my sh*t in that game. I suppose a more accurate statement is that I hated virtual birds in a video game and that I had a very sheltered childhood. That would not be inaccurate.

Reader Alex sent on this clip, saying: “perhaps it is an allegory of Seattle getting Matt Flynn over the Dolphins (yes, the predator here is an osprey — they should have used this mascot instead of a ‘seahawk’, which doesn’t f*cking exist anyway).”

Awww, poor Miami. At least Alex Smith wanted to visit your majestic beaches.

If there’s an overriding theme to this edition of Kill! Kill! Kill!, it’s the virtue of sticking with your own kind. But that might be loosely interpreted as racial commentary, so we’ll have to stick with sweet animal slaughter as the idea we’re driving at.

Up top, a bird beards the lions in their den (btw, an idiom I’ve never fully understood) to less than desirable results. The fact that it’s the lionness who makes the kill robs me of an opportunity to make a cheap Ndamukong Suh joke. We’ll just have to imagine it as Jim Schwartz’s overly violent home life.

Below, we see a gator straying too far into Hippo ‘Hood. While you could think of that as any Florida player getting mauled, I like the image of Tebow paying the ultimate price for trying to cut off a line of defensive lineman at the buffet. Get ‘em, Wilfork.

[Oopity! A commenter points out that's a crocodile. Well there goes that lazy joke. You'd think my Crocodile Mile expertise would have enabled me to make that distinction, but just shows to go ya that a Slip 'n' Slide rip-off isn't the tool for learning we it thought it might be.]

[video via The Daily What; image from epic4chan]

It’s well established that Valentine’s is the worst. Not only does it force couples to make extravagant plans they don’t really feel like making and guilts single people for not being deep in the throes of monogamy, it also inspires the worst in comedy. Everyone makes fake valentines to recycle threadbare jokes. Then there are the bad spins on old valentine chestnut poems. “Roses are red, something else is another color, here comes the punchline, please tip your waitress.” Almost always they are insipid and lame. Believe me, I can’t do any better. I just about fell prey to obligation and starting compiling fake valentines from NFL players. I got as far as a “can’t spell Valentine’s without Eli” joke before making myself a mixed drink out of household cleaners.

We will counter the manufactured sentimentality the only way we know how: by celebrating sweet, sweet violent death. First, two hyenas gang up to rip open a pregnant wildebeest. See, love and its messy byproduct of carrying children will only make you weak. I also enjoy that it was Darnell Dockett who put me on to this clip.

Next, we have an image of a shark eating another shark. Taste of your own medicine, death machine of the deep (haha, sharks don’t take medicine, they just eat things).

If a shark ingests another shark, does it gain its sharky powers, progressively building strength until it transforms into one of these? I certainly hope so.

Anyone who sat through the BCS National Championship this week got their fill of hearing about anything honey badger-related, given Brent Musburger’s insistence on dropping Tyrann Mathieu’s nickname on damn near every play. So it’s probably poor timing for Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers to tell reporters that they are using the honey badger as their inspiration or spirit animal or what have you in advance of the team’s playoff showdown with the Saints this weekend.

We’re not adverse to the little critter having crossover appeal. Far from it. Recall that KSK featured the honey badger in a KILL KILL KILL post a year and a half back. Our only suggestion is maybe go a little easy on the honey badger overkill, sports figures in search of cheap motivational ploys. Can’t hurt to give the Golden Eagle a chance at being an avatar of badassery. At least you won’t be piggybacking on a nickname that was widely mocked just days ago on a national stage.