It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC West, home to so many Jeebus-obsessed quarterbacks, you might as well call it a sect instead of a division.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

Josh and Brandon discuss current events with news reader Ryan Walsh. And is that Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe stopping in to clear the air on “importing” and to share a little poetry with the crew? Awesome. Ryan Gallivan stops in to discuss the status of his blog, and his “relationship” as described by Facebook. Chris Lucas previews Blogs With Balls 3 in Chicago on June 5, and discusses why people (blue-chip advertisers, specifically) suddenly care about blogs.

Recorded 5/25/2010. Runs 75 minutes. Listen to or download the show here, Subscribe on iTunes or Right-Click the logo to save the .mp3 file (“Save target as…”)

UPDATE: Mr. Lucas wanted to issue a clarification. ” I made it sound like TMobile called me and Don and that’s not true, nor fair to Yardbarker who could have gone to any number of bloggers. If you don’t mind posting that clarification, I would appreciate it.” Posted.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

Projected Record: 8-8
Actual Record: 8-8
Herm’s Favorite Time to Run Larry Johnson: Third and 8

An Arbitrary Number of Fast Facts on the Chiefs

-There are two Kansas City’s–I think the Chiefs play in the crappy one.
-Brodie Croyle was a cool name in fifth grade.
-Herm Edwards doesn’t like being called Herman. On a more interesting note, the nation’s first television advertisement for condoms aired during an episode of Herman’s Head. That night the show received thousands of complaints–non of which had anything to do with condoms.
-Priest Holmes just criticized his spinal column for holding out.
-Claude Maurice McGee goes by the nickname “Turk” because all of his real names are kinda fey.
-Kyle Turley is half C.H.U.D. and half Morlock.
-Jason Dunn is really two and half midgets.
-Even though he’s 6’3″ Napoleon Harris has been known to wear lifts.
-Jay Z is worried that Larry Johnson is trying to fuck Beyonce.
-Beyonce is terrified that Larry Johnson is already fucking Jay Z.

If you know one thing about these Kansas City Chiefs it’s that Gunther Cunningham doesn’t take lip, he gives lip!

If you’ve been watching their training camp unfold on HBO’s Hard Knocks (not me!) you know that Gunther isn’t just a crotchety old man, he’s nuttier than Chloë Sevigny’s mouth.

Three Quick Thoughts:
-I’m not footballologist but I’m pretty sure those guys need their hands.
-I’d pay good money to watch Gunther try to wrap his feeble old-guy hands around DeMarcus Tyler’s ginormous head stalk
-It should come as no surprise that Gunther was born in Munich shortly after the fall of the Third Reich.

If you are a fan of the Chiefs I offer my humble apologies for the things you’ve read here and all of the misery you’re bound to endure this season.