The quarterback-deficient Chiefs were able to claim Kyle Orton off waivers last Wednesday, but they’re probably wise to not play him against the Steelers defense on four days of preparation with a new offense. No need to rush since the AFC West champ will most likely be 7-9 anyway. So it falls to Tyler Palko to once again spend a primetime game not throwing passes further than five yards. What fun!

Anyway, be sure to take a look at the chart above (click to embiggen). The fallout of the Tom Brady injury in 2008 was as tragic as the crippling was beautiful. It gave rise to Josh McDaniels as a viable head coach and, worst of all, sowed the seeds of Tebowmania. It very nearly almost makes me start to maybe think of possibly not enjoying Bernard Pollard taking out Dreamboat quite as much. Except not at all. Nothing ever comes easy, so why should glorious Greatriot knee shredding be any different?

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I feel like I spent all of Derpoween sitting out in the field waiting for The Great Pumpkin Marmalard to show himself, only for nothing but derps and derps and derps and derps. It felt like forever. But oh my. How ever did he derp.

In reality, they all derped. They derped their guts out. The Chargers derped so hard motherf*ckers wanna herp them. Marcus McNeill might have amassed a 2,000 yard season in penalty yardage tonight alone.

To their demerit, the Chiefs, too, did everything they could to lose this game. For those who love it when a team really tries to lose, when they take extra effort to set the table for the other team, bring out the fine china and write VICTORY on their plates in a sauce you’re not sophisticated enough to identify, you had to love the Chiefs tonight. In a game like this, you hate that someone had to be declared the winner, because these teams tried so hard to lose and it breaks your heart that one has to feign triumph when they gave their level best to fall on their faces.

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Well, it’s something to watch after you’ve shown off your undead Google Reader costume.

Marmalard went full Romo last week in a loss to the Jets, torpedoing a halftime lead with two fourth quarter picks before floating the ball out of bounds on a desperation last ditch 4th down. Should be interesting to see how long teammates put up with Philip Rivers’ transmogrification from obnoxious but stellar douchelord to obnoxious but sucky suckass. I’ll wager another half of football at most. Recall that the Chiefs and Chargers met in Arrowhead in Week 1 last year and the floats were not falling Laserface’s way in that contest.

The Chiefs have seemingly recovered from a horrendous start that very nearly and very hilariously cost Todd Haley his job. Of course, that positive momentum can all be reversed in one crushing loss to a division foe.

So gather ’round, gorge on candy, get engorged with the barrage of NSFW links and wait breathlessly for the biggest dickhead on one of these teams to get cleaved by an irate fanbase.

[Chiefs camp, late August]

Todd Haley: Hey! HEY! Listen up! Stop practicing! Stop stretching! Shut up and get over here!

[Team assembles]

Todd Haley: You guys got your playbooks?

Matt Cassel: Of course, coach. We -

Todd Haley: RHETORICAL QUESTION, DRIBBLE DICK! I DIDN’T SAY TALK. I know you have your playbooks.

Okay, I want you to toss ‘em. Set ‘em on fire. Throw ‘em in the shredder. Whatever. We’re getting new ones.

[Gasps heard]

Todd Haley: INHALE ON YOUR OWN TIME, LADIES! Such goddamn disrespect.

I was online last night buying up tickets for the “Watch the Throne” tour stop in KC in November. Show sold out weeks ago but I scored tix from an online scalper. Big mark-up. I don’t give a damn. I make mad bank. That sh*t means nothing to me. Could buy out the whole arena if I wanted. Anyway, my old college roomie e-mailed this article.

No way am I letting Raheem shine on me. What did I say when I took this job? “From now on, we’re only driving the bitchingest cars, f*cking the hottest sluts and using the newest, fanciest shit money can buy.” Why do you think we have all the copies of GQ and Maxim in my office? It’s so when I see hotter, ridiculously expensive gear, I’m on it. I stay fresh. Bitches love that. See this 3D phone? Who the f*ck needs a 3D phone? Nobody. But I got one. And now you assholes got iPad playbooks.

Dwayne Bowe: So how do they work?

Todd Haley: How the f*ck should I know? We got tech fags to go over all the bells and whistles. Ask them. Don’t waste my time.

We good here? Good. I catch any of you with the old playbooks, that’s a $10,000 fine right there. I don’t play.

HEY! WHY AREN’T WE PRACTICING!? QUIT STANDING AROUND LIKE YOU’RE WAITING FOR PUSSY TO FALL OUT THE SKY. POON ONLY POURS ON THE HALEY.

[Message board flies open]

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Keyshawn and the ESPN crew won’t be able to ruin this moment until next season

Joe Flacco finally posted a halfway competent outing in a playoff game. It helps when the opposition neglects to cover the entire middle of the field. Nevertheless, good on you, Unibrow. Glad you were able to build confidence early with crisp intentional groundings to the sideline net.

And someone tell Ray Rice that it’s only worthwhile to steal LaToeInjury’s touchdown celebration if you’re playing his team and taunting him. Otherwise you’re just a rank BITERRRRRRR.

And now Kansas City closes in on two full decades without a playoff win and the shame of trying to determine what exactly this rotund creature should be called and, moreover, how to appease it before it consumes us all.

Meanwhile the Jets and Ravens advance to play teams with an overwhelming recent history of ownage against them. Hope you’re ready for the hate to overfloweth this week.

When your franchise’s last postseason victory came against the Houston Oilers, you’ve been going through quite a bit of football frustration the last generation or so. And so it is with the Chiefs, whose last win in playoffs came following the 1993 season.

With reports that offensive coordinator Charlie Weis has already mentally checked out augurs bad things for KC’s chances of victory and the possibility of seeing more screaming matches with Todd Haley. Then again, given that Joe Flacco has the lowest postseason passer rating of any active quarterback with multiple starts in the playoffs, they may not have to put up 30+ to come away with a win over Bawlmer.

The Ravens almost caught a huge break with Dwayne Bowe being questionable most of the week with an illness, but the receiver was removed from the injury report on Saturday, indicating that he’s ready to go. Luckily, the Chiefs only, for whatever cockamamie reason, accept players from two-parent homes so there no doubt plenty of players capable of suggesting the white people cold cure of Sprite and chicken noodle soup.

We got an e-mail yesterday from a guy who claims to work at the writers’ office for the show “30 Rock.” He told us the the writers love the site and occasionally put up KSK posts in the writers’ room. While this is as likely to be true as the times we got e-mails from people relaying first-person accounts of Rex Ryan reading and enjoying Drew’s posts and the fact that Philip Rivers has read the site and hates us, we choose to believe it’s the God’s honest truth. So, to the folks from NBC currently reading: GIVE ME A JOB GIVE ME A JOB RIGHT NOW We appreciate the support.

Anyway, the guy passed along a comedy video that he directed about Chiefs defensive lineman Shaun Smith, he of the Brady Quinn punching and the Anthony Davis in-game groin grab.

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The Chiefs yesterday were the last team to be knocked from the ranks of the unbeaten when they lost to the Colts in Indianapolis, mostly because Dwayne Bowe can’t catch, Matt Cassel is awful and Todd Haley wanted to pretend like it was Super Bowl XLIV all over again and he was Sean Payton. The Chiefs might also have been as startled as we were to spot a non-atrocious looking female Colts fan.

But CBS, crack production team that they have, was able to identify a few other key reasons as to why Kansas City lost that escaped our attention. You might have missed them during the broadcast, but lucky for you we at KSK were able to screencap them.

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Does every Chiefs fan express joy by grabbing the nearest invisible Shake Weight? I’m sure you could get actual ones from Steve Weatherford. He has a few he needs to unload. I will say, though, nice job of getting a middle finger in the long-distance shot of Rivers blown coverage TD pass to Naanee.

Don’t be so glum, guy who looks like Mike Myers in a fat suit playing a Jets fan. Mark Sanchez throws a heck of a checkdown pass. A few more years of seasoning and he might even be as good as Matt Leinart.

Jacqueline liked it better when you just yelled to her to show her tits at Gate D of the old Meadowlands.

And in case you missed it, Marmalard might have thrown his greatest tantrum to date.

The two most hyped teams that aren’t the Packers coming into this season now face off with… I’d say bragging rights on the line, but both of these teams talk massive loads of shit whether they’re actually winning or not. So let’s just say they’re playing to vindicate all the talk we’ve heard about them the last few months.

The Jets, of course, found themselves embroiled in a few scandals this week, one involving an illicit West Coast training exercise that an anonymous team (DEFINITELY NOT THE PATRIOTS) reported to the league and the another in which a TV Azteca reporter said she was sexually harassed by Jets players when she visited a team practice over the weekend. Normally, that might be something to be condemned, but the New York Post said it was all really quite sexy.

And I don’t really have a neat way to segue into this, but reader Adam sent us this nice Suggs bleaching Photoshop and I’d probably be remiss not to include it.

The late game tonight pits the Chiefs against Marmalard and his new non-LaToeInjury running back. It seems like the Chargers play in the late Monday night game on opening week every year, but upon further review it’s only been the last two seasons. Another joke my feeble mind is playing on me. The live blog crew will presumably be covering that one as well, provided they don’t get black out drunk first, naturally.