The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.

I am weak. My weakness is strong. I let my hopes get stoked that the Giants could come into the Marcedes-Benz Maybach Music Superdome and give the Saints a semblance of a game, but it ended up being only slightly less lop-sided than the 62-7 New Orleans blowout of the Fat Humps back in Week 7. Next Sunday, we’ll be forced to live blog the Suh-less Lions against the Saints on SNF just because the alternative is Chargers-Jaguars on Monday night. And Detroit is gonna lose by 40. Such is the live blog.

Gruden is very amused by people on crutches, btw, especially if they’re Sean Payton. In the waning minutes of the blowout, he had some poor production assistant bring him a pair to goof with in the booth. It’s not only visual puns that Gruden is after. He also clumsily described Payton as “up and at ‘em” right as the camera cut to Sean on crutches.

Then again, Payton does nothing to discourage this by using the crutches as a celebration prop. In the best of all worlds, we can impale Mike McCarthy on one in the NFC Championship Game.

Lest we forget – Eli had a sad. Many a silly orange ‘stached sad.

The video below was actually my favorite sequence of the night. First, we get a SPROLES NEEDS NO HOLES Seussian rhyme from Gruden. Then, after Gruden proceeds to call Tiny Darren the greatest free agent acquisition of the off-season, Jaws feels the need to smart up the room by suggesting the Texans’ signing of Jonathan Joseph, which draws five seconds of dead air before Tirico is basically forced to be, like, “NO, ASSHOLE”.

“I say, dearest Mortimer. Victory is less a promise than an assurance this night.”

“That it is, Shadrach. These Nordic marauders haven’t the faintest idea of how to scotch our potent attack.”

“Now there’s an idea! Scotch! Tipples all around! Let us quaff at once in remembrance of this triumph!”

“Be there enough scotch and we shan’t remember much at all.”

“Too true. Too true. Nevertheless, a gentleman simply does not waste scotch of this caliber.”

“Then I will imbibe. For the sake of moderation, I shall await the next home score.”

“Ah, there it is!”

“Very good. Tally ho!”

“Oh, how the other team does doddle with the ball.”

“It is less football than it is skylarkings.”

“It recalls the last time the underclass revolted. How they cried when crushed underfoot.”

“The screams haunt me still.”

“Not I. For a gentleman should enjoy a good suppression from time to time. Keeps him virile.”

“Sound advice. Accordingly, my recommendation is for a great mirth-having at the downfall of our enemies. To hegemony!”

“Capital idea! May their lamentations find comfort in our ear drums.”

[Glasses clink]

Okay, enough with that. We got the blowout we expected. Moving on. Let’s focus on how we’re gonna live blog Tebow getting killed on Thursday. Because tonight wasn’t very pleasant to watch. Gruden didn’t make it any easier by wondering aloud “WHO IS THIS JAMES STARKS?” and not having any idea how the game of football works despite coaching it at its highest level and OH YEAH HE WON A FUCKING SUPER BOWL KILL ME NOW.

Seriously, Tirico goes into a lengthy explanation about how Rodgers doesn’t commit grounding in the end zone because he’s out of the pocket and the throw goes beyond the line of scrimmage. And, like a child wandering into a theater, there’s Gruden not five seconds later shouting WAIT THERE’S NO RECEIVER OVER THERE. Tirico, with the patience of Job, has to correct him again, which prompts the most Gruden response ever: “There’re a lot of rules.”

That probably took five years off my life. In which case, gotta get busy living, so I won’t bother setting up these screencaps of fat, obnoxious, holier-than-thou Cheesetards.

Oh yeah, this last one. The Packers fluffing was so intense that they trotted out some decrepit season ticket holder from the last 50+ years. Tirico gushed that she used to go bowling with Ray Nitschke’s sister. DOIN’ IT THE RIGHT WAY EXPRESS, COMIN’ THROUGH. What I wouldn’t give for Bill Murray to shove her ass over and tell her Nitschke was a pussy.

Jon Gruden: Terrelle Pryor! You kiddin’ me? This guy! This guy’s a football player! No way no how! Get out of here! I’m tellin’ ya!

Terrelle Pryor: Thank you for having me. That’ll be $85.

Jon Gruden: You know something, Terrelle? You know what it’s like to be disrespected? You think people hate you in Columbus? You kidding me? You know who’s hated? I’ll tell you who’s hated.

Terrelle Pryor: Who?

Jon Gruden: Dudley Moore.

Terrelle Pryor: Dudley Moore? What team does he play for?

Jon Gruden: Dudley Moore doesn’t play for a team. He’s one of America’s finest actors. He’s been exploited all his life, and nobody appreciated what he did for cinema. Doesn’t that bother you, Terrelle?

Terrelle Pryor: Should I say yes here?

Jon Gruden: Look at this guy in Arthur. Look at the panache. The savoir-faire. Do you know what savoir-faire is, Troy? It’s when you can do gay shit without looking gay. Prince has it. Elton John has it, and Dudley cotton-pickin’ Moore has it. Look at that guy. Don’t you want to just spread his asscheeks and give ‘im all he can handle?

Terrelle Pryor: Uh…

Jon Gruden: You know who tried to disrepect him the most? Russell Brand. It’s not enough for that guy to nail Katy Perry every night and moonlight as a minotaur, is it? Russell Brand had to go and vandalize Mister Moore’s signature film. How do you disrespect Dudley like that?

Terrelle Pryor: How is this supposed to help me get drafted?

Jon Gruden: Lemme tell you something, Terrelle. THIS GUY is a living legend. I’m not even that upset that he doesn’t return my calls. Legends have earned that right. If you want to be a legend, I suggest you find your own way to stardom, instead of just copying what everyone else has done. Find your own way, Terrelle. And stardom will find you.

Now get up to the board and draw me a seahorse.

Terrelle Pryor: You mean like this?

Jon Gruden: Attababy.

TONY DUNGY: Rodney, I don’t know about you, but it’s nice to see the Jon Gruden character back in action this week. Nothing’s funnier than a former NFL head coach with ridiculous views on issues not pertaining to football.

RODNEY HARRISON: Tony, you’re outta your gotdamned mind. Gruden himself ALREADY IS a walking caricature. The guy just utters the same seven phrases over and over again and never makes any damn sense. He’s like the Gus Johnson Soundboard for white people. And besides, wasn’t this meeting like two or three weeks ago? Why wait on it, and why do anything with it now?

TONY DUNGY: Maybe we could have seen a post on the intricacies of the NFL lockout.

RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.

Jon Gruden is said to be meeting today with the University of Miami athletic director to hammer out the details of becoming their next coach, which would be great because it would obviously get him out of the Monday Night Football booth and also make Peter King hilariously wrong yet again.

Allow to execute an preemptive strike against any elation this news may bring. If the Tony Kornheiser debacle taught us anything, it’s that tWWL will only find an announcer, if not quite as annoying overall, at least deeply obnoxious in different ways. Do you not think they will stick Matt Millen in the booth? Is your naivete a warm teddy bear blanket with years-old stains you ignore because each stain carries a memory more important than the warmth the blanket brings? They will put Millen in that booth and you/me/everyone will be powerless to stop them.

At least hopefully they’ll put Steve Young in there so the two can bandy catty comments at each other for three hours.

Every Monday this season, I’ve made sure to record the dumbest quotes Jon Gruden has made in the booth. I’m not sure why I’m bothering. I might make a mix of them. I might just let the videos take up space on my hard drive. My life is consequential like that.

That said, as supremely annoying as Gruden is in the booth, I actually enjoy his weekly one-on-one sitdown with a star player that airs immediately before kick-off of MNF. It’s not that these segments are any more illuminating than any other pointless interview between a player and a talking head, but it is amusing to see Gruden completely (maybe too much) at ease with athletes.

I mean, you have to assume there’s some level of comfort given that he coached in NFL for however many years, but Gruden’s is such that he comes off as the affable drunk bachelor uncle who takes you aside at the family outing and asks you uncomfortable questions about your current girlfriend. That might be the only thing missing from these segments.

Yes. Yesssssss. Share with us the magic markers of unfathomable sadness. Don’t worry, Jon Kitna has a lot of sternly worded homilies to share with you about the hidden advantages of hardship.

Here are abandoned remains of your hero:

Stumbled on by a stray official wandering an emptied-out Cowboys Stadium. A once vibrant smile frozen in decaying flesh. This would be the opening shot of The Walking Dead in my version, just before Zombie Rom lunges into the refs’ neck.

Ha.

Haaaaaaaaaaaa.

Oh, you bandwagon assholes don’t care about baseball. That’s it – all my rooting interest is thrown behind that charming stoner Lincecum and his fat buddy Sandoval.

Oh, and Gruden can get stuffed for dubbing the Giants receiving corps “Jet Blue” then dimly explaining to the audience that, shucks, he was inspired by this random airline company that someone might have heard of. Double dickpunches to Tirico for boasting that JetBlue Tweeted a response to Jaws and Gruden to smartly take advantage of the stupid golden opportunity for free whoring.

Oh, you’re lucky your flights are cheap and you carry SundayTicket or this would convince me to pretend like I could consider more expensive flight options.

“You Barron twins call that a pass rush??? You two hussies need a lesson in ATTACK DISCIPLINE from MISTER DERRICK BROOKS!!!”

ESPN’s Jon Gruden is an assistant coach for Carrollwood Day School in Tampa. (Times are tight, who couldn’t use a night job to help make some extra scrill?) During a recent game, Gruden’s team was flagged for a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for his comments towards referees. After voluntarily leaving the sidelines, Gruden sat in the stands where he continued to heckle the referees with zingers like “Hey, Forrest Gump!” Fresh off the experience, Coach Gruden has agreed to help with this week’s edition of Sexy Friday.

“I heard Kristen Cavallari was spending time with Jay Cutler. But it looks some other guy is skippering the motorboat while Jay’s busy BECOMING AN OFFENSIVE POWERHOUSE. Toots, you are making a mistake two-timing Cutler. THAT GUY is on the verge of becoming A FORCE IN THIS LEAGUE FOR YEARS TO COME.”

“You know who else looked good in a see-through shirt? MIKE ALSTOTT!”

“Adriana Lima is supposed to be some big time fashion model. You’d think she could afford a hotel room with a bed. Hardy Nickerson, now THAT GUY could sleep on a roll-top desk and still bring it for SIXTY MINUTES in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.”

“Look, a professional goes to the field ready to play. RICH GANNON didn’t come out of the locker room with his shoulder pads off and jockey strap hanging out. This young lady can’t even bother to put on her bathing suit before her photo-shoot. Believe me LACK OF PREPARATION is guaranteed to GET YOU KILLED ON SUNDAY.”

[ via via via via ]

Five months ago, ESPN “analyst” Jon Gruden taped a mock film study session with four NFL rookies-to-be, one of which was Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. As Tebow went in the first round of the NFL Draft shortly after his segment with Gruden aired, one could be left to wonder how a reunion between those two men would have played out.

JON GRUDEN: Tim Tebow! You kiddin’ me? You’re a football player, man! I tell you. I like that haircut and that shirt and all those muscles, man! I’m tellin’ you!

TIM TEBOW: I have a will to win, Coach. I just love the game of football. Not only do I love to win, but I also hate to lose. And not only do I love to win and hate to lose, but I have no feeling about ties whatsoever.

JON GRUDEN: You gotta overcome adversity! You gotta get out there and start makin’ your reads and you’re strokin’ that ball into the receiver’s hands and you’re gettin’ under center and you’re just makin’ it hum. Am I right?

TIM TEBOW: I bring passion to the game. I am very passionate. If my love for the game of football was a type of fruit, it would be a passionfruit. I will do anything to help my team win, as long as it doesn’t include converting to a position that might better suit my skills such as tight end or goal-line fullback.

JON GRUDEN: Let’s be honest. Okay? It’s okay to suck another guy’s dick once in a while, okay? I mean, not just any dick. You gotta have the right wang in your mouth, you know what I’m sayin? You gotta do your homework. Study up on that dick. Girthy. Grooming. No cuts. His dick should look just like his father’s.

TIM TEBOW: My faith teaches me that homosexuality is a sin, as is sudoku and men’s figure skating. But if my love for the game of football leads me into another man’s anus, that’s okay, because in ancient Greece I would still be considered straight.

JON GRUDEN: You know what I call you? You’re the JESUS SUPREME VERSATRAC EVEREADY DISCO ARGENTINE NO QUIT NICOTINE PATCH QUILT GOBSTOPPER! That’s what you are, man! Because that’s what you do? It’s time to get stimulated! Great. Spectacular. Coulda swore you were a black guy.

TIM TEBOW: I have been called many things, but if I were to call myself something, it would be “I love the game of football.” And so when people call my name on television, when they announce another touchdown pass from I Love The Game Of Football, the world will know that I love the game of football.

JON GRUDEN: There’s only one way to get respect in this league, and that’s by winning football games. And there’s only one way to win football games, and that’s with talent. And there’s only one way to get talent, and that’s with a rag of ether and a white van with no windows.

TIM TEBOW: I will love the game of football anytime, anyplace, anywhere. I will love it on a boat. I will love it with a goat. I will love it with a spoon. I will love it in Mattoon. I will love it in my socks. I will love it through the Renaissance.

JON GRUDEN: Now Tim, don’t bullshit me, alright? You love me, don’t you?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: You wanna overcome adversity right into my mouth, dontcha?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: You wanna get the very best of Gruden, dontcha?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: Well fuck you then.

TIM TEBOW: God bless.

TONY DUNGY: Rodney, I don’t know about you, but I really liked the direction of this post. It called upon a dynamic of two of the NFL’s great characters, it found its rhythm early, and had plenty of talk about penises. The reference to the Renaissance was nice, too.

RODNEY HARRISON: Tony, I’m sorry, but this is another miss. Isn’t this joke like five months old already. The season starts tomorrow, Tony. Tomorrow. And this is a post about something that happened before the draft? And I don’t understand how Tim Tebow could reject the sexual advances of a Super Bowl champion coach. That can’t happen at this level. So take off the skirt, Tim Tebow, and start sucking your coach’s dick like a man.

TONY DUNGY: Technically, Rodney, Jon Gruden is not Tim’s coach.

RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.