NOW THAT IS A LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT FOR LONG-TERM EMPLOYMENT! THAT IS OUTSTANDING BOILERPLATE LEGALESE! I’M GONNA CALL THIS GUY “THE NEGOTIATOR” Why, God, whyyyyyyyy? F*ckface cliche machine Jon Gruden has reportedly agreed to a long-term deal to remain in the Monday Night Football booth, thus ensuring that we will be subbing more future live blogs to the Sunday night game. He’s also going to contribute to college football coverage, but who cares? He can ruin that all he likes so long as he quits telling me about THIS GUY on Monday nights.

Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”

Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!

Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.

Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”

The failed three-year Tony Kornheiser Experiment on Monday Night Football has come to a merciful close, which is ESPN’s minor atonement for adding Matt Millen to their pregame theatrics. When Kornheiser was brought in, he was hailed for, if nothing else, not being Joe Theismann, but he turned out to be just as bad, if not worse. At the time, TK had run a tremendously entertaining radio show, even if it belabored American Idol to the point of absurdity. Whereas that radio show was smooth and engaging, despite the constant Idol banter, he was overly gimmicky on MNF, always playing up ESPN-approved storylines and star players regardless of what transpired on the field. He stuck to oft-repeated speculation on what sportswriters were working on in their “column” about the game, as though he were a displaced journalism professor who just happened to be sitting in on a TV show for a lark. Favre became the analog to radio show’s insistence of Idol talk. How many times did he try to shoehorn Brittfar’s name into the commentary during the MNF game with the Packers this past year? Even Tirico had to tamp it down at one point. If it weren’t for PK, he’d be the Jackie Harvey of sports.

So who will carry the mantle of color commentary on the second tier weekly primetime game? None other than Jon Gruden, who will most assuredly be stilted and awful, weighing down the broadcast with even more platitudes and cliches. How a coach months removed from the sideline is supposed to counterbalance the overly analytical Jaws and the good play-by-play straight man Mike Tirico isn’t clear, though I don’t see Gruden being up to the task. WHITHER GUS JOHNSON!? CAN’T HAVE TWO BLACK GUYS IN THE BOOTH!? IS THAT IT!?

So, in the end, the commentary will suck, but at least won’t call as much attention to its awfulness through braying antics and dumb pandering to ESPN talking points. And, at the very least this might lead to a Jennifer Tilly cameo in the booth at some point.

Jeff, I want you to visualize your career, right here, in my hand. I’m fondling your career in my right hand, right now, like a teenage tit. I know you don’t know what that’s like, since you’ve been blowing dudes your whole life, but I want you to…let…Jeff, let me finish. I want you know that you’re still my guy.

THAT’S A GREAT BALL, BRIAN! GREAT READ! WAY TO FIND THAT SAFETY VALVE IN THE FLAT!

Frankly, Jeff, I don’t know why you’ve been playing like shit. I know you’re under a lot of strain. I can only imagine how tough it could be to maintain a hetero front in the rough and tumble world of pro football. And then to switch around and be your true self while you cruise the streets at night and jerk off other guys in discos, that can’t…Jeff…Jeff, my turn to speak, Jeff. I just want you to know, I don’t care if you’re gay. These things are part…I’m trying to…Jeff, would you just shut up for a second? I’m trying to help you out here.

AW, IKE, YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT BALL! THAT’S INEXCUSABLE, IKE! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Jeff, maybe you need to leave the team for a couple days. You know, get your head clear for a little bit. I don’t know, maybe you could round up your butt buddies and go for a little gang bang getaway to Cabo or some…Jeff, no Jeff, look, go ahead and take a few days, buddy. Don’t worry about this stuff here. Go and get yourself the cock that you really need, and we’ll be…Jeff, listen…look, there’s nothing to be angry about, okay? We’ll be here when you get back. Now go, run along. AND FORGET ABOUT FOOTBALL!

HEY, WATCH YOUR FOOTWORK, BRIAN! I WANT QUIET FEET! NONE OF THIS GREGORY HINES SHIT!

I tell ya, you get so much more out of your team when you really know your players.

[blows whistle] ALRIGHT, GUYS, LET’S BRING IT IN!