Brandon Marshall seems like a nice enough guy, and he probably has plenty of friends around the league. But after yesterday he might very well be the most popular player in the league amongst his colleagues. Because fuck, who doesn’t love a guy who not only talks back to Joey Porter, but one who undresses the big moufed asshole with such extraordinary precision.

“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft.”

Marshall went on to describe Porter’s bones as being “filled with marzipan” while his cartilage is “nothing but pretzels.” Of course the young wideout wasn’t done yet.

We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl…

Whoa there, Brandon. I know taking your shirt off in the club is a pretty douchetastic move, but please, try to think of the feelings of others who will hear your words. Right now Vince Young is locked in the bathroom crying his eyes out into his Hello Kitty washcloth!

You done messed up now, Brandon Marshall. Joey Porter is all up in your head. It’s not a pretty place in here, all full of doubts and fears and suppressed homosexual yearnings. JOEY PORTER DON’T FIND THAT NATURAL!

Joey Porter playing mind games with you, just like he did with Jerramy Stevens. Jerramy done some horrible shit in his life and Joey Porter still made him as scared as a old single bitch losing her looks.

WELL NOW YOU THE OLD SINGLE BITCH! FIX YO LOOKS, MARSHALL! WON’T NOBODY MAKE YOU THE WIFE NOW!

People said Joey Porter was finished. Didn’t have nothing left in the tank. Well, I showed they ass. Already tied my career high in sacks. AND WE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON. ONCE I GET CHAD PENNINGTON TO MULTIPLY THAT NUMBER BY TWO FOR ME, I’MMA TELL YOU HOW MANY SACKS I’LL GET!

You’s a soft receiver Brandon Marshall. I could tell when you got hurt by that McDonald’s wrapper. Chad Ocho Cinco eat McDonald’s every meal of his life and not once he been hurt by the wrapper. Maybe that one time he scalded heself with their coffee. BUT THAT WASN’T HIS FAULT! THEIR TAKE-OUT TRAYS ARE POORLY DESIGNED!

Now your quarterback got his sulk mouth going. YOU NEED TO FIX HE SULK MOUF!

Two of the NFL’s most demonstrative and demonstrably crazy linebackers renew their formerly twice-a-year rivalry as a pair of 2-3 teams look to get back to .500. Will there even be a football game or a protracted dance-off after each one jumps on a tackle after it’s already been made? Are the two as loud as they are overrated? Is that even remotely possible? Either way, WHO YA GOT?

Everybody wanna listen when Ed Hochuli screws the Chargers, when Ed Hochuli miss a Reggie Bush facemask pull but DON’T NOBODY wanna listen when Ed Hochuli put on his screw-you shoes and lay the pipe to Joey Porter’s Dolphins. Where’s the integrity of the game?

FIX THE INTEGRITY OF YO GAME!

Officiating, like the Dow Jones, is falling to all-time lows. Joey Porter sees a connection. That’s why we need a Joey Porter referee bailout plan. And that plan is you make Joey Porter special guest referee. Mike Tyson got to do it at Wrestlemania a while back and he told it was the easiest shit he ever did that didn’t involve pushing a bitch down the stairs.

First thing first. Gonna have to be some changes to the referee uniform. I’mma need a striped half shirt to wear, maybe you could lose the sleeves for me too. And instead of throwing flags, I release my pit bulls on offending players. They make sure to bite where your pads ain’t!

THEY GONE FIX YO MOUF!

I guarantee you won’t be seeing any more of Richie Incognito mouthing off to the zebras. That mouth get fixed with the quickness. And Joey Porter ain’t gonna blow no play dead before the ball come loose. Joey Porter gone let ‘em play UNTIL the ball come loose. Then he gonna award possession to whichever team that remembers to show him some RESPECT!

On this much we agree: Something gotta be done about these refs. They don’t even blind offensive linemen with weighted flags no more. Thems was the days. Made it that much easier to get to the quarterback. Joey Porter the referee make sure to blind every lineman. You take that shit to the bank, even if every bank is broke. Joey gone fix them next!

You listen up, Chad Javelin Channel Ocho, when it comes to planting moist awkward pecks on the cheek of head coaches, it’s the exclusive non-negotiable domain of JOEY PORTER. What gives you the right? YOU AIN’T GOT RIGHTS!

When Joey Porter starts a trend, it’s his trend to stay. You don’t see me putting Future H.O.F. jackets on on the sidelines. That’s your thing. Do you, Chad. Do you. Me? I’mma do me. And when I slobbed all over Bill Cowher’s prognathous (JOEY PORTER LOOKED THAT SHIT UP ON ENCARTA) I was doing me. And kinda doing him. Whatever. DON’T SPLIT HAIRS WITH JOEY PORTER!

Now you gone and stole Joey’s thing. Joey don’t feel unique no more. Like he’s another blank head in a faceless crowd. MAMA DIDN’T RAISE NO FACELESS CROWD! YOU AIN’T GOT RIGHTS!

Ooooooohhhhh Joey Porter gonna fix you good. At the same time, I know aggression don’t work on the mentally unhinged. CRAZY RECOGNIZE CRAZY. We gonna let the head games begin. When you make your way in the place, Joey gonna have the stadium music guy cue up “Where’s Your Head At?” BECAUSE NOBODY’LL EXPECT THAT JOEY PORTER LISTENS TO BASEMENT JAXX!

FIX YO MOUF!

Hello? HELLO! Wow, hey, you can hear me! Sweet, because I’m getting sick of all these doctors just staring at me. Get them the fuck out of here. And before CNN comes back, could somebody give me a real haircut for fuck’s sake? Something kinda mod, you know, understated. Like a Mariska Hargitay, maybe. Mmm, damn, she’s hot. I’d eat walnuts out of that bitch’s ass. That is, if the walnuts could fit through this fucking feeding tube.

So Adalius Thomas going to New England is a pretty big deal. That’s just what they needed: a large, black man to help carry Bruschi off the field after his next stroke. It sounds like New England’s also going to get Fire-Cracker Wes Welker signed to an offer sheet. Or maybe they’re just going to implant fingers onto Reche Caldwell’s eyeballs. Either one works for me, really.

It looks like Joey Porter–hey, will you get that fucking balloon out of my face? I’m trying to talk some fucking football, get it out–yeah, yeah, I see the fucking balloon. Get that shit outta here. Assholes. Anyway, a lot of teams will be making a run at everyone’s favorite insane Negro, Joey Porter. My word, that is one scary man. And he’s such an incredible physical specimen to boot. I once heard that his dick is so big, it has its own ACL. Heaven hopes he brings the KY Jelly if he finds his way into my room.

Nate Clements will be the first defensive Ten Million Dollar A Year Man in the NFL’s history. Whatever. I doubt he’ll reach the ass-end of that deal, but the bitches will hear “eighty million dollars” and be impressed. He’s guaranteed $22 mil out of that. The only downside is that now he has to play for San Franciso. Shit’s expensive there.

And what’s the deal with Dre Bly and Dan Wilkinson. Seems like those guys switch teams every–

Wha-what are you doing? Hey, don’t pull that tube out! My food comes in through that motherfucker! Put that tube back! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

You guys are gonna put that back, right?