Peezy don’t pay no mind. Peezy spends he offseason handling he business. Raising up the Junior Peezys to pillars of the community and respect they elders. That’s what Corporate Peezy do now that he made full transition from Gully Peezy. Gully Peezy a thing of the past. Outmoded business model and shit.

Like all corporations, we here at Corporate Peezy, LLC like to set timetables and spreadsheets, ’cause that’s what the game spreads go on. Last year, we made gains. This year, we lookin’ for more gains.

Gains is to the Peezy business model like yo mouf is to fixin’. Inevitably, they be coming together like brand synergy ‘n’ shit.

This the way it go: Peezy shows up to offsite training seminar, he listen to the new plays, then he set out on making the league the Huckleberry. We made a lot teams into Huckleberries last year, but this year we finish the job of full marketplace Hucklebefication. We gotta match our Hucklebefication Yields for Physical Year 2009.

So Corporate Peezy, LLC getting itself ready for its IPO: Initial Peezy Offering.

Before that can happen, he gotsta check where he portfolio be trading at, see where the market forecast be forecastin’.

(more…)

We’ve hit tough economic times. And by we, I mean all peoples not making Peezy cheese. But really, it’s trying for everybody. That means people gots to rethink how they go about they business. Even Peezy. I had postpone this big mouf fixin’ project I had lined up. Pushed that joint back to when financial forecasts are more conducive to the Huckleberries and Peezys alike.

With plan change come basic philosophical change. I’d like to get all hood on you Huckleberries. Show you what a mouf fixin’ from the streets can do fo that ass. Sadly, that’s just not how business is being conducted at the moment. Regular bull market bush league Peezy just don’t fit into the market climate. Need to be more fiduciary. Can’t be fiduciary enough.

So Peezy and the Corporate Joey, we sat down. Hashed it out. Went power lunchin’. FIXED YO PARADIGM. And together, we agreed on a merger, leading to the creation of Corporate Peezy. INITIAL IPO GONE TEAR THAT ASS UP.

Corporate Peezy is gonna put the word on solid economic footing. Corporate Peezy is well versed in supply side economics. IN WHICH I TAKE A GENEROUS SUPPLY OF MY FOOT IN STICK IN YO BACK SIDE!

CRANK CORPORATE PEEZY’S BRAND MUSIC!

(more…)

For a long time, we had a nice thing going here. The AFC East was a real sedate kind of place where Peezys and huckleberries could convene for gentlemanly facebanging and mouf fixing. Nice little corner of the league, even with them self-tainted Patriots stealing dynasties right up out from under my nose.

Nuh-uh. No more. The crazy done been let loose on the Peezy Heezy now that Buffalo went and got them a T.O. Just as soon as we drop a Brett Favre, we infested with the T.O. All I know is it ’bout to get all mediated up in my spot. Now, you know Peezy like to keep it low key. I keep my head down, I play my game, I fix a mouf or two. Can’t be having all this unnecessary courting of the media. It’s bad for the sports and gets moufs going in unappealing ways.

The arrival of T.O. poses a threat to this delicate balance. The balance gets upset, it’s only natural that it reflects itself in my behavior. I WON’T SEE THE PEEZY DIVISION BE ALL TURNED ON ITS HEAD!

(more…)

Day two of Wild Card weekend opens with two AFC teams fond of employing gimmick plays and crazed linebackers. If the teams can negotiate a playing field draped in shoes, it’s to their credit.

Of course, it’s a homecoming of sorts for the Ravens, since half their starters went to the U. Okay, just McGahee, Ray-Ray and Ed Reed, otherwise known as the only Ravens anyone gives a shit about (except Bawlmer fans – they love their Matt Stover! That and McGahee sucks).

So join us in some retarded commentary. Otherwise

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

And Peezy ain’t havin’ that.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

See, Peezy be an appreciative man. He try to soak in the achievement he team has made going from 1-15 to 11-5 division champions. He wants to reflect on leading the AFC in sacks. He like seeing them Patriots and they asterisks at home. He like all bitches in South Beach get excited for a winner.

But then his boy text him saying we underdogs at home in the playoffs. We meaning the Dolphins? The Dolphins meaning Peezy? Aw shit.

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

How some punk-ass Baltimore bitches who can’t even win they own division favored over us? IN OUR HOUSE! WITH A ROOKIE QUARTERBACK WHO SHILLS FOR WENDY’S 3CONOMICS! PEEZYNOMICS SAYS THE MORE I STUFF YO HEAD UP YO ASS SIDEWAYS, THE MORE I GETS MY CHEESE!

You best fix them lines, Vegas. I’mma lay some money on me going Moe Greene on that ass, Vegas.

Don’t let me see anyone take that line. I’mma find all y’all that that bet and –

Tony Sparano: AY, JOEY!

C’MERE A MINUTE, YA EXCITABLE FUCKIN’ MOULIE!

What’d I tell youse about making with the big mouth? This guy, givin’ me the ol’ mal de testa, over here, I swear.

I gots youse running around and making a fuss while we’re trying to work on running the Wildcat formation that didn’t work the first time we played Baltimore.

Porter: They sayin’ we should lose, Tony. Ain’t you a man of respect?

Sparano: I got you respect right here. [Grabs crotch]

Porter: Funny guy. You gonna let Cam Cameron show you up like that?

Sparano: Let me worry ’bout dat. Here, you deal with this guy.

[Hands Porter a mirror]

Porter: What I need this for? Wait, WHO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE PEEZY!?

YOU BITING MY STYLE, BITCH!

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

GET OUT HERE AND FACE ME SO I CAN MAKE YOU THE PRETEND-PEEZY HUCKLEBERRY YOU IS!

LET’S GO!

OH, I’M FIRED UP NOW! IT’S HALF-SHIRT TIME!

WHAT?! HE DID IT TOO! YOU STEALING MY SHIT!

GET AT ME, PEEZY CLONE!

YEAH, YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND TALK! AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT!

QUIT TALKING WHEN I TALK!

You may got fond memories of your time in New York but they was more than ready to cast your ass out to get their big name superstar gunslinger.

The plain truth is:

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

I like you, Chad. You a soft-spoken guy who gets his point across with an economy of words. Maybe I see a lot of myself in you. By seeing you succeed, it’s like seeing myself succeed, even though I am, in fact, actually succeeding when you succeed. Peezy gotta a vested interest, BUT HE’S STILL SINCERE IN HIS SENTIMENT!

THAT’S WHY WE GONNA FIX THEY GUNSLINGER! MAKE HIM THE HUCKLESLINGER!

Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes. Laveranues don’t love you. He still catching them Brett Favre passes ain’t he? He didn’t quit in protest when they cut you. Laveranues just another cutthroat businessman with his own interests in mind. He’d cut your dick off if it meant it triggered an incentive in his contract. MORE RECEIVERS GOT DICK-CHOPPING CLAUSES THAN YOU MIGHT THINK!

You gotta get mad, Chad. No more mild-mannered Pennington gonna do. We need some fire-breathing take-no-prisoners stab-you-in-the-dickhole-with-a-rusty-fishhook Chad. BRING OUT THAT CHAD!

THERE YOU GO! THAT’S RIGHT! GET FIRED UP! GET FIRED UP, CHAD! ACT LIKE SOMEONE STOLE YOUR SPECIAL K AND REPLACED IT WITH BROKE-DICK REGULAR K!

Peezy ready for the stretch. We gonna fix these playoffs. Fix them Jets. Fix them Ravens. Then fix them Steelers. Fix everybody!

Yeah, you heard me right. Peezy been done wrong too! They said he was past his prime. SUN NEVER SETS ON PEEZY PRIME! I still love them Steelers! A DOG’S A DOG FOR LIFE! But the fact of the matter is, they still disrespected my ass by letting me go. PEEZY GONNA GET HIS! Maybe I’ll give LenDale a lesson on kicking Terrible Towels in the dirt! I got a good dirt kick I developed from my sack dance. AND I GOT LOTSA SACKS! SACK YO TOWEL IN THE DIRT! JUST LIKE ODB SAY, GOD MAKE DIRT AND DIRT BUST YA ASS!

Now I just gotta work on Ricky. He seems calmer than usual this week.

FIX YO CALM, RICKY!

FIX YO UGLY!: In a shock of shocks, Joey Porter got into a war of words with the opposing team’s tight end yesterday. In an attempt to make the Huckleberry of Vernon Davis, Porter said the tight end is “the best at being ugly.” Well, what’s Norv Turner the best at, then?

People who’ve never had a gun pointed at them don’t know. They live in naive La-La Land like in the IBM BladeCenter commercials with the crazy animated animals. BUT I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT TOAD IS CARRYING A TOOL! HE READY TO LIGHT YOU UP THE SECOND YOU TURN YO BACK! THEN YOU BE THE SHOT-UP HUCKLEBERRY!

Once you been robbed at gunpoint, that gives you free rein to carry firearms the rest of your life. It may sound counterintuitive that someone who’s been the victim of irresponsible gun use should in turn get a gun themselves, but let me lay out my reasoned reply:

YOU BEEN DISRESPECTED!

YOU NOW ON A LIFELONG QUEST TO REGAIN RESPECT! Even if you do so in ways that run counter to the federal statutes and end up hurting yourself in an embarrassing fashion. Respect is not an exact science. It’s hard to gauge when you’re being properly respected. Lemme tell you: You feel the respect when you carrying a gun in yo sweatpants. THAT GUN IS A TOOL OF SELF-RESPECT! WE SHOULD GIVE THEM TO WOMEN WITH BODY ISSUES SO THEY CAN FEEL GOOD! GET YO GUN FATTIE AND FIX YO CAKE-EATIN’ MOUF!

This kid got the right idea. You goin’ a long way, junior.

Me and Plaxico, we know The Way of the Gun. We watched that movie together when we was on the Steelers. We learned some important lessons: First, that white boy can kind of act. And, second, that if you carry two pistols a la John Woo, that’s TWICE THE RESPECT! That’s why Tank Johnson the most respected man in the league. Ask anyone.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Single coverage? That’s wanton disrespect. Just because until this game our quarterback never looked my way, couldn’t complete a pass of more than 20 yards and I was jogging through my routes, you commit only one defender to me? Might as well slap my mom across the face with your cock after you wrote “disrespect” on it with a marker you stole from my house.

All I’m saying is any less than six defenders on me is making a mockery of the game. You should have all 53 of your men on the field covering me, with the coach operating little flying robotic drones to help them out. Anything less is a huge breach of the Randy Moss Code. That’s something I apply to all facets of my life.

For example, I get home after the game, and there’s my girl, chained up just like I left her. And get this: She begs for single penetration. Not when Randy brought over Jabar Gaffney for celebration time. Bitch must’ve lost her damn mind. That’s when I hit her. Not once, but twice. Can’t be having this “one” shit.

[Oversensitive door flies open]

WHO THE FUCK TRYING TO PLAY THE DISRESPECT CARD? YOU AIN’T J-PEEZY!

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

BEST BE FIXING THAT MOUF! You motherfuckers only won ’cause you cheated! You had tapes and shit! You might not have been filming during the game, but you got archives and shit. Bet you got cameras all over my house. My! House! I’mma gut that place Conversation-style until I find ‘em. Tear up the kids’ stuffed animals ’cause I know that’s where you hid them. Bet you never thought I’d look there.

WELL JOEY PORTER WILL LOOK THERE! HE’LL TEAR THOSE STUFFED ANIMALS NEW ASSHOLES AND MAKE HUCKLEBERRIES OF HIS KIDS ONCE THEY START CRYING!

Can you believe that motherfucker Tony Sparano? Tried to take Peezy out the game? You can’t take Peezy out the game and you can’t take the game outta Peezy! I’ll take his dese-dem-dose mouf and FIX THAT SHIT GOOD. MAYBE ADD SOME LIGHTS ON IT FOR THE HOLIDAYS! PEEZY GETS FESTIVE TOO!

I tell you Patriots, we got UNFINISHED BUSINESS. When you cross Joey Porter, there forms a grudge that festers until I deliver retribution tenfold upon you. YOU’VE ONLY GOTTEN ONEFOLD OF THE RETRIBUTION SO FAR! YOU AIN’T DONE YET!

Joey Porter has always been called a hothead and I do tend to talk. But I have been mellowed by the wisdom of age. Being a father has given me a lot of perspective. I try to teach my son the lessons of his father, that in this life there’s nothing more important THAN RESPECT! AND HALF-SHIRTS! YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE! THEY SHOW OFF YOUR POPCORN MUSCLES LIKE NOTHING ELSE!

My son knows when he gets out of line I FIX HIS MOUF WIF SOAP! But he also knows I got his back when people don’t show him RESPECT!

Just the other week, I was watching at his pee-wee game and the other coach kept starters in when their team was up 27-0. Then they scored again. He ran up the score on my kid. He pulled a motherfucking Belchick on my son. Joey Porter AIN’T HAVING THAT SHIT.

I walked up to him, kindly explained my objection, noted the age of the participants, made a level-headed plea for sanity. THEN I REELED BACK AND SOCKED HIS ASS IN THE MOUF. THEN I SLASHED HIS FUCKING TIRES! I EVEN LET MY KID SLASH ONE! THAT’S IMPORTANT LIFE EXPERIENCE!

So it’s crucial that I continue my advice giving to the Patriots this Sunday. My son got to know that no perceived slight can go without being repeatedly and excessively punished. All’s a man’s got in his RESPECT and his MOUF!