Inconceivable! What could be worse than the letdown of having your team win all of its regular season and playoff games only to fall short in the Super Bowl? How about having them slink away from a golden opportunity for a perfect season, thus allowing a borderline team entry to the postseason. Said 9-7 team then advances to defeat the almost undefeated team at home in the conference championships. The fallout: fat humps spend an eternity wondering if they would have had a perfect season if only their team had the balls to go for it. And in doing so, they turn on a GM that they’ve always smugly claimed is better than yours.

The Patriots, dicksmacks though they may have been, at least tried all the way through the season, even if it meant stumbling at the end. The Colts will have suffered justice most poetic. Knowing that Goodell groused about them laying down at the end of the season, The Rog might not exactly mind moneymaker Manning getting denied another shot at a title.

Not saying it’s going to happen. In fact, I already picked Indy to win earlier this week. But then, I picked the Chargers to go to the Super Bowl before the season started, so what do I know?

Cashier: Here you are, sir. That’s two double cheeseburgers, a spicy chicken sandwich, two regular fries, one order of onion rings, a strawberry shake and three side sugar pies. Total comes to $21.56.

Derek from Munchie: Yea-heah! Sugar pies! Killer! Our governor bet that loser governor from Maryland that we would give up our awesome Indiana sugar pies if the Colts lost. Suckers! Colts weren’t gonna lose. They had to know that. Now we got their old team, plus we get to keep our sugar pies.

Cashier: I’m glad we kept our sugar pies. Now could you-

Derek from Munchie: Bet yer sweet ass you are! [Honks horn in rhythm] UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND!

[Cars behind him honk]

Derek: They feel it! They totally feel it! United We Stand is the slogan the Colts came up with for the playoffs. It’s so deep and meaningful. Because we as Colts Nation are a singular force hellbent on bringing home the grail. When we put our minds to something, nothing can stop us.

[Throws up The Shoe]

Cashier: Please. You’re holding up the line.

Derek: Line? For Sunday? Colts favored by 8. Kinda low if you ask me. Should be at least 12. By the way, Bill Polian is such a genius. He knew that by letting the Jets get into the playoffs, they would take care of the pesky Chargers for us, then we could beat them to advance to the Super Bowl. Last year, the Steelers were just lucky to play an 8-8 team and a 11-5 team on the way to the title. We got two 9-7 teams in the playoffs because we think ahead. Like Peyton, who is always at least six steps ahead of the defense.

Also, do you know where the Super Bowl is this year? Miami. THAT’S WHERE WE WON IT LAST TIME. I just heard that they’re changing the name of that stadium again. What’s the point? Just make it Manning Stadium because Peyton wins all his titles there. But then the Miami people would probably just complain ’cause they’re jealous. I’ve never been there, but I bet it probably sucks. They have crime and we don’t.

Cashier: Okay. I’m glad you’re happy about the Colts, but

Derek: Everybody knows Indiana is the shit right now. We even got that awesome show Parks & Recreation set here. It’s SO funny. Like, every time they suggest Indiana is a drab and miserable place, I laugh so freakin’ hard, ’cause I know they don’t really mean that. Why else would they set it here?

REGGIE!

NBC, a company based in NEW YORK, makes a hit show about Indiana. That just proves they wish they were us. Jets fans obviously do. Just wait until Battleship Manning (my killer new nickname for him) drops bombs on Revis Island. Then he pulls up to the port of Miami.

[Another Shoe]

Cashier: New York has TV shows too.

Derek: Yeah, but they’re gay. What show is set in New York? 30 Rock? What’s the deal with that show? It has that woman who used to be on Saturday Night Live and now all she’s doing is making fun of SNL. Bitch. That’s dumb anyway, because SNL is awesome. Especially when Peyton Manning hosts it, which he should do every week. Who wouldn’t watch that?

Cashier: I don’t know, but could you just pay your total now?

Derek: Hold up – does your company take donations for Haiti? I was watching the game on Saturday and they kept mentioning that Pierre Gar-kon comes from there, which is important now because there was a flood or something. I don’t know exactly. But I want to help because GAR-KON is awesome. It would help if it wasn’t called Haiti. Sounds like HATE. Better off with Garkonia. Then more Colts fans would shell out. We could send Battleship Manning with supplies.

Cashier: You know what? Take the food. No charge. Just go.

Derek: What? Free food! AW, KILLER SWEET! Thanks lady. I’m so coming back tomorrow.

Mood: Buoyant??????
Song: “Bad Days,” The Flaming Lips

The Phillies are on the verge of ending the 25-year Philly title drought. It’s gonna happen! I’m so deliriously not sad that I could venture -get this! – outside the house. Look at all the cool stuff out here. Sunshine! Birds! People not conspiring to make my life miserable! Where’s all this been?

I’m almost…wait, hold the phone. The sides of my mouth, extending in at upwards angle? Can it do that? Are the legends true?

As much as I know the Rays are a tough team, recent history is on the Phillies’ side. This decade has repeatedly awarded long-suffering franchises. The Red Sox and the White Sox got theirs. Sure, the Indians the Cubs got turned back in the post-season, but there’s precedent! Sweet, sweet precedent.

C’mon Hamels! You gotta do this one for me, Chutley! I can’t go back to putting all my hopes on the Iggles. Andy Reid is trying to kill me. I have better luck with girls than he does with goal line offense. I hammer it in more often. Oh God, how sweet it will be. A title will give the lease on life I need to be such an abject pussy. It’s true! I know! But things are changing!

Goddamit Fightins’ You have to do this. DeSean Jackson is the kind of tard who would drop a gun at a crime scene. The Flyers will find a way to fuck it up. Oh no, darkness is descending again. Back in the house! Back in the house!

We’ve had more than a sneaking suspicion all along that it might come to this, and now we’re at least hoping for a mercifully competitive game out of these two teams. And at least one mildly amusing commercial wouldn’t hurt either. Because we don’t get another meaningful football game for another seven goddamn months and I’m not quite ready to deal with that.

Either way, history is tied to New England today. If they win, they’re the first 19-0 team ever in the NFL. If they lose, it’s the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time. A Giants win is an inspiring and unlikely title run, but ultimately replicating a feat the Steelers pulled off two years earlier. And Pey-Pey and Eli have something to go with their matching decoder rings.

Enjoy whatever boozy party you happen to visit. If you’re gonna drive drunk, make sure to mow down any celebrating Pats fans you might see in the street. No worries; no jury will convict you.

Moving on, let’s take a look at this week’s best offerings. As always, I’m a genius and you should feel compelled to do whatever I tell you. I swear I’ll start winning again one day (this is much harder than the NBA).

Arizona +3.5 at Cincinnati
Risking 30 to win 25

Oh that cute, the Bengals are giving points against a team that’s not the Ravens or the Jets. Cinci is falling apart faster than Umuofia and Chris Henry’s stabilizing influence only goes so far.

St. Louis -3 at San Francisco
Risking 27.5 to win 25

Holy crap, the Niners are fucking abysmal. The Rams aren’t all the way back but I’d take a team of crippled deaf midgets coached by a 12 year-old hepatitis ravaged whore as long as they were playing Alex Smith Trent Dilfer.

On a final note, while I am precluded from betting against my Redskins (especially during Dallas week) that does not mean you should abstain. Without Sean Taylor and Santana Moss the Redskins are walking into a slaughterhouse filled with smallpox.

…ok, I mailed this one in a bit. But I was busy seeing No Country For Old Men last night. I’ll tell you what I thought of it as soon as I read TBL’s review.

I hate making homer bets the way conservative politicians hate hot stinky man-ass. But sometimes the urge for that sweet sweet action builds inside of you like a a benign tumor. Last week I tempted fate and bet against the Patriots for the first time this season. Of course I did it because I’m a pathetic fucking homer who should know better by now. There was no way that my Redskins could lose by such an expansive margin as 17 points!

Yep, I’m a dipshit…but at least I’m not Gregg Williams. Fuck that guy. After all, I did profit off of the three other investments.

Fortunately all of that is behind us. It’s a new week and I’m ready to get back with the Rent Checks Patriots.

New England -6 at Indianapolis
(Risking 100 to win 91)

The Colts are playing as well as ever having won twelve straight. They’ve enjoyed a great deal of recent success against the team they are hosting…and they’re getting six points. It’s unfuckingreal when you think about it, but that’s all meaningless right now. New England is the hot shit and everybody knows that they’re untouchable.

They remind me of the aliens at the beginning of Independence Day. They don’t seem to worry about anything, they just chill up in the stratosphere and blow shit up on a whim. You can throw all you have at them if you so choose, but it will just blow up in your face. What we need is a Jeff Goldblum. Some brilliant scientific mind who can send a virus through their impenetrable defenses. Unfortunately Tony Dungy is not a man of science, he’s a man of god. He probably doesn’t even believe in aliens.

I hope that this jinx and my monetary sacrifice will appease the Gods and bring about the downfall of New England…but I’d also take the money (if they win and don’t cover the Potomac will run red with kitten blood).

Lighten the Mood Parlay!
(Risk 25 to win 153)

Washington -4 at New York Jets
They aren’t that bad. Are they?

Buffalo +1 vs. Cincinnati
If these two cities didn’t have NFL franchises would you even know they existed?

Cleveland -1.5 vs. Seattle
All hail Horse Balls.

Enjoy your weekend.

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals’ defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?