Or at least it will after another eight-hour hype injection.

We’ve had more than a sneaking suspicion all along that it might come to this, and now we’re at least hoping for a mercifully competitive game out of these two teams. And at least one mildly amusing commercial wouldn’t hurt either. Because we don’t get another meaningful football game for another seven goddamn months and I’m not quite ready to deal with that.

Either way, history is tied to New England today. If they win, they’re the first 19-0 team ever in the NFL. If they lose, it’s the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time. A Giants win is an inspiring and unlikely title run, but ultimately replicating a feat the Steelers pulled off two years earlier. And Pey-Pey and Eli have something to go with their matching decoder rings.

Enjoy whatever boozy party you happen to visit. If you’re gonna drive drunk, make sure to mow down any celebrating Pats fans you might see in the street. No worries; no jury will convict you.

“Shouldn’t've ordered all that dick”

Which is only slightly less gay than carrying the dog around in this bag.

Even though we revel in bagging on the guy whenever possible, Simmons’ column this week was actually, truth to tell, pretty good and well-reasoned. That must be his first one this season. If you’re a Pats fan - and fuck you if you are - that’s gotta be a troubling sign.

But leave it to The Onion to trump him with the concise and very real insight into the minds of Pats fans this week. I’m sure Silky Garrard will receive only the most levelheaded and gentlemanly of heckling from the Gillette Stadium crowd.

Of course, I’m gonna go ahead and say there’s no fucking chance in hell Jacksonville wins this game. Are they just plain not good enough to beat the Pats? Perhaps. But more so because the league will do whatever it takes to ensure that the New England-Indianapolis AFC Title Game goes down. If this game is even remotely close, be sure to take a shot every borderline call (or non-call) that goes the Patriots’ way. Just don’t have your relatives sue the site when you die of alcohol poisoning.

That’s right, God. Sorry, you can’t do it. We defy you to try, but it’s futile. An undefeated season is inevitable now. We guarantee it. Might as well start playing that annoying music from “The Departed” on loop in heaven.

Welcome to the Week 11 edition of Always Be Covering. Last week was not good times…no, not good at all. So yeah, we’re closing in on the one week mark and I’ve built up more pressure than Javier Bardem’s cattle gun.

Moving on, let’s take a look at this week’s best offerings. As always, I’m a genius and you should feel compelled to do whatever I tell you. I swear I’ll start winning again one day (this is much harder than the NBA).

Arizona +3.5 at Cincinnati
Risking 30 to win 25

Oh that cute, the Bengals are giving points against a team that’s not the Ravens or the Jets. Cinci is falling apart faster than Umuofia and Chris Henry’s stabilizing influence only goes so far.

St. Louis -3 at San Francisco
Risking 27.5 to win 25

Holy crap, the Niners are fucking abysmal. The Rams aren’t all the way back but I’d take a team of crippled deaf midgets coached by a 12 year-old hepatitis ravaged whore as long as they were playing Alex Smith Trent Dilfer.

On a final note, while I am precluded from betting against my Redskins (especially during Dallas week) that does not mean you should abstain. Without Sean Taylor and Santana Moss the Redskins are walking into a slaughterhouse filled with smallpox.

…ok, I mailed this one in a bit. But I was busy seeing No Country For Old Men last night. I’ll tell you what I thought of it as soon as I read TBL’s review.

I hate making homer bets the way conservative politicians hate hot stinky man-ass. But sometimes the urge for that sweet sweet action builds inside of you like a a benign tumor. Last week I tempted fate and bet against the Patriots for the first time this season. Of course I did it because I’m a pathetic fucking homer who should know better by now. There was no way that my Redskins could lose by such an expansive margin as 17 points!

Yep, I’m a dipshit…but at least I’m not Gregg Williams. Fuck that guy. After all, I did profit off of the three other investments.

Fortunately all of that is behind us. It’s a new week and I’m ready to get back with the Rent Checks Patriots.

New England -6 at Indianapolis
(Risking 100 to win 91)

The Colts are playing as well as ever having won twelve straight. They’ve enjoyed a great deal of recent success against the team they are hosting…and they’re getting six points. It’s unfuckingreal when you think about it, but that’s all meaningless right now. New England is the hot shit and everybody knows that they’re untouchable.

They remind me of the aliens at the beginning of Independence Day. They don’t seem to worry about anything, they just chill up in the stratosphere and blow shit up on a whim. You can throw all you have at them if you so choose, but it will just blow up in your face. What we need is a Jeff Goldblum. Some brilliant scientific mind who can send a virus through their impenetrable defenses. Unfortunately Tony Dungy is not a man of science, he’s a man of god. He probably doesn’t even believe in aliens.

I hope that this jinx and my monetary sacrifice will appease the Gods and bring about the downfall of New England…but I’d also take the money (if they win and don’t cover the Potomac will run red with kitten blood).

Lighten the Mood Parlay!
(Risk 25 to win 153)

Washington -4 at New York Jets
They aren’t that bad. Are they?

Buffalo +1 vs. Cincinnati
If these two cities didn’t have NFL franchises would you even know they existed?

Cleveland -1.5 vs. Seattle
All hail Horse Balls.

Enjoy your weekend.

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals’ defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?

Feb. 2008. The New England Patriots gather at midfield of the Pink Taco to celebrate the franchise’s fourth Super Bowl title following a convincing victory over [random NFC team, doesn't really matter which].

Terry Bradshaw: Straightaway, here: congratulations, Tom. You’ve just joined Joe Montana and myself as the only quarterbacks to win four Super Bowl titles. It’s really the consummate New England Patriots story, isn’t it, Tom?

Tom Brady: Absolutely, Terry. All season long everybody counted us in. I mean, every single person, pundit, blogger, commentariat, columnist, analyst, ornithologist, fan, wives of fans, the actor Chris Cooper, the hip-hop group Little Brother - they all expected this, well before training camp even started. We came into the season favorites; presumptive, prohibitive favorites. We were the subject of unremitting and fawning media coverage. Just really mawkish and grandiose stuff. There’d've been pressure, but it was all just so damn easy.

Bradshaw: And what a gritty, character-driven Patriots-type effort, right Tom?

Brady: Oh, you bet, Terry. Who knew that a team of preening superstars with terrible personalities could congeal for a title run? This team went out and paid big money for one of the top linebackers in the game, along with two heralded number one receivers, one of which is a known clubhouse cancer. Our running back is a touted first-round phenom. We have the dirtiest player in the game, Rodney Harrison. Our coach cheats on his wife. Our most recent first round pick likes to engage in fucking gun fights on campus and stomp on Ned. And I’ve impregnated at least a half dozen women out of wedlock. I’m really going for Ray Charles territory with all my illegitimate children. I just want to give a perfunctory speech up here so I can get back to knocking bitches up. Bridget, Gisele, Natalie, Xiochita: stop calling me for money to raise those kids. My receivers don’t expect me to run downfield and block for them after I complete a pass, do they?

So, yeah, isn’t that what hard-nosed football is all about?

Bradshaw: And the fans? How does this feel for all the Patriots fans out there?

Brady: I tell you, more relief than anything. God bless them, they’re such an expectant bunch of spoiled little pizza-tossing shits. They went through decades of utter irrelevance and now we gotta deliver this every year or we’re met with indignant disbelief and bitter recriminations.

Bradshaw: Thanks, Tom. C’mon, celebrate Patriots, you’re champs of the NFL once again! I hope the next season is as devoid of drama as this one!