Jimmy Johnson shouldn’t have to speak to lowly bloggers. He is, after all, the only man to coach a team to a Super Bowl victory and an NCAA championship. (Some people claim that Barry Switzer also achieved the feat, but in truth the Super Bowl XXX-winning Cowboys were Johnson’s team operating on auto-pilot). Yes, two Super Bowl rings, a gig as the non-jackass on Fox’s NFL studio show, and a spot as a contestant on this fall’s “Survivor” should place Johnson above meeting with someone who once created a Photoshop of him getting raped by a robot.

Alas, Jimmy Johnson is promoting the Jimmy Bowl, a Crown Royal-sponsored contest in which fans can submit videos in order to win a trip to Dallas and get coached by Johnson in a flag-football game at Cowboys Stadium. (Second place is stabbed in the throat with scissors by Michael Irvin.) So that’s how I — a full-time blogger and wholly inept interviewer — ended up at the Empire State Building last week, quickly scrapping my list of ExtenZe-related boner questions when I realized there would be two women in the room for the duration of the meeting.

The following transcript is edited for length and clarity.

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Outwit, Outplay, Outcoach A source tells ESPN that Jimmy Johnson of Fox NFL Sunday will join the next cast of Survivor on CBS. This leaves NBC scrambling to find a role for the former NFL and college coach on their network. I hear the Greendale Human Beings could use a new football coach. And unlike Survivor, the Community people would probably let him bring all the hair product and Extenze pills he wants. [ESPN]

HOW BE YE, LANDLUBBING COW RANCHERS!? Buried deep within this Dan Le Batard column about how all coaches in pro sports are miserable (shocker!) and how icons like Jimmy Johnson are only truly happy after they leave the game and spend their millions on a languorous post-career lifestyle that includes frolicking underwater with porpoises and buying new boats every six months, lies this nugget: “[wife] Rhonda organizes the house parties with themes. Pirates are next, for example.” Sure, pirate parties sound like a lark, Jimmy. UNTIL THEY WENT AND GOT GOVERNING RESPONSIBILITIES. Hello, stressers.

Jimmy Johnson owns two Super Bowl rings, which he won while the head football coach with the Dallas Cowboys. He owns an NCAA championship ring, which he won while the head coach with the Miami Hurricanes. He’s best known these days as a commentator for the NFL on Fox Pregame Show, where he joins Curt Menefee, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Michael Strahan to analyze the day’s football games.

I’m listening.

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