Int. Owner’s Lounge at FedEx Field

[Mike Holmgren enters with his wife and daughter]

Jim Zorn: Attention everyone, if you’d please take a moment to welcome our guests of honor, Kathy and Calla Holmgren!

[polite applause]

Jim Zorn: And hello to you, Coach. I’m so happy you could all make it here for this send-off.

Mike Holmgren: Hey it’s my pleasure, Jim. We can’t thank you enough for arranging this get-together.

Zorn: Oh it wasn’t me, you have Mr. Snyder to thank for that. I’m not sure why, but he sure seemed eager to get you here tonight.

Holmgren: Oh really? How…odd. So where is the little fella.

Zorn: He’ll be along…shortly.

[Both men enjoy a hearty laugh]

Holmgren: So why do you think he arranged all this?

Zorn: I’m not sure, but he sure seems eager to impress. He even catered the event based on your dietary needs.

Holmgren: You mean…

Zorn: That’s right, he must really like you. That smell you’ve undoubtedly noticed is a buffet fully stocked with bait fish.

Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]

Zorn: That’s right, follow your nose and you’ll find the food. It’s right over there behind Les Carpenter’s head.

[Mr. Snyder enters with Vinny Cerrato on his heels]

Snyder: Is he here?

Zorn: Yes sir, Coach Holmgren just arrived. He’s over at the buffet.

Snyder: Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to have a chat with our guests.

[Snyder leaves to mingle, Cerrato stays behind]

Zorn: Shouldn’t you be going with him, Vinny?

Cerrato: Don’t you see what’s going on here?

Zorn: Excuse me?

Cerrato: Haven’t you stopped to wonder why Mr. Snyder was so eager to get Holmgren in the building?

Zorn: Mutual respect?

Cerrato: No you clod, he’s clearly courting the fat man.

Zorn: Courting him for what?

Cerrato: To take our jobs. Both of them!

Zorn: Ha. I think your imagination is getting the better of you once again, Vinny. Coach Holmgren is my mentor, if he was considering a return to the NFL I think I’d be the first to know.

Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] I WANT TO COME BACK TO THE NFL.

Zorn: Okay, fine. But he’d never come after my job.

Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] THIS PLACE IS NICE, AND THE FOOD IS GOOD. ARE THEY HIRING?

Cerrato: See?

[Snyder and Holmgren adjourn to the owner's private office]

Zorn: Fuck me.

Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Jason Campbell — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?

[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez's facial features with his hands]

Cerrato: He’s real.

[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]

Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.

Sanchez: That sounds…cool.

[A waitress approaches]

Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?

Zorn: Beer.

Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.

Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.

Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.

Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.

Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes

Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.

Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.

Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.

Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!

Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.

Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.

Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.

Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.

Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.

Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.

[The waitress sets down everyone's drinks]

Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?

Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.

Sanchez: Uh…thank you?

[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]

Fan: HEY COOCH, WHAT’RE YA DOIN HERE WITH THAT QUARTEEBACK FROM USC? WE’VE ALREADY GOT A QUARTEEBACK COOCH, YA GOTTA GIVE COOOLT A SHOT. HE’S A CORE REDSKIN!

Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?

Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?

Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.

Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.

Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!

Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.

Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.

Snyder: Very good, Vinny.

[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]

Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.

Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.

Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.

[Silence]

Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?

Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.

Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.

Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.

Zorn: What?

Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.

Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]

Zorn: This is ridiculous.

Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.

Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.

Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?

Vinny: [Swallows more ice]

“When you look directly at an insane man all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he’s insane, which is not to see him at all. To see him you must see what he saw and when you are trying to see the vision of an insane man, an oblique route is the only way to come at it. Otherwise your own opinions block the way…”

Bad MS Paint courtesy of Flubby, with a little help from magic.
Video via FanHouse

Greetings from the Meadowlands, I’m here live with Washington’s coach Jim Zorn just minutes before his team is scheduled to begin the season against one of last season’s NFC Wildcard teams. He’s granted us a few moments for some questions before taking the field.

UM: Hi Coach Zorn, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Zorn: [watching Failure to Launch on DVD] Hey, no problem, I’m just going over some film.

UM: You mean you’re watching a movie.

Zorn: Gotta stay relaxed man. No reason to get all worried about the game, we’ve got this.

UM: Do you feel you and your team are ready for the start of the season.

Zorn: Totally, man. We’re gonna be great, the team’s relaxed.

UM: And that’s why you’re watching a Matthew McConaughey movies in your office?

Zorn: Somethin’ about that guy, man, I just love his attitude towards life. Except for the high school girls part. That I can’t condone. Publicly. [winks]

UM: I swear to God, if you fuck this up I’m going to make your life a living hell.

Zorn: How do you mean, broseph?

UM: Have you ever seen Cape Fear?

Zorn: Was McConaughey in it?

UM: Fuck.