Well, here we are.  Another week of people revealing their weird fantasies and oversharing their messed up lives.  Oh, and asking football questions.  Can’t forget about the football.

I’m relieved to say that there’s no discussion of HPV this week, but you can catch everything else after the jump.

A girl I’m seeing stuck her finger in my ass recently. Just the tip up to the first knuckle – but it was unmistakably a finger in my anus. I can’t say I liked it, but it took her asking me if I liked it for me to tell her that I did not. Does this make me a pussy, or worse, gay?

Also, is LT a 1st rd fantasy pick in ’09?

Sincerely,
Puckering in Punxsutawney

There’s nothing wrong with liking something you like.  If you happen to like a finger in your ass, that’s cool.  If it makes you uncomfortable — and, as much as I try to be adventuresome, it makes me uncomfortable — then that’s that.  But straights can have ass play, too, y’know.  Don’t be such a meatheaded homophobic ass.

LT could be a decent late-first round pick, but I wouldn’t take him.  Of course, I could be egregiously wrong… or LT could be largely ineffective and/or get injured (like every 30-year-old RB) before Darren Sproles takes over.

Hey Kids,

First up, sex question, I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me. hell I even like when they chat back at me. I’m not interested in guys, so is this wrong of me?

I wouldn’t say “wrong” so much as “inherently gay.”  But if no one’s getting hurt and it works for you, hey, live it up.  Of course, your next girlfriend might not feel the same way.

Football, what are the real chances the Ravens run away with the AFC North?

Thanks,
Web Cam Fun

“Run away”?  None whatsoever.  In fact, that’s patently ridiculous.  But they have a realistic chance of winning the division and/or going to the playoffs.  Which is enough to make you seem like a prick for even asking.

Fellas,
I’ve got a question that’s more relationship-based than sex-based. (I know, I’m gay, blah blah blah.) My girlfriend and I recently got engaged after 5 years of dating, but I royally screwed up the proposal. I didn’t get down on one knee, I didn’t talk to her parents beforehand, and I didn’t even have a dinner reservation lined up for afterwards. She said yes and is excited to get married, but she gets more and more bummed out about the proposal every time someone asks how it happened and she has to relive the disappointment. So I have promised I’ll make it up to her and do whatever it takes to make her feel better.

[Chunk of text edited out -- BE SUCCINCT, ASSHOLES] What should I do to make her forget my crappy proposal? (Note that I’m basically broke, so the cheaper the idea, the better.)

That was waaaaay too long, so here’s a quick football query: What the fuck is going on with the 49ers QB situation? I will go apeshit if Pants-Down Singletary trots out Shaun Fucking Hill again.
-John D.

Well, aren’t you just the thoughtless asshole.  And now you want some people who don’t know anything about your fiancee to give you some magical yet inexpensive romantic flourish that will make amends.

Impossible.

Of course, if she ever takes the ring off — say, in the shower or to do dishes — that would be a good time to steal it from her.  And then she’ll freak out, and you can tell her to calm down and see if she left it in the bedroom.  And in the bedroom is where you spelled out “I love you” in rose petals, and she’ll see it and turn around, and there you are on one knee, with the ring, ready with an apology and an appropriate proposal.

Blech.

Anyway, the 49ers QB situation is fucked.  This is well documented.  Hope for a trade to get a mediocre journeyman.

Dear Testicle Twiddlers,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now, things are going great, but she’s saving it til marriage.  I had a healthy sex life going into the relationship, but we’ve been hanging out at third forever.  Since she’s not a religious wackjob and is pretty good at thing in the bedroom not involving my genitalia in a nether orifice, I’ve accepted it. She’s graduating soon but plans on pursuing further education and has said that she wasn’t going to get married until she was done with school.  I, however, feel compelled to further shackle my manhood and put a ring on her finger… So, my question: is it better to propose soon (I’ve been saving up) and risk a prolonged engagement with a slim chance of getting together sooner, or should I wait her schooling out and have a relatively shorter “in between” period.  I’m confident that I’m not rushing things because of my desire to slide home…

So essentially, you’re thinking about asking for someone’s hand in marriage in the slim hopes that you’ll get laid for the first time in three years.  In other countries, I’d give you a gun with one bullet and leave the room.

Wait to ask.  That gives you more time to be save up and be sure about your decision, however ill-advised it may be.  And besides, prolonged engagements are gay.

Football: AFC North.  How good is Flacco, really?  As a lifelong Steelers fan, it seems as if a few good Ravens players are keeping us away from total long-term domination of the division since Cincy and Cleveland can’t seem to pull out of their death spiral.

Peace, love and Choco Tacos.
~James, VA

(P.S. Fix yo’ twitter!)

“Oh, boo hoo hoo!  We’ve won two Super Bowls in four years, but our team has to face a difficult divisional rival that we usually beat!”  Heartbreaking story.

Hard to make a definitive judgment after just one season, but Flacco is at least solid, and maybe excellent.  And he’s already cut his teeth in the playoffs (with two wins and that horrible performance against the Steelers), so he’s only going to get better.  OH NOES!  The Steelers will have to STAY an excellent team in order to keep winning Super Bowls!

Dear Christmas Ape and his homo friends,

Oh, okay.  I see how it’s going to be.

So this Braylon Edwards to the Giants thing is in the news.  I’m in favor of it if only because they have 10 picks and 5 open roster spots, so they might as well roll the dice on a wideout who’s made it to the Pro Bowl since they’ll end up cutting half those picks anyway.  What’s your guys’ take on the trade?

Need your opinion validated, huh?  Sure.  What you said.

As for sex, is it pathetic to go on JDate?

No.

The lapsed Catholic I’m dating isn’t putting out, and my mother will pay for the JDate membership because she hates all the lapsed Catholics I date.

Allow me to change my answer to “yes.”

Still, we all know that the Internet eliminates the thrill of romantic conquest. What do you guys say?

-Bobby W.

I say there was an outside shot of people respecting you before you admitted that your mother has offered to pay for your Internet dating service.  But then again, I am but a mere Gentile.  Let’s go to KSK resident Jew Unsilent Majority:

“Sadly, this is not an uncommon practice.”

So go for it, I guess.  People meet on the Internet all the time and have sex and sometimes even get married.  Be a pioneer!  Break down those societal hang-ups about Internet dating.  Oh, and be sure to tell that lapsed Catholic when you break up with her that Mommy’s paying for your JDate membership.  It will remove any and all sting of getting dumped.

Hi peeps,

Football (always) first: I’m terrible at fantasy drafting. I have rigidly stuck to the RB, RB, QB, WR method the last few years (except for last year when I went RB, RB, Kevin Smith… and what a great decision that was…) but it’s not working for me. Can you recommend a different draft strategy? I’m willing to try anything!

Your problem is you’re drafting like it’s 2004.  Most teams use the ol’ running back by committee system, and even the biggest workhorses often get capped at 20-25 touches.  The net result is that other positions have increased in value.  Is it really imperative that you get, say, Julius Jones with your second pick instead of Larry Fitzgerald or Drew Brees?   No.

It’s idiotic to stay within rigid parameters.  Pay attention to what value is available at which positions, and draft accordingly.

Sex: My gf is both ridiculously hot and incredible in the sack BUT if you look up ‘Hard Fucking Work’ in the dictionary there is a picture of her. Sometimes I’m so sick of dealing with her daily mini crises (i.e. I didn’t sms her back inside five minutes so wtf is my problem? But of course, when she doesn’t get back to me all day that’s a-ok) that I seriously consider jacking her in. Should I stay my frustration just because she’s ruined me for other women (in bed) or should I kick her to the curb and go marry a nun?

Keep up the good work,
Sanchez

What?  A very attractive woman is a high-maintenance pain in the ass?  Quelle surprise! You, my friend, are existing in what many people call “the real world.”  I hope you brought a coat — it gets cold here.

What it comes down to is your own happiness.  If you can put up with the annoying stuff and revel in the sex, keep on keepin’ on.  If not, take a lot of pictures before you dump her, and enjoy the memories. As you move forward, sex with other people will still be enjoyable.  I promise.