I know how you Internet chucklecocks like to vicariously live through my life. That’s just fine. If I spent my time committing the sin of pleasuring myself at the office while trying to ignore the 300-pound office manager telling me about her nephew’s rained out tee-ball game from over the weekend, you can damn sure bet I’d be envious and resentful of men who decided not to squander the precious gift of life.

But The Good Lord instructs us not to judge, so it’s not my place to condemn you sorry spoonfuls of nutria shit, no matter how pathetic your groveling might get. I leave that to Him.

However, it has come to my attention that many of you Christ love thieves have been clamoring for my reaction to Tim Tebow being drafted by the Denver Donkeycunts. I don’t know why. Don’t none of you have anything to do with your pissant lives? Isn’t there some porno jigsaw puzzle you could be doing instead? Would that titillate you, you sickening perverts?

Is it because, like me, he too is a man of faith? Is that it? Look, I welcome all those who carry the faith. Even the ones who suck at quarterbacking. But, if I may, I would like to say just one thing about Mr. Tebow. And that is…

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JESUSBACK JERSEY MOST POPULAR GRAVEN IMAGE EVER. Since being drafted last month by Cartman’s father, Tim Tebow’s jersey has rocketed to the top of the sales list, even outpacing that of new Redskin Donovan McNabb. That may not sound that impressive, but McNabb has received the support of Justin Bieber, which means every family with little girls has bought two of them, because Caitlin isn’t sharing with her bitch sister.

Finally, they found a way to take a perfectly enjoyable activity like watching the entire NFL Draft over a two-day drunken stupor and needlessly change it so viewers have to create elaborate plans to watch it in staggered installments with their friends. Better yet, they made it so you can’t even really get trashed during the most exciting part because people have to work the next day! Thanks, tardwits.

Maj, Punte, Andrew Dice Magary and myself are holed up in KOGOD’s palatial Bethesda, Md. estate watching the broadcast, so if the live blog suddenly goes down, you’ll know it was because of a runaway lacrosse game gone destructive.

With still extant but mostly discounted rumors suggesting that the Redskins could trade up for a quarterback, the Vikings maybe taking Tim Tebow, the Bengals eying add yet another troubled project in Dez Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger possibly getting dealt to some shitty team for a supplemental pick in the MLB Draft, there’s an outside chance you could be witness a mass suicide through the medium of chat. Lucky you!

Also, early condolences to the families of fans of the team that selects Jimmy Clausen. At least religious nuts can enjoy Tebow. Everyone hates Clausen (except Kiper). Occupants of said unfortunate city will stranded for months because planes will be unable to negotiate the looming douchecloud.

Here it is, everybody – the never before seen Focus on the Family ad airing during Super Bowl XLIV that features Tim Tebow decrying the evils of smishsmorshions. I can’t wait for Tostitos to counter during the Oscars with an ad that has Ricky Stanzi calling for a flat tax.

And, as a chaser for all that tasty fundamentalism, here’s the actual commercial submitted by the gay dating site ManCrunch.com that CBS is trying to quietly decline without pissing off the Human Rights Campaign too badly. Even if they’re better off without another representation of homosexuality as bizarre and disturbing, err, I mean, HURRR LOOGIT DEM QUEERS PAWIN’ AT ONE ANOTHER! UNNATURAL AND SICKENIN’ IS WHAT IT IS!