Billy “I Own Four TV’s” Simmons had an article detailing the Pats 4th and 2 call from Sunday Night. It contains the usual assortment of Simmons arguments that he deems irrefutable. But forget all that. Look at this:

Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked them and moved them elsewhere. If there was ever a place I could get out of a speeding ticket, it’s Seattle. Or so I thought.

And he walked away with my license.

Someone buy this cop a fucking steak and a blowjob. It’s one thing to pull the “Do you know who I am?” bullshit with a cop. It’s another to assume that people will find that story charming. Oh, and Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school, which is funny because Sunday Night Football didn’t start until 1987, when he was 18 years old. Bill Simmons is a FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT MAKES MY POINT INARGUABLE.

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.

Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!

Hello my children. It is I, Jesus of Nazareth here to explain the mysteries of the eighth week of this NFL season, and lo, what a week it was.

-While I, like my father, am supposed to love all my children, I, like everyone else, finds it nearly impossible to love the Patriots. I once asked Bill Belichick, “What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?” He responded by pulling out a copy of his contract. Apparently by finishing last season with a perfect 16-0 record he hit a contract escalator that includes the use of three virginal souls to do with as he pleases. They got back to their winning ways this week, because sometimes evil wins a round over good. Especially when good’s best player is held out with a tender groin.

-The lowly Bengals of Cincinnati were throttled by the Texans of Houston because they must be punished for hiding the true light. You see, I’m no Bengal fan, and I too grow tired of Chad Johnson’s constant yapping, but when he’s playing well he’s more entertaining than Mary Magdalene after a jug of wine. You had a great thing going there Marvin Lewis, but you had to go and shit all over it, didn’t you? Remember, no one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. So let that be a message to you, and let Ocho Cinco shine through the art of dance.

-Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Oh, except for you Detroit. You’re a fucking abomination and I will see to it that all doors are slammed in your worthless fat face. You know my dad was drunk when He made you. Also, you were adopted. Sorry, but it’s true.

-The Buccaneers of Tampa Bay were unable to overcome the Cowboys of Dallas because I felt they deserved such a punishment. It is written again, thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Especially not with such hot pieces of ass. Dad’s been spilling enough of his seed without your temptresses of evil urging him forth. Besides, I’m already dating the blonde with the kickin’ body, and I don’t need Dad ogling my woman.

Thanks, Jesus!

Last night, I went to tape an episode of Comcast Sports Net’s “Blog Show” with Jamie Mottram and Dan Steinberg. And, as sometimes happens on a TV set, there were some minor creative differences, and I had a very small incident in the heat of the moment where I let my temper get the best of me. These things happen, even to the seasoned broadcasters such as myself. I deeply regret it. While I wish that some of the staff at Comcast had been a bit more diligent in their work, it was no excuse for me to act that way I acted.

This off-air video is now nearly a day old and does not reflect my typical workplace demeanor, my relationships with co-workers, nor the vast contributions I have made to Comcast Sports Net during my television career, a career that has spanned well over eight minutes. I have a tremendous connection with sports fans and my body of work should not be judged by a few minutes of unguarded language uttered hours ago. I’m not excusing the language used, and I will be emphasizing to the KSK workforce the importance of using appropriate language in the workplace.

NOTE: Confused by this video? Go here.

2nd NOTE: Blogger Quiz bowl, bitch!

“Ever since I’ve rededicated my life to Christ I’ve caught way more persecution now,” he said. “But it’s a beautiful thing because I know it’s a breakthrough coming for me. I welcome it. What makes me any better than Christ? He was persecuted and I’ve been persecuted. My teammates know where my heart is. They know where my mind is at.”

It’s good to see Roy finding his inner-messiah. Hopefully he’ll continue to horse collar all of the non-believers into submission.

Bad MS Paint by Flubby

The Oklahoman via FanHouse

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle.

Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.

Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.

Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.

Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.

Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.

Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.

Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.

Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.

Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.

Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.

Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.

David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.

Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.

It’s been announced that Joe Gibbs 2.0 will retire at a press conference this afternoon. Even in the rocky years of the Gibbs comeback we owe a lot of thanks to the legendary coach/preacher. We thank him for two playoff seasons, we thank him for his leadership in the wake of Sean Taylor’s murder, but mostly, we thank him for leaving. We’ll always love our coach Gibbs but clearly the time had come. From the handcuffed offense, to the blown leads, and befuddled timeouts/challenges, it was clear that his time had come and gone.

So now my Redskins find themselves at a crossroads. They’re $25 million over next year’s cap and Gregggg Williams reportedly has a clause in his contract that makes him the overwhelming favorite to become the next head coach. So what’s next for the Redskins?

OH SHIT! JESUS CHRIST, DON’T LEAVE JOE, WE STILL LOVE YOU! WE’LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

You can challenge all of the obvious fumbles you want. Feel like calling back-to-back timeouts? Have at it! Hell, I’ll even let all of the Jesus bullshit slide for another season or so, just don’t leave us with that smarmy prick in charge of our franchise!

Fine, go shove your hands down Dale Jr’s Wranglers, you old fuck! We don’t need you, we have Tom Fucking Cruise on our side!

I feel like Richie Tenenbaum at Wimbledon.

Praise be! The Lord’s favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy’s Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander’s C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna’s surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs’ 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God’s linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens’ disappointing 2-2 start, but he’s been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus’ love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

Oh, boy.

Holy shitaroo.

Good God, I am fucking stoned like Lara Flynn Boyle after a visit to the abortion clinic. This is nice. Man, I feel like I’m never gonna come down. Ever.

Wait a second. Never come down?

Oh, snap! Shit on a hockey stick! I have found it! I have, at long last, after all these years, found The Elder Bud! I thought it was just a legend and shit! I never thought it actually existed! They say The Elder Bud was planted thousands of years ago by mountain sherpas at the base of the K2. The sherpas had a saying about it. “He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”

Oh, wow.

I’m stoned for fucking life! I could never smoke again and still be fucked up!

I gotta smoke some more.

(takes another hit)

Oh, God. I’m so high. I can barely think in English. Flibba flobba floopa. Dingo mango shakey shakey!

(Jesus appears)

Jesus: Michael.

Vick: Holy fuck! Jesus!

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save you. Are you ready to be saved?

Vick: Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you have no fuckin’ idea how happy I am to see you. Yes, yes I would like to be saved. So, how’s this work? Do you appear in front of my judge and hypnotize him and shit?

Jesus: Michael, I am not here to save you from jail.

Vick: No? Well, pardon me, Jesus, but that’s kinda fucked up.

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save your soul. You have been corrupted by mortal sin. You have lost faith in me, and you have lost faith in yourself. You must learn kindness, and grace. You must learn that the beauty in life comes from loving others, be they people, or dogs, or any other species.

Vick: (cries) Oh, God. What have I done?

Jesus: I know that this can’t be easy for you.

Vick: No, it’s The Elder Bud. I desperately need Visine. Can you turn some water into saline for me?

Jesus: I cannot do that, Michael. I can only offer you eternal salvation.

Vick: Well, that’s all well and good, Jesus. But what I need right now is some motherfuckin’ moisture.

Jesus: Michael, you need to pay heed. You’ve already paid the price for your wrongdoing in this life. You’re going to jail. You’ve lost your job. You’ve lost material wealth. But don’t you see how much more there is to lose? It isn’t too late. You can repent. You must be willing to give yourself to Me. Will you join me, Michael? Will you be saved?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Vick: Can we get some Chinese food first or something? I’m sorry, Jesus, but I can’t concentrate on shit until I get some egg foo young up in this bitch.

Jesus: Oh, forget it.

(disappears)

Vick: Hey! Hey Jesus, where’d you go? I thought we could play some DDR and shit! Wow, I found The Elder Bud and Jesus on the same day. That is fucking solid.

(takes bong hit)

This is a gonna be a great year.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.