Last night, I went to tape an episode of Comcast Sports Net’s “Blog Show” with Jamie Mottram and Dan Steinberg. And, as sometimes happens on a TV set, there were some minor creative differences, and I had a very small incident in the heat of the moment where I let my temper get the best of me. These things happen, even to the seasoned broadcasters such as myself. I deeply regret it. While I wish that some of the staff at Comcast had been a bit more diligent in their work, it was no excuse for me to act that way I acted.

This off-air video is now nearly a day old and does not reflect my typical workplace demeanor, my relationships with co-workers, nor the vast contributions I have made to Comcast Sports Net during my television career, a career that has spanned well over eight minutes. I have a tremendous connection with sports fans and my body of work should not be judged by a few minutes of unguarded language uttered hours ago. I’m not excusing the language used, and I will be emphasizing to the KSK workforce the importance of using appropriate language in the workplace.

NOTE: Confused by this video? Go here.

2nd NOTE: Blogger Quiz bowl, bitch!

“Ever since I’ve rededicated my life to Christ I’ve caught way more persecution now,” he said. “But it’s a beautiful thing because I know it’s a breakthrough coming for me. I welcome it. What makes me any better than Christ? He was persecuted and I’ve been persecuted. My teammates know where my heart is. They know where my mind is at.”

It’s good to see Roy finding his inner-messiah. Hopefully he’ll continue to horse collar all of the non-believers into submission.

Bad MS Paint by Flubby

The Oklahoman via FanHouse

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle.

Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.

Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.

Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.

Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.

Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.

Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.

Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.

Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.

Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.

Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.

Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.

David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.

Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.

It’s been announced that Joe Gibbs 2.0 will retire at a press conference this afternoon. Even in the rocky years of the Gibbs comeback we owe a lot of thanks to the legendary coach/preacher. We thank him for two playoff seasons, we thank him for his leadership in the wake of Sean Taylor’s murder, but mostly, we thank him for leaving. We’ll always love our coach Gibbs but clearly the time had come. From the handcuffed offense, to the blown leads, and befuddled timeouts/challenges, it was clear that his time had come and gone.

So now my Redskins find themselves at a crossroads. They’re $25 million over next year’s cap and Gregggg Williams reportedly has a clause in his contract that makes him the overwhelming favorite to become the next head coach. So what’s next for the Redskins?

OH SHIT! JESUS CHRIST, DON’T LEAVE JOE, WE STILL LOVE YOU! WE’LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

You can challenge all of the obvious fumbles you want. Feel like calling back-to-back timeouts? Have at it! Hell, I’ll even let all of the Jesus bullshit slide for another season or so, just don’t leave us with that smarmy prick in charge of our franchise!

Fine, go shove your hands down Dale Jr’s Wranglers, you old fuck! We don’t need you, we have Tom Fucking Cruise on our side!

I feel like Richie Tenenbaum at Wimbledon.

Praise be! The Lord’s favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy’s Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander’s C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna’s surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs’ 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God’s linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens’ disappointing 2-2 start, but he’s been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus’ love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Holy shitaroo.

Good God, I am fucking stoned like Lara Flynn Boyle after a visit to the abortion clinic. This is nice. Man, I feel like I’m never gonna come down. Ever.

Wait a second. Never come down?

Oh, snap! Shit on a hockey stick! I have found it! I have, at long last, after all these years, found The Elder Bud! I thought it was just a legend and shit! I never thought it actually existed! They say The Elder Bud was planted thousands of years ago by mountain sherpas at the base of the K2. The sherpas had a saying about it. “He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”

Oh, wow.

I’m stoned for fucking life! I could never smoke again and still be fucked up!

I gotta smoke some more.

(takes another hit)

Oh, God. I’m so high. I can barely think in English. Flibba flobba floopa. Dingo mango shakey shakey!

(Jesus appears)

Jesus: Michael.

Vick: Holy fuck! Jesus!

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save you. Are you ready to be saved?

Vick: Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you have no fuckin’ idea how happy I am to see you. Yes, yes I would like to be saved. So, how’s this work? Do you appear in front of my judge and hypnotize him and shit?

Jesus: Michael, I am not here to save you from jail.

Vick: No? Well, pardon me, Jesus, but that’s kinda fucked up.

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save your soul. You have been corrupted by mortal sin. You have lost faith in me, and you have lost faith in yourself. You must learn kindness, and grace. You must learn that the beauty in life comes from loving others, be they people, or dogs, or any other species.

Vick: (cries) Oh, God. What have I done?

Jesus: I know that this can’t be easy for you.

Vick: No, it’s The Elder Bud. I desperately need Visine. Can you turn some water into saline for me?

Jesus: I cannot do that, Michael. I can only offer you eternal salvation.

Vick: Well, that’s all well and good, Jesus. But what I need right now is some motherfuckin’ moisture.

Jesus: Michael, you need to pay heed. You’ve already paid the price for your wrongdoing in this life. You’re going to jail. You’ve lost your job. You’ve lost material wealth. But don’t you see how much more there is to lose? It isn’t too late. You can repent. You must be willing to give yourself to Me. Will you join me, Michael? Will you be saved?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Vick: Can we get some Chinese food first or something? I’m sorry, Jesus, but I can’t concentrate on shit until I get some egg foo young up in this bitch.

Jesus: Oh, forget it.

(disappears)

Vick: Hey! Hey Jesus, where’d you go? I thought we could play some DDR and shit! Wow, I found The Elder Bud and Jesus on the same day. That is fucking solid.

(takes bong hit)

This is a gonna be a great year.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.