Listen, people. I don’t know why you have to keep bringing this up. All that stuff happened in the past. Like, did I use GHB to drug a 19-year-old freshman before anally raping her outside a fraternity house? Not according to my criminal record, I didn’t.

What’s that? My criminal record says I’m guilty of assault, reckless driving hit and run, reckless driving, and driving under the influence on different occasions? Well, yeah. My criminal record says a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should believe them all.

All that stuff happened in the past, okay? I was just a young guy making his way in the world from the years 1998-2007. Who doesn’t have an off decade while they’re finding themselves?

Besides, during that time I had less than one run-in with the police per year. But you don’t hear me reminding everyone how law-abiding I am. So why is it a big deal if I did or didn’t drug and anally rape a 19-year-old girl a long time ago? We all go through that phase where we’re young and raping people. But I assure you, I grew out of it. I barely even like raping semiconscious acquaintances any more. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?

Another thing I need to make clear: no, I never read the article. I never read the article, but I can assure you that much of it is false and inaccurately reported. Like, did it mention how my status on a Rose Bowl-bound Washington Huskies team got me out of going to trial?

It did?

Well, okay. Lucky guess by the Seattle Times. Even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut.

How about this. Did the article say that I jaywalk whenever the fuck I feel like it? Did it say that I killed a stray dog with a beer bottle? Did it say anything about Girl Scout Troop 513? And how no one ever found their bodies, but there was a garden in my apartment complex that sprouted prize-winning roses thanks to the nonpareil compost of rotting human flesh?

It didn’t? Okay, cool. Just goes to show that journalists never tell the whole story.

Oh no! That petite coed is trying to leave the frat party, but Jerramy Stevens and his friends are there!

I suppose that headline’s a bit of misnomer. I’m actually pretty happy that clown drunk drove himself off the Seahawks and onto a new team where he’ll get a nice little suspension and a league-minimum contract.

But I’m not here to call out our spoiled, self-entitled, idiot sports stars. I’m here to call out the hero-worshiping, holier-than-thou, dumbfuck sports fans.

Allow me to elaborate. Last season I posted an open letter to Jerramy Stevens that said, in essence, “I’ve tried really hard to cheer for you, but you’re just too much of a goddam jackass.” I wrote it in early November, after Stevens had a killer game against the Raiders in which he got flagged for a critical 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, dropped a possible TD pass, and instigated the Tyler Brayton knee-groin incident.

In January, a commenter identifying himself as “C.P.” added this gem, directed at me and other commenters who happened to agree that Stevens was an immature boor whose play didn’t make up for his attitude (I’ve taken the liberty of adding sics, because it’s a nice easy way to make a person look even dumber):

What a bunch of jackasses…you all need to get out of your house [sic] more and get an actuall [sic] life!! So the guy made a few mistakes when he was younger!! Big F’n deal!! If we were all made to pay for mistakes we made while young and stupid even though we learned from them and no longer act iun [sic] that manner, where would we all be now. [sic] Give the guy a break. Maybe he needs to get his head on straight and start being a little more consistent, but he is big, stron [sic], athletic and when he is on he is one of the top players at his position!! I’m sickl [sic] of listening to asswipes like you beatin a guy down when it’s obvious what he needs is HOME FAN support, not more negativity from some hack football fan who want’s [sic] to lump his Jerramy’s career into a microcosm like the Raider game. Big deal!! He was all we had against the Cowboys and you should be damn fortunate we had him!!

Oh shit. I had no idea it was my lack of faith that made him suck. Let’s have a quick look at the mistakes Stevens made when he was young. And I guess 27 counts as young, because that’s his age now.

1998: Breaks man’s jaw with baseball bat.
2000: Accused of drugging and raping a 19-year-old girl at UW. Cleared of charges.
2001: Crashes car into retirement home, charged with hit-and-run.
2003: Charged with DUI after police find two half-empty champagne bottles in his car.
2006: $15,000 fine for instigating Bratton’s knee.
2007: Charged with DUI.

Wow, I wish I could not be blamed for my youthful mistakes that span almost a decade into my late 20s. So… where you at now, C.P.? Is this one my fault, too?

This grand “fuck you” goes not just to C.P., but to ALL sports fans who think their favorite pro athletes’ shit doesn’t stink. You all can head over to the all-you-can-eat cock buffet. I believe the Ray Lewis fans are already there.