JEREMY SHOCKEY SAVED A TEAMMATE’S LIFE. Fellow Panthers tight end Ben Hartsock was choking on a piece of pork tenderloin when, according to Hartsock’s agent, Shockey either performed the Heimlich or slapped him on the back, thus dislodging the obstruction. It is the first time that Shockey has ever been associated with not choking.

Also, we found the picture above to be somewhat meme-worthy. There’s a template (and an example) below the jump to get you started.

PEYTON HILLIS HAS NEVER WORKED IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. A ten-dollar tip for a $105 restaurant bill. At present, the Madden Curse is only affecting Hillis’s waiters. [Deadspin]

SAINTS CUT ALEX BROWN. Brown, 32, registered a career-low 2.0 sacks last season in New Orleans after eight successful years in Chicago. [PFT]

MICHAEL VICK, ON BEING ABLE TO PAY OFF CREDITORS: “That will be breath of fresh air.” *takes huge bong rip* [@Jeff_McLane]

JEREMY MACLIN PROBABLY DOESN’T HAVE CANCER. Maclin missed most of the preseason due to symptoms of a mysterious illness that was never diagnosed (tests for lymphoma were “inconclusive”), but he says he’s feeling good and will play in the season opener. I love getting non-information like this the day I have a fantasy draft. [ESPN]

JOE NAMATH ON LETTERMAN TONIGHT. Other guests include Alec Baldwin and Lenny Kravitz, so don’t get your hopes up for unwanted drunken advances.

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That game? Woof. Nick Folk’s huge choke was all for naught. Damn, damn, damn it all. The Cowboys get to stay alive and the Saints lose? If there’s any consolation, the Saints blemish will make the Colts choke all more memorable and enjoyable. Pressure’s on, fat humps.

“Did you win because the Saints are not for real? I don’t know. Did you win because you’re taking the next step as a quarterback? I don’t know. Will I tongue cayenne pepper out of your asshole? That I do know.”

The unbeaten Giants travel to the Superdome Sunday to play the undefeated Saints. It’s a supremely consequential game that could play a large part in the eventual make-up of the NFC playoff picture. But let’s not that allow all that meaningful subtext to get in the way of petty grudges one player holds against the team that made him a star. But it’s not just any former player – it’s a heroic douchebag that the more obnoxious members of the Giants fanbase still cling to as though he invented chin strap facial hair and chain smoking. Meanwhile, that player is promising to have his best game of the year against his former team. Since he’s already has two TDs in one game, he must be promising three. Will he deliver. WHO YA GOT?

In a Memorial Day weekend story as shocking as “Pools Across Nation Open For Business”, Jeremy Shockey was found unconscious on the floor of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas this afternoon and rushed to the hospital. A Saints spokesman said Shockey is fine and that he was only dehydrated. Yeah right, buddy. If the trailer is any indication, he obviously caught the brunt of a Mike Tyson hook.

UPDATE: TMZ (via Busted Coverage) has a few photos of him staggering around the party looking wrecked. Because I really needed photo evidence to believe this story.

Marques Colston: Aw, shit. Not again!

Scott Fujita: Another season in turmoil!

Reggie Bush: So many displaced citizens!

Jeremy Shockey: So when does the raping start?

Devery Henderson: Yo, that’s some fucked up shit.

Jeremy Shockey: That’s what I thought happens when hurricanes come through the bayou. People have a bunch of king cake and rape the shit out of each other. That’s the only reason I agreed to this trade.

[Shockey smashes storefront window]

I’m finding, not looting!

Mark Brunell: And when does the blaming the destruction on the city on the sins of the Big Easy start? There was just a big homofestival of homosexuals right before Gustav came rolling into town. That makes for good evangelizin’!

A lesbian comedian caused this!

Hurricane Gustav: ‘ow dare vous eee-vacuatre zis city before I kin commence with wreaking zee havoc! Geet back from your sheethole in Indianapol-ees. Geaux and show some balls, les Saints, vous bunch of filth-zy Mohammedians! I’ll tear vous Supairedome leem from leem!

Levees: /reinforced

Gustav: Aaaaiieeee! I sur-ren-daire!