Today is Patriots Schadenfreude Day, which is always a supreme delight, but does come tinged by the knowledge that once it’s over, there’s still about 220 more days until meaningful NFL games are played. Womp womp. It’s no consolation, but we’ll have our usual array of KSK off-season features anyway. Some readers enjoy them as much or even more than our in-season content. Why? I have no idea, but we’re forever grateful to have people interested in our irrelevant rants about stupid things that bother us or mock drafts of breakfast cereals (Blueberry Morning FTW!) or which movie sex scene we’d most like to be featured breathing loudly in the corner.

Anyway, your Meast for Super Bowl XLVI is Mario Manningham. Unlike Super Bowl XLII, I have no real issue with Eli Manning winning MVP. Manningham’s game numbers weren’t all that impressive. Practically every other Giants skill player fumbled at some point. And except for a short stretch in the second half where he was tossing patented McNabb one-hoppers to his receivers, Eli played well throughout. Nevertheless, the Mannings are always gonna have people falling all over themselves to hand them awards, earned or not, they don’t need KSK’s fluffing prowess to boot. And there was no singular play in yesterday’s game more impressive than Mario’s catch. Not even close.

You Least for Super Bowl XLVI is…

WELKAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Gutty drops of undersized heart. The best possible scenario for New England losing the Super Bowl would probably be Bill Simmons falling out a blimp above the stadium and deflecting a game-deciding kick as he plunged to the ground. But this was close. The Patriots receivers had many drops yesterday, none of which were as damaging or delicious as Welker’s.

Here’s Welkah postgame:

His voice, barely above a whisper, quavered as he deconstructed the dropped pass that stalled a potential victory-sealing drive.

Oh yeah. Journo sadness porn. Give it to me.

“The ball is right there. I’ve just got to make the play. It’s a play I’ve made 1,000 times in practice and everything else. It comes to be the biggest moment of my life and I don’t come up with it. It’s discouraging.”

Cris Collinsworth said live after the drop that Welker makes that catch 100 times out of 100, which is so stupid I half-expected Phil Simms to break into the booth with a surgical saw in order to try to get his brain back.

This week’s Meast and Least non sequitur is this video of Gary Busey on “Wife Swap,” via my old stomping ground of Warming Glow. You must watch it. Gary Busey doing anything is equal parts terrifying and immensely watchable, but in this case he’s interacting with Ted Haggard’s wife. This is a woman who stayed with her husband after it turned out Ted was using meth and soliciting gay prostitutes, and yet she’s STILL out of her element. NO ONE can keep up with Gary Busey, except maybe Nick Nolte on ketamine armed with a sack of raccoons.

Okay, good times. Let’s talk about the Week 17 Meast and Least, shall we?

There were plenty of meastly performances in on the last day of the regular season. Matts Flynn and Stafford combined for 1000 yards and 11 touchdowns through the air, and Jordy Nelson and Calvin Johnson had correspondingly ridiculous numbers. Ray Rice ran for 191 yards and 2 TDs, Brees had almost 400 yards and five TDs in a little more than three quarters of work; Michael Turner has 172 yards and two scores; Larry Fitzgerald had a monster game against the Seahawks, Victor Cruz continued his non-All Pro, 1300-yard season with six catches for 178 yards and a score, and MJD locked up a rushing title in a year when the Jaguars had no passing game whatsoever.

Bravo to all, but our Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week is Jared Allen.

Allen registered 3.5 sacks against the Bears to give him 22 for a season, half a sack behind Michael Strahan’s NFL record of 22.5. That means Allen now holds the season record for sacks without stats being padded by Brett Favre rolling into the fetal position being a bitch. Normally we don’t give the Meast to a player whose team lost, but our Favre hatred runs deep. Congrats, Jared. May you enjoy a long offseason of dipping Copenhagen and bow-hunting exotic game.

We had no shortage of Least candidates, as well. The Rams’ general incompetence should be noted, as their season-long, team-wide shittiness included an uncontested touchdown pass by the opposing kicker and an interception on a third down halfback toss that led to a short field and a touchdown for the Niners (the Rams lost by seven). Terrence Newman deserves a nod for the Cowboys’ loss, and Tim Tebow sucked bronco cock while putting up a 20.6 QB rating and leading his team to points in a loss at home with the division title on the line. And yet he still goes to the playoffs. Fuck this world.

But there can be only one Least:

Congratulations, Mark Sanchez! Your exquisitely shitty play was the capstone of the Jets’ implosion! Even the most mildly competent quarterback — say, Matt Moore — would have taken the Jets to the postseason. Well done, sir. We salute you.

The weekly Meast post is one of our favorite spots for an off-topic rant, and I’d like to take this opportunity to share my list of the five laziest words in sports commentary (phony/fraud/punk/clown/thug). It’s inspired by stupid people talking loudly, which is my least favorite thing on the planet after puppies dying and female circumcision. Though in some ways, dead puppies and female circumcision are better than stupid people talking loudly. They are, at the very least, less prevalent. ANYHOO, go read it and share it and stop watching “Around the Horn.”

Your Sean Taylor Memorial Meast for Week 15 is, as the banner image suggests, Calvin Johnson, who had nine receptions for 214 yards and two TDs in Oakland, including the game-winner and several huge catches in the fourth quarter. Also receiving votes: Drew Brees, Aldon Smith, Roddy White, and… Reggie Bush? That can’t be right.

Keep reading for a very special Least:

SURPRISE! Todd Haley wins the Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week in absentia. Haley was such a horrifically shitty asshole coach that he got replaced by ROMEO FUCKING CRENNEL and the players were STILL so inspired for him to be gone that they made Aaron Rodgers look downright human while dominating the Packers juggernaut. What a useless, hateful shithead.

Also receiving Least votes: Caleb Hanie, the entire Giants roster, Tim Tebow*, assorted Jets, and Aaron Rodgers*.

*troll votes

Congratulations to this week’s Meast, Jason Pierre-Paul of the New York Giants. Not only did JPP record six tackles, two sacks, a forced fumble, and a safety, he also single-handedly made sure that the Cowboys would lose for the second straight week. The only downside is that he didn’t give Jason Garrett the opportunity to make a fool of himself in overtime. Pierre-Paul now has 12.5 sacks on the year, leading to assumptions that he might be pretty good at this football stuff.

Your Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week is Marion Barber III. Rushing for 108 yards and a touchdown on 27 carries is nice, but when you fuck up nobody remembers anything else. And oh boy, did Marion fuck up. First he gifted the Broncos a timeout by running out of bounds late in the fourth quarter (extra Tebow time!), then he coughed up the football on what should have been the winning drive in overtime. Fucking dagger. Everyone knows what happened next. Tim Tebow made an outstanding catch on an uncharacteristically wide throw by Tim Tebow, leading to Tebow’s 51-yard game-winning Tebow.

Perhaps the real Least is God. After all, it was He who lead Marion out of bounds and pried the ball from his barbarian grip.

And now, right back to Tebow!

Kidding aside, this sign does pose an interesting question. What is up, Benji?

We’ve already posted this video, but it needs to be witnessed again in order to (A) honor Week 14 Meast Marshawn Lynch and (B) rebuff anyone who thinks the award belongs to someone else.

And yes, there was plenty of meastiness to go around this week: Aaron Roders continued his brilliance with a clutch performance despite his wide receivers’ sudden case of the drops; Ray Rice ran for two bills and a score (against Cleveland); Chris Johnson — no doubt rested from taking the first nine weeks of the season off — put up 150+ yards and two touchdowns; Demaryius Thomas somehow accrued 144 yards on passes from Tim Tebow; and a defensive player on your favorite team had a dominant performance, but I won’t name him so you can complain about the snub in the comments.

Still, none of that was quite as impressive as Meast Bode 2.0 disappearing from swarms of tacklers to score a touchdown for the 8th straight game. And this isn’t me speaking as a Seahawks fan; this was a unanimous decision among the Gay Mafia. So there.

Your Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week is even less surprising:

Now, don’t get us wrong: we recognize that the Double-J is being surprisingly calm about the timeout that iced rookie kicker Dan Bailey, saying that he “understand[s] the process [Garrett] went through.” That process:

Cowboys special teams coaches Joe DeCamillis and Chris Boniol were screaming for Garrett to call timeout because the play clock was under eight seconds and he did what he thought would help his kicker.

That might make sense if Garrett had called one of Dallas’s two remaining timeouts after Dez Bryant’s catch brought the ball to the Arizona 31 with 26 seconds remaining in the 4th quarter. Instead, the clock ran and Tony Romo spiked the ball with seven seconds remaining. Because why try to get a shorter field goal? A 49-yarder on the road with a rookie kicker and the game on the line is a total gimme.

Epic coaching leastiness. Andy Reid applauds your late-game mismanagement, sir.

Every time I see Marcedes Lewis’s name, I picture a car that vaguely looks like Mercedes but is actually a cheap Taiwanese knock-off. The logo looks the same, but the words around it read “Marcedes-Bonz.”

Marcedes fulfilled the promise of his name on Sunday, dropping the widest of wide-open passes that was oh-so-gently tossed to him as he stood alone in the end zone. A season after 700 receiving yards and 10 touchdowns netted him a $35 million contract, Lewis has just 281 yards and zero TDs this year. Google probably said it best:

Del Rio: “I still have faith in Marcedes.”
Jaguars: “You’re fired.”

So yeah, Marcedes Lewis is the Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week.

And the Meast:

Drew Brees is mildly competent at football: 363 yards passing, four touchdowns, no interceptions, and the rushing TD you see here in Monday night’s ass-stomping of the Giants. I was up against him fantasy. I did not win.

Also, we should mention that the Flubby Raider Homer Nomination of the Week™ is the strong-legged combo of Sebastian Janikowski and Shane Lechler, who respectively kicked a hundred field goals and punted the ball clear out of the stadium, far beyond the reach of Devin Hester.

The KSK Gay Mafia had a lively discussion about this week’s Meast and Least. After a heated debate, the Meast this week is Larry Fitzgerald, who caught seven passes for 146 yards and two touchdowns. Particularly measty was Fitty’s final catch, a clutch, over-the-shoulder, diving grab that set up the game’s winning score — and would have been his third TD had Jaiquawn Jarrett not managed a lucky swipe of his calf just before he slid into the end zone.

But there were plenty of other candidates: previous 2011 Measts Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo both had brilliantgames at quarterback, and the Texans offensive line once again paved the way for Arian Foster and Ben Tate to steamroll another defense. Drew suggested that Jared Allen should get some consideration, so we made a new award for him: Best Celebration While His Team Trails by Four Touchdowns. Flubby went full homer in support of Michael Bush. His series of emails in our discussion:

Meast is Michael Bush.
Bush had 242 yards from scrimmage.
242 yards, the most for the S&B since Saint Bo.
Bush had 100 more yards than Fitzgerald. Plus he plays for a first place team.

In my eyes, that argument seals it for Fitzgerald.

And now, your Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week:

Mike Smith! Now, honestly, I liked Smith’s decision to go for it on 4th-and-inches from Atlanta’s 30 in overtime. That’s ballsy. What’s Leasty is the complete lack of imagination in his play call: a packed jumbo formation that telegraphed a run up the middle. Why not a quick count and quarterback sneak? Or play-action and a rollout? QUICK, SOMEONE MAKE ME AN NFL COACH I’M SMARTER THAN LIFELONG PROFESSIONALS.

Other nominees for Least include the Ravens’ David Reed, who fumbled two kickoffs in the red zone that led to Seattle scores and got hit with a 15-yard penalty before getting benched, and the Cleveland long-snapper. But nobody felt like looking up his name, so Mike Smith it is!

(Images by Getty)

Your Meast of the week is Arizona’s Patrick Peterson. The rookie had a pretty nice interception (see above), but set himself apart with the coolest touchdown of the season.

The walk-off 99 yard punt return was his third of the season, giving him more touchdowns than any non-quarterback on the Washington Redskins roster. He is now averaging one touchdown for every seven touches. I want to make babies with him.

Your Least of the week is Albert Haynesworth, who was dumped by the Patriots following a “sideline confrontation” with Pepper Johnson. If Haynesworth is to be believed (he is not, under any circumstances), this marks the end of his fat bloated career.

”If God forbid, I got cut from this team, I know I could go out there and play for another team,” Haynesworth said. ”But, I feel like this is going to be the last place I’m going to play. If it doesn’t work out here, I’m not going to play anywhere else.” -Albert Haynesworth, September 2, 2011

And now, here is a picture of a pig trying to impregnate a cow. God speed, little buddy! The world looks forward to feasting on your delicious cross-bred offspring.

As I watched the pregame show for “Football Night in America” on Sunday, I fully expected the crew to dramatically shift course from the “Tim Tebow is a born winner” refrain to the more reasonable “Oh right, Tim Tebow can only lob knuckleballs in a general direction, which isn’t a desirable trait for a professional quarterback.” But that didn’t happen. Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison both faulted the entire Broncos team for the blowout against the Lions, and Harrison pinned additional blame on the defense for “allowing 45 points.”

Um.

First of all, the Broncos defense — while by no means good — gave up 31 points, not 45. Two of those touchdowns were scored by the Lions defense on Tebow turnovers, the latter of which was a terrible goal-line throw that went 100 yards the other way. Tebow was sacked seven times for the second week in a row. His throws are wobbly and off-target. It’s obvious to the most casual observer that he’s overwhelmed by the pro game.

You know, if you want to blame John Fox for not simplifying the game plan enough, that’s an argument that can at least be backed up with evidence. But Tony Dungy was an NFL coach! Rodney Harrison played in the NFL for 15 years! Don’t lie to us, you assholes. We have EYES. We can SEE Tebow playing like dogshit. It’s right there on the TV, every play that isn’t him running the option.

Anyway, your co-Measts this week are Tebow-Smashers Cliff Avril and Stephen Tulloch. Avril had two sacks and two forced fumbles, one of which he recovered and returned for a touchdown. Tulloch had six tackles, a sack, and did this:

HOWEVER, Tim Tebow is NOT the Least of the Week. That honor goes to Philip Rivers. As much as we enjoy a terrible performance from start to finish (cc: Drew Brees), what we TRULY appreciate are boneheaded, costly errors when they matter most. Sure, we laughed at Rivers’s two interceptions and the way every other drive stalled out in field goal range, but fumbling the snap in the final minute before the kicker could come on to win the game was absolutely sublime. Mazel tov, King Laserface! Your worst day ever is our great delight.

Rivers becomes the second player to be named Least two times this season. Your move, Tony Romo.

Yesterday, the AA battery that powered my wireless mouse died, and because I didn’t have time to search my apartment for batteries, I worked for about 30 minutes using my laptop’s touchpad, a loathsome task for me at work because I’m completely dependent on the click-wheel. After I finally dug a new battery out of my toolbox, I was going to write a humorous tweet about it, complaining about the AGONY I had just endured.

But then I stopped myself, because I just KNEW that someone would have replied “DURRRR #firstworldproblems” or “#whitewhine” or some crap like that. And to the people who might be inclined to do that, please accept this message from the bottom of my heart:

FUCK OFF, YOU SNIVELING UNDERCUTTING PIECES OF SHIT.

I don’t need to be reminded that I live in a first-world country, okay? I don’t need to be reminded that I’m privileged to lead a life of relative ease.

I lived in a tent for two months in the middle of the Kuwaiti desert. I’ve worn a MOPP suit in 115-degree heat during a four-week period in which I didn’t have access to a shower. I went three months without a drink of cold water. I once made one of my Marines take a shovel and move the rotting dog carcass away from our position because the smell was too intense; it left a black smear on the pavement, speckled with the white of maggots. I’ve spent a month in the moonscape of the Egyptian desert. I’ve vacationed in warm second-world countries that have nice beaches, and it makes me thankful that our roads are paved and not patrolled by packs of feral dogs. I lived in a sheep field in Iraq, where I once spent a night simultaneously pissing out of my ass while vomiting up the crackers and water I ate between bouts of diarrhea. When people complain about rain, I say, “It’s really not so bad unless you have to sleep in it,” because I have slept in it, and it fucking sucks. I’ve felt the suffocating burn of tear gas. I’ve walked on feet so blistered they looked like raw hamburger. I’m aware of radiation poisoning in Japan; famine in East Africa; the devastating earthquake in Turkey.

There is a gigantic, unfathomable collection of pain and misery throughout the world, and none of it lessens the cramping in my wrist from working on my laptop’s touch pad. So go ahead, fucking tell me I’ve got first-world problems, asshole. +1 to you, twatcunt. You’re oh so incredibly witty.

Hey, I get it. It was funny for a while. And it serves a purpose for people who are sincerely complaining that the champagne’s not Korbel. But I’m not bitching about how hard it is to find a milliner who makes top hats with sufficient velvet. I’m trying to joke about small annoyances that might resonate with other people. It’s already understood that it’s a first-world problem. That’s why I’m sending it out on Twitter, and not calling UNICEF.

You ever break an iPhone before you had the chance to buy an iPhone cover? Been fucked over by a cable company? Waited in line at the DMV? Walked down four flights of a walk-up building only to realize you left your grocery list upstairs? Tipped someone even though they gave you shitty service? That shit is REAL, goddammit, and it’s annoying as fuck. I shouldn’t have to say to say, “Well, this isn’t as bad as the polar ice caps melting, but road construction woke me up early this morning.” Let me have 140 characters without perspective, okay?

So unless you’re tweeting at me from a humanitarian station in Somalia, lay off the shithead @ reply, because you’re not any fucking better than me. I’ve got first-world problems, and just because they don’t suck as much as an AIDS epidemic doesn’t mean that they don’t suck. Fuck you.

And don’t get me started on #humblebrag.

(image via)

[Your Week 8 Meast is Drew Brees, with an honorable mention to DeMarco Murray. Both players put up huge numbers against shitty defenses, but Brees gets the nod because he did it in primetime and he's having an incredible season. Your Least is Philip Rivers. While we respect Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer combining for six INTs, Rivers losing track of the down and throwing the ball away on 4th down to lose the game is the kind of Leasty moment the award was made for.]