What the fuck you lookin’ at, fool! I see you eyein’ my celebration weed over there! You best be wise and keep off that shit. That’s for TO-NITE! For da vic’try party! We gonna git down! I got my crunk and my weeeeeed and my Henneseeeeeeey and my–

[cell phone rings]

…shit, hang on.

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama, how may I be of serv…Aw, shit, Oprah! You damn near scare me outta ma skin, girl! Thought you was CNN! Lemme call ya back.

So what was I sayin? Yeah, so I’m glad this shit’s FINALLY over, knowutI’m sayin? ‘Cuz if I shake hands with one more nigga I AM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH! And why the fuck are they always followin’ us around? Don’t they have JOBS n’shit? Hey, yo free health care is coming! Obama Claus is coming to yo town! Now git yo ass outta my face! And don’t you fools be touchin’ my weed, cuz that shit’s fo–

[cell phone rings again] Muthafucka what the shit? Again?

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Anderson, it’s very nice to hear from you…I’d love to do that, but actually, I’m unavailable tomorrow morning…4 o’clock then?…Terrific. I’ll let Barry know…I’m looking forward to it as well…Haha, yes, let’s hope so…bye bye now.

Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit? Bein’ all “I’d love to sit down with you and…” Nigga, sit y’ass down YO’SELF. What was I talkin’ bout? Oh yeah.

So damn, fool! You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG? Y’all know what Gitmo is right? That’s where we’re putting all the white people. The crackers had their shot at fucking shit up. NOW IT’S OUR TURN! Whoooooose house? Ruuuuuun’s House! Fist bump, fool!

You can hang though. You cool. But you ain’t gettin’ none’my weed. We ain’t just handin’ shit out up in this mug. Git ya’own shit. Punk ass fool.

Everything in this post before the jump on this post is SFW. After that, you’re on your own. 

JETS PRACTICE FACILITY, LAST WEEK

[team walks in from practice]

Alan Faneca: Good practice, everyone. We’re really gonna be ready for Sunday. 

Eric Barton: Yeah, way to go guys. [gets to his locker] Hey, what’s this bag doing here? Did someone bring me a poorly wrapped gift? 

Brett Favre: Ah, yennow wut Eric isawdat ondastreet innitmameethinka yoo. Yoogunna injoyit, lemme tellya.

Eric: Aw, thanks, Brett. I love this team. I can’t wait to…hey…what’s…what’s in here? Is that a bird?  

Dustin Keller: I checked it. It’s not what you think it is.

Brett: Heyderr rook, yaneedt’bee keepinow demthangsdat dunkonsurnya eryoogunna tay kuwuppin, lemme tellya. 

Eric: [opens bag] AW SHIT MAN, IT IS A DEAD BIRD!

Bird: [doesn't say anything. it's dead]

Eric: [to Dustin] You said it wasn’t a bird!

Dustin Keller: I thought he brought some old Packers jerseys for everyone. You really thought it was a dead bird?

Eric: [to Brett] Why the fuck you stick some dead shit in my locker?

Dustin: I like jerseys. 

Eric: Shut up! 

Brett: Aw, cummonthere Bartyboy, yew justa biggol rube. Dungettall snippety-whippety now. 

Dustin: Don’t open the bag! 

[Eric opens it, dead animal stink permeates the locker room. Everybody laughs.] 

Faneca: Haha, that smells horrible!

Kris Jenkins: That smell is making my stomach curdle! Hilarious!

Lavaerneus Coles: This is way better than my childhood!

Dustin: Damn, Eric, you just got pwned. That means “owned.”

Eric: I KNOW what the fuck it means, cracker! I said Shut Up!

Mike Nugent: Hey, what the fuck is that smell?

Eric: That’s your game, bitch! Go back to your locker and shut up!

Brett: Oh manitellyoo whut, dem whileturkis gonestank tilda cowscumhom instart watchinyerteevee inaint givinupdat clicker, lemme tellya.

Eric: Oh, alright, Brett. You got me this time! Put ‘er there, teammate!

[Brett and Eric shake hands, Brett walks out]

Eric: [seething] Just you wait, you hickass motherfucker, I’m gonna get you back good!

Dustin: Who are you talking to?

Eric: I SAID! Shut yo mouth!

Brett: [coming in from practice] Heythere y’all didreal guudoutdere enpracktiss annaye…fellas?
Read the rest of this entry »

[TEAM MEETING: 49ers practice facilitiy, Santa Clara, California] 

HEAD COACH MIKE NOLAN: Alright men, I know we normally take Tuesday off, but we really need this win coming up this week. We’re 2-2, and I really believe we can win this weekend and set up a run for the rest of the season. 

J.T. O’SULLIVAN: Coach, I think this team is poised to make a run. The loss last week has helped us realize that. 

FRANK GORE: [Holds up playbook] This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I’ve understood the offense! [Drops playbook]

JUSTIN SMITH: I think we can do it, Coach. [sips coffee] We’re really starting to come together as a team. I think everyone here has the right attitude. I think it’s time to kick some ass in the league!

[rest of the team cheers in approval]

COACH: That’s just the attitude I was looking for, men. This is gonna be a great week, I can feel it! Now, as we watch this film, on our opponent, keep in mind that–

[Coach hears knocking on door]

COACH: Hmm, don’t know who that could be. Now, men. These guys have lost some personnel on defense due to inj–

[Louder knocking on door this time]

COACH: Hey, whoever that is, we’re in a meeting! Fuck off!

[Knocking on turns into pounding, muffled screaming outside]

COACH: Boy, I’m gonna kick the shit out of whoever this is… [opens door]

Read the rest of this entry »

THE AFTERLIFE — The late Gene Upshaw has been as active as ever.

Even after suddenly abandoning his post as former NFL Players Association presiden, Upshaw has taken a new position in the NFL’s labor battle. He’s now spearheading an effort to increase benefits for deceased NFL players.

“It’s high time that some of those dead players saw that money,” Upshaw said. “I know the money’s there, because I saw it and didn’t give it to anyone else.”

Upshaw points out that deceased players that played less than three years in the league currently receive a annual pension of $0, while those who played three years or more receive a payment of $0 per year.

“That’s despicable,” Upshaw said. “How’s a dead man supposed to live on zero dollars?”

The League’s ownership seems to be resistant toward Upshaw’s efforts.

“While I’m sympathetic to the various needs of dead players,” Patriots owner Robert Kraft said, “The money simply isn’t there. And secondly, lots of dead players are getting by on what the Players’ Association currently provides.”

Upshaw conceded that organizing the tens of thousands of deceased NFL players will be difficult.

“We’re not going to let these players just rot away, not while all the living players are earning millions. We’re going to get organized and we’re going to knock on the NFL’s door and get what we feel is rightfully ours.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was not available for comment.

Could you imagine a guy from Harvard trying to play for the Bengals? We don’t have to! Ryan Fitzpatrick, who used to play with the Rams, is a Harvard alum! He’s really smart! He signed a one-year tender offer with Hamilton County Correctional in April, and agreed to keep a running diary through his first Bengals training camp, exclusively for KSK. Here’s the first installment from Ryan’s diary, a unique perspective from behind the scenes of a legitimate NFL franchise!

July 28

Camp started today here in Georgetown, Kentucky. I didn’t join the Bengals until September of last year, so this is actually my first camp with the team. That’s helpful since I have a good assessment of the players around me.

And my assessment is this: I’d rather be the cum rag at a porno shoot than be on this team. My Harvard team was never like this. At Harvard, we treated every teammate like a member of his own family. Even the colored guys. This is no family. Maybe what this team needs is a mom. Not a real mom, but someone like that fat readhead from The Facts Of Life. Man, that was a great show.

This is gonna be a long year.

August 1

Had the intrasquad scrimmage today. The warden said everyone looked good today. Oops, I mean Coach Lewis. I refer to him as the warden when I call home. I guess I could have just scratched that line off.

I guess I played pretty well today, but I’m getting tired of splitting reps with Carson Palmer’s brother. Or gay lover. Do homos share last names? Or just their immunodeficiency viruses? If that faggot ever tries to use my water bottle, we’re gonna have a problem. No wonder Carson’s clothes are so clean.

I miss normal white people.

August 6

Last day of two-a-days today, and you can really tell around here, because Kyle Larson just got shanked in the cafeteria. I told him not to go in there on meatloaf days; those animals just can’t control themselves. Where are the guards in this place? I’m already carrying pepper spray in each hand when I walk through the dorms. Maybe I should get a Taser.

The Warden says I look good. I just want to play football, but I don’t know if I can do it here.

August 11

Just finished our preseason game with Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers told me how much pressure he’s been under this offseason. Whatever. Wait until your offensive line tries to rape you in the shower, Aaron. Try eluding that rush and get back to me. He doesn’t know how good he has it over there. I’d rather live in Green Bay than Cincinnati. I think I’d rather live in Rosie O’Donnell’s ass than Cincinnati.

This place is really starting to get to me.

Thanks, Ryan! Can’t wait to hear more from you as the season continues!

Look, Judith. I know you’re a busy girl, you’re some big-time actress and all that. You have way more important people to talk to than me, so I’m gonna cut to the chase. I’ll put all my cards on the table. That’s just the kinda guy I am. So here goes, Judith.

I really, really want to fuck you, Judith. I want to fuck you so bad, I can taste it. I wanna hollow you out like an unassembled Twinkie, and then blast you full with a load of my special creamy filling. You like Twinkies, Judith? Think of an eight-inch twinkie that looks just like a cock.  That’s what I’ve got with a big red bow on it. Just for you.

You and me, Judith, we HAVE to hook it up right now, or my dong is gonna explode so badly that Homeland Security’s gonna search my asshole for WMDs. We’ve gotta fuck now. I don’t care how we do it. Or when. Or where. That coat check room looks pretty good. There’s a nice little alcove in the kitchen area. Oh, did I mention the alley outside?

Whatever you do, don’t take all your clothes off right away. I hate that shit. I know just the thing to get us started: you can sit on my face while I read your IMDb page to you — get ready to moan when I get to your performance as Zuleika in Joseph: King of Dreams. You just nailed that character, Judith. And now I’m gonna nail you.

Can you feel it, Judith? Can you feel that tension in the air? Holy shit, I can feel my balls curling up like a cobra, ready to strike. And spew venom. If you had a flute and a turban, you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants. And I’d let you. I’m a sucker for Vivaldi, just so you know.

So think about it., Judith. You don’t have to answer right away, but do it soon. I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback. Have your people call my people, and let’s get this party started.

Chris Matthews: So one of Obama’s top aides has suddenly resigned. Samantha Power left when a Scottish newspaper quoted her as referring to Hillary Clinton as quote “a monster” endquote. Hey, isn’t this just like a football game when the big guy’s body gives out and he’s no longer good for action?

Tim Russert, how is Barack Obama gonna pull this off now with such a significant member of his team gone for good?

Tim?

I need a ruling on this…

The Olympics are coming up and I really need to get this straightened out before anything gets started over there. It is okay to lust after girls that appear to be pre-pubescent, but are actually, um…Okay, let me start over.

You see, most gymnasts work out so strenuously that they can’t menstruate until after they’ve finished competing. So unless the “If there’s grass on the field…” qualifier trumps the “If she’s old enough to bleed…” qualifier, we’re probably dead in the water already.

But let’s suppose that it does. You think about the happy place on a girl that’s about 4-foot-8 and can probably curl 35 pounds with her Fallopian tubes. That particular region is probably so tight that even the most modestly-endowed men could find such confines friendly and inviting.

I mean, they don’t look like pre-teenage girls. Some of them are even in their twenties. Okay sure, the occasional balance beamer might look like JonBenet after she went though Shawne Merriman’s medicine cabinet, but most of them look like fresh-faced, wholesome, All-American girls. That don’t wear pants.

I’m still torn. I’ll have to slap this issue around more and get back to you.

Some of you assholes would score a little more ‘tang if you just opened your eyes and paid attention to the world around you. The reason all of these girls are dating assholes is because they want men that are assertive. They don’t really care if he’s frequently wrong about driving directions or occasionally punches them in the face. That’s the price of doing business to them. These broads are all about the ACTION!

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But Punte, I’m broke. I can’t afford to show women a good time. It’s a waste of money when I’m not even guaranteed sex.” You’re not paying attention, dick. Did we learn nothing from the legend of El Guapho?

“Why don’t you just take her? When you want cattle, you take the cattle. When you want food, you take the food. When you want a woman…you just take the woman. Why don’t you just take her?”

Now, I’m not advocating…you know. Well, I am, but in a subtle way. If she comes out and says, “Please stop having sex with me or I will contact the authorities!” then the jig’s up, bro. But of course you could gag her beforehand, or just wait until she falls asleep. But if you do that, you should cover her face with a towel, so the sweat from all your hard work doesn’t wake her up.

Oh, and one other thing. If you take that silent ninja route, you’re probably not going to get her off, so don’t try. I just thought I’d point that out.

I’m glad we had this chance to talk.

Well well well. Look who just got scraped off the track.

Listen here, bitch. You may think you’re somebody. You might think that your tragic end got some of us weepy up here. You might even think that just because you came in second that you might have a little more clout up here than Big B. Well guess what, you dirty little slut. I own this fucking town. Which means I own you. Let that percolate in your little horse brain for a minute.

Actually, It’s a good thing you showed up, because I’ve done nothing but jerk off into that long skinny tube for over a year. Oh, sure, I could bang some of the broads up here, but they don’t do it for me. I like athletes. And I’ve got a feeling that you’re gonna like me, too. Like me in your ass, that is.

First thing I’m gonna do is walk you over here and fuck the cocktease right out of you. You’ve never had a gluestick like mine. You think that jockey rode you into the ground? You have no idea. Now hold still. Lemme just get…ah, there we go. Oooh, damn. Baby, you’re so wet. I knew you wanted me. I could hear it in your neigh. You want my cock, bitch? Here we go. Oh, shit, you feel–Ohhh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. OH SWEET MOTHER FUCKER!! AND DOWN THE STRETCH I COME!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!! OH GOD!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oooohh, uuugghh. Whoa. Baby, I swear, I usually go a lot longer than that.