Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

“Ze peanut ist ze only pure nut! Exterminate ze cashjews!”

On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now.

July 30th: Chris Mortensen is reporting that there is a bus behind him. This bus, Mort explains, is the most lavish vehicle that has ever been in his charge, and admits that he’ll have a difficult time keeping his journalistic principles in check during the trip. “This is ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, reporting in front of my new 18-wheeled passport into the panties of women in 21 different NFL cities.” That it is, Mort. That it is.

August 4th: Mort visits Green Bay and has a delightful encounter with Darlene, a waitress at a nearby diner. “”Titletown doesn’t have the same level of talent that I’ve seen in Dallas , Tennessee, and Atlanta,” Mort tells us. “I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.” Mort and Darlene reportedly reached a deal. Terms were not disclosed.

August 6th: Mort’s bus rolls into Bourbonnais, Illinois for Bears camp. While looking for directions, Mort meets Kelli (with an “i”), an spohomore-to-be at Olivet Nazarene and, according to anonymous reports within the school, a very bad girl. Kelli tells Mort that Bourbonnais is located squarely within Kankakee County, and proposes that Mort gather some of the Bears together for a Kankakee-kkake. Mort leaves immediately, hoping to confirm the county’s whimsical name with a second source.

August 8th: Allen Park, Michigan, a town deader than the flying wedge or VHS format, but Mort manages to find life in Lions camp with Lisa, a PR intern responsible for distributing press releases to working media present in camp. Mort repays Lisa the favor with a release of his own.

August 10th: Mort finds himself in Latrobe, Pennsylvania with Kim, a 27-year-old lifeguard at a nearby community pool. Mort responds to Kim’s taunts of Steelers domination in the recent Super Bowl by proposing “one for the taint.” Kim is down with it.

Chris Mortensen reported that copious amounts of ass was there to be had, but that it was still too early to declare a clear favorite. Preseason, after all, is about getting reps for the younger people and sharpening skills for the veterans. Only one side can come out on top at the end of the campaign, Mort says. Here’s hoping that Mort gets a few more miles out of that bus before it’s time for the grind of a new NFL season.

Do you think the Pope masturbates? I really don’t have any leaning one way or the other on the matter, but this is where I’m torn. First of all, dude is probably so powerful that he can get his knob slobbered on by just about anyone he wants (bad news for all the youngsters entering junior high in the Vatican). But then, wouldn’t he just be all, “Screw this, I’m the Pope, and I feel like giving the Kid Pope a coupla tugs.” I really don’t know how this would turn out, so if you happen to be a former Pope and could bring some insight to this debate, your correspondence would be appreciated.

We lead off with a non-question. It was just such a bizarre email–whether it was intended for the sexbag or not–that I just had to show it some love:

Hey fellas,
so I have a story I’d like to share…I’m a fan of and read the KSK
and follow all links, NSFW or not, and this brings me to the point
where I forgot I followed the link with the words of “we’re gunna need
a bigger boat” and 5 months later a drunk lady friend wants to show a
friend of mine some porn and tries to go to redtube.com and thinks I
had it bookmarked only to see the shark getting it on. after quite a
bit of ridicule from my friends I obtain the nickname of: shark porn.
so I’d like to thank you for helping me achieve this nickname.

—————
Dear Shark Porn:

Anyway, onto the actual mailbag:

Purveyors of Pigskin and Poon-

Sex: I recently started seeing this girl about a month ago, and things have been going very well, with one noticeable exception. We’ve had several marathon makeout sessions, but as of yet we haven’t gotten know each other carnally.

Jesus fucking Christ, Willie. You on a deadline or something?

We saw each other last night and during another makekout session, I broached the subject of what her timetable typically is for getting down to business, and after some hesitation on her part, she dropped a bit of a bomb on me- she hasn’t as of yet cashed in her V Card.

Wait a second…they GIVE YOU CASH FOR THOSE THINGS?!

So, one the one hand I felt relived, as my previous question to her was (jokingly) if she had a dick. But on the other hand, her revelation to me was still a bit of a shock. Now, with this in mind, here’s some much needed context- we’re both in our 30s, and she explained that she went through high school and college thinking she should save herself for marraige. She made the decision in her mid-20s to scrap the idea of chastity, but never got around to having her. Also, I’m not looking at this as an excuse to bail, since we get along great and in such a short time we’ve gotten very comfortable with each other. However, I am looking for advice on how to approach this moving forward- specifically, what to expect from her and how to deal with it.

The best and worst part of all of this is that you’re starting from square one. You’ve been tapped (heh, tapped) as her official ambassador to Happyland, and that can be pretty cool. It can also be annoying as fuck.

Basically, you’re standing at the tee of a 350-yard par 4; that is to say, you can play any club in the bag here. But remember, the objective here is repeat business, so it’s not a bad idea to march south past the equator through the jungle rather than jumping on a direct flight. Then again, if you do that and she’s expecting a wild, hair-pulling fuck, you run the risk of disappointment. Chick logic dictates that you explore the course of action that you think she’ll like least, because that’s probably what she’ll like best. I don’t get it, either.

Football: Last year I managed to strike rookie gold for my fantasy team and finished 9th in my 12 team league.

That doesn’t sound like gold. That sounds more like boron. It’s one of the noble dipshit elements.

I drafted Forte and Slaton in the 2nd and 7th rounds, respectively, and picked up Matt Ryan, who was a 22nd round pick. So the question is this- should I target a stud WR in the 1st round this season? A lot of the top RBs- Peterson, Turner, MJD, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson- all figure to be kept, meaning guys like Steven Jackson, Portis, Westbrook and LT going in the first 4-5 picks.

If your keeper league starts two running backs (I play in one that doesn’t), and you can get value at RB with your number one, do it. Never mind your wideout situation at that point; you grab the best available player at that point, who typically is also the most scarce. Somebody in your league will be emailing you the day after the draft wondering what it will take for you to part with DeAngelo Willams or Kevin Smith. I find wideouts to have a lot of variance from year to year–I don’t expect Kurt Warner to pull magic out of his ass again, and I’d rather not pin my draft on the promise of Greg Jennings, either. Good luck fucking your girlfriend and your draft. You’ll find great satisfaction in both.

Dear KSK/Anyone who gives a fuck,

Fantasy football first: I’m in a league that scores 6 points per TD, regardless of position. So, is it worth taking Brady 1st overall? Or should I just wait to get a QB in the 2nd round?

Quarterbacks are first-round picks when TD passes are worth 6 points. Mid- to late-first round picks. But you have to go QB-RB or you’re fucked, and by “quarterbacks,” I don’t mean “Matt Hasselbeck.” I’m looking at you, futuremrsrickankiel.

Sex…Or lack there of: So I’m 22 and have yet to have sex. I know, go buy a prosty…Gotchya. You have my word that when I turn 23, I’m going to pay to have sex (how sad is that…). That’s not the problem. See, there’s this girls (thank God) that I’ve known for about 6 and a half years now. Now we’re just friends, according to her, but we’ve done shit two or three times together. And by shit I mean fingerbangin, an over the pants hand job and hell I even went down on her for like…5 seconds.

Five seconds?! Were you just in a hurry? Did you perform this with your head sticking out of a moving car window?

She is easily the hottest girl I know. Short, pretty as hell, great tits/body and an ass that essentially makes me weep when she’s naked/wearing shorts.

Because those are basically the same thing.

Now this is the only ‘experience’ I have, while she’s a bit more experienced than I am. I don’t know if I actually have feelings for this girl, but I mean, we basically spend every day together and everyone thinks we’re married with the way we argue/talk to each other. And she’s even said she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she doesn’t want to be my first. So seriously, what the fuck? Does this chick like me? Am I just convenient? Is there even a way, besides getting plastered with her, where we can do it? My testicles hurt when we’re just hanging out.

Chris in Toronto

This is where a horrible double standard comes into play–men are not allowed to be bad at sex. Oh, sure, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but even the most progressive women realize that it’s the man’s job to mount his woman and perform. And perform you must.

It really is a train wreck of bodies, emotions and semen. Mostly semen, but you can understand why this friend of yours doesn’t want to be placed at the scene, your five-second taco lunch notwithstanding. If you really like this girl, you might consider bringing in another girl into the fold that you may or may not actually have sex with. When your friend finds out that you might be getting your Tex Mex elsewhere, she might be more inclined to partake in your cherry-popping.

What up, faggety fags!

- No hang time guy

Stop eating so much processed sugar. And take Mendenhall.

Gents,

Football first: I am in a 16 team 4 player keeper league that’s pretty compeditive.

I’m sure that it’s really cuddthroat.

I draft dead last and am not keeping a quarterback. That said, I need to go QB with my first pick, or risk marching out mouth breathers like JaMarcus Russell and Shaun Hill. Who are your choices for second tier sleepers this year?

Don’t flip out if you can’t find a quarterback on your first trip up and down the board. There will be plenty of QBs available even after the first five rounds. For a sleeper, I really like Kerry Collins this year. The absence of Albert Haynesworth on the Titans’ D-Line is going to put that team behind in more games this year, and they’ll be counting on Collins to air-deliver salvation for them. While the Titans will struggle in a finally-competitive AFC South, Collins’ numbers should get a nice boost.

Sex: I am dating a really great girl, and I must say, the sex is amazing….at night. Unlike any woman I have ever been with, she refuses to give it up in the morning.

I gotta stop you there. I really can’t stand morning sex. The morning is My Time to be grumpy and insensitive toward everything. You know, before I sit down in front of the laptop each workday. Anyway…

She blames her lack of a morning labedo on her disgust for morning breath, so I have even tried showering and brushing my teeth before crawling back into bed with her and giving her the business. I have even explained that I will gladly do all the work, and it really is a super way to start the day. We get it on nearly every night, but I am batting about .106 in my efforts to get her to give up the “morning glory”…what else can I do?

This reminds me of a semi-funny story from a guy I knew that drove a beer truck in Cincinnati. He’s laying (lying?) in bed, asleep when his disgruntled wife elbows him in the ribs, awakening him. When he turns toward his bride to sort out her issue, she whispers into his ear, “Give me a hummer.” Bear in mind that this was in 1997, so she wasn’t talking about the SUV. But seriously, don’t beat this thing to death; you continually asking her to do it won’t warm her up to the idea. I suggest modifying your approach, possibly beating the alarm by 20 minutes or so, and then putting a vertical smile on your face.

Futbaw first: I’m pretty high on Jason Witten this year.

Bad idea, but please continue.

Basically I’d consider taking him above all wideouts except for Moss, Fitzgerald, and Calvin and Andre Johnson.

Bad, bad idea.

I just can’t see Tony Romo actually getting the ball downfield to his wideouts now that T.O. is gone, and he’s always loved to throw to Witten. Two problems: I hate the Cowboys, and I’m afraid our delightfully insane friend Martellus Bennett is going to take some catches away from Witten. Specifically, I hate the Cowboys so much that I’ve never drafted one, and Bennett looks like he could well turn in to a poor man’s Antonio Gates one of these days. Given those qualms, whadya think about my idea of drafting Witten ahead of all but 4 or 5 wide receivers?

Uh…

Our league allows WR/TE subbing.

Good to know. Say, you looking to join any more leagues?

Sex: I’m a rising college sophomore.

Rising all the way to 12th place in your fantasy league.

Over the past year or so I’ve been fooling around with a lady friend who attends a college out-of-state and visits my school often (we share a mutual friend at my school).

You two share him? That’s hot. And at least 50 percent gay for you.

She’s a bit of a tease. While we’ve gotten close, the deed has never been done. As a lover of the chase this wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem for me, but she’s cost me sure sex with other girls on two occasions now.

One time I was flirting with a girl that I’d previously slept with (and was about to sleep with again) and literally blew her off cold when Tease walked up and made it clear that she didn’t like my flirting with this other girl. I turn my attention to Tease and we wind up in bed again. I haven’t been that pushy with regards to our failure to actually have sex, but this time she eventually whispers that she wants me to fuck her. This is about as green as the light can get, but in the ten seconds between “I want you to fuck me” and my hands reaching her underwear she apparently changes her mind. I back off accordingly.

Ten seconds? TEN SECONDS?! Sheesh…Skip to the 3:00 mark.

Class dismissed.

It’s time to discuss football and sex. And once summer ends, you really shouldn’t be investing your time in anything else. There’s nothing better for the soul, and when either is performed well, one is inclined to scream wonderful things from the top of one’s lungs. It only seems appropriate that we pool our resources to be the best football watchers and significant others that we can be. As the flamboyantly profound MC Hammer once said, “Ring the bell, sucka. School’s back in.”

Sex First: I am attending my buddy’s wedding this weekend and was looking for some advice. I haven’t attended a wedding of any sort since i was in grade school, so i’m looking for as many tips as possible. We went to college together, but i’m not part of the wedding party, so i don’t have any obligations except to get drunk and make passes at the female contingent. I imagine since you guys would have a wealth of wedding dos and don’ts based on your own wedding experiences. I’m currently riding a dry spell so any advice to pick up drunk bridesmaids would be well appreciated.

Weddings are fertile grounds for hooking up: everyone’s dressed up, plenty of common topics for idle chatter, music in the air…and all the single women are depressed. Even the ones with boyfriends. But getting the actual face-to-face is the hardest part. So here’s some advice, in your requested do’s and don’t’s form:

DO dress well. Iron your fucking shirt. But it’s too late to get a haircut. People at weddings with fresh haircuts are annoying. Don’t be that asshole.

DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake. I prefer mixing rum-and-diets with actual diets in alternating trips to the bar. I’m taking trips to the bar because EVERYONE IS AT THE FUCKING BAR. If you’re not talking to people in line–whether it’s with someone you find interesting, or with someone else so that someone interesting can listen in and perhaps interject–you are wasting your time.

DO scout out make-out spots beforehand. Closets and coat rooms obviously are good. Cars are not. Be leery of SUVs, even. But tagging along in the event of a random trip to CVS is always a strong play.

DON’T overcommit. But if someone great wanders up to you in the first half-hour, don’t feel pressured to turn her away. You’re not casting the next Tomb Raider movie. You’re trying to get your dick wet.

And if you want to be an asshole, you could buy the newly wed couple a nicer wedding gift and then brag about it in passing, go for it. Women like assholes for some reason. Look at Rihanna.

Football: I’m in a 10 team Auction League ($100 budget) and was wondering how high you would go for some second tier QB’s. I usually aim for bargains like McNabb or Hasselbeck, and i was wondering what QB’s this year could qualify for the $10-14 winning bid and produce excellent numbers in return?

Virgin Wedding Crasher

Hasselbeck is a great value option; dude never seems to get enough fantasy love. Schaub will be cheap (if he stays healthy, he’ll have a breakout year). Flacco and Pennington kinda scare me, but they’ll be cheap as well. I don’t recommend being too frugal at RB or QB in auction leagues. Good luck.

Football First,

I am a Browns fan (insert joke here).

Fuck the Browns.

2 part question -

Are we going to beat the Steelers at least before they win another Super Bowl?

Mangini was the Vapors of the NFL. The Browns make the Washington Nationals look poised and respectable as an organization. And I like the fact that Cleveland spends the money in free agency, but they’ve remained hopeless. Pittsburgh will probably sweep the division this year. If they can beat Baltimore three times last year after playing the toughest schedule in the league, there’s no hope for anyone.

Sex,

Every woman I’ve dated in the past few years has gone on to marry the next guy she dates. I am the living, breathing Good Luck Chuck (only women don’t know this so no sex).

I don’t know what the hell you just said.

I even introduced one of my ex girlfriends to her husband on Myspace. I forwarded his profile to her because I thought it was funny (he had a flaming bag on his head). They started chatting and next thing I know I’m dumped and she’s married.

What can I say: Chicks dig bags.

I’ve taken myself out of the dating scene for a year now because I just needed a break from all the heartache. In this time, I’ve looked at A LOT of porn. But now I’m ready to get back out there. The question is – How much porn is too much? I don’t think I look at too much (probably an hour a day) but I guess I wanted to get a feel for what you and the readers think. I’ve grown accustomed to my foot fetish and anal pics/videos and just don’t want to start dating someone and have them think I’m a weirdo. Or am I?

Horny in Ohio

If you have the mental wherewithal to actually time how much porn you look at, you have an issue. Instead of working out your frustrations in front of your monitor, put some pants on and start jogging outside. Because nobody wants to date a benevolent masturbator with a poor cardiovascular system. And get the fuck off MySpace. What are you, 19?

Dear Kooky Sex Krackers (see what I did there!),

Clever.

Football first. I know that there is a general hatred of Lee Evans for fantasy purposes. But with TO on the other side (in contrast to his former companions in Josh Reed, Peerless Price, Roscoe Parrish, among other sucktastic receivers), is he a viable option as a #2/3 receiver in a 10 team league? I end up drafting him every year, and usually regret it, and then I swear to myself that I won’t do it again the next year. Please tell me that this is the year that I wouldn’t be a fucking retard for spending a 7th/8th round pick on him. And also, after watching TO’s reality show, I’d like to smack both of his publicists with a frying pan. I’m guessing I’m not alone there.

That logic of a marquee player acquisition improving the stats of the guys around him is always solid. Don’t be the guy that judges players entirely on what they did the year before. This could be Evans’ year, but knowing his fantasy history, he might pop an MCL just to spite us all.

Now to the sex. I’ll start with some quick background info. I was with this girl a for few years, I was kind of an asshole, and she broke up with me. A short while later, she started dating one of my friends, which for obvious reasons, kind of pissed me off. Fast forward to now. About a month ago, she called me, seemingly just to patch things up and catch up. She’s still with that same guy, and I didn’t really think anything of her call. She then called me a few more times “just to talk.” So whatever, still not a big deal…until this past weekend when she sent me a photo of her cleavage with the words “we miss you.” She called me the next day and said she wanted to see me, which I can only assume means she wants to bang me.

That wasn’t exactly quick, but go on.

I really have no interest in getting back together with her (I was an asshole for a reason; because she’s fucking whiny/annoying, moreso than most girls. Plus, she’s pretty mediocre looking), and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. She’s not really the whorish type, but it seems like she’s looking for some lovin. I don’t go after girls who have boyfriends, cause that shit is fucked up. But, I’m thinking I should make an exception in this case, considering the circumstances.

Your hate has made you powerful.

I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.

Uh-huh.

Plus, there are some things I would like to do during sex, that, you know, I couldn’t do when I actually cared what she thought about it afterward. Your thoughts?

Revenge fucks, seriously, are the best. There’s very little–pay attention here, ladies–there’s very little more satisfying to a man’s primitive instincts than an ex crawling back with the veritable “I fucked up” sign around her head. Such a woman becomes a beacon for emotional abuse. You can almost run over her with her own car without facing retribution (and not have to fill it back up with gas!)

And be sure to give plenty of attention to those breasts. They missed you.

Dear Goo Guzzlers,

Fantasy Football: I never bought into the “pick 2 RBs first” strategy (yes, I’m aware that has gone mostly by the wayside the last couple years.) In fact, every year I seem to pick a QB first… and I win or consistently finish in the top ~3 of our 12 team league (unless Tom Brady gets hurt, like the puffy labia lip he is…)

That’s usually a solid play when you’re picking late in the first round, especially when your league awards 6 points for passing touchdowns. You were saying…

I generally play by “choose the best available player at the time” rule, and steer it towards the positions that have holes (Priority: QB, RBs, WRs, etc.) My question is: Other than Purple Messiah or possibly Turner… can you convince me *not* to pick Tom or Peyton with my first pick? Even if Tom isn’t 100% and Peyton is starting on the downhill slope of his career… I *know* I’m going to get 300 yards and 2 TDs out of these guys minimum every single game, and then once every 4 games (or more, depending on how they are doing that year) they are going to single-handedly win your game for you.

This will probably be the last great year Pey-pey has to offer you. He still plays in a dome and still has lots of talent surrounding him, but he’s breaking in a new head coach, one that kinda irritates me for a lot of reasons, and that’s typically the first rung of falling down the ladder. As for Brady, he’s not first-round value this year. Be happy if he’s gone before you pick second, because that person didn’t do his homework.

What other players are that consistent that you can guarantee they are worth a higher pick? RBs have a tendency these days to run by committee anyway, so I just pay attention after the first week and pick up free agents to fill in any particularly weak holes in my RB or WR slots. It seems to me that paying attention to the free agent list the first couple weeks of the season is way more important than picking a RB in the first round. Fastest clicker wins…

You’re right about the fastest-clicker thing; that’s why I typically endorse a waiver period after all games are played. It’s more fair, and more advantageous to the guy that has nothing better to do on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon than the guy that stays up all night prowling the wire. Save your higher picks for QBs, two or three RBs, and one WR. Don’t burn an early pick on a second wideout. You’d just be guessing at that point.

More coming in Part II.

I dunno whut Coach Childruss wus luggin forr in mah throwin moshin. I throw guud! I bin throwin to dem hahh skewl boyz en they guud at kitchen bawls frum ol’ Brittfarr. Wun day cupple weeks ugo ol’ Brittfarr was throwin’ dem bawls wit da boys reel guud. An den ol’ Peedur Keng gon’ cummon down hear ulda tamm en be awl, [in falsetto voice] “Hey there, sexy Bretty. Wanna come punch that ticket to Canton, big boy?”

An den I gitoll embarsed an say, Nossir, Misser Keng, yew is uh perfesshunal jern-o-list, en yew just playin’ widdoll Brittfarr, aincha? But den he jus keepsonnit an he gon be all, “Now now, Bretty baby. Come back to the Mariott and you can stir my sugar.” But he ain’ talkin bout no shuggur. Unless yew talkin bout da shuggur dat an ol’ feller likesa keep in’is butt.

But ol’ Peeder gon make shur Brittfarr git inda Holla Fayma, so I hadta walkit on back too da Mariott. En yeah, ol’ Brittfarr took a big stir on da buttshuggur. Ol’ throwin’ motion dint feel so guud after dat.

An den I wint back to da feeled whure da boys wure, en onuddum ask whut ol’ Brittfarr wuz doin’. Now I din’t tellum bout stirrin dat buttshuggur. Das pri-vit. So ol’ Britt made uppa lil fib en said, Ol’ Brittfarr wuz pumping HGH. En dey ask wuz HGH? I sad I dunno. But den ol’ Britt found out dat da nixt day, da whole teem winnout en got dem sum HGH. Good thang I didn’t tellum bout the buttshuggur or ol’ Peeter woodna bin able to walk for three dadgum weeks.

We’re always impressed when we get letters from people around the NFL. It still kinda blows our collective minds that this blog gets all the attention that it does in the sports universe. But we were doubly surprised when we received an email from Rex Ryan, who of course is the new coach for the New York Jets, who asked us to share a message with you on his behalf. We were flattered by the gesture, and only too happy to oblige, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was just another form letter that he sends out regularly to random groups of people. Read it after the jump and tell us if we’re just crazy.

Received: from [66.41.157.4] by web36702.mail.nyjets.com via HTTP; Wed, 24 Jun 2009 18:40:07 PDT
X-Mailer: NFLMailRC/1357.18 NFLMailWebService/0.7.289.15
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 2009 18:40:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: Rex Ryan
Subject: Open letter (please share with your readers)
To: kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com
——————————————————

Dear Friends Of KSK:

Hye Ftololba fnas, wahs’t hppanenig? Rxe Rayn hree. Tihs hsa bene teh frist yare fo perpraenig fro teh Jtes saseon. Is’t bene gdoo os fra. Raelly Gdoo. I flee lkie I hvae dreseved hits fro a lnog tmei now. Adn I lkoo frodarw ot esenig hawt we cna od twih ym now tmae.

Teh Ftololba saeson si liek a sxey wmona wthi hgue ttsi. Yuo wnat ot raehc fro teh ttsiies rgiht awya, btu yuo msut risest! Yuo ndee ot biudl pu ot teh ttsiies whit kssies nad hlodnig hnads nad smoetmies donig wrok aournd teh husoe. I kown, I htae ti oto! Btu tehn wneh yuo hvae biult teh fnoudatoin, teh ttsiies wlli cmoe ot yuo! Hwo aweosme si taht?

Gdoo lkuc hits saseon ot lla yuor taems, nad ot tehir caohces. Mnay caohces dn’ot lsat lnog ni teh NLF thsee dyas. Nad godo lcuk ni yuor prenasol nedavors. Jsut bleivee ni yuorslef nad ees teh jbos ot teh end. Gdoseepd.

Snicreley,

“Dyslexy Rexy”

Rex Ryan,
Head Coach
New York Jets

Ashlee: Hey? Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!

Britnee: Hang on, Britnee. I’ll help you look!

Courtnee: There’s a puppy across the street! That makes me happy!

 Ashlee: Not now, Courtnee! I have to find my contact! Or the varsity will leave without us!

Britnee: Just ignore her. She always gets stupid when puppies are around. 

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

 Ashlee: Stupid bitch.

Britnee: We’ll find it, let’s just keep looking. 

Ashlee: Thanks, Brit. You’re such a good friend!

Courtnee: I think I’ll find that puppy a stick! [runs off]

Ashlee: I hope she impales herself on that stick!

Britnee: I hope that dog eats her whole stupid face.

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

Ashlee: [yelling] Stupid bitch!

Britnee: So Ashlee?

Ashlee: Yeah, Brit?

Britnee: I want to eat your asshole out.

Ashlee: …what?

Britnee: It’s just that…I really like you, Ash. I just think that you’re so pretty, and I love being your friend. But I…I want to be more than just your friend.

Ashlee: But…you ARE more than my friend. You’re my best friend, Brit!

Britnee: Ashlee, I have to tongue out your anus. I need this. I need you. I need your butt.

Ashlee: Brit…you’re really making me uncomfortable.

Britnee: Just…just give me ten minutes. Okay? Five minutes? Just let me get the lay of the land in Hershey Valley.

Ashlee: No!

Britnee: Please?

Ashlee: [pauses] I found it! [pulls contact out of the grass and runs off]

Britnee: Dammit. [yelling] Come on Courtnee, let’s okay!

Courtnee: That doggie was really neat! I named him Fred!

Britnee: Whatever, let’s just go before Ashlee leaves us here.

Courtnee: Okay. So…is Ashlee gonna let you rim her?

Britnee: Oh yeah, I’m gonna lick that pooper til there’s no hole left.

Courtnee: Nice. Just don’t grab her by the insides of her thighs. She hates that. [Courtnee runs up to the car]

Britnee: CUNT!

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” [NSFW]

♫Yeah we movin’ on up! Mooooovin’ on up! To da east siiiiide! Moooooovin’ on up! To a deeeeeluxe muthafuckin’ White House, in da ska-ha-haaaaaaa! ♪ Yeah we kickin’ out dat crackah Bush and that lunchlady wife of his and we gonna do dis up Chi-town style, niggas! We gonna party like it’s ya birthday, but if y’all think I’m sharin’ my celebration weed, Y’ALL CRAZY!

Y’all know how HARD it is to get my hands on some shit these days? Muthafuckas stoppin’ me in da park n’ shit all, “Ain’t you married to that one nigga?” And I be all, “Shut up, fool! Just gimme somma dat damn–

[cell phone rings]

Muthafucka, hang da fuck on fuh second…Good morning, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Ms. Couric how are you today?…Alright, Katie then…We’re doing fine. We’re truly inspired on this day. The American people have spoken, and now it’s up to Barack to deliver to America, and the world…Well, thank you, Katie, we certainly appreciate your support…Bye bye now.

Fuck dat bitch. Once my nigga Barry and I git moved in ‘n shit, we lockin’ up all the crackas in America. We startin’ a cracka Auschwitz n’ shit. Don’t y’all be givin’ me that look, muthafuckas. Y’all had y’all’s chance, now we gonna do this up PROPER! We gon hang a giant wooden fork and spoon up in dat big’ol dining hall. We gettin’ a log cabin bong for da Lincoln bedroom n’ shit, and then? WE GON SMOKE SOME WEEEEEEED! WE GON SMOKE SOME WEEEEEED! WE GON –

[cell phone rings]

Damn, fools! Don’t ch’all know I’m plottin’ out my LOGISTICS? Hang on…Good morning, this is Michelle…OPRAH! Hey, girl! Y’all comin’ up tonight?…Well, shit, girl, I just have to suck his dick by MY DAMN SELF then. Yeah, aight girl…Holla.

Com’on now! Let’s get this shit rollin’! Y’all know they spent a hunnud seventy million on this shit today? Think of all the weed we coulda bought with that shit! Hope ‘n change! Change ‘n hope! Smoke some weed! ♫ Ain’t no mountain high enough! And no cracker rich enough! Ain’t no bong dat’s big enough! To git me to give a shit about you, mothafucka! ♪ Aw, shit! Time to go, my niggas! Peace out!

And after all this shit, WE GON DRANK!

INT Giants’ Practice Facility. Friday. 4:38 AM.

[Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo unlocks the front door, and walks in]

Two more days of prep and then we face the Eagles. Yeah, sure, it’s only McNabb and Andy Reid that we’re up against, but you never know when those meatheads are gonna wake up and actually play like they’re supposed to. Nobody wants to be McNabb’s bitch, and it’s not happening on us this weekend. It’s our last day of prep today, then a walkthrough tomorrow. Game on Sunday. Time to get your gameface on, Steve. Get fired up.

Sigh. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about still being in the hunt, but I’m ready for a break. I’m so worn out. I haven’t seen my wife in a month. And I’m sick of looking at these same assholes day after day. I wish I…I really wish I wasn’t so lonely right now.

[stops at receptionist's desk]

Hey, there’s a donut left over from yesterday. Chocolate covered, too. My favorite. Wait, it’s not cream-filled. Still a nice surprise, though. Amazing that Coach Gilbride didn’t eat that donut and the box with it. Thank you, donut. You’re a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

[pulls donut out of box]

Oh, my, donut. You’re so firm and [licks fingers] sugary. I bet your other 11 friends weren’t so sweet, were they? Hey relax, donut, it’s just me. Don’t act like you do around those other guys. Spags wants the real deal, you dirty bitch.

Tell me how you like it, you little chocolate whore. Don’t act you can’t feel what’s going on between us. As soon as I get these pants off, you’re gonna see a stunt package you’ll never for—mmm, there it is.

Damn, donut, you feel so good. I like the way your glaze flakes off onto my scrote. It tickles so damn good. Maybe someday you can meet my mother, and you two can talk about yeast and all that shit. Let’s go a little faster now…

Oh, God, donut, you’re gonna make me come. Oh, that’s it. Don’t — Aw, don’t stop.

Oooh, goddammit that’s it, you’re gonna…OOOOH GOD!

OOOOOH SHIT!

OOOOOOHHH!

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWAWAWAWAWAWAWAW!

UUUUNNNGGGHHH!

OOOOOOOoooooooohhhhh…

Aaaahhhhhhhhh, donut.

Mmmmmmmmm.

You’re cream-filled now, you little slut. Tell Gilbride I said hello.

[puts donut back in the box]