I feel like we’ve all done this before.

But it’s true. This is my last post at KSK. Read the rest of this entry »

Casey Anthony: So look, you guys. I’m not SAYING that I actually did it, but if I did, I totes would have had a good reason for it. Do you know how expensive it is to get a babysitter these days? Almost as much as a bottle of Jack! How was I supposed to get my groove on with THIS STUPID KID following me around all the time. And they always WANT STUFF! I had to go to bars and flirt with guys to buy me drinks, just to get away from that.

Yeah, so if I actually did that, I really like saved myself money! Isn’t it SO STUPID that other people actually take their kids with them to do stuff? Sorry, I have a life! I need to be my own person! I mean, that would be a totes valid reason for knocking my child unconscious and duct-taping her nose and mouth shut. What, I have to BRING YOU YOUR OWN AIR, you little jerk?

Some of you people are already calling me the white OJ. That’s so sdumb. Why would orange juice ever be white? It comes from oranges. Duh! If you want to make white orange juice, why don’t you get some white oranges. And I don’t even know where those are.

[door succumbs to moral pandering] Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Goodell,

My name is Timmy and I want to help you fix the NLF lockout. It is not good when peeple disagree on things and money and I want to help.

I think you should yell at the owners and the players. Yelling is not nice but like my daddy says sometimes peeple have shit in their eers and need a little pepp in their steps. When my brother Joey doesn’t clean his room Daddy yells at him and Joey cries and then cleans his room. When Joey wants ice cream and I have the last bowl he yells at me and I cry and then he takes my ice cream.

Sometimes when Daddy comes home late Mommy yells at him a lot, but then he hits her in the face and she either stops or she sleeps in the car. My dad says you should try that with Mike Brown. I thought he was a basketball coach?

When Mommy asked Daddy for more money to buy a new necklace he pushed her down the stairs and she hit her head. Mommy said to tell all my friends that she just fell and wasn’t drop kicked in the face like John Cena. I didn’t want to but then she gave me ice cream.

The football players want more money but you should say no to them. That is greedy. Uncle Tim says that football players are just a bonch of hooligans. What is a hooligan? Is that like when the UPS man parks around the corner and helps Mommy rearrange the furniture in the bedroom?

I am here to help you so I cant wate to heer from you.

Yours Truly,

Timmy

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no more exciting period in the spring than the NFL Draft, but once the draft is over, my time and energy goes to my second passion: ranking and grading the rising stars in the world of porn. Whether or not the NFL extends its lockout into regular season, the hard-working men and women of the adult film industry will be working harder than ever. And if you think earning a living in pro football is tough, you don’t know the half of it. Read the rest of this entry »

RECE DAVIS: Hello again, everyone. Rece Davis along with NFL insider Adam Schefter. As the league’s 32 teams are about to get ready for training camp, you’re just about to head out on the road, yourself. You’ll be joining Chris Mortensen on a cross-country bus tour to visit every NFL team. Read the rest of this entry »

New Orleans, your 15 minutes are up.

After the earthquake in Haiti earlier this week, you are no longer the devastation darling that endeared you to so many Americans back in 2005. You wooed us with your water damage, and the plight of your people tugged at our heartstrings amid your spurts of cantankerous looting. You were a fun little retarded brother to have around, New Orleans. But now it’s time for you to go. Read the rest of this entry »

Thunn, Nunn, Unght, Suvuh, Shicks, Fuvv, Fuhh, Frehh, Tehh, Wuhh…

Huppy Nuh Yuh, uveywunn!

None of you understood Chris like I understood him. Sure, he was a black kid from the south and I’m a white guy from Massachusetts, but we had so much in common. We both had that dream of nailing prime teenage ass. Because there’s no ass like teenage ass. I understood that, and Chris understood that, too. And now he’s gone.

I’m saddened that Chris never had a chance to finish up his NFL career, because all of the girls out there that are like 9 or 10 years old now would have been 16 or 17 by the time his playing days were over. And really, there’s no better way to cap a 1,000-yard receiving season than by realizing all the juicy pre-pubescent tail that’s on its way down the pike in the autumn of your career.

People tried to change Chris. They said, “Hey Chris, you should really wait until some of these girls turn 18.” I don’t know why they said that. I don’t like women that get involved in politics, anyway. And neither did Chris. That’s what made him so special. That and his penchant for the little ladies with naturally bald beavers. Can I say beavers? I think so. That’s the way Chris would have wanted it.

Chris, I know you can hear me up in heaven. Even in that somewhat run-down section of heaven that they reserve for black people. And I just want you to know…I just want you…Oh, God, I promised I wouldn’t do this…I want you to know that you’re an inspiration to all of us…That the middle schools of this country have lost a great loiterer…that forever you shall…I just…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…

Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

Read the rest of this entry »

On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now. Read the rest of this entry »