The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.

I can’t say I watched a lot of the Giants-Vikes game, but from what little I did, I could tell I wasn’t missing much. And ESPN seems dedicated to catching you up on all the forlorn looks Brittfar made on the sidelines. Among every other shopworn moment from his thankfully concluded career.

Hard to tell but that hat plays Big K.R.I.T.’s ” Country Shit” on loop.

The regularly scheduled Monday night game wasn’t faring much better until Houston peeled off an amazing comeback to tie the game with a touchdown and two-point conversion with less than 30 seconds on the clock. It being the Texans, though, they had to find a way to blow it. Of course they did. Bastards.

ESPN is better than most about getting ridiculous crowd shots. Hell, you’re lucky if you ever see NFL Network pan a camera through the stands. Normally, that means a few of the most retarded fans make the entire fan base look bad, but man, Houston really brought its tard fan game to a new level on Monday. Just uncanny amounts of fan DERPitude.

YEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWWW I TOOK ALL THE FOAM THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE COLUMBIA SHUTTLE

Scoreboard or mirror?

Good show, Texans. Barbara Bush offers a polite clap for your ability to fail in engaging and entertaining ways. Keep it up and she might no longer advocate for you to be shot into space along with the poor people.

Monday was Mike Tirico’s birthday. The Texans even put up a reminder on the Reliant Stadium scoreboard. The whores. Gruden and Jaws presented Tirico with his own personalized Texans jersey. Mike looks about as thrilled as you might expect.

Another highlight from the booth: Jaws makes the most painfully forced joke of the season. Somebody should run an asshat route next week.

Drew left the tidbit out of his takedown of Peter King’s bad (or explosive!) column from today, but according to Lumpelstiltskin, it looks as though NFL Matchup, the last bastion of non-completely bullshit based football discussion left on ESPN, could be nixed now that NFL Films, which has produced the show since 1984, is no longer seeking sponsors. But what of Edge deodorant and State Farm? You’re telling me you can’t get The General to throw some insurance money at this thing?

As of now, it looks like the only hope for the show is if ESPN takes on the mantle of full ownership and producing responsibilities. Even though tWWL did everything in its power not to promote it by scheduling NFL Matchup at varying locations on the asscrack of dawn on Sunday mornings, there’s still a chance the show could go on. With a few minor tweaks, of course.

Sal Paolantonio: Welcome back to ESPN NFL Matchup, sponsored by Bud Light Golden Wheat. Okay gang, we just got done looking at the footage of Tim Tebow sitting on the sidelines against the Raiders. What stood out in your mind about his performance?

Jaws: Lemme tell you, Sal: the first thing that caught my eye was the GAMECHANGING LEG CROSSING TECHNIQUE. You can see in this clip, Tebow is situated firmly on the bench. Not wavering at all. He’s showing COMMANDING PRESENCE AT ALL TIMES. All of a sudden, he crosses one leg over the other. You might say, “oh, he moved! He’s got the shakes!” But no, he was not fidgety in the least. Very deliberate with the leg crossing. One NFL GM who spoke to me this week said that he hadn’t seen rock-solid sitting out of a rookie since Brett Favre’s days with the Falcons. That’s quite a compliment, huh guys? I will go as far to say that without Tebow’s steadying ass projecting a businesslike demeanor from the sidelines, this Broncos team would be poised to collapse at any moment.

Sal: Completely agree. They’re a steady 3-6 right now. Your thoughts, Hogey?

Merrill Hoge: Absolutely. Tim Tebow is a genuine article factor back in the National Football League. Call me crazy, but you line him up with a LeBron James at tight end, that’s a lethal combination. Too much factor back for an opposing team to factor in.

Jaws: Here’s where I’m gonna have to disagree with you, Hogey. Let’s go back to the Chiefs Week 6 game against the Dolphins. Look at the way LeBron James loses containment on the right side against the rush. Now, I don’t want to say this is just plain giving up, but I don’t have another word for it. Of course, the Dolphins were quick to use Kobe Bryant to exploit this weakness in the defense. Unless LeBron James learns to try to care, he will be a serious liability week in and week out for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Hoge: That’s a fair point. But when you’ve got a Kobe Bryant on offense, you’ve also got yourself a factor back. When two factor backs meet on the field, there’s no telling what’s gonna play out. But I can tell you that a factor back is going to win that battle.

Sal: Well said. But let’s agree to disagree for now. Moving on to Philip Rivers. He had a bit of an emotional outburst this week after Vincent Jackson appeared to pull up prematurely on a route. What do we make of this? Is there a locker room race war about to descend on San Diego?

Jaws: HERE’S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY ABOUT PHILIP RIVERS: Emotional guy, puts up all the stats. But just can’t cut it in the playoffs. That has to make him the Alexander Ovechkin of football, doesn’t it? Very impressive, galvanizing presence, but he’s a choker. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Sal: Well, who then is Rivers’ Crosby?

Hoge: In my mind, it’s got to be Peyton Manning. The golden boy. The face of the league. The ultimate in factor backing. He’s won a title, after all. Case closed. Until Phillip Rivers wins a championship he’ll always be the Alexander Ovechkin of football and Alexander Ovechkin will always be the Dan Marino of hockey.

Sal: Or maybe even the LeBron James.

Jaws: Speaking of LeBron James, I noticed another interesting trend this week. Let’s go to last week’s Packers-Bears game. We’re looking at a key 3rd down play in 4th quarter with Green Bay driving to take the lead. Donald Driver occupies the slot position on this play. Normally, this would work if the Red Sox were fewer than four games back in the East. But because Boston is so far behind Tampa and the Yankees, the Bears are able to read the formation. Now, Aaron Rodgers could audible out of this play, but only if LeBron James becomes a Chicago Bull. Should LeBron sign with the Knicks, then Brett Favre would be forced to enter the game for the Packers. An odd development, maybe even a frightening one, but that is how gameplan is executed in the National Football League.

Sal: Expert analysis as always, Jaws. All right, viewers: at the top of the hour is The Sports Reporters. This week, Scoop Jackson moderates an ongoing panel discussion on the importance of LeBron James in the modern sports landscape. Panelists include Ric Bucher, Bill Simmons, and LeBron James.

But first the LeBron and Kobe puppets will argue with Boomer about the Patriots for 10 minutes.

Mmm! Ooh! Oh, my goodness! Honey, that may be the finest BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich you have made for me! It had everything that I wanted in a sandwich. The crispness of the bacon! The crunch of the lettuce! The juiciness of the tomato! I tell you what, honey. That may very well be the finest BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO food sandwich that I have had in this house!

(phone rings)

Oh, I’m sorry dear. Hold on a moment. I have to answer a call on my AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH WIRELESS TELEPHONE MACHINE.

(answers phone)

Hello? Yes, this is RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI, PART OWNER OF THE PHILADELPHIA SOUL OF THE ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI GOLF MANAGEMENT INCORPORATED OF BLACKWOOD, NEW JERSEY. How can I help you?

Ah, yes! You’re that man from the STATE OF NEW JERSEY DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES VEHICLE ASSOCIATION! That is, bar none, the FINEST MOTOR VEHICLE ASSOCIATION IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY! The niceness of the clerks! The shortness of the lines! I think it has the potential to be an OUTSTANDING bureaucracy in THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA NATION.

(guffaws)

How are you? Yes, I was calling in regards to my GENERAL MOTORS CARS TRUCKS YUKON SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE VEHICLE. Yes, the one I brought into to you today, at THREE THIRTY POST MERIDIAN, EASTERN STANDARD TIME. Yes, that’s right. The one I brought in TODAY, DECEMBER 17TH, THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2008, ANNO DOMINI. I was wondering when I could expect my new titles in the mail?

Ah, excellent. Let me make sure you have the correct address:

RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI
FOOTBALL ANALYST OF FOOTBALL GAMES, FOOTBALL PLAYERS, FOOTBALL COACHES, AND FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALLBALL for the ENTERTAINMENT AND SPORTS PROGRAMMING NETWORK

(guffaws)

1232 RIDGE DRIVE
BLACKWOOD, NEW JERSEY 08012, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COUNTRY, NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT, PLANET EARTH

Did you get all that? Oh, great!

(hangs up)

You know, dear? I still think that was the best BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich I’ve had in years! The creaminess of the Hellman’s Mayonnaise! The crunch of the toast! I love what I see when I look at it on the videotape playback machine device. You won’t find any of that in a PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH BREAD CONCOCTION EATING SANDWICH, I will tell you that!

(guffaws)

Dear, are you okay? You seem irritable. Are you PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROMING out? No? Oh, what a relief. I can’t stand it when you PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME out. The volume of the tears! The intensity of the slapping! You begin to really see how that can affect a woman. It is truly FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION. It is not a great WOMAN SICKNESS AILMENT.

I’m going to go to MANUFACTURERS AND TRADERS TRUST COMPANY BANK, where I will enter in my PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION NUMBER and get us about $500 in cash, AMERICAN. Be sure to REPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAIT to that party at the Tylers! I tell you, that Christmas party has the potential to be an AMAZING Christmas party celebratory holiday event blowout function shindig festive occasion occasion!

(guffaws)

And thanks for the OUTSTANDING BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich!