Jared Allen wanted to raise money for his charity, Homes for Wounded Warriors, so he did the sensible thing and hosted a golf outing. An extreme golf outing! Or as extreme as you can get without risking a fourth DUI.

Marines berating golfers, slip ‘n slide punishments, and a pig roast at the turn were just a few of the unique touches Allen included in his event. The outing was a success by all accounts, so it stands to reason that there are plans in the works for next year’s outing. That’s why we’ve compiled a handy list of suggestions to make sure the money keeps rolling in for these deserving soldiers.

- Squibs in every green
- Water hazards filled with gelatin
- Encourage golfers to play in bare feet
- Sand traps filled with shards of broken glass
- Long drive winner gets a bazooka
- Closest to the pin winner gets an M40
- Flagpole dancers
- Eagles are now called “tits”
- Birdies are now called “little tits”
- Pars are now called “gays”
- Bogies are now called “fucks”
- Double bogies are now called “double fucks”
- Personalized truck nutz on every golf cart
- Driving range populated by Iranian clerics who outlawed the mullet
- Ball washers at every tee box provided by Babe’s Cabaret
- Replace all of this year’s participants with lesser celebrities like Dan Akroyd, Jackie Mason, and the guy from Unsolved Mysteries

But don’t even think about taking a piss behind a tree, especially if you’ve recently been accused of sexual assault. Smoke, fire, etc.

Add your own suggested features in the comments, because a four-person scramble format isn’t going to make itself interesting.

DURR-HURR-HURR!

What’s the best way to quash a rumor of organizational discord? If you’re a bunch of True Blue Collar Amurricans like Brittfar and Jared Allen (who looks like a Squidbilly with his hair like that), it’s pretending not to know the meaning of fancy-dancy words like schism, because any locution that doesn’t end in a apostrophe isn’t worth knowing. Gunslingin’? That’s a word. DUIin’? ‘nother good one. Huntin’ for water fowl with Purple Jesus an’ my smellhound? Best believe that’s one long compound word of awesome.

And yet because of Brandon Marshall, these aren’t even the most monstrous diptards in the news today. I blame the schisms!

Jared Allen, he of the phenomenal ass and the Kenny Powers haircut, gets to “feel like freakin’ Geronimo right now” by spearing an elk from above. With no regular old spear, mind you, but one-a them fancy Samburu Spears. Beats sniping wolves from a helicopter, that’sferdamnsure. Jared, once he reaches the downed elk after it’s done staggering toward a place to die, proclaims that he’s now addicted to hunting. Should he lump this into his melange of other addictions, a Death Race 2000-like league of competitive homicidal death cars is possible in our lifetime. Leonard Little, Donte Stallworth – get your hunting game tight. Shit’s on.

LenDale White claims to have dropped about 25 pounds since last season and is said to be in “amazing” shape. Does this downgrade him to LenOrca? LenGiantSquid? Is the switch to Kentucky Grilled Chicken that dramatic? Either way, it remains to be seen whether he can keep the weight off. This is the guy who eats the food opposing fans hurl at him.

Elsewhere, Jared Allen, being a lifelong wearer of the skinny Wranglers, is more than ready for the arrival of Favre.

“I grew up on a horse ranch. My dad trained horses for 30 years. I like to rock the cowboy hat. People seem to like it too. I’m either wearing a baseball hat or a cowboy hat. You know the tight jeans, you can’t wear boots with baggy jeans plus you got to use the tools in your toolbox and let’s be honest, I’ve got a phenomenal ass!”