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Steelers running back/Super Bowl fumbler Rashard Mendenhall had pretty much the reaction that fictional Tony Dungy had to the killing of Osama bin Laden on Sunday, albeit with an added twist of loony conspiracy theory.

Mendy chastened the masses on Twitter for celebrating the death of someone they never met and also because 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB BUSH LIES PEOPLE DIES, an opinion which he should know is only safely expressed in college campus co-ops, select other libtard strongholds and inside Noam Chomsky’s asshole. Sorry he had to learn the hard way.

And lest anyone worry James Harrison might miss an opportunity to make a mindless public comment that will earn universal ridicule… well, I think you know where that set-up is going.

HARF HARF HARF, YOU TELL ‘EM, MANTLEBAUM. PEOPLES HAS ONLY HEARD ONE SIDE OF THE BEN LADEN’S STORY. DON’T JUDGE UNLESS WE BE THE JUDGE!

Finally, after a two week run-up that featured such prepossessing storylines as Hines Ward going to a strip club, Ben Roethlisberger singing “Piano Man” at a bar and a bunch of injured Packers players being upset for being excluded, then included with criticism, into a team photo, we finally have a football game to a decide a champion.

Green Bay fans also spent the break cribbing all the Steelers fan traditions that people find obnoxious. A Titletown Towel has been produced for the game by the same company that manufactures The Terrible Towel. Lil’ Wayne, who claims both the Packers and his hometown Saints as his teams, remixed “Black and Yellow” with the predictable enough title “Green and Yellow.” He makes sure to take a shot at Steelers corner Ike Taylor, who also hails from New Orleans. Clearly it’s all about Green Bay pride for Weezy.

No doubt nearly everyone who isn’t a Steelers fan is rooting against Pittsburgh getting a debatably dynastic third Super Bowl title in six years for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Ben Roethlisberger. A Steelers win would produce a bunch of facile and annoying Roethlisberger “redemption” stories, followed by twice as many indignant and contrarian pieces about how saying anything even halfway complimentary about Roethlisberger ignores the unforgettable evil of two rape allegations that produced no criminal charges. As if anyone actually forgot that they happened. Meanwhile, every outlet save Jezebel has been content to ignore that the Packers have on their roster an alleged rapist who is still being investigated. But don’t let Brandon Underwood ruin your wholesome anti-rapist rooting interest, America.

A Green Bay victory would stick in the Ol’ Dongslinger’s craw and make his lone career Super Bowl victory that much less impressive, which would be nice. But that line of reasoning neglects that Favretard Green Bay fans gleefully enabled that prima donna asshole for years and years without compunction. 80 percent of them would still accept him as starter tomorrow even if Rodgers wins today. That’s not gonna be enough to sway anyone to back the Steelers, but just something to think about when you see five million fat cheeseheads imitate Rodgers’ title belt celebration if the Pack wins.

Oh, and this very well might be the last meaningful scab-free NFL game until 2012. You should probably make the most of it.

Terry Cobblington IV: Okay, all right. How are we doing today? Good, good, good. Sooooo I took a look at your resume. Seems pretty solid. Noticed here you didn’t get your bachelor’s degree. That’s fine – not necessarily a deal-breaker. You’ve been in the workforce for a while now. Got some life experience in you.

So tell me… Mr. Harrison, what makes you want to be an executive coordinator to the deployment project manager?

James Harrison: I wanna bust skulls.

Terry: Skulls, huh? Heh heh, I got you. Forward thinking paradigm shifting box outing game changing body rocking roof raising, am I right?

James Harrison: …

I wanna cave in your face.

Terry: Woaaaahhh-hoo-hoo, we got a real go-getter on our hands. What specific skill set do you have that you see best benefiting the company?

James Harrison: Okay, right – you got yourself a skull. Be it a regular skull or one still encased in flesh, I’mma break that shit. And I don’t mean cracked. I don’t mean one long fissure down the middle of it. That shit is plain busted. There are at least half dozen pieces laying around the floor. Gotta get a crack medical team together just to reassemble it. That’s what I bring. Don’t need nothing more than a helmet. Shit, even if you don’t got a helmet, I’m gonna find a way to make it happen.

Terry: I see. It says here on your resume that your last job was…”Pro Bowl Linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.”

James Harrison: Yeah, I did that pussy shit.

Terry: Well, I did some checking on that and it appears you abruptly retired in the middle of the season. Care to explain?

James Harrison: Yeah, see, what happened with that was the motherfucker commissioner got his period at the same time a bunch of bitches in the media got they period. You know periods sync up and shit when bitches be hanging together? Anyway, they all got they simultaneous period and decided football wasn’t gonna be about hitting bitch-ass niggas in they face with my helmet no more. So I said fuck that shit and peaced out.

Terry: Okay. I think I got you. Right there with ya. Let’s be clear on this – when you say you want to cave in faces, do you mean literally that you want to make a person’s facial plate concave in a manner that is virtually certain to cause paralysis or even more likely death?

James Harrison: Death would be preferable, but yes.

Terry: Mhhm. Mhhm. Think I get what you’re driving at here. And how would caved-in faces help you carry out your duties as executive coordinator to the deployment project manager?

James Harrison: You don’t want fuckers just be walking around casual-like in your place of business with convex, working faces. Where I grew up, it was rough. Real grimey on them streets. And if there was one lesson that always came up it was that the people doing wrong always had they face intact.

Terry: Gotcha. Now, I don’t know how familiar you are with the concept of criminal liability…

James Harrison: That got anything to do with busting skulls?

Terry: Kind of. You see, in the corporate world, a business can get in a lot of trouble with the law if one of its employees, shall we say, intentionally breaks the skull of another person, be that person employed by the company or not.

James Harrison: Uh-huh.

Terry: Now, do you see how you breaking skulls while in our employ might be problematic?

James Harrison: ‘Course not. Ain’t gonna be no problematic. Man gets a problematic, I go flying at his dome piece. Bust that shit up good. Why you making this more complex than it gotta be?

Terry: Tell me, James: Where do you see yourself in five years?

James Harrison: I’ll be at my house. Bunch of skull fragments hanging around the floor. Dogs like to gnaw on them when my kids aren’t around. Man hits a certain limit in the face caving game. I ain’t there yet, but I could see a time when I’ve had enough.

Terry: Very interesting. Well, we have your contact information and will let you know as soon as we make a decision.

[Later]

James Harrison: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT – DON’T TRY BRINGING NO CONCORD GRAPES THROUGH MY FUCKING AISLE. I JARRED THEM SHITS RIGHT OUT YOUR CART. YOU CAN’T HOLD ONTO YOUR PURCHASES THEN THEY WASN’T YOURS TO BEGIN WITH. GOTTA GET RIGHT WITH YOUR SHOPPING GAME. C’MON GET THE FUCK UP I DIDN’T HIT YOU AS HARD I COULD.

Store PA: James, please report back to Mr. Henderson’s office.

James Harrison: Aw shit.

Saturday Night Live might be 85% crap, especially portions of the show that include Kenan Thompson, but once in a while they manage to surprise everyone by not sucking for nearly two consecutive minutes. Quite the feat these days, it must have taken them hours on end to write. If Seth Myers is hard up for more Steelers material he could probably buy some of Ape’s Hines Ward material. Fred Armisen does a great Asian stereotype.

The episode’s best moment came of course from another Lonely Island Digital Short, featuring T-Pain. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure you can get T-Pain to sing whatever the fuck you want in exchange for a shiny new hat. Needless to say this song was immediately short-listed for next year’s Grammy nominations.